I thought we agreed as a group that you wouldn’t be having children.
January 18th, 2011 | by TJ |On the delurking day post (where I am still, very slowly and laboriously, working on answering every comment), the most common question I got was “How did you go from never wanting to have kids to being pregnant?”
ASK YOUR MOM HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Seriously, though, the question seems to mostly stem from a post I wrote entitled, “You don’t know my hypothetical future child. Should I have it?”
That was a post that generated a LOT of discussion, all of it pretty awesome, and if you’re on the fence about having kids, I suggest you read it.
It’s also a post that a lot of people have taken a lot of different meanings from. It seems like for each person, the post “says” what they kind of wanted it to/interpreted it as saying. This seems to be what lead to the question I’ve been getting – “Your post said you didn’t want kids, and now you’re pregnant. What, may I ask, the hell?”
However, the entire first half of that post was about how I did intend to have a kid. That we were going to have a kid, and that was that. Not being pregnant at the time, though, there was still a window to just call the whole thing off. The fact is, though, in that post, I said this:
For the whole first year that Phil and I were together, it was generally understood that neither of us particularly wanted to have kids. We have a lot of toys and we don’t want to share them. We like to stay up playing video games and eat whatever’s in the fridge, leaning up against the counter. We like to take middle of the night trips to the gas station for sodas the size of our heads. We don’t really like noise or hubbub much at all.
However, we’re not so arrogant as to believe we know the future, and while we didn’t think we would have kids, it was always with the understanding that we’re relatively young (28 and 33) and that could change at any moment. That doesn’t make our choice not to have children any less real. Those “Oh, you’ll change your mind” people are some of the most arrogant and obnoxious people in existence, and I will never, ever be one of those.
The thing is, though – I did change my mind. Kind of. Not totally, but also definitely at the same time. I’m not sure how to put it. I still feel the same way, but I’ll be doing it anyway. It’s an inevitability, to me.
I remember the exact minute I changed my mind, I think. Phil and I were in the car last August, driving to his Aunt Laurie’s house in California, the day before the BlizzCon we weren’t attending. We’d been engaged for about a month and a half. We had picked up our tickets (that we sold) and were back on the highway. I turned to him and I said something along the lines of, “By the way, I think I’m going to need to have one kid, so, you know, fair warning if you want to bail out of this whole thing.”
So while that post started out with me saying that I have absolutely every intention of having a kid, many people interpreted it as me saying that I didn’t want a kid, and waiting for the Internet to convince me in the comments that I should. Like I said, that post was a lot of things to a lot of different people. I don’t object to anyone taking it as an argument for having kids, or an argument against having kids, or nothing more than an interesting (or possibly boring) discussion. Take it however you want to. Point is, though, that citing that post as me saying that I didn’t intend to have children is slightly off base.
It is true, though, that when we met, neither Phil nor I wanted children at all. We both went into this relationship pretty set on not having any kids, and now we are having a kid. So even though most people trace the question back to that particular post incorrectly, it is true that we went from planning not to have children to planning to have a singular kid. So, I can still answer the question.
How did you go from not wanting to have kids to being pregnant?
ASK YOUR MOM! HAHAHAHA.
No. Ok. There have been a lot of different reactions from the Internet at large to the fact that there is a loaf of Garlic Bread in my oven. For the most part, it’s been overwhelmingly positive, of course. Not exclusively, though. I recall the exact wording used when someone told me they were “bummed.” Someone linked to the post discussed above and indicated that she felt kind of betrayed that I went ahead and got pregnant after writing that post (another example of people reading what they wanted to read). Emails cautioning me to not talk about being pregnant, because that’s boring. Threats of “never reading this blog again” if I turn into a mommy blogger, which seemed to mean, “someone who talks about her kid.”
There are a couple of points to address here, I think.
First of all, I think it was my sister who said to me that people like me drive her insane. That is, people who say they’re not going to have a kid and then go ahead and have one make her crazy, because it lends credence to those “Oh, you’ll change your mind” assholes that plague child free by choice couples.
I realize that it does, but I don’t think that it should, because “Oh, you’ll change your mind” people are total turds, and that is coming from someone who did change her mind. I don’t think the fact that I changed my mind has or should have ANY bearing on other couples who indicate that they don’t want to have children, and saying “Oh, you’ll change your mind” is one of the most irritating, aggravating things you can say to anyone, in any situation. To be told that you will feel differently when you’re older/smarter/richer/whatever-er just because SOMEONE ELSE did is just mind boggling.
I am not now, nor will I ever be a “you’ll change your mind” person, even though I did change mine, simply because I don’t think you will. I don’t think it’s particularly likely that anyone who is set on not having children will suddenly decide to have them. Sometimes it happens. That doesn’t mean it will.
And if someone does change their mind – like we did – it’s not because of the inevitability of mind changing. It’s because their life and their point of view and their specific circumstances, completely unique UNTO THEM AND THEM ALONE, are now aligned in such a way that they want to have a child. Not because everyone eventually wants to have a child. Not because meeting someone and having a child is the obligatory life path that we are all compelled to follow. Not because some ass wad informed them that they would change their mind some day.
I’m not going to tell you that you’ll change your mind, because frankly, I don’t see why you would. You should know, though, that if you do change your mind, you can flip off anyone who makes a federal case out of it.
“HAHA REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE FIVE AND HATED ONIONS? NOW YOU’RE EATING ONIONS! YOU’RE SO WISHY-WASHY! WHEN YOU SAY SOMETHING, I HOLD YOU TO IT FOR LIFE!”
Yeah, that shit is ridiculous.
Second of all, a small segment of my blog reading public seems to be outright disappointed with this turn of events, and while I’m not going to apologize for getting pregnant, I will do that passive aggressive cop out apology of saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” all the while thinking “Uh, so fuck off, then.” Sorry. I don’t know what else to tell you.
People complained and some stopped reading when I stopped writing regularly about the World of Warcraft.
People complained and some stopped reading when I got a new job that kept me pretty busy.
People complained and some stopped reading when I met Phil.
People complained and some stopped reading when I moved to Arizona to live with Phil.
People have pre-complained and pre-threatened to stop reading when I pop out this kid, if I dare to spend “too much time” talking about my kid, and will judge for themselves what “too much time” is.
Look, some of y’all are like Alkaline Trio fans when Agony and Irony came out.
“This is crap! They need to go back to their ROOTS. This is nothing like Goddamnit. They need to put out another album like Goddamnit. This sounds completely different! I refuse to acknowledge that Goddamnit was released in 1998 and these dudes have had the audacity to continue to live their lives for the last ten years. Additionally, I refuse to accept that fact that something that sounds different could possibly be evaluated on its own merits and found to be equally good.”
Look, y’all. It’s not 1998. They can’t write Goddamnit forever, a mighty fine album though it was.
I started this blog as a single 25 year old living alone in Maryland and working at an accounting firm.
I’m going to be 30 this year. I’m married. I’ve got a kid on the way. I am no longer writing “single 25 year old living alone in Maryland working at an accounting firm” albums. And I don’t really feel obligated to. The audience of this blog has turned over several times, and I imagine it will continue to turn over. I’m not trying to tell you to fuck the fuck off or anything, but I’m just saying, I don’t feel especially obligated to ensure that my blog continues to meet your needs.
SERIOUSLY HOW DID YOU GO FROM NOT WANTING KIDS TO BEING PREGNANT?
Seriously?
Science, I think.
Nothing changed with regard to my feelings towards kids in general. I am not what you’d call a fan. And Phil and I still feel the same way about noise and hubbub and spending our money on toys for ourselves and all of that.
It’s just that one day, I realized that not having a kid was not going to be an option for me.
That realization was pretty much a year to the day from when I actually ended up pregnant, and it was an extremely difficult year. I mentioned in the post linked above that the first thought on my mind every morning was “BABIES!,” as was the last thought on my mind every night. I was seriously having a bitter, angry struggle with the fact that I wasn’t pregnant, and it would be a while before I could be, and even when I was pregnant, there would still be FORTY WEEKS before I actually had a baby.
We’d pass people on the street pushing a stroller, and I’d turn to Phil and say accusingly, “Those people have a baby!” As if those people had went and got a baby specifically to spite me.
Adding to the baby rabies struggle was the fact that really, nothing had changed with regard to how I felt about children and having one of my own. For that whole year, I was frustrated and angry with myself for daring to feel what is likely a perfectly natural biological urge when my rational brain DID NOT WANT. I have nothing but the deepest and most sincere sympathy for people caught in the same trap, where one seemingly irrational part of you is betraying the rest of you, because it SUCKED a big fat one.
That’s pretty much what it came down to, though. Rational or sane or not or whatever, one day I just seriously-out-of-nowhere knew that having a kid was not something I was going to be able to not do.
I’m not going to get all weird and hippy-ish about destiny and things being meant to be, because I think that’s a bunch of bullshit. It was science. Biology. My internals said that oh yes, there WILL be a baby, and it was just not something that I was going to be able to ignore or rationalize away.
As for Phil, if he is to be COMPLETELY HONEST, it is true that he initially agreed to go ahead and have a kid because I made it clear, in the nicest way possible (you’ll have to believe me) that while I wanted to marry him and all of that, and that while I was sorry for the sudden 180, not having a kid was not going to be possible and that he was free to jump ship if that was something he couldn’t handle, with no hard feelings from me (and I was QUITE SERIOUS, because just because I went off the rails didn’t mean HE had to).
He didn’t want to jump ship. He didn’t share my Must Have Baby feelings and probably wasn’t really keen on the idea at all at first, and was maybe even hoping I was going through a phase, but he wanted to be with me, so he agreed. If staying with me meant accepting an eventual baby, then that’s what he’d do.
Don’t worry – Phil is not still “grudgingly accepting” this pregnancy. He is fully on board and fully excited and fully up to his armpits in choosing the perfect car seat and stroller, completely of his own volition. I think he’d be equally pleased to go on with life without a child, but now that one is coming, he is totally gung ho, and he was not forced at gun point to contribute DNA to this project. Just in case you’re wondering.
So. That’s it. That’s what happened. I think it’s kind of a boring answer, or maybe even a kind of cold answer, considering that there are so many people who want nothing more than to be parents and have always known that’s what they wanted. I didn’t always want kids, and I don’t really find the idea of having kids as a general concept to be particularly appealing, even as I’m slowly chugging in to my sixth month of pregnancy.
I don’t think everyone will eventually be scienced into having a kid, but I think it happens sometimes. Maybe some day I’ll invent some kind of softened version of the story to tell Garlic Bread, but I’ll probably just tell her to come ask me again once she finishes 10th grade biology.
Sorry, fetus. They can’t all be winners, you know.
By -R- on Jan 18, 2011
The 2nd paragraph of your excerpted post reads to me like you, at that time, still didn’t want to have any kids. But the 4th paragraph reads to me like you, at that time, had changed your mind and did want to have kids. So I can see why people would be confused. But even if I interpreted that post to mean you decided not to have a kid, it’s not like your post is an oath signed in blood that you are now committed to forever. You’re allowed to change your mind about something, even if you committed it in writing on the Sacred Internet. People are weird.
Anyway, I was never all on the side of I Must Have A Kid! or I Will Never Have A Kid! I think it’s interesting to read why you went from one end of the spectrum to the other.
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By MLE on Jan 18, 2011
I pretty much went through the exact same process you did. Except here it is, years later, and I’m still not pregnant. Sometimes biology fucks you in the ear.
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By Kristin H on Jan 18, 2011
I just want to say that I TOTALLY, TOTALLY share your opinion about the “Oh, you’ll change your mind” people. My mom is one of those people, and saying “You’ll see” is utter and complete crap. I have had many years to dissect what, exactly, it is that I hate about hearing that particular phrase, and for me it comes down to this: Saying something like that is a way of totally dismissing what a person is doing/feeling and AT THE SAME TIME asserting that Mr. or Ms. You’ll See believes themselves to be completely superior to you in their knowledge of who you are and how the world works.
This is total bullshit. I cannot state how strongly I feel about this. My mom STILL says shit like that to me and it still, at 39 years old, pisses me off to no end.
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By Becky on Jan 18, 2011
Skimmers. Also, I think that probably, at one point in their lives, almost everyone said they didn’t want kids. When they were a little kid, or a teenager, or a college student, or whatever. So apparently we only hold people to something they say if they say it at a certain date that is only known by the person holding them to it? Dumb.
PS. Can you imagine how boring reading blogs would be if the people writing them never changed?
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By Kelly on Jan 18, 2011
That year you spent with baby rabies? Mine lasted 5 years. What a freakin’ mess I was. One day I was, “No, no… no kids for me, thank you very much.” The next day I was “BABY! BABY! BABY!” I was pretty much convinced I’d gone insane.
Also? You write well, all of your posts are interesting, and many of your posts are humorous. The subject matter doesn’t seem to have a bearing on the quality of your writing, so unless you have a stroke (and I hope you don’t, ever) and start writing crap like Robert Heinlein did, consider yourself a permanent part of my Google Reader experience.
I’m looking forward to hearing how Garlic Bread, in her external manifestation, garners adoration from Sheldon and Brinkley. Or abject fear… I suppose that could happen, too.
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By Liz on Jan 18, 2011
So, this is the comment I left you on that post. I had to go re-read it because I almost cried writing it, and I am still kind of in the zone:
>>>
Oooooooooh, woman, speak to me. I don’t have kids (yet. maybe.), am 28, and am so, amazingly, unspeakably PISSED OFF at myself now that, despite all logical evidence and understanding I had previously, life suddenly seems completely unlivable without a baby. I’m so MAD at myself for this! My husband has a daughter – aged 13 [holy god you want to talk about hormones? egads. 13 year old girldom is effing scary.] who is wonderful and lovely and I thought, you know, hey man, love that child, I am good. I am good with this life. This is what I want. It works for us, for so many reasons.
And the my friend announced she was pregnant. And I held her baby on my lap, and I couldn’t even talk to her. I couldn’t be happy. I was so.. I was just so sad. There’s no good reason! My life is AWESOME! It would change in so many unawesome ways! What the hell am I thinking! But ohmygod I want my baby. I want it. I want I want I want I want.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so betrayed by my mind and body. I’m living the life we chose, and without my consent, that life is no longer what I want. How totally fucking annoying is THAT?
<<
I've always remembered leaving that comment, because it was the first time I'd ever really allowed myself to be angry at, um, myself, for this. But I'm kind of past that now and into: I can't wait to see this go down. I hope I don't fuck it up.
And, like you, while my husband could kind of take or leave the having a kid portion of this show, it's been amazingly calming to be with someone who I know will be excited and on board with me, even if my hormones have greatly changed my base wants and needs
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By Erin on Jan 18, 2011
As a mother of two I loved this post. The way everyone gets to their decision to either become or NOT become parents is up to them. You are fully allowed to change your mind whenever you want, you are a full grown adult.
I have a friend who for as long as I have known her went on and on about wanting to have a baby. We graduated high school and I was certain she’d go and get herself pregnant just to have a baby. But she went to college, got a great job and now… doesn’t want to have kids. She loves her life and all that she can do, she loves seeing my kids and the kids of her other friends. But she doesn’t want any… will she change her mind later, maybe. But that’s her decision.
And as far as not reading your blog because you change the content… it’s called evolution, change, growth. I used to hate certain foods, music, clothes, etc and now love them AND vice versa. It happens, life moves on. If we all stayed the same and refused to grow and change, man that would sure be boring.
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By Mandapanda78 on Jan 18, 2011
I still don’t like (most) other people’s children and I still can’t believe we’re considering giving up so much of what we love about our lives for a kid. Nonetheless, I still got irrationally upset this month when I got a little “Not Pregnant” sign. I barely made it past the baby department in Target last night without bawling. Trying to apply logic to the baby rabies is pretty futile.
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By Ruune on Jan 18, 2011
Heh – “forced at gunpoint to contribute DNA” totally conjured a freakish mental image – including classic Phil thumbs and grin.
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By Alex on Jan 18, 2011
Amazing post, TJ! I was wondering what lead to your decision to have kids now (having never assumed you were in a NO KIDS state of mind) but of course! Baby rabies! So simple yet I totally get it. I think I have some pre-rabies symptoms and I do not look forward to the foaming at the mouth that’s sure to ensue in the upcoming months/years.
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By Alorina on Jan 18, 2011
Pretty sure you have the right to change your mind as often as you like. However, it’s a little late to change it again now…
I’ve changed my mind on the baby subject quite a few times over the course of my childhood/teen-years/young-adulthood. I’m now sitting firmly on the fence. I’ve only been married for a few months and I’m in my early 30′s so I still have time to change my mind again.
On the topic of what you write about… it’s your blog. Write about whatever the hell you want. Some people may stop reading but some new people may start. I started reading your blog because BRK mentioned you a lot and sometimes you wrote about WoW. I kept reading because you’re funny and I enjoy your spunk and attitude. Generally you write about topics that I find interesting. Sometimes you write about a topic that I normally wouldn’t have found interesting but your style makes it enjoyable.
I started reading BRK because he was the #1 expert on BM hunters. He quit WoW and started blogging about his kid and his dog and his car and his adventures in cooking. I think I enjoy his blog more now than before.
There’s other bloggers that have changed their focus/aim/content/whatever. Some I still read… some I don’t. But I certainly don’t hold it agains them. That’s just silly. Pretty sure all those blogs out there (this one included) aren’t written solely for the purpose of my amusement.
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By Becky on Jan 18, 2011
What I still don’t get is why you even “have” to answer the question in the first place.
If I’m reading your blog, it’s because I have an interest in you. (I mean, not THAT kind of interest. But you know what I mean.) Being a parent, not being a parent – none of that changes the fact that you have something interesting to say.
People can be such twats.
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Flame Reply:
January 18th, 2011 at 4:07 pm
Agreed.
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By Katy on Jan 18, 2011
I hope you keep blogging about whatever it is that you will write the best about. I started reading your blog for it’s WoW content, but obviously have continued to follow even as the primary subjects have changed. Life happens and we change; that’s a good thing!
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By Brie @ Brie Fit on Jan 18, 2011
Oh, I’m in the spite stage right now. It is a really, really awful place to be, especially because we’d look like irresponsible a-holes if I got knocked up right now. Being stuck in limbo blows, big time.
Despite my totally irrational anger towards the pregnant these days, I’m not going anywhere, largely because you acknowledge that hey, you’ve been there and it’s normal. I get seriously irritated with other blogs that just portray the decision to get pregnant as, “I have always been destined to be a mom! So…now I am! Poof!” It’s not that easy, at least for me, anyway, and I like following the whole mindset change.
So…thanks for that. Seriously, I appreciate this post, a lot.
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By Fyurae on Jan 18, 2011
I was someone who was bummed you were pregnant. But not because I thought your blog would get boring. Not even for the reasons I thought were the reasons at the time. (Partly its just because I hate change.)
Looking back, I realized the reason was that I don’t want to have kids, and I felt like I was losing you as a role model of no-kid-having. Whether or not it is actually so, the image you project is someone who doesn’t adhere to the traditional (maybe stereotypical) idea of what it is to be a successful woman, and is happy with the results.
I feel like I have little to no direction in my life. I don’t have relationships, a career, or even a passion to speak of. I feel somewhat undefined. I also feel like women are SUPPOSED to want to get married and have kids. Rationally I know that everyone is different, but I still feel kind of pressured. Especially since I can’t point to a career or passion and say, “This is more important to me right now.”
I realize that I only see a selective window of your reality, but that lends to my illusion in this case. We mostly see “trivial points of interest” in TJ and Phil’s life, not “hopes and dreams and life goals.”
I guess it comes down to the fact that your life goes on, and I feel less secure about my bewilderment in the face of a healthy dose of reality.
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Kristy Reply:
January 24th, 2011 at 2:54 pm
I agree with this. I was not super bummed in a “I’m going to stop reading way” but I always jump for joy when I find similar people who share the same concepts that I do, particularly in this unwed-no child category (and when I say similar people, I mean normal every day people not those fighting it as a “cause” that I could find if I just went to an unwed-childless website). So it’s a bit like, aww, there goes another when someone who I swore wouldn’t get married or maybe someone else who said they didn’t want to have kids flips the switch.
But again, I would be one of those people if I suddenly changed my mind too and I’d be pissed if someone pointed out that they told me so or that it happens to everyone.
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By Swistle on Jan 18, 2011
I think it’s Normal Human Being to change one’s mind, even all the time, as normal human development occurs. SOOOOO many 11-year-olds have said they would NEVER want to kiss a BOY, ICK, etc. What surprises me is how once people have noticed a major mind change (as in, passionate declaration followed by total about-face), they aren’t self-consciously modifying every single declaration after that. Like, someone who tells an amusing anecdote about how they said before they had kids that they would NEVER allow THEIR toddler to act like that, but NOW they KNOW, tee hee! And then mere milliseconds later they’re talking about how they’d never allow a teenager to behave. Why don’t people LEARN from these changes of heart, so that their future declarations are more MODERATE? Something more like “Well, I THINK when this happens, I’ll want to do this…but I guess I’ll have to see when I get there.”
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By Swistle on Jan 18, 2011
Oh, good, while I was making dinner I thought of an example. And it involves cheesing my brother, which is even better. Okay, so he said he was NEVER getting married. Never. Then he met a particular girl. So now he was getting married, but he was NEVER having children. Never. Then he decided he would have a child after all. And now he’s saying he will DEFINITELY have only two children and that’s IT. And it’s not AT ALL that I think smugly, “Dude, you will change your mind,” not AT ALL. It’s that I think, “Dude, why are you still making confident predictions, when you’ve been proven wrong SO MANY TIMES? Why not at least QUALIFY those predictions, so you don’t have to feel so foolish when ONCE AGAIN it turns out that like EVERYONE ELSE you don’t know the future??”
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By GHOSTKID on Jan 18, 2011
I’m a man of few words.
Bravo!
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By Arwen on Jan 18, 2011
Can I just say that my number-one favorite part of this post was the part where you did pregnancy math CORRECTLY? Because you are due in May, right? Which means you have around (depending on the date) four months to go, which means you’re around five months pregnant, which means you are entering your sixth month. Awesome! I totally fist-pumped when I read that. I do not scorn people who dislike pregnancy math or do it incorrectly (except the ten-months people, GAG) because, hey, not everyone is good at math. I get that. But it always makes me weirdly happy when people do get it right. Hooray!
As someone who has always wanted a bunch of kids (seriously, when I was a teenager I wanted at least six) I find your experience fascinating. Rationally not wanting children, but instinctively being desperate to have one? SO interesting. I can totally see how it would happen.
(Since I am now a very happy mother of nearly four children, of course I’m rooting for you to love parenthood. But who knows? Maybe you won’t. I hope you’ll find it worth it, though. IMO it definitely is worth it.)
I am not one of those people who goes around saying “you’ll change your mind” but I have to admit that sometimes I *think* it. Secretly. Because Swistle is right – there are some people (and they’re usually young) who are JUST SO SURE, and it’s annoying. I used to work with a 21yo girl who’d never had an even remotely successful romantic relationship and she was positive she never wanted to have children, because she didn’t want to “ruin” her body. (She also told me, when I admitted we were trying to get pregnant, not to do it! Because I had a nice figure and it would be ruined! OFFENSIVE.) Anyway, I did NOT say anything condescending to her, but it occurred to me that there could eventually be a time in her life when the shape of her body might not be her first priority, you know? And for her sake I hoped that there would.
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By Flame on Jan 18, 2011
“I am not now, nor will I ever be a “you’ll change your mind” person, even though I did change mine, simply because I don’t think you will. I don’t think it’s particularly likely that anyone who is set on not having children will suddenly decide to have them. Sometimes it happens. That doesn’t mean it will.”
From a Childfree person (who is not changing her mind) – THANK YOU! I appreciate people like you who don’t say that. I honestly can’t imagine why anyone wants a child, but then I realize that there are people out there that can’t understand why I would ever want a dog. To each his own. As long as you are realize it’s what you want and can take care of it properly, I don’t care if you’re kid is bipedal or quadrupedal.
I can honestly say that I was disappointed when I first read about your pregnancy, but I have felt that way about anyone I know that has gotten pregnant. I don’t like change and I don’t like babies/toddlers and (at least for the people I know in real life) didn’t want infants thrust in my face to hold – babies creep me out and holding them makes me incredibly uncomfortable.
I was saddened to see a lot of my friends lose themselves when they had kids (stop participating in things they used to do, refuse to ever go out, not have anything interesting to talk about outside their kids, etc), but I also have friends that still are active, still want to hang out, and are still awesome people in edition to being parents… that’s how I see you.
I have been working on myself to get over feeling sorry for myself and what I see as another loss of a CF friend and try to be happy for parents-to-be that I know. That’s my hang up and I’m working on it. I think if I was a CF person that liked being around kids it would be easier.
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By Shy on Jan 18, 2011
I’ve been reading since your BRK pre-assistant days. At that time, what 4-ish years ago, I read because of WOW. Then I got educated, honestly anyone who follows this blog for more than 5 minutes, knows that you’re funny, sarcastic, witty and above all strong-willed. It’s why we’re here and for anyone to expect you to cave on your opinion/life simply because they dont’ like it, is stupid. You are enjoying your life, as it should be. Anyone who says otherwise can go take a BRK style jumpshot off the nearest cliff.
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By Life of a Doctor's Wife on Jan 19, 2011
This part: “Adding to the baby rabies struggle was the fact that really, nothing had changed with regard to how I felt about children and having one of my own. For that whole year, I was frustrated and angry with myself for daring to feel what is likely a perfectly natural biological urge when my rational brain DID NOT WANT.”
That is how I feel right now. I swing wildly back and forth from BABIES! to nope, never having kids. It’s awful. I’m afraid of getting pregnant during a BABIES! time and then getting stuck in the nope, never having kids mind frame forever when there is a baby on the way.
Yuck. I am not a fan of this biology thing.
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By slynnro on Jan 19, 2011
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for so perfectly articulating the plight of the Pretty Sure I Don’t Children-ess. People seem to think its some sort of easy way out. I hate those people.
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By slynnro on Jan 19, 2011
*Pretty sure I don’t WANT children-ess
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By Liz on Jan 19, 2011
I once said that I would never wear mascara or drink coffee – but look at me now. Multiple coats of thick mascara on these lashes, and some coffee to rev me up in the morning! I also declared, around the age of 18 that I would never have kids. I’m 26 now, and although I don’t have the rabies, every now and then I feel a slight tick.
It’s your prerogative & your life, ’nuff said.
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By James on Jan 19, 2011
My wife and I went a fairly similar path. She was adamantly against having kids. I’ve always liked kids (well.. other people’s kids), but liked my life the way it was. But the thought kept niggling at us, and we were getting older. My wife was still in the pre-geriatric pregnancy age group, but approaching it swiftly. So we decided to give it a shot and see what happened. Not in the “meant to be” sense, but in the “darwinian you two can have kids” sense. No heroic measures, fertility treatments, and doing absolutely nothing in a cup, my aim isn’t that good. So we decided to see what happened in January 2008, and she was pregnant after her next ovulation.
I’m a dog person. We had two dogs until last summer, and now just one. (due to age) I’ve always had dogs in the house. When I was 2-3 years old, we lived in a small cabin by a lake, and my only playmates were dogs… I’d eat from their dog bowls (until mom found out). And as much as I love my dogs, even the remaining one lying next me on the bed gassing me, I love my daughter with everything in me. I know part of it is biological, hormones, recognition, etc., but don’t care, it’s truly a wonderful feeling.
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By Kerri Anne on Jan 19, 2011
The title of this post is sort of my favorite.
Also, I’m pretty sure I read somewhere once that the answer to how you go from not wanting kids to being pregnant involves unicorns.
Also, this post is super awesome. Thanks for writing it.
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By Frank on Jan 20, 2011
As the new father of a 1 month old (tomorrow) baby boy, congratulations TJ.
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By Vronak on Jan 20, 2011
Not a boring answer at all. Actually I found it fascinating enough to even post (which I never do). Thank you as always for your complete honestly!
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By cakeburnette on Jan 20, 2011
I have to say that pretty much everything you wrote could’ve come straight out of my mouth. Except it wouldn’t have been so eloquent.
I thought you might be interested to know that some people who don’t want kids/don’t really like kids all that much become parents and really love their kid(s)…and yet STILL don’t really like kids. I knew what you meant in this post because of the looks I ALWAYS get when I declare that I don’t really care for kids so much. I used to work in the office of an elementary school and would actively hide from the littlest ones. They always want to touch you and they are usually unclean. Apparently this is not a popular opinion amongst elementary school workers.
Anyway, I did NOT enjoy the small years, even though I loved my children with every fiber of my being. I told someone the other day that 90% of parenthood involves worry about/irritation with your kids but that the 10% that they were beautiful and sleeping takes your breath away and makes the 90% bearable. And now that we have middle schoolers, we are happy as clams. Even with teen angst & hormonal drama, they are so much fun! And not so needy, which is fun too! (oops, now people will be frowning at me again.)
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By Kimberly on Jan 21, 2011
As a 38 year old woman without kids (alas, circumstances, cue violin) I’ve lost so many real life friends and quite a few blogs I really enjoyed to parenthood that I’m conditioned to translate “I’m pregnant!” into the beginning of a very long goodbye.
I suspect some of the people who actually expressed disappointment out loud (which is pretty douchey of them, because it’s YOUR BLOG!) may feel the same way.
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By Meredith on Jan 21, 2011
I’m in the spot where you were before getting engaged. I’ve been dating the greatest guy for years who doesn’t want to have kids. But, because he loves me, will have a kid. And I don’t want kids… but maybe I will?
It’s just really refreshing to hear that I’m not the only one out there who struggles with this idea.
Thanks for the honesty.
And thanks to SlynnRo for sending me this way.
Meredith
http://www.goodbyedallashelloworld.blogspot.com
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By Kristy on Jan 24, 2011
I’m late commenting because I saved this is my feed reader and never got back to it … BUT, one of the biggest things I wanted to point out is this.
My boyfriend and I have been together 11 years. He is adamantly against marriage, doesn’t believe in it, and I am of the, I’d rather be not married to him than anyone else. We also, both, are pretty much still on the “we don’t want kids side of the fence”.
And everyone, especially our respective in-laws, hates that and can’t understand it. And I get these comments from my side about how ‘Oh, you wanted to get married when you were young and you used to dress your Barbies up and play house’ and the BIGGEST retort I want to give them is this: ‘When I was young, I also only would eat chicken nuggets or when I was a teenager, I dyed my hair bleach blonde, wore mens jeans and FILA shirts but I am not doing any of those now either’.
It bothers me the most that this idea of what I wanted when I was a child/teenager is what I should still be holding onto now, particularly when it comes to such adult decisions as marriage. I am not adamantly against marriage but if it’s a compromise I have to make to be with the person I love then I am ok with that. And when I was a child, I had not even a concept of how adult relationships work and grow and compromise and such.
I was happy to read this post because I could identify with it and once again didn’t feel like maybe I was making a decision for not wanting all of these things that I’m supposed to want just because as a little girl, that’s what I saw or learned or even now as a woman that’s kind of what’s expected of me. And I’m even happier that it shows the other side where you CAN change your mind because you know, that’s what living breathing thinking human beings do.
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Kristy Reply:
January 24th, 2011 at 2:52 pm
I meant this to say “maybe I was making a BAD decision for not wanting all of these things!”
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