Temerity Jane

107 Responses to “What would you miss if we skipped it?”

1. By Kestrel on May 17, 2010

   I’m old-fashioned. (Part of that, at least, comes from being somewhat older than most people with whom I interact.) That said, there are only a few things I think I’d miss at a wedding:

   > “I do” spoken by both principals, firmly and with conviction.

   > Champagne

   > Cake

   Of course, I come from a generation that didn’t make a habit of spending more on a wedding than on a car (or a mortgage!), but still had memorable days. Almost 36 years later, I can recall, almost minute by minute, the entire day and night of my wedding. And THAT is what’s important.

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   TJ Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 9:27 am

   Oh, well, of course there will be an “I do” – though likely ONLY an “I do,” we’re not into speaking vows, repeating vows or writing vows. And there will of course be cake. I don’t know about champagne, because I don’t know if there will be toasts, but there will be plenty of alcohol.

   What if, though, as an example, we skipped “You may now kiss the bride?”

   That’s an extension of our party pooper stance on kissing when people clink their glasses – no way is that happening.

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   Julie Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 10:20 pm

   I feel there should be a kiss for “You may kiss the bride”. My sister didn’t have that, and has regretted it.

   As for the clinking? Never heard of that. If some of our guests had, they probably avoided it, since we were apparently doing plenty of kissing anyway :)

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2. By Robyn on May 17, 2010

   I just got married in January and am so glad it’s over. I hated the whole planning, every minute. We, too, were not dancers, and not big on the idea of a first dance. We are, however, both musical, and decided we would “play” the first “dance”. We had guitars and everything and we played it live and brought down the house. It didn’t matter that we didn’t dance, just that we did something we liked :)

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   TJ Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 9:28 am

   That sounds SO CUTE. Phil and I aren’t talented in any kind of musical areas. At all. AT ALL. But that is adorable. And I’m glad to hear someone else is not/did not enjoy the whole planning process. It’s not especially fun. It’ll be worth it, though.

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   Ale Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 11:11 am

   You could always just guitar hero the first dance :)

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   Lauren Bates Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 12:12 pm

   Or you could PVP your first dance!!!

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   Katie Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 2:22 pm

   Cranius could choreograph…but he’d probably be like the heartattack DJ.

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3. By Tchann on May 17, 2010

   I’ve never heard of a ‘first look’, and it kinda ruins the fun of not seeing each other until the ceremony itself, so I’m totally against that.

   Honestly? I had never even heard of the Dollar Dance until the wedding I went to last week. I could take it or leave it, really – I imagine it’s only a huge deal if the couple actually needs the cash.

   “What do you look forward to seeing or doing at a wedding? What kinds of stuff would you miss if it didn’t happen?”

   I’d miss cake if it weren’t there (also? don’t do the big cake-cutting thing and then wait HALF AN HOUR to pass out the cake). While the bouquet and garter tosses are traditional, it’s kinda silly if there’s only two people on the floor to catch. I’d honestly say skip it if most of the people coming are already hitched.

   I look forward to seeing my friends. I look forward to having a good meal, hearing and dancing to good music, and all in all having fun. It’s a celebration! It’s a party and if people aren’t having fun then something went wrong. :)

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   TJ Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 9:30 am

   The people who DO first looks REALLY enjoy them – check out Brie at http://thefitbride.wordpress.com. She loved hers and has some awesome pictures. It’s just not for us.

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   Tchann Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 9:48 am

   It’s up to each individual couple, definitely…but I loved the moment of walking down the aisle and realizing my eyes were locked on my soon-to-be-husband, and that his eyes were locked on me. The last howevermanyhours had been leading up to that point and it was a wonderful slice of time. :)

   (As a side-note on that site, I kind of take a bit of offense to her tagline. I was 195 lbs on my wedding day (I’m now 140). Just last week I went through my photo album and realized that despite the fact I was so much heavier back then, I still looked gorgeous and happy, and that made me smile.)

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   TJ Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 10:04 am

   I agree that it’s for some people. Phil and I would prefer not to see each other until the ceremony.

   As far as Brie’s tagline, I don’t see why how Brie feels about her body has any bearing on how anyone else feels about their own body or how they look. If I look how I look right now in my wedding pictures, I will cringe when I see them. That doesn’t make your pictures any less pretty, you know?

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   Tchann Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 10:18 am

   I have a bad habit of taking things more personally than they’re intended, so I’m sure it’s just that personal flaw manifesting in this instance. =\

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   Erin Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 10:07 am

   Expectations I have for a “good” wedding:

   1. Good music. If you want people to dance, pick out some fun music. And please, limit the cheesy wedding staples (like the Cha Cha Slide, which gets me off a dance floor faster than anything else). Also, be sure there’s a good mix of fast and slow songs. My husband and I did CDs for our wedding (no DJ) and we put in too many fast songs and ended up skipping some of our favorites in favor of finding a slower one so we could all catch our breath.

   2. Before your big day, talk to Phil to determine whether or not you are cake face smashers. I’ve done some wedding photography work and I’ve caught a couple of PISSED off brides who had not anticipated having their gorgeous hair and make-up ruined by butter cream. Either way is fine, smashing or no smashing, just come to a consensus ahead of time.

   3. First kiss. Let your happiness and passion shine through. I don’t mean you have to make out on the alter or anything, just don’t worry too much about being appropriate – do what feels natural. If the couple is awkward or too polite or just stiff, it kinda makes me feel awkward too.

   4. Don’t stress. Nothing kills the buzz of a wedding like a bride freaking out about appetizers or something spilled on the dress. Just go with it!

   5. In relation to #4, deputize someone you trust to help make decisions for you throughout the day. You’ve got enough on your mind. For me, my mom was being a royal pain just hours before the wedding but my best friend was authorized to stand up to her and make decisions for me, so my mom couldn’t harass me with 20 questions I didn’t care about while I was coping with the butterflies in my stomach.

   6. Make sure your photographer takes candid pictures. Formal photos are nice for the mantle, but the shots of people laughing and dancing when they don’t realize someone’s watching are much more authentic and meaningful.

   7. Supply taxi cab information for the less-sober guests. You’re young and with young friends, so there’s bound to be some drinking and some flirting and having that information readily available saves your guests some awkward or potentially dangerous post-reception situations.

   8. Bring comfy shoes to wear when your feet hurt. I danced my butt off at my reception, but I ended up barefoot after about half an hour, b/c the shoes just weren’t working out.

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   TJ Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 10:15 am

   These are allll excellent tips, seriously.

   1. You know, I never even HEARD of the Cha Cha Slide until my DJ mentioned it. I don’t even know what it is!

   2. Phil knows – HE KNOWS – that cake smashing is grounds for an immediate annulment. He’s not into it either, though, so no big. I just feel like it’s way inappropriate, though I get that some people are into it. There was one couple I know of who decided against a smash, and had a young niece or cousin of the bride come up and smash cake into the groom’s face since they didn’t do it. Awful!

   3. How weird is it that we’re thinking of skipping the first kiss? I don’t even kiss him in the airport when we’ve been apart for a while. Not public kissers at ALL.

   4. I am going to try SO SO SO hard to follow that one.

   5. My sister is totally on the ball about that stuff.

   6. We have an AWESOME photographer – http://photopinknyc.com How awesome are their pictures?

   7. Definitely a good idea. We’re hoping everyone will stay at the hotel, since everything is there, but you never know.

   8. We’re thinking about doing that thing so many people are doing lately – putting out a basket of flip flops for everyone in high heels to switch to if they’d like.

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   Tchann Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 10:26 am

   For #8…I went and got myself a pair of white ‘character shoes’ for my wedding. Not only did they match perfectly, but they’re made for comfortable dancing and I wore them easily throughout the entire reception. :)

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   Tammy Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 11:10 am

   We did the first look thing too and it worked amazingly well for us. I did not want to be blubbering as I walked down the aisle, and I knew I would be. Seeing each other beforehand allowed us to decompress a bit. And, it solved my pet peeve of weddings which is having the attendees wait for several hours while the bridal party takes pictures. We took all of our staged shots beforehand and then were able to go straight to the reception. Again, it worked for us, to each his/her own. :-)

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4. By Adlib on May 17, 2010

   I had a very cheap wedding, but I did programs and a card box, which was basically a basket I borrowed from a friend and we put ribbon on to make it “match”. We didn’t have dancing, music, etc., but my real friends came, and that was all that mattered. (Still kinda “rrrgh” over people that RSVP’ed yes and didn’t come.)

   For programs, I picked a template out of Microsoft Publisher, picked my color scheme, and printed them out at Kinko’s online for pickup (albeit at like 2 AM the night before I had to leave town). They just listed who was in it, the order of service, and our new address. Oh, and a Bible verse, I think. I like them just because I think they’re a nice little keepsake for people who are sentimental like that. :)

   Didn’t do a receiving line (take too much time for all involved, IMO). Didn’t do a bouquet toss, but I didn’t have much of a single ladies crowd who was interested. Plus, I was keeping my bouquet and not buying an extra for the toss.

   Oh, and for a horror story…
   My former boss got married a few years ago (most amazing reception ever, but I digress), and her aunt had made this amazing quilt wall-hanging for people to sign and leave good wishes on. Well, one of her coworkers brought his obnoxious wife who promptly got drunk off the open bar and proceeded to leave an unkind message on the quilt. I think they were able to fix it somehow, but still, she was SO upset over it. I had a decorative plate that people signed, and no such horror story. I like it, except they signed it upside down. It’s still on my mantle. :)

   Honestly, I don’t think there’s much I’d miss. I agree with Kestrel; those are good basics. I’m going to a wedding to see the people getting married, that’s all that matters to me.

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   TJ Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 9:32 am

   The RSVP but not showing up thing is pretty common, I’ve heard. It would definitely be frustrating. I can’t imagine anyone who had actually planned a wedding doing that, you know?

   In relation to your horror story, I read a story somewhere about a couple who had a professionally matted photo for guests to sign, and one guest let her toddler scribble all over the bottom and then “signed” his name to it, like it would be totally adorable.

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   Adlib Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 9:48 am

   That reminds me of another story. My sister had a little autograph doggie that I had gotten her for her high school graduation that my volleyball coach let her kids “sign” it in HUGE letters, you know, after they had run off by themselves like they were wont to do. We were not pleased.

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5. By Bennet on May 17, 2010

   I like Kestrel’s list too. And while formal receiving lines always made me uncomfortable, the newlyweds visiting every table is nice – makes the guests feel like they’re sharing in your happiness rather than attending a theater performance.

   I quite like toasts when they’re tastefully done and…brief. I went to a friend’s wedding with six bridesmaids and six groomsmen and they all made toasts. All of them. Not short ones. And most of them were drunk by then. And mean-spirited. It was not a happy time.

   Oh, and tip from same wedding: don’t have goldfish centerpieces if the reception is outside and it’s 110 degrees Fahrenheit. A friend rescued some of the fish by dumping them in the patio fountain but the rest of the scene was…grim.

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   TJ Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 9:41 am

   Ha. There will be no fish. I promise. No fish.

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   Adlib Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 9:49 am

   Totally agree on the outdoor mid-summer reception. I was in my friend’s wedding, and it was in the middle of the August heat & humidity. We were NOT outside, and the building was not air conditioned. I felt like I was melting in my expensive, but ugly, bridesmaid dress.

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6. By Diane on May 17, 2010

   I love the bouquet toss (though I didn’t do one. Painfully small wedding with only my teenage sister-in-law who was an unmarried woman, so it wasn’t really possible. ANYWAY) but the garter toss has always made me SQUIRM. Like in that way you were talking about before where you can’t watch embarrassing things happen to people on television? I literally have to LEAVE THE ROOM. The inappropriate hiking up of the bride’s dress for garter removal, then the dude who catches it putting it on the leg of the girl who caught the bouquet?

   NO THANK YOU. I can’t handle that even a little bit. Grosses me right out.

   I probably wouldn’t notice the first dance being skipped. The only thing I notice in the dances is the mother/groom dance and the father/bride dance, because they are TEAR-JERKINGLY CRYTASTIC, but sometimes those don’t happen for all sorts of good reasons.

   And finally, HIGH FIVE for the cake instead of cupcakes.

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   TJ Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 9:35 am

   The garter toss thing – EXACTLY. I’m not sure if we’re going to do it, but if we did, there would be NO up under the dress spectacle because OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. No. No. No. No spectacle. Oh gosh, even the idea of sitting on a chair in the middle of the room and people ANTICIPATING that that kind of spectacle was about to happen might keep me from doing it.

   And at the last wedding I went to? An adult woman caught the bouquet and a 10 year old boy caught the garter and put it on her while something like “Let’s Get it On” played. OH MAN. NO. NO. OH GOD NO.

   I’ve heard a lot of cute things… like giving the bouquet to the female of the longest married couple or something like that, but I don’t want anyone to feel like a spectacle. I don’t want a spectacle. Have I said spectacle enough? That’s just exactly what I DON’T WANT.

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   Adlib Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 9:53 am

   Yes to the garter thing. Ew, don’t even like the videos of it on AFV.

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   Erin Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 10:11 am

   Along the line of the father-daughter and mother-son dances, be sure to plan for some not so nuclear family situations (if applicable). At my wedding, I made sure to pick out songs for dances with my dad, my stepfather, and my father-in-law, while my husband danced with his mom, my mom, and my stepmom. This was not a spectacle, as we didn’t make everyone stand back and watch us dance, just that we made a point to go grab all our fathers/mothers and dance with them and thank them for all their help.

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   TJ Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 10:17 am

   The parent dances are such a struggle right now. My dad and I do not have a relationship in which I can picture us doing a dance, but I also don’t know if he’s looking forward to it. We also don’t know if Phil’s mom is going to make it. We have weird family situations that make it so that skipping that whole ordeal is going to be best for everyone, but I just worry that it’s really going to stand out if we don’t do it at all.

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   Erin Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 10:22 am

   That’s completely fair. While we have a good relationship with all three of our fathers, our mothers were really difficult to fit in, as we only really like my stepmom (both of our natural mothers are . . . not nice). Perhaps you and Phil could do a generic toast to them, generic without bringing up bad stuff, thanking them for raising you and being there and blah blah blah drink up.

   I can sympathize with the weird family situations. My mom tried to un-invite my dad from the wedding and my in-laws announced they were divorcing a week before our wedding. So, I wish you the sincerest luck with a tricky situation.

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   Katie Reply:
   May 18th, 2010 at 12:42 pm

   In that case, rather than the individual slow dances, do something like “We are Family” or “Welcome” (probably SO not your style…it’s Phil Collins from Brother Bear…probably so not anyone’s style, but there you go) and get both families up and dancing. You have all of the family unity, you give your dad the opportunity if he wants to, and there’s little to no spectacle.

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   Emily Reply:
   May 19th, 2010 at 3:22 pm

   We only did a first dance between the two of us (and had asked other people in advance to start dancing about a minute after we started dancing together), because I had a similar issue with my dad. He was not at all involved in the wedding other than as a guest. We also kept toasting to a minimum (only the best man and best woman gave toasts). My husband danced with his mom at some point, but it wasn’t a planned out mother-son dance or anything.

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7. By Liz on May 17, 2010

   Here’s my thing I hate about most weddings even though I know I’m not suppose to be judgmental about people’s weddings because yes everyone spends a lot of time and energy and money planning and it’s perfect just the way it is:

   Don’t make me dance between courses at dinner. Just… don’t. The music is too loud to maintain whatever conversation you’re having, I’m in no way relaxed (and/or drunk) enough to let down dancing inhibitions, and then by the time I start to enjoy it, I have to stop to go eat again. It’s my least favorite part of every wedding. If you need to kill time between courses – which is a really overrated concern, in my opinion – let your guests know that you would like them to give toasts, and that is the appropriate time to do so.

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   TJ Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 10:18 am

   Oh wow, I never even knew that people did that between courses, really? I guess not being much of a dancer, I haven’t even noticed. We’re having a stationed dinner, though – no courses to worry about. So hopefully that will work out, but I’ll need to talk to my venue and DJ and see how that goes because that DOES sound unpleasant.

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8. By Jessi on May 17, 2010

   I miss it when there’s not a program, because I keep them. Which may be weird. Who knows?

   I would also miss a father daughter dance/mother son dance. Because they make me teary.

   I wouldn’t miss a card box, because I almost never take a card, but I went to a wedding once and the aunt of the bride spent the entire wedding carrying her card around wondering where to put it because there was no freakin’ box. I think that’s idiotic, but there you have it, some people need direction.

   I hate receiving lines. FYI.

   As for horror stories. I used to run sound in my church, and I was hired to run sound for a wedding. The ushers opened the door and the bride walked through the door and the groom started crying, which was cute at first, but by the time she got all the way down the aisle, he was openly sobbing and had to sit down. “Because she looked so *sob* beautiful! *Sob*” I have been a fan of the “first look” ever since. Not that most men are that idiotic.

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   TJ Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 10:21 am

   I feel so bad about how many people look forward to the parent dances! I just don’t think we’re going to be able to do it at all.

   Good point about the programs – I think that’s something I can worry about a bit later on, but I’ll start thinking about working and stuff. Maybe when I get the invites done, I’ll get matching programs.

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   Jessi Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 10:37 am

   You know. I’d miss it, but for selfish reasons. Let me tell you about my dad… My dad was never around and never really a big part of my life. He was a two phone call a year dad. Before I got married, it had been 9 years since I had last seen him. He showed up to my wedding and made a comment about giving me away. My grandpa and my stepdad who actually raised me, gave me away. Then, I did the father daughter dance with my stepdad. My dad asked me to dance later and I said okay, but I wasn’t happy about it. If it’s not something you feel like you can do without upsetting someone, then just skip it. Maybe find something else, like the toast mentioned above… Or just skip it. Just because a few guests would miss it, doesn’t mean you should stress over it.

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9. By Superjules on May 17, 2010

   I might remember details from a wedding if they stuck out to me– if anything was particularly spectacular OR horrendous. But other than that? I’ll just remember if I had a good time. And really all that takes is: good music, good food, good drinks, and the new couple looking like they are happy.

   I had never heard of the dollar dance until a friend of mine got married and had one. I don’t know if it’s traditional or what but it seems SUPER tacky to me!

   For me I guess there is sort of a continuum. There are things that I might NOTICE were missing and there are things I would MISS. Like I might notice that you didn’t do a first dance but I wouldn’t think it was a big deal. On the other hand if you didn’t serve alcohol I would notice AND CARE.

   I might notice if you didn’t do the bouquet toss but I wouldn’t miss it. Just something about OKAY ALL YOU SINGLE LADIES GET ON THE FLOOR is slightly humiliating. Also, I think the table visits are less awkward than a receiving line. People are shuffled and herded and you really only get a few seconds with everyone there’s a big bottleneck of people and the whole situation just feels unnatural to me.
   Everything else you said you were unsure about? Meh. I could take or leave.

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   TJ Reply:
   May 17th, 2010 at 10:35 am

   The single ladies thing… that’s what I don’t care for. I DO have some relatives who would be totally into it and have fun doing it, but I feel like… I should know how many people are comfortable doing it before even going into it, you know? I don’t want the DJ heckling people out there, and I don’t want anyone to feel conspicuous or obligated. I’ll take a pre-wedding poll!

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10. By megan on May 17, 2010

    The bouquet toss thing? HATE. HATE. HATE. Not that I have any strong opinions on it or anything. ha. I am (as of this moment) still unmarried, and getting called to the dance floor for the bouquet toss will send me straight to the bar instead (along with my boyfriend–I’m unmarried, not SINGLE). It’s like, “hey, let’s round up all my single friends/family and watch them make asses of themselves trying to catch my bouquet. Yeah, that’ll totally be hilarious!” Ugh.

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    TJ Reply:
    May 17th, 2010 at 10:35 am

    That’s exactly how I feel – I personally don’t want to participate in them. But I have relatives who would. Ugh. See, I don’t want to appear like I’m “above” doing anything, but I also don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. Weddings are HARD, yo.

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11. By Kimberly on May 17, 2010

    At my bouquet toss, I was horrified to see all of the divorced women of my family out there clamoring for it. There’s a great picture from my wedding of a 40-something year old divorcee leaping toward a 20-something single girl to try and snatch the bouquet.

    I’m divorced now, too so there’s no hate toward divorcees, but I’d certainly not go out there and “try again” so to speak. Ugh.

    We also had a 10-year-old boy go out for the garter toss. Glad he lost, too. The DJ encouraged it.

    I’d be happy if the bouquet/garter toss traditions disappeared entirely.

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    TJ Reply:
    May 17th, 2010 at 10:44 am

    I don’t think kids joining into the bouquet/garter toss thing is cute at ALL.

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12. By Skraps on May 17, 2010

    My two cents as a professional wedding goer (I am a minister and hace performed dozens of weddings)

    1.) NO UNITY CANDLE! EVER! Let me just point out nervous and clumsy (not you TJ of course) and fire do not mix! Add to the fact that wedding candles come from a special will not burn or stay burning type of candle. Usually ends in disaster.

    2.) First dance. You don’t have to dance. But their should be a song, you can shuffle around grabbing each others butts to the delight of your family. Father/Daughter, Mother/Son dance are a must. No discussion. Good news for you, your dad should lead so you just go where he pushes you. Phil is SOL.

    3.) Money dance. Nothing says love like I will sell you a dance with my new bride for a dollar, and if times get tough it shows she isn’t above prostitution. If you feel you need MORE money from your guests, a money tree near the gifts is acceptable, that way guests can pin cash/cards to it in lieu of gifts.

    4.) Most importantly have FUN! My wedding was pretty non-traditional 15 years ago. Had the reception in the social hall of a local historic fire house, booze flowing and party partying. No one remembers the wedding, but every one talks about how much fun the reception was. I mean those that ended the night with any memories at all.

    p.s. For the non-dancers out there. We did brief dance lessons and taught the crowd “The Virginia Reel” Kind of like a square dance, but fun not lame.

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    TJ Reply:
    May 17th, 2010 at 10:33 am

    1. I don’t think we’ll be doing one just because we’re going to have a pretty simple ceremony, but that is good information to keep in mind.

    2. See, that’s kind of what we’re not about at all. We’re either going to take dance lessons and dance, or just skip it. We don’t want to shuffle and butt grab for the entertainment of other people. The father/daughter, mother/son dance thing is likely going to end up being disappointing for a lot of people if it’s a “must” because, you know, not everyone has a mother and father, you know?

    3. I don’t want anything at all at my wedding that encourages guests to pull out their wallets. No dollar dance, no “auctioning” of anything, no cash bar, no money tree, nothing. It’s a personal thing for me. I understand that these things go over great for a lot of people, but for me, I’m throwing a party, I don’t want my guests shelling out for any aspect of it.

    4. Yes. That is pretty much entirely what we are going for!

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13. By beth on May 17, 2010

    I’m getting married this August, and I’m SO OVER the planning. I too am sick of hearing “It’s your day, do whatever you want!” because so far everyone who’s said that to me either meant 1)do what you want, as long as it’s also what *I* want or 2) “Do what you want”……”Oh, you don’t want to do THAT…”. NOT. HELPFUL.

    Anyway, back to your question, I certainly wouldn’t miss bouquet or garter tosses, and I also hate receiving lines and dollar dances. Anniversary dances can be ok, but only if they don’t go on forever. Mostly I would miss good music, food, and cake.

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    TJ Reply:
    May 17th, 2010 at 10:30 am

    “1)do what you want, as long as it’s also what *I* want”

    OH MY GOD EXACTLY!

    Everything is my choice as long as I make the right choice! Ha!

    People really discount the idea that a bride DOES WANT to please other people as well. Sure, I can barrel through and do what I want, but I DO want my mom to like my wedding and have facets of it that she really likes or approves of or enjoys. People forget that brides DO consider other people in the planning process and “do what you want” doesn’t always work, because often what I WANT is the opinions of other people so I can decide what’s best for everyone.

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14. By Ryan on May 17, 2010

    My beautiful fiancee and I are to be married in August and we are both totally not into the kissing on command tradition when people clink their glasses. We, however, have yet to figure out a way to accomplish this politely and avoid a situation of everyone clinking their glasses and looking at us expectantly while we sit and ignore them. How were you planning on getting around this?

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    TJ Reply:
    May 17th, 2010 at 10:28 am

    I’ve heard of the bride and groom kissing once and then indicating that from then on, every time a glass was clinked, they’d designate another couple to kiss for them.

    I don’t know! We’re struggling with it, too. One kind of assholey way I was thinking about doing it was when someone clinked their glasses, we’d turn and wave to them, really sincerely and energetically. Like, “Oh, hello!” and going back to what we were doing. I think that would be kind of hilarious, you know?

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    Alex Reply:
    May 17th, 2010 at 11:42 am

    Ryan – I *think* it’s your MC’s job to tell people about clinking glasses (or lack thereof). I’d make sure to have an alternative (like TJ’s suggestion of other couples kissing) to announce so that people don’t just start clinking becuase it’s “what you do.”

    We’re not doing a clinking glasses thing and I’m planning on having the MC announce our alternative (another couple needs to get up and kiss to have us kiss) at the beginning of the reception.

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    MLO Reply:
    May 24th, 2010 at 7:00 am

    To stop the kissing thing, my husband and I got teddy bears dressed as bride and groom and had them kiss after our initial kiss. (I have food allergies, so if my husband wanted to eat certain foods, we weren’t able to kiss.) It stopped the clinking quickly.

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15. By Carrie on May 17, 2010

    I would miss the bouquet toss, but NOT the garter thing. If the groom wants to throw it, fine, but please for the love of GOD don’t do the thing where you put it on the leg of the girl who caught the bouquet and make the guy who caught it take it off.

    That happened to me when I was like 14 or so at my cousin’s wedding. There’s a picture of it somewhere at my mom’s house and I’m practically purple with embarassment. The guy was in his late 20′s probably, and when they got him out to put the garter on me, someone thought they’d be funny and were like, “Yeah man, be careful, her dad’s a lawyer!” So he just like, hung it on my ankle and took it right back off. I’m blushing again just thinking about it!

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    TJ Reply:
    May 17th, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    I definitely don’t think kids should be involved in that at ALL. I actually didn’t want kids at the wedding at all, but that wasn’t going to work out.

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16. By Leah @ L4L on May 17, 2010

    Food and booze are priority in my book. Everything else… whatevs.

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    TJ Reply:
    May 17th, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Ha. Those were the first things we lined up. Good food, open bar. Done and done.

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17. By Tami on May 17, 2010

    I was in the wedding of my best friend from college. She, too, opted for the traditional wedding route, and these are the things I remember.

    1) The rehearsal dinner was gorgeous – very close, very warm, very intimate. The speeches at the dinner made me get all weepy-eyed. Also, I wasn’t close to either of their families, so I was placed at a table with some mutal friends and her sister, which was extra thoughtful on her part, since I know she had a million things to plan and making sure I sat next to someone I was comfortable with wasn’t her priority. I remember that.

    2) The cake was pretty.

    3) The actual wedding dinner was excessively foofy and honestly probably the most expensive terrible dinner I’ve ever had. I feel bad that the food offered was so substandard (it came from the hotel catering staff) but I did NOT feel that it in any way ruined the evening.

    4) The bride and groom spent a LONG time during the dinner (in between courses) walking from table to table, saying hello, thanking people for coming, giving hugs, and spreading joy. That was AMAZING and easily the highlight of the day for me. They made every single person who came to the wedding feel more than just invited – they made them feel welcome. It was a treat to watch the two of them connect with each other’s families.

    5) Dancing – there was hours of dancing, and the bride and groom had FUN with it. They weren’t constantly on the dance floor, but the bride lost her corset and did a dance with some high school friends from some event or prom they’d attended (I think it was to Car Wash song). It was hilarious and made everyone in the room relax and laugh and clap.

    6) Speeches. Tissues and waterproof mascara required.

    7) The bathrooms had these care baskets in them that BLEW. MY. MIND. private ladythings, spray on deoderant, tide pens, pins, combs, hairthingies, clear nail polish for hose runs – very thorough, and saved the day for several guests, if what I was overhearing was true.

    8) As the bride and groom left the party hall, we all lined up and cheered them on the way to their hotel room. Lots of fun, even though we were all tired. A great cap to the night.

    9) Thank heavens for receptions in hotels. So many drunken people. Even sober, it was such an incredible relief to just walk to my room and collapse on the bed right after the party.

    10) Bride care kits. We had a little craft box full of chalk (to cover last minute dress oopses), hairpins, womenstuff, chocolates, mints, floss, safety pins, etc. Also, she had a pair of white house slippers that she slipped on after the ceremony, so that she was comfortable during the reception. Nobody noticed, except that she was much happier and more relaxed.

    That’s what I remember, from what I would easily say was the best wedding I’ve attended. Hopefully some of that is helpful. =]

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    TJ Reply:
    May 17th, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    My mom is ALL ABOUT the bathroom baskets. That’s her thing. She is totally on top of that. I love them too.

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18. By Natalie on May 17, 2010

    I think the biggest thing to remember is not to stress – if something turns out not quite right, you and Phil are the only ones who will really know so who cares?
    I think programs are a waste unless you are having a bunch of people do readings and sing and stuff. I never know what to do with them after.
    Bouquet and garter toss – totally not necessary. If you love your bouquet, keep it and dry it. At my wedding a 3 year old girl caught my bouquet and my sister’s gay friend caught the garter. Totally pointless.
    I think you have to do a first dance – people came there to see you, whether you can dance or not. This gives everyone a moment to sigh and coo over you, and then get on with the party. Parents dances are negotiable. You could dance with Phil’s dad or he with your mom or whatever – that’s a nice “welcome to the family” deal – but not necessary. Nobody came to see your parents, just you.
    Totally agree on the dollar dance and the cake-smashing. Sux.
    I disagree on the cheesy music – you have to have the electric slide and maybe the chicken dance. I can’t dance at all, being rhythm-free, but I will bust out an electric slide at every wedding. It’s fun and old people and kids can join in.
    Best of luck to you!!

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    TJ Reply:
    May 17th, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    There’s a lot of mixed ideas on the group dance kind of songs. Some people feel like they’re really necessary because they get people dancing, and other people flat out haaaaate them.

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    Natalie Reply:
    May 17th, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    Well, I can say I don’t remember doing it at my own wedding, but have definitely enjoyed it at other peoples’. On the other hand, at my wedding we had this “friend” of my mom’s who was the most obnoxious person. She wore an enormous Kentucky-derby style hat and forced her husband to twirl her around to EVERY song. She made a real spectacle of herself…

    Not sure what my point here is, just reminiscing I guess!

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19. By Stephanie on May 17, 2010

    Hello,

    I think I’ve only posted once before on your blog, but I just wanted to say:

    Your wedding reception will go by very fast, so if you’re thinking about something “eh, I could take it or leave it and Phil doesn’t care either”, I’d say leave it. If you plan too many activities, your time with guests and with your new husband will be shorter. It’s short enough already. :)

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    TJ Reply:
    May 17th, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    Excellent advice, definitely!

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20. By Natalie on May 17, 2010

    Oh yeah, one horror story: I once attended a wedding where my husband was in the wedding party but I was not. Somehow the bride’s dad was the bridezilla (I guess because he was paying) and he made me sit at the “we didn’t know where else to put these people” table, far away from my husband, who was the only person I knew there except the bride and groom. So think about that in your seating!

    Also at that same wedding, their unity candle caught the altar netting stuff on fire, so I would agree on no unity candle!

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    TJ Reply:
    May 17th, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Oh gracious. We are definitely working very hard to avoid that situation.

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21. By Wendy on May 17, 2010

    I hate the dollar dance and super sexualized garter removal stuff, so good on you for skipping those.

    I think I would notice and wonder about it if a bride and groom didn’t kiss during the ceremony. Nothing wrong with that, of course, just not something I’ve ever seen skipped in the 20+ weddings I’ve been to.

    I for sure wouldn’t miss toasts. Most people are not good public speakers and toasts are just as likely to be awkward/long winded/boring as they are to be funny/heart warming/good.

    I think ceremony programs would only highlight the tradtional things you might be leaving out, if that makes sense. I’d especially notice if there was no first kiss on the ceremony program.

    The key things that must be at the wedding: a happy bride and groom and food (that is served promptly so I am not starving for hours).

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    TJ Reply:
    May 17th, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    There will definitely be plenty of food, all night long. Big priority.

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22. By Seamus on May 17, 2010

    The first dance issue: one way to ease that is to ask family & friends (before the big day) to join in with the first dance after the first minute or so.

    I really dislike the ‘receiving line’ It’s boring for guests, you can’t mingle properly and it takes forever! I’d much rather do the table visits as they’re much quicker and more fun to do. You don’t have to repeat the same ‘great to see you, thank you for coming’ tedious small talk for each and every guest. You have plenty of time to see everyone individually throughout the rest of the night.

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    TJ Reply:
    May 17th, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    Since we’re not dancing types, table visits will definitely work better for us. We’ll have plenty of time.

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23. By Lindsay on May 17, 2010

    As far as the garter/bouqet toss goes I don’t enjoy it. Friends of mine instead had all of the couples come out on the dance floor and eliminated them by how many years they had been married. (Leave the dance floor if you have been married less than one year, two years, five years, 10 years, and so on). This should leave the grandparents as the longest standing and hopefully (as it was at this wedding) they will be AWESOME dancers because back in their day they did other dances besides the bump-n-grind.

    My wedding ceremony was 5 minutes long. No prayer, no God, just reciting of basic vows, I do’s, and a kiss! :o) I barely remember even THAT so I wonder why people spend so much time talking etc. when they will forget what they even said in the long run!

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24. By cindy w on May 17, 2010

    We threw our wedding together fast because my husband’s family lives in England, they had plane tickets purchased for a visit, and it turned into a “hey, as long as they’re here, why don’t we get married?” (Because odds were, they wouldn’t be able to afford to fly back 6 months later.) So, the wedding planning took place in 11 weeks. We did some things totally traditional: the white dress & tux, the vows, the big reception, etc. And we did some non-traditional stuff – i.e., no first dance (we don’t dance), our “DJ” was a bunch of songs we liked burned on several CDs (my brother was in charge of changing them), etc. A lot of our non-traditional stuff happened not because of a need to be different, but because we just didn’t have time to plan that extra stuff.

    Stuff I like at weddings? The vows, the big kiss, a lot of food, and some cake. That’s about all I require to enjoy the event.

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25. By Tammy on May 17, 2010

    We had a themed wedding that was a lot of fun and people still talk about it almost 16 years later. :-) Our theme was 1800s and our bridesmaids/groomsmen wore costumes. Anyway, that isn’t my point, what I wanted to mention was that we brought in a gambling casino for entertainment and it totally overshadowed the dancing, so if you were considering avoiding dancing altogether, you might consider a secondary activity like that. Everyone had a ball, even though no real money was involved. :-)

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26. By Aunt Dani on May 17, 2010

    I have to confess I stopped reading comments about halfway through, but… geez people can be pretty insensitive about the mother/son father/daughter thing. Not everyone has a family situation that will allow these traditions, emotionally or logistically or whatever. I guess I’m still a little raw about my wedding coordinator yelling at the top of her lungs at rehearsal that we can’t get started without my (deceased) father.

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    TJ Reply:
    May 17th, 2010 at 11:41 am

    I am trying to be as diplomatic as possible in my responses to those comments, but I am also surprised to see how many people are adamant that they HAVE to happen. Especially with “abnormal” family situations being more normal than normal family situations these days.

    Anyway, I’m not dragging out family histories on the Internet, but I’m just saying, anyone attending our wedding probably already knows not to hold their breath.

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    Rainkat Reply:
    May 18th, 2010 at 9:09 am

    Okay, we had a small wedding reception, no food, minimal seating, and there was music, but I don’t think there was any dancing. I know that one of the highlights for my husband was getting up on the platform and playing his tuba/euphonium with friends.

    The whole, you gotta do the dance, is complete bull. Do I wish I had done a single dance with my husband, yes, but that is more because I don’t feel we have a “song”. However, I had the situation that my father refuses to dance, ever. He never danced at his wedding, and absolutely refuses to dance at any of his daughters weddings. I was the 2nd out of 3 daughters to get married. So, no, father/daughter dance is not required. Basically do what you feel is right about those kind of things.

    The whole “song” thing made me think at the last wedding I attended. The DJ took requests, and each married couple (in their family) danced to “their” song. I thought it rather touching that his parents requested the grandparent’s song even though they had passed.

    Oh, unity candles, can be pretty. It sounds like you don’t want them, but if you did, check with the venue before you assume anything. One church lady called them “penis” candles to my sister when she was looking for wedding locations. Only thing I dislike is the symbolism if the two smaller candles are snuffed after the middle one is lit. We did have them at our wedding, however, all three stayed lit. It was a nice way to include both sets of parents in the ceremony. However, lighter issues can be a real pain there.

    Long way to say I agree with you on the dancing.

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27. By Alex on May 17, 2010

    THIS, TJ, is fantastic. I’m really enjoying reading the comments.

    Do you know what I would miss at a wedding? And this is totally against what most people think – speeches! I love them. I love the stories, the laughs and especially the tears. But maybe I’ve just been lucky and haven’t gone to a wedding where people don’t know how to talk in front of a room.

    Oh, and I also love the YMCA. But only at the end of the night once everyone’s right hammered.

    I had never heard of a Dollar Dance until I started looking at wedding stuff online. It must be a regional thing. I don’t dig it, though.

    As for boquet toss – I’m getting a small “throw away” boquet made so that I don’t have to lose my flowers (I’d like to dry them out and keep them forever – flowers are expensive, yo!).

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    Alex Reply:
    May 17th, 2010 at 11:58 am

    Bouquet*! Learn to spell, Alex. Geez.

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28. By Kara on May 17, 2010

    I might be in the minority, but I HATE the idea of the head table. You have your wedding party separate from their dates, and everyone looking at you as you try to eat. Let your wedding party sit with their dates. Have a family table instead, and have the bride and groom sit with their parents or siblings, or whoever fits at the table. Plus it really cuts down on the whole glass clinking, because the bride and groom aren’t up front and apart from everyone else.

    Wedding favors- Give me something to eat, or give me nothing at all. As a guest, I will never listen to your custom wedding songs CD, keep the tiny picture frame, or any of the other plastic crap that people like to hand out at these things.

    Long Speeches- Have the DJ intervene when someone starts to ramble, have a list of who is allowed to give speeches, and make sure the DJ knows who those people are.

    Slideshow/Video- If you have one of these, just let it play on a wall or something during cocktail hour. Don’t make people sit through a 15-20 minute documentary of “Our Life Together” that your cousin made for her film class project. Trust me, no one is thrilled.

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29. By Delicia on May 17, 2010

    Ok, speaking from my experiences (hellooo.. married 3 times here, though only one was a big fancy production):

    1. You don’t like to dance? Don’t Dance! For my fancy wedding, I convinced my brother (it didn’t take much, he’s such an attention whore) who is a rather talented musician to bring his acoustic guitar, and he sang us a song he had recently written, and my husband and I did a slow dance together. That was it. Granted, we had a Renaissance wedding, so our musicians were live and playing a dulcimer and mandolin, but even then we didn’t want any other dancing.

    2. Cake. A pretty cake is good for pics, a *delicious* cake is memorable. We had a friend of mine who has her own cake business make ours, which was both pretty AND yummy, and we got SO many compliments on it being moist, and delicious! We actually had her make it half white, and half chocolate. I prefer chocolate, but I knew of at least one grandparent coming that didn’t, and I assumed there may be other weirdos out there that preferred something other than chocolate too. It worked out well. Cake-face-smashing is BAD, we agreed before not to do that. Though my husband did manage to tag my nose with frosting, the brat.

    3. We did the garter/bouquet thing. I wish we hadn’t. Herding people into the area, trying to drag out “eligible” people esp the guys that would rather drink poison than actually CATCH a garter that I had been wearing on my sweaty thigh and symbolized the potential death of their bachelor ways. Ugh. Then I threw the bouquet we had made for it, and a friend of mine who was carrying her 6 week old baby girl decided she wanted to try to catch it FOR her, and danged if she didn’t.. bouquet neatly THOMP right on the baby. Awkward.

    4. Good food, finger foods, and foods YOU like. We had our place cater our food, and they made a huge variety of finger foods that didn’t require silverware and fit our wedding theme. Little chicken legs, bacon-wrapped goodies, puffs with veggie stuffing etc. I also had a stuffed mushrooms (which I adore) recipe I liked so they made it for me. I love going to a wedding where it’s not all pasta salad and potato salad or macaroni salad. EW.

    5. Don’t do a long, drawn-out ceremony. I’ve been to one Catholic wedding. It was painful. Do the “I do’s”.. I do like the kiss cause it’s kind of a “Seal the deal” thing and then get me to the food/drinks/music/socializing!

    6. The shake-the-keys or tap-the-glasses to force the groom to rush over and kiss the bride — UGH! Not only is it annoying as shit to hear every 4 minutes, but it’s disruptive and in my opinion completely FAKE.

    7. For my wedding, it was outdoor, but I made it quite clear it was non-smoking. I’m very sensitive to cigarette smoke (makes me sick as a sick dog), so it wasn’t an option. May be a moot point for you since your stuff sounds indoor and I bet the facility is non-smoking.

    8. I’ve heard of the “dollar a dance” thing. It makes me shudder to consider it. Yet another good reason to NOT have dancing. If you’re trying to raise money then tell people you want money as a wedding gift. ;)

    9. We had a family member designated as the “gift collector”.. they gathered up all the epic Loots at the end of the wedding shingdig and brought them back to our house, and then it was just close family that came over after and we opened it with them. I don’t think you need to open stuff in front of EVERYONE, but I did make sure to send Thank You cards to everyone that gave a gift once we got back from the honeymoon.

    10. Formal receiving line – no thanks! Tedious, slow, jammed.. better to just mingle and visit around like someone earlier said.

    Sorry to be so long-winded.

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    Katie Reply:
    May 18th, 2010 at 10:33 am

    I don’t mean to be a pill, but as a Catholic? The ceremony’s the wedding. Everything else is a bonus.

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    Delicia Reply:
    May 18th, 2010 at 10:48 am

    Yeah I figured someone would comment on my comment. *shrug* I’m just giving MY opinion.. not being Catholic, I didn’t “get” a lot of it (“wait.. we have to stand up now? what? sit down now.. huh??”) and it seemed to drag on forever. Obviously if that’s what’s you want for your wedding, that’s what you should do! Just don’t be surprised if you have a long ceremony, regardless of denomination, to have people esp little kids fidgeting.

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    Katie Reply:
    May 18th, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    I totally understand the confusion about the Catholic aerobics–the Church is pretty cool about having the short version (rite only, not the whole Mass) if most of the guests/bride/ groom aren’t Catholic. Heck, I’m not having the Mass either (fiance’s patience with ceremony only goes so far) but if the couple’s on top of their game, they’ll have all the “moves” in the worship aid, and maybe a little explanation about why. They should also be open and encourage those who don’t do ceremony to just come to the reception and celebrate with them.

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30. By Beruthiel on May 17, 2010

    What about the chicken dance? I don’t know if this is just a midwest wedding tradition (I didn’t see it listed in your things) but I know that it ends up being a lot of fun for everyone, and that the smaller members of the wedding party (flower girl/ring bearer) think it’s great. Not to mention there is nothing better than watching a bunch of grown people doing the chicken dance. Most definately a favorite of mine for weddings that I always participate in!

    As for something you did mention: The Dollar Dance. When I got married (now divorced) we kinda took the route that you did “no way in hell”. But in hindsight, like the chicken dance, it’s something that people are accustomed to (at least in the midwest), and I later learned that some people had saved up their “dollars” for over a month to give us some extra spending money on our honeymoon…and we didn’t do the damn dollar dance.

    Now, while normally I might not care, and I hate dancing and conversing with people that I don’t really know very well at all…when push comes to shove, I do regret that I didn’t do the dollar dance. I feel bad that people had cared enough about wishing me well that they cut back on their grocery budget and what not to be able to give me a little something extra, and I couldn’t be arsed to dance with them for a minute or two.

    In the end, even though while planning I was dead set against it, I do regret that decision.

    But in hindsight, I should have taken the 20 minutes and danced with people who wanted to wish me well, and I regret not having done so.

    I’m not saying that *you* should do the Dollar Dance, I just wanted to give some feedback from someone who said “no way” and then how I felt about it when all was said and done.

    Oh…and I don’t know if you are considering it or not…but candid disposable cameras on the tables were wonderful. It might seem cheesy, but I enjoyed the pictures taken by my friends and relatives almost more than the ones I paid obscene amounts of money to the photographer for. The people who truly know me were able to “capture” me better than the guy that met me for an hour in his office during the booking.

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31. By Gel on May 17, 2010

    Some thoughts in no particular order,

    For the first dance thing, one thing I’ve seen is rather than a first dace, is just the ‘presentation’ of the new couple. When you arrive at the reception/cocktail hour, the DJ just does a little ‘Now presenting for the first time Mr. and Mrs. Awesome’ and a little music plays, and then everyone can get on with the food and fun.

    On the parent dance thing, I’ve been to several wedding that skipped that part. Talk to your DJ about how you plan to have the wedding flow. Particularly if you and Phil don’t plan to have a first dance, there will not be a place in the flow of the evening where the family dance would be, so people are less likely to miss it. Does that make sense?

    For the glass clinking/kiss thing, when my best friend gor married she was against that whole thing also. I can’t remember if they made an announcement, but she and her husband didn’t kiss they just waved, people got the hit pretty fast.

    I feel like I’ve written a novel, so I’ll close with a wedding horror story. So I was in a wedding, and one of the bridesmaid’s came from California (wedding was on the east coast) and rather than put her dress in her luggage, the bridesmaid put it in a box and US mailed it to the bride. It never arrived. So the day before the wedding the maid of honor ended up getting a second dress, in a slightly different color and style from the rest of the bridesmaids, while the rest of the bridesmaids swapped and had their dresses refitted so that all of the wedding party would have something to wear.

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32. By Rachelle on May 17, 2010

    I beg to differ about the whole “indie” classification.

    I made my bridesmaids choose their own dresses in their own styles, in their own colors, because I got frustrated trying to pick dresses that flattered all of them, and that none of them hated.

    I handmade my invitations (but didn’t bother actually sending most of them). I am crafty, and used this as an excuse to spend money at Michaels.

    We had cakes from the grocery store, mostly because my husband doesn’t like chocolate cake, and I’m can’t justify spending $200.00 or more on a cake unless it’s chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream icing and a layer of chocolate crunchies.

    We used my husband’s ipod for music because we live in a rural area, and bringing a DJ out would have cost more than the meal for 60 people, once they factored in mileage both ways.

    My dress was a $99.00 special that I found literally two days before the wedding, because I am both fat and cheap, and couldn’t force myself to shell out more than a thousand dollars to buy a dress I’d wear for a few hours, one day out of my life.

    By your standards, I guess we had an indie, gag-worthy, too sexy for our wedding, wedding, but in reality, the name of the game at our wedding was “cheap and easy” not “cool and indie”.

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33. By MommiePie on May 17, 2010

    A good photographer that will take candid shots that sort of document the entire day is worth their weight in gold.

    Good food – and enough of it!

    Good music.

    No seat assignments. Let people sit where they want!

    Also, I did a sweetheart table for just me and my husband. That way the wedding party could sit with their significant others.

    And, pass the mic around during toast time. Some of my wedding’s most memorable and hilarious moments are from the “gallery” comments.

    Make sure you eat before the ceremony. Just, trust me.

    And, have FUN. It is the biggest party you’ll ever throw in your life. It will be so awesome!

    Congrats!

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34. By Leanne on May 17, 2010

    Lots of great stuff here!

    programs…meh

    First dance…YES

    Toasts…meh

    garter and bouquet…meh

    Father/daughter dance…meh

    First Kiss…YES at the ceremony. I would remember if you DIDN’T
    I like the idea of standing up and cheering when someone clinks their glasses. After a couple of clinks people will get the message.

    Recieving line… no, too impersonal and time consuming.

    Table visits… YES,YES,YES At my own wedding we did a recieving line and I don’t remember anyone. There were a few people who didnt make the wedding itself but came to the reception…some of them I never got to visit with. That was my biggest regret.

    ****Put a disposable camera (or 2) at every table, you will get some of the best pictures from those! and they can fill in gaps that the photographer may miss.****

    Don’t have the music too loud. I don’t dance and I hate when I go to a reception and I can’t talk to the people at my own table because the music is too loud. You can go dancing at a loud nightclub any day of the week but, I like to catch up with people I haven’t seen in ages.

    I had someone I trusted look out for “that guy”. You know… the one that has too much to drink and makes a fool of himself. Noone wants to be “that guy”

    My favorite memory from my reception:
    The DJ played “Twist and Shout” and a couple of the guys in the wedding party did “the worm” on the dance floor! definitely the highlight of the night.

    Enjoy yourselves, you only get THIS wedding once, so don’t stress.

    Good food!!! and don’t wait too long to cut the cake.

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35. By Miss Grace on May 17, 2010

    I think the money dance is SUPER fucking tacky, and I hate it HATE IT whenever it happens. My sister didn’t do a first dance either, and no one really seem to notice or care.
    I don’t think flowers really matter that much, if they don’t matter to you. Ditto with fancy place cards and what not. Programs can be neat for people who don’t know everyone in the wedding party etc.

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36. By Katie on May 17, 2010

    In defense of the DIYpod wedding, sometimes it’s not for indiespecific reasons. Some of us are just, um…well, cheap. Until you discover that not only is it more stressful, but also happens to be more effing expensive. But our initial intent was just to be cheap, not special!

    Really, except for the vows, the first dance and parent dances are the only things I’d miss. Meal? Whatever. Dancing? If I want to get down with my bad self, I’ll go to a bar after the wedding. But the first dance is big, because you have to judge the couple based on the song they chose (just makes you want to jump on the dance floor, doesn’t it? Or play something like “Baby Got Back”) and the “thanks for everything, Mom/Dad; hubs/wifey will take care of me now” dance.

    On the list of DO NOTS: open mic. The whole pass-the-mic-to-everyone thing, especially with an open bar, is just asking for drunken stories that no one wants to hear. Case in point? At my little brother’s wedding (he’d been dating his wife for 8 years) the bride’s male roommate made a handover manual (Navy thing) listing all of the little quirky things about her that my bro “was now” responsible for. He even brought up her mood swings at “that time of the month.” It was 10 minutes long, she was furious, we were all embarassed for her, and for him because it was a “reasons I’m so jealous that she picked you and not me” list. No open mic. Resist!

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37. By Caroline on May 17, 2010

    Whatever you do, don’t let your guests get bored. Last wedding I went to I had to stay the whole time because I was in it but we were BORED as soon as we were done eating. It was paid for by the bride’s Southern Baptist parents, so no drinking and no dancing unless you were married, so we seriously had to sit quitely at the one table reserved for people under 40 throughout the reception… complete opposite of yours! But “will this bore the guests” can’t be a bad way to make decisions on things you don’t really have feelings about, right?

    I would miss the kiss. It’s generally the first time that day the bride & groom look happy and not about to puke from nerves. Even a short kiss is cool.

    The first dance doesn’t have to be a whole song. You could dance for a few seconds to get the pictures and look cute for the guests and your bridesmaids or whoever could jump in to make it less about you. I don’t think I would miss it though.

    To me, reception lines are really formal and boring. It’s very weird when the bride and groom and bridesmaids and flower girl and groomsmen and ushers and parents of everyone involved are in the line. Most guests won’t know everyone and there’s always someone who stops and tries to have a 20 minute conversation with the bride and it gets awkward when that happens and you’re stuck next to random bridesmaid you’ve never met because she’s an old high school friend and you really only know the groom. So, I wouldn’t miss that. I like that going around to tables gives you the bride/groom the chance to take as much or as little time with everyone as they want, no pressure.

    Speeches and toasts? There’s some good ones but I’ve seen enough bad/long/boring ones that I would NOT miss them. One or two is good, but everyone trying to do it just gets old.

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    Natalie Reply:
    May 17th, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    I would agree about the receiving line. Table visits are way better because as I said above, people want to see you and Phil and also – the ring!! People want to gush in a semi-personal way.

    I have been to a wedding with a receiving line for a work acquaintance, and it was so awkward hugging a bride I didn’t know in the hot June sun. Awkward for her as well.

    Team table visits all the way.

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38. By Kylie on May 17, 2010

    I’m not a huge fan of the whole flower toss thing. It sets my teeth on edge. However, I bowed to the public pressure thing, and did the toss at our wedding, only to have one of my bridesmaids bitch and moan, and LEAVE because my husbands 60-something widowed great-aunt caught it!!!

    A few days later, I got a phone call from said aunt, asking me to drive her to the cemetary (we didnt’ do a honeymoon straigh away), where she put the bouquet on my husbands grandmothers grave and ‘introduced’ me to her. It was an incredibly touching thing for her to do, and if I’d known that’s what she was planning, I’d have handed off my iris’ without a backwards look.

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    Angelya Reply:
    May 17th, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    Oh, how beautiful.. *wipe tear* :)

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39. By Swistle on May 17, 2010

    I’m disappointed if there isn’t a bouquet toss. I’m disappointed if the bride doesn’t walk down the aisle so that everyone can stand up and I can burst into tears from the drama/emotion.

    I like a receiving line (though I wouldn’t say I was disappointed if there wasn’t one) because I like to hug everybody at once and then turn my attention to the par-tay.

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40. By Swistle on May 17, 2010

    Reading comments.

    1. Wait wait wait. You’re thinking of skipping the kiss at the end of the marriage ceremony? I didn’t realize I’d miss that, but now I realize I would. I like the kiss. Though not so much that it would Ruin The Wedding. (The clinking glasses I could skip, but I’m not sure what I’d do if I were the bride and people were clinking. I like the idea of choosing another couple who has to kiss, but also ack and awk. I think I would just do a nice little peck-kiss and get it over with.)

    2. Children in the bouquet/garter toss: GROSS.

    3. The mother/son and father/daughter dances always seemed a little icky to me, but don’t tell any of the people whose weddings I attended that I said so.

    Okay, giving up on the comments. Too many. But I don’t care one bit about dancing stuff. And the bouquet toss is only fun if it’s presented as “Anyone who wants to” with no heckling, but I thought that was obvious. Like saying the kiss at the alter is only fun if it’s not a gross tongue kiss. Heckling is automatically awful, as is anything super-sexy.

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41. By Angelya on May 17, 2010

    Wow, so many great comments :)

    I just wanted to add that a few friends of mine went the whole deal and had dancing lessons before the event so that they could have a special choreographed “first dance”. Even though they were quite lovely, it was a little bit cheesy and kind of over the top, you know?

    You don’t have to dance if you don’t want to, and if you feel you are expected to, you are allowed to have as many people on the dance floor with you for you first dance. Make your wedding party go up with you!

    In any case, the only thing that matters is that you both enjoy the day and the evening. The planning gets stressful but it will be sooo worth it on the day :)

    Um, what on earth is a dollar dance?

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42. By Amanda on May 17, 2010

    Random and wordy personal experiences that may or may not be helpful:

    1. First Dance. We had someone choreograph/teach us a ‘learners’ version of the last Dirty Dancing song. Had an absolute riot of a time learning/doing that.

    2. Tables. Didn’t just auto seat family together. Mixed people in with their friends/age-groups. Disposable cameras on the table were mostly woeful as far as album quality, however it did give us a hilarious recap of the night and captured ALOT of random goings-on that we had missed completely.

    3. DJ. Our DJ handed out request cards to each table at the start of the night. He also spent about 3mins of the ‘filling time before food’ period challenging people to name a song he couldn’t play. Chaos erupted, Oldies knocked over chairs and glasses in their haste. Needless to say, the DJ won :p. Aside from that, he managed a great balance of our requests/floor requests/appropriateness/volume throughout the night.

    Things we fudged:
    1. Parents dance. My parents didn’t want fanfare; his parents didn’t want to dance officially at all. We did our stuff to the first half of the bridal waltz song, then the dj invited everyone up. I strolled over and grabbed my dad, hubby grabbed my mum.. the fog machine had gone nuts, lots of people were up and we just shuffled around with everyone else till the end of the song!

    2. Speeches. I only invited three people to speak. I knew these people would put a little thought into it and be able to manage entertaining/reflective. Mostly, I trusted them to pull out only the regular embarrassing stories.. not the moronically inappropriate, melt through the floor kind.

    3. Bouquet/Garter. Eww. No, just NO.

    4. Desert. My pet hate at weddings is that alternate meal thing.. where the people either side of you have something awesome looking, whilst yours looks like garbage. Dinner was a buffet for this reason. Wedding cake was cut shortly after dinner and plated up with some other cheesecake shop beverages that we’d picked out. The venue just prettied them up with whipped cream and a strawberry. Was tasty and cheap.. plus people got to pick what they actually wanted (was even seconds for those so inclined)!

    Basically I refused to do anything that would make myself, or anyone else horribly uncomfortable (hence 1-4 on the fudged list).. there was enough chance of completely random mortification already. Hors d’oeuvres were served as soon as we hit the reception because *I* was starving. We had all of our photos done at the reception venue.. being made to wait hours to eat because some photographer got overly creative just sucks. Lastly, whatever the makeup chick did to set my lipstick was *unreal*.. it stuck like glue ALL night through kisses and food, no topups necessary!

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    Natalie Reply:
    May 18th, 2010 at 6:21 am

    *thumbs up* totally agree with all of this.

    Another horror, for spouses of the wedding party, please do NOT take the wedding party off in a party bus to take photos and get drunk in between ceremony and reception, leaving spouses in an unfamiliar part of town with hours to kill. That is all.

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43. By Evie on May 17, 2010

    I know I have only posted a few times, but I have to say that I would REALLY miss the kiss! I know it’s sappy, but that is part of what makes it fun!

    I don’t know how many kids are going to be there, but for most kids the kiss is the part they are going to look forward to the most! When my older cousin got married, my little sisters would rewind the video to them kissing over and over and over…

    But it’s whatever you feel comfortable with. I am not a big public kisser by any means, but I think I could manage a short sweet kiss after the vows just to seal the deal : )

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44. By Julie on May 17, 2010

    One thing people liked about our wedding was that we had organised entertainment (string quartet for a garden wedding) and finger food to keep people entertained while we went off and did the photo thing between the wedding and the reception. The DJ would work as well.

    Depends on your guests, but we made sure we had lots of non-alcoholic beverages available (and some sparkling grape juice for toasts) for those that don’t drink.

    We had a video camera set up for people to leave comments on, but only about 1/4-1/3 of the guests did. Wouldn’t bother with that again. The disposable cameras on the tables had some funny shots :)

    We spent 1/3 of our wedding budget on the photographer + album, and were NOT disappointed. He was fabulous, and the album is unbelievably awesome and brings back the day so vividly.

    We had lessons for the first dance, but were still horribly awkward when it came down to it.

    Big tip – baby wipes are fantastic for getting stains off wedding dresses – just dab dab dab. Gets grass stains, engine grease (can’t beleive a hired wedding car would have grease near where brides would be getting into said car with white dress!), and lots of other stuff off as long as you get to it quickly.

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45. By Kelly on May 18, 2010

    I don’t care for participating in those bouquet tosses either. And since my daughter was the only unmarried non-me person at my wedding, and she was only SEVEN, I didn’t bother tossing my bouquet. Instead, I pulled the wrappings off the flowers and stuck them in a vase. They looked nice for about another week.

    I’ve been to only one wedding with a receiving line, and it was pretty awkward. The space wasn’t really appropriate for it, the line was out the door with everyone getting fidgety. Table visiting is more personal.

    I find it really romantic when couples write their own vows… as long as they don’t write a book or ramble on for hours. But using the officiant’s standard blurbs have turned out quite well, also.

    We didn’t have a First Dance. Neither of us dance. I could probably fake it if I tried, but my spousal unit has two left feet, both of which are deformed. And neither of actually enjoy dancing (ooh, except for Country Line Dancing, which I do like). So.

    Food is only memorable if it’s incredibly bad.

    And here’s another nay vote for open mic!

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46. By Amie on May 18, 2010

    Best advice I ever got

    1) stick together at the reception so you have the same memories of the day and get to talk to the same people otherwise you could end up spending the whole night pulled apart except for the first dance

    2) Do not drink until like 10pm. We had a glass of champagne with our toast but held off on anything else until much much later in our reception. We didn’t want the night to be a drunken blur. I wish I had asked the same of my maid of honor – we have pics of her getting a bottle poured in her mouth laying on the bar. Now the after party in my bro in law’s suite? That was something else – we drank lots and had a total blast! and since I started late, I still remember it!

    Another thing I am so glad of – we had our wedding and our reception at a hotel so the party started as soon as the ceremony was over and continued straight through the night. I assume by reading you that you’re not the churchy type so maybe you can do that. I’ve been to friends’ weddings where you are driving all over the place and it’s a pain.

    I think lots of flowers are a waste of money – no one will remember them and they are bloody expensive. We only had the bouquets and boutonierres but we had a mountain setting so we didn’t have a lack of foliage at the ceremony. Have two photographers – the formal kind and the photojournalistic style. I’m glad I have the formal pics but the PJ photos are my favorite now. We are also super happy we got a video of the ceremony and the reception highlights. He got my 90 yo gma-in-law grooving to Eminem’s Without Me and without the video, I never would have seen it. We have an edited/produced video but I also asked for a DVD of the uncut footage – that is fun to watch too.

    Most importantly, it’s a day about you and Phil – not your mother, your sister (if you have one?), your best friend, your future mother-in-law etc etc etc. Keep remembering that.

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47. By jodifur on May 19, 2010

    I had a super formal, 300 person, black tie, you name it, every tradition followed thingie.

    But i skipped the bouquet toss and garter throw. I didn’t even wear a garter. B/c no. And no one missed it. No one even asked.

    I’ve never even been to a wedding with a dollar dance.

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48. By Bernie on May 19, 2010

    Things That Do Not Belong in Weddings
    1. Children in the wedding party. They never perform as directed. A 5 year old flowergirl crying during the entire vow ceremony makes a great memory.
    2. Cake face smashing. Only allowed if your reception is in a double-wide trailer 6 miles down a dirt road next to Bumfuk Creek.
    3. Dollar dance. See above for exception.
    4. Pranks of any kind. If the best man/maid of honor wish to humor the bride or groom with their “this should be cute/funny” moment, save it for the honeymoon or write it down and have you do it at their wedding.
    Good luck.

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49. By Emily on May 19, 2010

    I would miss a first kiss. I would miss being fed. I would prefer an open bar, but it seems as though you have that covered. Everything else, I think, is gravy.

    I’ve been to a wedding where there was no dancing at all, just music and mingling, and it was perfectly lovely.

    Things I tend to notice at weddings, especially since planning and having my own:
    * Whether or not the photographer appears to be doing a good job and how courteous he or she is to the guests.
    * Flowers, but that’s a personal interest because I love arranging flowers.
    * How much religion or invoking of deities is in the ceremony, because I’m not at all religous and when the ceremony discusses Jesus more than anything else I find it a bit uncomfortable.
    * Whether the bride and groom are enjoying themselves.

    If I could give one piece of advice that I didn’t see after reading all the comments:
    Resolve that you and Phil will have a good time. You are throwing a party, it is supposed to be fun, so delegate things that need doing to people you are paying or people who volunteer to help and let go.

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50. By Al_Pal on May 21, 2010

    So, this is totally interesting to me because I’m [we're] very slowly planning our wedding! We’ve decided on just before or after summer, 2011 or 2012, and a vague idea of where [not tooo far from home] and some of the components.
    Basically, we’re slackers & not in a rush–our first date was in 2001, so why hurry now? ;D

    I’ve bookmarked this to refer back to as needed.

    We’re reasonably non-traditional, but not going to be different for the sake of being indie/hipster/unique–just for the sake of making it our own, and personal to us. I’ve enjoyed looking at some of offbeatbride.com, even though I won’t be that over-the-top; it’s nice to have inspiration that has a broad spectrum. Their checklist is nice since it says, “This Item [if you're having that]“.

    Like you, the parental situation isn’t ‘standard’ for us–no father-daughter dance, since he’s dead. MAYBE a parent dance, with his dad & my mom, since they’re the most important ones, but eh. [We do like dancing.]

    I’ve only seen the dollar dance a couple of times. It surprised me! Not for us, for sure.

    & I do plan to have matching bridesmaids. In fabric and color, at minimum! Might have some variation in top/sleeve style depending on if some folks want to bare arms & others don’t.

    Cheers! ;D

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51. By BethE on May 22, 2010

    Hmm…well, we didn’t have a lot of special dances (did dance to our together-song, though. We also had a song that was ‘us’ when we were long distance but the new song was because we wouldn’t have to be long distance ever again. (We hope.)) No tosses. Bubbles as party favors for when we came out of the church.

    Good tasting cake is important. Yes, ours looked nice but the fact that it tasted great was slightly more important (to me). And we still get stuff from their bakery. We get a small cake every year there for our anniversary and they know us on sight.

    Something different that we did was walking into the ceremony down the aisle together. Our priest actually encouraged us to do this. (and it turns out we were the first couple to actually do so in the three years he had been trying…he’s had more luck since us since he can point out that yes, it is do-able.) I had been living on my own for about a decade so the whole ‘giving me away’ thing wasn’t so much. And both of our dads read parts of the liturgy for their part of the ceremony.

    But I enjoyed us being together at that moment best because…we watched all of the other people in the party head up the aisle and it was just us, alone, in the back. Taking this big step _together_. I got to hold his hand the whole way up the aisle and it helped me stay focused. (I also loved the double-takes from the people who came in almost-late, seeing me and my hubby to be in the back together.)

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52. By Nic on May 23, 2010

    Well, I have the unique experience of having planned over 200 weddings — NEAR SCRANTON. SO.

    For the list of things you mentioned:
    1. Ceremony programs – If you’re having a very short ceremony, skip. If you have a large bridal party though, people tend to like them during the processional.

    2. Bouquet toss – Very typical for the area, but so is the garter toss. Do both or do neither because if you do one, people will be expecting the other. Also, as a single girl, I HATE THEM. If you do them, talk to your DJ ahead of time about how he does them because I’ve seen a couple of DJs get a little raunchy.

    3. speeches & toasts – Talk to the people giving them and see how they feel. If they’re super nervous and don’t want to, skip. However, if they’re even moderately excited, go for it. Just remind everyone to keep it rather short.

    4. reception entrance – are you going to be at the cocktail reception with the guests? skip it. If you’re going to be off taking pictures during that time, do it.

    5. receiving line vs. table visits – If you have a bunch of people attending who are born and bred in Scranton, do the receiving line because they’ll be confused otherwise. It’s super traditional for the area.

    6. a card box – Do this and put someone in charge of it. It’s good to have all of the cards contained in a single spot. Check with your venue and florist, they may have one available for you.

    7. anniversary dance – Skip unless you’re into all of the other traditional dances.

    My personal opinion is that people don’t know what they’re missing. Keep the booze and the food flowing, make sure no one has to wait too long for anything and people will be happy. When people suggest specific things or items for the wedding, and then bitch about it afterwards? Well, they never would have been happy anyway and would have bitched about something else even if you had taken their suggestion.

    I saw above that you’re doing stations. In that way, you’re lucky in that you can skip all of the traditional wedding stuff since it typically revolves around the structure of a meal with courses. When there are stations, the eating and the dancing sort of all flows together.

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53. By Phaedra on Jun 1, 2010

    A little late to the party, but…

    I come from a Polish family. Traditionally, it’s not a “Dollar Dance” but a “Bridal Dance”. It’s danced to the polka “Baby Needs New Shoes” and was originally done to raise money for the first child of the Polish couple. I did the Bridal Dance at my wedding and was glad I did. My mom made me a babouska to wear (like her mother had made her) and I used the money bag my grandmother (who passed away when I was little) had made my mother. It started with me dancing with my mom, then all the guests, then last with my dad. While I was dancing with my dad, all the guests who had danced with me gathered round and my husband had to “abduct” me. To make it more fun, most of the money was tied in knots, because on the wedding night, the married couple has nothing better to do.

    I know some people find it tacky, but it’s VERY traditional for some families. My grandparents had done it, my parents, my aunts/uncles, my cousins, my friends from the area (NEPA). With all the comments about the “Dollar Dance” (which isn’t the right name), I really wanted to educate people on why it’s done (like jumping over the broom or eating bread, salt, and wine before the ceremony).

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