Temerity Jane
24. 10. 2011

I’ve been away. Not just away at The Blathering, which was this past weekend, but just kind of away in general. There’s been a lot going on for me, in terms of changes and shifting perspectives and I don’t know, some other words that imply that I was sitting on the couch watching Grey’s Anatomy for two weeks (DONE, by the way). I got to talk about a lot of what’s been going on with some excellent women this weekend, so since I’ve now SAID it all, I feel like I can move on and start asking you about your in-laws and the assholes present in your general surroundings all over again.

*****

The Blathering basically ruled. I had a good time. I got some really good sleep. I had one of the worst headaches I’ve had in a long, LONG time, but rallied enough to sit around and talk about butts for a while. Thinking about it, I had some of the most over the line, foul, “I can’t believe we’re discussing this”-type conversations I’ve ever had in my life over the weekend. Women are DIRTY.

If you can, I encourage you to go to The Blathering next year. It wasn’t stressful or action-packed. It was just scheduled enough for time to see everyone, but plenty of time to break off and do the things you like to do, which for me usually includes a lot of sitting. Miranda was my partner in spotting a couch wherever there was one to be spotted, and I sat my way up and down South Congress.

If you can’t go to The Blathering next year or maybe just can’t wait until next year, I would encourage you to do this kind of thing with your Internet ladies anyway. I’m crazy impressed with the logistical skills of The Blathering organizers, but you could probably just pick a town and call three or four of your best Internet ladies in to lounge. And eat. You should do it. I am NOT a joiner, and blog-anything is NOT my thing, and I honestly don’t know why I decided this was the time, but I found the whole thing to be crazy beneficial in a lot of ways.

*****

I was in the Austin airport, shopping for souvenirs, and I felt someone standing behind me at the same shelf of doo-dads. Not one for shelf-sharing, I glanced over my shoulder and stepped away, walking back across the store and — OKAY NEVER MIND I CAN’T DRAW THIS OUT IT WAS SEELY BOOTH.

I left the gift shop and ran into Katie and Jen, flapping my hands and delivering my HUGE NEWS. We proceeded immediately to the gift shop, AS YOU DO. After having another peek or nine, I got on the phone. AS YOU DO. I got a text from Stephanie letting me know she was at gate 13, so I started that way to deliver my HUGE NEWS, but ran into Miranda on the way, sitting at a table and eating some ice cream. So I stood next to her and bellowed to my mom and sister, “SEELY BOOTH, YOU GUYS. HE WAS RIGHT BY ME. SEELY BOOOOOOOTH.”

THEN I decided to head down and get Stephanie to bring her to Miranda and I. I only got two steps away before I discovered Mr. Boreanaz sitting DIRECTLY ON THE OTHER SIDE of the sign next to our table.

SPECTACULAR.

So I sat back down and called Stephanie instead, to let her know what was going on by doing my best Chandler Bing impression.

Chandler: Eye app ina ah deem best ool ih ill ood ker.

Joey: HE’S TRAPPED IN AN ATM VESTIBULE WITH JILL GOODACRE!

Jen and Katie and Stephanie all eventually joined Miranda and I and our new pal Angel, and we all had ice cream and Salt Lick BBQ. Eventually we scattered, and then I was joined by Sarah Lena and Kate and Jess, all at various points.

I just spent more time describing the airport than I did The Blathering, but you know what, The Blathering was such a good time that even the airport experience was notable.

SEELY BOOOOOOOTH.

*****

For a long time, when I would brush my teeth at night, I’d wipe my mouth on Phil’s towel when I was done, and I would think, “Hee hee hee, you’re wiping your clean self with my toothpaste spit!,” because I am a hilarious prankster and I also always leave my towel on the floor somewhere around the house.

But after a few days or weeks or actually, probably months of this, I informed him of my stealth spitting and he said, “Uh… you know I use that to wipe my ass, right?”

Listen, no matter how much you try to tell yourself, “But at least it’s a freshly CLEANED butt crack…,” it doesn’t work.

*****

Here’s my baby:

“Um, it’s nice that you’re back and all, but where’s Dad?”

“My lip gloss? Smashbox Fresh Drool. Very exclusive. No offense, you probably can’t afford it.”

*****

OH MAN, THE SWEET PEA IN A POD DRAWING, YOU GUYS!

The winner is Thanks: Management! Hooray! (We went to high school together!)

I will put you in touch with Sweet Pea in a Pod.

EVERYONE ELSE, remember the discount code! TJ15!

*****

I was serious above. You should totally just get together with your Internet people. It’s worth it. It is. You know, there’s a $35 hotel on base, we have two couches and a recliner in which to sit, and I can drive to Target AND the other Target now, so… just putting it out there.

*****

You know what was great about being away for a bit? It wasn’t that I got great sleep (I did), or hung out with awesome people (I did), or had some amazing food (I did). It was how quickly and efficiently I got things done.

When I had somewhere to be? I showered, dressed, did my hair and then did my makeup. All in a row. All in one fell swoop.

But on Thursday, before I left? I was going to go have dinner with Brooke and Brie, and I had to start getting ready AT NOON.

NOON. To meet Brooke at nearly SIX.

Because that’s how long it takes. In the hotel? 45 minutes, start to finish. In my house? FIVE AND A HALF HOURS.

And that’s why I’ve been writing this post since 9am.

*****

So, which Blathering attendees do you want to hear some gossip about? I will make some up ON THE SPOT for you.

30 responses to “This post mentions buttcracks, just like I did repeatedly at The Blathering.”

  1. Linnea Welch says:

    For real, when I got to Phil’s reply, I lost it. LOST IT! Laughing in such a loud and obnoxious manner, you probably heard me all the way in Arizona.

    I used to wipe my face after washing with J’s towel for the same reason–it was near & mine was probably draped over the couch or something. He didn’t get to brag about what he used the towel to dry, but after watching the drying process one day, I decided I should stop that.

    Freshly washed butt crack… for real..

  2. HereWeGoAJen says:

    I knew someone would come through with a picture from the airport spotting. You guys are my people.

  3. Swistle says:

    You know, it WOULD be kind of awesome to see a military base. You should totally sell that as a touristy sort of idea: Come see a REAL military base!! Hear a sudden loud voice FROM NOWHERE!! Hide in our storage area!

    LemonFresh Reply:

    This nearly made me spit chocolate all over my keyboard. Ha!

    Doing My Best Reply:

    Don’t forget: Hear Reveille and the National Anthem at 0: dark thirty in the morning!

  4. Kate says:

    I, for one, would be happy to have an ass to wipe on a towel, and I’m sure all of my assless brethren agree. You should be thanking your lucky stars that you even have ass towels in your home to wipe your face on, is all I’m saying.

    I mean, it was wonderful to meet you this weekend, and I will come sit on your floor in stretchy pants to talk for hours anytime. Just say the word.

  5. GAH! Elsha, Christina and I got to the airport just after you guys but didn’t have smart phones so didn’t get on Twitter in time to find out what was going on. I’m not sure what I’m more sad about – missing Angel or missing more time with you guys. Hooray for The Blathering!

  6. LizScott says:

    SIGH I am sad I missed the blathering. I’m glad to hear it was fab.

    And stop wiping your mouth on Phil’s butt towel, for crying out loud.

  7. Diane says:

    Do not even tempt me with tales of hotels and couches to sit on. I WILL SO show up at your house.

  8. I don’t watch that new show he is in.. Bones, my sister made me sit down and watch it one time (or several, it was a marathon!).. but I do love me some David Boreanaz… especially from his dreamy Vampire days (Buffy and Angel) YUMMY!!!

    I would have been compelled to go and smell him, OMG I’m not kidding, I bet he smells amazing..

    I can’t believe I won!! Do you know how many times I’ve called into radio stations with the top 8 at 8 or what have you?? Finally Paid off!! The first of my diaper stash, my soon to be newborn’s butt appreciates it!!! :)

  9. Maggie says:

    When my in-laws nicely sat for us so my husband and I could have a week-end away, I was totally blown away by the little things such as the fact that getting ready took me only 30 minutes. And yet every week day I get up at 6:00 and don’t manage to get the hell out of my house until 7:15 or later. Ridiculous.

    I would be so smooth if I encountered Seely/Angel likely shrieking “EEEKK! Angel!” and unsubtly taking 1 million photos on my phone. They probably have some kind of law prohibiting me from spending time anywhere near Southern California.

  10. Jessica says:

    I didn’t get nearly enough in-law stories this weekend, so I think I shall have to come to Arizona and hear more.

  11. H says:

    Penny’s expressions make me smile. Damn, she is cute.

  12. Sarra says:

    Those chubby cheeks are completely kissable! Penny looks incredibly happy and I hope is as healthy as she looks, and the worries from early have worked themselve out.

    Way to be subtle on the Booth siting. Just looking at the picture makes me want to run my fingers through his hair.

  13. Lara says:

    See, there are a few – maybe a HANDFUL – of people on the internet I’d love to meet in real life some day, but the thing is…the THINGS are:

    1 – I am not a blogger, so would never go to a blogging conference thingy where you guys tend to meet each other.
    2 – I’m probably 5 – 10 years older than most people I interact with online and I would feel like an unwanted…well, not MOM, but maybe older sister. This doesn’t bother me with my real life friends who are 5 – 10 years younger than me (or older than me, for that matter) but I still feel like it would be all “WHO INVITED THE OLD LADY?”
    3 – Because I don’t blog I don’t think I know AS MANY people online as you all do and so any group of a lot of people I don’t know would be overwhelming to me, and would also contribute to the “WHO INVITED HER, OLD LADY NON-BLOGGER”

    So I guess what I’m saying is that I might be interested in inviting myself (eeee, also something that makes me extremely uncomfy) if I ever heard of a FEW people hanging out in a non-conference type setting. A hanging out with your internet people thing. People who don’t care if I blog or that I’m older sister’ish. Near a Target.

    (Obviously it goes without saying that you are one of the handful I’d like to meet. And I only *know* three other people who have commented above and they are all part of that handful too. JUST SAYING, SWISTLE, DIANE, LIZ.)(I’m sure the others are lovely too, but I don’t know them.)

    Also, hi Penny.

    -R- Reply:

    There was a non-blogger there. And I think the age range of everyone was probably at least 15 years. And most of us didn’t know everyone. It was still fun!

    Maggie Reply:

    If I didn’t know better, I’d think I’d posted this comment and didn’t remember doing so. I don’t blog (and am in my 40s) but The Blathering sounds like so much fun.

  14. -R- says:

    I really do want to get together again and eat lots of awesome food.

  15. Nancy says:

    Awesome food? I want some. But there is no food anywhere near awesome enough for me to waddle my 39+ week pregnant butt to the kitchen for. None.

    And I would have screamed and jumped him and security would probably have been called. Just sayin’.

  16. Andrea says:

    I am beyond jealous of the Angel/Seely sighting. I love ( love love love love love) Buffy and Angel and only watched Bones because of him but thought I’d hate it because c’mon… It’s Angel. And I fell in love with Seely also. Mmmm mmmm mmmm. Did I mention I’m jealous!!!!!

  17. Elsha says:

    I am seriously disappointed that I missed out on the Booth sighting!

  18. Rachael says:

    SEELY BOOTH! That is awesome. The most famous person I ever saw in an airport was that guy from American Idol a few seasons ago that Simon Cowell told he looked like a Bush Baby. THAT IS NOT THE SAME.

    I wish I lived down there, I would totally come hang out. I am bummed I have not had any opportunities so far to meet bloggy people in the real world, mostly because of financial reasons. Oh well, someday.

  19. Andrea says:

    I really enjoyed meeting you so much. And not just because you have a cute baby. Thanks for not freaking out when I hugged you.

  20. Erin says:

    I too am bummed I didn’t go to The Blathering (I’m a new reader for that group and thought it would be weird for me to show up all, “Hi guys, I’ve been reading you for only two months. Who wants pizza rolls?”) but next year for sure! Or, you know, I’ll come sit on your couch with you. I’ll bring pizza rolls.

  21. Sarah Lena says:

    So I was telling Bryan – wait, no, hang on. Lemme just app you this.

    (Srsly, was a blast, love you, mean it, let’s do it again soon.)

  22. Melanie says:

    This is not on the topic of the Blathering, which sounds awesome, but I know you love In-law stories – have you heard of the new TV show on A&E called Monster-in-Law? It’s like the forums COME TO LIFE! It’s amazing.

  23. Chip says:

    I admit it, I am insanely jealous you saw David Boreanaz. I probably would have wet myself. My sister makes fun of me for liking him but how can I not when he looks like that? Mmm mmm!

  24. […] Three regrets. Didn’t buy a real ticket (early enough). Didn’t ask for help. TOTALLY MISSED THE ANGEL SIGHTING. […]

  25. Alex says:

    This makes me want a blog. So glad you had a nice time!

    Penny remains adorable.

    Alex Reply:

    PS: Happy belated Anniversary!