Temerity Jane
18. 07. 2011

Let me tell you a little bit about what I did this weekend, but first, you should know this – AS I TYPE, Penny is having her first real nap. You know, the kind of nap where I deliberately PUT HER DOWN for a nap. Not in her little baby chair when she feels like sleeping, not in her swing because she’s been crying and crying and I don’t know what else to do. In her little Penny bed, swaddled up, at a time decided upon BY ME. For the first time.

EVIDENCE:

After taking, watermarking, and uploading that picture, I realize that you probably would have taken my word for it. I should have let you take my word for it, because I waited until two hours in to said nap to start writing this post. I spent the rest of the time tiptoeing down the hall and peering around the door frame. Baby naps are such an unproductive waste of my time.

Also, have I said enough times yet that Penny’s blanket was sent to her by Rhy?

Or that it has seen her through a lot? Or that Rhy has a yarn store right here? (Which I was just looking at and realized that we probably lived, like, 8 minutes apart before I came out here to AZ.) Or that we call it Special Blanket? As in, “Where’s Special Blanket? She needs Special Blanket.”

Anyway, all of those things.

So. This weekend.

*****

Decided to start the process of getting the dogs interviewed and approved to hang out at Camp Bow Wow.

Guess who apparently was not impressed with our plans?

Well, too bad, Sheldon, because you are going to the freaking camp and YOU WILL PLAY, because any weekend that sees me shrieking at the top of my lungs,

“STOP IT STOP IT STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT YOU GUYS HAVE GOTTEN SO RUDE I SWEAR I AM GOING TO CALL CESAR MILAN AND YOU ARE GOING TO GET WHISPERED YOU ARE GOING TO GET WHISPERED SO FUCKING HARD.

is pretty much a come to Jesus moment about the dogs and their need for exercise or at least TIME AWAY FROM ME.

*****

Packed up to scale Everest.

I KID. Obviously. Because, HA.

That’s all the stuff we packed to take Penny to her first movie – Harry Potter at the drive in!

She clearly loved it, as you can tell. Do we count that as her first movie, or is her first “official” movie one where we take a small yet conscious child to sit in a seat for an hour and a half and shush her through a stupid movie we don’t even want to see in the first place?

Not important. What’s important? I loved it. It went so fast, though, didn’t it? I mean, I know there was a lot to cover in the last book, but man. It just blew by. Like any other fan, I would have been pleased as all hell for them to go into all kinds of crazy detail and gone to part 3, part 4, part one jillion. Seriously, I could happily watch Harry Potter for as long as they want to draw it out. Except, they aren’t drawing it out. So. It’s over.

BUT, back to the movie. Snape, you guys. Right? RIGHT?

*****

This is where Penny finally woke up, I went and got her, fed her, changed her, dressed her, put her in her baby chair, went to the kitchen, stood in front of the stove where a diet soda cake is hanging out, and ate some cake with a fork right out of the pan.

Like you’ve never.

Don’t worry, I’m cancelling it out with some frozen grapes.

That reminds me, though, of my first real experience with the SO SO SO SO SO HUNGRY phase of pregnancy, when one morning, AFTER I ate a granola bar and a banana, and WHILE my waffle was in the toaster, I stood in front of the same stove, where some brownies were hanging out, and ate some. By fist. I was so frantically, panic-ly hungry that I ate brownies by the fistful during the seemingly unending Eggo toasting process.

I don’t have pregnancy as an excuse right now, but I do have a serious case of don’t feel like getting a plate.

******

I did not buy another adorable pirate-themed fitted diaper this weekend.

But I did get the one I bought last weekend in the mail.

*****

Penny learned to stick out her tongue and hasn’t stopped since, which is adorable, until you are the one returning her pacifier to her mouth every 5 minutes between 10pm and 2am.

In case it wasn’t clear, I am the one. I am the one who is returning the pacifier to her mouth every 5 minutes between 10pm and 2am.

*****

Lastly, the toilet paper argument was once again rehashed.

The toilet paper issue, you see, is two-fold.

First, we can’t seem to agree who is at fault for the fact that we go through nearly an entire roll of toilet paper per day.

Maybe if you didn’t need to roll a 3 inch thick catcher’s mitt of toilet paper around your hand every time you used the bathroom, we wouldn’t have this problem.”

“First, I don’t make a poo-mitt. Second, YOU PEE FIFTY TIMES A DAY.”

Second, we can’t agree on when it is time to change the roll. I’m here alone, and I keep the toilet paper supply at an adequate level for my anticipated needs. Even if that means just leaving one or two rotations of paper on the roll until my next visit. (WHICH IS SO NOT FIFTY TIMES A DAY.) Phil doesn’t like this, though. He thinks that I should ANTICIPATE that he might arrive home sometime between the last time I went and the next time I’ll go. Therefore, since he MIGHT arrive, toilet paper levels should be keep adequate for HIS NEEDS at all times.

This has lead to a lot of him coming home, grabbing PC Gamer, heading into his lair, and huffing back out mere moments later to glower at me as he grabs a fresh roll. I inevitably bellow back at him, “THERE IS PLENTY OF TOILET PAPER IN THERE.”

I know what you’re thinking. Men and women have different toilet paper needs (Phil did not, at first, know that even if a diaper is only wet, areas must still be wiped down well, though who would really expect him to), and I should maybe go ahead and change the roll if there are only a few inches left, even if those few inches are adequate for me. You’re siding with Phil.

Except, no. Because this is what PHIL considers to be an inadequate amount of toilet paper left on the roll, necessitating a roll change as soon as I become aware, by all of the lights and sirens, that we have reached DEF CON LEVEL toilet paper emergency situations:

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE AN EMERGENCY TO YOU?

Anyway, we’ve made no progress on this argument since the last time I told you about it over a year ago, so there’s really no reason for me to include it here, except that I feel like you guys deserve updates on things you’ve taken the time to read. Just a service I like to provide.

So, to sum up:

UpdatePhil still ridiculous about toilet paper.

51 responses to “Things I did this weekend: camp applications, Harry Potter, argued about toilet paper.”

  1. Larita says:

    Hahahaha! I was not around to read the first episode of the TP debate, but the update made me laugh pretty good as this is something that used to go on with my husband and myself. That last picture? Enough toilet paper to last me at least another day. What is with men?!

    Also? The tongue-sticking-out thing? Reason #1 my kid never got a pacifier. I do so pity you.

  2. Tiffany says:

    “The toilet paper issue, you see, is two-fold.”

    Shouldn’t that have been “The toilet paper issue is two PLY”?

    OH THE HARS.

    Re: HP – SNAPE! RIGHT?!?

  3. Mama Bub says:

    I’m physically holding myself back from going to peek in on the baby while she sleeps, because I know I will cry that she’s not wee like Penny anymore.

  4. Anything more than five squares=enough TP so that I am justified in not changing the roll.

  5. PinkieBling says:

    Dude. DUUUUUUDE. Phil uses that much paper in one (ahem) sitting? And he does this twice a day? I’m sorry, but the only response I have to that is HOLY SHIT. Poor Penny, having to learn that her father is single-handedly responsible for the lack of trees her generation will experience. ;-)

  6. Phaedra says:

    Am I thr only one who finds it ironic that Phil opens his soda cans totally wrong by opening them a nanometer yet requires a meter or so of TP?

  7. Tia says:

    OH MAN, Phil TOTALLY needs ass wipe (which we pronounce ass wee-pay to make it sound fancy). In reality it’s flushable wet wipes for grown-ups. My husband says that men need the wet wipes to be clean. I’m confused, as plain TP works just fine for me, but clearly men need more. It should help with the excessive use of TP.

  8. Jane says:

    I am going to put this out there-not in defense of Phil or as an argument or anything, but I don’t think you have to wipe down a baby’s parts when he/she/it only has a wet diaper either. I am a hippie about baby wipes-I think they cause diaper rash. Then again, I used disposables and they suck the pee directly from the urethra into their space age core so the baby bits were pretty dry when I changed a “wet” diaper.

    trena Reply:

    We did (or rather, didn’t) this with my little boy when he was in diapers–if it was just a pee diaper and as long as he didn’t smell off, didn’t necessarily wipe (I vaguely remember reading several studies about not wiping every time = less diaper rash) and we never had a problem with diaper rash either. We were also pretty careful with changing him pretty often though.

    Maybe it’s different for little girls?

    trena Reply:

    Oh and TM–totally feel your pain on the poo-mitt—someone who shall remain nameless but that isn’t me and is the only other adult that lives in my house also has to make the equivalent of the poo-mitt out of toilet paper as well when using the facilities and then has the audacity to wonder why we go through the TP so quickly. At our house we call the poo-mitt the “Wad”.

    TJ Reply:

    I’ve only got this one kid, but I clean myself up after I pee, so I do the same for her.

    I hope hearing about my pee habits wasn’t over the line.

    trena Reply:

    Hey, share away–I’m days away from having baby #2 (a little girl this time) and trying to figure out how I’m going to ask the nurses about uh…diaper clean-up w/her w/out sounding, well crazy. It was so easy w/The Boy, but little girls…and the creases, and well, you know.

    TJ Reply:

    I use cloth wipes and my own wipes solution, but that’s as hippy as I get. So, kind of hippy, in an “I hate hippies” kind of way, but I don’t hate the cloth diaper, etc type hippies, I hate the needs a job, pot smoking type hippies.

    Anyway. Cloth doesn’t really pull the moisture away like disposable does, so I treat her areas to a little freshening up if she’s been sitting in it for a bit.

    Mel Reply:

    Maybe it is different for girls? (I’m not sure why I’m assuming you don’t have a girl – you didn’t say) I always wipe when I pee, so I’ve just always wiped when I change my little girl. Hasn’t had diaper rash to this day and she’s now 7.5 months old.
    I’m not sure what I’d do with a boy…I’ve never changed a boy diaper.

    Mel Reply:

    Er, this was a reply to Jane, just to be clear. Obviously Penny is a girl. A very cute girl! :)

    Jessica Reply:

    I also don’t wipe my baby boy (or toddler girl, for that matter) after most wet diapers. My mom is a pediatric nurse, though, and is supposed to (and does) wipe the kids at her work during every diaper change. It makes me feel like a total slacker mom for not doing it.

    Kate Reply:

    I don’t either – not for my son and previously not for my daughter – although I certainly do for myself. But I guess it’s because there is generally no visible wetness, since the diaper change is not typically immediately after the peeing occurs? I will now ponder if I’m being a slacker, while doing nothing to change my habits.

  9. Ashley says:

    Sounds like Phil has learned to check the TP level before he sits down. I think that means you win.

  10. Allison says:

    At least he changes the roll in anticipation of your needs my Neanderthal of a hubby uses the very last speck of TP and doesnt think to change it… I’ve changed every roll since we started shacking up!

  11. Delicia says:

    Geesh.. that last picture clinches it, Phil is a WASTER of toilet paper! That’s easily enough for at least 2 more trips to the bathroom.

    Penny is still adorable.

    Snape.. OMG I CRIED.

    Camp Bow Wow looks neat!

    Is Penny staying home with Phil or going with you to The Blathering?

    Delicia Reply:

    Oh! I almost forgot.. why doesn’t Phil use the CD sprayer thingie attached to the toilet as a self-bidet? Then he’d need a lot less toilet paper, right??

  12. Dayna says:

    Doesn’t your household “if you care then it’s your job” rule cover this? If Phil goes in for a sitting and there’s not enough TP for him, then it’s his job to replace it sans glowering. Also, that’s a TON of paper on that role!

    Peregwyn Reply:

    Yes, I was thinking this exactly!

  13. rsngphoenix8 says:

    We don’t have a lot of storage in our bathroom so the whole pack of toilet paper ends up right next to the toilet. Maybe keep the pack there and he won’t be able to complain anymore. Seriously though, that is at least 3 trips worth for me. Shame there was no episode on Captain Planet regarding this. ;-)

  14. Kristina says:

    Children napping is the most glorious thing EVER.

    Also, I keep hoping the news will break ANY DAY NOW that J.K. has really come through for all of us and we’re going to get a series about Harry Potter all grown up or Dumbledore as a boy or SOMETHING FTLOG. It seems like such waste, because YOU KNOW she has stories bouncing around in her head and WE NEED TO HEAR THEM.

    Ahem. Too many all-caps for a comment, but I am not ready to LET GO.

    TJ Reply:

    That’s why there’s Pottermore!

    Kristina Reply:

    I know but isn’t that still months away from being open? AND I just don’t know how it could be as good as reading the books.

    As you can tell, I’m feeling very whiney about the whole thing.

  15. Bre says:

    We have a similar argument but over contact solution. My husband swears that I don’t replace the contact solution purposely so that he runs out when filling up his contact case at night. I say that you cannot tell between when the solution is *going* or *almost gone* and can only tell when it is *actually gone* so therefore I do not replace the bottle until it gets the squirt farts. At that point it is acceptable to change it. (I might add that extra contact solution is kept in the linen closet that is in the bathroom, maybe 5-6 steps from the counter where said solution is kept!).

    Also, can’t wait for HP!!! I am currently rewatching the prior years in preparation to seeing the final movie (which I hope is tomorrow).

    Rhonda Reply:

    Squirt farts

  16. Elise says:

    I haven’t seen Harry Potter yet, so thanks for no spoilers (and really, I guess I’m spoiler-immune, having read the books, but still it’s nice that you just said only the one thing that was pretty vague so when I finally get there, I’ll be like, “Oh, *that’s* what TJ meant!”).

    And I think I’m going to have to agree with Dayna. You guys live by the “if you care about it, it’s your responsibility” method. So, Phil loses this time. How often does he actually get to win, though?

  17. Flaime says:

    From that picture, Phil is correct. You put a new roll on and put that bit on top of the new roll. Because, if he doesn’t…roids. The bane of men over 30 everywhere.

  18. Staciepo says:

    I agree with you and several of the commenters… def enough TP for at least a couple more trips.

    On the HP front… have been twice (second time I was also at the drive in). And, YES, it went so fast and could not believe the years of geek girl dinners, midnight movie and book releases was over. I handed my friends on either side of me tissues as the movie went on- knew they would be needed.
    I can’t imagine what our haul will look like once we have kids, as we already have quite the set up where our drive-in trips are concerned (hint: there is an ottoman involved). As always, very funny and Penny, very cute :)

  19. Lara says:

    Phil and my guy are on the same team here. We go through a roll a day. A ROLL A DAY. It’s ridiculous and yes, it’s what I call his poo blanket (poo mitt is also good) that uses it all up. I’ve never met anyone who uses as much as him. “I like a clean bum.” he says. AS DO I and yet I also like not spending my life savings on toilet paper, for the love of god.

    I ended up having to insist we only use Costco tp (boo) because, really, we’re not rich. So the mondo pack won’t fit under the sink and we have to keep it in the hall. When we started doing this and he left the roll empty, I told him “You know, now that we don’t keep the tp in the bathroom, it’s kind of a dick move to not replace it when you finish the roll”.

    NOW he will come out, on almost a daily basis, with a roll similar to the one pictured above and say “dick move” and OMG. Is not. I promise I will not leave an empty roll in there. I WILL leave a 3/4 empty roll in there. If you need more, STOCK UP before you go in. Not my job to anticipate your redick poo blanket needs.

    Love the Penny pictures, as always.

  20. EmilysHollow says:

    Snape. Oh, snape. “Always.” GAH.

    But the stupid, manipulative, and totally rad tear jerking moment that got me, “Mummy loves you, Dada loves you.” FUCK YOU, YATES.

    I am stalking the mail waiting for my pirate (and SIMPSON’S!!!) diaper to arrive. OMG.

    In our house, I’m the one who always sits down when we’re out of TP, and I’m not a waster. JS just…I don’t know. Is perpetually clean and fresh?

    Wulfa Reply:

    Haha, I started bawling during the “Mummy loves you” scene. Still makes me tear up.

  21. Kero says:

    “YOU ARE GOING TO GET WHISPERED SO FUCKING HARD!”

    Omg, I died.

    Natalie Reply:

    Me too!

  22. Kailen says:

    That’s enough tp for me, most of the time, but hey, sometimes there are situations. (Of course why Phil has situations every day, I don’t know. Maybe he needs more fiber.)

  23. Phancy says:

    I’m totally with Phil on the TP. In fact, way before this point, I place the backup roll on the back of the toilet. I get panicky if I think the TP is low. My husband doesn’t go through it very quickly, but he also lives in fear of running out of TP. So much so that he carries an extra roll in his car!

    I’m not a wiper-after-every-pee for my baby girl, and it seems to be working ok. We did disposable, then cloth, then disposable, then cloth. Defeats the purpose, I know, but there was a cross-country move involved.

    Anyway, also, thanks for your tip on the drive-in. It hadn’t even occurred to me that this new city might have them, and we DO! And we can go with a baby! Whooeee!!!
    We’re hoping hoping hoping to squeeze out a trip to see HP next week while we are visiting the in-laws and they can babysit…

  24. Mel says:

    Oh, I’m so jealous you got to see Harry Potter. I vaguely think there may be a drive-in somewhere within 50 miles of me, but I’m not sure my daughter (7.5 months) would sit through it – she’s in her “always must be moving” stage…which I guess won’t really end for quite a while.
    I’m hoping your Snape statement means they did his story justice. I was so underwhelmed with what they did with him in, well, pretty much every other movie. I do like me some Snape.

  25. Jessica says:

    This makes me feel lucky that my husband and I are both cheapskates and agree every single square of toilet paper must be used. If you need more than is on the roll you first finish the roll, then get additional paper from the new roll. It would drive me crazy to have unfinished rolls just thrown away!

  26. Natalie says:

    I stayed at my aunt’s house for a few days and I went hunting under the sink for some TP. What I found were several rolls that looked like the ones pictured above. I guess she replaces them when they get that low? But then what does she do with the remainders? I don’t know. I was confused. Isn’t it weird how someone related to you can have habits that seem totally alien to you?

  27. Capn John says:

    Why does Phil need to leave the bathroom to get a new roll? Why aren’t the spare rolls stored within arms reach of the toilet?

  28. Amy says:

    I have never wiped my daughter for pee diapers; I do fan her “area” a bit though. We’ve never had any issues. We use gDiapers, so maybe they wick moisture away better than cloth though.

    I enjoyed your threat of whispering of the dogs. :)

  29. Kate says:

    I am with you on the tp. My husband is with Phil, which I mostly ignore, except when he tries to teach my daughter that it’s the appropriate amount of toilet paper and she hops right on board.

    He also NEVER changes the toilet paper. The new rolls are on shelf that is within reach if you’re sitting on the can – so if he needs one he gets one. He doesn’t put it on the dispenser, though, he just uses it and leaves it on the back of the toilet. HIGHLY IRRITATING.

  30. Rebekah says:

    “YOU ARE GOING TO GET WHISPERED SO FUCKING HARD.”
    Oh my god. Too hilarious. Well played, TJ, well played.

  31. sam says:

    There is this THING that hangs on the toilet tank and holds TWO spare rolls of toilet paper. It is genius. Lemme go find a link.

  32. Gaby says:

    I think that my lame super power that I was gifted with is the ability to be the person who ALWAYS sits down to a toilet paper roll that needs to be replaced. Lamest super power ever! I have had to change the roll at so.many.places, it’s ridiculous.

    Hey TJ, would your friend Rhys mind sharing what pattern she used on the Special Blanket? It’s beautiful, and I’d love to know how to make it. Thanks!

  33. Mrs. CPA says:

    SNAPE! Jesus, I cried through practically the entire movie. And then I went home and listened to the last several books and cried throught the end of Deathly Hallows because all I could see was him holding on to Lilly in the bedroom after she was dead and he was obviously destroyed. Oh Crap, I’m tearing up at work! And the parents and sirius and Lupin at the end, does it hurt, will you stay with me until the end, ahhhhh! Calling all the statues down and saying do your duty; protect our school! The whole thing was terribly sad. But I’m going to go watch it again this week. By myself. With lots of tissues.

  34. Rhy says:

    Holy cow, how did I totally miss that you did, like, HALF a post of pictures of the blankie? Thanks a ton for the yarn store shoutout, too! (also, technically we were, like, an hour apart when you lived here — I just moved up from VA a few months ago.)