Temerity Jane

123 Responses to “Trying to interrupt my own brain.”

1. By Zoot on Jul 27, 2011

   I have several MORTIFYING TO ME BUT PROBABLY NOT TO ANYONE ELSE moments that will periodically start spontaneously playing in my memory and I’ll verbally stop it too. Example: One started in my head when I was walking down the hall to my office the other day and I mumbled something out loud to “stop” it and BAM! co-worker around the corner – just heard me talking to myself.

   So, yeah. However you describe it? Ditto.

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2. By Kristina on Jul 27, 2011

   O.M.G. I do this ALL the time. And as I’m re-living it, I get that sick feeling in my stomach all over again and am convinced that whomever I embarrassed myself in front of probably still thinks about it all the time, and OMG.

   One time when my husband and I were in a really bad spot financially and it was ALL I thought about ALL the time, I made a really dumb comment about how much spending money we had each month to my cousin (who has LOTS of money) and I still don’t know WHAT compelled me to share that information. I think I just… needed to get it out? Maybe I was hoping that in spite of their huge, new, gorgeous house and new cars they were struggling too? I DON’T KNOW. And I can only imagine that she simultaneously pitied me and was wondering why they fuck I felt she needed to know that and probably trying to figure out how the hell should she respond to it. It was just all kinds of uncomfortable.

   Also, this was almost FOUR years ago and I STILL think about it and I STILL wonder if she thinks we’re still like a paycheck away from bankruptcy.

   I have to stop. I feel sick.

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3. By pseudostoops on Jul 27, 2011

   Oh, you mean like the time I was really distracted while on the phone with my supervisor, and was thinking about something I needed to talk to my mom about, and thus when I signed off the phone call with my supervisor forgot who I was talking to for a split second and thought I was talking to my mom and so ended the call by saying “love you?” To my male supervisor? Who was, in point of fact, A MEMBER OF THE JUDICIARY? I remember that on the regular, and have to do everything in my power to stop the thoughts because I will actually physically cringe at the memory.

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   stephanie Reply:
   July 27th, 2011 at 11:31 am

   Ending a professional phone call with “love you!” is actually one of my biggest fears. I am mortified on your behalf.

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   Chris Reply:
   July 27th, 2011 at 12:13 pm

   I have accidentally ended a phone call with a good acquaintance with an “I love you” because I was distracted by little children and had just previously talked to my mother. So embarrassing!

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   Jen_Ann_W Reply:
   July 27th, 2011 at 1:30 pm

   Oh yes, this is on my list of Most Embarrassing Moments EVAR too. My previous phone call had been with my husband, so ending the next call (to a sales rep whom I did not like much but had to be nice to) with the same automatic “Love you” was a knee-jerk reaction. ARGH. So awful.

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   Fi Reply:
   July 28th, 2011 at 11:43 am

   Oh yes this one is connected with calling someone by your husband’s name (or worse, pet name) thereby making them feel like you have love-like feelings for them. This is distinctly worsened by other people hearing and being taken aback. For instance, I got stuck in a very full car park with a car full of people I vaguely knew and despairingly sighed to my front seat passenger “oh [husband's name], what should I do?”
   The worst bit was actually the trying to laugh it off stage after the event. Would that I had an ejector seat in my car.

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4. By Linnea on Jul 27, 2011

   Oh! I wanted to start commenting even before I finished reading, because YES! Yes! A thousand times yes! This is sort of the thing I was trying to talk about in this post (http://beanonparade.blogspot.com/2011/06/its-good-thing-embarrassment-isnt.html) but I didn’t ever quite get there. Because I was having a hard time interrupting my brain. Because, ugh! the choices! The bad choices! Not just “who-in-the-world-ever-told-me-I-looked-good-with-a-WEDGE-haircut?” choices, but also the “If I had just shut up 30 seconds sooner on that one day, then 3 years of bad relationship could have been averted” choices, and also… yes, I sort of, accidentally, felt up my friend in bible study… MY EYES WERE CLOSED! I thought I was grabbing her shoulder to be all, you know, supportive or something! Only, I didn’t *realize* it right away. My brain said, “Huh… this doesn’t *feel* like a shoulder, maybe I should squeeze it to be sure…?”
   Yeah… so I did. And the whole room got quiet, because my friend was STUNNED into silence, because, wouldn’t you be? Oh, God! So eventually I moved my hand and maybe we laughed some more, and we’re still friends 10 years later, so, you know, there’s THAT, but… GAH!
   There it is. It was AWFUL!

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   Natalie Reply:
   July 27th, 2011 at 12:42 pm

   I’m pretty sure I just killed some brain cells trying not to snort-laugh at work.

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5. By christine on Jul 27, 2011

   I endlessly go cycle through these terrible memories instead of sleeping, which is oh so useful. With the same, why did I say this? or why didn’t I tell so and so to …blah. I can’t wait to read what swistle has to say about this one.

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6. By Diane on Jul 27, 2011

   One I always come back to is this time I was reading a note from a boy I liked while on the school bus home. It was 9th grade. Someone behind me, Popular Girl, called out “WHAT ARE YOU READING?” For whatever reason, I was sort of DONE with her antics, and instead of quietly replying something reasonable (like “oh, just a note”) I decided I was going to LOUDLY respond that it was NONE OF HER BUSINESS, GAWD. And, yeah. She wasn’t talking to me. So that was awesome.

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7. By Rayne of terror on Jul 27, 2011

   Yes, I used to do this ALL the time. How did I fix it? I started chanting, yelling, whispering IN MY HEAD, “I forgive myself” until I actually did forgive myself. That time I said someone would loar an eye to a firework in front of someone who had lost a hand – doesn’t bother me anymore. Various & sundry teenage embarrassments? Don’t bother me anymore. Doing this let’s me move on eventually.

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   Jenny Reply:
   July 27th, 2011 at 4:49 pm

   I gotta try this!

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8. By Andrea on Jul 27, 2011

   I totally get this. One of the memories that pops up in my head and is awful is from when I was three (three!) My dad is a pastor and my mom had stayed home from church with my sick sister, so it was just me alone in a pew. I suddenly decided I had to ask my dad something RIGHT THEN so I marched up to the pulpit and totally interrupted him while he was speaking. Everyone chuckled (I mean come on, I was three!) but I quickly realized I had made a faux pas and was EXTREMELY embarrassed. And it still pops up in my mind nearly 30 years later and I still feel the same embarrassment EVERY TIME.

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9. By Jessie on Jul 27, 2011

   Oh, so totally Yes on all of this. Here’s the moment that still embarrasses me so much I cringe every time I think of it: So. When I was younger I had a problem with dairy, in that every time I ate it I had horrible intestinal cramps. Every time. You think this would stop me, but unfortunately, no, it didn’t. So anyway, at around this same time I was working at a bar and one of my housemates was the waitress manager. I had eaten some pizza earlier in the day and I wanted to get out of work as well, so I saw her in the hall, fell to the floor complaining of stomach cramps and begged off work. Seriously, WTH was I thinking? Overly dramatic much? I got off work that night, and was let go shortly after because it was fairly obvious I didn’t really want to work there. I am still mortified for my 18-year-old self and that behavior. Ugh.

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10. By Random Nerdfighter on Jul 27, 2011

    I do that ALL THE TIME. Sometimes I pinch myself like I’m dreaming.

    In a sitcom.

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11. By Jen on Jul 27, 2011

    Yep.
    All the time- it got to the point it was paralyzing. Things from when I was in 2nd grade, things that happened last week, didn’t matter. (I’m 35, btw)
    The mental trick I learned is to alter the memory. I let my twisted brain run through the loop of images, as much as it wants to. But then I picture foam, like what comes out of a fire extinguisher, covering the scenery. Completely covering the people & objects in the story. I force myself to remember all the little details and cover every single thing in foam.
    It’s silly, but visually significantly different. My brain, after a time or three doing that loop with the white-out effect, seems to detach the strong emotions. I had tried other things, like imagining a curtain closing, or desensitizing through repetition- but the foam thing’s been working best. Sounds a little nuts, but hey- better than the alternative!
    I can now remember (not painfully) that time in 2nd grade, in response to a teacher’s question, where I blurted (out of turn) that my favorite music was classical. The entire class fell silent and everyone stared (including my awful teacher). Completely harmless memory rendered harmless again :)
    Hope it helps!

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12. By Emily on Jul 27, 2011

    Yes. Oh yes. I can VIVIDLY remember things I have said in the past that after I said them I really want to crawl in a hole. I typically do it when I’m nervous and am not sure what else to say. I made a really dumb comment at my grandfathers funeral. I was 24 at the time and really should have just kept my mouth shut. Thank fully my parents knew I was nervous and overwhelmed, etc. and only gave me a little crap for it while laughing at me.

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13. By Elizabeth on Jul 27, 2011

    I too am often plagued by the embarassing moments of my past–they’re like a flock of winged monkeys swarming my head. I like your idea of chasing the memories away with physical movement. I usually resort to picking a song to sing in my head, and then I’m stuck singing that song for the rest of the day. But better an earworm than a winged monkey. Anyway, when I was 6 or 7 I wanted to take a ballet class. I think I had just read “A Very Young Dancer” or some such book, and I wanted to stand by a barre and learn the positions in a regiment-y, uptight fashion. Instead, my mother signed me up for some kind of hippie interpretive dance class, in which we, the kids, had to dance around in circles to whatever music the hippie teacher put on. This MORTIFIED me. As did my response to it, which was to obediently trek around in circles, but only moving my feet in little steps, every other body part completely rigid. And this happened week after week!! I am blushing right now as I write this. Sigh.

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14. By Becky on Jul 27, 2011

    Instances, you mean, like the time I thought it would be cool to wear the same basic outfit to school that I knew a guy I LOOOOOOOVED had (white t-shirt & green jeans)? And then he was wearing it the same day, and someone commented? Oh my god, I want to die every time I think about it. My poor, pathetic high school self. Why did I think that was a good plan? He was not going to suddenly realize how much he loved me just because I had green jeans too. Ugh.
    Anyway, yes; I have to interrupt myself from these thought-trains. Usually I try to have the conversation the way I would have LIKED for it to go, if the situation was a conversation. But in the case of the outfit fiasco I haven’t figured anything out yet. I will try making a random noise next time.

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15. By Jenna on Jul 27, 2011

    I don’t want to tell you any of my embarrassing stories. I will however, absolutely agree that I have tortured myself against my own will with an episode when I was eight at a basketball camp. I can’t make it stop, and that’s just the oldest one I remember. I try to make it stop (the spooling video) by saying “no” quietly or shaking my head violently or starting one of my favorite earworm songs and FOCUSING ON THE LYRICS OF WORDS LALALA. Or I try ot rewrite history by changing the dialogue. And I talk to myself. It’s bad.

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16. By PinkieBling on Jul 27, 2011

    I’m so embarrassed by an incident in second grade, I’ve half-convinced myself it was a dream and didn’t really happen.

    We had moved, and I was in a new school. We changed classrooms for different subjects, and in one of them the teacher introduced me, and asked about the kinds of thing I liked to do. For some reason, I came up with tap dancing. (I started ballet and jazz at around 4, but I had never in my life taken a tap dance lesson.) Somehow – SOMEHOW – this inspired an impromptu performance. In front of the entire class. It was Not Good, and I think even the other seven-year-olds knew I was full of shit.

    I didn’t have the grace to be suitably embarrassed about it until years later. Now? I die a little every time I think of it.

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17. By joanna on Jul 27, 2011

    TJ-

    You are OH-SO-TOTALLY-NOT alone. This happens to me all the time and my memory is AWFUL. (Actually, it’s so awful, in fact, that I can’t even tell you how to get… pretty much anywhere around the neighborhood I’ve lived in for the past 22 years) And it often seems as though most of the brain power I do have left goes into remembering things like these, things that feel horrible to relive. And I want to stop thinking about them but I can’t because it is so physical when the remembering is happening (sound familiar?). There have been many times where I’ve actually had to bang my head against the wall because I couldn’t stop recycling the memories.

    I’m sorry to say, I can’t help you try to interrupt your brain by offering you anything more than to tell you to keep doing what you’ve been doing- the physical movement, walking with purpose, and things like that. I’ve found they do help (and I do NOT recommend the head-to-wall bit, we want to be nice to your head, nice to YOU.) But, what I’m not sorry about (weird as it is, I suppose) is that I can tell you very concretely: You are not alone and that, even though I haven’t commented here before, I am very proud of you for having been brave enough to reach out. Keep reaching, there will always be someone who will reach back.

    And then we can totally high-five and it will be AWESOME!

    Love and light,
    -jo

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18. By squandra on Jul 27, 2011

    Well, or there’s this:

    I can’t really think of anything at the moment, despite being absolutely certain that I have done — and even cringingly remembered — many embarrassing things over the years. So now, instead of perseverating on some bad memory, I’m perseverating about how I must be going through life doing STUPID CRAP and not even COMMITTING IT TO LONG-TERM MEMORY. And now I can’t stop wondering what I’ve done that any decent person would be still embarrassed about, but I’m too much of an asshole to be permanently ashamed, and I’m just letting myself forget all of these things that SHOULD be life lessons that would help me stop being such an ASSHOLE.

    Are there really people out there that are exactly the *correct amount* of Self Confident? I kind of hate them right now.

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19. By rsngphoenix8 on Jul 27, 2011

    Welp, I looked at the pic of Penny so I guess I have to share now ;-) Usually the thoughts come to me in the shower and then my mind gets broken record syndrome where only a small part of what happened is on continuous instant replay. Like the time we had an emotions on HIGH work meeting and when I had a comment my voice shook until I started crying or the time my fingers had swollen during a hot football game and I needed to take my promise ring off, but it actually flung off my finger and down the stands. I chased after it and retrieved it of course, but it occurred in front of his parents.

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20. By MLE on Jul 27, 2011

    This one time, about 8 years ago, I was hanging out with a bunch of my extended family (including cousins my age, their kids, aunts, uncles, elderly grandma). My extended family are all at least kind of religious (mostly born again, some Catholic) and the kids were pretty young. Somehow one of the family was talking about clowns and how one would go about hiring a professional clown, and the first thing that popped into my head was the S&M/pro-dom clown from the Bay Area known as Ouchy the Clown. So of course, for some reason, my brain-to-mouth filter failed and I just had to tell them all about Ouchy the Clown. My description left the room silent and every last relative looking at me like I had three heads.

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21. By Kate on Jul 27, 2011

    Here’s the one that shows up most frequently:

    I was around 20 years old, and in a laundromat, and somehow ended up in a pleasant conversation with an older woman who was telling me she had to work six days a week, and also that she knew how to fold fitted sheets. I realize that is random, but those were the two things that stuck out in the conversation. She was a nice woman. I was appropriately sympathetic to her hard work and lot in life and congratulatory of her sheet folding skills.

    But then she left, and the family member I was with came in, and I was telling him that I’d had this conversation with this woman, and the whole time she was telling me how she worked six days a week, I was thinking about how I worked seven days a week AND went to school AND knew how to fold fitted sheets.

    This is so ridiculous in the re-telling.

    Anyway, I was bragging about how great I was and sort of dismissing this woman’s accomplishments, and then I heard the door shut and realized that the woman had come back in at some point, I guess to get the rest of her laundry. So she probably over heard me.

    And I felt like a total shit, and continue to feel like a total shit about it, because if she had heard me, she probably felt like the whole conversation was disingenuous and that I was mocking her, when really I was just being self-congratulatory and didn’t mean anything against her. But I knew it sounded that way, and she was a nice person, and I was deeply ashamed of myself.

    It pops into my head at random moments. Not typically when I’m doing laundry. Mostly when I’m driving.

    There was also the time in gym in the 2nd grade when I forgot my socks, so had to wear my dark cable-knit tights, and then forgot to put my (uniform) shorts on over them because they were the same color, so I went to gym class in just shorts. That only makes me laugh now, even though my 2nd grade self wanted to die.

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22. By Mandapanda78 on Jul 27, 2011

    I hate that feeling. Example : I’ll be driving and randomly think of my 8th birthday party. It was at a rollerskating place and NO ONE CAME and it pretty much made me hate birthdays. I’m actually blushing right now writing about this 25 years later. Anyway, driving and a memory like that pops up and my only solution is to change the song on the radio, even if I really like that song. I guess I could pull over, get out and do a few car laps, but changing the radio seems more efficient.

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    Katie Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:54 am

    Aww, I’m sorry for your 8 year old self. That happened to one of my friends several years ago; she was having a Christmas party and no one showed up but me. It turned out okay in the end, though, because we got to open all the Christmas crackers ourselves.

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23. By stephanie on Jul 27, 2011

    Yes, yes, yes… I do this ALL the time. It’s so awful. I guess I have to share (although I’m so glad you and everyone else has been sharing so that I know I am not alone). Oh, let’s see… how about the time where I said something to this guy that I was sorta seeing that sounded good in my head but was so unbelievably lame and basically sounded like it was scripted for some terrible made for TV movie. Or the time in the fourth grade class spelling bee (which sent the winner to the district championship) and I lost on the word “characteristic” and INSISTED the teacher just misheard me, trying to make my case in front of the whole class. (Oh my god, nerdy girl, just SIT DOWN.)

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24. By Holly on Jul 27, 2011

    I am so relieved to know I’m not the only one who experiences this! Anyone who I’ve had to explain my odd brain interupting behaviour to has looked at me like I’m bloody nuts!
    I am also a squawker you see, but I mix in a little hand clapping, and humming just to really compound the crazy.
    Currently I am replaying a particularly horrendous, shudder inducing job interview in which I had an out of body experience, so the flashbacks are coming thick and fast! urrrrghhh!

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25. By Jeanette on Jul 27, 2011

    Well there was the time in high school when I was walking up the stairs and looking down while reaching for the railing and put my hand right on the ass of one of the probably 65 year old teachers! Yeah, all these years later I still cringe when I think of that one! Theres lots of other ones, too! I can’t tell you how many times I have wished for selective memory loss!!

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    Katie Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:57 am

    I tripped face-first into someone’s butt while walking up the stairs one time. It was awful, so I feel your pain.

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26. By H on Jul 27, 2011

    I thought I was the only one who experienced this – really, I did. I do this quite frequently, and I usually blurt out “GOD!” or “OH GOD!” as an expression of my embarrassment. I don’t say that purposely to stop the memory, but more as a result of the overwhelming feeling, but it seems to snap me out of the mind-loop.

    I often wonder if there are subconscious triggers that bring up a certain memory. I recently re-lived one of my most embarrassing moments, which I tend to believe had a long term effect on my relationship with my mother-in-law.

    She was a rambler. She’d go on and on and on and on about her interests and didn’t give a whit about how the listeners felt about her stories. My husband, having lived with the woman for a couple of decades, had found coping mechanisms, one of which was to simply walk away while she was talking. So, she was at our house, droning on and on about something, and he got up and left me there to listen to her for an hour while he walked around doing miscellaneous things around the house. Later, my husband and I happened to be in the lower level so I whisper-talked to him (excitedly) out of frustration and told him that if HE wants his mom to come and visit, then HE needs to sit with her for hours and listen to her drone on and on and that I hate her long boring stories! I elaborated some, but that was my main message. Then we calmly walked upstairs and saw her expression – clearly she’d just heard everything I’d said to him. I’m still not sure if it was through the vents or if she was somehow eavesdropping.

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27. By Swistle on Jul 27, 2011

    I favor jerking my eyes hard all the way over to one side (“IF I LOOK AWAY I WILL STOP SEEING THESE THINGS PLAYING OUT IN FRONT OF ME”) plus saying “Do do do!” musically, and rapidly shuffling through every OTHER thing I could think about to find one that sticks.

    I can barely stand to give examples. But one that’s still fresh is that the nice lifeguard at the pool, who also teaches my children to swim, asked me a social question as I got out of the pool—and she was wearing sunglasses and I wasn’t wearing glasses, so it took me a beat or two to figure out she was talking to me….and it was too long a beat for an answer to be natural, so I DIDN’T ANSWER.

    DARTING MY EYES HARD TO ONE SIDE. “DO DO DO!!!” *thinking of baking cupcakes*

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28. By Swistle on Jul 27, 2011

    And the thing I’m using to console myself here is that I have MANY TIMES been on the other side of these things (like when another mom at kindergarten drop off told ME to “Have a good day, sweetie!,” or when I say hi or wave to someone, and someone between us thinks I”m talking/waving to her and says hi or waves back) and I always IMMEDIATELY know what happened and feel only excruciating empathy for that person. Like, I don’t think they’re an idiot, I totally get what happened, and I only wish I could have smoothed things over.

    Er, I guess it doesn’t help that I STILL REMEMBER these things months later. But it’s WITH EMPATHY! Not with thinking they’re idiots.

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29. By Kate on Jul 27, 2011

    This is my first time commenting but doing it to say – I thought I was the only one! I have this stuff I think about all the time that was so, so embarassing, and the fact that I was 4 or 5 or whatever years old does nothing to mitigate the stomach ache I get when I think about it.

    The first thing – I was in kindergarden and we all went outside to see a soda bottle rocket or something like that launch. I was wearing a sassy button-up dress/tunic/thing with leggings, and of course my 5 year old undershirt. I was not wearing a jacket. When we came inside I unbuttoned my dress out of habit, as if it were a jacket, until my teacher said “Whoa Kate, keep your shirt on! *chuckle chuckle*” I was so upset that I had exposed my racy undershirt to the rest of my kindergarden class.

    Another kindergarden story (apparently this was the last year I cared what anyone thought because I can’t think of any others)…we were doing phonics in class, and that day’s flashcard was “ee.” As in bee, see, knee, etc. Being the funniest kid to ever live, I thought it would be a good time to shout out “PEE! YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN YOU PEE!” I got talked to for being “fresh”. I cried all day and had to be sent home. It still makes me anxious to think about.

    Okay, that was cathartic. Thanks everyone.

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30. By Katie on Jul 27, 2011

    Oh, there are many. Many many many memories that I cringe just thinking about. Just a few highlights:

    So last year (8th grade) I was talking to this guy that I thought I knew from when we were little, and we were trying to figure out if the other person was who we thought they were. We were in a loud hallway and I couldn’t hear him very well, so when he asked what elementary school I went to I couldn’t understand him. And I responded with “I don’t know.” BECAUSE I’M AN AMNESIA PATIENT. Of course, I realized my mistake like two minutes later, but by then it was too late to fix it and I got to freak out about it for the rest of the day.

    Or how about the time that I was in Reading class (It was separate from English class in my middle school) and tried to make the case that we shouldn’t be allowed to do our American poetry project on song writers and EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE CLASS disagreed with me and argued loudly about it. I got really worked up and actually started shaking and crying, not because I was sad or hurt or anything, but because I was irritated and stressed. And of course, everyone immediately stops and freaks out and asks if I’m okay, which only makes it so much worse because OH MY GOD I’M CRYING IN CLASS WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I’m still shaking just thinking about that.

    Something I’ve realized, just now, is that for me, telling people about how awful the situation was takes away its power. I’ve told that first story many times and it barely even makes me cringe now, although it did every time I thought about it for quite a while. But I only even remembered the second story after reading a comment on here about a similar situation, and it’s still just as upsetting as the day it happened.

    Long comment is long.

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31. By Swistle on Jul 27, 2011

    Oh god, I thought of another one. There was a boy I had a years-long crush on, and his mom gave my mom some of Crush Boy’s clothes for my brother. And I wore some of the shirts. To places where I would see Crush Boy. I’d imagined myself as “sexy woman wearing boyfriend’s partially-unbuttoned-button-down shirt as pajamas.” But I was 12 years old wearing a hunter-and-navy-striped polo shirt. SEXY FAIL.

    And then of course the other mom felt embarrassed and TALKED TO MY MOTHER ABOUT IT because she thought it was inappropriate. ARRRRGGGGGGGG.

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    Sarah Lena Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    SHE THOUGHT IT WAS INAPPROPRIATE? Why, because you were wearing a boy’s shirts?

    I am trying not to judge here. JUDGE JUDGE JUDGE. (Says the woman who wore boys clothes from 6th – 9th grade.)

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    Swistle Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    Because EVERYONE knew I had a fierce crush on this boy! Including the boy and his whole family. So then, me wearing his clothes was a little…crazy/creepy.

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32. By Brooke on Jul 27, 2011

    Oh my gosh, I definitely have horribly embarrassing moments that sometimes pop into my head and then they won’t.leave. And when they happen, I cringe and shudder and try anything I can to forget them.

    This is also reason #45875 why I didn’t like my 3 experiences with Mary Jane. That made it like 23095 times worse. Hadn’t thought of those moments in a long time and then BAM! One popped into my head and then they snowballed.

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33. By Sarah Lena on Jul 27, 2011

    The one that always sticks with me:

    I worked until I was PAST due with my son, and a group that I consistently worked with was based across the country in California, so I rarely saw them in person. But they were very sweet and I interacted with them every day and.. anyway. They sent some very sweet gifts for my office baby shower.

    The manager of that group was visiting when my son was about four months old. I went to say hi and give him a hug and he was very gentle with me, which I assumed you know – new mom and all.

    Then he asked, “So, when’s the big day?”

    And I just looked at him, quizzically.

    HE PATTED MY BELLY AND SAID, “WHEN IS THE BABY HERE?”

    (again – SUPER nice guy. Really. Just .. an engineer.)

    I said, “Well, I can show you a picture.. he’s at daycare at the moment. He’s four months old.”

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34. By LizScott on Jul 27, 2011

    Oh, you mean like the time in high school when I pulled into a gas station to fill up my car and there was a gaggle of the super intimadating popular and older kids from school loitering outside, and I got so flustered that I drove away with the pump still attached to my car, causing a chain reaction of ripping the hose off the main pump, bending the metal of the apparatus, and setting off a loud alarm while the group of people I was intimated by stared in awe of the scene and one of the guys – who I had a crush on – yelled out “Good one!”

    You mean, remember things like THAT? All the effing time. Every time I get gas, in fact. IT’S REALLY AWESOME.

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    Becky Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    I am SO SO SORRY that that happened to you, but I am sitting at my desk laughing out loud because I can totally see myself doing that, and it’s a relief to know other people have these kinds of things happen. And also, visualizing it, it is pretty funny. But not for you, I’m sure. Again, I’m so sorry!

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    PinkieBling Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    Oh, I did the detached pump thing too. Last year.

    Suffice it to say, I was NOT in high school at the time. *sigh*

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35. By meanliving on Jul 27, 2011

    Wasn’t there a whole column in YM or somesuch magazine devoted to stories like this? It was one of my favorite sections (that and the quizzes, naturally).

    I need to stop reading these now before I have some sort of nervous reaction.

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    Lara Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    YES. It was called “Was My Face Red” in Young Miss (as it was called in my young miss days). I haven’t read that magazine in…ohhhhh, about 30 years (holy crap) and I still remember that column.

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36. By Katie on Jul 27, 2011

    Oh, and another story: this one time in like first grade, I was sitting with a bunch of my friends and we were licking each other’s sleeves because little kids do weird, weird things (What? That was just me? Impossible!). And the teacher looks over right as I’m doing it and says,”lunch is in 20 minutes, Katie, you don’t have to eat her shirt!” and of course, even though I didn’t initiate the shirt licking, nor was I the only one continuing it, the teacher saw ME AND ONLY ME doing it and I was the one that got reprimanded.

    Also, I totally do the interrupting myself thing, but not with embarrassing moments. It usually happens when I’m laying in bed, about to go to sleep, and my brain goes, “Hmmm, what to think about… Ooh, I know! The Weeping Angels from Doctor Who and how they’re totally going to kill you as soon as you close your eyes because that’s what they do. Or maybe dementors and how they’re right outside your door, about to open it with a creepy slimy hand like in Prisoner of Azkaban. And also that story from when you were little about the serial killer under the bed.”

    So then I’m irrationally terrified and I frantically try to find something less creepy to think about (the interrupting my brain part of this comment), like the book I read that day or tumblr or my favorite song but it never works, and then I have to sit up and breathe deeply and turn on a light because IF THERE’S NO LIGHT YOU CAN’T SEE THE WEEPING ANGELS AND THEY WILL KILL YOU.

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    rsngphoenix8 Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    OH MY GOSH ME TOO!!!! Growing up I would convince myself there were snakes between the wall and my bed or that there was a tiger/man with a gun/rapist at my bedroom door. A month or so ago I got into the whole “Paul is Dead” conspiracy and convinced myself a dead Englishman was hiding in my closet that’s attached to the bathroom, so I started using the hall bathroom instead. LOL

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    Katie Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    Oh, Paul is Dead. I heard about that right after I got this awesome Sgt. Pepper’s clock to hang in my room, and after reading about all the supposed clues on that album’s cover I was too creeped out by it to ever hang it up. It’s a waste of awesome Beatles bling now that I think about it, but at the time there was no way it was going on my wall.

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    Becky Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Oh my GOD, the weeping angels! ACK! They totally freak me out.

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    Katie Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    Ugh, yes. They’re perfect for creeping you out late at night, because if you can’t see them they get you but if you look at them for too long they get you that way too. And yet here I am, volunteering to watch Blink again with my brother (It’s on BBC America this afternoon at 5). I think I must be crazy.

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37. By heathercoo on Jul 27, 2011

    Oh my gosh I have this all the time!! I however never thought to do anything to stop it and instead just live through the horror of it all. I have so many moments but one that has stuck with me forever is from when I was in the 3rd grade spelling bee. I had won my school’s spelling bee so I was sent to represent my school in the city finals. It was a group portion of the spelling bee so we were all broken up into groups of 10 or so kids. I was doing well, spelled photocopier correctly and feeling pretty darn good about it. Then my next word was warm. I say “warm, w-o-r-m, warm” the speller checker person (no idea what they are called) bless his heart pretended not to hear me to give me another chance. Me being an idiot just yelled it for everyone to hear. “WARM, W-O-R-M, WARM!”. Fail.

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38. By Lara on Jul 27, 2011

    Oooh, I have one. I have a double one.

    When I was in my early 20′s I lived in an old wood building – it was pretty hard not to hear everything the neighbors did, and the woman upstairs was quite clunky and bangy in her average daily moving about.

    But one night, it got out of control. Someone was running, full tilt, back and forth and all around the whole apartment and I was going INSANE. Like the mature person I was, I banged on the ceiling with a broom handle and nothing.

    It got to be about midnight and I couldn’t take it anymore. I barged up the stairs and BANGED on the door. The woman, who was in her 60′s, I’d say (and lived alone) answered the door along. I LAUNCHED into her. “Do you know what time it is have you no respect what the hell is going on up here it’s been going on for HOURS I’m trying to sleep RAH RAH RAH” and just then a younger woman (late 20′s) and a little kid – maybe 3 or 4, came to the door.

    And the little kid looks up at me from behind his mother’s legs and says (in a total “I am not grasping what I’m even saying because I’m so little”) way “HI! MY DADDY DIED TODAY!”

    The mom bursts into tears and my neighbor APOLOGIZES to me and says how sorry she is but her daughter lost her husband in an accident today and they’ll try to keep it down.

    I DIED.

    I was so flustered, I can’t even remember what I said, but I later wrote a note to them, apologizing my ass off.

    So. When this, or other mortifying memories come into my head, I find myself doing this “LA LA LA” thing in my head to block it out – but sometimes it doesn’t stay in my head and comes right out my mouth too. I was thinking of this story one day at work, walking down the hall and I guess I was distracted or something because it came out my mouth, right in time for a coworker to come around the corner. A manager type co-worker.

    Double mortification. LA LA LA.

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    Sarah Lena Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    I am at work and literally could not stop myself from saying ‘OH GOD NO’ as I read this. Out loud. To no one in the room.

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    danish Reply:
    July 28th, 2011 at 8:29 am

    Oh wow, i have a really similar story. My upstairs neighbor was a middle aged woman who was very heavy footed anyway. And I have no patience ever, either. One weekday night, late, there was a ton of commotion above my head. I was all, what the heck is with this partying so late on a Tues? I also used a broom handle on my ceiling.

    The next day she knocked on my door and apologized–her mother had died and she had family over after the wake. OMG.

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39. By Josefina on Jul 27, 2011

    It’s hard for me to think of good instances that really make my brain freak out these days. I guess I’m less embarrassable (is that a word?) than I used to be, for whatever reason. Here is something that happened, though: I was very, very pregnant and I was at my pastor’s house for a social thing that involved television, so everyone was in a circle around the TV, and a commercial had just ended and there was that tiny split-second of dead air before the programming started and you know how some people get that really uncontrollable flatulence when they’re pregnant? Yeah, that happens to me, so into that little bit of dead, expectant air, I farted pretty loudly. It was fantastic, as long as you weren’t me.
    When I think of my embarrassing moments, I usually dwell for a moment, end with saying “Meh,” and force my mind to something else. I’m pretty used to forcing my mind elsewhere since I do it all the time to deal with my anxiety issues.

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40. By rsngphoenix8 on Jul 27, 2011

    Ok a few more: 1. telling my pervert-minded mother that I didn’t want an octopus’s testicles to touch me when I really meant tentacles. Yeah, she had fun with that one. (I was 10!) I maintain still that I don’t want either one to touch me. 2. having my boss explain to everyone that the reason I had been out lately was because of a bad urinary tract infection that had (according to her) blood and puss and anything else horrifying–which wasn’t true!! 3. my horrible dance moves at two separate weddings

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41. By Tempest on Jul 27, 2011

    Augugughhhhh….. This has been an issue with me in my workplace for a little while. There’s really nothing worse than muttering something incoherent because your bored brain thinks it’s time to play some embarrassing home movies. Then I wonder if people think I’m crazy, and then I convince myself that they do.

    I blamed this bizarre mind-stopping ritual on being an only-child, but I guess I was wrong. I just assumed that since I had the house to myself most of the time, talking to myself was a habit that developed from it. I really wish it — and the memories — would just go away.

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42. By nonsoccermom on Jul 27, 2011

    You have no idea how relieved I am to know that I am not the only one who does this. Why? WHYYY is the human brain programmed to torture us this way?

    One particular incident that stands out in my mind was the time that I was whining about the pizza we’d been provided at a church youth function. I was in 9th or 10th grade, going ON and ON about how much I hated the sauce at this particular (locally-owned) place, how the cheese was gross, basically how it was the nastiest pizza ever. Only to find out that the woman I was complaining to (in front of all my friends)? Was the owner’s wife. GAH. I still want to die thinking about that.

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43. By Leah on Jul 27, 2011

    Oh man, yes. This happens to me all the time.

    Even worse though, is what I actually say to interupt my brain. “I HATE cheesecake!”

    WTH? I don’t hate cheesecake. I quite like cheesecake. But I swear it just automatically comes out of my mouth as soon as a terrible memory pops into my head. Without any input from me. EVERY TIME. But then my brain stops and it’s all good, I guess.

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44. By Pixie on Jul 27, 2011

    Not only do I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about, but I was just discussing this precise phenomenon last week with the therapist I’m seeing to help me deal with the crippling, paralyzing anxiety I feel whenever (among other things) I recall one of those memories. The first technique she’s having my try–and I have to say that I have already noticed a marked decline in my anxiety when I use it–is something that sounds really stupid, but dammitall if it isn’t helping.

    First she explained that, exactly as you’ve termed it, we have to interrupt our brains. That when we get going on one of those thought spirals where we can’t stop the memories/thoughts and we’re feeling yucky (embarrassed, anxious, or whatever other negative feeling), our brains are actually releasing chemicals and hormones that reinforce and perpetuate those unpleasant feelings. And what we need to do is literally interrupt that process with something that will make us feel GOOD so that our brains will, in that moment, stop making those chemicals and instead release chemicals and hormones that make us feel good and happy…and once that happens, it’s much easier for us to 1) deal with the memory of the embarrassing moment; and 2) focus on better things…things that don’t make us cringe and feel bad.

    So here’s what she has me do. Anytime I realize I’m starting to think about something like that, I’m supposed to say to myself–either out loud or in my head (definitely out loud at first, until I get better at it)– “Stop; cancel; clear.” And then IMMEDIATELY think of something that makes you incredibly happy…something that always makes you smile involuntarily and “melt” inside. For me, it’s my cat, who I think is just adorable beyond words, and who has this way of walking into the room, settling down on the floor, and then rolling over onto her back with her paws dangling in the air and looking directly at me, like, “What? Am I cute or something?” It just never fails to make me smile. So my mantra is now, “Stop, cancel, clear. Think of the kitty.” I say those words out loud to myself, or in my head, and I immediately mentally picture the cat doing all the cute things she does on a regular basis. It it makes me smile, and I almost immediately stop thinking about whatever thing had me all anxious and embarrassed and freaking out.

    Sometimes I have to do it a few times in a row; I’ll do it once and feel better, and then my mind goes back to the original thoughts. So I’ll do it again…sometimes three or four or five times in a row. And then, next thing I know, my brain is off in an entirely different direction and it’s 15 minutes later and I didn’t even realize I’d stopped thinking about the embarrassing memory.

    I recommend trying it. It sounds stupid, but…well, it’s working for me. Maybe it’ll work for others as well. :)

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45. By BKC on Jul 27, 2011

    I only have to interrupt my brain when it randomly pulls up scenes from the Final Destination movies, and I can’t get them out of my head and I think I’m going to cry.

    But those embarrassing moments? Oy, they stick too. Like when I was in 8th grade and I accidently mixed up Jim Croce and Jim Henson (whatever, I WAS 12) in English class and everybody laughed. Or when the whole school was jogging laps for a fitness test and the really cool, nice, cute gym teacher stuck out his hand for a high five just before I went past, and I totally reached for it, but HE PULLED IT BACK BECAUSE IT WAS MEANT FOR THE POPULAR PREPPY GIRL RUNNING BEHIND ME. That one still hurts. Obviously high-fives should just be outlawed permanently.

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    Becky Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    HE DID NOT! Oh my God. That is terrible!

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46. By Kristin H on Jul 27, 2011

    Oh my god, LizScott, that made me laugh. But in a good way, I swear.

    I do this ALL THE TIME and I don’t know why it never occurred to me that other people do it too. Usually mine are in the middle of the night, keeping me awake. Like the time my parents came down to my college to take me and my roommate out to dinner for my birthday. I had been wanting and wanting a leather bomber jacket, and as their birthday gift they gave me $100 and told me it was for the jacket. Instead of being grateful, I rolled my eyes and said there was no way I could get a GOOD bomber jacket for that money, and I’d need at least $300. This, to my parents, who were PAYING FOR MY COLLEGE (and trying desperately not to go broke) and who drove three hours, one way, to take me out to dinner. What an ass I am. I should probably apologize. (I’m 39 now.)

    I’ve found that when I start to dwell, it helps me to remember that the other person is surely not thinking about this right now, and in fact probably has not given the embarrassing moment one second of thought since it happened. But I should still seriously apologize to my parents. Because: ass.

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    Superjules Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    OMG this just reminded me of something similar: After my freshman year in college my parents got me a cell phone as my birthday present. I had been wanting a cell phone and the one they got me was nice. So was I grateful? No! I EXPLAINED to them that a cell phone wasn’t a BIRTHDAY present- it was a necessity. It shouldn’t have been a PRESENT because it isn’t a real present, it should have just been something extra that they should have gotten me anyhow. Oh I’m such a ass.

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47. By Josefina on Jul 27, 2011

    Oh! Speaking of testicles! The commenter above made me remember that one time in my zoology lab in college we were dissecting rats. I had been very sheltered and brought up to be extremely modest, and the rats had HUGE nuts. Like, ENORMOUS. My zoology professor was kind of smarmy and creeped me out a bit anyway. He walked up to my lab partner and me and wanted us to name parts of the rat as he pointed at them, and of course he pointed at the testicles while looking at me. I couldn’t say it. I just couldn’t. It was ridiculous, I flushed with shame, I knew I was of an age–and in a situation–that I really should be able to say, “testicles,” but I couldn’t do it. I don’t remember how or by whom testicles was eventually said (not by me), but I remember how disappointed he looked in me.

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48. By Maggie on Jul 27, 2011

    Ah god, so many embarrassing memories to contend with. Usually I find my brain is full up between work stress and parenting stuff to remember to recall these moments, but then suddenly out of nowhere they pop into my head.

    Of course two of bad memories involve inadvertently replying to emails from people instead of forwarding them to my husband. I made snarky comments in them intended for my husband, but of course sent them to the person who sent me the emails. One was the director of my son’s day care who I saw EVERY DAY thereafter until he went to elementary school (two years later). The other is a woman in my office who I have to interact with semi-annually. I consider banning myself from using email ever again every time I have to interact with her. UGH.

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    shannon Reply:
    July 28th, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    Eek. This one just made me think of the time I hit “Reply All” in response to the umpteen-millionth email forward from someone in the office I used to work in. There were several women who multiple times a day forwarded emails with cute cat pictures, “inspirational” quotes, bible passages, chain letters, or celebrity gossip. One day one of them forwarded an email about how actress Cindy Williams, of “Laverne & Shirley” fame, had written an article denouncing military pay raises, which was just untrue (http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/gipay.asp), and I’d just had enough. I hit “Reply All” and fired off a missive about checking your facts and not mindlessly forwarding email just because it lands in your inbox. My email went to every person in the office, as well as the woman’s extended family and a lot of her friends. I think I realized my error (read: I acted like a complete ass) within half an hour, told everyone I wasn’t feeling well, and left for the day. Although I’ve never thought what I SAID was wrong, I was really embarrassed that for some reason I chose “Reply All.” Seriously, why did I choose to take a stand about Shirley Feeney’s reputation in such a very pubic way? I apologized to the woman, and I think, the rest of the office.

    Part of the reason the incident has stuck with me is that the office manager gave me a talking-to the next day about my “inappropriate political statement.” To which I responded, “Saying that a person should verify factual information before passing it on is not a political.” She did not agree. But I always thought she was dumber than a box of hair anyway.

    I still think about the incident fairly frequently, but try to console myself with the knowledge that I learned a valuable lesson – Reply All: Don’t Do It.

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49. By H on Jul 27, 2011

    Thank you, TJ, for this post! I was having a horrible, no good, very bad day but I have been laughing myself to tears reading these comments. You and your readers have helped me out today.

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50. By Natalie on Jul 27, 2011

    When this happens to me, I make a face. It doesn’t help stop the replay, but I can’t help doing it. But I can usually stop the replay by thinking about something else. I have a short attention span.

    I have a couple. A few months ago we were at the Humane Society looking at dogs. When we left (without a dog) a family was coming in the door at the same time and a very small boy held the door for me. I said, “good boy!” like I was talking to a dog. I meant to say “good job” but it came out wrong. I don’t know if his parents noticed, but my husband sure did.

    I mentioned in another comment on another post that I had been asked to stop singing karaoke before. That one was pretty awful. In high school I was sort of a fringe member of drama club. We were on a bus for a class trip and were taking turns singing karaoke. I was singing Pinball Wizard. After every verse, they would ask me “want to stop?” and I would keep saying no. I sang the whole song and didn’t realize until years later that I was COMPLETELY AWFUL and that it wasn’t just that the guy running the karaoke machine wanted a turn.
    *blush*

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51. By BKC on Jul 27, 2011

    Okay, last one, and it’s recent. I worked reception, and I tried to page the maintenance guy to RECEPTION at his CONVENIENCE, but my brain mushed it up, so on the overhead paging system, in a nursing home, I paged the cute ex-miliary maintenance guy to MEEET ME AT CONCEPTION. Can I tell you how well that went over?

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    Linnea Welch Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    OH! Mashed up words! I once was trying to warn a friend, “Hold on, pardon me, I have to fart.” only, what I *actually* said was “Hold me, I have a fart.”

    Yeah… never gonna live that one down…

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    rsngphoenix8 Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    Ha ha those are too great!! While working at medical billing I once asked a patient for his occult number!

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    H Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    I remembered one of mine – back in the day, I was wearing a pager and I told an older, kind of uptight coworker that I had to go because my vibrator was going off. Of course, I meant to say my pager was vibrating.

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    joanna Reply:
    July 28th, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    oh GAWD, for all the pieces in this thread, I could hardly *read* them at *all* because I was laughing too hard.

52. By Hannah on Jul 27, 2011

    Oh, I am SO glad this is not just me. I still remember and cringe over things that I DID NOT EVEN DO, but that people mocked me for anyway, way back to 1st or 2nd grade. I don’t know that I have any sort of “twitch” or “outburst” or anything to make them go away; I just sort of try to ignore it until the revisited shame passes and I can move on.

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53. By Robyn on Jul 27, 2011

    I was on a plane recently, and ended up sitting next to one of my state’s U.S. senators. Normally I am the person who immediately puts on headphones, smiles politely at her row-mates, and ignores them for the rest of the flight in favor of US Weekly. But because my company actually does national policy work, and I was on a work trip, I felt sort of obligated to at least introduce myself and tell him a little about my org. We had a nice exchange, but then the other guy in our row sort of took over the conversation and I was annoyed. So after a while they started talking about Government Agency A and I saw my opening. I leapt in with, “Oh yes, my org did some very high-level work with Government Official B recently,” and it was only after a brief uncomfortable moment of ‘hi, crazy’ blank staring that I realized that I was thinking of the completely wrong Agency and that Government Official B did not in fact have anything to do with what they were talking about. I just sounded like an overeager idiot desperate to insert herself into the conversation with the Senator and obliterated any impression he may have had that I am a well-spoken professional.

    When memories such as those surface (and oh, there are many), I will often (involuntarily) begin humming or singing pop songs in a weird, frantic way. Which, if anyone is around, can result in another awkwardly painful moment (HAHA OH HI JUST OVER HERE BURSTING INTO SONG ALONE WHAT YOU DON’T LIKE BRITNEY SPEARS?).

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54. By Tracy on Jul 27, 2011

    The one I most frequently fixate on is when I was in sixth grade I wanted desperately to be cool like my seventh grade next door neighbor. She invited me to her birthday party and at some point I went to use the bathroom and AFTER I WAS DONE 3 older “cool” boys jumped out of the shower. They had watched me from behind the shower curtain. It was mortifying and I still hold grudeges against those boys. I still look behind shower curtains before I pull my pants down in other people’s houses.

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    Natalie Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    I think this might be evil. Were they just standing in there waiting for someone to come in? I know teenage boys are idiots, but come on. Who the hell thought this was a good idea? I think maybe you should find those boys and kick them in the teeth. Or, you know, other areas.
    I’m so sorry that happened to you.

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55. By Superjules on Jul 27, 2011

    - I went on this adventure trip in high school with a bunch of kids from other schools. All of the other kids were kind of cliquey and didn’t seem to like me for some reason (I got up too early, enjoyed the natural beauty of where we were too much, I didn’t want to go out to the woods and smoke pot). Anyhow, this one day we were all hanging out in one of the bunk rooms and one of the girls asked me to take a photo of her and another girl. Somehow, I misinterpreted this and thought she wanted a photo WITH ME. So I HANDED MY CAMERA to the other girl who was supposed to be in the photo. She took our photo and then they had me take their photo, which was CLEARLY what they had wanted in the first place, I realized after noticing their snickery-eyerolly-glances at each other.

    - I had an on again off again relationship with this boy in high school, but before any of the on-ness began we were intensely flirty for a few weeks. So we had been flirty for awhile and I had this feeling he liked me and I REALLY liked spending time with him, what with all the attention he was giving my shy, 16 year old self. And then on this one day he seemed to just… STOP. I didn’t know what was going on but we both played in the school pep band at the football games, which were on Saturdays. So I was looking forward to seeing him outside class and maybe getting back to our flirty back-and-forth. As we were setting up our area, another boy came and sat in between us. I spent the ENTIRE football game asking this other kid if he would trade seats with me. He never did, probably because the guy I liked had told him not to. So the guy I liked ignored me for the WHOLE game and what did I do? When I got home from the game, I CALLED him and asked him straight up “Did you ever like me?”
    “Uh. Yes.”
    “Do you at all anymore?”
    “Um… just as friends.”
    “Okay. Thank you for being honest.” [Hangs up.] [Bursts into tears.]
    [Twelve years later continues to die of shame.]

    - Stupid things while drinking. Oh, the mortification.

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56. By shannon on Jul 27, 2011

    I was managing editor of law review, and we held a banquet at the end of the year where we gave out some awards. I was designated to call people up to the podium to receive their awards, and one of the people’s last name was “Bosse.” I had talked to her frequently while we worked together, but anytime I ever had reason to use her name, I of course, only used her first name. It had never come up that I didn’t know how to pronounce her last name–and in fact I did not even realize I didn’t know how to pronounce her last name–until the 3 seconds before I actually had to say her full name, reading names off the list. So I roll the dice and say, “[so-and-so] Bossy” knowing I had about a 50% chance that that was correct. Immediately 50 (it could have been 3 but it sounded like A LOT) immediately shout (or said in totally normal, indoor speaking voices), “BOSS!” And because, in that moment, all I wanted was for the floor to open up and swallow me whole, I say, “Well, yeah, whatever.” So now, not only do I look like an insensitive jerk who doesn’t even know a person’s name AFTER A WHOLE YEAR OF WORKING WITH HER, I look like a doubly insensitive jerk WHO DOESN’T EVEN CARE.

    I was mortified and ended up getting really drunk and crying after the banquet (I attribute at least a portion of that to the stress of the end of law school and preparing for the bar exam).

    The real kicker: the woman wasn’t even there and likely has never had any idea about my faux pas. But, no, that has never helped me stop thinking about it in the 5 years since it happened.

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57. By Melanie on Jul 27, 2011

    OMG, I do this all the time. I can barely read the comments because they are triggering me to remember all my terrible embarrassing moments. I usually have to say something out loud and do a little wiggle – well, more like a full body seizure – to get rid of the memories. The worst is when they come to me in the car and then I can’t stop thinking about them.

    I have so many, but one is in 4th grade when my mom made me carpool to an activity with the most popular girl in school. Afterwards, her mom took us to McDonald’s on the way home, and I was trying to open a ketchup packet with my teeth, and it opened and squirted up my nose. THE SHAME. And not only did popular girl laugh at me then, but she proceeded to tell the whole class the next day that I had squirted ketchup up my nose! I think I blushed for a few WEEKS at school after that one.

    I am still blushing now just thinking about it. WHY DID I TRY TO OPEN IT WITH MY TEETH?!

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    Katie Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    What? I thought that was the only way to properly open ketchup packets.

    I’ve had stubby little nonexistent nails my whole life ’cause I bite them, so for the longest time I couldn’t open anything with my nails and used my teeth instead. Because, you know. They’re made of the same thing.

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    joanna Reply:
    July 28th, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    Preach it, sister.

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58. By Natalie on Jul 27, 2011

    I have one for the empathy files too. When I was in about 5th or 6th grade I had a friend whose parents were very straight-laced and religious. We were not. I had a sleepover and my mom took us rolling, or tp-ing, or whatever you want to call it – vandalism in a mild form. My friend got so excited that she peed her pants a little. In my mom’s car.

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59. By Lisa on Jul 27, 2011

    All. The. Time. Especially when driving or in the shower.Apparently that’s when my demons are allowed out to play. I replay/relive all sorts of dumb, embarrassing, goofy tings I have do0ne or MIGHT HAVE done. I have been known to mentally rehearse conversations that MIGHT occur. And yes, I sometimes talk it out. I also hum (like whatever song is in my head) all the time. I used to think I was silent humming until me husband teoldme “No honey, I can hear you” EEK!

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60. By Emma M. on Jul 27, 2011

    When I was about 16, for some reason I still acted a lot more like a 13-year-old. Anyway, I was all the way across the country in California with some people getting ready to go to a Big Fancy Dance. And there was this girl a little older than me who was wearing an enormous hoop skirt to the Big Fancy Dance. It was pretty awesome.

    So, there’s this cat, and it crawls in under the hoop skirt, and everyone’s laughing. And then, for GOD KNOWS WHAT REASON, I decided, hey, I’ll get in there too! And I CRAWLED UNDER HER SKIRT. Me and the cat. Just like, hey guys.

    It didn’t occur to me until a year or two later how incredibly inappropriate that was. I still cringe thinking about it. It’s been nine years.

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61. By C on Jul 27, 2011

    This happens to me all the time!
    The most frequently occurring embarrassing memory would be the time in school when my friend tripped me walking up the stairs…not so bad, until you factor in that his older brother (by 3 years, I was around 14)was walking down the stairs and I grabbed hold of his jeans to keep from falling face first, alas all I managed to do was pull his jeans down and fall face first into his crotch.
    Cringe, everytime.

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62. By Liz on Jul 27, 2011

    Oh the memories…

    That time, the summer before freshman year of high school (which is oh-so-angst-ridden anyway), when the super cute new kid in town was waving in my general direction (I was on that pirate ship ride that swings back and forth – I think it’s a requirement at any small-town fair/carnival). Before I even knew what I was doing, my hand was waving back as I smiled a big smile. Then, as if in slow motion, I turned to my left & see another girl waving at him. He was waving at her, not me! Duh! I could have stayed on the stupid ride all night!!

    And then, that time at summer camp – also the summer before freshman year of high school (clearly an embarassing time in my life!). We were at lunch or dinner, and one person at the table was always responsible for filling the pitcher of water for the rest of the table (irrelevant, but whatever). I got stuck at some table with girls who were clearly very popular in their non-summer camp lives! Make-up was always on, cute outfits, flirting with boys, etc. I was constantly sweating (NO AC PEOPLE!) & wearing various tshirts from sports I participated in. Okay, so I was probably, legitimately, dehydrated looking back, but I could not get enough water! And this particularly unfortunate looking girl – who had aligned herself with the popular girls – (no, I’m not still bitter. Why do you ask?) makes some comment that she has no water, and she just had a full glass. Where could her water have gone? At which point she snears in my direction and everyone lauuughhhsss!! I could have died. I am sure I turned beet-red & did not allow myself to drink any more water at the rest of dinner or lunch or whatever it was…

    And then the time, when I was 20 or so, and I drank too much. A couple of girls from HS went to my college, and they were in the “popular” crowd in high school. For some reason I launched into how much I couldn’t stand one of them, made fun of her & everything about her. She left the party CRYING b/c I was being an absolute asshole. At the time, I must have thought I was whispering or something – clearly, I was not. I STILL feel TERRIBLE about this, and wonder if I should apologize when we have a class reunion! Ugh… shameful, shameful moment!!

    GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

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63. By Home Sweet Sarah on Jul 27, 2011

    Oh god. Just read this: http://www.homesweetsarah.com/?p=213

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64. By Veronica on Jul 27, 2011

    When that starts happening to me, I put music on really loud and do nothing but think about the music. It sometimes helps and other times, I still end up having a fueled by shame and embarassment panic attack.

    Needless to say, it is not just you.

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65. By Rhonda on Jul 27, 2011

    I have never thought of trying to interrupt my brain. That is genius.

    My moment was when I was about 11 or 12 and a friend asked me to call a boy for her. Well that went fine but afterwards I thought it would be smart to burn the piece of paper I wrote his number on – get rid of the evidence. So with my mum’s lighter I burnt the paper and dropped it into the rubbish bag. This was a paper rubbish bag back in the old days. And it was kind of fun so I burnt some more paper. I ended up setting the paper rubbish bag on fire and had to get my dad to deal with it – hitting it with my sleeve did not put out the fire surprisingly. Anyway my mum was out at the time and when she got home came to talk to me about it and was all ‘I’m not angry I just want to know what’s going on with you’.

    I didn’t want to tell her about calling the boy so I just sat there saying “I don’t know”. I don’t really remember how it ended but I know I got grounded. And I had burnt a hole in my school unifrom sweatshirt so everyday I wore it after that I relived it all.

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66. By elembee123 on Jul 27, 2011

    Oh god, I can so relate! I’m rather socially…um…stunted, so it’s not a matter of IF I’ll say/do something stupid, it’s WHEN it will happen. And yes, the memories of these events manage to escape their locked storage cabinet in my brain and torture the hell out of me years after the fact. It’s maddening! I do have to say I really like the distraction techniques in this thread and will give them a try.

    My personal experience that I keep reliving is an event that still mortifies me 30 years later! I haven’t told a soul about it until now.

    My husband and I were at Costco. He’d wandered off to look at the electronics and I was browsing through the books, keeping one eye on my husband.

    After some time had passed, I distractedly wandered over to where my husband stood and lovingly laid my head down on his shoulder…only to discover to my horror that the man upon whose shoulder I was now resting and who was similarly dressed as my other half, was actually NOT the man I married, but some random stranger.

    Cringe-worthy, right? Wait. It gets worse.

    When he jerked his head up to look at this stranger (me) invading his space, I realized my horrible mistake and immediately started apologizing and trying to explain. You’d think that my protestations would show that I’d made a huge mistake and mollify the situation, but you’d be wrong.

    In an overly loud voice, he said, “GEEZ LADY!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!” and of course, everyone within hearing distance turned and looked. And THEN continuing to mutter and generally act like I’d given him the plague, he rushed out of the store.

    And then I died. Right there on the spot. Dead.

    GAH! I’m breaking out in a nervous sweat just typing this.

    [Reply]

    Katie Reply:
    July 27th, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    Wow, how rude! You apologized and he still acted like a total jerk about it? I’m so sorry that happened to you!

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    Carmen Reply:
    July 28th, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    This reminds me of something that happened TO me, something that might be torturing someone else now that it’s 16 years later. I was standing in the library at university and someone came up behind me, slipped his arms around my waist and starting kissing my neck. This was fairly surprising to me, as I didn’t have a boyfriend at that point. The poor guy turned white and then tripped all over himself with apologies & explanations when I turned around, as he’d thought I was his girlfriend. I didn’t shriek at him though, I was gentle and joked with him (while doing a fair amount of biting my tongue so as not to laugh hysterically). That was very rude of that guy in Costco. I mean, you just made a mistake, obvs.

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    elembee123 Reply:
    July 28th, 2011 at 9:53 pm

    Thanks, ya’ll…yeah, I still go back and forth between being mortified and saying every expletive I know at him in my mind. But still…? Oh, so embarrassing even now. Gah!

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67. By Staciepo on Jul 27, 2011

    So I have a fair amount of embarrassing things… generally just being the not popular girl (bouts of bad hair and/or fashion), always having a crush girl where some WRONG person found out about said crush and made it quite public! I also fell on my butt while I was in colorguard in the middle of a downtown parade. I don’t get crazy, insistent flashes of these, though. Just quick cringes.
    The thing I have once in awhile and has been increasing is this visceral sensation when driving on a long stretch of road. It is like I’m simultaneously nauseous and want to jump out of my skin. It used to just be a quick flash while on a long drive. Then it happened when I had to drive myself and fiance through a tunnel in the Allegheny Mountains in PA on the way to NC. Tunnels never had bothered me, but the sensation lasted through the whole tunnel- ugh! Had to slow down and take deep breaths. Now it happens a little more often- like I’m psyching myself into this awful feeling; and it is so physical like a reflex rather than something I can control! I usually have to look around, turn to music from talk radio, deep breaths, etc. I prob am the only one with this nuttiness… it def was a feat to explain my radio silence to my fiance in the tunnel!

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68. By gingerest on Jul 27, 2011

    From Dave Barry’s Greatest Hits (Barry D, 1988, Ballantine), specifically the essay The Embarrassing Truth, which I recommend you read all of because it’s funny:

    Your brain cherishes embarrassing memories. It likes to take them out and fondle them. This probably explains a lot of unexplained suicides. A successful man with a nice family and a good career will be out on his patio, cooking hamburgers, seemingly without a care in the world, when his brain, rummaging through its humiliating-incident collection, selects an old favorite, which it replays for a zillionth time, and the man is suddenly so overcome by feelings of shame that he stabs himself in the skull with his barbecue fork. At the funeral, people say how shocking it was, a seemingly happy and well-adjusted person choosing to end it all. They assume he must have had a terrible dark secret involving drugs or organized crime or dressing members of the conch family in flimsy undergarments. Little do they know he was thinking about the time in Social Studies class in 1963 when he discovered a hard-to-reach pimple roughly halfway down his back, and he got to working on it, subtly at first, but with gradually increasing intensity, eventually losing track of where he was, until suddenly he realized the room had become silent, and he looked up, with his arm stuck halfway down the back of his shirt, and he saw that everybody in the class, including the teacher, was watching what he was doing, and he knew they’d give him a cruel nickname that would stick like epoxy cement for the rest of his life, such as when he went to his 45th reunion, even if he had been appointed Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, the instant his classmates saw him, they’d shriek: “Hey look! It’s ZIT!”

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69. By gingerest on Jul 27, 2011

    By the way, I have developed the possibly disconcerting habit, whenever I have what I think of as a barbecue-fork thought, of announcing to my husband, “I love you.” I don’t know how this happened, but it’s sort of like warding off a vampire with a cross, except the net result is that in a quiet moment I will declare my affections in a tone of voice that suggests I might at any moment expire of sheer humiliation.

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70. By Deedee on Jul 27, 2011

    13 years old. Trying to be so cool hanging with the surfer guys. The 13 year old surfer guys. (Who maybe aren’t so cool, really, to anyone other than a 13 year old surfer girl.) Flirtingly ask one if I can ride his bike. Ride his bike back and forth on the beach path. Bring the bike back, get off and…he says “why is my bike seat all red?” Um…great time to start your period. Blood everywhere in a crowd of 13 year old boys. I thought that was absolutely the end of my life. Right there. It took YEARS before I could put that into any kind of perspective. So it is not a problem now, but yeah, for many years that was the thought I had to drum out of my brain. All the time. I could probably tell you at least 25 other embarrassing moments of my life, but this is the ultimate that I still refer to when things are bad (I lived through that so I can get through anything!)

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    elembee123 Reply:
    July 28th, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    Oh god! I remember being so embarrassed for a girl who had a similar experience. We were on a school field trip riding bikes from one end of some “nature park” to the other.

    Shortly after we started our ride, I noticed this one girl kept having to go to the bathroom each and every mile or so. Turns out it was her first period (surprise!) and she was wearing white shorts (yes) and kept telling everyone she sat in her fruit punch and needed to wash it out of her shorts or her mom would kill her.

    I was so embarrassed for her, especially since this was back in the 70′s when they didn’t stock bathrooms with personal product dispensers. No one had anything to lend her, and it was mid-summer so no one was wearing a jacket of any kind.

    Bless her heart, I still feel for her to this day!

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71. By Carrie on Jul 27, 2011

    Oh yes, I know what you are talking about. I still want to puke when I think about a prank I helped play in college. My two guy friends convinced me to write a fake secret admirer letter to one of their friends, arranging secret signal and such. I felt so guilty afterwards. I still feel guilty, even though the guy claims he knew it was a fake because of the “crappy boy writing.” Yes, my handwriting is terrible.

    Even worse, I found out later this guy had a crush on me.

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72. By sam on Jul 28, 2011

    I don’t have the embarrassment thing in my brain, but I did look at the Penny picture so I guess I have to tell a story. I accidentally told a group of teens what a bukkake was. It was a trainwreck of OMFG now what no I’m not having this conversation can I please die now?

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73. By ZombiePirate on Jul 28, 2011

    Dear goodness YES! I have this exact issue and by you telling us about it I have therefore naturally recalled the most recent embarassing moment in my life so now I have to hunt you down for making it intrude into my conscious mind! I was driving into work and pulled onto the car park before being told that the recent heavy rain had pulled all the oil from the tarmac and it was too slippy to drive on. I was then pointed towards the other end of the site so I could drive on from the other end. I pulled out, drive the 50 metres to the other end of the car park near our despatch area. I then couldn’t see a way onto the carpark so drove across the pavement and grass verge into the car park with everyone who was standing on the car park staring at me in disbelief… it was then I noticed the open gate in the fencing leading onto the carpark less than 10 metres to my right… Imagine a car mounting a small embankment to drive into the car park with a massive open gate right next to it… yah, I was the driver of that car!!!

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74. By TJSonntag on Jul 28, 2011

    I lied and told everyone in my 7th grade language arts class that I was Jewish, because it sounded interesting. And I am not. Interesting OR Jewish, actually. I also went through a period where I tried to convince people that my name was short for a different name, which it totally isn’t, because what could “Tracey” be short for? So yeah, TJ, I think we all do it.

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75. By danish on Jul 28, 2011

    I had to give my two week’s notice to my hot, smart, intimidating boss. The company totally screwed me and I was glad to be leaving.

    So I give him my two week’s notice, and he was genuinely shocked and saddened and kind of pleaded with me to stay as it was going to get better for me. Being a bundle of nerves and an emotional person anyway, I burst into tears. He said something funny and I laugh-sobbed and snot shot out of my nose. And neither of us had a tissue. I had to use the back of my hand.

    WILL NEVER FORGET IT.

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76. By CWanderlust on Jul 28, 2011

    I remember several times as a kid being asked by adults if I was from the city we lived in. And I would proudly respond “Born and bred”. BRED? OMG! This is one of those look back moments and just shake your head.
    Do over please.

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77. By Melissac on Jul 28, 2011

    Oh, the things I have done:

    I will leave you with the one I STILL live over and over every month. I dated my husband long distance for the first 8 months of our relationship. We met at a work conference and then he came to see me a few times. Finally (the 4th time I was seeing him in person, despite talking to him on the phone every day), I went to see him. I stayed in his apartment and he had a VERY mischievous dog at the time. On this visit, I got my period. I was mortified, but, uh, had the stuff to handle it. So, no big deal, right? I just buried the evidence in the wastebasket under some tissues in the bathroom (I know, it’s a natural part of life. Nothing to be embarrassed about. I know. But, I still was very embarrassed.) Well, on the 3rd morning of my stay, I heard him say to the dog, “What did you do? Did you get in the trash? ” as I got dressed. I prayed it was the kitchen trash as I hurried to put my clothes on (falling loudly as I struggled into my skirt) and ran out to the living room where my husband was cleaning up used, Uh, sanitary supplies that had been scattered around like confetti. I died, came back to life, and died again.

    Every month I throw that stuff away, I think if that moment. It’s been 7 years. SEVEN.

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78. By Amy K on Jul 28, 2011

    My book club read Cutting for Stone a few months ago, and the topic of female genital mutilation came up during our discussion. I realized hours later, after replaying it in my head, that I’d been saying genetic mutation instead of genital mutilation and everyone had been too polite to correct me. I’d just finished reading The Passage and apparently I had zombie DNA on my mind.

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    Natalie Reply:
    July 28th, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    This sounds like something I would be positively sure that I had done, but in actuality, had just managed to convince myself of it. Like thinking after I left the house that I left the milk out, even though I have never done such a thing, and didn’t this time either.
    Or, I’m pretty sure this might be your brain’s way of protecting you from having to say “genital mutilation”.

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79. By Natalie on Jul 28, 2011

    I thought of one in the “I wish I had acted differently” category. Even though I did not act at all terribly, I wish I had done something else.
    We had to put our kitty down in November. A couple of months later we were at the vet with a different kitty and there were some people in the waiting area who I could tell were bringing their dog in to be put down. I recognized the symptoms. I tried not to look at them because I didn’t want to pry, but after I walked out, I felt so strongly that I should have said something to them, reassured them somehow. Because I know, even though you know it’s the right thing, it’s still SO SO hard. And our vet is great, very understanding, but still, I just felt like maybe those people could have used the sympathy of a total stranger. Somehow.

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    rsngphoenix8 Reply:
    July 28th, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    I have a regretted non-action, too. My husband and I were driving through Pennsylvania or Virginia visiting family for Christmas and I spotted a man on a bicycle steering with one un-gloved hand while holding the other to his mouth to warm it. It was bitter cold and I had a spare pair of gloves that I felt urged to give to him, but I talked myself out of it. I hate that. It’s now a goal of mine to make sure I don’t do that again.

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80. By Lindsay on Jul 28, 2011

    The most recent embarrassing moment I keep replaying over and over includes a situation with a guy, and a lot of drinking, and what happens to a guy when he drinks a lot and tries to have “fun.” I guarantee I have a squished “oh my God that was so embarrassing for him” face every time it crosses my mind and people have to wonder what is up with the girl with the crazy face. We are still “friends” and have since decided to pretend like it never happened….

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81. By Kammah on Jul 28, 2011

    So, I’m in high school, which in and of itself is a pretty embarrassing time what with all the wearing of your dad’s old t-shirts and carrying two backpacks for all the BOOKS, MY GOD THE BOOKS (No? Just me on these?) and I’m walking down the hallway talking to a friend and I get to the stairs. And I fall down them. Hard. THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP. SEVEN. SEVEN STAIRS. And then EVERYONE IN THE HALLWAY LOOKS AT ME, because MY GOD, IS THAT GIRL EVEN ALIVE AFTER THAT? And my (apparently too tight for my ample bust, and no. I did not realize this) button up blouse had UNDONE ITSELF DRAMATICALLY what with all of the frenzied flailing I had tried to do to correct myself and then everyone started laughing and I didn’t realize what had happened for a minute and then I started crying and ran away.

    AND THIS IS WHY I’M NEVER GOING TO MY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION.

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    Natalie Reply:
    July 29th, 2011 at 6:20 am

    Oh NO. High school with ample bust is terrible. I remember once walking down the hallway and my front-hook bra spontaneously unhooked itself. Obviously I was wearing a shirt, and I’m not positive anyone noticed, but I was certainly late to class after running to the restroom and trying to shove those babies back in there. Luckily it wasn’t broken, just came undone. And this is why I no longer wear front-hooks!
    Ample bust ladies: front hook bras and button-up shirts, don’t do ‘em. Especially not together, ha!

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82. By Patty on Jul 29, 2011

    I remember in grade school playing some stupid game at recess where everyone follows the leader and does everything she does. So I was the leader and going through the playground jumping over things and after awhile I look around and no one is following me, they are behind the tree watching me walk around like a dork all by myself. It hurt my feeelings but I acted like I thought it was funny too.

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83. By Ammobunny on Jul 30, 2011

    I know I’m late to this party, but reading all this brought back to me THE most embarrassing (for me & other people, so, bonus, right?) event ever in my whole life. Which is over the half century mark.
    I was in my mid-forties, with periods that could be described charitably as unstable. I was deployed to Kuwait, and wearing the light brown/tan desert camo uniform. My career field was primarily male, so I was the only female around, working in an area that had only a non-functional-due-to-bombing toilet. The guys would just go behind the building to pee, and take the truck off to the main work area to do anything else.
    It was July, and even though it was extremely hot, it wasn’t too bad because it was so arid that the sweat dried up immediately, making you feel a bit cooler, as long as you stayed hydrated. So I spent the day in a bombed out building crushing brass and aluminum with a paving roller, and at the end of the day went to the main building with the others to give our daily update. The main boss took me aside and did this “Uh, Staff Sergeant, you need to — uh … you might want to … er … there seems to be a …”
    When I finally got him to quit sputtering, he told me I had a stain on my pants. Turned out that my unstable period had started a couple weeks out of cycle with a vengeance, and I hadn’t noticed because of the heat and it drying immediately. I’d spend the entire day around men too embarrassed to say anything to me, completely unaware. Took my dead-from-embarrassment self up the hill to where the only running water was and washed the pants out … by the time I walked down the hill again they were dry, and I just pretended nothing had ever happened, but part of me is sure those guys think about it every time they see a picture of that uniform or evry time their wives or daughters have a period.
    If I could have just walked off into the desert and disappeared, I’d have done it. It was the main reason I agreed to a hysterectomy.

    [Reply]

    Molly Reply:
    July 31st, 2011 at 10:34 am

    Oh god I am so sorry that happened to you! At least your pants dried super fast and no one thought to tease you about it – seriously though I wonder how many of the men actually noticed? I mean, I have been literally stunned at some of the things my husband hasn’t noticed because he’s off in his own world.

    I once had to tell my very tomboyish best friend that she had apparently gotten her period during class and didn’t realize it. GAH! it was 8th grade too so the height of embarrassment over “feminine issues”. I still cringe for her but at least she could wrap a sweater around her waist.

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84. By Ammobunny on Jul 30, 2011

    Hey,l after thinking about it, I feel like other people might think that was over-sharing. If you think so, just delete the last post, if you think it fits, just keep it, okay?
    Sheesh.

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85. By purplefroglet on Aug 4, 2011

    I am so glad I’m not the only person who does the make a noise to stop the horror thing. I live on my own so most of the time it doesn’t matter, but then I forget and do it when I’m around people. This then becomes one of the moments that I think about, starting the whole cycle off again. Blah!

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