It’s awkward so let’s talk about my dogs
August 2nd, 2010 | by TJ |I’m still in Pennsylvania and my shower was absolutely lovely, all of my lady relatives were there and my sister put together such a nice event and the food was good and the service was good and the games were fun and not embarrassing for anyone and people won prizes and I am so, so, so spoiled with presents, especially things shaped like animals: elephant measuring cups, shark bottle opener, whale ice cream spade, woodpecker kitchen shears, monkey peeler, A PIRANHA PIZZA CUTTER. I was so excited about everything, my mom told me one of her cousins thrilled and blown away by how I reacted to receiving a box of Corningware.
People seem to forget how exciting something like Corningware is when you own 2 Pyrex dishes and a single serving/mixing/potential sickness bowl. Corningware is a big deal. I am over the moon for Corningware. 13 piece Corningware, you guys. I about lost my mind. I was all, YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS, RAMEKINS! and they were all, “Yeah, uh, we’re familiar with Corningware, you rube, open something else.”
Whatever. So I’m still in Pennsylvania and a lot is happening, but I so rarely talk about my family on here that it seems awkward and strange to remind you that I wasn’t hatched from an egg, fully grown, two weeks before you personally started reading this blog, but do indeed have parents and a sister and brother, so let’s do what I always do when I don’t know what to say or, actually, all the time, and steer the conversation towards my dogs.
Phil has been sending me pictures of my dogs. I find this one to be particularly illustrative.
I would say that this is what my kitchen ends up looking like when I go away for a week, but it’s pretty much the same as when I’m in the house, ignoring it for a week. Or two.
Notice several things about this picture:
1. Isn’t Brinkley enormous? Also, Sheldon doesn’t look it in this picture, but he is slowly passing Brinkley, height-wise, when he’s not having another jowl growth spurt.
2. Note the Dyson just sitting in the middle of the kitchen. I would say that it’s normally put away, but it is SO NEVER put away that I actually don’t have a spot for it in the house. I mean, since we moved in back in March, I never chose a spot for it because I never had a chance to put it away. This conversation happened over the phone:
“So, apparently, you have to vacuum the floor every day. There is dog hair EVERYWHERE. Every day!”
“I know. I told you that a vacuum every day. I actually was telling someone that I was probably going to come home to a sea of dog hair because you wouldn’t do it like I do every single day. Didn’t you believe me?”
“Well, I’m just saying that apparently it’s true. I guess you do run the vacuum every day.”
“Uh, what do you think I do all day? Sit around doing nothing and then make up lies about vacuuming when you come home?”
“I’m just saying, whether I believed that you vacuum every day isn’t the issue. It’s just confirmed that you do.”
“Asshole.”
3. Do you like how dirty my floors are? Did you know that dogs don’t wipe their feet when they come inside? And that Arizona backyards are usually some percentage grass and an almost equal percentage dusty dirt?
And did you know that water in Arizona does not come out of the taps cool, and does not get cold, since no one has a water COLDER on their house, only water heaters? Did you know that in order for your dogs to have cool water to drink, you need to fill the dog fountain with ice cubes?
Did you know that Newfoundlands think it’s their job to bob for any item you put in water? Did you know that Newfoundlands don’t give a shit and a half about the fact that they have a harder time controlling drool than a novocained 16 month old with a zwieback cracker?
If you knew all that, why the fuck are you judging me about my dirty floors?
4. Please don’t call Animal Control on us. I SWEAR TO GOD, we feed Sheldon. We feed him as much dry food as is reasonable, plus a little bit of wet large breed puppy food (strictly controlled protein, as feeding large breed puppies too much puppy food (with higher protein) grows their bones too fast and opens them to huge risk for cancer & joint disorders) at every meal. And snacks! He gets left over plain veggies and fruit and also cottage cheese. And organic wheat- and corn-free dog treats, because he has a delicate constitution.
I know he looks thin. We feed him PLENTY. I promise. We have been told he will stop looking so neglected in his second year, and that this year is all about growing taller. And growing jowls. We take him to the dog park and he drinks water like we’ve never let him near it in his life, and then I put up a picture and you can practically see his hip bones. Don’t report us. Take a look at that majestic golden beast on the left, who is very obviously not missing any meals.
OH ALSO? My invitations came in the mail while I was gone! I am very excited to get home. To my invitations. And my dogs. And also Phil.
By Miss Grace on Aug 2, 2010
I’m so glad you called it a potential sickness bowl. YES EXACTLY. It’s very sad to own zero.
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TJ Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 12:58 pm
I got this awesome set of mixing bowls at the shower, I was so relieved. I told the story of the one bowl, and how Phil put it next to the bed when I was sick a couple of weeks ago, and felt like I needed to emphasize, “But I didn’t USE it. This time.”
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By Nona on Aug 2, 2010
Sheldon looks fine to me. Not too thin at all. A dog is supposed to have a waistline and you should be able to easily see or feel the ribs, depending on the breed. In his case, a cold water breed with lots of fur, you should be able to feel them.
He looks in perfect shape to me.
(I write a column about pets for a newspaper. I am not a crazy geek who goes around giving dogs body image issues about their lack of visible ribs, I swear.)
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TJ Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 1:00 pm
Oh, I just worry. You know. I’m neurotic.
BUT it’s obviously inherited.
I showed my mom a pic of Sheldon, where he’s splayed on on the floor. He’s still a baby, his joints are still loose, so he was kind of frogged out, with his legs spread out in back. She’s not even a dog person and was immediately concerned. Obviously being neurotic about tiny things runs in the family.
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Flame Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 6:43 pm
My 140# Leo can still do the frog-dog – they have to have good hops to be able to pull that off. Many can’t as adults.
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Flame Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 6:44 pm
Well, he does have some good hops, but he also has good hips. lol
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By Nona on Aug 2, 2010
Oh, and yay for Corningware. I love mine and use the ramikins all the time. Glad the shower went well. Travel safely.
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By Flaime on Aug 2, 2010
Sheldon looks fine to me. Though, he’s now at a point (i.e. tall enough) that you might want to consider getting a step stool to feed him off of. Even though he’s still a puppy, it’s enough easier on his neck and back that it’s worth the effort. Also, you’ll know it’s time to cut back on his food when you can’t easily feel his ribs. By easily, I mean, if you have to think about where the spaces are between the ribs, time to cut back. Even with big dogs.
My mother (she’s a dog trainer and vet tech) is of the opinion that if a dog is over 12 months, you can probably forgo puppy food and just supplement with lamb or chicken baby food if you are worried about crude fat or crude protien contents. It’s usually cheaper (for some reason, puppy food gets weirdly expensive).
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TJ Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 1:13 pm
We’re definitely looking for a stool for him. I actually saw some at the mall this weekend – a guy who made them to specifications for your particular dog’s height. Right now, we only have Brinkley’s up because Brinkley is much more stiff, so Sheldon kind of gets the shaft on that. We are looking, though, definitely. He won’t be eating on the floor forever, or much longer.
As for the food, he and Brinkley both actually eat large breed adult, and Sheldon is just supplemented with a bit of wet large breed puppy food. Like a quarter of a can per meal. Really just got in the habit to encourage him to eat when he first came to us, and now I keep doing it because he is growing and is often just so obviously very hungry. It seems to add a little bit more satisfaction for him.
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TJ Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 1:15 pm
Oh and he’s only just turned 10 months, the big baby. You can see it better when he’s running around and stuff, he’s so very obviously an awkward puppy even though he’s monstrous. But then, I suppose you know all about monstrous puppies!
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Flaime Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 1:33 pm
I have seen a monstrous puppy or two:D. My mother made friends with a breeder of Boucherons. And they gave my mother a Boucheron puppy. I’ve seen larger dogs, but they were Great Danes. Maeve was massive.
Now she primarily has Aussies (She has 5 dogs, right now).
All of my dogs are “medium” sized – A basset (who is moderately fat), a basset-beagle mix, and a beagle – all adopted from the animal shelter here.
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By Swistle on Aug 2, 2010
We are ALMOST TWINS, because I TOO have the woodpecker scissors! Yes! I also have the toucan can opener and the bird peeler.
AND my floors are not very clean, even though I don’t have dogs!
TWINS!
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TJ Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 1:49 pm
HOW CUTE ARE THOSE SCISSORS!
And I have not SEEN a toucan can opener. Hmm.
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TJ Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 1:49 pm
NOT THAT I AM ACCUSING YOU OF INVENTING THE CAN OPENER.
It’s just that, if I had SEEN one, it would have been on my registry. Post haste.
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TJ Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 1:52 pm
OH MAH GAH SWORDFISH KNIFE.
http://www.kitchenkapers.com/animalhouse-gadgets.html
And the skunk duster!
And that can opener is TOO ADORABLE.
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Swistle Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 1:53 pm
RIGHT? I found a swordfish knife at TJMaxx, but just ONE, and I gave it to my cousin as a wedding gift. Now I MUST HAVE ONE FOR MYSELF.
Funniest one: BEAVER WHISK.
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TJ Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 1:55 pm
We MUST be twins because I thought Beaver Whisk was the best one, too.
Like, I’d bring it out to show company and stuff.
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Swistle Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 2:25 pm
Oh, also! I have the porcupine and hedgehog scrubbers.
By Reddirt on Aug 2, 2010
I totally empathize with you on Sheldon’s weight. We have a 10 month old, deaf, white boxer that eats like a horse and still looks like Skeletor.
We get comments all the time at the dog park. One lady went so far as to call our phone number on the tags, while we were 20 feet away in THE SAME PARK! She needed to let us know that our dog was under-fed and was “ill-mannered”. I then had to explain that we were not running a doggie Buchenwald, and she had more than enough to eat. I also had to explain that, being deaf, she’s a little more skittish than normal, and that she also probably didn’t enjoy being wrestled to the ground by an old crone.
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By Liz on Aug 2, 2010
All of that is really interesting but lets get to the part about me: Is that the self grinding coffee maker? Does it break for you ALL THE TIME and make this sad “I”M NOT REALLY GRINDING, HA HA HA YOU SUCK FOR BEING SO LAZY AND THINKING I WOULD IMPROVE YOUR SNOBBY “CAN ONLY DRINK COFFEE FROM FRESH GROUNDS” EXISTENCE, ASSHOLE”??
If so, can you tell me how to fix this? Pretty please?
(in other news: I empty the dyson every day. EVERY. DAY. )
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By Rhonda on Aug 2, 2010
Our dog has only just started to fill out and not look like he’s starving, he’s almost 3 now. When he was about 6 months he looked so bad that someone yelled out their car window that we were “starving him man”. And this is in a country where no-one talks to anyone on the street, you just don’t interact with strangers at all. So we felt pretty bad, but we were feeding him butt loads of food, he just burnt it ll off wiggling and jumping and chewing.
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By Flame on Aug 2, 2010
Congrats on all your cool shower gifts – pictures! I want to see a piranha pizza cutter!
Sheldon looks great – he looks like a tall, lanky giant breed puppy. Most of them grow to be all legs for the first 1.5 yrs or so and then they start filling out… for the next 3 yrs. :) Believe me, my Leo was all over the place until he hit about 4. Seriously… that dog put on 12# in one week he was growing so fast and he was still skinny!
If those floors are dirty, don’t even bother looking at mine. Spring/fall with 1 Leo is bad enough for mud… those look good for 2 dogs and lots of dust! I would seriously have to clean my house multiple times a day to keep it hair/mud/dust free. Once a week is what it gets. You can’t be a neat freak with a large, hairy, drooly dog… you will drive yourself nuts. :)
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TJ Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 7:51 pm
My parents’ next door neighbors seem to have a dog just like yours. We keep driving past when they have him out in the yard. He is just huge! I think he looks majestic. My mom thinks he looks like a shedder.
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Flame Reply:
August 3rd, 2010 at 9:00 am
They very well may have a Leo next door – there are several in PA. :)
(Your mom is correct!)
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TJ Reply:
August 3rd, 2010 at 9:02 am
Hey, I am correct, too! That is one fantastic looking dog they’ve got. I just love big dogs.
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Flame Reply:
August 3rd, 2010 at 5:42 pm
Of course you are correct! I’m biased, so I certainly think they are fantastic.
By Dulcea on Aug 3, 2010
Is it sad, that I know its not just a Dyson, but a Dyson Animal? Fabulous vacuum btw. SO buying one when I move in a week. ^_^
(The dogs are cute too. Who’s noticing the floor with such handsome boys in the picture?)
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By Lindsay on Aug 5, 2010
I don’t even have to say who my wedding gifts are from when I give a wedding/whatever gift because it is always: Pyrex, Corningwear, or Tupperwear. I LOVE PYREX and TUPPERWARE. I had a hayday at my shower and was VERY excited for Pyrex!!!!
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