Things I CANNOT EVEN HANDLE RIGHT NOW.
February 28th, 2011 | by TJ |1. The hideous ass cramp that sometimes vanishes for just long enough that I think I have conquered it BUT I HAVE NOT. And my BUTT HURTS. And it is hard to continually look on the bright side of things when you have a literal pain in your ass. Also, it is hard to not say, “I HAVE AN ASS CRAMP” every time someone asks how you’re doing.
2. The hilarious editorial comments my sister sprinkled through the bed rest care package slash baby spoiling box she recently sent, most especially the particular post it placed on one of the onesies in a set of three sold as a package:
3. Our terrible couch and the fact that I have to go sit on it in 9 minutes in order to watch How I Met Your Mother with Phil. It’s not that I don’t want to watch it and it’s not that I don’t want to spend time with Phil and it’s not that I’m not happy to spend time outside of the bedroom, it’s just that it is THE WORST COUCH EVER and as someone dealing with a constant level of bed-inflicted discomfort, I am completely defenseless against this couch and as we watch the show, I slowly list more and more to one side until I am eventually tilted and slumped and usually at a perfect level for a dog to breathe RIGHT IN MY FACE.
4. Reality and the very real fact that a BABY COULD ARRIVE ANY DAY and every time I think that, I think, “Oh, self, don’t be so dramatic,” except I am NOT BEING DRAMATIC and that is EXACTLY HOW IT IS, and while 7 more weeks would be great, that doesn’t mean that that’s what will happen and the concept of ANY DAY between now and then potentially being THE DAY is mind boggling.
5. Baby washcloths and other teeny baby items that for some reason, I feel it is necessary to actually RESEARCH before purchasing. OH MY GOD, SELF. Search. Click. Cart. Purchase. MOVE ON.
6. Cleaning companies and choosing between the one who is ANNOYING THE HELL OUT OF ME by responding to a single email inquiry with a text, two emails and a phone call, and the company who doesn’t do windows.
7. The licking, oh my GOD, the licking. It is like Lick City, USA in here all day long, all I hear is licking, everyone is licking all of his own OR HIS NEIGHBOR’S parts, so the dogs are all unpleasantly damp and did I mention I HEAR it all day? Also, Sheldon’s hair all fell out last spring right after we got him and we assumed it was allergies and stress, but it now appears that it was a SEASONAL MOLT. Awesome. Welcome, Garlic Bread. May I offer you a tuft of Sheldon?
8. House and Cuddy, because you know why? I actually LIKE House and Cuddy together. I think it makes sense. I think it’s nice. I AM ENJOYING IT. Except, it’s television, and the plots must be forwarded and audience attention must be held, so you know that they HAVE to break up at some point and I will be sad, so I am PRE-SAD right now because I know that all good Huddy must come to an end.
9. Wrapping up this post.
By Rhy on Feb 28, 2011
YOU BITE YOUR TONGUE. Huddy must last forever! Huddy will never end!
Denial, maybe, but still. Hmph.
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By Steph on Feb 28, 2011
I freaking LOVE your sister’s note. That makes me el-oh-el.
Also, VERY MUCH AGREED on House and Cuddy. I am pre-sad too–love them together.
Hope tomorrow is a little better and more bearable. You are doing great!
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TJ Reply:
March 3rd, 2011 at 8:32 pm
It was just one of many notes sprinkled throughout the whole package. If she can’t be there for it to be opened, she wants to make sure she gets her points in.
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By H on Feb 28, 2011
I’m sorry you have to deal with these annoying things, which I’m sure are annoying, but I can completely relate to The Licking. I’m with our dog pretty much 24 hours a day (I work out of the house) and I simply cannot STAND licking sounds. I can make myself tolerate the Kong licking because I know it is a good thing and it is keeping him occupied, but not the licking of body parts. I can’t tell you how many times I say (loudly) “No penis licking!”
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TJ Reply:
March 3rd, 2011 at 8:32 pm
I get SO MAD when one dog just STANDS THERE and lets the other dog lick his business area. In my house, standing and ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE LICKED is as big of a crime as doing your own licking!
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By Life of a Doctor's Wife on Feb 28, 2011
1. Huddy For Life!
I was totally prepared for House to do a drunk proposal tonight and I cannot tell if I am GLAD or SUPER SAD that he did not.
2. I love that your sister marked the onesie she didn’t like. Sometimes I feel like doing that, too, with multiple things. Like chocolates. Like “I totally did not pick the gross marzipan one with the coconut sprinkles but in order to give you the kona coffee truffle, I had to suck it up.”
3. I am sorry about all the discomfort, really, it sounds rough and you are being very un-whiny about the whole thing. But I am especially sorry about all the licking. Because that has to be one of the worst sounds of all time. ALL TIME.
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By Flaime on Feb 28, 2011
It would appear that Sheldon has something called seasonal allopecia – my basset has it too, only she gets it in the fall.
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By Becky on Feb 28, 2011
I love them together too. And I think they can milk this relationship for quite a while yet, so maybe it won’t happen. Know what I’m sick of, though? Taub, and his dysfunctional self. I alternately feel sorry for him and am totally annoyed by him, and I don’t like it.
The sound of licking. Ick. I don’t have pets (renting is not conducive to pet ownership), but I can about imagine it, and it is terrible, even in my imagination.
I feel like you are completely entitled to tell anyone who asks how you are that you have a pain in your ass. They are the ones that asked. Also, I am sorry about said pain, and about your couch situation. A bad couch is terrible enough on its own. But when that is your “escape” for the evening? It’s like torture!
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TJ Reply:
March 3rd, 2011 at 8:33 pm
I don’t get Taub. I just don’t get him.
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By cindy w on Feb 28, 2011
Re: ass cramp – is it your sciatic nerve? Like, it’s in one cheek/hip & the pain radiates down your whole leg? Because I’ve had that & OMG it is the WORST.
Since you’re on frequent trips to the OB, you might ask if there’s something they can give you for it, since exercising/stretching the cramp out isn’t an option. Maybe some muscle relaxers or something? I seem to recall that some are pregnancy-safe. Good luck, I know it’s awful.
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TJ Reply:
March 3rd, 2011 at 8:34 pm
Luckily I don’t think I’ve experienced the horrors of the sciatic pain yet, knock on wood. It is literally just a cramped up butt cheek, from the awkward ways I position myself during the day.
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By Peggy on Feb 28, 2011
The licking, oh my God, the licking. Why must they (animals in general) do that, and do so for HOURS ON END! And why do the noise have to be so, so…moist! Gah!!
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By Katy on Mar 1, 2011
Gah! My husband and I have the same research problem. I just tried to convince him that I should buy a Nosefrida and some nursing pads so we could take advantage of a $10 off coupon before it expired (10 minutes ago) and get free shipping from Amazon. When I told him the 2 items I had in my cart he asked if I had researched the snot sucker and how it compared to other such devices out there. I said I’d seen a video and it was well reviewed. But because I had not researched OTHER snot suckers to know how they compared he wasn’t down for the purchase. We are paralyzed with a need for information. I feel your pain.
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By Auntie Laurie on Mar 1, 2011
This brought to mind a Sarah Silverman show episode where she licked her dog Doug’s butt to see what all the fuss was about…she then promptly got arrested for animal sexual abuse…hilarious (Season 2, Episode 2, “Joan of Arf”).
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By Katie Mae on Mar 1, 2011
I am so sorry for all of your frustrations! It sounds like you’re dealing really well, considering. Item #7 reminds me of my childhood mutt, Barney, who lived for something like 19 or 20 years. One of my top memories of him is the unceasing licking. Sometimes he was not even licking anything, just…the air. Oh my heck, the sound. I cringe just remembering it!
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By Linnea on Mar 1, 2011
Oh the licking! We just have the one dog, but sometimes in the middle of the night (or day, or anytime we’re enjoying something that might involve having a need to listen to something), Puca will go out to the entry way, lay on the tile, and lick… his paws and the floor and who knows what else. Then the cats hear him, and any one of the three of them will decide that THEY need a bath, and start licking whatever is closest to their little furry faces, which if it happens to be another cat causes a ruckus and then more licking in retaliation and on and on and on…
You are so right…
As for the cleaning company, if you’re going to do this more than once, I’d go with the non-annoying one who doesn’t do windows. For me, the dirty windows would be less aggrivating than having to fend off unwanted calls/e-mails/texts about “Hey, when do you want us to come back?” Unless windows get extra dirty in the Arizona dust…
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TJ Reply:
March 4th, 2011 at 9:43 am
They DO get extra dirty in the dust. EVERYTHING is extra dirty in the dust. The dog nose prints all over the sliding glass door do not do much for the appearance of the house, either.
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By Alex on Mar 1, 2011
The Licking would probably be the last straw for me.
Good luck, TJ!
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By Lady on Mar 1, 2011
I also hate The Licking.
I have one dog who incessantly licks himself and my couch…I have began to hate my couch. I can not wait to replace it with something else. Preferable leather. I am hoping a leather couch would not encourage The Licking.
There is nothing wrong with my current couch so this speaks loudly of my disdain of The Licking. I have considered giving my dog away and replacing him with a female….but I understand that the ladies also are fans of The Licking. And I love my dog. A lot. Despite his Licking Habit.
sigh…..
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TJ Reply:
March 4th, 2011 at 12:56 pm
I REALLY am thinking about leather couches, even though they are TOTALLY not my style, because not only do the dogs LICK the couches, one of them likes to take his snacks and chew toys to the couch. Oh god, it’s tragic. These couches will not be fit for ANYTHING but the dumpster.
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