Temerity Jane
31. 05. 2011

Blurphy’s Law: Just when you’re certain you have absolutely nothing to write about and will never again have an interesting thought or even a thought that isn’t somehow related to your infant’s butt, you will fall down, and then you will have something to write about.

This past weekend was Ammobowl. Ammo is Phil’s career field in the Air Force, and Ammobowl is when a bunch of people from a bunch of bases in the region get together to have a softball tournament and drink. It’s actually more of a drinking event with some softball.

Phil helped to coordinate the event this year and had no intention of playing, as he is more of a “send emails to find sponsors” kind of guy (as that can be done from a computer) than a “suit up and play a sport” kind of guy (as that has to be done outside, with physical activity and coordination). Basically, Phil is a Standard Nerd, not an Action Nerd.

However, apparently one of the tenets of Ammobowl is that everyone who wants to play gets to play, which in the case of Luke (this base), necessitated the creation of a B Team (the A Team being where all the Standard Action Guys were playing). Phil found himself drafted into the B Team, because, come on! He already put in so much effort (he got a strip club to sponsor the event AND hold a party for them all on Saturday night), he should get to play!

He chose his own jersey number.

Action Nerd

See? Action Nerd.

He left early Saturday morning to help set everything up and came back to get Penny and I for the first game. Which was spectacular. Now, the Luke A team did not win the tournament, but I hear they played quite well. I’m glad I didn’t waste my time watching them, though, because watching the B Team was HILARIOUS.

You know how in baseball movies, sometimes there is a team that is ridiculously bad and then a new player or a new coach or a middle schooler, in the case of Little Big League, comes and turns the whole team around, but before the team is turned around, there’s some montage of comical errors?

Yeah, it was that, and it was AWESOME. People were running towards the ball, only to have it drop to the ground directly between them. Tripping over the ball. I swear, someone actually watched the ball go through his legs. Throwing to the wrong base. Throwing to the RIGHT base and coming up 12 feet short. Running around with no idea where the ball actually was. Running in circles between bases (and this is where the alcohol comes in, I’m sure), trying to avoid being tagged, as if it was an actual GAME of tag.

I know Phil was concerned about his lack of baseball skill – after all, a Standard Nerd is not built into an Action Nerd in one day – but he didn’t need to worry. He subbed in at catcher for two innings, and not ONE TIME did his team even come close to throwing someone out at the plate. By the time the ball made it back from the outfield, six people had scored and had been back in their dugout for 15 minutes, and that’s not even possible in baseball. That’s how bad it was. He never had to worry about making a mistake because… ha.

Bad in a good way, though, if by “good way” we can all agree that I mean “so, so, so entertaining.”

That game was called at the 4th inning, when the score was 20-1. The Luke B Team did not win. Phil took Penny and I home and went back out to play another game. When he came back from that game, he let me know that it was also called at the 4th inning, with a score of 32-0.

I will also note that when Phil got a chance at bat, he was quickly out, but at least he didn’t strike out, which apparently is extremely ill advised at Ammobowl. Each team brought their own Decoration of Shame for anyone who struck out. Our team had a pink t-shirt that hadn’t been washed in about 4 years, stating, “I struck out at slow pitch softball.” I also saw a pink tutu, and, worst of all, a hot pink sports bra.

ANYWAY, point of the story, which I should have made way back closer to the top. You know how I said Phil came to pick up Penny and I to bring us to watch the first game? Well, I had about 30 minutes to get us both ready, which meant I had to hop in the shower lightning fast. I was actually getting things all coordinated relatively quickly and was impressed with myself, since we still have the new parent problem of it taking upwards of 30 minutes to pack a bag for Penny before we get out the door – a bag full of items she does not use, except for the one time when we didn’t have them and, well, you can imagine.

So I ran to get in the shower and I knew the second that I stepped in that something wasn’t right. Looking back, I should not have gotten in the shower at all, but I was short on time and didn’t think it through. About 2 minutes in, right when I was all soaped up in some kind of land speed shower soaping record, especially considering my extra pear parts, I slipped.

I slipped, I spun 90 degrees, and I fell. My feet went out from under me, I sat down HARD on the edge of the tub, slid off of that after leaving what I was sure was a sizable dent in my ass, and flopped face down onto the floor of the shower. I don’t know if I’ve accurately described this, but imagine some kind of elaborate ballet, except performed by an overfed fainting goat on ice, with an air of impending death.

As soon as I got out of the shower, I was on the phone to Phil.

“DID YOU PUT ON WATERPROOF SUNSCREEN STANDING IN THE BATHTUB?”

“… yes, I’m going to be outside all day, and I didn’t want to make a mess. It seemed like a good idea. Why?”

“AUUUUGHHHHHHHH.”

*****

There are these pants at Target. They’re pajama pants by Gilligan and O’Malley and I call them floppy pants. Not just any pajama pants are floppy pants, and not even just any pair of Gilligan and O’Malley pajama pants are the specific floppy pants I require. They come in full length and more of a bermuda style, and I have collected numerous pairs of them, because they are all I want to wear, ever.

Unfortunately, the dogs have this uncanny knack for targeting things that I really love. Because of that, I have lost several pairs of beloved floppy pants to the dogs, either in tug of wars with Early Sheldon (not that Current Sheldon doesn’t ruin things, but it’s been a while since he decided to try to depants me in the back yard) or in fits of pique by the oversensitive Brinkley.

I actually lost so many pairs of these pants that I stopped throwing them away. I have two pairs – a long blue pair and a short red pair – that are almost more hole than pants. They were both viciously attacked by dogs who CLEARLY want to suck every last bit of joy out of my life and now display more than a little bit of bare leg and big underpants through their shredded up fabric.

You know what, though? It’s my house and I’m sick of rebuying all these pants, and if I want to wear holey pants around the house, I WILL, so I DO and I AM.

This morning, I was just waking up enough to hand Penny off to Phil before he left for work so that I could use the bathroom and upon stepping out of bed, I stepped INTO a hole in my OWN PANTS, stepped on Brinkley while trying to regain my balance, and went sprawling across the bedroom floor, face down. Phil stood in stunned silence while the dogs ran over to administer first aid via the application of wet noses to my scalp.

A long time ago, I got out of bed and one of my legs was asleep but I didn’t know it, so I fell right on my face. From there, I proceeded to have one of the most frustrating days ever, where every little thing went wrong. That lead me to create a personal rule: if ever a day should start out with the first thing that happens being you FALLING ON YOUR FACE, just get back in bed and start over tomorrow.

And that is why I’m sitting in bed right now.

*****

As of Sunday, Penny is one month old.

This is Penny at no months old:

And this is Penny at one month old:

“Hey! I know that guy! Also, I’ve just realized I can focus my eyeballs on things! Except for cameras! I can’t focus my eyeballs on cameras. Or, maybe I can and I just won’t. You know what, that sounds like me. That’s more likely the case.”

I’m not really sure how much Penny weighs right now or how long she is, because I don’t know, it didn’t really occur to me that I would want to note those things monthly and I don’t really have a method or system for checking those stats. She did go to the doctor a couple of weeks ago and weighed 7 lbs, 2 oz. And a week before that, she had weighed 6 lbs, 8 oz and was 19.5″ long. So let’s just assume she’s slightly bigger than that now.

Penny finally has developed a skill, though I can’t say it’s one we particularly enjoy – she has learned how to crawl UP us. I don’t know how else to put that. If you are holding her and you are even slightly reclined, she will crawl up you. I don’t think she should be able to do that, and I assure you that she isn’t using this new found power for good.

Dislikes: Being cold, anything more than a split second delay between demand for food and delivery of food, sunlight, keeping her pacifier in her mouth even though she knows damn well she DOES REALLY WANT THAT PACIFIER, boobs

Likes: Acting like she’s interested in boob and then shrieking directly into it instead, being swaddled, escaping swaddles, watching television with Phil, riding in the car, collecting admirers, farting directly on Phil as soon as he opens her diaper (which I have taken to mean that she loves to make me laugh), rotating through series of increasingly hilarious expressions at top speed

If Penny could talk, I’m pretty sure this is what she’d say: “Hey, remember how you thought I would only sleep on one of you at night, and then the other night, I slept in my cosleeper all night with no problems and you thought I was over it? PSYCH. Tonight, not only do I require that you hold me all night, laying on your chest is no longer enough contact for me. I am going to crawl up your body in a way that I, by rights, SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO DO, and put my face on yours. That’s right. Face on face. That’s how we sleep now. My face on your face. Don’t try to break the face-face connection or I. WILL. SCREAM.”

“Psst. Bear. I didn’t pick out this dress. Just so you know. I just want that to be known. I did not choose this dress.”

Recent failures: We need to wash this baby more often. Seriously. I mean, I wipe her down, but I’m pretty sure we need to actually bathe her again soon. Also, I confess that I smush her hair down with a baby wipe because otherwise, I have no idea what the hell to do with it.

Recent victories: After a couple of weeks of trying to calm me down and tell me it wasn’t possible, last night, Phil finally threatened to sell Penny to the gypsies. I don’t know if that’s a victory in anyone else’s world, but you know what, I’ll take it. We have both, at one time or another, reached a point at which we wanted to give the baby to Brad Pitt’s character in Snatch. High five!

See, this is why I said not to count on monthly updates or letters to Penny or whatever. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. Maybe it gets easier when she starts doing things or whatever, but this is all I’ve got for now. She’s here, she can kind of hold her head up a little bit, she often smells pretty bad, and she’s an overall good baby who we take to stores and restaurants and wherever we go with no problems, because she kind of rules.

Except for that whole face-on-face thing. I know you’re supposed to love your kid unconditionally, flaws and all, but the face-on-face thing – I do not love that. I do not love that at all.

52 responses to “Blogger Murphy’s Law. So… Blurphy’s Law.”

  1. Kate says:

    She is insanely cute. SO FRIGGIN CUTE!

    TJ Reply:

    Thank you!

  2. Kate says:

    Also, can I just say and ignore me if you know and have tried or just don’t want to hear it or if not relevant to your situation, but just in case: nipple shields? For the baby who hates boobies, but doesn’t object to bottles? They made a big difference for us.

    TJ Reply:

    We’re going to a class tonight. Penny is perfectly capable of latching. We just need to work on consistency, because she’s stubborn.

  3. Stephanie M says:

    Oh, Kelly…

    I was so excited when I saw your blog post. Glad to see the update.

    That being said…I was laughing SO HARD. Honestly, you can’t understand how hard I was laughing at most of this. And yet, I was proud of myself, and was managing to not laugh outloud, so none of the people in my office (their backs are currently to me) knew I was laughing.

    Then the lady showed up to water/cut/do whatever to the plants, and I was totally busted.

    But it was worth it.

    TJ Reply:

    Hopefully the plant lady will keep your secret. Or, you can tell her about my blog, to further my plan of Internet domination, one plant lady at a time.

  4. Larita says:

    After a particularily bad several days, I needed a good laugh. This had me crying while giggling uncontrollably. I had to take three breaks in order to maintain my composure since I’m at work. Thanks for that! (And I mean that without an ounce of sarcasm.)

    TJ Reply:

    There’s always some small comfort in falling down, knowing that my pain might serve as amusement for others.

  5. Sky says:

    My little girl was born on the same day as Penny and absolutely does the crawl up you face-on-face thing! What’s with that? Lol! She’s like a baby seal flopping her way up us until maximum face contact us achieved!

    TJ Reply:

    Penny crunches her knees up and shoves off, usually using my c-section incision as her launch pad.

  6. My son is three, and I’m not sure, but I think he might still kind of believe me when I threaten to sell him to gypsies. The six year old, however, laughs at me when I throw that one out there.

    TJ Reply:

    I will do everything in my power to make Penny believe it is totally doable for as long as possible.

  7. Delicia says:

    I really shouldn’t read your posts while I’m on a work call, because trying to keep a straight face during is just IMPOSSIBLE!

    “since we still have the new parent problem of it taking upwards of 30 minutes to pack a bag for Penny before we get out the door”

    OMG YES! I remember starting to get ready an hour before we’d actually need to leave JUST to get that damn diaper bag ready. And we’d ALWAYS forget something.

    This is probably why even now, when we’re packing for a trip I always hugely overpack and end up not even needing half the stuff I bring, but by God I have everything with me JUST IN CASE.

    I think wanting to sell your kids the gypsies is really a normal feeling. I still feel like this lots, and my kids are older. I love them, but cripes they annoy the crap out of me sometimes.

    TJ Reply:

    I dread the first time we try to take her out of town. Might as well just pack up the entire house.

    Sky Reply:

    I’ll admit, we went away overnight when she was two weeks old. We brought her diaper bag, and a laundry basket for her to sleep in (I was too lazy to bring the pack and play) – travel light! They don’t know the difference :)

  8. Jessie says:

    The face on face thing made me laugh so, so hard. Both of my girls (Sophie currently, Gabbie when she was about Sophie’s current age) like to rub my arm while nursing or falling asleep. Sounds cute, but it is decidedly Not Cute, but rather really freaking annoying. I swear they come out with the innate knowledge of how to push your buttons.

    TJ Reply:

    As someone who is generally not a fan of being touched, I WOULD have to get one of those clingy babies.

  9. Amelia says:

    My son is TWO YEARS OLD and he STILL does the face-on-face sleeping thing. Not that we let him in our bed very often because, really, who can sleep face-on-face? Not me.

    TJ Reply:

    Oh, lawd. I can’t deal with two years of this. She’s going to have to find something else to put her face on.

  10. Alex says:

    I fell in the shower once and my roommate and boyfriend almost didn’t come to check on me because they were too into their game of Mario Kart. I ended up with a broken rib. Falls in the shower are TERRIFYING. I highly recommend those stick-on flower things.

    Get any video of Phil’s baseball game? Sounds hilarious!

    TJ Reply:

    The thought that flashed through my mind was “WHAT IF I’M STUCK HERE AND THE DOGS GET HUNGRY AND FIND A WAY TO LICK THE BABY?”

  11. Josefina says:

    Oh, she is so cute! I’m sorry that from here all her obnoxious habits are funny and adorable. If she was on my face all night, I’d probably be less delighted.

    I remember that every time I tried to leave the house with my boys, someone would start to scream for nursing. Then he’d poop. Then he’d scream for food again, since he was now re-empty. Then we were an hour late. At least.

    TJ Reply:

    With a 2 hour window of free time between feeding and pumping and all of that, we keep scrambling to get out the door as soon as I finish and end up using an hour of that precious time just to load ourselves into the car.

  12. Renee from GA says:

    Speaking of gypsies (kinda), have you seen the UK show My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding? Imagine wee Penny in a gown that weighs twice what she does.

    TJ Reply:

    I JUST saw a commercial for that today. I admit it, I’m intrigued.

  13. Auntie Laurie says:

    Simply. Hilarious.

  14. Auntie Laurie says:

    And, if you DO decide to sell Penny, let me know, and I will dig up my old Gypsy garb and show up on your doorstep, cash in hand… ;-)

  15. Erica M says:

    You write the longest posts in the history of longest blog posts, yet I read every word. Yeah, I may have to take a vodka break or three, but I never miss a beat when I return.

    Penny is looking so cute. I normally follow her on Twitter. I hadn’t realized it had been a month. Happy monthaversary!

    TJ Reply:

    I do tend to get a bit carried away on the word count. I used to feel bad about it, but now I figure everyone realizes what they’re in for by this point!

    Erica M Reply:

    I wouldn’t call it “carried away”. Maybe it’s more like squeezing out every little drop of awesome.

  16. Ammobunny says:

    Ammo Bowl FTW!!!
    I hope you recover quickly from the shower fall, bathrooms are DANGEROUS!!!
    And Penny is adorable. But you knew that. :)

    TJ Reply:

    Ammobowl was a lot of FTL for this base. But I’m pretty sure the strip club and beer made up for it.

  17. H says:

    This post was hilarious!

    Also, I am with you on the chewed up pants thing. Our dog gnaws on my underwear (if given enough time, he will eat them entirely) and I refuse to buy more. If the crotch part is still attached to something and covers what I want covered, I keep them and wear them.

    TJ Reply:

    Word. If we replaced every single thing the dogs chewed up or half-ate, we’d be broke. They tried to eat my apple slicer/corer last night. It’s still got all its slicey parts, so, y’know. Into the dishwasher and back into service.

  18. Sandra says:

    I’m so sorry you and gravity are not working so well together these days but I laughed sooo hard. Glad your okay.

    I threatened the gypsies too. I vaguely remember the face-to-face crawling part. She sounds soo sweet and is definitely adorable. I think she should have and get whatever she wants. :)

  19. Meghan says:

    If you don’t do monthly updates, at least please continue with “what Penny might say.” I find myself laughing rather hard. If only she could talk…

  20. Love the baby pics, but was in all honesty happier to catch the Standard Nerd reference. HUGE IT Crowd fans over here! ;)

  21. Nancy P says:

    Oh how I love reading your posts! haha the face on face thing!

    And the selling to gypsies? I lost count of how many times I thought about that when the boys were little, or teenagers, or.. :)

    Also, Good Lord but she is cute!

  22. Nancy P says:

    Oops! One more thing. What I wouldn’t give to have been at that game! OMG too funny!

  23. Diane says:

    Oh man, the upward scooching. Violet was a pro at that. From the time she was about a month old she was no longer content to be held in a seated or lie down position. No no NO. She figured out how to plant her feet into the squish of my belly and climb. Like that damn mountain climber from The Price is Right. The yodeling one.

    That is one seriously cute baby you’ve got there.

  24. kath says:

    My son developed the habit of KNEADING MY EARLOBE. Pacifiers? No. Security blankets, bears, rattles? No. He would knead and knead and KNEAD and even though I always jerked away hissing STOOOOP like an insane goose, it took years for him to stop. There is seriously no sensation more instantly irritating. And now he’s nine. And on Saturday, he leaned up against me and… KNEADED. MY. EARLOBE.

    Mary K Reply:

    I babysat a kid who did that. It’s the worst!! Years later, when I was pregnant with my first, I actually thought “what will I do if this baby wants to touch my ear?” I’m sorry you had to deal with that! It’s creepy.

    Also, TJ, it does get better and more fun! Little bitties are cute and all but they just are there, and can just be unhappy for no reason and you have to magically stumble upon the right combination of tricks to make things better. I’ve heard as theory that God made babies so irresistibly cute so that people would actually take care of them and not just give up. Makes sense to me

  25. I fell down laughing at your description of falling down because you stepped into a hole in your pants. I am laughing typing that out. OMG YOU ARE SO HILARIOUSLY FUNNY!

    Not that falling down is funny. Just the aftermath. I fell once, tripped on my own trousers. Yes, that’s right.

    And Penny is adorable. I have a picture of my son with a teddy when he was tiny, and another when he wasn’t. That was the only way I knew to measure him without the scales and tape, cos who does that??

    And my son, who is 17 months old? STILL SLEEPS ON MY CHEST. And snuggles up to my neck. He also headbutts me a lot.

  26. Veronica says:

    My newborn daughters skill was vomiting. She would feed and fall asleep with my nipple in her mouth, before regurgitating the entire feed down my side (and pillow and matress) before repeating the entire cycle again. It was not my favourite thing.

    Face on face sounds cute, but I don’t think I can sleep with someone’s face on my face, even if I love them.

    TJ Reply:

    Blargh! Luckily Penny isn’t TOO much of a puker… yet.

  27. Motpg says:

    Aw, sweetness! My baby girls didn’t pick out an almost identical dress when they were tiny.

    I also can tell my daughter who wants to be a Marine, and that I’m pushing toward Air Force instead, that Look! there is a softball team waiting for her ; )

    TJ Reply:

    I’m possibly biased, but the Air Force is the best choice!

  28. Evil Sheep says:

    I’m not sure if my daughters even know what a gypsy is, much less if gypsies would be interested in purchasing them. However, I have found that when the 6 year old throws a fit at Walmart and tells me she wants a new family, heading for the nearest open vehicle with the words “Let’s see if they’ll take you” is a surefire way to nip the tantrum in the bud…

  29. Ale says:

    I haven’t had the face issue but my lap has not been my own for almost 11 years. Should I sit down because perhaps I am tired, some kid automatically assumes I sat down so they would have somewhere to sit…my lap. This is usually torture to me at this point since my seven year old daughter has the boniest butt and even though she is sitting, she is constantly readjusting so that her bony butt digs into my thighs in the most painful way possible.

    We have a joke in our family that you can’t give them to the gypsies because the FBI finds out and brings em back to you anyway.

  30. Do NOT sell her to the gypsies..send her to the lady in Ohio who would love her, and spoil her and just TOTALLY ruin her for life….LOL. She is the most adorable little girl!!!

  31. Rachael says:

    My five year old still tries to do face on face sometimes when he has sneaked into my room. NOOOO.

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