Temerity Jane
15. 07. 2014

Before we got married – actually, before we moved in together – ACTUALLY, before we were even officially dating, I told Phil that I don’t move. I mean, I physically move, like my limbs and stuff, if I have to. I meant that I don’t move my belongings from place to place. I’ll pack boxes and I’ll clean the place I’m leaving behind, but I don’t lift them and I don’t load trucks and I certainly don’t lift furniture out of one door and into another door. I just don’t do it. I don’t. And it’s fine if you want to consider this a glaring character flaw on my part, we all have them, but what’s important is that I informed Phil of this flaw BEFORE WE WERE EVEN ACTUALLY TOGETHER. I laid it out there like, here it is. Your call, dude. I would like it known for the record that he didn’t start up with the puns until I was already in Arizona and had closed my only credit card, so I ask you, who is the actual asshole?

Anyway, knowing that fact, he still chose to pursue a relationship with me, and I moved (he moved my stuff) from Maryland to Arizona, and then we moved (he moved our stuff) from one place in Arizona to another, and then we moved again (he hired some guys for most of it) to another place in Arizona, and then we had to move to New Mexico courtesy of the military. He decided to take advantage of the full benefits of a military move and arranged to have the whole deal where people come in and not only load everything onto a truck, but also pack it all up as well. I wonder why.

The day the packers came, I took Penelope to the indoor park one more time, because there’s not really anything like that around the new place, not nearly as convenient, at least, and of course to keep her out of the hair of the guys packing up all of our possessions. The night before, we’d gone grocery shopping for enough convenience food, snacks, paper plates, and cups for the rest of the week, as well as put all of the clothes, toiletries, medications and whatnot that we’d need in the spare bedroom. Since the packers will pack everything that isn’t nailed down, what you have to do is mark off a room that basically won’t be touched at all and put everything you’re going to need in there and you best not forget anything. We took the mattress off of our spare bed and left that in the room as well, since we decided to get rid of it. We were able to kind of eke out a little extra comfort in this way by sleeping on the mattress for a couple of nights before we arranged for a bulk trash pick up to come and get it, then we had to sleep on the floor.

Pen and I left the house just shortly before the movers were supposed to arrive, but they ended up being hours late, so when her energy for playing started to flag, we had to kill time at the mall. Twist my arm. I stopped by Sephora and did kind of a double take when I saw that they had a whole pile of Anastasia Beverly Hills Contour kits which, at the time, had been selling out as soon as they came available online, so it was a surprise to see so many piled up right in the store. I went back and forth about grabbing one, because I’m pretty fair skinned and there are six colors in the kit, so the chances of being able to use all of them are pretty slim. One of my initial reluctancies (I see you, red squiggle) to pick up the contour kit was that I’d use up two or three colors and be left with three useless ones. Plus, uh, I actually don’t know how to contour well at all. However, there’d been a lot of talk about Anastasia coming out with refills in other colors for the kit, and I actually don’t own as much makeup as I do because I’m particularly talented. It’s because I like playing around with it. When I look at pictures of what I could do with makeup at this time last year or two years ago, there’s a world of difference, and it’s only because I’ve spent the time sitting on the bathroom counter working at it. Plus, I can be honest with myself, I’m kind of a hoarder/collector, and I just wanted to have it. So I grabbed it, and SPEAKING OF, this came up on the Anastasia Instagram two days ago.

Click through to ABH Instagram.

So these are all the refills that are going to be available for the contour kit. The six original colors, plus all of these new ones. There’s a lot of information available on the Instagram post, but to sum up: the refills/pans are going to be sold individually for $14 each, but if you buy six, it’s $40 and comes with a palette, so it’s the same cost as the original contour kit. So you can basically put together an entirely custom kit. Some of the shades can be used as correctors like for under eye circles and whatnot, which I think is pretty handy when creating a custom kit because you’ll pretty quickly figure out which couple contour shades and highlight shades you like the best and can pop a couple correctors into the other spots. It also says that these new pans will only be available on the Anastasia site for now. So that’s something.

I bought my Contour Kit while the movers were packing up our stuff, but until now, it’s stayed completely untouched and unopened, because all my stuff was packed, which includes my lighted mirror and my Happiness Hippo and all of my makeup. Don’t worry – when I say all of my makeup was packed, I mean packed by hand, by me, into two enormous boxes and placed into the spare bedroom where it wouldn’t be handled by anyone but me. But still, completely packed and not really usable. And it stayed that way (well, I kind of unloaded it into sinks and a bathtub recently) while I waited for my vanity to be ready for use. I did break into my older stuff, but a lot of recent purchases, swaps, and other acquirements have sat waiting for me to get moving on getting my makeup room slash okay FINE IT’S JUST MY BEDROOM assembled and ready to go. If you follow me on Instagram, you might have seen that last night, the final piece to my desk was finally installed and I’ve moved my stuff out of the bathtub.


Unfortunately, I only made it so far before I was stricken with ennui.

Also, I realized that there are still a couple of boxes completely illogically missing due to some weird packing, which include my lighted mirror and my Happiness Hippo and my More Than Just a Pretty Face note that Ulta sent me, all of which can be seen in this picture here, and how am I supposed to do my makeup without any of that stuff? Why did I move everything out of the bathtub? What’s the point of it? What’s the point of anything? Oh, I’m thinking about putting a big mirror on that blank wall there, not a decorative one, but one of those big, blank, flat, bathroom slab style ones, what do you think?


So we’re at the mall and I’m wasting as much of Penelope’s time and energy as I can, okay? Look:


Blissfully unaware there are no malls where she’s going.


Ineffective good behavior bribe number eight of undetermined.

When we got home, the packers still weren’t done, of course, since they’d arrived late. Penny and I went back into the guest room where there was no chance in hell of her taking any kind of nap, and Phil and I switched off sitting with her and sitting in the living room awkwardly supervising the dudes putting everything we own into boxes. Eventually, late in the afternoon, they left for the day. They weren’t done and were going to have to return the next day, Tuesday, which was a huge pain in the ass. The estimate was that the whole thing – packing and loading – would take two days, which was why, as I mentioned yesterday, our dogs were boarded Monday/Tuesday. Instead, they were going to be packing alone on Monday/Tuesday and then loading on Wednesday. Ugh. But with moving and stuff like that, all these kinds of things end up having you over a barrel. What are you even going to do about it?

They cleared out for the day and I walked over to the kitchen counter to grab a granola bar. Granola bar. Granola… bar? HUNGRY. PHIL. WHERE GRANOLA. Well. See. The thing is. You know how he had had to stay behind to supervise the packing while I hauled Penelope around all day to keep her out of the way? He actually wasn’t really watching that closely and they packed all the food. All the food we just bought the day before, the food and the paper plates and cups and such that we were going to live on for the rest of the week. All of it. That we just bought. The night before. Gone. At this point, we’d already been eating out quite a bit, and while it wasn’t exactly gourmet stuff we were talking about, it was FOOD THAT COULD BE PREPARED AND CONSUMED IN OUR HOUSE and NO, I did NOT want to order more pizza, everyone put your shoes on, WE ARE GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE. Mama has a ramen habit.

I was slightly – okay, entirely – mollified when Phil had to hike up his pants through the entire store because under his watchful eye, the movers packed his only belt.

We got home and got Penny settled down in her room on the air mattress for the rest of the evening and I came out into the kitchen for my first time to really catch up with Phil in what seemed like days. We’d known we were moving for a long time and things went really slow for a while as we were kind of jerked around by the process, but then everything went SUPER fast, and we just kind of passed each other back and forth for a bit there, with no real chance to even exchange any information, like “Hey, protect our food.”

He came in from the office area and said, “These guys are really thorough, they even packed the stuff in the drawers.”

“What do you mean.”
“You know, those white and orange cabinets in the office, they packed the stuff in the drawers.”
“Do you mean ALL THE DRAWERS?”
“I don’t know, I guess?”

Now, here I need to back up and tell you a little bit more about what I told you before. If you don’t want something packed, like things you’re going to need during the move – medication, clothing, phone chargers – you need to put it in a “Do Not Pack” area. The movers never came into our spare bedroom because that was our designated area. I don’t own a lot of underpants, so I also put all my underpants in there. Because, you know. My underpants. Also, I don’t own a lot of underpants. I needed them all.

But on top of that, Phil told me that when they move dressers and stuff, they just wrap the whole thing, wholesale, in plastic. Just the whole thing, drawers and contents and all, and move it just like that. So I took something of mine – something of mine – and I put it in Phil’s sock drawer. You know. His sock drawer. Where there were already some other things any way. Some other things.

I took something of mine.

And I put it in the sock drawer. The sock drawer.

With the other things.

Back to our screaming at Phil program.


I went running into the bedroom which was FILLED with packed and sealed boxes.

I flung open the sock drawer.


I looked at the boxes.



You guys. I took my turn sitting on the couch while a man packed up our bedroom. I sat on the couch and smiled at him whenever he walked by.

I was told there would be plastic wrap.

And? AND? The same guy, the bedroom packing one, was the one who came back alone to finish up the next day.

You know what, though? By the time we got to New Mexico, we’d been through so much other stuff with the car rental saga, and our dog, and the ridiculous unpackers on the other end that it all seemed kind of faded. Maybe it wasn’t so bad. How bad could it be, right? I mean, sock drawer. There were socks. How meticulous are strangers with other people’s stuff, anyway? You just dump a dresser drawer and then move on to the next one. End of the day, getting tired and hungry, want to go home. I mean, he didn’t even have time to add an “s” on to “item in drawers.” Clearly not detail oriented. It’s fine. It’s fine.


We meet again.

Item hand wrapped in packing paper. That’s all I have to say about that.

30 responses to “Item in drawers: a tale of husbandly betrayal, vanity progress, and the Anastasia Contour Kit-ish.”

  1. LizScott says:

    This first paragraph is my favorite thing, and also, OMFG

    TJ Reply:

    I’m not going to be accused of not pulling my weight when I’ve made it fully clear I have absolutely no intention of even attempting to pull my weight, you know?

  2. Ginger says:

    Packing paper?!?!?! OMFG.

    TJ Reply:

    Carefully wrapped. ENTIRELY WRAPPED.

    Ginger Reply:

    Well, I mean, you do want to be SAFE and all.

  3. Elizabeth says:

    Oh my goooooooood nooooooo.

    TJ Reply:


    Elizabeth Reply:

    Obviously, because sex tongs.

  4. Linnea says:

    Oh movers. When the military moved us (my parents, brother & me. I was 9) from SF to San Antonio, they packed our trash cans. STILL FULL OF TRASH.

    TJ Reply:

    I guess when I was weeding through the stuff in our linen closet/bathroom closet, I tossed some misc. empty boxes and packaging in a handy nearby box – clearly just empty shampoo bottles and whatnot, you know? They taped that box shut and put it on the truck.

  5. Jenny Grace says:

    Item. I die.

    TJ Reply:

    The lack of pluralization really kills me. Accidental? Maybe. But it seems like a very clear signal to me. Hey lady, when you’re looking for your ITEM, look here.

    Jenny Grace Reply:

    Oh it was ITEM. ITEMMMMMM

  6. cakeburnette says:

    I always packed my underwear (and later, Shelby’s, too) to self-move because I didn’t want weird AF contractor packers pawing my undergarments. I left Mark and Austin’s boxers though. And we, too, experienced the packed trash in cans.

    Our last PCS involved the diabolical packers who packed stuff just plain meanly: the coffee maker in 3 different boxes, all of the left shoes in one box and the right shoes in another box, they labeled boxes COMPLETELY wrong and packed one lampshade I a box by itself.

    TJ Reply:

    Oh, come ON. We’re having trouble locating some things, and the entirely open container of Kosher salt infuriated me, but left and right shoes in different boxes? WHO DOES THAT.

    cakeburnette Reply:

    Evil, evil people who know they get paid, even if they do a craptastic job.

  7. Saly says:

    Hand wrapped. Item.

    TJ Reply:

    Individually wrapped boxes of condoms.

  8. Lacey says:

    No. No. No freaking way. NO. And wrapped in packing paper!?! OMG. I just died for you right then.

    TJ Reply:

    You know how you kind of collect things over the years here and there, maybe as a joke or a Valentine’s Day thing, or, I don’t know, just stuff? And maybe you toss it offhandedly somewhere and forget about it? Until you move and unpack your boxes and find out it was all in the sock drawer. ALL OF IT IN THE SOCK DRAWER. ALL KINDS OF THINGS.

  9. Bethany West says:

    I don’t always laugh out loud while going through my reader, but when I do, it’s because TJ had her Item carefully and lovingly wrapped by a strange man!

    TJ Reply:

    I just unwrapped it and stared at it. Just stared at it. What do you even do.

  10. Jesabes says:

    I wonder if “items” even still register for the packers. I bet they’ve seen a lot of strange possessions.

    TJ Reply:

    I should just keep telling myself that. Right? It’s not even a thing and I also never have to see them again, even though I unknowingly sat there while they walked by me all afternoon.

  11. CraftyHope says:

    O M G!!!

    Besides all the other crap you’ve had to go through, this. . .THIS had to happen too!?

    I’m so, so sorry! My heart goes out to you so much.

  12. Carmen says:

    Hand wrapped! Well! They ARE thorough.

    Have I ever told you any in-law stories? About how one day when my MIL was here looking after my 18 month old son? He wandered into our room and opened our bedside table drawers – and my MIL went in to get him and closed the drawers. After rifling through them. (Okay, maybe not rifling, but LOOKING.)

    THEN she brought it up with me when I got home:

    Her: “Oh wow, you guys have some interesting stuff in your bedside table drawers!”
    Me: …
    Her: “Lots of things!”
    Me: *blink blink* *runs away whimpering*

  13. Lawyerish says:


    I have not stopped dying about this. Like, my face is burning red on your behalf.

    “I was promised plastic wrap” is one of the best lines ever written.

    And yet, I myself am more peeved with Phil that he let them pack your food. Carefully chosen and purchased FOOD.

  14. Brooke says:

    I somehow missed that Item had been hand-wrapped. PHILLIP GENE.

  15. Alex says:

    Probably one of the funniest stories I have ever read. You poor, poor thing!

  16. Corinne says:

    My ex-boyfriend was a mover. And they had a standing contest to see who could find the Items first. Because everyone has them, and the movers see all. It was always a high point of the day for them, when they found the Items.