Internet, normally my intro is some explanation about how I TJ Noted (oh, by the way, I’m calling it TJ Notes now, because Cliff’s Notes apparently took the apostrophe out of their name officially now and since I have always been aggravated by those who left it out, I feel like I’ve been betrayed by their apostrophe abandonment) – HOW I TJ NOTED up this issue of Cosmo for you because you’re really busy and I have a lot of time on my hands, but you know what? I HAVEN’T had a lot of time recently, so I think this makes this installment all the more special, you know? I have NO TIME to be doing this. I have negative time. I started doing this before I had a kid, and said kid just spent 5 days in the hospital and we have to go back to the doctor in just a couple of hours, so I’m just trying to IMPRESS UPON YOU HERE that I continue to save YOU time even though I have little to spare myself. So. Let’s read this edition with some generousity and leniency because I am so tired.
I want to talk about the cover for a second. I know you think I’m going to say something about the “Va-jay-jay” and Cosmo’s use of the word va-jay-jay, but I’m holding off on that to give mine time to tell me whatever it is it is dying to tell me so that when I get to that article, I can see if mine matches up to what the other va-jay-jays told Cosmo.
No, I’m talking about this headline: “Guys Answer YOUR SEXIEST SEX Qs.” Does ANYONE read “Qs” as “questions?” Anyone? I mean, are you going to walk up to your boss and say, “Hey, quick Q.” No. You’re not. Because that would be stupid. Just pointing out that Cosmo has already gotten a running start on this issue. Let’s get moving into the magazine. It’s going to be a good one, I passed five Barrymores on my way in.
We’re jumping right in to the Ask Cosmo section. If you’ll recall, last month I tried my hand at answering a couple of the questions. This month, I’ll let Cosmo go back to handling it.
Q: Of all of the new fall fragrances, which are the drop dead sexiest?
A: Patchouli is all the rage this sea–
WHOA WHOA WHOA. Cosmo. Cosmo. Look at me, Cosmo. No. No. Watch the shape my mouth is making. Nnnnnnnoooooo. Patchouli? No. Cosmo, say patchouli. Say it. Every time you say it, I’m going to squirt you in the face with this bottle I use to make my kid’s butt wash. Little soapy, sorry, but that’s how you’ll learn. No, Cosmo. NO.
Next month, I’ll answer the questions.
I’m skipping the What’s Sexy Right Now section, because we all know that Cosmo has been kind of struggling lately with the exact definition of the word sexy, but at a glance, I can tell you that they’re advising grown women to dress like schoolgirls in a non-bedroom, non-Halloween way, because there’s nothing odd and sadly pathetic about that.
Cover girl Diana Argon – skipping. I read it, she’s not that interesting. Like, at all. Sorry.
CELEB TREND! Hideous sweatshirts! The more hideous, the better, from what I can tell. Zippers and hoods aren’t allowed, that ruins the look. We’re talking straight up 1990s B.U.M. Equipment-style shit. Only this time around, you can pay $148 for it, because you are a huge idiot. Or at least, Cosmo thinks that your desire to imitate this “trend,” which was likely someone just not expecting to be photographed on her way out for a tampon run, will turn you into a huge idiot.
Remember how last month Justin Timberlake told you how to be a girl that might get to hang around with guys but will surely be hated by other women? This month, the adorable Blake Shelton wants to let you know how a guy will know that YOU ARE THE ONE.
Here are his tips, condensed for you: Go out, but only where he likes to go, with only his friends, unless he doesn’t want to go out at all – then you should stay home and not bitch about it, and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, do NOT SPEAK.
Cosmo, just because you ask a celebrity to contribute some ideas doesn’t mean you need to use them. I mean, I’m just saying – it’s not all gold, okay? Sometimes it’s misogynistic in an admittedly adorable backwoods country singer kind of way, and not at all appropriate for your GIRL POWER!!! magazine.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has gone from the bottom of last month’s “Stud-o-Meter” to the “skanky” side of the Sexy v. Skanky feature. Has Arnold done more ladies in the last couple of months, or is Cosmo going to ride this train long past anyone giving even the tiniest of shits?
The Naughtiest Thing I’ve Ever Done: I got back at my evil roommate!
Now, I’ve had an evil roommate or two, so I was totally ready for this story, until the author explained why she thought her roommate didn’t like her:
Nina never told me why she had it out for me, but I think she may have been jealous of my easygoing attitude. She was a bit of a loner and borderline neurotic about getting good grades. She basically studied all the time, whereas I was way more social yet still managed to do better in school than she did. I think this must have created lots of pent-up anger that manifested itself in bitchiness.
Um, Cosmo? I think you’re getting the wrong side of this totally awesome revenge story.
Anyway, apparently Nina reported the author for having wine in their room fridge, which was against the rules and, oh yeah, the law, so the author stole Nina’s room key while she was out studying, went to a friend’s room, and ignored Nina’s middle of the night calls to be let into the room. This then lead to Nina staying on her friend’s futon and getting a D on her final the next day.
Cosmo expects you to applaud this act of revenge, Internet. After all, the author can’t help that she was awesome and her roommate wasn’t as awesome! And how dare her roommate be peeved that she and her friends hang out in their shared space drinking? This calls for ruining someone school year. HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND – especially to you, Cosmo, for sharing this brave woman’s actions with us.
Here’s a good one I can TJ Note for you! 101 Things About Men – there are not 101 things about men. Total. Ever. Next!
Pauly D’s Guy to Dating:
Q: Is there one thing you look for in a girl?
A: Yeah, the type of music she listens to. It tells you everything you need to know about a woman.
But does it tell you whether or not she uses Miracle Whip?
(We’re a Miracle Whip house.)
We’re at one of the many fashion sections now – the Fun Fearless Fashion part. This month, they’re giving us the 9 key pieces you need for fall. Presumably, we’re to build an entire wardrobe around dress shorts, leather tops, and faux fur vests. And high-waisted jeans. No one who writes Cosmo has ever had a c-section, I guess. High-waisted jeans, what the shit? Sure, a nice decorative denim sausage casing for my scar’s fat-roof. Thanks. I’ll just distract from it with this fur vest COME ON.
Oh my god, I hadn’t flipped to the next page where it tells you how to “work” these items until just now and you guys you’re supposed to wear the fur vest with the DRESS SHORTS.
Skipping a little bit farther on, I’ve learned that apparently we’re calling them fancy shorts, and leopard skin is an appropriate pattern. There’s only one person in this world who has license to wear fancy shorts, and if your last name isn’t Fauntleroy, you ain’t it.
There’s a coupon in here for Aeropostale, which is apparently now calling itself Aero, and as I am nearly 30 years old and staunchly opposed to companies trying to hipify their own names, I will not be using it. Come by if you want it.
Have you always wondered whether men find long earrings or short earrings sexier? Well, apparently they find long earrings sexier. I think. All the guys actually said was “I barely notice small earrings” and that long earrings draw attention to her face. So, Cosmo has taken that to mean that guys find long earrings sexier, when all it really means is that guys don’t notice earrings, except for the one dude Cosmo managed to find to voice an opinion on long earrings. None of this adds up to the word “sexy,” but I’m too exhausted from last month to go over this again.
I was looking at the Beauty News page and the bolded headline “Seductive Shoulders” caught my eye, so I sat here for a few minutes trying to do some seductive shoulder moves, but it turns out I’m supposed to moisturize and then luminize them. Also? We’re putting gold pomade in our EYEBROWS now. Where does one wear be-golded eyebrows? Work? Daycare pick up? State dinner?
Cosmo is featuring EOS lip balm this month, which is awesome, but don’t bother to buy it, because your dogs are just going to eat it.
This month’s Beauty Cheat Sheet is a five step process involving a blow dryer and scotch tape that all culminates in painting your nails a nude color. More evidence that I should be hired by Cosmo, because I just got the exact same effect in zero steps.
I love the Shameless sections of Cosmo, where they give you permission to not spend ridiculous amounts of cash on things and not even feel a little bit bad about it. As if without their blessing, you would feel a deep, burning, secret shame about taking advantage of free make up samples or not buying colored mascara because who the shit needs colored mascara? Cosmo is letting you know that it’s OKAY to save money, sometimes, on some things. Once in a while. But don’t tell anyone.
Prince Harry is at the top of this month’s Stud-o-Meter. Good call, I think. Did anyone else notice that he and Prince William have had opposite awkward phases? And I have a feeling that Prince William’s is going to be way longer than Harry’s was. Peter Sarsgaard is near the bottom of the meter due to a picture snapped of him running wearing slightly short shorts, proving once again that how you look when working out is nearly as important – if not moreso – than actually working out, neatly summing up why so many of us stay out of gyms. You can’t say that shit doesn’t matter, Cosmo, and then turn around and bust on someone’s workout gear.
We’ve come to the part where all of our sex cues – I mean, Qs, are going to be answered by men. Our sexiest sex Qs. In twenty words or less!
Just glancing over this, I can tell you that the dude answers are terrible. Since I let Cosmo answer a question above and it was a disaster, I’m going to answer some of these or, alternately, tell you why the man answer was terrible and you shouldn’t listen to it.
5. Do men get bored in LTRs?
First of all, you don’t have to abbreviate everything, ever. Second of all, the dude says that they do, so you need to be extra sexy. I say that men don’t have the monopoly on anything and maybe HE should be extra sexy to keep YOU from getting bored.
10. Are unshaven legs (or other body parts) a turn-off?
Doesn’t matter. Men are allowed to express a preference, but they do not get a say. The recent prevailing attitude that certain states of hair denudery are not only common but an expected standard is ridiculous and you do not have to feel obligated to keep any of your personal areas in any specific hair condition.
12. Why do guys in relationships look at porn?
Because there’s naked ladies in it.
45. Why do men dig a.m. sex?
Because it’s sex.
Hey, here’s an innovative and interesting psychological and sociological article! Why We Love Bad Boys.
Because we feel like we’re not supposed to or they’re forbidden in some way!
Just kidding, I didn’t read it.
I did, however, take the quiz. I didn’t get a lot of the references, because I don’t know what the shit a McDreamy is, but it sounds like fast food ice cream, and I am all for that. Anyway, I scored a 1, which Cosmo says means I see the inevitable dangers of getting mixed up with a bad boy, but I’m pretty sure that, based on the other answers to this quiz, actually means that I have the self-respect to not continually date assholes. Tomato, tomato, am I right, Cosmo?
Cosmo asks, Are Some Guys Just Not Wired to Marry? Because if you’re with a guy and he hasn’t shown any indication of wanting to marry you, it’s definitely some kind of genetic issue.
There’s a tear out page for you to take on your next date – Fun, Revealing Games to Play with Him. Okay, Internet, seriously, I dare you. On your next date, ask the guy which body of water appeals most to him. And then tell him what that says about his personality. Or? Take my simplified version.
If he chooses…
None of the above: he thinks this is stupid and that you should stop reading Cosmo because, come on.
Any of the above: he thinks this is stupid and that you should stop reading Cosmo because, come on, but will at least pick one to shut you up, which could mean he cares enough about your feelings to shut you up kindly or just wishes you would shut up and also can’t believe you pulled out a page torn from a magazine on a date, why don’t you just ask NORMAL SHIT like where he’s from and what he likes to do and stop treating men like some kind of puzzle you must solve because believe me, if you try to do too much solving to delve down to his deepest inner feelings and desires and non-obvious personality traits, you are going to end up one sad lady with one sore delver muscle because MEN ARE NOT SECRETS.
A fine example of “I’m just going to play along because if I don’t I know you won’t shut up about it and I’m at work and why don’t you have any idea of what is an appropriate time to ask these questions?” And that’s why we’re married.
There’s a section here on Sex Q+A and I don’t think I’m especially qualified to answer them by Cosmo’s standards, even though I totally HAVE used sex to produce a child, so I think I have the basic mechanics down, so I’m going to skip most of these questions, except the one about queefing, because queefing is a funny word, and it’s a kind of fart, which makes it double hilarious. Anyway, lady wants to know how to not queef so much after sex, and I’m actually kind of proud of Cosmo for being, “Hey, it’s natural, bodies do things.”
I mean, mine doesn’t. Yours is strange and wrong and you should be embarrassed. But it was nice of Cosmo to soothe you like that.
Since I’m on a question-answering spree, I’m also going to tackle one of the Ask Him Anythings, even though I’m not a him, because, come on. Neither are the hims that Cosmo uses. Or, well, maybe they are, but they’re giving Cosmo-provided answers or choosing from Cosmo-multiple choice options, so they’re not hims in a real sense, but more hims in the way that hims exist in the weird parallel universe Cosmo seems to be operating from.
Q. My guy makes a weird face when we have sex — [uncharitable description of face here]. I know he’s in the heat of the moment, but it’s really distracting. Is there anything I can say or do to get him to change his expression?
A: Hey, weird coincidence – your guy just called and told me that the way that your boobs fall into your armpits during sex is really gross and it distracts him from his enjoyment of sex with you. Can you do something about that? No? Well, can you do something about the fact that you’re a ridiculous, terrible person? It’s distracting me from my work.
When I picked up this issue of Cosmo, I felt that it was especially fat, and it turns out that this month contains not only a “pretty women get raped” story, but also a “pretty woman gets cancer” story. Not to make light of either of these things, but it’s not extra tragic when these things happen to pretty women, Cosmo. I’m just saying.
Now, have we all been sitting around and communing with our va-jay-jays through the previous 2800 words? Because it’s time to find out what they called up Cosmo to tell them to tell us. Here’s what Cosmo says they have to say. Vagina to you! Vagina to you! Come in, you!
“Your vibrator needs a bath.” – You’re not only sad and lonely, but also slovenly!
“Could you do me a favor and pee right after sex?” – Your vagina considers urination to be a personal favor.
“It’s time you asked your doc about your extra heavy periods.” – We are taking medical advice via genitals now, how twee of Cosmo.
“Your birth-control pill is giving me a serious case of dry vadge.” – Your insufferable vagina refers to itself as “vadge.”
“Those jeans are too freaking tight.” – Well, someone had to say it and the vagina has stepped up.
“Girl, you need to eat more yogurt.” – Look for a dual assault Jamie Lee Curtis/Vagina tag-team ad campaign relying entirely on vaguely phrased yet still uncomfortable to watch commercials coming to a television near you.
“My guy goes commando – are there any risks?” THANKS FOR CHECKING IN TO THAT FOR HIM, MOM.
Fashion section: terrible. Jesus. There’s fringe, you guys. And it’s everywhere. And another version of the hair-vest. And sheer items. How about I don’t shave my legs (DONE!) and wear one of these sheer skirty dealies, and nail two trends at once?
The make up tutorial section is on “Sexy, Edgy Eyes,” and seems to entirely rely on black eyeliner, black eyeshadow, black mascara, specially angled brushes, fat crayon-y things and strategic smudging, which means they may have well have just named it, “Here’s how to spend $60 and 40 minutes and still come out looking like a raccoon.” If Cosmo ever needs to do a tutorial on blending in with the local wildlife, I am their ham-fisted girl.
Lastly, Cosmo thinks that using your computer while you eat your lunch in your cube (because all the young, hip Cosmo girls work in cubes) will make you fat. Because you’ll eat too much of your lunch if you’re distracted. Call me crazy, but if this is a problem for you, how about just bring less food (but don’t let anyone see you eat it all)? Because all of those Kongregate games are not going to play themselves.
Lesson learned: The number of Barrymores spotted on the way in does not directly correlate to the quality of the Cosmo innards. I give this issue two and a half Barrymores.
BAM. TJ NOTED.