Was almost stirred to something kind of resembling a bleached out version of mild righteous outrage.
June 16th, 2011 | by TJ |So, I’ve indicated here, with no small degree of rage, that breastfeeding wasn’t exactly a super happy fun time around here for a while, but we’ve got our issues sorted out at this point. For the most part. Penny does seem to suffer some strange brand of infant amnesia that only kicks in after 9pm and is only localized to remembering how to breastfeed, since she CERTAINLY REMEMBERS HOW TO SCREAM.
“Ok, I need to make the food come out. It’s a kick start, right? I kick you in the right boob to rev up the left one? Um, a little help here, because I’m kicking and kicking and nothing’s happening and it’s not making it any easier with you trying to jam my feet into your armpit like that. Oh. OH. Silly me. I don’t know what I was thinking there. Here, I’ve got it now. I’m just going to claw… right… here… where’s that latch? It’s got to be around here… sorry, sorry. I just have to claw a liiiiiittle bit harder… What the hell. Where’s the juice? How does this thing open? Pardon, pardon, I just realized I was slapping you in the face over and over with both hands while shrieking at the top of my lungs. I guess I thought it was a combination cheek-button/shrill password system. Gosh. Where’s my head tonight? I’ve got it now. Let me just bite the valve. Annnnnddd… BITE!”
Anyway. I don’t think I’m an advocate of any kind for breastfeeding. I really wanted to do it for a variety of reasons, but Penny got a lot of formula and I’m perfectly okay with that. When I was upset about her taking so many bottles, it wasn’t because I was anti-formula, it was because I was upset that nursing wasn’t working out. Additionally, I don’t care what anyone else does. I really don’t. It’s such a personal choice, I’m not giving anyone a side eye or an eyebrow or any other eye-related gesture no matter their choice.
Well, okay, if you decide that you’re going to formula feed without ever even trying to breastfeed because you just don’t want to, I might give you a little bit of a look, but not a “that’s a BAD DECISION” look. More like a, “wow, it must be nice to be made COMPLETELY OUT OF DOLLARS” look. But that’s just because Phil was the one who went to the store and bought formula for Penny all those weeks ago and I just now came to after hearing the cost. That’s right. I’ve been passed out on the kitchen floor for a month and a half.
I do think the advantages of breastfeeding are pretty undeniable, but I’m very “to each their own” on this matter, just like most other issues that tend to gather fervent activism. I have feelings on the matter, opinions, even, but feel no need to stump for the issue or get involved with awareness and all of that. I could spin it and say that this is because I don’t want to intrude on anyone’s personal decisions, but it’s more than that, too. I’m just lazy. And I don’t care enough. That’s what it comes down to, if I’m going to be all ugly-honest. I think it matters, and I have feelings about it, but I just don’t care enough to actually do anything.
And don’t act like that makes me gross. There are probably a lot of issues you really care about, or at least claim to really care about, without taking any action, and you can have 800 excuses for not taking any action, but what it comes down to is, of course, not caring enough to overcome those excuses or, in my case, laziness.
However. Something happened recently and I was almost stirred to something kind of resembling a bleached out version of mild righteous outrage. Almost.
My cousin had a baby shortly before Penny’s arrival. In the course of conversation when my mom was here, she let me know that my cousin wasn’t able to breastfeed and had found this out pretty early on. With every intention to breastfeed myself, I inquired a little further and was told that she was told she wouldn’t be able to. I told my mom that that kind of sounded like crap, considering that when she was told this, the baby was only a few days old. Well, my mom told me, her lactation consultant had checked out her equipment and said it wouldn’t be possible.
I let it go at that, because I was hugely pregnant and REALLY annoyed about it, thus pretty self-absorbed. More so than usual, even.
Since my cousin and I both have new babies, we haven’t had much time to catch up recently, and finally ended up texting back and forth for a while yesterday afternoon.
We eventually got to the topic of breastfeeding, and I told her about how Penny had gone from never nursing at all to being exclusively breastfed at 5 and a half weeks. She asked a couple of questions about how I kept supply up and how those 5 weeks went, and I started to get kind of suspicious.
When she asked me if I thought there was still any chance at all of her increasing her supply (she was nursing morning & night but giving formula otherwise, since she was told she would never produce enough milk), I was alarmed.
I started asking her questions about what she was told and by who – her lactation consultant felt her breasts at 5 days post partum and told her she wouldn’t ever produce enough milk. She then said, “I encourage you to try, but if you don’t get much milk in the first 2 weeks, you’ll never breastfeed, because that’s what determines supply.”
She also had a nurse tell her that her only option for increasing supply was “a medication that you have to get from Canada, because it’s illegal here – don’t tell anyone I told you!”
At that point, texting wasn’t enough, and we ended up having an hour long phone call.
Between a breastfeeding class, a lactation consultant, and a nurse at the hospital, here is the information that DIDN’T make it to my cousin:
- how the supply and demand system of breastfeeding works
- the existence of herbs and things like fenugreek, Mother’s Milk Tea, Motherlove’s More Milk Plus, etc
- power pumping to increase supply
- that the amount she could pump had little to NOTHING to do with how much milk she could produce
- SIX BILLION OTHER THINGS, OH MY GOD.
My cousin is not stupid. And she was very motivated to breastfeed. And all the professionals around her flat out failed her. The more we talked, the angrier she got. Now, I know that all this information is readily available on the Internet, but some people are Internet checkers and some are not. Regardless, the experts surrounding her told her one thing and she had no reason not to trust them. The experts.
We talked for a long time and I was able to give her a lot of the information that I had, as well as several resources that I found helpful. And I know she’s going to look into them. You should understand that she didn’t give up on exclusively breastfeeding because she didn’t want to. She was heartbroken to be told she’d never breastfeed. On top of that, even 3 months out now, she’s got good goals – to even replace one formula feeding with breastfeeding, or to even pump one extra ounce a day.
I’m glad I was able to give my cousin that information and I have to say I’m really impressed that she’s still so dedicated and willing to keep trying and working at it, even just a few days before she’s scheduled to go back to work.
We talked about a lot of things. We talked about how the breastfeeding classes we both took were great for the mechanics, but never really addressed the fact that it might not work right off the bat and that that WASN’T a rare phenomenon. That allowing women to think that breastfeeding would come naturally and easily to the point that when it doesn’t, there’s shame and other twisted emotions tied up in it is really kind of irresponsible. And just generally commiserated about having a really hard time with nursing and the irrational thoughts and feelings that we dealt with.
Once I got off the phone and thought about it more, I started to get kind of angry in a mild, not getting out of this chair kind of way.
I totally respect the right of every single person to choose to breastfeed or formula feed. And I certainly understand ANY situation in which giving formula becomes necessary, no matter HOW many over the top activists (and there ARE over the top activists) shame formula use. I don’t feel bad for ONE OUNCE of formula that Penny had. It had to be done, and I kept working toward my personal goals the whole time.
The thing is, though, my cousin was at a good hospital. In a non-low income area. With “support.” A class. A lactation consultant – practically a luxury. Nursing staff. A whole team of people giving her information on breastfeeding. And yet, come to find out, she had next to no information.
And I thought more about it – if you’ll recall, my lactation consultant sucked a big fat one, too. And I thought more. The only reason I have as much information as I do is because I was on bed rest for three months and had the luxury of time to dick around on the Internet and gather information. That, plus the unwavering support of Twitter and forums and even customer service of the website where I was buying my nursing bras. Seriously.
But I sought all that out on my own. I wasn’t really given information by anyone. Hell, a pump was dropped off in my hospital room and no one even showed me how to use it.
When I say that I’m fine with any decision regarding breastfeeding and formula, I think I was assuming that for the most part, most people were operating with all of the information. That these days, hospitals were offering a lot more support to mothers who wanted to breastfeed. That birthing classes, breastfeeding classes, and lactation consultants were providing COMPLETE and ACCURATE information – even the BASICS – as well as strong support (which, good GOD, I will tell you is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY – I call mine Phil and I would NOT be breastfeeding if not for his support. Flat out would not have happened.).
Except apparently, that’s not true. And okay, fine, maybe I was completely naive up to this point, but again I point you up to the point about not really caring enough to get all investigative about it.
But here’s my cousin, someone who tried to breastfeed right off the bat, who sought out classes and lactation consultants, who gave every indication of desperately wanting to breastfeed, who is still doing as many nursing sessions a day as she can even AFTER being told she’d never be able to breastfeed… and the people who were supposed to be providing that complete and accurate information completely FAILED.
Okay, I’m stupid or whatever, but I can’t believe that’s happening. Again, for the four billionth time, I respect everyone’s right to make whichever choice they WANT to make and that’s not even getting into the respect I have for people making decisions about what NEEDS to be done. I guess I just thought that the people making these choices were operating with all the information.
But when someone as motivated as my cousin is reacting with shock and anger at the very BASIC information that I was giving her, in complete disbelief that no one ever told her any of it, that she was told she’d never be able to supply enough for her baby based on a lactation consultant FEELING her breasts, I’m kind of blown away.
I don’t even know what I’m saying. I guess I’m saying I’m shocked.
Tags: boobs in general, breastfeeding, breastfeeding issues, lactation consultants
By Kristina on Jun 16, 2011
I was also underwhelmed with both of my lactation consultants. BF is one of the hardest, most frustrating things EVER and the people whose job it is to help us with it should GIVE US ALL THE INFORMATION. Ridiculous. Your cousin is lucky to have you as a resource and for support.
Also-don’t you wonder how people in third world countries do it?? I mean, here we are on our high U.S.A. horse with all this information and we still have to struggle through it.
Also also- I would like to know why, if it’s the best thing for the baby, God or the creator or WHOEVER didn’t make it just a teensy bit easier. Seriously. Why must it be so hard??
Whew. I think I’m done.
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TJ Reply:
June 16th, 2011 at 9:36 am
What gets me – what GOT me, even before this thing with my cousin – is that we’re lead the believe that it’s so natural that it will come easily and if it DOESN’T, it automatically means you MUST be one of the rare cases where it isn’t going to work.
I think you have to be pretty familiar with the Internet and the people who have been generous with sharing their struggles to know that difficulties are SO COMMON and you are SO NOT THE ONLY ONE struggling and it DOESN’T mean it can’t happen.
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Kristina Reply:
June 16th, 2011 at 9:43 am
Yes!! I do not know a single person, a SINGLE one, even some of my friends who are hard-core BF’ers that didn’t struggle at some point. And that didn’t struggle almost to the point of giving up. No one tells you that.
I have friends who are pregnant and even I’ve held back telling them how hard it is, I guess b/c I didn’t want to discourage them before they even started? So I suppose that’s why people aren’t more honest, but that’s not exactly fair. Because then they’re left thinking that my experience wasn’t so bad and OMG at time, mine sucked SO bad.
I think I want to start a website about REAL breastfeeding. There is obviously a real need for one.
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kakaty Reply:
June 16th, 2011 at 11:56 am
I think that in the US an entire generation (our mothers) (and many of the people who are now “experts” are of that generation, too) who didn’t breastfeed…they were told it was unnecessary and formula was better. So much knowledge was lost and our generation suffers. In 3rd world countries you don’t have a choice…you breastfeed or the baby doesn’t survive and since everyone does it there is more transparancy around the trials and stuggles that happen at the start. And in countries with very high rates of breastfeeding there is no surprise that the built-in support system is AMAZING.
I try not to scare new moms with the OMG It’s So Hard! line. Because IME after the first 4-6 weeks it’s not very hard. But if they ask, I will tell them it’s a battle and for the first 4-6 weeks you have to think of it as your job – something frustrating that you do for 8-10 hours of the day.
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Brooke Reply:
June 16th, 2011 at 12:52 pm
I totally agree about the experts not breast-feeding, and also not being breastfed themselves. Somehow in a recent discussion with my husband’s grandmother (a mother of SEVEN), it came up that she hadn’t breastfed and I was shocked. I would have thought that would be the norm, but she seemed to think it was almost crazy that she would have breastfed. My mom breastfed me (but not my sister), but I think she had a very different mentality, and my parents were quite hard-up for money when I was born. Formula was out of the question.
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TJ Reply:
June 16th, 2011 at 12:58 pm
I wonder about those women who truly, legitimately cannot breastfeed for WHATEVER reason who find themselves faced with the cost of formula. Because, holy shit.
At a point when I really didn’t think Penny would ever breastfeed, I remember just staring at Phil in bewilderment, trying to calculate exactly how much formula that was going to be, because that would be an ENORMOUS chunk out of our budget. ENORMOUS.
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Amy Reply:
June 16th, 2011 at 1:26 pm
I breastfeed exclusively-ish for nearly 10 months (aka a bottle here or there occassionally), so we had to buy formula for like two months for daycare when we switched to half BF/Half formula and HOLY JEEZ. That stuff is expensive. I’d use the coupons and everything, but I can’t imagine paying that for a full year. We finally got a generic wholesale brand that had a HUUUUUUUGGEEEE container for like $20 and was the same-ish as Enfamil. But still. I’m surprised people can afford to formula feed babies!
By Kristina on Jun 16, 2011
Also also also (and I promise I’ll shut up after this) but your Penny-while-nursing impression in this post made me laugh out loud. SO spot-on!
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By -R- on Jun 16, 2011
I can get on the activism bandwagon of we need better information, better educators, and more support. But I get lost because I feel like the current breastfeeding advocates are advocating AGAINST formula, not FOR helping moms. Maybe that’s just my perception, but it makes me avoid/turn away from most breastfeeding discussions.
So yeah, I agree with you. I’m not shocked, but I’m really disappointed on behalf of your cousin. I hope she is able to build up her supply.
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TJ Reply:
June 16th, 2011 at 9:42 am
I feel the same way. I spent a lot of time looking for advice on how best to balance Penny’s formula supplement with as much breast milk as I could pump. It was SO HARD to find answers that weren’t, “You don’t NEED to supplement. Whoever told you to give the baby formula was wrong” or “Just stop giving bottles and give the baby the breast.” Anti-formula is NOT the answer for me. There’s got to be some middle ground of support, right?
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Dawn K. Reply:
June 16th, 2011 at 10:07 am
The middle ground is pretty much non-existent. We dealt with low blood sugar issues while in the hospital. I was more than happy to supplement with formula to help the situation. I used one of those supplemental feeder do-hickeys to facilitate formula delivery. The nurse questioned why I wouldn’t just use a bottle. The lactation specialist asked if I really thought formula was necessary at this point.
Indiana Jones would probably have a harder time finding the middle ground in BF discussions than he would the holy grail.
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By Dawn K. on Jun 16, 2011
Oh, it’s happening alright.
I’m an internet researcher person, and was committed to doing my best to BF for the entire first year. I read about so many issues that I could encounter, I thought my eyeballs surely would turn into boobs.
However, research online is one thing, actual support in person is what seals the deal. The first few lactation ‘specialists’ (not even certified LCs) would merely say that I was doing the best I could, and send me on my way with a pat on my back. When I mentioned that I was sure Ella had a sensitivity to dairy(which she did), the LS I dealt with sternly said that there is no way anything I eat could affect the baby (I wanted to smack her!).
Stupidly, even after what I read online, I took everyone’s advice (including my local La Leche) and waited until just 2 weeks before I returned to work to purchase my pump and familiarize myself with that whole debacle.
When dealing with a low supply, pumping, and possible hindmilk/foremilk imbalance, the three calls to a LL member who also pumped and worked were never returned.
I’m not entirely stupid (but by no means do I consider myself brilliant) and considered myself well versed and prepared for challenges, but after 4 1/2 months, had to give up because the stress was just too much (at least an hour of screaming at night, refusing the boob for the most part but scarfing a bottle) on me and the rest of the family (including my stepdaughter, who missed having me for bed time routine). I don’t blame anyone, but damn some actual, real life intelligent support would have been helpful.
(Sorry to hijack, but I obviously have some feelings of outrage as well.)
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By Rayne of Terror on Jun 16, 2011
When I was still in the hospital with my eldest the lactation consultant would breeze in and say Tummy To Tummy and breeze out. That’s it. So disheartening. After a couple weeks at home I ordered Dr. Sears “The Breastfeeding Book” and found it to be an excellent resource for figuring things out.
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By Roberta on Jun 16, 2011
I feel ya. I have seen friend after friend after friend give up breastfeeding entirely because they had no frigging idea what to expect. I tried and tried to tell them to go see a certain LC group, or to find a good LC that was NOT in the hospital. Again, well-educated, well-off women in all the best hospitals in affluent areas. But there is only so much to tell people without becoming *that* offensive crazy lactivist person. They are adults who have to make their own choices, and they do. It’s just that I feel like so many women would not give up if they actually had support and realistic information. I’m like you – I sought it out, did tons of research, lined up resources online and I was absolutely determined to breastfeed if I could. (And I was lucky – the worst problems I had were sore nipples for a few weeks and oversupply. Hardly insurmountable, but quite uncomfortable and frustrating – enought to make a lot of people quit, I am sure.) But if you don’t seek out the real, helpful info, you don’t get it. At all. That’s where the big failure is to me.
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By Melissa on Jun 16, 2011
My 5.5-week-old son is on the same program as Penny, I swear. Your description was completely accurate!
I am as appalled as you are. Even though this time nursing came SO much easier for me & the baby, it was still hard. It IS still hard. And I’ve had every benefit of the lactation consultant, blah blah, and they don’t say “Hey, this is not going to be easy!” I think they are afraid of being accused of discouraging breastfeeding, so they are afraid to paint a realistic picture. They are afraid La Leche League will sue or something.
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By Cayt on Jun 16, 2011
That’s some serious bullshit going on right there. Surely lactation consultants have an interest in having some kind of success rate? I mean, acknowledging to people that it’s hard and might not click is a good thing, but people should have as much information as is out there!
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By Erin on Jun 16, 2011
I am practically seething by the end of this post, when my daughter was born I luckily had some really great lactation consultants and a great pediatrician who supported breastfeeding and helping me out in anyway they could. My friend however pretty much got the same treatment as your cousin. She had the worst pain while breastfeeding and I tried my best to help her but she followed the experts advice and ended up giving up on breastfeeding.
Recently she came to me and told me her daughter was tongue-tied (almost TWO YEARS LATER this was discovered), pretty much what I told her to have checked out, and told me she wished she had listened to me before and had her checked out. It’s surprising the amount of bad advice some of these experts give. If you even look like you are struggling or even have the tiniest bit of doubt they tell you to throw in the towel, it’s ridiculous. I applaud you for talking to your cousin and I hope she listens and is able to breastfeed successfully like the wanted to.
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By Jade on Jun 16, 2011
So wonderful you were able to talk to her and help her! I’m sure she’s excited to try and EBF.
I took a breastfeeding class, worked with a lactation consultant at the hospital and left breastfeeding. When I got home and the “baby blues” kicked in the next day, I couldn’t BF anymore. I was MISERABLE. I was extremely motivated, but in the end, I couldn’t do it emotionally. No one tells you just how bad the emotions are.
But my network of information outside of the Internet was excellent, and I’m so sorry that your cousin’s network failed her. I was given information on pumps, La Leche League, the out-patient lactation center in town, etc. I did AMAZING breastfeeding. I just fell apart emotionally and still struggle with the guilt.
Is my baby thriving and happy? YES! I just struggle with the fact that, physically, there was no reason not to BF.
Will I try with child #2 when that day comes? I think I will. I’ll know what to expect, I’ll know how to handle myself better. Or I’ll fall apart again and watch my husband pick up the pieces. ;)
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By Melissa on Jun 16, 2011
With my first I had no idea how difficult it would be. My milk doesn’t come in until at least day 5 after delivery, that’s just how I roll apparently. I had no idea that was even a possibility, I assume, labor, delivery, MILK! But no, those first few weeks were torturous. I supplemented with formula, reluctantly at first, but I had to and she needed it. We got home, relaxed, keep at the breastfeeding and she eventually learned to latch properly and we were pros at it by the end of month 1. With our 2nd kid, I knew that it would be awful and that I just wouldn’t have milk without a miracle until well into the first week. (Also, I’m too lazy for fenugreek and mother’s milk etc..so i didn’t even bother, i just pumped nonstop). So I immediately gave her formula, still attempting breastfeeding, but it was stupid, she’d just get angry and hungry. I got looks from nurses, but I knew I was right. Got home, same deal, 5-7 days in, hello milk, hello latch, all is well. None of the nurses or LC people were that helpful. Not a single one said, “this is hard, it takes a while, like weeks or more, to get it working right”. So. I’m angry right along with you. A real breastfeeding site sounds like a great idea.
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By bessie.viola on Jun 16, 2011
Yes, this. I also get angry about this, because it’s like breastfeeding is some secret handshake you have to jump through 50 hoops to learn. I gave up trying at about 3 weeks in and then pumped exclusively for 10 months. I was lucky that I was able to do that, honestly, what with the shitty LC experience I had in the hospital and all the conflicting information I got. And I AM a researched. I read the SHIT out of the internet re: boobs but it’s just that secret handshake. You can’t know it until you try it, and there are so few people to teach it.
Really good post… it truly conveys the odd befuddlement I feel about the whole experience.
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By Delicia on Jun 16, 2011
With my first, I struggled for a week to try to get the hang of BFing. NO one told me it would be difficult, what to expect, pump, NOTHING. I didn’t even know to ask for a lactation consultant, and back in those days (hey, that was over 20 yrs ago) I wasn’t the nethead I am now with using the internet as a resource.
I gave up. It HURT to BF. It was frustrating, we were giving bottles to supplement anyway, it was just too hard and I had NO information and NO support. I didn’t think it was going to get any better, so why continue trying?
With my second and third children I didn’t even try, I figured it was just me, I couldn’t do it. Now I really wish I had taken the time to research and try again. I didn’t know it could take WEEKS, or even months, for all the pieces to fit together and make it work. I was lazy, and in a financial place where I *could* do formula exclusively so I took the easy way out.
I wish there had been a GOOD place online that wasn’t judgey-mcjudgey pants on using formula to supplement, that told you REALLY what it’s like at the beginning, that had all the info about herbals/teas to supplement milk (which I didn’t even know existed until YOU, TJ, posted about them), and more.
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By Mommiepie on Jun 16, 2011
I came to realize long ago that there are no experts. On anything. If I care enough about something or know it will affect my life somehow, I take responsibility for educating myself on the topic as thoroughly as possible. ESPECIALLY when it comes to health/medical professionals. Doctors/nurses are people. They have good days and bad days. Some days they give good advice and some days they have plans after work and half ass it till the day is over. Patients tend to defer to them as the all mighty know it all of the “condition affecting my life right now” because they are desperate for information and relying on the professional to tell them what to do to make it better/easier/ whatever. Except the med professionals don’t always get it right and they don’t always care and some of them are ass holes and some of them are dumb. Half of all doctors graduated in the bottom half of their class. I’m just saying you HAVE to be your own advocate. Great information will rarely simply be given to you just because you expect it will. Ask questions. Seek out second opinions. You just have to…
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By Amanda on Jun 16, 2011
That is awful. I’m glad she has been informed. Perhaps you should be a LC. I think you would be better than 75% of the ones out there now! I know the first child I had, it stressed me OUT. Second, I knew more of what I was doing and things eventually worked. Considering the advice your cousin was given, it would take all I had in me not to call her LC and tell her a bit about reality.
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By Kate on Jun 16, 2011
It was like that for me, although not so flat-out egregious. I felt like I had no breastfeeding support from the medical community with the single exception of my daughter’s pediatrician. I was just flat out given wrong information about medications I was taking and how they affected my ability to breastfeed. And when I found out that I had been given wrong information, there was very little institutional or medical support for turning that around. I managed to (it was earlier than your cousin – my daughter was about three weeks old) but it was a real struggle, and I persevered only through the support of my husband, who never once suggested, at my daughter’s anger over my attempts to switch to the boob, that I give up.
What’s even more sad is that I was so determined, with my second, to have greater control of the process and he was STILL given formula without my permission. Only once, and now he’s a breastfeeding champ, but it still pissed me off.
And for the record, I’m not anti-formula either. It’s just incredibly sad that women are not supported in whatever their intent is, be it breast or bottle feeding.
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By Jessica on Jun 16, 2011
My most recent lactation consultant was terrible. She assumed that because I had nursed my other two kids, nursing the third would be a breeze. There’s a learning curve each and every time, and I really needed her support. After I was discharged I read her notes in my baby’s chart and she went on and on about how insecure I seemed and unsure of myself and nursing. Then why didn’t you help me!? She also was vehemently opposed to my asking for a pump in the hospital. I was the pump for the parts I would get to take home and use on my personal pump! It was my right to ask for it! Gah!
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By Brooke on Jun 16, 2011
I know who I’m coming to when it’s my time…
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By Debbie on Jun 16, 2011
wow I’m shocked too at the total lack of support going on in the hospitals. I would ask for them to deduct that part of the bill and strongly suggest they evaluate and retrain their consultants. Mommas and new babies have enough hurdles to overcome as it is with starting a new family. To say that someone cannot nurse based on feeling their breasts is, in point of fact, blazingly, incandescently, stupid.
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By Swistle on Jun 16, 2011
A lactation consultant told my cousin that because the newborn was eating every hour, that meant my cousin wasn’t making enough milk and he was starving.
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By cagey on Jun 16, 2011
My head just exploded. A friend of my sister’s pumped religiously to increase her supply. She was a crazy woman who pumped religiously, on the dot, every two hours for several months to increase her supply. She did eventually increase her supply and I am certainly not suggesting everyone should be so zealous. But holy crap.
If a woman can’t ever increase her supply, then how does her body provide enough milk for a baby that oh, let’s imagine GROWS and will eventually require MORE MILK? Fucking magic?
And now, I would like to go kiss each of my former lactation consultants!
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By Mama Bub on Jun 16, 2011
Immediately after his birth, my son was taken to the nursery for closer observation. He was brought back four hours later. Right before they brought him back, they gave him a bottle. To this day I don’t know WHY they gave him a bottle if they were bringing him directly to me. ANYWAY. The nursery nurse handed him to me and told me, prior to nursing him ONE SINGLE TIME, that he powered down the bottle that they gave him, and most likely I would never be able to keep up with his demand. After six months of exclusive breastfeeding, he weighed 21 pounds and it was all I could do not to march my round baby into that hospital nursery and… do something to that nurse. This was in a hospital that is known for its exemplary maternity ward.
I was never able to pump more than two ounces at a time, yet after breastfeeding my daughter for a year, she was 26 pounds. I would say that’s a strong indication that my nursing supply was greater than my pumping supply.
My head, it wants to blow into a million pieces after reading this post.
My head is ready to explode
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By Mary K on Jun 16, 2011
the sad fact is, most doctors and nurses have extremely minimal training for breastfeeding. As in, one class if you’re lucky. Most “lactation consultants” aren’t certified with anyone. It’s incredible how much wrong information is being given to new mothers.
As for the problems encountered, most women have never seen a woman actually breastfeeding. In so many other cultures, there isn’t the same taboo so girls grow up around it. Without the shame attached to breastfeeding, it is much easier to ask for help and receive it.
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By Issabee on Jun 16, 2011
You are right on the mark with this post. And its the same the world over. Breastfeeding is really really difficult to do. The majority of people seem to have trouble getting started yet there is no warning about this from health professionals before hand.
I expected second time round that it would be the same as the first and it was so much harder and completely different. Why? Because my son doesn’t suck properly. Why aren’t we warned that not only do we have to learn to breastfeed but the baby does too. Sure its natural but they still have to learn how to do it. At 4 months I still have to watch my son and make sure he is attached properly or I will get sore nipples, yet again.
I have a friend who couldn’t breast feed either of her babies because of the shape of their chin/mouth and her breast. In both cases she pumped for 6months. That is serious dedication!
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By Rhonda on Jun 16, 2011
In NZ recently we’ve had ads on TV about how breastfeeding is hard and to stick with it. They don’t go into any details, I guess they just wanted to get it out there that yes it is hard but keep trying.
Before I saw these I had absolutely no idea that it wouldn’t be the easiest thing in the world.
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By Veronica on Jun 16, 2011
I get all twitchy when I hear things like this, because I’ve seen some women fight and fight to breastfeed after situations like your cousins. Where is the information? The ‘sometimes it can take 6 weeks for everything to work’? Just, ughh.
And like you, I totally respect everyone’s right to make the best decision for their baby and their breasts, but it feels like the professionals are failing more and more women.
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By Josefina on Jun 16, 2011
My two sons were exclusively breastfed. The older one had maybe a bottle and a half of formula to supplement until my milk came in, but other than that, just breastmilk. It was a struggle for me, especially in the beginning with that horrible, toe-curling pain. I remember thinking to myself that I thought this was natural, I thought it just happened. No. Want to know something crazy? I have friends who have lots of kids–five, six, TEN kids. They’re ladies who breastfeed. Anyway, the one who has six just had the sixth and she was JUST TOLD that the toe-curling pain? It is avoidable. I couldn’t believe it when she told me. I sat there with my mouth dropped open like an idiot. But seriously? It took until her SIXTH to be given that information. And she is a huge researcher, reader, as am I. So, yes, you are right. The information isn’t making it to everyone who needs it.
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By Nancy on Jun 16, 2011
I had 3 lactation consultants in one day. In ONE day. It was the only day I got help. All 3 told me different things and the first one TOSSED MT BOPPY to the side and told me it was bad for me to use?!?! She made me use pillows and made me use a position I told her felt un-natural and uncomfortable to me because it was right. I ended up formula feeding. I also cried at the price and was thankful my baby did not need special formula.
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By JCF on Jun 16, 2011
I completely agree that whether a woman chooses to formula-feed or breastfeed is her business, with no judgment (or even a second glance) from me. That being said, I know exactly one friend who formula fed because she WANTED to. I know many, many who desperately wanted to breastfeed and “couldn’t” (whether they actually couldn’t or were given bad information). It is so infuriating to me how many nurses, doctors, pediatricians, and even lactation consultants I’ve heard of who have given truly terrible advice.
When my oldest was less than 12 hours old, I had a nurse tell me that my problem was that I was exclusively breastfeeding. The issue was that my son hadn’t yet peed, which I later found out was extremely normal at less than 24 hours old. I resisted some hard core pressure to supplement at that point, but only because I had done a ton of research prior to his birth. If I hadn’t been so informed, I’m sure I’d have crumbled!
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By Marie Green on Jun 17, 2011
I think this goes to the very root of the problem (a problem that carries over into doctors, too), and that’s that medically trained people are not usually very educated on NORMAL HUMAN bodies. In their training, a great deal of time is spent on What To Do When A Human Body Fails and very little time is spent on This Is What A Normal Body Is Capable Of. So someone with a low milk supply? BODY MUST BE FAILING instead of “yep, that happens to normal people.”
So when you have Lactation NURSES– yes, medically trained nurses– helping breastfeeding woman, their training is very different than if you seek bfing advice from a midwife, say. Because a midwife dwells with people that are having NORMAL nursing experiences and a midwife believes that a body is normal until proven otherwise. (I’m not talking about lactavists here; they are just as bad as anyone in this problem.)
Like you, I feel that every family and every baby has different needs, and the decisions of how to feed the baby are personal. But the amount of MISinformation about bfing out there is ASTOUNDING and makes me really angry. I’m happy to say the the bfing class that I teach (as well as the LC’s at our hospital) DO cover the points you mentioned. Whew.
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By Marie Green on Jun 17, 2011
Also, I’m a doula and teach childbirth AND breastfeeding classes, and when my third child was born, I had some medical complications that led to needing several more minor surgeries and lots of tests afterward. I wish I had kept count the number of medical professionals (people in white coats or scrubs) that told me, over and over, that I would have to quit nursing my (NEWBORN!) baby for x or y or z reason. (There were at LEAST 15-20 such incidences). _I_ would then trot off to my trustee lactation person (and employee of the SAME hospital) and she would look up the medication, procedure, or whatever for me, print off why I COULD still breastfeed and why, and I would take it back to whoever was saying I couldn’t.
In all my medical drama after my daughter’s birth, not ONE medical professional offered to check with lactation FOR me (again, she was their COWORKER), NOR did they even direct me to seeking lactation’s advice. They would just say “I’m sorry. The medication you need for this procedure means you can’t breastfeed for 96 hours” or whatever, and when I’d try to argue on my own, they’d dismiss me. Again, I was a doula AND a bfing instructor and most of my providers KNEW THIS and I was STILL treated this way.
Also, in EVERY case I WAS able to continue breastfeeding. Only once there was a drug that really wasn’t safe, and in that case the lactation person gave me a list of 5 OTHER drugs that WERE safe, and I convinced my dr to use one of those instead.
Sorry to write so much, but MAN. SO MUCH MIS-INFORMATION!!!
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By Tempest Wind on Jun 17, 2011
That’s ridiculous. I’m mortified and angry. You’d think the medical world would at least have a bit of a clue about something! God, we’re people, not machines. We need instructions. >:(
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By melissac on Jun 17, 2011
We had great support at my hospital. I was seen at least once a day by a LC while I was in the hospital (the last day, it was once a feeding!)Weekly, there was a support class that you could go to and talk to other moms. It was free and run by one of the three LC’s on staff. You could have your baby weighed to make sure she was gaining at an appropriate rate (usually 3-5 oz/wk). If you were having trouble, the LC or other moms would offer suggestions. Both the tea and fenugreek were discussed regularly, along with drinking plenty of water. It was really great. And, I didn’t really realize how lucky I was. You could come until your baby was 1 year and some people brought older siblings that weren’t in school yet. If formula was needed, there really was no judgement. We had some moms who only BFed once a day and some who exclusively BFed. They said over and over it should be enjoyable for mom and baby and the baby should be growing and thriving.
I will admit that one of the LC’s was a little intense (Formula can be recalled! Everyone can BF!) and sometimes the info wasn’t the same from one LC to another (gain should be 2 oz a week, no 3-5, no growth is ok as long as they are getting longer), but overall if you went enough, you got the confidence you needed. We exclaimed over each other’s babies, were sympathetic to pain or sleeplessness, and cheered each other on.
I wish that for everyone.
Incidentally, this hospital didn’t require you to deliver at that hospital. So, struggling moms maybe check all local hospitals for support. It was open to anyone breastfeeding wiht a baby. Just my two cents…
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By Linnea Welch on Jun 17, 2011
I think has really just cemented in my head that I need to get over my fear of forums & message boards. I’m always afraid I’m going to be “that guy” because I’ve never used them and don’t know the rules but it seems like so much of the support and information would come from real people telling their real stories.
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By Jean on Jun 17, 2011
What an earful! Reading this reminds me of the inner embarrassment I felt 50+ years ago when, without telling anyone that I was an OB nurse, I attended a meeting of this new group called “La Leche”! I had 7 years of experience in L&D, nurseries and postpartum (and pretty durn good at it, I thought!) I was there because I wanted, finally, to succeed at breastfeeding!Up to that time in life, I had had “golden girl” success with academics, music, professional nursing, all kinds of art needlework, etc. What a kick in the gut that I couldn’t succeed with what my grandmother did with six kids, including twins! Following the “rules” of that time, and near absence of family support, I had stopped at 5-10 days with my first 3. I was too proud to consult these “lay women” prenatally, but by 5 days, my ego was humbled enough to call a friend on the counseling committee. (See the new WABF, story before chapter 7 for our story.) Long story short, after weeks of dedicated effort, I heard my husband say “I have to hand it to you. You made up your mind to do it, and you did!” I was of course, glad for my baby’s sake, and my “success”, but finally experiencing the hormonal joys from my breastfeeding experience literally changed my life. It made me a different kind of mother, a different kind of wife and a different kind of nurse. I guess I needed the inner experience of those humbling “failures” before I could search for better ways to support moms in my work. I’m still volunteering, supporting moms to this day. I’m gonna recommend to my wide circle of lactation worker friends that they read every doggone post on this site. It’s good to be reminded what your deepest reactions are to current professional efforts and insights. The Surgeon General put it in nutshell. The Public Health goal is to “make breastfeeding easier!”.
I wonder if any moms reading these raw, gut-wrenching reports connect any part of their difficult time in the early weeks with “breast-bloating” from having been filled full of IV’s and lots of pitocin? (That’s one thing we were not subjected to except in the direst emergencies 50+ years ago.)
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lactcondoula Reply:
June 18th, 2011 at 3:21 pm
You are so right, Jean. Moms do not “connect the dots” from events that happened in labor, and don’t see that there is a reason for the infant’s behavior or lack thereof at the breast after things like induced labor without a valid medical concern, labor narcotics and epidurals, pitocin augmentation when labor slows down from the above mentioned narcotics, and instrumental deliveries occur, or even, gasp, cesareans that are done when the poor exhausted mother cannot push any longer after doing it for 2 or 3+ hours, or that posterior baby just didn’t turn while coming down the birth canal.
Even ACOG (American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists) states that women who have had epidurals (and lots of them also have labor narcotics), take longer to establish successful breastfeeding, and will most likely need extra support. I am not against epidurals, just feel that women should know that there can be consequences to the “medical model of birth.” Heck, most women having the “normal American birth” probably need all the drugs they can get to make it through birth.
And yes, those breasts are fluid filled. I see them a lot in the hospital. Moms are supposed to get rid of all the extra fluid they no longer need as the postpartum fluid shift happens. But since pitocin is an “anti-diuretic” that just doesn’t happen. The dependent parts of the body (lower legs, feet, and breasts) retain that fluid for sometime. The baby whose neurobehavior is altered with narcotics (yes they get to the baby’s brain) sometimes just doesn’t suck right, and when the breasts are so firm that he cannot get a deep latch, it is like a double whammy. We recommend lots of skin-to-skin and everyone having patience. “Tincture of time” can do wonders.
I am saddened that so many women are relieved to just get through birth. I hardly ever hear a woman sound like she is rejoicing because she had an empowering birth. How many women sound like they are celebrating the amazing power of their bodies as in “I am woman hear me roar” after their birth experience? When I encounter a woman who expresses this sentiment, I rejoice with her, as I hear it all too infrequently.
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By ProudNerdMom on Jun 17, 2011
Without the lactation consultant who diagnosed my first child’s funny bite (incorrect mouth position) and showed me how to re-train her, I never would have succeeded at breastfeeding. It was my first time. I didn’t know that the nipple wasn’t supposed to go dead white and hurt like h*ll. Thank you, thank you, thank you to that La Leche consultant.
Now, I warn all my pregnant friends: it is sometimes hard to get started. Be prepared to ask for help. Make sure you have the phone number of a GOOD (recommended by someone who has used her) lactation consultant before you leave the hospital. And if you are having difficulty, call RIGHT AWAY. If you try to endure through the difficulties, you’ll probably give up unnecessarily.
I learned about the pain and difficulty my sister-in-law was having from my mother. From half the country away, I got on the web, found phone numbers of La Leche leaders, made a bunch of phone calls, and in less than an hour found a lactation consultant I liked over the phone (sounded competant, relaxed, not a zealot, and agreed that a new mother needed supportive help RIGHT AWAY). Told her to expect a call. Then called SIL and encouraged her to call this number for help. She did, and it made an enormous difference. Like you, the help she was given by the L.C. at the hospital was, to put it mildly, useless.
What do third world women have that we don’t? Networks of other women to help them! They don’t expect each new, exhausted, insecure mother of a newborn to re-invent the wheel. So even if I am hundreds of miles away, I was able to play the role of experienced older sister, and make sure my SIL got help.
I agree that everyone should have the choice, but there is no real choice if a woman doesn’t have proper support.
- One of your internet fans
PS – ignore the zealots who say all or nothing. I started out all breast, but then both kids started formula at 4 months at daycare. Working half-days then, I just didn’t want to deal with pumping. No problems alternating me with bottle for the next year or so.
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Jaye Reply:
June 17th, 2011 at 4:10 pm
Totally agree with your PS, btw. Just thought I’d back that up. As an IBCLC it is not my place to be all or nothing for anyone other than me and my kids and my choices for my family. It isn’t about right or wrong…it is about what works for the individual.
You are all intelligent women. I give you the info, you do with it as you see fit and I support you in that…100%.
I just love the strength I am seeing here! :)
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By Andi on Jun 17, 2011
I completely feel your frustration! When I had my first child, I was given no information and no support. When I went to my LC for help, she handed me a can of formula. I was devastated! That made me want to learn as much as possible so that I would never have to go through that again. I learned everything that I could, and am still happily nursing my 31 month old and my 19 week old =) I am now a Certified Lactation Specialist and plan to become an IBCLC. I will never let another woman that I come into contact with feel the way that I did. I will never let her down the way that I was let down. There needs to be a serious overhaul in the lactation world!
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By Jaye on Jun 17, 2011
I will out myself first as an IBCLC. I’ve been in the field for just over 16 yrs and became an IBCLC in 2000. I work full time as a private practice IBCLC – and I LOVE what I do! I got into this field because I went through hell with breastfeeding my 2nd son and didn’t want anyone else to go through anything close to what I went through if I could help it.
I am so saddened to hear your stories – not because it’s the first time I have heard stories like yours but because I hear them ALL the time. It breaks my heart. And it is WRONG that any of you had to go through any of it.
I work with very difficult cases and my moms have a damn good success rate – most of it because THEY do the work needed to get where they want. I simply give the tools…and the pep talks…And because I have been through the hell that many of you have also gone through, I ‘get it’ and make sure that I give the best help and support I can. And it looks to me like there are a LOT of you out there doing a lot of damn fine work to take care of your babies! Moms like you impress the hell out of me – and I am not easily impressed. Congrats to you all!
That being said, not all LC’s have the same background, education or desire to help the way others do. And it is because of those who cause you frustration and/or give bad information, (and give us really good ones a a bad name…) I ask you to do this:
I encourage ALL of you who had bad experiences whether with hospital LC assistance or private practice assistance to Write A Letter. Talk about what worked for you and what didn’t. Tell us the good, the bad and the ugly. DO it intelligently – make your words and feelings count.
WE NEED to know this in order to improve our skills so that we can help you better. Hospitals need to know – if they get bad reviews you had better believe that they make the changes to be better. And if you were harmed by an IBCLC’s information or were treated poorly, you can contact IBLCE.org (our certification body) and file a complaint. I have heard far too many stories about this LC and that LC violating our code of ethics and giving out poor information and causing great harm. I have cleaned up far too many train wrecks in my day…and it makes me extremely ANGRY that that happens. BUT – I cannot file a complaint: I am getting the information second hand – YOU are the one harmed. Help yourself and others by letting those in charge know what is going on…WRITE a LETTER.
It’s all about education is it not? We don’t know it all. And LC’s don’t all get the same standardized education – yet. We ARE working on that. But, sadly, it takes time.
Listen, I may be damn good at what I do and in what I specialize in, but I sure as hell don’t know it all…no one can. So definitely educate yourselves…and help us to better educate ourselves. Tell us where we need to improve. It’s ok…and it’s needed…
Thank you for this blog…it just reminds me that we have a long way to go to standardize our education and to making sure that all moms get the same excellent quality of assistance…and Andi is right – there needs to be a serious overhaul in the Lactation World. We are working on it – but we really could use your help…
Warmly,
Jaye
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By Melissa on Jun 17, 2011
TJ,
Thank you for sharing this blog post. Like my dear colleague that posted before me, Jaye (hi Jaye!), I am also an IBCLC and totally hear what you are saying. There are many of us professionals banging our heads against walls when we hear stories like this all too frequently. I am in private practice (rather than in a hospital setting) for many reasons. One main reason being that I think many (not all) hospital settings do a grave disservice when it comes to supporting breastfeeding moms and babies. I applaud you for doing your own research and being there to provide quality support to your cousin.
PS. Just thought you’d like to know that I am doing a workshop for birth professionals that in part, will encourage them to stop sugar coating breastfeeding topics and give moms some real anticipatory guidance for once!
Thanks again for sharing!
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By Susan E Burger on Jun 18, 2011
I’m also a lactation consultant and this story just makes me want to scream on so many levels. I have not yet met a mother than I can’t help find some way to help her feel better about HOW she is feeding her baby and the things she is doing right. I don’t know what the lactation consultant saw, but I never judge a milk supply until the mother gives it a try and even then, it doesn’t matter if she gets it to 100%. The mere fact that she may have problems and improves her supply is something to be celebrated. I never ever throw away moms props if she wants to use pillows. I may show her how to do it without it, but I’m all for doing what works best. And if a mother doesn’t feel good in one position, I try others that feel good to HER.
As for third world women, I worked in some of the countries with the highest infant mortality rates for a couple of decades. Babies die. They have grandmothers, mothers and sisters who breastfeed. They baby swap. They have problems too. There is no idyllic place on the planet where breastfeeding is smooth for everyone.
Our profession is very new. Not enough of us work outside the hospital where we can see what happens when moms go home. In the hospital, lactation consultants don’t have the time to spend hours with moms and really observe all the nuances of the varied ways women can breastfeed. So, often women are given a bunch of rules instead of carefully customized tips that help her.
Just another headbanging LC!
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By mamabajama on Jun 18, 2011
This is a great topic. It has become my life-passion to help women breastfeed.
My mom breastfed me. At first, breastfeeding was very difficult for me and I am sure that I had good advice before my son was born, but somehow when I had him all my memory was wiped out. So then I listened to my son’s doctor who gave me very bad advice which I followed. Who knew? Things were very difficult in the beginning. At day 10, he was not staying on my breast & my nipples were in pain constantly. That is when I had the crisis – wait! I don’t have a plan B. I didn’t want to have to call someone to help me, but at that point I called La Leche League. The leader that I spoke with gave me excellent and simple information and support: Watch your baby, not the clock. It was 6 weeks before I was pain free but I stuck with it. I slowly progressed from a mom who attended LLL metings, a La Leche League Leader (a title and position that was not easy to obtain, where I was challenged to become a counselor as well as knowledgeable about various breastfeeding issues that might come up all to do volunteer work) then a WIC Breastfeeding Peer Counselor (much less intensive training but along the same lines + get paid some money), and hopefully will be an IBCLC next year (will probably not get a raise).
I find it very frustrating that “the system” fails women so much of the time. It is so frustrating that I wonder why I have chosen to enter such a field. I hope that the counseling aspects of the lactation profession can be stressed more in the future. Also, lactation professionals in general get less respect than they should from the medical community. IBCLCs in hospitals are run ragged around here. I find that a lot of the women (clients) I see have great intentions, are willing to follow what the professionals tell them to do, but to actually succeed have to fight against the system. Hopefully in reality one day (where I live and wherever things like this occur regularly) women will not have to become more educated than the professionals while in this vulnerable place in their lives to successfully breastfeed their babies.
There are other issues (school, environment, various other community things) that I feel very passionately about but do not / choose not to take the time and energy to pursue. Whether this becomes more of a passion for you or not, I appreciate you posting, and for making a difference to support breastfeeding by just doing what you are doing!
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By Andrea on Jun 18, 2011
I was really sad to read about this experience, not because I have a baby, or ever have had one, but because my sister is a lactation consultant, my sister has had 6 babies, all of whom she has breastfed but 5 of them with considerable difficulty. Which of course led her to being a lactation consultant. But, as a non mom myself, I assumed that I would not have to rely on her should I find myself knocked up and in the need for nursing advice. She’s great and all, but not exactly in my backyard! So this makes me sad. And I’m glad you were able to find the info you needed, and I’m glad you could share with your cousin.
that’s all I think. I’m just saddened and maybe a little shocked by this.
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By Angelya on Jun 19, 2011
Reading this post and all the comments has made me so glad of all the support I’ve had over the last few months with my newborn. I got a lot of information from the hospital and the midwives in the maternity ward did answers my questions when I did have them`, but my mum is a “lactavist”, being a member of the Australian BF Association (Aussie La Leche thingy) – her encouragement and a certain amount of peer pressure made me absolutely determined to breastfeed, since I knew it wasn’t going to be easy for a little while and I just needed to stick with it. It makes me so sad when this information isn’t freely available to new mums :(
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By Miriam on Jun 20, 2011
I had to supplement my first son because I didn’t produce enough milk soon enough. (Must have been something to do with a pitocin assisted labor!) That didn’t last too long.
With my daughter, my milk supply came in faster and seemed to be a bigger quantity sooner too. She would take a bottle of BM when left with a sitter but wasn’t satisfied until it was delivered via breast! (We learned not to leave her with a sitter for a long time.)
With my second son, we had to go back into the hospital for his elevated bilirubin counts. (Different, younger and newer pediatrician. Not necessarily better. First ped had just had a bypass surgery 2 weeks earlier so no choice really.) I made the decision to go home during the day to sleep so I could make milk. I told the nurses it was okay to supplement him with formula if he needed it while I was gone. (I was pumping before I left the hospital and again when I returned so he had my breast milk available if I didn’t return in time.) Apparently the ped had to ORDER the formula for my baby. SHe made sure to tell me that not all babies make the switch back and forth. Hmmph! was my thought. SHe didn’t know that I had successfully nursed 2 other children. (She also was not yet a mother at that time. Huge change in her entire doctoring approach once she did become a mom.) He made the switch fine. My milk came in with a fierceness that surprised me.
All three babies involved sore, split nipples. I was determined to nurse so I worked through it. Each baby nursed a bit longer than the previous baby. My ace in the hole? My mother nursed my brothers and me in a time when nursing was NOT the norm. She helped a whole lot. Plus, I really didn’t want to wash bottles! I also had the luxury of not needing to get back to a job. I’m sure that helped my determination to make nursing work for us. That and my babies all cooperated. We learned together.
Breast fed or bottle fed? The most important thing is that your baby is fed. You have the right to try breastfeeding if that is what you wish. It just may take more than a few trys to get it. If you have to supplement, then so be it.
As to the LCs I saw in the hospital? I don’t really remember them. It seems as if I had tuned them out because my mind was already made up and apparently I was patient enough or stubborn enough to make it happen. And maybe their advice didn’t jibe with what I knew from my own research. (Qualifier: My children are 27, 25 and 20 years old.)
I am furious for your cousin. It seems as if we would be further down this road by now than her experience indicates. REally. Just really.
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