As the WoW Turns

Dear Internet,

I have a theory about WoW. I think there’s a lot more going on there than we see. A lot of hidden drama, some in-fighting probably, someone slept with someone else’s wife, lots of stuff.

Now, I know that some of you are way into the lore and know the stories behind every single person in the game, but what I am suggesting here is that things go deeper than Alliance v. Horde, deeper than the Lich King v. everyone who is against the Lich King, deeper than Nessingwary and his seemingly insatiable need to make you decimate the countryside 30 animals at a time.

Couple of weeks ago, I was up in WPL leveling my hunter. I had to go kill a bunch of those Scarlet guys, so off I go to one of their little camps. I get to a camp and stand out the outskirts and take a look.

First of all, I think this was some kind of convalescent camp, or maybe they Scarlet Crusade sends all of it’s dud soldiers to one location. Because here I am, standing on the outskirts of camp, right there in the open. The toon is a night elf, so you know I’m like 85 feet tall counting in ear clearance, and I’ve also got a gigantic cat, standing next to me and stretching and otherwise being obnoxious. So I have to say these soliders were the duds, because they were all either deaf, blind, or complete and total wusses.

Soldier #1: Hey, Joe… over at the edge of camp — no, no, don’t LOOK, just look at me. Over at the edge of camp, there’s a tall purple person with ridiculous ears, a giant cat, and a crossbow.

Soldier #2: *stealthy glace* Oh god, you’re right. Think… think we should kill it?

Soldier #1: Well… there’s only 12 of us. So… I say we just keep walking back and forth repeatedly and pretend we don’t see her. Maybe she’ll just go away. Hey, what’s with the big red arrow over your head? Joe? Joe, come back! Oh, see. I told him not to look. I’ll just keep walking this path and pretend I don’t see her.

So then there’s a bloody battle right there on the edge of camp where poor Joe gets decimated quickly, and not one single other person in the camp turns their head.

Soldier #3: Um… Captain? There’s a tall purple person standing 3 feet outside of camp picking off men one at a time. Do you think we should muster up and kill her? I mean, there’s 9 of us left and only one of her…

Captain: No.

Soldier #3: But…

Captain: I said no! Maybe this will teach you guys that when someone sends you an invitation to their birthday party and you RSVP YES, you’re supposed to SHOW UP. I was eating 7 layer dip by myself with a stupid party hat on, and have you ever tried to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey by yourself? I had to spend the whole rest of my birthday weekend spackling the holes in the wall. MAYBE you should give some thought to the feelings of others if you’re expecting to get bailed out when a giant cat is eating your face.

Soldier #3: Oh… gosh, that was Saturday, wasn’t it? I… well, something came up and… I mean, my parakeet flew into a tree and I…

Captain: Save it. I think you should be more concerned about the giant red arrow over your head. *turns away*

And then you’ve got creatures like those raptors in the Wetlands, who obviously believe way too much in tough love.

Little Raptor: Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.

Mother Raptor: WHAT?

Little Raptor: Jimmy’s over there and a hunter is shooting him in the face. Let’s go!

Mother Raptor: No, honey. Leave Jimmy alone.

Little Raptor: But mom, he’s getting beat real hard.

Mother Raptor: Look, your brother needs to learn to be a man. If he needs help, he’ll call for it. Until then, we will stand here within sight, hearing and chomping range and do nothing.

Little Raptor: Umm… he just took another arrow to the face! We should go!

Mother Raptor: Do you want your brother to grow up to be a sissy! Stand here and wait until he calls for help!

Little Raptor: BUT MOOO-OOOM.

Mother Raptor: NO BUTS.

Jimmy Raptor calls for help!

Little Raptor: He called for us! Let’s go!

Mother Raptor: Not so fast.

Little Raptor: But he called for help!

Mother Raptor: Yes, but look, do you see that invisible and completely imaginary line right there? He crossed it. We can’t hear him.

Little Raptor: He’s… ten feet away. I heard him perfectly. Just a second ago.

Mother Raptor: No, he’s over the line. We didn’t hear him.

Little Raptor: But I — oh, he’s dead.

Mother Raptor: Just as well. He should know better than to cross the invisible and completely imaginary line that kept us from hearing him and rushing to his aid when he called for help mere seconds before his death. No child of mine is going to break the simple and arbitrary rules without suffering the consequences.

Little Raptor: OW! I’ve been arrowed!

Mother Raptor: Ok honey, you go on out and fight! Be back before dark and don’t cross the imaginary line!

But you know who probably has the most healthy and functional personal relationships in the game?


Murloc #1 – #374: Hey! Someone’s beating up Carl! SLAP FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

18 thoughts on “As the WoW Turns

  1. Kestrel

    Laughing my ass off. Which is not entirely a bad thing. You know, just the other day I was having a thought something along these lines as I wandered around Brunnhildar disguised as some kind of cross between Viking and Amazon. I mean, how many other members of their…tribe?…have tricycle-sized Bronze Drakes!

  2. Lagrath

    This WoW hunter post is better than BRK’s Airman Howell stories! Keep this up, and you might need to take over his blog too ;)

  3. Anea

    Murlocs = all too true. Painfully true, really.

    I’ve always wanted to know too, why you can stand in full view of an entire camp and pick things off one by one, and everyone else just goes about their business.


  4. Nellisynthia

    Observation 1:

    Fritz: Hey look, its’a Voidwalker.
    Karl: You see them every now and then, just wandering around I suppose.
    Fritz: He’s coming this way? Think he wants to be friends?
    Karl: No you idiot, he’s a demon. But a weak one. We can take him easy.


    Karl: Eeek! Where did this warlock suddenly come from! Fritz?Fritz? OH MY GOD THEY’VE KILLED FRITZ!

    Observation 2: The Gnoll’s Point of View

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    A recently WoW addicted buddy of mine brought up a similar ovservation the other day. He claimed the game is a bit unrealistic.

    I reminded him that he’s speaking to a Man-Cow that walks on it’s hind legs and talks.

    Reality is a myth.

  7. Bo

    It’s the same with Raid encounters as well.

    Minion: Umm, excuse me, sir? All the alarms are ringing and there are 25 people of various races eating there way through your legions.

    Boss: Be quiet Minion, I am sure sending waves of virtually identical minions will stop them in their tracks.

    Minion: But sir, they’re dying in droves, nothing seems to be stopping them, not even that 10-pull with the fear mechanic, they have a little wooden doll thing that seems to make them immune.

    Boss: I’m not moving.

    Minion: But they’re getting slaughtered…

    Boss: No, I intend to stay here in my room until they have killed each little batch of minions one by one until they face me purely on my own, rather than surrounded by a legion of my best troops. That way, they’ll be so tired from fighting all that trash that I am guaranteed victory. MUWAHAHAAAAAA

  8. Nellisynthia

    Actually, now that I look back, the absolute worst job in the world wasn’t being a minion guard, crusader or or raptor …

    Majordomo Executus.

    You’d think after the fourth or fifth time he’d look to one of his minions and say … forget this, YOU go tell the boss.

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