Temerity Jane
11. 03. 2011

(This post originally appeared in January of 2010, and I am posting it again today for two reasons.

One: It turns out that my method of worrying was that I allowed myself to worry about only one thing at a time, and until recently, that thing was Viable Garlic Bread. Now that our main worries of De-hutted Bread Survivability have been conquered, I am left to face the fact that we are now in a stage where we hope to achieve perfect balance between her and I, which means we watch my health decline and hope that it doesn’t do so in a dramatic way, and I am now basically sitting around and not seeing each passed day as another day of Bread Development, but instead, as another day where I didn’t have a sudden seizure or stroke.

As you can imagine, this new angle on the situation as brought about feelings, feelings that make me feel rather uncharitable and internally ugly (because of course there is something wrong when a pregnant woman is spending any fraction of her time worried about very real threats to her own health when EVERYONE KNOWS pregnant ladies are self-sacrificing vessels that care ONLY for the child within HAHAHA NO, that is not at all true, but still, associated guilt) and are also a bit complex, so I am taking today off from original content, as I am not the type to often use the Internet so much to work through feelings, but more the type to sort them on my own and come back to tell you about them once said sorting is done.

Two: I REALLY DON’T FEEL LIKE THIS POST WAS APPRECIATED THE FIRST TIME, SO HERE IS YOUR DO OVER, INTERNET. TRY AGAIN. THIS SHIT IS HILARIOUS.

Number two is basically the main reason.)

Internet, there are very few things in this world I truly dislike. I don’t like sausage. I don’t like Fiona Apple. I don’t like any movies with shooting, violence, explosions, fighting, running, jumping, car chases, bombs, harsh language, aliens, time travel, inter-breeding of species, special effects, animation blended with live action, sad parts, funny parts, dramatic parts, things that jump out at you, red herrings, false alarms, love triangles, or the part of the plot where the girl/guy loses their guy/girl forever except you know it’s not forever because there’s still 20 minutes of movie left, and I hate stubbing my toe.

So really, Internet, you know that I must be serious when I tell you HOW HARD I HATE SNICKERS BARS RIGHT NOW.

Phil is taking a course of steroids for a back injury right now, and I have a raging case of PMS combined with the fact that I’m going wedding dress shopping next week, so it only made sense that yesterday we hopped in our car to drive to the Shell station around the corner to find a whole bunch of fattening crap to stuff into our face holes.

Among other things (which were, of course, a salad and a delightful low-fat low-cal low-sodium low-taste protein bar to power me through my evening work outs-HAHAHAHAHAHA), I chose this:

Please pardon my chicken, it was conveniently sized for covering up a S’mores ice cream stain.

Are you judging me right now, Internet? Maybe for the fact that I bought a Snickers? Or because I have a cooler under my desk so that when Phil and I do actually play WoW together (I totally gave in this weekend, by the way – Fronks & Boones on Drenden, Alliance side), we don’t have to make the 45 second round trip downstairs for sodas? Or maybe you’re one of those assholes who thinks it’s ridiculous for me to drink diet soda with my candy bar, like people who drink diet soda are all universally so stupid that when we order a Big Mac and a Diet Coke, we actually believe the Diet Coke is somehow canceling out the Big Mac? For that last one, if you are one of those assholes, seriously – have you ever even realized what an asshole you are?

Anyway, my point is – if you are judging me right now, you go right on ahead with your bad self. Because you’re a PERSON and it is your right to run around judging people all willy nilly for whatever you want! I mean, it’s possible to go overboard, of course, but I can’t stop you. Sometimes, when you’re having a really crappy day, judging someone else and finding yourself slightly superior is the one shining moment in the whole shitfest of a day. So you go on and do what you feel you need to do.

But you know who isn’t allowed to judge me?

Candy. Candy is not allowed to judge me. Not even a little. I don’t even want a HINT OF AN IDEA that candy MIGHT be judging me. And while the candy bar pictured above isn’t saying anything outright, I am PRETTY DAMN SURE it doesn’t even approve of me buying it in the first place.

Upon getting in the car and ripping open my Snickers bar before we even left the parking lot (again, judge me if you must, but I just want to say that Phil? He ended up paying for a hot dog WRAPPER because he ATE THE HOT DOG before we even got to the counter) (I’d also like to remind you that Phil is on steroids, so, you know), I pulled out my prize only to discover? IT WAS ONLY HALF A PRIZE.

At first I thought my King Size Snickers bar had broken in half, and I wondered how that was even possible, because have you ever seen a King Size Snickers bar? It’s like as big around as a baby’s arm (don’t even act like you’ve never eaten a Snickers, Internet. I mean, judge me if you want, but don’t LIE about it). And you know what I found on closer inspection? It hadn’t broken in half, because the part where it would have been broken was CLEARLY AND DELIBERATELY CHOCOLATED OVER.

So I took a closer look at the wrapper.

Ok, for some reason, they have taken a perfectly good ridiculously-sized candy bar and broken it into two pieces. I WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE WITH THIS, except for the added INSTRUCTIONS.

That’s right. Instructions. On how to SAVE one of my UNASKED FOR PIECES for later.

And? The two “CONVENIENT” pieces? They were both smaller than an actual, normal-sized Snickers.

Don’t you think, SNICKERS, that if I wanted a normal-sized Snickers, I would have bought a normal-sized Snickers? I WOULD HAVE. But I didn’t. I bought a KING SIZE SNICKERS because I had a KING SIZE NEED for chocolate. I needed CHOCOLATE, not your ATTITUDE, Snickers.

Don’t you see, Internet? Who buys a King Size Snickers without intending to shove the whole thing down their throat right then and there? Don’t tell me, “Well, sometimes people want some Snickers now, and some Snickers later,” because you know what, up until Snickers made this UNREQUESTED two-piecing of their candy bar, that’s what buying two Snickers was for. ESPECIALLY gas station Snickers. You don’t wander into a gas station looking to stock your pantry with snacks for later. You walk into a gas station to buy stuff that is going to be half-digested by the time you arrive at your destination.

Yet, here we have the CANDY BAR ITSELF trying to pass judgment on me, and being pretty effing passive aggressive about it, if you ask me.

You know what, King Size Snickers? This is my you impression:

“Um, TJ, I’m not going to tell you what you should and shouldn’t eat, but you know what I am going to do? I’m going to go ahead and cut myself in half, and then? I’m going to suggest you go ahead and twist my wrapper right around. I’m not going to come right out and say it, but I think you understand that I’m not telling you to twist an empty wrapper here. You should leave half. For another time.”

THAT’S YOU, KING SIZE SNICKERS. THAT WAS ME, DOING YOU. And you know what? You sounded kind of like an ASSHOLE.

If I WANTED a smaller portion of Snickers, I would have bought a smaller portion of Snickers. I don’t need the “helpful” advice, King Size Snickers. I already KNOW I shouldn’t be eating a King Size Snickers. Do you know how I know? Because it’s called KING SIZE and I’m not a king. I’m not even like, 1/32 royalty. I shouldn’t be having ANYTHING meant for kings. Up until you decided to get all WRAPPER-UPPITY, King Size Snickers, your name alone was enough to warn people like, “Dude? Just so you know? I’m meant for kings, so I’m pretty huge. If you’re cool with that, go on ahead and eat me, but by my very name, you should know that I’m not really the best option for someone who isn’t a king.” And you know what? THAT WAS ENOUGH.

Seriously, Snickers people? If you read the Internet? You need to shut your candy the hell up because, rude!

JUST IN CASE IT WASN’T CLEAR: Snickers totally did not pay me to say this stuff about their passive-aggressive, judgmental, SHOULD-MIND-ITS-OWN-BUSINESS candy bar.

24 responses to “Let me tell you about this passive-aggressive candy bar I met (again).”

  1. melissac says:

    It really sucks that you have to endure this. I hope the perfect balance is struck. At least you aren’t in the hospital on bedrest? Just trying to think positive. Wishing you and Garlic Bread a lot of health without compromising the other person’s health.

  2. Nona says:

    I don’t like gastronomy trends where the food has to be explained to me. Husband and I were in a fancy restaurant when the waiter served an amuse busche in an eye dropper. “Squirt it in your mouth. It will taste like the essence of a bacon, lettuce tomato sandwich.”

    Yeah, that totally happened for real. Pretentious pricks.

    So yeah, mass-marketed junk food should certainly not come with instructions.

    Candy bars wrapped in judgment aside, I hope you and GB find a balance that keeps you both safe and healthy.

    Pinkie Bling Reply:

    Get right out of town. Eye dropper? ESSENCE of a BLT? Unreal. How much did the little squirt cost?

    Nona Reply:

    Not kidding at all. And it did taste like a BLT, but it was so ridiculous. It was free, compliments of the trendy chef. The rest of the dinner was well over $100.

  3. Therese says:

    You are 100% right! Candy, ESPECIALLY candy purchased at any gas station/convenience store should lay off the passive agressive judgment. If I wanted to save some for later, I would buy some sort of buld packaging at the grocery store. I hope you went ahead and showed the King size Snickers who was boss and ate both pieces right then!

    Maybe a king-size Snickers would make you feel better now? (Maybe not, but I thought since we were on the subject I’d ask.)

  4. Pinkie Bling says:

    Sanctimonious asshole candy – do not want!

  5. michelchel says:

    Yeah, I saw that sneaky change before buying a Snickers recently. I totally felt up that bar to see what kind of size pieces we were dealing with. I bought two regularly sized Snickers instead.

    Wait, I just figured out the whole SCHEME! It’s a trick to get us to buy MORE to fulfill our chocolate-covered-peanuts-and-caramel NEEDS!

    Dastardly.

  6. Danell says:

    That’s a pretty sucktastic situation you and Garlic Bread are having to ride out! :(

    But holy shit, you are so freakin’ funny! Hope you are feeling better and things go smoothly the rest of the way out. I’m looking forward to reading the sorted out stuff!

  7. Mary says:

    Woot! My most favorite blog post EVAR! Yay! Awesome and indeed, entirely hilarious.

    As far as current events go, I’m not really sure what to say, except that I’m wishing you all well.

  8. Mary says:

    P.S. Y’all (Internets) should totally read (or re-read) the S’mores ice cream post that is linked in the post above, too. It is also funny. :)

  9. Delicia says:

    This is probably why I have shied away from the king size Snickers ever since your original post. If you go for the king size kitkat, it is about the size of a small kite, very gratifyingly large and NO judgey “here’s how much you should eat at one sitting” crap.

  10. Kara says:

    I really like the chicken timer. I think I need to invest in one of those.

  11. I totally remember this post and I am still outraged on your behalf. Because I have totally purchased a King Size Snickers, chosen especially for its King Sizeness, and I would be ticked off if it was suggested to me that I didn’t need King Size. Because sometimes you really do need King Size, you know?

    Some days you need a Snickers. And some days you need a SNICKERS.

    Dammit. Now I need a Snickers.

  12. Swistle says:

    I read the whole post again, and then instead of commenting right away, I FIRST went back to the archives to find the original post, because I was pretty sure I would have LOVED THE SH*T OUT OF IT the first time (and this from someone who DOES NOT use even asterisked swear words lightly) (and especially not THAT expression, which I think is DISGUSTING), and indeed, that was the one where I promised to join whatever religion you might later form. Good. Because seriously.

    Pinkie Bling Reply:

    I’m in, too. But I hope you don’t make us shave our heads.

  13. Moonmagick says:

    They’ve gone to same kind of trickery with King Size Milky Way and Three Musketeers. Not only is it passive aggressive bullshit, because as you said, if I wanted slightly bigger than fun size, I’d buy a bag of fun size. And probably eat half, but that’s beside the point. But it’s a ripoff. Because, at least around here a king size is 2x the cost of a regular. And now you no longer get 2x the chocolate. The first time I bought one with the “convenient” 2 piece package I was full on mid pms, kids refusing naptime with a dozen errands to run so needless to say I called the candy bar a few unsavory names.

  14. Becky says:

    I probably said this before, but I completely agree, and every time I buy a king sized Snickers I think of that post.
    Also, my lent “thing” is supposed to be that I’m not going to purchase junk food from the little store in the skywalk near my work. But I have wanted a candy bar all day, and I have $1.50 in my pocket, and I think this post just pushed me over the edge. I’m probably going to hell anyways, so I might as well enjoy my chocolate. Although I would enjoy it more if it wasn’t JUDGING ME.
    ps. I am thinking about you guys a lot. I understand the needing to think in terms of something, and that something being more of a “bad” thing now than before. I wish that you didn’t have to deal with it.

  15. Leigh says:

    Thank you for re-posting this; it was indeed hilarious.

    I saw something similar on a Smart Ones microwave “meal” recently. There are two quesadillas packaged in one box, and the instructions specifically say to remove the quesadillas, put one in the microwave, and then put the other one back in the freezer. Literally: “put it back in the freezer.” The “[comma] lard-ass” is implied.

  16. Alice says:

    i was just commenting to pregnant friend the other day that her fetus was kiiiiind of an asshole for inconveniencing her so much, when HELLO FREE RENT for 9 months and also THE GIFT OF LIFE, maybe the fetus could be a little more appreciative. i think that applies double to you.

  17. Kate says:

    Chicken timer! I have that chicken timer! I love it so, even though it’s kind of a pain to set and sounds like a dying doorbell when it rings. Even better, I bought one for my mom and that one sometimes goes off on its own. Random buzzing chicken-y goodness. I should have bought a dozen.

  18. drhoctor2 says:

    work those feelings.. work them !! Everyday the bread is in , she’s gaining weight ..you’re still doing an excellent job even if you are on simmer at the moment. I’m sure it is scary and I hope you and the bread align perfectly for the birth-en-ing. you will have so much fun soon !!

  19. Alex says:

    Even better the second time. “KING SIZE NEED for chocolate” is my premenstrual mantra.

    Hope you’re feeling okay today.

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