1. Airplane reclininess. Do you recline? I do not. I am not a lifelong flier. I’ve only been flying since my first job out of college. I think my first flight anywhere was from DC to Boston, and it was kind of a nightmare, but that’s not on my list of things we need to discuss today. That was on one of my lists of things we needed to discuss in 2005, which, knowing me, is probably crumbled up in a ball in a half-broken cheap knockoff Rubbermaid-ish (probably, like, Rabbermaid, or Rubbermood or some shit) container in our storage unit as we SPEAK. Even in my short amount of flying time, which I was just illustrating, seat space has shrunk.
I’m starting a new paragraph because that one was long.
Seat space has shrunk! But you can still lean back! So. Do you? I don’t, as I said. You buy a ticket, right? And a ticket gives you a seat, which is essentially space. A space for you. But which space is your space? Is it the space where your legs are, and maybe your tray table and your puzzle book? OR is it the space where the back of your seat is able to tilt INTO? Because if it’s THAT SPACE, that would mean that the person behind you has not purchased the entire leg/tray table area, because part of that is yours. For your leaniness. And okay, leaning is comfortable. I assume. And your seat CAN lean. So you SHOULD. I know that. You can and you SHOULD. Because why SHOULDN’T you be comfortable? And I am not EVEN being sarcastic when I am saying that, despite the fact that that’s how you may be toning me in your head. I’m not. But your comfort WILL take away some comfort from the person behind you. You have to take your comfort, KNOWINGLY REMOVING IT from someone else. But that someone else may be, AT THAT VERY MOMENT, removing comfort from the person behind him! How do you know? You don’t! So does HIS act of comfort removal justify YOURS? Does the very fact that reclination is possible justify it?
But is it even something that should have to be justified? I mean, lean back. You can lean back. Why shouldn’t you lean back? I want to lean back. I always want to lean back. I want to spend my entire life in a continual state of recline. I was born to lean back. The closer my person comes to 90 degrees, the more of a bitch I am. It is to EVERYONE’S benefit for me to lean back. But I don’t. Because I’m not sure if I’ve purchased that space behind me. And I can’t bring myself to be the person who encroaches into the leg area of someone who may be of the understanding that HE has purchased the leg area and that I have purchased MY leg area and should stay out of his. And then the guy in front of me leans back and I can’t make myself lean back, and I sit there and fume about the AUDACITY. I cannot convince myself that leaning back is okay. Is it?
WHAT DID YOU PAY FOR? YOUR KNEES OR YOUR TILT?
2. Okay, 50 Shades of Grey. I read them, and I’m kind of annoyed. Not that they’re being called Mommy Porn, and not that they’re poorly written, and not that the author had the audacity to let them become popular and make a bazillion dollars. I’m annoyed that so many people are annoyed.
I keep seeing people saying shit like, “Don’t people know how POORLY WRITTEN those books are?” or, “It’s so sad that women are picking these up and thinking it’s GOOD EROTICA,” or “It’s ridiculous that this author has gotten popular when so many talented writers HAVEN’T!”
To which I present my rejoinder, oh my god, shut UP.
The 50 Shades series has sold about a berzillion copies. Do you think they were all sold to idiots, or just mostly idiots? Come on. Seriously. Get over yourself. People read them because they liked them. And that’s okay. It doesn’t matter if it’s trash. It doesn’t matter if it’s a Twilight rip off. It doesn’t matter if someone else wrote something better one time or every time. The world isn’t as full of poor sheepy idiots as some over information-stuffed perma-internetters have a tendency to believe at times. Please add,
“Poor ladies, too stupid to know that’s not real erotica/poorly written/embarrassing for them.”
to the category with the rest of these,
“Poor fat people, too stupid to know fast food is unhealthy/exercise is good for them.”
“Poor Christians, too stupid to know God isn’t real.”
“Poor flyover states, too stupid to know how to vote the way I would.”
“Poor everyone who isn’t me, too stupid to know how awesome I am.”
ALSO? Life is too short for shitty books, so I refuse to believe people who say that once they started the series, they haaaaaad to finish it, even though they were probably going to die from it at any moment. Come on. It’s three books! You read THREE BOOKS because you’re stricken with a very specific, very hobby-based form of OCD?
Also, lay off the people you see reading it in public. It’s not like there are boobies on the cover. You know what’s in that book and she knows what’s in that book, and the only other people who know what’s in that book are the people who have READ THAT BOOK, so there’s no shame if it’s shared shame. Give her a wink and a nod or a thumbs up or a fist bump or something… not as awkward as I am. In the words of a great poet of our day, ladies is pimps too. Middle fingers, gripping your balls, etc.
3. Go on and UNIRONICALLY ENJOY THE SHIT OUT OF SOMETHING. It feels good.
4. Number 3 was originally part of number 2, but you know what? It stands on its own.
5. From: Penelope
As I am a year old, I propose that I become a one nap a day baby. Support for my position as follows:
– I have pushed back my morning nap.
– I now take a later, extended nap.
– This extended nap serves to replace the two, smaller naps on my previously existing schedule.
– Extended nap allows you, the mother, time to both shower AND nap yourself.
As you can see, clear benefits for all involved.
Look forward to your response,
(Also, I go by Pen now.)
From: Your mother
Subject: Re: Your proposal
Support for my position as follows:
– You have indeed pushed back your morning nap, but only by 90 minutes.
– Your later, extended nap varies from 2.5 to 3 hours long and since you still get up at 5am, ends by 11am
– You are a big fat jerk by dinner time
– You are a delusional ball of asshole-ish exhausti-fury by bed time.
– You are still flinging your raging form around your room two hours past bed time.
– Also, this:
– Oh, and this:
– Not just no, but hell no.
(I go by your mother. Still.)
6. Remember my last entry when everything was going all to hell and I had strep throat and exploding eyeball? Well, the next day, Pen and I had to take Phil for an outpatient procedure on his back, and then we all came home, and then Pen got a million degree fever and I had to take her to the emergency room. LIFE, YOU GUYS, AM I RIGHT?