Want to have all of the fights at once?
January 6th, 2011 | by TJ |I’ve been blogging for a long time, and everyone knows that there are certain hot button issues that will ALWAYS cause some sort of response, whether you set out to write about them or just mention them in passing.
No subject is more packed full of these heated topics than parenting, and I think that most bloggers who are also parents find themselves having to defend certain choices at least once throughout their blogging career, whether someone decided to jump on one tiny detail in a post and light a fire from it, or whether they decided to “innocently” write about a hot topic even though we seriously can all see through your traffic-garnering ploys. We can. Yes, we can. Even yours.
Anyway, being the efficient type, I’ve decided that me and you, Internet, are going to have it all out at once. I will say all the things, and flying monkeys can swoop in and throw all their self-righteous tantrums about all of my things, and then that’s it. We’re done fighting over it. If, sometime in the future, someone decides to try to pick a fight with me about one of these issues, as some blog commenters are wont to do, I will direct them back to this post, no matter how deep in the archives it may be, and they can rant and rave and stomp their feet to their hearts’ content, because we are having it out right here and nowhere else.
Ready?
- I am pregnant, and because of that, I am not eating sushi or any unpasteurized soft cheeses. I also am not drinking, but I do not drink anyway. Many people want to tell me that it really is okay for me to have a little sushi, or to have just one drink. They want to assure me, over and over, that it’s totally fine, and their doctors said it was fine, and they had some sushi and a glass of wine when they were pregnant and their kid came out just fine, so I should just go ahead.
I am not going to go ahead, because aside from drugs, my doctor has asked me to avoid two things – sushi and unpasteurized soft cheese. Two things. In the history of everything, he’s banned two. As he is the one responsible for my care and well being during this pregnancy, and as I respect him as a doctor, I am following those two requests and frankly, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal.
What your doctor said has no bearing on me, nor does what you did during your pregnancy. Additionally, my refusal to eat sushi or have a glass of wine DOES NOT MEAN that I think you did pregnancy wrong and is IN NO WAY an insult to you, and STOP GETTING SO DEFENSIVE because I won’t eat sushi or drink some wine or have “just one” beer. I’m not saying that you eating sushi is going to retroactively harm your already toddler-aged child. It’s not because I think I’m a better pregnant lady than you. It’s because MY DOCTOR said NOT TO.
AND I DON’T EVEN DRINK WHEN I’M NOT LOADED UP WITH BABY.
DAMN.
- I will be having painkillers or an epidural or a dry ice IV drip or a hammer to the face if that’s what it takes, and I am not even remotely interested in discussing the benefits of a natural childbirth with you. ESPECIALLY if you’re a dude. And DOUBLE ESPECIALLY if your argument is that women gave birth for a skrillion years without painkillers. Women found shit to do for a skrillion years without the Internet, yet here you are reading it, so, ARGUMENT INVALID.
- No one but Phil gets to come in the delivery room. No one. Not my family, not his family, no one at all. Me and him, that’s it. This is not something that needs to be shared. It’s certainly not something anyone is ENTITLED to share. I don’t care that in the middle of labor “oh, you won’t even care who is there,” because I CARE RIGHT NOW. I guess I can kind of understand women who let their mothers or whoever come in, thinking that it’s an experience a grandparent might want to have, but I won’t even pretend like I’m listening to anyone who says I’m not being “fair” because I’m pretty sure “fair” doesn’t apply to my vagina.
- The same goes for breastfeeding. No one can be in the hospital room, and if we’re at home and have visitors, I’ll go in another room. “It’s natural!” holds no weight with me. So is pooping, y’all. So is pooping.
- AND ABOUT BREASTFEEDING! I do intend to do it, and should all go as we have planned*, Garlic Bread won’t take any bottles for about four weeks at least. It’s not unfair to anyone else that no one else will “get a turn” to feed the baby. You can have a turn to cook me dinner, and I will then turn around and feed that nutrition to the baby through my boobs. There. That’s your turn.
- AND ALSO ABOUT BREASTFEEDING! Once I’m comfortable with the whole thing – which can take as long as I want, not as long as anyone else thinks it should – I will do it wherever I want, if Garlic Bread is hungry and needs to eat. In public or with company, this will include covering up. Not because I’m ashamed, and not because I don’t think women should be allowed to breastfeed wherever they want, but because part of being a polite person is working to ensure the comfort of all around you. Not everyone is comfortable seeing a boob. It’s not my personal job in life, as a mother, to FORCE anyone to be comfortable with a bare boob. On top of that, I’M just not comfortable with the idea of MY boobs being shown hither and yon. My boobs are not part of your personal breastfeeding agenda.
- AND ALSO ALSO? If breastfeeding doesn’t work out, it doesn’t, and I won’t be made to feel like shit for it, because up yours.
- If Garlic Bread was a boy, we would have circumcised, and arguing with me about that one is JUST SILLY, because I’m having a girl.
- Garlic Bread will be vaccinated on a standard schedule. If I know that your kid hasn’t been vaccinated or is being vaccinated on a delayed schedule, your kid cannot play with my kid until Garlic Bread is fully vaccinated. And even then, I’d probably have to think about it.
- Garlic Bread will wear cloth diapers. If you think that’s gross, that’s totally fine by me because I didn’t ask you to change my kid’s butt anyway. If you think that our choice to use cloth diapers is somehow insulting to you since you use or used disposable, you need to first sit down and think about why you believe that my kid’s butt has anything at all to do with you, and maybe address that issue first.
So. There you go. While some of these points may come up in future posts, you won’t be able to argue with me there, because I will say, “I already TOLD you all of this and you already HAD your chance, and you didn’t speak up then, so tough titties.”
OH, and while I’m at it? Stop telling pregnant ladies about shit that can go wrong, or even slightly not-as-planned. I get that my due date is only an estimate and I might be pregnant longer. I get that my current discomfort may increase as time goes on. I get that the baby is going to come out and then I’ll have a baby. ALL PREGNANT LADIES GET THOSE THINGS. Stop telling pregnant ladies that stuff, because then we’re forced to nod politely or, if we’re super polite, make a half-hearted attempt at giving you the “Oh, no!,” or “I hope not!” reaction you’re so clearly going for.
You’re not telling us ANYTHING we don’t already know, and seriously, when you say stuff like that and go, “Sorry!” or make some kind of cute “don’t hurt me!” gesture, you’re not scaring me. You’re cheesing me off. And it’s not because I want to play ignorant and unaware of what’s to come. It’s because shut up.
By Adlib on Jan 6, 2011
Good post! I think it’s awesome you’re using cloth diapers simply because my mom used them on me. So go you! :)
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 12:13 pm
Also? Cloth diapers are adorable.
[Reply]
Imalinata Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 1:00 pm
One of our friends decided to go with cloth diapers when they had their first kid a couple years ago. After he was born, I thought they had changed their mind and went with something else when I saw what they were using.
Holy cow, have there been some MAJOR IMPROVEMENTS in cloth diapers since I last saw my mom changing my sister about 25 years ago!
Although I must admit that up until that point, the thought of using cloth diapers (which in my mind hadn’t ever evolved and included the giant baby diaper pin of doom) was kind of frightening for fear that I’d end up skewering my non-existent kid…
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 2:12 pm
Here are my newest aquisitions. They are WAY different than they used to be, and I have to admit, I don’t know if I’d be interested if it was still only folded cloth & pins.
Some people do still use those quite often, though (called “flats” or “prefolds”) and some even use pins, though there are all kinds of fun waterproof covers to go over them, and also this plastic doo dad called a “snappi” that hooks the sides and bottom of the diaper together with no pinning.
Personally, I’ll stick with velcro or snaps. I don’t want to use disposable, but I want to get as close to the convenience as possible!
[Reply]
Imalinata Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Yeah, those totally rocked my world when I saw them!
Although another friend is using (what I think is) a different kind that to my minimal understanding was the baby diaper equivalent of inserting a maxi pad into the diaper cover. I can’t fathom how a maxi pad in the baby crotch area would be sufficient for the gigantic exploding baby poops that babies can have (the stories my sister tells me are hilarious since it’s her and her hubby dealing with it and not me and mine).
And I totally agree with you on the snaps & velcro ones. I know not to ever try the flat ones with pins for fear that at 3am on one sleep-deprived morning MacGuyvering the baby diaper with duct tape would sound like an amazingly fabulous idea.
By avasmommy on Jan 6, 2011
I think my MIL still holds a grudge because she wasn’t allowed in the room while I was in labor. I wanted to tell her she could be there as long as I got to go to her next gyno appt.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 12:14 pm
I wonder what goes through the head of someone who thinks they should be entitled to see a birth happen. I mean, seriously. It’s not entertainment!
[Reply]
By Cort (Modern Super Momma) on Jan 6, 2011
You rock! I wish I had said all that stuff as a disclaimer before Babygirl was born. I think you should have this printed on pretty paper and highlighted to give emphasis to points of note and hand the paper to anyone who opens their mouth around you. :) That would be great! congratulations for being your own person – having made decisions. Screw everyone else!
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 12:15 pm
I think the most important thing is not only have we made decisions, but we’re both on board with all of them, and also both aware that things can change at any point.
But that’s the thing – WE’RE both on board. As in, me and Phil. Even relatives don’t have a “say” in how these things go, you know?
[Reply]
Cort (Modern Super Momma) Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 12:17 pm
Precisely. They all had their turn – it’s yours (Phil and you) now. The rest can suck it!
[Reply]
Christine Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 12:20 pm
Just to interject an optimistic note for what it’s worth, most of the decisions my husband and I made for our daughter (1 year old next week) we’ve stuck with. Yes, some things are different than what we expected and we were flexible when those things happened, but for the most part under most circumstances we’ve done what we set out to do. A lot of people want you to think that having a child means never getting to plan anything again, but in my experience that’s not true. A lot of things have been very predictable and I bet you’ll find that’s true too.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 2:23 pm
I think a lot of people want to insist that your experience will be exactly like their experience because they didn’t take control of the situations when they had the chance, and want to somehow assure themselves that everyone is in the same boat, with the same struggles.
Parents with multiple kids or one kid, or even one newborn will tell you, oh, you have no idea what you’re getting into, but they have no idea what I’m getting into, because they may have kids, but NO ONE IN THE WORLD has THIS kid except for me and Phil (well, me right now), so really, no one is qualified at all to tell me how my kid will be. Heh.
[Reply]
By Mama Bub on Jan 6, 2011
Love this! People just can’t help themselves. And for me, it still hasn’t stopped. When I sighed, loudly, when my three year old wasn’t listening to me, a mom walking by said, “Just wait until he’s a teenager!” Is there anyone for whom this works? If anyone out there is able to file away an emotion, knowing that it might possibly be worse 12 years from now, I would like to meet this person.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 12:22 pm
“Just wait” comments are the WORST. Because like there’s another option. Like you’re going to say, “No, I won’t wait” or say, “It won’t be like that,” giving the other person a chance to be a smug asshole about how you don’t know anything about anything.
[Reply]
Cherie Beyond Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 6:55 am
My personal pet peeve right now are the parents of teenagers who like to tell me, a parent of two kids under age three, that it doesn’t get easier. Are you still getting up four times a night and are you unable to remember the last time you slept through the night in the last four years?
THEN IT GOT EASIER.
[Reply]
By Flaime on Jan 6, 2011
Yeah TJ! Esp. re vaccinations.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 1:09 pm
Oh, thaaat one. That one isn’t even something I’m ever going to discuss with anyone ever again, because people get REALLY insulted when you tell them, “No, I will not admit that your opinion is just as right as mine. I will admit that you have the right to HAVE an opinion, but not that it’s correct. Mine is. And yours is stupid.”
[Reply]
Katy Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 2:29 pm
The vaccine issue is a hard one because people who are afraid of vaccines are SO attached to the idea that they are bad/dangerous/scary/harmful but research shows that vaccines are safe and save MANY MANY MANY lives. And the original research published on the link between vaccines and autism has been humiliated within the scientific community (forging/altering data?, taking money from people planning to sue vaccine manufacturers). So holding off on vaccines is just dangerous and dumb; that is provable.
[Reply]
By Becky on Jan 6, 2011
I love this. Can’t wait to see the comments.
We did some things like you plan to and others were different, and I like *discussing* them with people (not arguing; it’s different), but TO EACH THEIR OWN. You’ll see no arguments from me about how you choose to raise your child. And I won’t even take it as a personal offense that you made some choices differently!
Of course if I didn’t like you otherwise that might be different. I have no trouble being judgemental about how people I don’t know/don’t like raise their kids. But I try to still keep it to myself, like a good passive-agressive midwesterner. And yes, I know the paragraph above and this one combined make me a hypocrite. I don’t care.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 1:10 pm
Some of those things are things that I don’t really care one way or the other if someone chooses to do. Like the diapers. Whatever, do what works for you. So I don’t judge.
OTHER things on the list, though, I definitely think my way is right and any other way is wrong and stupid and bad and I TOTALLY judge, and if the person is a friend that I like, I just judge in my HEAD. Heh.
[Reply]
Becky Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 3:24 pm
This is true; I do sometimes judge people I like if I think they are making a dumb decision. And sometimes I think my face betrays what I’m trying to keep in my head. Oh well. If they didn’t make dumb decisions they wouldn’t have to see the expression.
[Reply]
By Christine on Jan 6, 2011
This one of my favorite posts you’ve ever written! I hope you’re proud of you’re ability to write so coherently, about interesting topics, and with such humor. Seriously, Dooce (or her likes) should be so lucky!
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 1:12 pm
Thank you!
[Reply]
By Kestrel on Jan 6, 2011
Not that I think you need any support (or validation) from me (or anyone else), but I love your forthrightness, your doctrine, and your doctor. Since I’ve never been pregnant, I won’t even go there. Ditto breastfeeding (although my wife breastfed all three of our sons). For what it’s worth, I agree with you on all particulars.
One thing I do want to commend you on is your sense of respect for others, vis a vis breastfeeding in (more or less) public. I am all for breastfeeding; I’m not at all in favor of any woman baring her boob(s) in public to feed her child. Most of us who are adults understand what’s going on beneath that blanket or whatever; most of us appreciate that you’re breastfeeding, and commend you (the nebulous “you”—not specifically you, TJ) for it (not that I would think otherwise of someone who isn’t breastfeeding, for whatever reason).
And finally, amen to cloth diapers! Sure, the diaper pail will stink (well, they did 30 years ago; who knows what advances have been made in diaper pail tech in the last three decades). But believe me when I say, no disposable diaper can contain what two or even three cloth diapers can!
TL;DR version of my comment: You go, girl!
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 1:14 pm
Dude. Cloth diapers. You have NO IDEA what they have become. Not only have there been tons of advancements in butt coverage technology, but some people are DEVOTED. I mean, there are hard to find and out of print diapers, and trades and selling and people making their own, and it’s a whole THING now.
But here’s a picture of two I just bought. No pins, washable inserts and covers, customizable absorption and size (from 8 to 35 lbs!), and STINKIN ADORABLE.
[Reply]
Cherie Beyond Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 11:04 am
RE: the covering while breastfeeding thing. Look, I understand. And I try. But as someone who has been (and is still) there, it’s not always feasible. Sometimes you don’t have anything to cover with. Sometimes it’s 90 degrees. Sometimes babies refuse to be covered and turn any effort to do so into a wrestling match, which draws more attention than not covering.
This is all just to say: not all of us who just whip it out are making a statement. Sometimes we just need to feed the kid and don’t want to turn it into a three-ring circus, you know?
[Reply]
By Toni K on Jan 6, 2011
Well said!
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 1:17 pm
Thanks!
[Reply]
By Liz on Jan 6, 2011
But what about daycare vs. nannies vs. staying at home vs working? WHAT ABOUT THAT, TJ? WHAT?
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 12:13 pm
Haaaaa. I guess I forgot that one. Personally, I’ll be staying at home, but I don’t actually have strong feelings on staying home vs working and the childcare arrangements that go along with it. I’m just staying home because… I’m already home. So… I’ll just stay here.
If I work up a good opinion on the subject, though, I’ll just find someone else’s blog and start to berate them about their perfectly valid choice, like everyone else does!
[Reply]
By Delicia on Jan 6, 2011
Awesome!! I agree 100% with everything you have said, and I’m happy you are standing firm with the choices that you and Phil have decided for your baby.
Kids are so great; they give you an excuse to play with all the toys you want to in the toy stores without getting weird looks from passerbyers, they keep you up to date with the latest cartoons and music, and you get a wealth of embarrassing stories to share and later humiliate them with.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 2:32 pm
Phil is already looking for toys. I laughingly, jokingly asked one day if he was going to buy her a pink Powerwheels jeep and he said, without smiling or blinking or flinching in any way, “Of course I am.”
[Reply]
By Home Sweet Sarah on Jan 6, 2011
DUDE. My mom and mother-in-law, the night they met almost 3 years ago “decided” they were both going to be in the delivery room when we had our first kid. I laughed at them and said whatever. Then a couple months ago, my mom asked (to make sure…TO MAKE SURE!) she and my MIL were still going to be in the room. I was like, Uhh, I have no idea what I’m going to want…Let’s play it by ear. And she got sort of offended! UGH. It’s not ABOUT YOU, lady. First grandchild or not…Mother of the woman giving birth or not…IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.
And also, I wish people would stop telling me, “But where else do you expect the baby to go?!” when I complain about gaining weigh. Hey, guess what? I’m going to be pushing this little turd out of me in less than 5 months. LET ME COMPLAIN ABOUT GAINING WEIGHT. Or, to quote you, SHUT UP.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 2:34 pm
I think that people WAY underestimate the kind of stress that comes with the weight gain, because it’s NOT JUST weight gain. I get upset about my body quite frequently, but avoid voicing it so as not to seem shallow when I should be thinking of the bigger picture, of the BAAAAYBEEEE.
But I’m putting on weight, and not just that, things are swelling and shifting and taking on a whole new shape and this is supposed to be MY BODY and a tiny person in it is making it unrecognizable and uncomfortable to me, and sometimes, maybe even a lot of times, I have a REALLY HARD TIME being okay with this.
I GET that there’s a baby coming and I should not be concerned about my body in some people’s opinions, but I’m not FURNITURE. You can’t just move me and my parts around and expect me to just go with it and let someone sit on me.
Ok, metaphor taken too far. But you know what I mean. There’s a lot tied up in the body changes and it’s NOT just SHALLOW.
[Reply]
Wulfa Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 5:11 pm
I agree … it wasn’t just the weight gain, everything that had made me me changed. My body was no longer 100% mine but had morphed and changed for this little being without asking permission. Takes some getting used to, and in fact I never did get used to it. Complained the entire 9 months.
[Reply]
By Laurin on Jan 6, 2011
Nice post, I have got to say, I didn’t even know that cloth diapers still existed! Stick to your guns TJ, because it really sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders! Garlic Bread is lucky to have you and Phil!
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 4:59 pm
Thank you! I hope Garlic Bread realizes how lucky she is. Ha.
[Reply]
By MommiePie on Jan 6, 2011
Re: BF…I was totally like you – wanting to be discreet about it and not really into the whole peep-show thing…until the lactation consultant came into the hospital room to watch. “Show me!” she said. Totally baffled and bewildered and still drugged up I flashed my boobs for all current visitors to see and then she grabbed my tit and shoved my babies face into it…all modesty kind of flew out the window at that point.
It is amazing how much assvice you receive when pregnant.
[Reply]
Flaime Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 7:01 pm
Lactation consultant???
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 5:02 pm
It sounds funny, but they’re a real thing, and if you get a good one, INCREDIBLY helpful and supportive of breastfeeding, especially for women to whom it does not come as naturally as one would hope.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 5:01 pm
Blargh. I am definitely going to try to take full advantage of a LC, but my whole sketchy “birth plan” revolves around privacy and modesty, because I am a huuuuuge prude. If a bathing suit area is on display, visitors are in the hall!
[Reply]
Bon Reply:
January 11th, 2011 at 2:00 am
I, too, am a HUGE prude. And, yet… once home with the baby and trying to figure out breastfeeding, my chesticles became nothing but a means to an end: getting the kid fed. I’d warn my friends if they wanted to visit, boobage would be involved. Because at that point, I just wanted it to work. I didn’t care who saw. That being said, it’s now months later and I’m back to being my prudish self. What, son o’ mine? Hungry? Hang on while I contort myself under this makeshift cover so that not even the dog can see.
[Reply]
By Angela on Jan 6, 2011
I love this! I am now going to be repeating “So is pooping, y’all. So is pooping.” all day long and laughing.
You have a great attitude.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 5:02 pm
I think poop is left out of the “it’s natural!” argument entirely too often.
[Reply]
By Tiffany on Jan 6, 2011
Darn. And here I was hoping to be invited to videotape the birth. In HD. And 3D. And Smell-O-Vision (Google it, it was a Real Thing!).
My mother wrapped my butt in cloth diapers and I was GRATEFUL. Mostly because she could buy me all the See-n-Says that I could break with the money she saved not buying disposables. You could buy All The Things at today’s prices for Pampers.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 5:03 pm
I am pretty sure that birth is something that should never be committed to moving pictures. With sound. OR SMELL. Oh god.
[Reply]
By kakaty on Jan 6, 2011
Good for you – you should print this up and hand it out to visitors over the next year.
The “no one else will get a turn to feed the baby” thing is just beyond me – people really say that? good lord.
Also, (and this is 100% snark-free, just I wasn’t blogging when my 1st was born so I didn’t track this and you now have a great opportunity) I think it would be cool if you came back to this post in say 3-6 months and updated. Like…how is cloth diapering now that you’re in the trenches? (disclosure: I did cloth w/my daughter)
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 5:04 pm
I think that both Phil and I are lucky to have REALLY reasonable families, but not everyone is. As I have a sick habit of reading forums dedicated to troubles with family and in laws, I am well aware that not only do people want a turn to feed the baby, but some people even DISCOURAGE a mother from breastfeeding or encourage her to wean as soon as possible so everyone will “get a turn.”
How awful, right?
[Reply]
By Margaret on Jan 6, 2011
This whole post made me love your blog even more.
AMEN to drugs during labor. I never had any intention of having a natural birth, and I didn’t care who disagreed with me.
And AMEN to not feeling bad about having to bottle feed (if it comes to it). I breastfed for three months, couldn’t do it anymore, son went to the bottle….and he’s fine.
I could go on more, but I won’t. Just…this post is awesome. And so are you.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 5:05 pm
I think it’s just terrible how many women are shamed for not breastfeeding. Like those who attempted and just couldn’t aren’t beating themselves up enough, right?
[Reply]
Margaret Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 10:23 pm
Yes, exactly! The looks and remarks I got were terrible!
[Reply]
By Jett on Jan 6, 2011
You need to print this up in packs of twenty and sell it to couples that are expecting. Garlic Bread will never want for anything, because you’d make a mint.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 12:35 pm
Well, on most of these, I don’t expect EVERYONE to agree with me, you know? Cloth isn’t for everyone, for example – a lot of daycares won’t use them, making them a ridiculous expense when you have to use disposable anyway.
However, the point that I’m making is that I’ll fight about all these just this one time, and then that’s it. We’ve decided, and even if we change our minds or plans later, this is what we’ve decided, and after the one huff-puff-hissy-fit everyone gets (thinking family, friends, etc), it’s not open for discussion anymore.
I definitely think that THAT is a message new parents can use – it’s OKAY to decide something and decide it firmly and it’s OKAY to change your mind later, IF you want to change your mind, and it’s OKAY to tell anyone who objects to your choices “tough titties,” and you really DON’T have to even consider input from any “helpful” friends or family members or blog commenters.
Even as a first time parent, you CAN make these decisions and it doesn’t matter how many kids someone else has – your choices are still valid and need to be respected.
Heh, maybe I should have just written that!
[Reply]
By Amanda on Jan 6, 2011
I want to stand up and cheer for this post. Absolutely brilliant.
[Reply]
By Beth on Jan 6, 2011
I’m totally blog-crushing on you through the internet right now.
Love this. Love love love.
Most importantly, love the theme that this is what you guys want, but you fully reserve the right to change that down the road if circumstances change.
LOVE!
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 5:06 pm
I hate when we tell people our “plans” and they laugh at us and go “oh ho ho, you’ll see.” Of course things might change because no one can see the future, but it’s SO INSULTING to be outright told that whatever we think, it’s wrong, and something else will happen. Like we’re fools for even making plans.
We know things might change and we totally reserve the right to change our mind for any reason without Smug Smuggersons making a thiiiing about it, you know?
[Reply]
By AmandaJo on Jan 6, 2011
“OH, and while I’m at it? Stop telling pregnant ladies about shit that can go wrong, or even slightly not-as-planned.”
Oh my god, WORD. People need to shut up with all of the ‘caution’ and ‘just so you know’ and ‘dont kill the messenger just because the messenger is an a-hole’ crap.
ALSO! I think pregnancy books should be required by law to put big, colorful disclaimers right before the “Your kid’s going to be born with a tail! PANIC!” BS parts of the chapters. They should say something like, “If you have no history of this-and-that, and have never been dipped in a vat of toxic sludge, MOVE ALONG! DO NOT READ THE NEXT SEVEN PAGES! Nothing to see here!” because holy crap, do people like to panic the pregnant ladies.
[Reply]
Imalinata Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 1:22 pm
The thing that pisses me off, is that they wait until you’re ALREADY PREGNANT before they start in with the really graphic horror stories. Don’t wait to tell me that stuff until it’s too late to do a damn thing about it! Tell me BEFORE I’m pregnant so I can either run screaming or ignore it and decide to have kids anyway.
Also, being at the baby showers where the graphic horror stories inevitably come up are irritating in the extreme because the person telling the story will start, notice that you the non-pregnant, no-child-yet woman is listening and then they’ll change the topic. GAH!
No, I don’t have kids. Yes, I plan to have some (probably in the next year or two). But that doesn’t mean I want to be surprised with the “Congratulations! You’ve started making your little crumb-snatcher, now let me tell you all the things that can go horribly wrong either in development or during labor without any useful facts like how likely/unlikely it is to happen.”
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 5:07 pm
It’s not even always scary stuff. It’s lame shit like “Oh, wait til the baby comes! It will cry!”
… really?
[Reply]
By Alexa on Jan 6, 2011
I’m sorry, but I can’t let this go unsaid, whether you want to hear it or not:
I think a dry ice IV is a really bad idea.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 5:07 pm
Ok, while I admit I may have gotten a BIT hyperbolic, I bet there will be times that a dry ice IV will at least SOUND REALLY GOOD, both while in labor and while raising a baby/toddler.
[Reply]
By Diane on Jan 6, 2011
My mother is still guilting me that she hasn’t been in the delivery room for any of my deliveries. And she won’t be there for this one! She came in during labor with my first, and the look on her face when I’d have a contraction was HARDER THAN THE CONTRACTION. Mother, I’m sorry, I love you, but I cannot BE STRONG FOR YOU while I’m trying to give birth.
Anyway, I totally get that one.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 5:09 pm
I am so happy that my mom is cool to hang out in the waiting room. I talked to her on the phone yesterday to say, you know, maybe you should try to convince dad to come along… we’re fine with you in the room during LABOR, but delivery not so much, and it could take a long time, and I don’t want you to be bored, and are you even okay with just sitting in the waiting room…
and she’s all, “I waited for your cousin Heather to come out, I waited for your cousin Christopher to come out, and I’m perfectly happy to sit and wait for my grandchild to come out.”
Whew.
[Reply]
By Kristy on Jan 6, 2011
I feel like you’re my future pregnant self writing my blog posts. Get outta my head! :-)
Seriously, you should send this out instead of birth announcements. Or just forgo the birth announcements, print these out beforehand with the ultrasound picture, put some pretty embellishments on it and be done with it.
These are personal favorites:
“You can have a turn to cook me dinner, and I will then turn around and feed that nutrition to the baby through my boobs. There. That’s your turn.”
“I’m pretty sure “fair” doesn’t apply to my vagina.”
I think I might relate everything in life to my vagina, just to mix it up a bit!
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 5:10 pm
I bet if you tried hard enough, you could win every household argument by somehow relating it back to “fairness” and how it applies to your vagina.
[Reply]
By JCF on Jan 6, 2011
My 2nd and 3rd kids have been born at home, and when the midwife who delivered them left after the birth (and cleaning up, etc.) she posted a sign on our door that announced the baby’s name, weight, etc. for curious neighbors to see. It also, however, included information about how important bonding is for new families, as well as for breastfeeding. It reminded people to respect this by making visits short, being quiet and calm, and asked them to do a few dishes, clean the bathroom, or throw in a load of laundry while they’re over. When my husband saw it, he started to take it down, saying “I don’t think we need this up.” And I responded, “Like hell you will! That sign is the best idea ever! It tells people not to stay forever and to do dishes! We are keeping it!” I think you should do the same with this list on your front door so people already know the answer to the assy questions they’d ask anyway when they come in.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 5:25 pm
Luckily, the two family members who will be visiting directly after the birth (mom and sister) are well aware of what “helping” means, but too many people think that coming to “help” after the birth means, “I’ll hold your baby for you so you can get some laundry done and make dinner for your guests!”
[Reply]
By Jenni on Jan 6, 2011
The only people at my boys births, aside from the midwives/assistants, were my husband and I. Birth is a very intimate act. I also recommend not telling anyone (your mom) when you got into labor, or people will call you. While you are in labor. To see if you’ve given birth. Because you might forget to tell them. Sigh. When I went into labor for Oscar, my family was suspicious becauese I had not been online (ha) all day and and they called the house (i had home births). They called SEVENTEEN TIMES. Yep, SEVENTEEN missed calls from family during my labor (we had the ringer off. you know, because a person was trying to come out of my body and I had better things to do than answer the phone.)
[Reply]
Mary K Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 7:34 pm
Yes! To this! We waited until contractions were three minutes apart to call my mom. And to balance out those “modesty goes out the window” people, I totally cared who was in the room. And my midwife had to turn my mom away four times before she finally just stayed in the living room. Even afterwards, we had trouble breastfeeding and I’d have to repeatedly ask her to leave my bedroom when we did skin to skin. If you feel strongly about it now, you probably will feel strongly about it then.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 5:28 pm
Only my mom is going to be here – everyone else lives so far away. My mom is VERY familiar with my prudishness, thank goodness, as is my sister who will be visiting a few weeks later. Everyone is aware of my rules – if a bathing suit area is uncovered, everyone out!
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 5:27 pm
I am pretty sure that aside from my mom, who will be here, everyone will be getting a “She’s here!” call instead of a “She’s on the way!” call. Heh.
[Reply]
By Melanie on Jan 6, 2011
I am 8 months pregnant with my first kid and I agree with all of these 100% – and I ESPECIALLY agree with the “butt out” mentality. Why is it that being pregnant all of a sudden gives everyone and their dog permission to RUN YOUR LIFE? The worst are my family members who have been recently pregnant – you’d think they’d understand, but no – they just want to tell you how to do it THEIR way and oh, also, you have no idea what you’re in for. So annoying!
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 5:29 pm
Phil and I both have pretty great families, but even for great families who don’t stomp all over your boundaries, people still have to SET boundaries. It can be tough to start to do that, I think, when a mom or a grandmother or a sister is so used to being able to say whatever they want, whenever they want to to you.
[Reply]
By Jennie on Jan 6, 2011
Can I borrow this and mass send it out to friends and family (ehem, MIL) in 4 years when I am loaded with a baby? That was pretty fantastic.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 3:33 pm
Well, I can’t guarantee anyone will feel the exact same way as me on any of these issues, but I definitely think the idea that “We are doing it this way, and that is that, so back off” should be passed along.
[Reply]
By cindy w on Jan 6, 2011
Funny that we agree on most every issue listed here. Especially the “I’m going to do this my way regardless of what you say so shut up” part.
That said… you know I’m generally 100% opposed to anyone giving pregnant women advice. So this is not advice, this is more of a product recommendation. During the first couple of weeks when I was trying to figure out breastfeeding, there was no way I could do it discreetly, I basically had to get topless. So I preferred to go in our bedroom, because I was more comfortable being half-naked in there. But nursing in bed is kind of hard and it hurt my back, so I ended up using one of those things – I don’t know its technical name, I’ve heard it called a “dorm pillow”? – it’s basically a giant pillow with armrests. Ugly but functional. Anyway, nursing in bed with THAT was actually very comfortable.
(Ok, quick research: it was basically this.)
Of course, I’m not saying you have to buy one or that you’re an inferior parent if you find something else that works for you. Just throwing it out there. I guess if you have a whole bunch of pillows, you could create the same effect without it. But you know, it worked for me, might help somebody else, yadda yadda.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 3:32 pm
I have a Leachco Back & Belly that they CLAIM can be flipped around to use for breastfeeding, but we shall see how it goes.
ANYWAY, that kind of illustrates one of my points, how I will definitely go in my own room and close myself off while learning the whole breastfeeding thing, because I don’t need an audience while I mush my boob around and try different pillows and do this and that and whatever to make it work for me. STOP LOOKING AT MEEEEEE!
[Reply]
a Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 7:28 pm
File under useless assvice: Wander around your house until you find the perfect spot…and then make everyone else find somewhere else to go. The only place I could comfortably nurse was the couch in our living room. I hated nursing in our bed, and nowhere else worked either. If the house was full of people, I would go somewhere else, but if it was just 1 or 2 – they had to relocate.
[Reply]
By Katy on Jan 6, 2011
Wow, this is a fabulous post. As someone who is going through all of this for the first time too I have sat and pondered the same subjects that you’re discussing here and I have talked them over with my husband and we have come to an agreement on all of these topics. Agreements that work for us. Our decisions match all of yours but 2, but frankly that’s okay and expected. Plus, if everything lined up perfectly I’d be a bit weirded out and have to kindly request you get out of my head…. or vice versa I suppose.
I think the main point here is that pregnant women are already thinking about these subject matters and the input from random person who finds out you are pregnant and wants to share their horror story wisdom with you isn’t welcome or helpful. So random advice givers: if I want to know your opinion I’ll ask, otherwise keep it as an inside thought.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 3:03 pm
Some of these topics in particular just REALLY bring out the argument in people, but the thing is, they’re topics that EVERY parents has probably thought very long and very hard about, so why do people think that running up to me (or my blog comments) to tell me how bad my choice is is actually going to DO anything?
[Reply]
By Alex on Jan 6, 2011
Super post, TJ.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 3:31 pm
Thaaaaaank you!
[Reply]
By Caitlin on Jan 6, 2011
This is a stellar post. If we ever have babies, i am sure I will feel much the same way — because I did about our wedding, too. I KNOW that weddings and babies are different, yes, yes, but they are both, apparently, life events that make people feel entitled to feel entitled. It was shocking to me. SHOCKING. All of a sudden all these people think they have a stake in our relationship and a say in what’s important to us?
Everything from how we got married to how we celebrated to what we had for dessert came under discussion. (Can best be summed up by this conversation with my MIL: “You’re not having wedding cake?” “We don’t love it. We love pie. And pie will go much better with our in-a-historic-barn, turkey dinner wedding.” *blank yet panicky stare* “….BUT NO CAKE??!!”)
It became about what everyone else wanted (or how they wanted to compete with their ex-spouses!) and about things THEY wanted to do. We tried to be accommodating, to a point. But there were some things we would not compromise on. (Um, well, actually, like most of them.) And why should we have? It’s not like they paid for it!
Ranty McRanterson. All this to say: YES. And good on ya for sticking to what’s important. Your kid is going to be jussst fine!
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 2:57 pm
I think a lot of my backbone is actually STEMMING from how our wedding went. People run over your feelings and choices and don’t even realize they’re doing it. So many little things (yes, little, but it was our WEDDING, so they MATTERED to me) didn’t go my way just because someone else or multiple someones “gently” steered things the way they wanted them to go.
But in everyone’s mind, they were just putting in their 2 cents about what was best for me, or genuinely trying to make me happy, and are just totally unconscious of how they’re exerting force on an event that really has nothing to do with them.
So many little things about my wedding didn’t go my way. I didn’t even wear my hair the way I wanted. I try to tell myself that people really MEAN WELL, but the kid is obviously more important than the wedding, and in this case, my choices WILL STAND, period.
[Reply]
Caitlin Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 3:08 pm
YES! How funny. It is actually sort of similar for us. We ended up getting pushed around and hurt by something that happened early in the planning that lead us to be like, you know what, screw you all. We will do this our way. if you want to come, great! If not, keep your opinions at home with you.
[Reply]
Katy Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 3:23 pm
I’ve found your posts about standing up to people regarding weddings and kids has given me the guts to tell people directly when they were saying something douche bag-y. Example: At a gathering of friends one friend told the couple who was expecting a child around the middle to end of December that it was going to be a real downer for the baby to have a birthday so near Christmas. Once the couple left the room to check on dinner I pointed out to him that it was a dick thing to say to someone especially since we don’t know what led up to them ending up with that due date.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 3:29 pm
Next time, call those butts out right to their faces! I think, “Wow, do you think that was an appropriate thing to say?” stabs ‘em right in the shame button.
[Reply]
Katy Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 3:37 pm
My memory is that I waited to tell him until the couple left, although I may have blurted it out on the spot… my memory is hazy. What I do remember though was when the baby was born at the beginning of November (due to medical issues affecting mom) I reminded him of his prior statement and it’s jerk-ness and how happy he should be now that there was a month+ buffer. He felt awful. I felt like I had made the world a better place (although I’m an ass in the process too I think good still won out).
By -R- on Jan 6, 2011
I am having a scheduled c-section. No one has said a single negative thing to me about this, but apparently some of my husband’s coworkers are grilling my husband about it and telling him that I don’t need a c-section. I don’t even want my husband to defend our decision because you know what, even if I am choosing a c-section just for the hell of it, that’s no one else’s business! Also, hello, I am a highly capable person who can make medical decisions without the input of my husband’s coworkers.
Anyway, I am making some of the same decisions you are and some different, but who the hell cares. Not me. Actually, I would kind of care if you decided not to vaccinate your kid, but I would just privately think you were dumb and not leave you a comment telling you so.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 2:54 pm
Seriously? Your husband’s co-workers? I can’t even… I’m just boggling.
[Reply]
By slynnro on Jan 6, 2011
Well, goody. Now I don’t have to get pregnant just so I have the right to tell people all of these things. Way to take that load off.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 2:54 pm
You’re probably going to have to get pregnant for the same reason Phil and I sometimes felt like we had to.
We’d be out in public and see some kind of example of a parenting style that we DO NOT AGREE WITH and think, we’re obligated to have one just to do it RIGHT.
[Reply]
Caitlin Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 3:02 pm
OMG! OMG! My husband and I talk about this all the time! We don’t think we want kids (Slynnro, similar to you I think) but sometimes we feel we might need to just to SPITE people and show them how it is done.
I am so glad we’re not alone.
[Reply]
By Bill on Jan 6, 2011
“It’s because shut up.”
THAT right there says it all…BEST ENDING EVER!!
I support TJ in whatever she does!! ;-)
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 8th, 2011 at 5:35 pm
I know I come off as a little rough on my blog, but I only WISH I would say something like that to people in real life. Damn my parents for raising a polite child.
[Reply]
By Ebby on Jan 6, 2011
Other than the idea of circumcising (which like you said isn’t an issue with Garlic Bread anyway), I agree with everything you said and my issue with circumcision has more to do with the doctor accidentally cutting the peen off (and then trying to convince you that if you raise him as a she it’ll totally be fine–even though it’s NEVER worked) than the circumcising itself. Uncircumcised peens look funny anyway.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 3:28 pm
Ha. Well. My genitals are no Picasso either, you know? Looks weren’t really our concern on that front (before we found out Garlic Bread was a girl, we were sure we were having a boy), but we had our reasons, and I realize it’s a hot button topic, which is why I included it here. People can have opinions about our choice all they want, but it’s not actually open for discussion, you know?
[Reply]
By Angelya on Jan 6, 2011
When my mum starts going into the “Pregnant women for hundreds of years have eaten sushi/cold meats/soft cheeses/prawns/other-food-I-have-decided-to-avoid and they were fine!”, I say “Yes, and many of those babies died.” That keeps her quiet for about… 5 minutes.
But seriously, I’ll be breastfeeding (discreetly) wherever I damn please as well. It’s not like I’ll be dancing around with my baps out going, “Whoooohooooo!”
Incidentally, 11 weeks to go. Omg I really need to start buying stuff.
[Reply]
Angelya Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 4:57 pm
Hmm, wish I could edit this comment to remove “as well” from the breastfeeding line now that I read again… I don’t have a problem with doing it in public, as long as I’m in a quiet corner and other people aren’t having a problem with me doing it.
[Reply]
By Llinkla on Jan 6, 2011
Oh TJ let Phil record the birth and share it with us wont you?! You owe it to us as readers!!
Just kidding! How bad did you want to smack someone or throw a table just then?
Your body your choices! I am so happy you made this 100% wonderful post. This stuff is exactly why we did not tell any of our friends or family about the baby till AFTER he was born. Yeah sure they missed watching me get fat. If that is what they want to see instead of a baby they can go buy some damn oreos.
You rock TJ!<3
[Reply]
By Brooke on Jan 6, 2011
Braaaavooooo, lady! I couldn’t agree more.
[Reply]
By Mel on Jan 6, 2011
From now on, for all future pregnancies, I designate you as my pregnancy spokesperson. Seriously, I love you.
Could I have your permission to print this and laminate it and give it to all of the opinion-slinging idiots who stick their nose where it so CLEARLY doesn’t belong?
[Reply]
By Wulfa on Jan 6, 2011
Amen, sister!
After a few injudicious comments and people trying to touch my stomach, I put on my “I will hit you” face for everyone, including my mother. No one was allowed to touch me and I avoided baby stories as much as possible. I was unprepared, however, for my husband’s grandmother to share her story about being horribly sick all throughout one of her pregnancies. What exactly do you say to an 80-year old woman? Since I had lost weight because I couldn’t keep anything down it was a bit demoralizing, and had I not been caught off guard I probably would’ve said some choice, colorful words. And not felt bad about them afterward.
My only piece of advice, since it’s one of the best pieces I’ve ever gotten: Trust your gut. You are the mother, and you are always right.
[Reply]
Hobbychanger Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 5:59 pm
I’m taking one of my coworker’s approach to people asking to touch her pregnant belly: “You can, only if you touch another round body part first.” It throws people off just enough that no one bothers to ever ask again.
[Reply]
By Ginger on Jan 6, 2011
My husband likes to say that one of the joys of having a kid is he’s OUR science experiment, not anyone else’s. So, yeah, I’m with you on this.
That’s not to say I don’t judge some people in some of these categories, but really, it’s not anyone’s place to argue this stuff with you.
[Reply]
By Erica on Jan 6, 2011
Great post. Every parent (every person) should make the decisions that are best for them, no questions asked. If you’re not hurting someone else, your life is your domain.
[Reply]
By Jess on Jan 6, 2011
The thing that I just cannot wrap my head around is the criticism I receive for things I’m NOT doing. I think you hit the nail on the head when you say that people take your choice not to do something that they did, whether it’s eat sushi or use disposable diapers, as a personal criticism toward them for doing that thing.
My personal weird criticism (and you may have seen me rant about this on Twitter) has been from my mother and sister, who have MOCKED ME INCESSANTLY for not putting a CRIB BUMPER in our kid’s crib. I just don’t understand why they would zero in on THAT of all things. We aren’t using a crib bumper because a) they aren’t necessary, at least not for a newborn, b) they cost money, and we don’t have much of that, and c) there is some risk to the baby associated with them, although I am quite aware that the risk is very minimal and the VAST MAJORITY of babies who slept in cribs with bumpers did not die.
But my family has somehow turned this into HAHAHA LOOK AT THE PARANOID FIRST-TIME MOM WHO THINKS HER BABY WILL DIE OF SIDS. And there has been a lot of “Well, YOU slept on your stomach with a crib bumper, and YOU turned out fine!” The lack of logic in this comment drives NUTS. I understand that most children do not die of SIDS. Even the ones who sleep on their stomachs on a pile of soft blankets while inhaling secondhand smoke. The fact that some kids who are exposed to risk factors DON’T die doesn’t mean that those risk factors don’t increase the risk that babies WILL die, though. Statistically speaking, the fact that your baby fell into the majority of kids who survived to adulthood doesn’t mean that there aren’t some other babies who died who WOULD NOT HAVE DIED if they hadn’t been exposed to certain risk factors. This is BASIC LOGIC.
So, given that, WHY would we pay money we don’t have that, in the best case, does nothing useful, and in the worst case, could cause harm? I am not judging others for using crib bumpers–they’re cute and they make you feel like your baby is cozy–but for us, there is no reason to get one for an immobile newborn.
AND YET. THE COMMENTS. The OUTRAGE that we would make this choice NOT to do something. You are SO RIGHT… I think the reason that my sister and mother cannot let go of this is because THEY both did or will use crib bumpers, and they see my choice as an attack on their choice.
SIGH. All this over CRIB BUMPERS. I don’t even want to THINK about what will happen if we ever get into discussing the TRULY loaded topics like breastfeeding. AGH.
[Reply]
Kristin Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 10:27 pm
I just became a licensed childcare provider in Colorado, and it is against the state regulations to have a crib bumper in any crib that will be used by a child during childcare hours. I don’t have any strong feelings one way or the other, but maybe you could use this in your defense. :) Silly that you have to defend in the first place.
[Reply]
By Jessica V on Jan 6, 2011
This is an awesome post – although I’m not seeing anyone actually fighting here…yet!
I often feel like pregnancy/parenting should be lumped in with politics and religion…things you don’t talk about unless you are itching for an argument.
But, next time it comes up, I’m just going to hand out this post and end with “it’s because shut up,” which someone above rightly noted is the best post ending ever!
[Reply]
By Liz B. on Jan 6, 2011
Circumcision. So here’s my story, which is not remotely a validation of ANY point of view on the subject.
So when I was pregnant with my son, I considered the arguments for and against. And I couldn’t decide how I felt. So I said to my husband, “YOU have a penis. YOU decide what we do about our son’s.” Yep, I totally passed that buck.
Well, the kid happened to show up as part of a local wave of babies. Seriously, they were hoping to send us home less than 24 hours after he was born because they were out of beds in the maternity ward. (But he was having some minor medical issues, so they let us stay the full 2 days.)
And no one ever came to ask us, explicitly, whether we wanted him to be circumcised. I don’t know if they were so exhausted that they forgot, or what, but they never brought it up, and we couldn’t make up our minds one way or the other anyway, and he still hadn’t been circumcised by the time we took him home, so… there we are.
And honestly, the only problem I have with it is that some people think that because we’re members of this very vocal minority, that means we feel strongly about it. Which… it’s hard to be all up in peoples’ faces about a decision that we made by not caring too much. Aheh.
[Reply]
By Swistle on Jan 6, 2011
For the record, I complete object to _______. (There. I have left a placeholder for my future objections, should I later decide to object to something said here.)
[Reply]
By a on Jan 6, 2011
I don’t know why people want to tell you horror stories anyway – I don’t object to plenty of information, but it needs to be useful information. The horror stories that are told are not really the truly horrible stories, and those in possession of the truly horrible stories wouldn’t want to tell you anyway. So that means that people just trying to make you scared once there’s no turning back.
Regardless, good luck…and just roll with whatever comes along.
[Reply]
By Arwen on Jan 6, 2011
The first and most important thing I’m thinking about after reading this post is how I can’t WAIT until I get to buy more bumGenius diapers, because MAN those little things are cute, and they didn’t have the snap ones when we got ours, and now they do so they’re pretty much the most perfect diaper EVER.
Secondly, reading this post makes me realize that I am really lucky that my family is respectful and my husband’s family is passive-aggressive (not that I’ve been grateful for that in the past, but it does mean we don’t have to have all these arguments outright – they make random comments which I happily ignore) because if anyone ever bugged me about not being in the delivery room or not being able to give my baby a bottle (!) (?) I think the top of my head might fly off. Ironically, I wanted my mom there during my first labor for support, and really liked having her, but after that one she said she was really too old and tired to do it, so we managed fine without her the second time.
I’m currently pregnant with twins who share a placenta, which means the pregnancy is higher-risk and needs lots of monitoring, and I’ve gotten quite a few tsk-tsks from older people who are all “back in my day, people didn’t find out they were having twins until the birth! And the babies were fine!” and I’m secretly enjoying telling them matter-of-factly that twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome, which occurs at a rate of 15% in pregnancies like mine, is fatal for both twins unless treated (including by delivery). In other words, lots more twins used to DIE. And they’re all, “huh. I didn’t know that.” and I’m all, “yes, maybe you shouldn’t have opinions on things you know nothing about!” Heh.
[Reply]
By Kristin on Jan 6, 2011
Loved this. I think I might be regretting the fact that my fifth and last child will soon (GOD WILLING!!!) be out of diapers, because I really just had NO IDEA what was going on in the world of cloth diapers. I always pictured the old fashioned system.
[Reply]
By Nan on Jan 6, 2011
I hated being told “Everything is going to change.” I always wanted to say back that “That is kinda the point. I’m not going through nine months of discomfort and weird things happening to my body just so that everything will stay the same.”
Also, we’d planned for it to be just us in the delivery room. My mom was coming out a week early to help get everything ready. Sure enough, water broke early, mom had to take a taxi to the hospital, some craziness ensued, and she ended up there until I was wheeled off for the (unplanned) c-section. It ended up being great that she was there.
The two things that surprised me most about breastfeeding: The sheer joy and excitement my boob creates in another person. Seriously, when she sees the book coming, she squeals and giggles and waves her arms all around. Nothing has ever made me feel as good about my body as that.
And I have become (much to my surprise) completely nonchalant about whipping my boob out everywhere. It just doesn’t matter, not when my baby is hungry. (And I’m someone who is uncomfortable in tank tops) I cover sometimes, mostly because she gets distracted, but I’m loving this side of myself!
[Reply]
By Natalie on Jan 7, 2011
TJ, I love this post. I don’t have any kids, but I have many friends who do. So I like to hear stories and file them away for future reference.
I have one friend who has a baby and she apparently didn’t know anyone who had kids, because every time I talk to her and make some comment about her baby, she’ll be like, “I didn’t know that 22 inches was an especially long newborn”, or “I didn’t know that some babies don’t have much hair till they’re toddlers”, or some other such thing that I thought was fairly common knowledge. It kinda makes me laugh every time.
I also totally don’t get that “nobody else gets to feed the baby” thing. 1, if they’re talking about the dad, he gets to do plenty of other things for the baby. 2, who else really wants to feed the baby? I love babies and would hold them all day long, but I’m not especially interested in feeding, burping, etc. That’s messy.
[Reply]
By Stella on Jan 7, 2011
People that say “Just wait..” drive me insane. “No, why don’t you ‘just wait’ until my clenched fist makes contact with your orbital bone and see if you still want to finish that thought.”
[Reply]
By joaaanna on Jan 7, 2011
Would you be willing to write a post about how you decided to go the cloth diaper route? I am seriously considering it and I don’t even know where to begin to look for this stuff. I mean, sure, I could Google cloth diapers (and I will), but I am interested in what you have discovered and how you made your choice. Thanks and great post! I’ll be wrapping up my first trimester in less than a week and a half and I am SO overwhelmed!
[Reply]
By Megan on Jan 7, 2011
I’m married with no kids and so people feel obligated to ask when we plan to have kids. And the answer is never and they get very offended! and start telling me about why I should have kids. And they have no interest in hearing why me and my husband have decided against children. And now I know why, after reading this, that these people just want me to have kids so they can bombard me with unwanted advice for the rest of my life!
[Reply]
By Nona on Jan 7, 2011
You will become very adept at smiling, nodding and saying, “Really”, “Interesting” and “OK.” These and other non-committal phrases work as transitions to help well-meaning idiots to move on to other topics.
Even if I didn’t agree with your choices (and I do, even though I had a baby in the 80s and remember all the things we were told to do and now none of those things are right anymore) they are still YOUR choices.
Your body, your baby, your decisions.
[Reply]
By Chibi Jeebs on Jan 7, 2011
If I didn’t love you already, I would after this post. Afreakingmen, dude.
[Reply]
By Bluetiger on Jan 8, 2011
My sister is pregnant, very much so (like a few weeks left I think) and a few days ago she wrote on her Facebook something along the lines of “I was standing in the kitchen and suddenly felt very ill, got a fever-spike and very dissy”. Do you know what the first respons she got was? “It could be pre-eclampsia” (if its the wrong word I blame wikipedia). wtf? That is not something you want to hear, especially not via FB!! Just tell her to call the doctor and see what he says and be done with it! People…
Anywho – everyone should have a row-post like your TJ :)
[Reply]
By Megan on Jan 8, 2011
Here via Ms. Sugarpanties and want to let you know that if you weren’t pregnant, I’d have your baby.
I have a huge pet peeve about people telling pregnancy horror stories to pregnant women. I never tell anyone mine unless they ask me and even then I usually say “no” at first. Why in the world would you want put this information in the brain of someone who just wants a whole, healthy baby and a smooth, short, painless delivery?! It’s just mean.
[Reply]
By jodifur on Jan 8, 2011
You, are my hero.
[Reply]
By palinode on Jan 8, 2011
What a great post. The first and only priority is to love your child and show it love throughout its life. How you do that is up to you.
And yeah, vaccines. They’re pretty much why we don’t all die in our thirties.
[Reply]
By Carrie on Jan 9, 2011
I just discovered your blog 6 minutes ago via random clicking and I just have to say I already find you totally awesome. Perhaps because I agree with most of what you are doing? But even the things I don’t agree with? None of my damn business. I have my own kids to worry about.
[Reply]
By Issa on Jan 10, 2011
I wish I could go back and read this when I’d been pregnant with my first. At that time, I don’t think I fully understood that my way was the way to go. I had it down by the second one. But yeah, not the first.
You rock.
[Reply]
By Rebecca on Jan 11, 2011
““It’s natural!” holds no weight with me. So is pooping, y’all. So is pooping” This just cracked me up. It is odd how some woman will ust pull out their breast ANYWHERE and breast feed. I had my first experience with this recently in September. I was at the park with my son and many other children and this woman thought it would be a great idea to pull out her boob and start breast feeding. I am sorry but it is uncomfortable enough to do that in front of adults but now you just showed your breast to a bunch of children. It isn’t like she was sitting back and had a cover over her, No, she was sitting by the sand box and did this without a cover. Is it just me? But My 3 year old doesn’t need to see other woman’s boobs at least not for another 15 years hehe.
On the note of breast feeding KUDOS for doing it! It is a tough job. I could only do it for 4 months because I ended up with Mastitis in my right breast. It just depleted my milk source he was not getting enough. I had to switch to formula :( Had that not happened I wonder how long I would of done it for.
Good Luck! I am very curious to know how cloth diapers work out! I never really considered them but perhaps when we have number two we may.
[Reply]
By Leigh on Jan 13, 2011
Just wanted to say that the you cook me dinner, I’ll deliver the nutrition to the baby, that’s your turn was the funniest thing I’ve heard all week. I love it! Esp. since I’m delivering that nutrition now.
[Reply]