Things I Got for Christmas, Part 1
December 29th, 2009 | by TJ |
A Batter Finger.
a handy spatula
Things I have done with my Batter Finger:
1. See above.
2. Scratched my head like I was thinking really hard.
3. Pointed at things.
A dotted robe.
I can’t believe I didn’t have a robe before now. Did you know all the things robes are good for?
1. For wearing when you’re not ready to get out of your pajamas, but you’re cold, but you don’t want to dirty extra clothes, because you’re just going to put on a whole new outfit anyway once you get dressed for the day.
2. For wearing when you get out of the shower for walking around when you don’t have clothes on yet because a towel is awkward and doesn’t stay on and always shows your nipple because you only have bath towels and not bath sheets because oh my god, have you even seen the cost of good bath towels these days?
3. For wearing when you’re getting ready to get dressed and your hair is still wet so you don’t get that really awkward wet spot that wet hair leaves on the back of your shirt because that is something that feels like it shouldn’t be embarrassing, but really kind of is.
This fantastic makeup.
My mom… I mean, Santa… doesn’t even wear makeup, but she – he – gets better and better at picking it out for me every year. Or, Santa has clued in to the idea that me and my sister and Santa all pretty much have the same coloring and that the clerks at the Sephora that just opened in Santa’s hometown are eager to please. And those two things at the end of the arrows? I’M NOT KIDDING THEY’RE ACTUALLY MAGICAL. They’re clear inside those tubes and then? When they’re on my face? I don’t look like a Dexter Victim.
OH YEAH CURRENT POP CULTURE REFERENCE.
Know what else was in my box of fantastical surprises from Santa?
Do you even believe how awesome my mom is?
And my mom got to watch Brinkley open his entire stocking, because we Skyped into Christmas.
That’s right, Internet. We Skyped into Christmas, just like Dooce Skypes into Oprah.
We had to get up at 4:30 in the morning, but it made my mom pretty happy.
I wore this for the rest of the day.
Stay tuned for Things I Got for Christmas, Part 2, in which I show you photos of each pot and pan I got for Christmas and demand that you explain to me, specifically, what each one is used for, whether I use them in the oven, on the stove, or both, and take copious notes. It’s gonna be fun!
Update:
Man, I knew y’all liked me, but wanting to dress like me is taking it a little far, don’t you think?
Nah, I’m just joshin’ ya. I think it’s totally adorable. Imitation, flattery, etc!
Go here to get a shirt just like mine! Let’s wear them on Mondays!
Also? Here’s the one I got last year. Let’s wear that one on Thursdays!
By Squirrel on Dec 29, 2009
And in your post about men being able to picture almost any woman naked immediately, you do realise that a spotted robe like that completely negates the ability. It’s like stealth technology, no matter how hot the woman, we can’t see through anything with that many colours and dots…
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TJ Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 7:27 am
Well, if a woman wanted to be seen naked, I doubt she’d be wearing a dotted robe, now, would she?
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By Brien on Dec 29, 2009
You should also use the finger to wag at Phil in a nagging manner.
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TJ Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 7:48 am
I have so very, very little left to save for marriage. I think I can hold off finger wagging for 10 more months.
Maybe.
It seemed easier to wait before I had this novelty spatula.
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Iain Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 8:45 am
And if ever you want to hold up your hand because you know the answer to a question but it’s so hot that any movement means instant heatstroke, you can merely wave the finger around.
Extra points if you do it with a “Sir! Sir! I know Sir!” look.
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TJ Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 8:55 am
Goooood one!
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Iain Reply:
December 30th, 2009 at 12:14 am
By Elune, how did we forget that it can also be used to poke Phil when he’s trying to ignore the “Phil. Phhiiilll” part of the conversations?!
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By DJ on Dec 29, 2009
Good Morning! TJ what an interesting way to post a picture of your breasts!
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TJ Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 7:56 am
I know you’re not new, because if you were, your comment would have gotten held for moderation. So I’m just going to assume you just went a little damn insane this morning when you sat down to comment and you’ll be back to normal the next time.
Because as anyone can tell, that is a picture in a loosely fitting t-shirt that in no way is intended to invite a comment on my breasts. I mean, of course, you could make the argument that my breasts are, indeed, INSIDE the loosely fitting t-shirt. But since it’s not tight or low-cut, they’re obviously not the focus of the picture.
So right. You must have done gone and lost your mind when you decided to comment on my boobs this morning when I haven’t been to sleep yet, sir.
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By DJ on Dec 29, 2009
Sorry TJ, I am only a man!
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Chris Anthony Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 8:45 am
I’m kind of surprised that you chose this post to comment on, when TJ posted, much more clearly, an actual photograph of a breast just last week: http://temerity-jane.com/?p=2131
(Also: didn’t the “I’m only a man” excuse go out of style in, like, the 60s? Seriously, you have had forty years to learn how to be a human being instead of a walking cliché. Have fun believing that the internet gives you the right to be an anonymous douchenozzle. The rest of us will be over here never taking you seriously again.)
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TJ Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 8:57 am
Good point, Chris. That was indeed a much more defined breast than is visible anywhere in this post.
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By Becky on Dec 29, 2009
Um, I was going to ask if you know where the person who got you that t-shirt got it because it’s awesome and I want one (I’m just a bit of a House fan). But now the boob guy just made it awkward.
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TJ Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Just pretend you don’t see him, because honestly, I… I don’t even know what to say. And I’m kind of hoping some sensible, well-spoken man will come rip him a new one. Because, COME ON. Out of line. And lame apology. And lame excuse.
But my mom got two, one for me and one for my brother, so I will ask her where she got them. It is an awesome shirt, isn’t it?
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By Jen_Ann_W on Dec 29, 2009
I’ve seen that shirt in a catalog I think. It’s AWESOME. So are your boobs. What?! Seriously, if it was a V-neck I can kind of see a comment like that showing up, but that was completely out of left field. SOMEbody isn’t getting any, apparently.
Can’t wait to see your pots. Maybe you’ll get a comment about your hot ass on that one.
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TJ Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 9:01 am
It is my second House t-shirt. I got one last year, too. It’s a brown one that says, you know, “HOUSE” on the front (which now makes me want to say “Road House” and giggle every time I see it) and has some quotes about being a misanthropic cripple on the back. Good stuff.
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By Pike on Dec 29, 2009
I see no boobs. Only an awesome shirt.
I actually didn’t get any witty shirts for Christmas this year, which is unusual because I typically get at least one.
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TJ Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Phil got an Angel Investigations shirt. I don’t know what it means but apparently it’s clever and/or nerdy.
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Jen_Ann_W Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Angel = spin-off from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It’s a bit nerdy but it’s David Boreanaz so I’m all over it like white on rice. He’s one of those middle-less type guys for sure.
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By Awlbiste on Dec 29, 2009
That t-shirt owns. I need to find one so I can give it to Rehevkor for some kind of gift-giving occasion. Because oh man, awesome.
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TJ Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 8:59 am
When I call my mom later, to ask her where she got it, even after she answers the phone and says hello and knows who is on the phone, I will probably do this a few times:
“Maaaaam. Maam. Maaaaaam.”
Like Cartman. Until she’s like “WHAT!”
I already told another commenter I’d ask where she got it, so I thought I’d elaborate further for you.
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By Iain on Dec 29, 2009
I feel so ashamed and somehow lacking in Win that I don’t understand the T-shirt at all, aside from something to do with House. (Thanks, above commenter!)
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TJ Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 8:55 am
House works at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital.
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Marc Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 11:36 am
I once went to that hospital… I was quite disappointed that I never saw House or any of his lackeys
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Chris Anthony Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 9:09 am
If it makes you feel better, I didn’t understand the connection to House until it was explained to me. Clearly the Win is weak in me.
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By Chaninn on Dec 29, 2009
Big fluffy robes rock! Love the polka dots. =)
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TJ Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 8:54 am
I wear it ALL the time. I have no idea how I got by without a robe. Seriously. How was I not a robe person before now?
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By Pj on Dec 29, 2009
I find that getting a woman a robe is always a good gift. I am glad the two main gifts I got Sara this year have both gotten a lot of mileage already: pajamas, and a laptop.
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By Delicia on Dec 29, 2009
Since we recently moved, my wonderful fluffy robe is packed away in some box I have yet to discover in the still-mountain of boxes in my garage. It is sad. I have therefore stolen my husband’s robe in the interim, which although not fluffy, is at least bigger than mine so I can snuggle deep into it.
I really should start watching House someday..
-Del
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By Willow on Dec 29, 2009
There’s not much better than a warm, comfy robe. Congrats on the awesome loot.
I consider myself extremely fortunate to have received not only a fluffy, leopard-print robe & slippers but also really groovy, fluffy, blue plaid footie jammies. OH! And Patriots slippers that look like cartoon-version hi-top sneakers.
Happy-Merry Winter stuff!
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By Kat on Dec 29, 2009
What is the right-hand tube, woman?! I must know where to find this magical non-corpsing elixir for myself!
(also, I’m kind of bored with my tinted moisturizer and we have a Sephora, so, you know.)
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By Bernie on Dec 31, 2009
If you were hiding in a circus the polka dot robe would make you nearly invisible. Then I thought could anything hide awsome?
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