You could have read Cosmo yourself in the time it took me to do this. You’re WELCOME.

November 29th, 2011 | by TJ |

Ok, the time for false promises is through. I have an hour until nap time, a baby in a jumper, and a fresh Cosmo that no one has the time or inclination to read. So, with all of these ingredients, I attempt to bring to you once again Cosmopolitan Magazine: The TJ Notes.

Oh, I know, you thought it was never coming ever again. That I had given up on helping you out in this way. But did you ever think that maybe I was giving you a chance to decide if you’d really like to read an entire Cos– HAHAHA, I kid.

Anyway, usual stuff – Cosmo has this page inside of it, near the front, that lays out all the important points of the magazine for you so that you don’t actually have to read it. I take it one step further for you, providing TJ Notes, so that you don’t even have to buy it.

Adele is on the cover this month, with the tag line, “Why She’ll Never Regret Falling for Mr. Wrong.” I’m sure Cosmo will drag that whole thing out to a couple of pages, but I’m pretty sure she has no regrets because now she’s rich and famous and he’s not, which erases regrets in two ways: One, with money, which can erase many, many things. And two, with a whole bunch of IN YOUR FACENESS to the ex, which, come on, makes up for any hassle and pain. You broke up with her, now she’s loaded. I can understand why she’d have no regrets. She’s basically the winner. No one regrets winning.

As always, 34 pages and one Barrymore into the magazine, you will find the “Ask Cosmo” section. I think I’ve been doing this long enough to know that one, Cosmo is almost always wrong and two, my answers are way better, so here we go.

Q: I’m freaked out by all the stories about stars’ phones being hacked and their naked pics being leaked all over the Internet. Is there a way to keep my secret stuff safe?

A: Two part answer, lady. Part one: are you a star? No? Then no one actually gives a shit about your nudie goods. Part two: Are you an idiot? I can only assume so, if you’ve got naked pictures of yourself on your phone. As a non-star, your pictures are safe. As an idiot, someone is surely going to find them anyway. There’s basically no hope for you.

What’s sexy right now: Showing off a lacy bra. Oh, you mean, to your husband? No? You mean… just, out there? Like your shirt is cut too low and there’s your bra? For everyone to see? Cosmo, I overrule you. Revealing something that is usually covered for everyone to see is not sexy. Hinting at something is sexy. Or revealing something to a specific person, that is sexy. Putting your grunties out there for the world to look at is not sexy.

Also, I don’t see how going to DJ school is sexy. It’s like Cosmo didn’t even get the highlighted and annotated dictionary I mailed. I don’t see how Cosmo has time to write a whole magazine if they don’t have time to even open their mail.

So I’m reading the Adele article and guess what? She doesn’t regret Mr. Wrong because now she’s rich and famous. BAM. Nailed it.

(This is how far I got before nap time. It’s now 3 hours later. “Why didn’t you write during Penny’s nap?,” you ask, as if you know everything, ever. Well, I didn’t say WHOSE NAP TIME it was, now did I, smart butt?)

This month’s The Naughtiest Thing I’ve Ever Done was supposedly written by a supposed woman who supposedly slept with her supposed professor. All those “supposedlies” should translate to, “Wow, this sounds completely made up.” Next month: The Naughtiest Thing I’ve Ever Done: Completely made up a story about sleeping with my professor so I could gain some kind of anonymous non-fame in a magazine widely regarded as a joke by anyone above the age where they might have found sleeping with a professor to be a fantasy of some sort. Not that ladies don’t sleep with professors. I just don’t think that this lady did. Because it sounds made up. Like some of the blogs I read. (The Internet isn’t that stupid.)

It seems that once again Cosmo is running the 101 Things About Men feature, and I maintain that there simply are not 101 things about men to know, but I do have to hand it to Cosmo this month. Right at the front of the feature are three pictures of men – Jude Law, Marc Anthony, and Anthony Kiedis – demonstrating the recent apparent “trend” of creepy porn-esque mustaches. And it’s true, Jude Law and Anthony Kiedis look disgusting and creepy. But Marc Anthony looks how he always looks. 

I see what you did there, Cosmo, and I liked it.

Apparently, a lie 50% of men tell is about how many people they’ve slept with. Apparently, 50% of men date women who are insecure and intrusive, but probably some of them mask it behind the “we have no secrets” front as an excuse to demand unnecessary details. Just because you have no secrets doesn’t mean you tell each other everything. Phil and I don’t keep secrets from each other, but he doesn’t know how old I was when I started my period.

His Top 5 Sex Dreams, Number 3: He’s getting it on with a vampire.

Cosmo, have you met men? I’m just curious.

Stud Meter! The top of the stud charts this month is Colton Haynes, whoever the shit that is. Apparently he’s the star of Teen Wolf? And there’s nudity? In Teen Wolf? Look, if it’s got nudity and no van surfing, Teen Wolf it is not.

At the bottom of the stud meter is Matthew Fox, because apparently he got drunk and punched a woman in the crotch. Hey, look, if you flip the Stud Meter upside down, you have the Hilarious Meter!

This month’s Fun, Fearless Fashion is all centered around the color red. Wearing red during the holiday season – how novel, fun, and fearless.

YOUR HIDDEN WINTER SKIN RISK! ATTENTION! ATTENTION! DO I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION? The sun still comes out in the winter! It’s still the sun! It still has rays! There’s no magical winter light-ball that’s letting you see your way to work, home, and skanking around. That’s the SUN! IT’S STILL THE SUN! The cancer sun. YES! THAT SUN! STILL THERE!

Q: How can I rock the pink eyeshadow trend without looking like I am hungover or have a cold?

A: First, have green eyes. Second, I don’t care. Third, ladies, look, we need to talk. Stop saying “rock” in this sense. You are not “rocking” those jeans. You are wearing them. You are not “rocking” pink eyeshadow. You’re wearing it. Besides, your eyes aren’t green. You look hungover. No, but seriously. Stop saying “rock” when you mean “wear.” You sound ridiculous. You’re probably the same person who talks about grabbing a “tee.” YOU ARE NOT ROCKING THAT TEE. I am going to rock you. With a rock. That’s how you do it.

Next, we come to one of the cover features, titled 100 Best Sex Tips of the Year. Of the year people. These are 100 sex tips from just this year, confirming my belief that if you neglect your sex life for too long, they up and change it on you.

Let’s see if we can find some groundbreaking sexual discoveries for 2011.

7. Slip on cashmere gloves, and slowly stroke his member.

Don’t do this. Times are hard, you guys, and even if they weren’t, we don’t use cashmere on penises. We also don’t call penises “members.”

11. Spike a pasta dish with saffron. A 2011 study proved the garnish is an aphrodisiac.

Oh, yeah, let’s just bust out all the cashmere and saffron. Let’s gold-plate my vagina while we’re at it, huh? Also, WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX AFTER A BIG PLATE OF PASTA? I want to lay around and moan. Alone. In elastic pants.

All of the rest of this is definitely 2010 stuff. NICE TRY, COSMO.

The Fierce Sex Every Couple Should Try: It sounds insane, but werewolf action, inspired by WILFs (that’s werewolf I’d like to, well, you know) on –

COSMO YOU ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW, RIGHT? Did Cosmo seriously just coin to term WILF? WILF. WIIIIIIILF. Say it with me. WILF. WILF. If I pointed out a WEREWOLF to you and called him a WILF, could you ever be my friend again? No. No, in fact, you’d be obligated to slap me across the face and punch me in the crotch, Matthew Fox-style.

Goddamnit, Cosmo, I wish you had a crotch right now.

Sex Q+A - Look, Internet, I’m not a sex expert – or a “sexpert,” as Cosmo would say, right before doubling over from a punch to the crotch – but I’ve had some. I have proof. I call it Penny. So, here I go, with some As for the Qs.

Q: What’s the best position for having sex in the bath tub?

A: You tell me that, and I’ll tell you the best position for squatting over a cup so your UTI can be diagnosed.

(This is how far I got before second nap time. I got up part way through to finish this for you. This used to be way easier.)

Here’s an article about how women should stop being so polite (and start getting real). No, seriously. It’s about how, as ladies, we sometimes act in ways that are detrimental to ourselves in the name of being polite. Here’s a shocking example: if you don’t ask your boss for a raise, you probably won’t get one. You won’t get one because you’re too polite. Or, because you have no idea how the world works. Or, because, like the Internet, you have a misguided idea about “niceness” and it’s place in the world.

NO, SERIOUSLY, THOUGH. It’s not “not nice” to advocate for yourself. It’s not “not nice” to not like everyone. It’s not even the end of the world to not always be “nice.” You know what’s a stupid word? Nice.

Once again, I come across one of Cosmo”s “shameless” sections, which always centers around money. To dedicate sections to money-saving tips and even just common sense ideas – such as this month’s tip on finding cheap airfare – and then call them “shameless” seems to indicate that we should feel shame – or would, without Cosmo’s permission not to – about finding deals, saving money, or simply being wise with our spending.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m never against money-saving tips. I’m just against money-saving being categorized as something sneaky, or secret, or as a “no one has to know you didn’t break the bank!” kind of thing. I don’t think searching for a deal is something to be ashamed of. I don’t think looking for the best price reflects on you as the act of a poor person. I don’t think being wise with your money makes you appear cheap or broke or anything unflattering. I don’t see why Cosmo continues to back-handedly continue these ideas.

YOU ONLY COST $4, COSMO. YOU’RE NOT EXACTLY A LUXURY HABIT YOURSELF.

Hey, let’s do that thing where I read the title of an article, don’t read it, and then write the entire thing myself.

20 Reasons to be Naked This Winter, written by someone, ignored, and rewritten by TJ

1. Heater is stuck on.
2. Locked in the bathroom, it doesn’t occur to you to get out of the shower.
3. Too lazy to do laundry yet too finicky to wore jeans you already wore the day before.
4. Same as above, but more valid, because a baby pooped on those jeans.
5. Locked in a heated “who can be naked the longest” battle with… anyone.
6. Attempting to shame yourself into shaving your legs by constantly having to look at them.
7. Attempting to Stockholm Syndrome your significant other into being okay with you never shaving your legs.
8. You have a great rack.
9. You were going to have sex but fell asleep on the couch while your partner was brushing his teeth.
10. You got out of the shower and realized you had no place to go so, fuck it.
11. Waiting for your husband to notice you have no clothes on and ask why so you can passive aggressively bitch him out for shrinking all your clothes in the wash when he was JUST trying to HELP.
12. You hate your naked body slightly less than you hate the way all of your clothes make your body look.
13. Baby oil slip and slide in the hallway.
14. Trying to get overstaying house guests to leave.
15. Because you have no concept of “good naked” and “bad naked.”
16. Because you imagine yourself to be some kind of natural, deep, in with yourself and the earth type of person and haven’t connected that to the fact that you have no friends yet.
17. You’ve given up like the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but you’ve taken to your tub instead of a living room bed.
18. Over-holidayed and you’ll be DAMNED if you’re going to buy bigger pants.
19. You grew a suit of body hair, rendering clothes unnecessary.
20. A victim of crippling paranoia, you painted your entire home flesh-colored and stripped off all of your clothes in order to hide during the inevitable impending break in during which your precious Hummel collection will be stolen. You also paint the Hummels flesh colored.

Not too bad of a job, I think, especially since I myself am never naked.

Anyway, Internet, there’s absolutely nothing redeeming about the last few pages of this magazine, so I’m just going to sum them up for you, bullet-point style:

- This month in the pretty girl is murdered/gets cancer section, a pretty girl is… murdered! Apparently, the most dangerous part of a relationship is when you break it off. So, basically, Cosmo says to stay with that dickhead forever or DIE. Judging by Cosmo, you’re especially at risk if you’re unusually pretty. OR, it could be that Cosmo only finds your death sad and tragic if you’re particularly pretty.

- This is how Cosmo thinks you can double your “going out” wardrobe. Get all your best stuff, go over to a friend’s house with all your lady pals, put on a “good beat,” and swap clothes around until everyone is hot. Or, until someone is crying and left with her own clothes because no one likes them/she doesn’t fit in everyone else’s. Also, seriously? Musical sequined tops? Is this real life? Does Cosmo live in real life?

- Oh, the fashion section. It’s the holidays, so basically, wear something disco-bally and you’re fine. I guess. So much of this stuff exposes back. Am I the only one who feels more modest exposing a inch or so of cleavage than showing my entire back? Am I a Back Prude? Am I alone in my back prudery?

- Lastly, here’s Cosmo’s big tip for boosting your health this holiday season – use hand sanitizer after you touch something germy OH MY GOD, Cosmo, and I thought I’d been phoning it in recently.

BAM. TJ NOTED.

Old notes:

November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2011
September 2011

 

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48 Responses to “You could have read Cosmo yourself in the time it took me to do this. You’re WELCOME.”

  1. By Mama Bub on Nov 29, 2011

    I had to skip the second half so I could just to the comments and tell you that in Toys ‘R Us the other day, there was a girl with pink eyeshadow. FLUORESCENT pink eye shadow. She was a redhead with pale skin and pink undertones, (not unlike myself) and it looked awful. It looked like she had pinkeye, or whatever is worse that pinkeye. It looked like she had chlamydia of the eye. I would like to put it out there to anyone who is planning on attempting pink eyeshadow this “season.” DON’T. CHLAMYDIA OF THE EYE, people.

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  2. By Mama Bub on Nov 29, 2011

    JUMP. Jump to the comments. DAMN.

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  3. By Natalie on Nov 29, 2011

    I forced myself to read the entire post and loved it all, but I did particularly love this part: “Look, if it’s got nudity and no van surfing, Teen Wolf it is not.”
    My husband’s man-crush is Michael J Fox, and he loves Teen Wolf. I want to share this comment with him, but he doesn’t exactly get blogs or why I read them and I don’t want to have to explain.

    Also, I do wear pink eye shadow, but it’s a baby pink which ends up looking just barely like I’m wearing any eye shadow at all. It basically just keeps my eyelids from being shiny, I guess. And I do have green eyes.

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  4. By Maggie on Nov 29, 2011

    Obviously the Cosmo writers do not live anywhere near me or they would be well aware that there is virtually NO sun or risk of sun exposure near me from November – July. Winter skin risk is not for me (of course neither are cashmere gloves combined with a “member” or having sex after eating a pasta dinner).

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  5. By Linnea on Nov 29, 2011

    First of all, your interpretation of tips 7 & 11 made me laugh so hard all 3 cats fled the bed. So, good job–totally worth the wait.

    Also, my sisters (in-law) & I have been known to bring 2 or 3 posible options to a central location before going out and swap around until we all feel prettiest. We usually wind up wearing our own clothes, but not always. I don’t think there’s ever been a sequined top in the mix though…

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  6. By Nancy P on Nov 29, 2011

    Why they don’t make you the editor of Cosmo I will never understand.

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  7. By Elizabeth on Nov 29, 2011

    I haven’t laughed this hard in a good long time.

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  8. By Cayt on Nov 29, 2011

    I do not understand backless tops. Also, in Scotland, it is too cold to be naked in the winter. Or ever.

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  9. By Alex on Nov 29, 2011

    I think this is the best Cosmo TJ Note to date. So many good parts I could not possibly list them all. Will be re-reading pronto.

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  10. By Melissa on Nov 29, 2011

    “Oh, yeah, let’s just bust out all the cashmere and saffron. Let’s gold-plate my vagina while we’re at it, huh? Also, WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX AFTER A BIG PLATE OF PASTA? I want to lay around and moan. Alone. In elastic pants.”

    OMFG. High five for you.

    [Reply]

  11. By meanliving on Nov 29, 2011

    So, my husband and I have vastly different date night restaurant preferences. He likes to get all fancied up and go somewhere that requires me to wear pantyhose. This is, um, NOT my preference. For our Valentine’s dinner I bought him a gift certificate to his favorite restaurant and then proceeded to go an a date where I had to wear uncomfortable shoes and pretend to not be cold all night. And the name of that fancy-pants restaurant? My husband’s very favoritest restaurant in the whole world?

    WILF’S. (http://www.wilfsrestaurant.com/)

    This is also where his company’s Christmas party is this year. I can’t wait until everyone gets a few drinks in them and I can start talking about warewolves.

    [Reply]

    Natalie Reply:

    BEST. TIE IN. EVAR.

    Following Cosmo’s advice (do whatever HE wants to keep yo’ man) AND producing an actual Wilfs? A gold star for you, my friend.

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    Nancy P Reply:

    I forgot about Wilfs! I live in PDX too. I might have to crash your Christmas party just to see the warewolve talk. ha!

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  12. By Alex on Nov 29, 2011

    I’m not sure Cosmo has EVER lived in real life.

    And I totally agree with the cashmere gloves thing…if I have cashmere gloves, I’m going to wear them, not touch my husband’s schlong with them. Cashmere + Ball Sweat =/= Sexy.

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  13. By Elsha on Nov 29, 2011

    This is WAY better than actually reading cosmo. Last time I read an issue they suggested standing 69 as a “super hot” position that “everyone should try.” Um, NO.

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    Maggie Reply:

    I’m frankly at a total loss as to how that would even be possible unless it’s a couple of gymnasts, yoga gurus, or circus performers…

    [Reply]

  14. By Kristina on Nov 29, 2011

    “… we don’t use cashmere on penises.” <— best advice EVER.

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  15. By Life of a Doctor's Wife on Nov 29, 2011

    I kept wanting to comment on my favorite bits, but then the favorite bits list became so long that I might as well reproduce the whole post and that seems silly.

    I much prefer TJ Noted Cosmo to regular Cosmo. I assume that’s a given, but I’m saying it anyway.

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  16. By Tara on Nov 29, 2011

    Never naked. Ha, do you wear cutoffs so you can do it right? Also. Baby oil slip and slide in the hallway. Awesome.

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  17. By Swistle on Nov 29, 2011

    Favorite part: “– or a “sexpert,” as Cosmo would say, right before doubling over from a punch to the crotch –”

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  18. By Veronica on Nov 29, 2011

    Apparently we’ve all got cashmere gloves hiding in our closets. Wow.

    As always, you made me laugh TJ. Thanks :-)

    [Reply]

  19. By Veronica on Nov 29, 2011

    1. Grunties. Heh.
    2. Punching in the crotch – Foxy stole my go-to move.
    3. Cashmere and saffron and gold vaginas. Oh MY.
    4. What’s “bad naked.” Kidding. It doesn’t even exist! Kidding. (or am I?)
    5. Now I’m too tired to think of other funny things you said. I need one of those “nap” things you speak of.

    [Reply]

    Veronica Reply:

    OH MY GOD, I wrote this, and then there was ANOTHER VERONICA RIGHT ABOVE ME!! How often has that happened? NEVER is the answer. NEVER. Hi Other Veronica.

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    Veronica Reply:

    Oh yeah, also — I have good reason to be a back prude. Bare back means no bra, means BAD NEWS FOR EVERYONE WITH FUNCTIONING EYEBALLS.

    TMI?

    [Reply]

  20. By Denae on Nov 29, 2011

    How have I gone my entire life with never reading your blog? Prob b/c someone I follow failed to retweet your post until now. I love you. In a totally cool way. Whenever cosmo figures out that bathtub sex answer, let me know. I kinda think its a trick question (even without the water problem). Guys are stupid for insisting on trying it.

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  21. By Dr. Maureen on Nov 29, 2011

    I can’t even decide which is my favorite part. Maybe the “before doubling over from a punch to the crotch” maybe the Teen Wolf? I am dying.

    But among my favorite parts was where you call out the “rocking the blank” trend that I am so so tired of. People! Stop saying that!

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  22. By Megan on Nov 29, 2011

    Whoever came up with the cashmere gloves thing needs to be fired. WHAT.

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  23. By Josefina on Nov 29, 2011

    I love TJ Cosmo Notes so much.

    I am a back prude. Very much so.

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  24. By Miss Grace on Nov 29, 2011

    I’m pretty sure that even if you have green eyes, you look bad in pink eyeshadow. I say that as someone with green eyes.

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    Miss Grace Reply:

    Also, while I am not a back prude, because I like my back tattoo, yes. Back is more revealing than front. Because bare back implies no bra. Also, it’s more naked. Also, you get cold that way.
    Those were all supporting reasons although I’m not sure why.

    [Reply]

  25. By Annika on Nov 29, 2011

    Hmmm, #19 sounds a little WILF-y.

    [Reply]

  26. By pgoodness on Nov 29, 2011

    Love this, but aside from the cashmere / member thing (UM NO), my favorite was THE CANCER SUN…lmao

    [Reply]

  27. By Melissa on Nov 29, 2011

    I laughed SO hard at the sex tips that when I tried to read it out loud to explain my teary eyes to my husband, I couldn’t even speak by the time I got to gold-plated vaginas.

    Well done!

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  28. By rebecca on Nov 29, 2011

    I love your posts so much! I want to hug each one like a teddy bear.

    *gasp!* but this wonderful entertainment is FREE! meaning absolute deal! Cosmo better say it’s shameless to enjoy your blog fast! *hides under couch from enjoying free fun*

    [Reply]

  29. By Mel on Nov 29, 2011

    Laughed so hard while reading this in bed that I woke the hubby up.

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  30. By Sarah on Nov 29, 2011

    I have not laughed this hard in ages. That was awesome.

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  31. By Tric on Nov 30, 2011

    I saw the cashmere glove/member ridiculousness in a different cosmo once upon a time (I remember because I immediately put on my best raised eyebrows), so they don’t deserve credit for their new awful idea, because it too is just a recycled awful idea.

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  32. By -R- on Nov 30, 2011

    I do not even like racer back shirts, let alone backless items of clothing. I’m a Never-Back-Nude.

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  33. By Adie on Nov 30, 2011

    “Hey, look, if you flip the Stud Meter upside down, you have the Hilarious Meter!”

    Classic.

    [Reply]

  34. By Miranda on Nov 30, 2011

    I love all of this and don’t ever EVER want to “read” a Cosmo any other way again.

    [Reply]

  35. By Rebecca on Nov 30, 2011

    This is awesome. Your TJ notes are seriously THE funniest thing on the Internet. I nearly woke my husband up I was laughing so hard. I especially enjoyed “you grew a suit of body hair, rendering clothes unnecessary”.

    [Reply]

  36. By ZombiePirate on Dec 1, 2011

    While I may be late to the party and commenting unnecessarily I can point out that I must be somewhat less of a man for never having had a sex dream involving werewolves….

    [Reply]

    ZombiePirate Reply:

    or vampires…. too much devilspawn in this post.

    [Reply]

  37. By Rosa on Dec 1, 2011

    I love the post TJ, thanks for taking the time :)

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  38. By Cindyloo on Dec 1, 2011

    My favorite:
    12. You hate your naked body slightly less than you hate the way all of your clothes make your body look.

    Awesome TJ Notes, just awesome all around TJ! Thank you for the many insightful laughs.

    [Reply]

  39. By Laura Diniwilk on Dec 2, 2011

    WILF???? TJ YOU ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW, RIGHT? I am about ready to go buy a Cosmo myself just to see if you made that part up.

    [Reply]

  40. By thanks: management on Dec 2, 2011

    W O W!!! I am very happy you read cosmo for me, It is much more enjoyable reading your readings! It sounds like they went to a middle school and got some people to write a few articles! Good call on the Vampire questioning.. my eyes ARE green but I wouldn’t touch pink eyeshadow not even if the 80s were back!
    I’m starting to think that cosmo has NEVER EVER had sex before, and they are leading a lot of impressionable woman in the wrong direction! I’ve never even seen saffron in my life… that shit is like finding Gold! or own anything cashmere for that matter!
    I’m guilty of rocking a few things.. though I’ll try to be more vigilant and not to say it 1. around you, 2. in a stone quarry, ok fine 3. not ever ever again!!

    LOVED THIS!!!

    [Reply]

  41. By Cae on Dec 14, 2011

    I am also not okay with the back showing. Why would you leave your back exposed? People can stab you there!

    [Reply]

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