You can’t do what I do
October 13th, 2009 | by TJ |By “you,” I mean Phil. And by “what I do,” I mean be an effective pain in the ass.
I don’t know if you’ve realized this yet, Internet, but I’m not exactly a picnic to live with.
(I just sat here for two minutes staring at the screen a pondering the phrase “I’m not a picnic.” No shit. People aren’t picnics. What a stupid phrase.)
Anyway, I have spent years and years in Research and Development, coming up with my own special brand and flavors of behaviors designed to drive YOU, the USER, right to the end of your patience. We’re really rather pleased with our latest line, test subjects have often been seen with their arms raised to the sky, saying “This is my life. THIS IS MY LIFE!” in a pleasingly resigned fashion.
Something I have noticed, however, is the dangerous practice of these methods being applied by amateurs. You (and by “you,” I still mean Phil) need to realize right off the bat that while you may be at the end of your tether, simply reversing the methods used will not have the desired result. In fact, a safety feature is built right in – should you attempt to turn the tables, you will only find yourself more frustrated and bewildered than when you started.
Bathroom Privacy
While it may drive you absolutely insane when I stand directly outside the bathroom door to carry on any conversation we were previously having, or even just to talk (“Hey. What’s going on in there? Hello? Are you in there? Say something! Are you ok? Should I break down the door? What are you doing? It’s awfully quiet in there. Hey. I’m lonely out here. When are you coming out? Hello? I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME.”), putting this method into practice yourself isn’t going to get you anywhere.
“Hey, are you in there?” (Him, tentatively trying my methods of obnoxiousness)
“Yes, I am!” (Me, delighted for company)
“How’s it going in there?” (Him, wavering upon receiving such a chipper response)
“Good! I’m peeing! How’s it going out there?” (Me, genuinely interested in the goings on outside the bathroom door)
“Forget it!” (Him, storming away)
The difference between you and me? I am perfectly willing to carry on a conversation while I am on the toilet. I think it’s a biological lady thing. In case I ever have babies. Who talk while I’m on the toilet. Any kid of mine would totally do obnoxious shit like that.
Calling Bluffs
Simply put, I will always call yours, and calling mine is never going to work for you. Ever.
Did you read that?
Ever.
Yesterday, we stepped out of the shower (yes, the same shower. We’re going green.) and I took his towel because mine was obviously laying on the floor somewhere else while his is always so conveniently and neatly hung up right outside the shower.
“Get me a towel!” (Him, naked)
“No, you can use this towel when I’m done with it.” (Me, drying)
“If you don’t get me a towel, I will walk across the whole house naked to get my own and someone might see.” (Him, bluffing, after more than a year not aware of the fact that it will never work)
“Ok, go ahead.” (Me, ruining his moment)
“Damnit! Get me a towel!” (Him, with no follow through)
If you’re only willing to get as far as sticking one foot out the bathroom door, you shouldn’t make such threats.
Did you guys see Family Guy this weekend? The opening, where they raced to the bathroom? Every single day in this house. Every single day. Except, not first thing in the morning. No. Every time I see Phil heading for the bathroom, that’s when I decide I need to use it. After we have both managed to cram ourselves inside the bathroom, something along these lines happens.
“I was here first!” (Him)
“Well, I need to GO.” (Me)
“I’m not leaving.” (Him)
“Fine. I’m going anyway.” (Me, unzipping and sitting)
“Damnit!” (Him, storming out)
The difference between you and me? No shame.
No. Shame.
My Lines
Simply put, you can’t use my lines. My lines will never work for you. My lines only work for me. Take, for example, when I topple a pile of soda cans to the ground, turn to you and say, “You HAVE to love me.”
Phil makes a bad joke and follows up with, “You have to love me.”
“I don’t think you understand the “you have to love me” thing.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I don’t HAVE to love you. You DO have to love me. I left my entire life, everyone I know, all my friends and family and the adorable children I used to babysit for to move all the way across the country where I don’t know anyone and have no friends and never leave the house and lead a sad and pathetic existence. You OWE me. You are OBLIGATED TO LOVE ME. I CHOOSE to love you.”
“Well, I choose to love you, too.”
“Your choice to love me is superfluous, because YOU OWE ME.”
The difference between you and me? You OWE me. Forever.
By Kestrel on Oct 13, 2009
Once, I wrote a comment on your blog, to Phil, to the effect, “Don’t let her get away, Phil.”
I’m trying to decide if I was silly, or stupid.
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By Deborah Timmers on Oct 13, 2009
I just need to say I absolutely LOVE YOU !!
You make me laugh till I can piddle my pants .
I wish I knew you in real life and could come to your wedding its gonna be awesome… Husband and I live in Maryland !!!wink wink Hint Hint LOL
YOur the best
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By Lauren on Oct 13, 2009
This is full of win… on so many levels.
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By Edyion on Oct 13, 2009
Well played madam, well played.
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By Liz on Oct 13, 2009
Phil: The bathroom privacy thing. You need to get used to it, TJ is giving you good practice. Once you have kid(s), the bathroom door can never be closed/locked, until they are 10+. Going to bathroom is like a magnet, you go, they follow.
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By Awlbiste on Oct 13, 2009
I would reply to anyone talking to me in the bathroom with confusion. “What are you doing in there??” “Pooping?”
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By Ebby on Oct 13, 2009
I don’t know if I’m in a giggly mood today or what, but I was in absolute FITS of laughter reading this entry. Oh man. Good fun. You’re an evil woman, by the way. I’m taking notes for if I ever get married so I can try these on my husband.
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By Aboo on Oct 13, 2009
@Awlbiste – My wife tried talking to me in the commode twice. The first time I made the mistake of saying “I’m reading…”. The second? “I’m trying to figure out what exactly this IS! Come in here and smell it, would you?”
Never talked to me again…
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By Swistle on Oct 13, 2009
“Your choice to love me is superfluous” and “Me, delighted for company” are my favorite parts.
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By Jason R. Peters on Oct 14, 2009
PHIL,
I’m trying to yell past TJ so you can hear me!
PHIL! Are you okay in there? Are you going to make it? Be careful, man! You’re in way over your head!
This chick is a grandmaster in Sass!
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By Bernie on Oct 14, 2009
Left everyone behind? What about us Internetizens we followed you to Arizona. It was stressful too. How did we know what if anything you would find to write about. What if you had an encounter with a catcus while driving to the trading post? What I an trying to say is we follow your pioneering spirit into the wild west of this great country and hang on your every posting for our own selfish amusement.
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By Luckedout on Oct 14, 2009
That last one might bite you in the ass some day. Otherwise it sounds a lot like living with my 4 year old :-). I get conversations through the bathroom door, including little fingers sticking through the bottom of the door. Whenever I’m using anything is the exact same time he needs to use it. Do you also like to lean on him when you read over his shoulder at the computer (both the leaning and reading over the shoulder are annoying) or do you repeat phrases repeatedly even though they have been answered such as, Goodnight? If so, you might have a new best friend in my 4 year old :-)
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By Jasmine on Oct 15, 2009
@Luckedout are your fingers under the door accompanied with “Can you see my fingers?” LOL. I here I thought children were unique.
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By Phaedra on Oct 15, 2009
Oh god…now I am terrified about having children.
If I’m in the bathroom, I DO NOT EXIST. DO NOT TALK to me.
There is nothing I hate more at work than those who will chat with you while you are in a stall. I have to wait until they leave to go. I’m not the only one like this. Lauria Notaro (who wrote “The Idiot Girls Action Adventure Club”) feels the exact same way.
I totally didn’t even realize about children…what will I do then???
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