Up to the minute breakdown by the numbers.
April 22nd, 2011 | by TJ |3: Number of ultrasounds I have had – this WEEK.
3: Also the number of NSTs I have had this week. (With another set for Sunday)
9: My collection of L&D hospital bracelets (7 standard, 2 bright orange ALLERGY bracelets)
10: Episodes of Beebleboob Galerktiker left to go before I will even consider de-Hutting this Bread, so help me.
14: Episodes of Wings I have watched during the day, since I finally caught up to where Phil left off in the Beebleboob, and we are watching one or two episodes together each night instead of my all day marathons.
22: Personal items I have stored in Garlic Bread’s co-sleeper next to my bed.
8: Unique places I have been prodded for blood in the last two weeks.
5: Number of different beds I have gotten to lay in during my 11.5 weeks of bed rest so far. This does not include ultrasound beds or NST recliners and also doesn’t account for the fact that I’ve made the rounds of L&D enough that I’ve doubled up in some of the triage rooms.
5: Days left to go until Garlic Bread achieves FULL TERM BAKED-NESS, CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT.
120+: My heart rate, on the regular these days. Ultra-uncomfortable.
6 & 7: Garlic Bread’s current estimated pounds and ounces. Oink oink, too many Twinkies! (I’m kidding, Bread. Twinkie it up. I hear the bigguns sleep better sometimes. TWINKIE TWINKIE TWINKIE.)
2 jillion: My mom’s excitement level, on a scale of one to one jillion.
4: Number of reasons I gave my mom for not flying out right now just because she’s excited and impatient.
5: Number of counter-arguments presented to aforementioned reasons.
1: Of us, hanging her head in defeat.
3: Number of roundabout ways my mother tried to get me to kind of, sort of, in a waaaaay promise not to have a baby until she can get here, even though of course no such thing can be promised.
6: Number of high fives solicited from Phil this morning. Breakdown of fives: one for both of us reaching adulthood with zero STDs, 3 for excellent blood pressure readings, 1 for Garlic Bread’s performance on her 3rd NST of the week, 1 insisted upon after the nurse left the room mentioning how impressed she was by my JUGS of shame.
2: That’s right, I said JUGSSSSSSS. They sent me home with two on Wednesday because I’m pretty sure they had heard tell of my powers.
1: Minute past 7am the nurse called Dr. Nameless this morning, at my insistence, wanting to know if I could go home before my test results came back, because come ooooooon.
1: Test I still had left to take before the phone call was even made, because come oooooooon.
170: Number of pounds of dog we have in this house.
10: Number of pounds of dog my parents are prepared to deal with. Also the age of dog they are prepared to deal with.
Jake. The only dog to ever set foot in my parents’ house.
And he’s on the CARPET. I’m barely allowed on the carpet.
And my mom snuck him some HAM.
6: Other ideas I had for items on this list that I forgot halfway through typing them out.
9: “Money” ultrasound shots we have. Honestly, if, knock on wood that you don’t, you ever end up with a pregnancy that requires weekly ultrasounds, once you have well and truly satisfied yourself of the baby’s sex, let the techs know they DO NOT NEED to give you ANY MORE PICTURES of the baby’s area. Especially not ones with arrows and “I’m still a girl!!” or “Girl parts!!” typed on them in COMIC SANS. Feet? Cute. Little hands? ADORABLE. Profile? Want to pinch the cheeks. Vagina? What the hell am I going to do with NINE PICTURES of fetal vagina? Throwing them out feels really wrong. Keeping them also feels really wrong. I’m trapped in wrong by fetal vagina.
10: Number of days of break I’m going to try to take from saying the word “vagina,” but I’m pretty pregnant right now, and we all know that the end of pregnancy is pretty much all vagina all the time, so I make no promises. Also, it starts… now. Not at the start of this list item. Or I would have already failed.
2: Number of specific days I did not want to have Garlic Bread. April 20th, because I don’t think 4:20 jokes are even REMOTELY FUNNY, especially considering the type of people most likely to make them. April 23rd, because it’s exactly 6 months to the day from our wedding day, and I know Garlic Bread is going to figure it out eventually, but we don’t need to make the counting backwards that easy on her. (I did not and will not have/be having her on either of those days. I should make a note to collect another high five from Phil.)
?: Number of episodes of Wings I plan to watch today. Not sure. A lot. However many it takes for me to get to Antonio.
By Miss Grace on Apr 22, 2011
Oh man I had two ultrasounds at all.
I threw out my baby penis ultrasound. I figured…I didn’t need to gaze lovingly at it, yknow?
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By hobbychanger on Apr 22, 2011
Yet another number—almost 5 weeks past when Dr. Stache and the rest of the experts thought you’d have Garlic Bread at! Yay for an almost full term baby!
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By Delicia on Apr 22, 2011
“4: Number of reasons I gave my mom for not flying out right now just because she’s excited and impatient.
5: Number of counter-arguments presented to aforementioned reasons.
1: Of us, hanging her head in defeat.”
That’s hilarious! I’m really happy you’ll have help there, I know for myself it was great having family and friends helping out right after the kids were born.
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By Life of a Doctor's Wife on Apr 22, 2011
“I’m trapped in wrong by fetal vagina.” I don’t even know what to do with myself I love this sentence so much. (And it feels WRONG to love it.) (And yet I do.)
Also, you are my pregnancy hero. Because these numbers are… startling.
Yay for being almost full-term!!
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By Katy on Apr 22, 2011
“5: Days left to go until Garlic Bread achieves FULL TERM BAKED-NESS, CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT.” Based on how the butt rust sounded when this started and the reaction the mustache had to the idea of a 37 week Garlic Bread being even remotely feasible this is an amazing accomplishment. Well done, TJ!
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By Nina on Apr 22, 2011
GB, Just hang in there ’til the 25th. If you pop out on the 24th, you just might get named Esther Bernice or Eh-ther Bunny for short!!! LOL
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By Therese on Apr 22, 2011
Super congrats on making it this far! I had the most boring pregnancy ever and had a surprise de-hutting at 36 weeks 5 days. Thankfully other than my and my OB’s shock that she came early, there were 0 problems. You should get some sort of super hut award for keeping GB in so long . Oh, another reason to be glad her bday was not 4-20… it’s Hitler’s! I read that in a book today and felt an extra relief for you.
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TJ Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 12:48 pm
Hitler, AND Columbine, AND I think the BP oil spill! I mean, I would have gotten over it, obviously, and it’s not a HUGE deal in the grand scheme of things, but it was nice to avoid that date.
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By Star on Apr 22, 2011
My birthday is 4-20 and its LAME! It falls on Easter a lot. It is Columbine and I am from Colorado. The 4-20 jokes, those are the worst, and they never get old..Ever. HA. So yeah not the best birthday ever but I figure its better than Christmas or 9-11…..
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By drhoctor2 on Apr 22, 2011
Yes!! Old school football touchdown dance for FULL TERM baby !!
Wiggly knees and everything.
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By Cayt on Apr 22, 2011
Oh, man, I also have about ten episodes of BSG to go and it has been that way for months because the final season is so depressing that watching it has become more of a chore than actually doing chores. My SO or I will suggest watching it, then we will both make reluctant faces, and then propose doing laundry or studying or cleaning the bathroom instead. It is just. so. bleak. The bleakness is relentless, and those unwatched episodes hang over us, making us not want to watch anything else, either.
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By Erin on Apr 22, 2011
My birthday is April 20th. My freshman year at University of Oregon in Eugene, EVERYONE celebrated my birthday. And historically, you’re right, it’s not a good day, although it’s worked out okay for me.
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By Veronica on Apr 22, 2011
I am stupidly excited that you’re almost full term and I haven’t even been reading for the entire pregnancy.
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By Kate on Apr 22, 2011
Hah! You are hilarious, especially about fetal vaginas.
I don’t, however, get the 4:20 thing. Am I missing something obvious? I may have to resort to google.
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Kate Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 6:47 pm
Google explains all (and quickly, too!).
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By Heather on Apr 22, 2011
Way to go staying hydrated. Please tell me the nurse said, “Nice jugs!”
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By Kara on Apr 24, 2011
6 pounds 7 oz is a good size baby! I delivered my 3rd at 36 w 6 d, and she was 5 lb 1 oz. Congrats on getting to basically full term!
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By pinkpinot on Apr 25, 2011
Aweeeeeeee Jake is SO cute. Small world but your sister adopted him from the shelter I volunteer at. We had a dinner last week and there was slideshow with recently adopted animals and her picture came up with Jake! Anyway he received more ‘Ohhhhs’ and ‘Aweeeees’ than any other dog. But don’t tell him that. I don’t want to cause any rifts with the other dogs in the family…
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By Rhonda on Apr 25, 2011
I just died from cute, I could not stand having a dog that cutey wutey patooty – see, mind goes to mush.
Your fetus vagina comment is absolute gold. Those pictures seem like the kind you should have to destroy so it’s like they never existed. Throwing them would make me feel like I might as well be giving them to a random person on the street.
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By Orange on Jul 21, 2011
Congrats on getting to basically full term!Based on how the butt rust sounded when this started and the reaction the mustache had to the idea of a 37 week Garlic Bread being even remotely feasible this is an amazing accomplishment.Thanks for sharing.
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