Temerity Jane
04. 09. 2012

Yes, this really exists.

Before I start, I just want to remind you that I don’t fall in with the crowd that seems to think itself above those who choose to read the Fifty Shades series, especially those who cite the fact that it’s poorly written or that there are so many better things out there to read as reasons to not read it, as if those who do read it are just poor fools who don’t know any better. I don’t see any reason for making fun of what books people choose to read, and I kind of think you’re an asshole if you truly believe that of the fifty berjillion copies these books sold, all of them went to women just too stupid to know any better.

However, that said, making fun of this magazine – it’s contents and very existence – is absolutely fair game.

*****

NO TIME FOR PLEASANTRIES, GUYS.  Metalia tweeted a picture of this magazine, saying that it needed a serious Cliff’s Noting. Apparently, Internet, it’s not just a book series. It’s a movement. That is carried at Wal Mart in the form of a one off magazine printing titled Fifty Shades (of American Women who Love the Book and Live the Life).

Allow me to tell you about yourselves and your movement, American women who love the book and live the life.

You’ll need to give me a moment to settle into a groove with this magazine. It’s not especially Cosmo-ish. Where Cosmo would normally have the section that would tell you all the good parts of the magazine so you don’t have to bother to read it, Fifty Shades (of American Women who)… okay, FSOAWWLTBALTL…Fuhsawball… FSWOBBLEFswobble instead has a little blurb justifying it’s very existence. It’s not a book! It’s a movement! It’s a global phenomenon! It’s KICKSTARTED A SEXUAL REVOLUTION! We’re having a national CONVERSATION about the give and take in a successful relationship.

Actually, Fswobble, the national conversation right now is more centered around who exactly is in charge of the give and take of a lady’s vaginal ins and outs, but… okay, yeah, it’s a stretch, but I’ll give it to you.

Fswobble proper starts with a writer waiting in line overnight to get a book signed by the author, EL James, and we all learn something important – don’t go meet EL James. This is possibly one of the most painfully awkward things I have ever read. Christian is locked in her basement because he’s been a bad boy? She actually signs the books “Laters baby?” Is “Laters baby” a thing? I mean, I know it’s a thing in the book, that suave dudes say to their ladies, so… suave… authors… sign their books that way?

Oh, and guess what, guys? There’s a fourth book coming. Because after a trilogy where a couple meets, has conflict, comes together, falls apart, comes together, falls apart, comes together, suffers a kidnapping, gets married, has a baby, and ends with a happily ever after epilogue basically tying up the whole story of a man with a sexual fetish known to generally be a LIFESTYLE choice basically giving it up to just play here and there lightly for the lady in his life, what you really want to add is some kind of convoluted bullshit story on top of it.

Moving on, Fswobble has some suggestions for the casting directors for the eventually Fifty Shades movies. Because of course there are going to be movies, even though there should never actually be movies, because how would that even begin to work? Their “best bet” is Ian Somerhalder, but they’re wrong, because the answer to every casting decision ever can be answered as follows: Do you need a man with dark hair? Choose Zachary Quinto. Do you need a man with light hair? Choose Paul Bettany. Do you need a specialty actor for some reason or another? Please contact me for further assistance.

Second, casting choices for Ana, to which I say, who fucking cares, because do you remember what she looks like? Can you name an Ana personality characteristic besides sucking? (HA! No but seriously.) Just put a wig on a broom and save some money so you can have Sharon Stone play Mrs. Robinson. Right? RIGHT?

FINALLY, though, we have entered into my Cliff’s Noting comfort zone. Let me tell you how a crappy magazine thinks you should better run your life as a lady.

If all of this modern technology is doing your little lady head in, don’t worry. Here is how you apply lady rules to that super confusing FACEBOOK NONSENSE:

1. NEVER FRIEND HIM FIRST!!! That’s like calling him! Or speaking to him without being spoken to! OR MEETING HIS EYES.
2. You can like one of his photos. Just one. ONE. No more than one. ONLY HARLOTS AND TRAMPS like multiple photos. A lady restrains her clickty clicks.
3. DON’T comment on his posts. It’s like how you should be seen and not heard, because you’re a lady and you’re just decorative, except this is the Internet, so don’t type at him, because Fswobble says, and I quote, it’s “tacky.”
4. DO remove any uggo pictures of yourself. Now. Now. DO IT NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW.
5. Make sure your Facebook status is accurate. If you’re single, it should say you’re single. Advertise that shit, ladies.
6. Don’t make a duckface. I’m going to co-sign that one, Fswobble.
7. DO know when to can it. Apparently, if you send a message, and then wait by the computer like you should, and your obsessive stalking pays off and you notice that your quarry has been online, but has NOT answered your message, THROW YOURSELF OFF A BRIDGE, IT’S OVER FOR YOU, SISTER. Because you SENT a MESSAGE and he didn’t PRIORITIZE YOU IMMEDIATELY. What the fuck kind of not-Edward… I mean, not-Christian Grey is that guy? Right the fuck up his, am I right?

ADDITIONALLY, if you decide to go all archaic and email him, put the word SEX in the subject line. People love that NSFW shit, it’s charming and bold. Be like Ana and “taunt him with turn ons” – apparently, this means you should reference the dude he’s suspicious you’re boning on the side. Gives guys raging boners.

There’s also instructions on sexting, but don’t do that, okay? Actually, just don’t commit any sex anything to the Internet. I have two poorly coded words for you, Internet – Shmibby Shmoler, okay?

There’s more helpful tips here about picking out budget champagne, but you should feel free to ignore them if your boyfriend is a billionaire, because what the hell, take him for all he’s worth, am I right?

Seriously, it says that.

On the next page, there is a legitimate three panel instructional diagram for spanking beginners. The art is really poorly done. I don’t understand the physics of this at all. I’m pretty sure this woman is levitating. And they seem to be on this bed that is just missing a huge chunk out of one corner. And this guy has positively no ass, and once he starts spanking, HIS TORSO IS ACTUALLY DETACHED FROM HIS LEG PORTION.

Edit: On further Twitter discussion, I decided this poorly photographed illustrative addition was needed.

No, but really, flat hand to ass cheek. The arrow indicates and up and down motion and the text suggests that you watch your partners body language to know what to do. May I also suggest you listen to your partner’s language language? I mean, a hunched up body communicates something, sure, but, “Stop, stop, that smarts and your torso is FALLING OFF OH GOD OH GOD!” is also a fine indicator of danger.

I’m not going to take the quiz to find out what shade of grey I am (kind of a shiny, iridescent, dolphin-esque kind of color, I think), and neither are you, but I’ll give you some insights into what kinds of things would give you lots of naughty points:

– RED nail polish, you shameless hussy – 7 points!
– At dinner time, ordering take out would score you 8 points, tramp, while cooking a family recipe only nets you 2.
– London is a 1 point vacation destination, while Las Vegas is a 10 point choice.

Don’t even think about being attracted to a guy for his sense of self-confidence. You might as well just go sell yourself on the streets. You’re probably also a credit card shopper who doesn’t pay off her entire balance immediately every month. I can practically write an entire book about your sex life now.

“Frisky Food” suggestions for a Fifty Shades theme party:

Forbidden fruit – you can dip it in chocolate! Then people will know it’s not a VANILLA party! LOLOLOL! Reaching? On the first item? OF COURSE NOT NERVOUS LAUGHTER IS THE MAGAZINE OVER YET?
Red Room of Pain Red Vines – It suggests laying them “artfully” on a table. And then LABELING them individually with words like “sub,” “dom,” and “inner goddess.” Would you like an individually labeled Red Vine? How do you individually label a red vine?
– Ben Wa Balls – There’s not even a food suggestion for this. It just says it can be a fun food OR dessert! Does not see fit to mention they were in Ana’s vagina for their appearance in the story.
Oreo Truffles – Okay, fine, that’s normal, what’s the Fifty Shades connection? Oh. Oh, Fswobble thinks they should obviously be dipped in white chocolate and dyed grey. Delicious. Nothing people love more than dusty old grey balls.

And now, a random selection of seemingly random statements from fifty random women. I believe this is the “love the book and live the life” portion of the magazine. Some highlights:

“Maybe we poured it on too fast, but we had it lit, and we poured it on my stomach and I was like ‘FUCK!’ You put it on your stomach, and it’s hot […] so I got burned. I don’t know if it was a poorly designed candle, or we just didn’t do it right.”

You don’t know if it was a poorly designed candle? The one you lit? That then caught on fire? And burned hotly, as intended? The one you then tipped onto your flesh? That candle? That’s the one you’re not sure was designed correctly? Ok. I was just checking.

“I work in a pharmacy, and lately we’ve been seeing a lot of girls come in with UTIs and yeast infections. A lot more than usual. We finally got to the bottom of it… a lot of these girls were recreating the infamous ice cream scene in Fifty Shades Darker.”

That did not happen. You work in a pharmacy. You didn’t even say you were a pharmaCIST. You did not “get to the bottom” of anything. You do not have some map in some underground pill bunker with flashing red lights indicating increasing numbers of local stingy vaginas. That’s not even your job to keep track of. What, did you do this on your off hours? A side project? The UTI Detective, on the case? Shut up, you just lied, and you lied to a stupid magazine. Look at yourself. LOOK AT YOURSELF.

“I’d be lying if I said it didn’t turn me on. I’d also be lying if I told you my husband and I haven’t written up our own little sex contract.”

Us, too. It said, “Let’s have some.” We already broke it.

“My sex life post-Fifty Shades hasn’t changed much, but my dating life has. I’ve already been out with three helicopter pilots!”

I… why?

Here are some things that men think:

– It’s easy to get a girl to do what you want when you own a helicopter.
– Wash your hands when you use an elevator.

There’s a bunch of articles I can’t be bothered to read because their lead ins are so terribly, terribly, unbelievably awful. Example: “I fix men like Christian Grey… I’M A SEX WHISPERER.”

No. I will not be whispered.

A second one is on the struggle of being a secret sub, which has the potential to be an interesting article, until you read the first question which basically says, Hey, Fifty Shades is here! Why is so important for you to keep your kinky side a secret! It’s so obvious hardly anyone thinks it’s weird anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if people ever leave the Internet or the big cities on the edges of the country.

Something interesting to me, also, is apparently, 60% of women surveyed for this magazine think that this particular series has taken the “freak” stigma off of the BDSM lifestyle. Really? Really? You think so? When these books portrayed Christian Grey as a damaged individual who was, for all intents and purposes, molested by an older woman and introduced into the lifestyle at a criminally young age? And by the end of the story, he’s basically “healed” out of the lifestyle by Ana, except for light playing, so isn’t actually even living the lifestyle? But people think it’s actually helped destigmatize legitimate BDSM lifestyle practitioners?

I don’t know, why don’t you ask some what they think?

Article: “I’m a Mormon, and I LOVED it.”

Good for you! I’m an Arizonan and I like cheeseburgers.

Fswobble, look, now, you and I are getting to a point where I know you’ve got a magazine to fill up and you’re trying to capitalize while the capitalizing is good, but this: “American Revolution: For the first time in a long time, American women are confidently talking about sex – for all the right reasons.”

No. Just, no. Stop trying to make Fifty Shades more of a thing than it is. It IS a thing. It’s a thing. I get that. But it’s not, like, a bra burning, ball grabbing thing. It’s just a thing. It’s a sensation. It is a popular book the way Twilight was popular, the way any book is popular and is passed among friends and talked about among friends.

And any lady friends who are lady friends for long enough are going to talk about sex.

AND EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT SEX RIGHT NOW. And it’s not because of EL James and Christian Grey and the helicopter and balls and red rooms of pain and whatever. It’s because it’s important. And I’m not even reading this article, because YOU ARE NOT giving credit for any open discussion that may or may not be happening at this moment to BOOKS because I assure you, it is coincidentally timed.

They are books and they are popular, but they aren’t a revolution for sex, or for women, or for literature (except for maybe self-publishing), or for kink, or for anything of meaning, and they will go away, and you know that, Fswobble, and that is why 800 subscription cards didn’t fall into my lap when I opened you.

There are suggestions for more dirty books, but I’ve only read one of them, and frankly, I’ve lost my trust in Fswobble, so I suggest you just follow me and my friends on Goodreads for further suggestions.

The magazine finishes off with some suggestions on how to eat like a sex goddess, including chocolate, bananas, oysters, and asparagus. Most of that is in contradiction to an earlier section I ignored about how to eat like Ana, but she wasn’t a sex goddess, not really, so I suppose you can make your choice there. But BOTH of those were in contradiction to TWO articles on how to be sexier, which were mostly about being skinny and having a tight ass. I didn’t think you needed to be informed that yet another magazine thought that was how to be sexy, though.

LASTLY, a somewhat intriguing advertisement on the back page. I’m not even making fun of it, my interest is genuinely piqued. It could end up being the best part of the whole magazine. I may let you know. I’ll leave the link for you to check out on your own time. It is not safe for work. www.yourmasque.com

I don’t know, Internet. I never thought I’d say it, but I’m scared and I kind of miss Cosmo.

Laters Baby how is this a thing

 all quotes from Fifty Shades of American Women September/October 2012

29. 06. 2012

You see the link over there, in the blog crouton, to Princess Nebraska? One of my favorite kind of posts that Elizabeth does is when she lists all the books she’s been reading and does a really brief summary of her opinion of them. Not even really what the book is about or anything, just what she thought of them. I like that. I don’t care what the book is about. Well, I care, but all I want to know from a person is if you liked it or not. If your opinion makes it sound like something that I also might like, I am perfectly capable of going and reading the summary. Then, I combine your like or dislike with the summary I am perfectly capable of locating on my own and use that combination to decide if I want to read the book.

Basically what I am saying is that I hate book reviews that start out with, “This book is about…,” and also that I like Elizabeth and I’m pretty much modeling this post off of her style and I wish all book review blogs would, even though that is not practical, as much as it makes sense to ME that the world conform to my needs. But really, I do subscribe to a bunch of book review blogs, and what I do is read the title of the book, the genre of the book, and then scroll down and read the rating of the book. If it’s good, I look it up on Goodreads, and if it looks interesting, I add it to my list. Elizabeth cuts out a lot of scrolling for me. I like Elizabeth.

Anyway, I set a goal to read 130 books this year. The year is half over and I’m not half done, so. We’ll see, eh? (All titles link to Goodreads pages)

1. The Forgotten Garden – I think this was one of those books where if someone had been secretly adding pages on to the end when I wasn’t looking, I probably wouldn’t have noticed and would have gone on reading happily for one long ass time before I was like, wow, it’s 2015, I am one hell of a slow reader.

2. Gathering Blue – The second in The Giver series. I guess I read The Giver in 2011. Middle grade isn’t for me. I felt like I was supposed to like it.

3. Messenger – The last of The Giver trilogy. I didn’t really get a boner for the trilogy as a whole, and I definitely had a limp noodle for the ending. Finished out of obligation. Though I can see why if I had read these at the appropriate age I might have held some fond memories for the three.

4. Speak – This book can go right the hell to hell. I get that it’s dealing with an important subject, and I get that everyone deals with trauma differently, but I swear to pete, the main character is the least sympathetic female in the history of ever, and I hated her stupid face. AND? AND? Some of the most ridiculously unforgivable authorial bullshit shenanigans, the author’s authory fingers should be TAKEN AWAY. “fizz ed?” “toolz eye kan yooz?” WHY? WHY? WHY DID THAT HAVE TO HAPPEN? WHY WAS THAT A THING THAT HAPPENED IN THIS BOOK?

5. Pretty Little Liars – Okay, I don’t really remember much about this book, other than that it was fast and fun and that I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it.

6. Flawless – Second book in the series. It wasn’t as good as the first one, but kept my interest in following the series.

7. Unwind – This was the book that made me need to add a “conflicted” tag to my bookshelves. I don’t know if I liked it, but I don’t know if I disliked it. I don’t think I liked it or disliked it. I… neither. I liked it. I didn’t. I don’t know. I’m not unhappy that I read it. I do know that this book made my mind go down thought paths that I consciously needed to stop. Like, WHOA THERE, BRAIN. LET’S JUST END THAT TRAIN RIGHT THERE. CABOOSE THAT. Parts of this book were quite disturbing, and will force you to think about some disturbing things.

8. The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer – What in the hell even? I don’t even? I can’t… is this real life? Does this book exist on this plane of existence? Of all the convoluted bullshit… once again, fine sirs, I don’t even.

9. If I Stay – I have literally zero feelings about this book.

10. Hate List – It feels weird to say I enjoyed a book about a school shooting, but there you go.

11. The Midwife’s Confession – This book was kind of Picoulty. I mean, it’s basically a Picoult in different author’s clothing. I personally enjoy a nice Picoult.

12. The Art of Fielding – High fives all around. I was just so FRICKIN’ DELIGHTED by this book. Probably the best thing I’ve read this year.

13. The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks – Frankie is one irritating whiny bitch. And for someone who is so determined to show that girls are just as good if not better than boys, she sure does spend a lot of time and effort working for male attention and approval.

14. Angelfall – This book was good. But it was dark. And I don’t mean, like, Voldemort kills Cedric, shit just got real dark, I mean like mutilated experimental cannibalistic zombie children with razors for teeth dark. Like, whoa, I am reading this through cracks of my fingers dark. I liked it!

15. Poison Study – I enjoyed the shit out of this book, but you know what REALLY stands out? Bad hairstyles. I mean, REALLY BAD. Read this book, and pay attention to the way hair is described. God awful. You will have to make an effort to substitute in your own hair ideas.

16. Perfect – The third in the Pretty Little Liars series. They remain quick, entertaining reads that have kept me interested.

17. Unbelievable – The fourth in the same series as above, which can now fuck right off.

18. Wither – A crappy cross between The Handmaid’s Tale and The Truman Show with writing that I did not enjoy. Yet I will probably read the next in the series. And hate it.

19. Private – Book about bitchy cliquey chicks at a private school. It was nothing like the Caitlin books but it made me want to reread the Caitlin books.

20. Ready Player One – Fun! For nerds! And other people, I GUESS. You should read it. It basically ruled. Frickin’ delightful.

21. Now You See Me – Irritating. The main character/narrator figures things out, but doesn’t share with the reader. Uh, then don’t be the narrator. Half-assed hints toward a romance that never develops. Tenuously-woven, really thin plot, and everything was just so CONVENIENT. And the “twist” was just annoying because I was ready to be finished and it just made the book LONGER.

22. Under the Never Sky – I don’t know. I guess I’ll read the next one. I think this is one of those “first book in the trilogy” things that is kind of neutral in terms of hate or love and just kind of lays out the rest of the series. Also, why is everything a trilogy?

23. I’ve Got Your Number – I want to go back in time and read this on a plane and then just leave it in the airport. Also, I hated the lead female. Shut up.

24. The Scorpio Races – I recognize that this is probably a good book, but I didn’t like it. Does that make sense? Too bad, review it yourself, then.

25. Dash & Lily’s Book of Dares – This book is the exact reason why only John Green should be allowed to write teenagers because oh my god, fuck these two pretentious assholes.

26. Neverwhere – Maybe I should have picked a different Neil Gaiman for my first, because this book made me feel exactly like the main character in this book must have felt. Just kind of dragged along, bewildered, with no real clue about what was happening around me or why it was happening and just kind of wishing it would end and I would wake up in my own bed. Alone. Maybe with some cake.

27. The Fault in Our Stars – Oh, just fall in line and go read it.

28. City of Bones – I remain undecided on whether or not I will follow up with the rest of the series, but I found this one to be reasonably enjoyable.

29. Legend – Same as above. I read this one, I liked the set up. I liked the worldbuilding, I liked the two leads. I also am kind of just fine where this one ended, I’m not clamoring for the next one. But if I find myself looking for something to read, I’m not saying I’d kick the next one out of my Kindle.

30. Fifty Shades of Grey – The “inner goddess” thing was pretty intolerable. Otherwise, my sense of shame went on a permanent vacation once I cracked this one open.

Also, I have a pretty low tolerance for the whole, “ugh, I can’t believe people are READING that” shit, so take it somewhere else. Also ALSO, if you did read it and then did the whole, shrug, I don’t get the fuss thing, oh, shut up. Of course you get the fuss. Just because you don’t feel like MAKING a fuss, don’t act like you’re above even understanding why there IS a fuss. In shorter words, a lot of people have made themselves look like HUGE assholes over these books, and I have written down names on a post it note right here.

Anyway, I wish Ana wasn’t such a… I mean, come on. Who doesn’t own a cell phone? Who doesn’t Internet? Why does every female innocent need to not just be a virgin but also need to be like, completely shut out from the whole world ever?

31. Fifty Shades Darker – More plotty. It was kind of better than the first one.

32. Fifty Shades Freed – Maybe, if you’re okay with being a non-completest, you can just not read this one. There’s this one part, it’s kind of disturbing, when Ana is pregnant, and look, everything is ruined forever.

33. Hush, Hush – Oh, this was the worst. This was just the worst. What an ugly mess of a book. Don’t even. I mean, seriously. DO NOT EVEN.

34. Attachments – I liked this book. It was fun, and quick, and cute, and spoke to my old school inner nerd, and my only minor irritation was that it was one of those books where I felt like I was just supposed to ACCEPT that there was some kind of magnetic draw between the dude and the girl. I mean, there were two girls, and I didn’t even know which was the romantic interest until it was spelled out for me.

35. The Declaration – This book was… fine.

36. Ender’s Game – I want to go back in time to one day before I started this book so I can read it again, fresh.

37. Ender’s Shadow – Reading this book was almost as good to going back in time to one day before I started Ender’s Game and reading it again fresh.

38. 11/22/63 – I really loved this book, except could happily have done without huge parts of it. Like, all of the parts that were part of the plot. I just want to read about time traveling back to the 50s and living there. I’ll read about that all day long.

39. A Monster Calls – This book can shut the fuck up. I wish I owned a real copy, I’d tape it shut.

40. Insurgent – I was bored. And Tris? Why, Tris? Why?

41. Bitterblue – If you haven’t read Graceling and Fire yet, you should. And then read Bitterblue. I’ve seen some complaints that Bitterblue was kind of unnecessarily long, but I disagree. I could have read Bitterblue forever. I will read a billion books set in this world.

42. Fair Coin – Okay, stuff happens because science. And then some people die, and that’s unfortunate, but it’s okay, because it’s not us. And suspense, used in a really annoying, boring kind of way. Hate.

43. Magic Study – This is the book that comes after Poison Study, which I loved. Magic Study was actually kind of bad. Which was surprising and sad. But I held out hope. There was a lot of that “ONLY I CAN HANDLE THIS SITUATION!” type crap which, in the framework of the world, makes ZERO SENSE. And also a lot of convenience. Like, “Oh yeah, and suddenly I have this power. And in this situation my power also does this. And… oh yeah, I have this magic.” Disappointing.

44. Fire Study – YET I PERSISTED TO THE THIRD BOOK. You guys. Read Poison Study. It’s great. AND THEN STOP. Life is too short for shitty books.

45. Bared to You – A little convoluted, a lot dirty. Another female lead who solves her problems by storming off, another male lead with a damaged past, another couple brought together by lots of sex, but at least these two wipe down afterward.

46. The Selection – This book is supposed to be like The Hunger Games combined with The Bachelor, which sounds REALLY FREAKING AWESOME until the author ruins it with the worst female lead I have read in a thousand years. It’s like she tried to write a Katniss but accidentally Bella Swanned her.

47. Unwanted – I was seriously really enjoying this book until the end, until the “twist,” which was a bit of an unconventional kind of twist, but not in the kind of way that you’re like, “Oh, that was innovative,” but more in the kind of way that you’re like, “Oh, fuck you then.”

48. Cinder – This was okay. It just didn’t grab me like it seemed like it was supposed to. I didn’t get sad, or feel the righteous fury at the injustices, no suspense even though I could see I was supposed to. The male lead was uninspiring, the female was meh and I couldn’t pull for her. Maybe this was a laying the groundwork book. We’ll see.

49. When You Reach Me – This one went quick. I guess it was fine. I don’t really have particular feelings one way or the other.

50. Backstage Pass – There’s actually a good story under all the filth. I liked Myrna, and it was nice to read about a mature female lead in one of these trash books. Also, hint: backstage means butts.

51. Rock Hard – Far fetched, filthy and emotionally manipulative, just like a lady likes.

52. Thoughtless – If you can put aside the fact that the main female character has not been developed with any sort of characteristics except for the fact that she’s terrible, this is a good trashy romance.

53. Effortless – The follow up to Thoughtless, which you will want to read because you will be in love with Kellan Kyle, but too bad for you, because I already dibbsed him.

54. Love Unscripted – Yeah, I’ve been on a trash streak, and I point my shame finger straightly at Jonniker, but mostly I have no shame. I liked this, and you will, too. It will allow you to imagine your eventual and inevitable whirlwind romance with Ryan Gosling.

55. Across the Universe – Another one that will make you think thinky and somewhat disturbing thoughts. I don’t know if I’ll pursue the series. It depends on how many thoughts I’m prepared to have.

56. Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain – I mostly do not usually end up liking celebrities books, not because I find them shallow or anything like that, I’m just not a big non-fiction writer. I actually ended up kind of liking this one, but skip the epilogue, it gets preachy and ruiny.

57. Everlost – Ooooh. I love a well set up alternate world, with good rules that are stuck to and all thought out and logical. I will read this whole series. Unless the next book sucks. Then I will probably still read it, but with a scowl.