You = Busy. Me = Living to Serve.
January 27th, 2010 | by TJ |
What? Has it been a month already? It seems like just yesterday I was talking about Amanda Bynes!
Oh wait, that was yesterday, because a copy of Maxim with her draped across the cover with her bra showing has taken up residence in our bathroom and hasn’t budged for the last month or so. I’m not naming any names or giving any details but let’s just say that someone keeps pointing out, you know, “Child star!” and someone else’s comeback is always something along the lines of, “but legal adult!”
Anyway! Here we are again, busy Internet, at the start of another edition of TJ’s Cosmo Cliff’s Notes. This is the time of the month where I take time out to think about you – the busy people who don’t have the time to crack a Cosmo – and run through the whole issue for you, making sure that you have all the information you need to live your life as a fun, fearless Cosmo girl!
Let’s get started, y’all!
On the from the editor page, the one that reminds me of those news commercials I don’t get because honest to god I don’t care, the apparent editor tells us of a weird phenomenon – apparently, when young single women in the general ready-to-get-married stage of their life start working at Cosmo, they get engaged shortly afterward! The editor wonders if maybe it’s what they learned at Cosmo that lead them to land that man! This writer wonders if maybe seeing behind the scenes of Cosmo lead the to completely disavow everything they’ve ever read in Cosmo, allowing them to suddenly land a man! Agree to disagree, Ms. Kate White!
I love that they put the Hot Sheet right in front, because it should really be the first place any Cosmo girl in the know turns to, to stay abreast of trends! Speaking of “abreast,” apparently it is NOT SEXY to let your nipples pop out of your clothes! Abreast! See what I did there! That’s writing! Call me, Cosmo! Also, just FYI, if you want to look like a “fun loving chick” in your Facebook photos, have your picture taken while you’re walking! People apparently really like other people who can walk! Sorry, handicapped – Cosmo doesn’t really have any instructions on how you can use clever camera tricks and Facebook to make yourself look like a “fun loving chick.”
Ah, the cover story – Anna Faris is the fun, fearless female of the year! I admit I was surprised when I saw that on the cover, but I figured the story would explain what she’s been up to. So I read it. And. Well. She hasn’t actually made any notable movies in some time – the article keeps referencing Just Friends and House Bunny. But! She did “land a man!” You go, Anna! There’s nothing I consider more “fun” and “fearless” than perpetuating ditzy blonde stereotypes in the media and then being applauded for managing to get married! I really feel you represent me, Anna. I feel so close to you right now. Can you teach me to hair twirl?
Apparently, the fact that Phil sleeps on his back means that he’s confident and secure, because he leaves his… you know… areas… open. It’s rare time I do this, guys, but I’m going to have to disagree with Cosmo. Phil sleeps on the back for the exact opposite reason. It’s not because he’s confident, it’s because he’s scared. I’m a flailer, y’all. His… you know… areas… are way more vulnerable if he’s on his side facing me. It’s not a confidence move, it’s a survival of the species move. For those of you who are curious, if your boyfriend/husband sleeps on his stomach/side/back/other, he possesses some generic, easily-applied-to-anyone personality trait.
After I disagreed with Cosmo there, I had a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, feeling that Cosmo and I were a little at odds, but luckily, it was rectified shortly, on the Fun, Fearless Fashion page. This chick is wearing a bodysuit! And she appears to be serious about it! That is fearless!
If you’re ready to turn your whole outfit into straight up sexy, this is how you do it: a dress and shoes that both heavily feature cut outs or that cage style. Since only like, a tiny fraction of the population is devoid of enough body fat to make those look good, and I have faith that Cosmo wouldn’t be choosing all of their featured fashions based on only a small sliver of the population (no! They would never!), I think it’s safe to assume that Cosmo is telling us that the bathing suit/lawn chair effect - you know, the one where your thighs squish through the mesh of the chair? – is totally in this year. Top it off with earrings shaped like arrows directing the way to your breasts/vagina and pasties (seriously – pasties) and you’re all sexed up! Or out. You’re sexed… something. Actually, you’re gross, and you have mesh prints and pastie-stick all over you.
Oh! I love these sections where they show us one ridiculously expensive piece of clothing, but then console us by showing all the stuff we could buy instead if we go with poor knock offs. For example – a $216 flowered skirt. Well, instead of that, you can buy a $59 flowered skirt, a $55 plain red t-shirt AND? A $90 stack of bracelets, all for just $203.99! That’s a savings of $12! You could buy a weird… jacket thing… for $268, or, you could get an uglier, weirder version of the jacket for $68, a $100 dress and a $100 purse, for just $267! Or? OR? Groceries!
Beauty News – Celebrities Bump it up! And Cosmo would like to tell you how it’s done! First, grow an extra set of hands and develop some coordination and the years of hairstyling experience needed to make this look possible. Or? Buy a Bump It. You’re not too cool for Bump Its, Cosmo, get over yourself.
Secret Weapons for Valentine’s Day – What, because now it’s war? Us against them? I SHALL WEAR PERFUME AND YOU SHALL BE FOOLED INTO BRINGING ME A CANDY! I have won Valentine’s Day!
A reader has a question! “Should I use the same brand of shampoo and conditioner?” Why? Because that’s what it says on the bottle? Do you lather, rinse and repeat as well? How do you know when to stop? Some people are sadly beyond even Cosmo’s help, I fear.
GUY WATCH: This month, it’s a bunch of pictures of former American Idol contestants, taken when they were mid-sing. Because… oh my god, you guys. Giggle! Elbow! Blush! If you take a picture of someone signing a big note? They squeeze their eyes shut and open their mouths real wide! Giggle! It’s like… you know!
Cosmo, I need to hand it to you. Every month, I think you just can’t possibly impress me more.
For the first time I ever, I think, I’m calling Cosmo out on a flat out lie. The 99 Hot New Sex Tips promised on the cover? I actually read them all. Not a single one of these is anything that could even remotely be termed “new.” I’m not a sex expert. Hell, I’m not even very good at it. I’m a pretty awkward person and as you would expect, that translates to the bedroom. In fact, it may even be amplified in that environment. And even STILL. Not only is none of this new, it’s not even remotely beyond me. Your more sexually advanced readers – because that’s what Cosmo’s about, right? Landing men and getting them in bed and being good at sex, that’s how you become a fun, fearless female, right? Anyway, the advanced readers are going to start to catch on to this shit soon, Cosmo. If you say you have new sex tips from now on, you better have discovered a new orifice, or else just shut the hell up with this insulting bull shit. “Touch his penis!” I’m going to touch you with my fist.
If you’ve accidentally turned your man into a girl by recognizing the fact that sometimes men like to look good, too, and doing something stupid like lending him your expensive soap (EVERYONE KNOWS MEN DON’T USE SPECIAL FACE SOAP! That would mean they cared about their appearance like NORMAL HUMANS!!), never fear. Cosmo can help! What you need to do is take him to do some things that only men do. Like watch football, or play a video game. He’ll be back to normal right away, and you won’t have to worry any more about him being comfortable and secure enough around you to express more than one dimension of his personality!
I’m skipping the whole Fun, Fearless Males section – it’s kind of ridiculous, why don’t they just have one category? After all, the more you act like a dude or a non-standard woman, and deemphasize standard womanly qualities that it is okay to be proud of – the more of a fun, fearless female you are. So why don’t we just rank them all together if being fearless generally equates to being more dude-like? Oh, Nathan Fillion is in here! Hell yeah, Captain Hammer!
These Healthy Foods Can Make You Fat Just Like Any Other Food in the World You Don’t Eat in Moderation! Fixed that title for you, Cosmo.
I’m skipping the fertility questions section as well – sorry, y’all – because I don’t feel like Cosmo is a place where you should even consider getting any kind of information on fertility. At all. Ever. Cosmo’s party line should be “Use a Condom, Every Time.” And that’s it.
In their innovative, groundbreaking, sure to rock some worlds article “This is What Love Looks Like Now,” Cosmo does a public service for those just hopping out of their time machines from 1955 and dedicates a whole article to letting us know that not only do people of different races date, but that interracial couples are just like “normal” couples!
THE THONG IS DEAD! Companion story I’m working on: Telling Women What To Wear Under Their Clothes Like You Have a Dog in This Fight At All is Also Dead!
The clothes section – I’m not bothering except to tell you that if you’re the type who picks up Cosmo in the grocery store line, or gets a subscription and has time to sit down and read it, there is literally no space in your life for any of these clothes. If you’re reading Cosmo, you are not living the lifestyle that Cosmo seems to think we all are. Want to argue with me? Ok. Where are you going to wear these leggings, the skin tight ones with the zupper from your ankle to your asshole? I’m not insulting you. I’m making fun of Cosmo. That’s the point.
His Pet Peeve: “She sets up my single friends with her single friends — even if they’re a bad match. Then she holds it against me when it fizzles!” And then I mentally added the following, “So I guess what I’m really saying is that I’m dating a woman who believes that everyone needs to be with someone, regardless of whether or not they actually get along – it’s all about not dying alone – and then? She’s irrational on top of that.”
That’s it for this month, Internet. There was literally nothing else in Cosmo worth more than a glance, let alone worth my time to make fun of.
See you next month, Busy Ladies!
See previous Cosmo Cliff’s Notes:
November Issue
December Issue
January Issue
By Tami on Jan 27, 2010
Favorite part? “Secret Weapons for Valentine’s Day – What, because now it’s war? Us against them? I SHALL WEAR PERFUME AND YOU SHALL BE FOOLED INTO BRINGING ME A CANDY! I have won Valentine’s Day!”
If the thong is dead, exactly what replaced it, I wonder? I have a sneaking suspicion they are NOT advocating the less-than-affectionately-named granny panties, so … commando?
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TJ Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 11:44 am
I admit, I didn’t even read that far. The very notion of someone telling me that my UNDERPANTS are out of STYLE makes me roll my eyes so hard I think I snapped an eyeball tendon.
I’m not a huge feminist and I’m not one of those podium pounding “THIS IS WHAT WE’RE TELLING WOMEN!!!” hardasses, but you don’t get to make me insecure about whether or not my UNDERPANTS fit in with what everyone else is wearing.
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Tami Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 11:49 am
I imagine hordes of women, somewhere, tearfully emptying their thong collection into a trashbag.
My normal underwear strategy came from my mom, who eloquently advised “Anyone looking that close ought to be shot.”
Granted, she was talking about my slightly mismatched ear piercing, but I find the advice appropriate more often than not.
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Awlbiste Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 11:50 am
Boy shorts. They are replacing the thong with boy shorts. BOTH ARE UNCOMFORTABLE TO ME. I will stick with my regular underpants that fit my body and don’t dig into my fat when I sit down or walk.
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Adlib Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 11:52 am
I’m totally with you! I laugh at my former, younger self when I, for some reason, used to care about what style my underwear was. Now it’s just what’s comfortable. It’s not like my husband cares.
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Tami Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 11:56 am
Sexy underwear makes me laugh SO HARD.
Seriously. Weigh the expense versus the time my husband wants said sexy underwear to remain on my body, and we find that it’s more cost effective to just lay the money out on the bed and have sex on that.
(Which would totally be gross, anyone reading this in anything other than a humorous tone. Money is nastydirty. Working as a cashier at Wal-Mart instilled in me the fear of the dollar bill.)
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Awlbiste Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 11:59 am
I have never owned a thong or thought about owning a thong and good thing my boyfriend doesn’t like thongs either because he never had to be disappointed when I told him to fuck off.
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Skraps Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 1:22 pm
@Tami
I chuckled so much at this. A few weekends ago the wife and I had a nice romantic weekend in Napa (only 20 minutes from home) sexy under clothes were part of the weekend. But I would have been just as happy for her to spend the money on a larger collection of everyday items that she could use.
Also we are both cootiephobes so money and sex would never happen.
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Tami Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 11:53 am
Oh, rock on. As soon as I get boy hips, I will totally swap to boy shorts.
Until then, I think I’ll wear underwear designed for women, though. You know. To tide me over.
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TJ Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 11:57 am
I don’t object to thongs, I don’t object to boy shorts. I don’t object to any kind of anywhere, in terms of FASHION. Because that’s stupid. In terms of what goes on my BUTT, that’s not anyone’s business but mine and Phil’s.
And it’s BARELY even Phil’s!
“Which is sexier, the snowmen or the polka dots?”
“Uh… neither?”
“Haha, awwwwww…. don’t care.”
The fact that it’s EVEN A CONCERN, in terms of fashion, trends, and what’s in or out is SO RIDICULOUS I can’t STAND IT.
My Underpants Rule:
WEAR SOME!
End.
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Adlib Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 12:02 pm
So will we be getting into the issue of those people who see thongs as fashion to be worn under your pants while being visible above the waistband? Because I HATE that trend, and I’m glad to see it dropping off lately. Ew.
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Awlbiste Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 12:03 pm
The only conversation I can even imagine is this:
“Do you like these?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.”
“Do you like these?”
“No.”
“Too bad.”
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Kimberly Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 12:40 pm
“Which is sexier, the snowmen or the polka dots?”
Gah! Get out of my underwear drawer!
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Pablo Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 2:33 pm
@ adlib – What’s worse, visible thong – aka ‘whale tail’ – or low rise jeans with low rise undies such that you see the northern reaches of the ass crack when she sits or bends down? I think I’d rather see the thong personally.
On secret weapons for Valentines – Do women really need to do anything other than say thank you, and eventually yes later that night? Both of those are win in my book.
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By Awlbiste on Jan 27, 2010
This whole issue just make me so angry as evidenced by my angry all caps random Twitter outbursts.
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By Adlib on Jan 27, 2010
Once in a while I read a Cosmo at a friend’s house or pick one up in the grocery, and honestly, they’re not even different in content. I do like to laugh at the embarrassing stories though. I still prefer your Cliff’s Notes version.
I think my biggest pet peeve about the magazine in general is when they suggest going “outside the lines” or whatever and act like women never play video games, like/watch football, etc. Insulting!
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By Adlib on Jan 27, 2010
Just noticed the funny headline “the hour men crave sex most”. I’d say that would be any hour of the day. Really.
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TJ Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 12:37 pm
It’s actually first thing in the morning, what a bombshell! I’m pretty sure it’s attached to the fact that most people feel kind of gross first thing in the morning, so don’t usually have morning sex, so he probably WANTS morning sex specifically because it’s so rare. Cosmo is so skilled at pointing out the most obvious aspects of human nature!
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Adlib Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 1:02 pm
I just don’t understand the whole morning thing because why would he want it even when you feel and may actually be gross? I had this very conversation with my husband last weekend, but I still don’t know.
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Skraps Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 1:25 pm
We have found a way around this. We get up brush our teeth, shower. Do our business then shower again. Rough on the water bill, but works on that whole morning sex thing.
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Craig Reply:
January 29th, 2010 at 3:54 pm
So.. the real reason is.. haven’t you ever noticed how men generally wake up with an erection? Sure it may be just because we have to go.. but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t also get our hormones kickin’.. plus it’s a great way to start your day! And the whole gross thing? That’s a woman thing, not a guy thing.
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By Vronak on Jan 27, 2010
Now every time you allude to “someone”, I’m going to wonder if you mean Phil or his ex…
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TJ Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 12:36 pm
You’d think context clues would help!
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Vronak Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 12:38 pm
There’ve been a ton of context clues over the past year that something else was going on, and I/we missed them all… I have no faith in my ability to read between your lines any more!
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TJ Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 12:40 pm
Well, in this case I’ll help you out – our roommate doesn’t use our bathroom, nor subscribe to Maxim, nor have a thing for Amanda Bynes in her underpants.
As for past incidents, I assure you – unless I specifically said “our roommate,” I was talking about Phil.
EXCEPT for the article about Buffalo SOMETHING, because we were yelling at each other so loudly, she was the one who woke up and yelled “BUFFALO EXCHANGE” from another room.
Otherwise, I promise, I haven’t secretly mentioned her. I’ve been pretty careful to keep her biz outta mah blog.
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Vronak Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 12:51 pm
“…nor have a thing for Amanda Bynes in her underpants.”
Errr, how do you know what the roommate has in her underpants??
(See what I did there? *beams*)
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Skraps Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 1:26 pm
@Vronak
giggle giggle
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Pablo Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 2:40 pm
btw – just saying – that Maxim is the same as Cosmo. Except instead of being ditzy, clothes obsessed, moronic whores, all guys are ditzy, beer and extreme sports obsessed, moronic whores. But seriously, Amanda Bynes in her undies?…what issue was that again, wonder if it’s still on the newstand…
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Skraps Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 3:58 pm
@ Pablo…
Actually the issue with amanad bynes on the cover has an awesome article on the 25 best american beers.
Except they totally blow all their credibility when they put Bud Light Wheat, and Pyramids EXTREME heffeweises (Haywire) in the list.
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By BlueTiger on Jan 27, 2010
wait what valentine? I admit I skimmed this one (living on the other side of the atlantic, I don’t get Cosmo..) and the word valentine jumped up at me. And Idonwanna!! Why? It’s scary!! I mean, I’ve only been with my boyfriend like two months, and I have a tendency to start laughing when he tries to do romantic things – i can’t start laughing on Valentine, can I? Must one be lovey-dovey on Valentines? Can’t I just give him a boost through all three wings of SM? Won’t that be romantic enough?
sorry for not reading either post or comments, I got side-tracked by panic.
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By Delicia on Jan 27, 2010
I have to say, I don’t give a flip for underwear “style”.. I just want to be comfie, and NOT have to see anyone else’s underwear.
My husband and I have an agreement, I tell him I’ll wear a thong if he wears one first. So far he hasn’t gone for it.
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By PJ on Jan 27, 2010
“This writer wonders if maybe seeing behind the scenes of Cosmo lead the to completely disavow everything they’ve ever read in Cosmo, allowing them to suddenly land a man!”
Eye to eye, TJ. Eye to eye.
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By Superjules on Jan 27, 2010
I want you to come over and read my magazines TO me.
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By rachael on Jan 27, 2010
*pokes her head out of lurker-land*Just wanted you to know that I love these. Keep em up :D *retreats*
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By Amy on Jan 28, 2010
Another five bucks saved so I don’t have to buy the magazine. Thanks, TEEJ!!! :D
((Touch his penis – Hahahahahaha. Oh my why didn’t WE mere women think of that!?!))
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By Carrie on Jan 28, 2010
“I’m going to touch you with my fist.”
I almost fell out of my chair. Thank you, TJ, for getting me to realize why my hubby always shakes his head bemusedly when I want to buy one of these.
Can you believe that these magazines used to be bigger? I found an old Elle in my closet, and it was easily four times as thick as the one I bought a few weeks ago. So. Many. ADS. It took me five minutes just to find the page with the table of contents on it!
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Adlib Reply:
January 28th, 2010 at 1:20 pm
I agree…that line was so funny!
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By Melchoir on Jan 28, 2010
“Actually, you’re gross, and you have mesh prints and pastie-stick all over you.”
“I’m going to touch you with my fist.”
TJ, I was thoroughly amused by the first and floored by the second. That sounds so very much like a comeback I would use. You have made Cosmo something even we guys can enjoy.
Cheers.
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By Swistle on Jan 28, 2010
I look forward to these all month.
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By Susie on Jan 28, 2010
This was exceptionally awesome. I appreciate all that you do for us busy ladies :)
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By Craig on Jan 29, 2010
I’m still trying to figure out why you have a subscription to Cosmo… while I must admit that your review was very funny. I was also feeling sick at the same time at the actual “articles” in the thing.
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