There is nothing left to say, because I have nothing nice to say.
December 8th, 2010 | by TJ |By, “there is nothing left to say,” I certainly don’t mean that I’ve run out of things to say because HA.
But I mean about pregnancy. I mean, there is just nothing for me to say about it that hasn’t already been said or you don’t already know, because it’s not like the whole process is even remotely new. Everyone on the whole entire Internet is pregnant right now or has been pregnant before and has pretty much covered all of the baby in, baby out basics. So I really don’t have too much to say here about the whole process of being pregnant.
Of course, I’ll tell you when we find out what kind of baby we’re having (human, of course, we’ve already established that) and I assume I’ll get around to letting you know once the baby arrives, but much like wedding planning, I doubt you’re all that interested in the daily ins and outs of gestation.
There are a lot of things I didn’t know or only recently found out about being pregnant, a lot of which some of the lovely ladies on Twitter have been kind enough to share with me, with a suspicious kind of glee. Stuff that no one talks about, not because it’s a huge secret or anything, but because by the time you’re actually holding the baby, all of the strange and horrifying things that happened during the process don’t seem all that important any more. And if you look hard enough, you can find all sorts of articles and blog posts (like this one) that will bring up all of the “no one really tells you this part” stuff, but even the most comprehensive of blog posts can’t cover all of it.
Some of the stuff in that article, I think, is pretty well known – that morning sickness doesn’t just happen in the mornings, for example – but other things wouldn’t even occur to the normal person. And I think that those things aren’t particularly discussed because it’s easy for a woman to assume it’s just something that she is experiencing (friends and family who think it’s funny to trigger nausea, for one thing) and not ever realize that it’s happening to everyone. Combine that with the first point on this list – YOU MUST BE HAPPY – and you have a whole lot of stuff that just goes unsaid.
So I don’t have a lot to say about being pregnant, except for the fact that I am pregnant, and eventually there will be a baby from it, and I guess I will just fall into the category of most other pregnant women ever and not really tell you about all of the strange, uncomfortable, shocking and otherwise weird or unpleasant things that are going on because frankly, you know what? Being pregnant is making me feel like a HUGE ASSHOLE.
Seriously. Skipping over the entire litany of complaints that bring on this feeling, the main feeling coming out of this whole experience so far is one of total assholery. I just feel like a dick, all the time.
I felt like I was being an asshole to Phil when I slept through three entire weeks. I feel like I’m being an asshole to him now when I totally mean to cook dinner, but just can’t stand the idea of standing and dealing with cooking smells when the time comes. Or when I spend half the day in the recliner instead of going to the store because every time I try to get up, it feels like my hips fell out of their sockets and I can’t move my legs without shrieking. OR when I wake him up in the night because I moved my legs and started shrieking!
Then, of course, I feel like an asshole when I eat something that isn’t totally healthy, both because obviously I will have a mutant baby and because I am pretty sure the doctor will give me the hairy eyeball about weight gain. Not that he’s ever given me a hairy eyeball. But he might. Or all the times I choose to drink diet soda over drinking water. And when I think about how next to nothing we have done to prepare for a kid and it won’t even have its own room when it gets here because, eh, babies don’t need whole rooms.
Most of all, though, I spend a lot of my day feeling like a guilty asshole because I really, really hate this. I am not even remotely enjoying being pregnant. I haven’t found anything at all pleasant about it. I am having what I understand to be, so far, a pretty standard pregnancy, and that makes me feel worse. At least if I was having a difficult pregnancy, I could console myself about how much I hate this, but no. It’s pretty average. I just do not like it. I’m never comfortable, nothing fits, and the constant pregnancy rhinitis sneezing plus poor bladder control is no longer funny. One time when we were going to bed, Phil leaned over to kiss me good night and squished my boob with his hand because it was 8″ farther to the left than he thought it would be. I am finding it impossible to laugh stuff like that off, like “oh ho ho, pregnancy! What are you going to do?”
I know people have very difficult pregnancies and I know some people can’t get pregnant at all, and I feel for those people, but only a tiny fraction of my guilt stems from that. I feel like an asshole because my brain is completely incapable of separating the pregnancy from the end goal of baby. Every time I find myself dwelling on how miserable I am or how impossibly far away May seems, a mental panic starts to creep in, like I am wishing doom down on my own head by not being so! freaking! happy! about every aspect of being pregnant. Obviously, if I am not enjoying pregnancy, I don’t really want the baby. Because normal women who love their babies love pregnancy because it brings them babies.
Except, of COURSE I know that’s not true. Going by my oft-cited theory of my own absolute averageness, if I hate being pregnant, it stands to reason that plenty of other women – women who truly want the resultant kid – also hate being pregnant. But for some reason, that idea doesn’t really bring me any relief from feelings of crushing guilt and assholishness. And I think it’s that exact feeling that leads other women – and myself – to keep from sharing all of the details of being pregnant – because somehow, there is a mental connection between complaining and not really wanting the baby that our minds make.
I won’t tell you about my constant pains or sausage fingers because to taint the whole act of gestation with what my mind has decided are just petty complaints might signal to the universe that I am not 100% on board with baby having, which I totally am. Being pregnant, though, if someone told me there was a weird pants-on-the-ground dance that I could do to ensure that this almost-totally-out-of-my-control process goes as planned, I’d do it, no matter how much of a fool I’d look with my pants on the ground. So I think that’s why you never find one real, totally comprehensive source of all of the weird pregnancy phenomena that go on, from the physical to the mental to the behaviors of those around you, because complaining – while a generally unattractive habit – feels especially wrong in this situation.
And if you don’t complain about Symptom A, Feeling B and Interaction C, then I don’t know that you ever had A, B and C and might assume that I’m the only one to experience them. Ever. Or worse – assume that I’m the only one to ever be bothered by them, that other pregnant women aren’t even slightly ruffled and you’re just a pregnancy weenie.
So no one wants to be the weenie, and no one wants to be the ungrateful one, and no one wants to tempt fate, and then by the end you have the baby and none of it feels like a big deal anymore, so even in 2010, there’s a whole lot of pregnant ladies who understand like never before in history exactly what is going on with their body physically and medically, but are still completely in the dark and alone about the isolating experience they’re having.
Basically, everything that is going to be said about pregnancy has already been said, and I have nothing new to add, except for one thing: you might really, really hate it. I mean, truly hate it. But me telling you that won’t really do anything to prepare you for it if that does happen.
By velocibadgergirl on Dec 8, 2010
I’m sorry to hear that things are sucking. I’m sure it won’t help to hear it, but it’s okay to hate it, and no one in their right mind would accuse you of not wanting your baby just because you hate feeling like parasitized ass 24/7.
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TJ Reply:
December 8th, 2010 at 3:14 pm
I can rationally tell myself over and over that it’s ok to not be enjoying this, but you know how lady brains, let alone pregnant lady brains can go. No matter what I “know,” it still just feels awful.
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By Rhy on Dec 8, 2010
Not that it will actually make you feel any better, but you are definitely not the only woman who hates being pregnant. My mother adores babies more than anybody I have ever met, regardless of who the baby belongs to…but as much as she loves babies, she despised being pregnant. She says my siblings and I were worth it, of course, but as she puts it, “I was not a happy pregnant woman”.
So, you are not alone in your pregnancy-disliking, and you’re not an asshole for not liking the whole thing.
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By Nancy P on Dec 8, 2010
well shit, I am so sorry. This reminds me of some crap I went thru after my kids were born but that is another story.
Hang in there, and please don’t feel like you shouldn’t post about the pregnancy.
Hugs to you.
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By Cort (Modern Super Momma) on Dec 8, 2010
You are PERFECTLY NORMAL. Yes, there are moments of pregnancy that I enjoyed – like the first kick. After that it was a pain in my ass…or ribs…or cervix. Pregnancy hurts. Your body loses all sense of comfort for you to sacrifice for fetus. You can’t roll over without waking up and shifting fifty pillows. You want to run to pee, but if you run you pee. You retain water in your earlobes and toehairs. You are starving but then get sick at the thought of whatever your attempting-to-be-nice husband brings for you (even if you just asked for it). You’re NORMAL! PREGNANCY BLOWS! Yes, big picture – you’re growing a kid and la-dee-da.
As for your hubs – your pain is his. Don’t feel like an ass. (Don’t UNLEASH either) I’m sure he’s frustrated because you can’t verbalize all that you want/need, but you don’t KNOW! An alien has taken over your body. The parasite to end all parasites.
Hang in there sister. Enjoy small moments. Enjoy having the license to sleep whenever/wherever/however you want! Take it while you can get it!!
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By Cort (Modern Super Momma) on Dec 8, 2010
…and I totally think you should get the belly-on-ass/feet-on-boobs picture taken.
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By Cherie Beyond on Dec 8, 2010
I hated pregnancy. Hated. I was so relieved when I went into labor because oh-my-god soon I wouldn’t be pregnant any more. I hated gaining weight, I hated dealing with the ever-shrinking wardrobe, I hated cravings, I hated being first nauseous and then hungry all the time, I hated the leg cramps and hip aches and giant boobs. I even hated feeling the baby move around because the reminder that I was sharing my body made me claustrophobic.
And I don’t tell you that to make you feel better or even less alone but to make you feel…normal? And, no, no one ever warned me that I’d hate it. And then when I started telling people I hated it they’d say, “Oh, me too!”
So I think this is a well-kept secret.
On the other hand, I like being a parent enough that I got pregnant a second time. So there’s that.
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By Josefina on Dec 8, 2010
I detested pregnancy. To me, it was embarrassing because I felt like & felt like I *looked* like some kind of breeder animal. One that exists only to get knocked up?
AND. Also detested having an infant. I adore my kids, and adored them–truly–from the moment I knew them, but to me, having an infant is having a strange water-beast that hasn’t gotten used to living on earth in air yet. It’s a huge transitional phase. That I HATED. OH MY GOSH. I really admire the people who can thrive in that situation. Not me. But holy smokes, yeah, totally worth it. If I didn’t have to go through those two parts of it again, I’d totally have more kids.
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Josefina Reply:
December 9th, 2010 at 9:10 am
Can I add that I do NOT think other women look like animals when pregnant? Just me. I am the only one who does (to me), because of my fear of looking like an animal (or Mel Gibson in The Patriot, depending on which day it is).
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By Liz on Dec 8, 2010
And here is where I am a COMPLETE DOWNER: If you think that feeling guilty over the whole “not liking pregnancy = not wanting the kid enough”, just WAIT until you have one of those completely hell days (weeks… months…) as a parent and you get to feel guilty over the whole “not liking being a parent = not wanting/loving your kid enough” guilt.
My first baby was less than 3 weeks old the first time I seriously wished that my area has snowbanks and wolves because I totally wanted to leave her in a snowbank for the wolves.
Boy, was THAT some guilt. But eventually I learned that every parent feels like that once in a while. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. The important thing to do is to just walk away. Give the kid to the spouse, or put them in the crib and let them scream, but just go away for ten minutes. Or an hour. However long it takes for the feeling to fade a little bit. Just enough that you remember that whatever is making you insane is temporary.
(Come to think of it, that might’ve been the thing I hated most about pregnancy. There was no walking away. I couldn’t get a break from being pregnant, not even for ten minutes. Maybe that’s something to hold on to, for later: when the kid is making you crazy, later, you can think to yourself, at least I can take breaks now.)
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TJ Reply:
December 8th, 2010 at 3:05 pm
The no break thing is SUCH a good point. Sometimes I seriously just feel so TRAPPED, not because I don’t want the kid, but I can’t just PULL OVER for a second. It’s not like a suit I can’t take off and there’s an end date in sight, but it’s SO FAR and the idea of this being CONSTANT until then is so overwhelming.
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By cindy w on Dec 8, 2010
Someone once told me that pregnancy is designed to be increasingly miserable as it progresses, in order to make you actually LOOK FORWARD to the physical act of childbirth. You are allowed to whine and be miserable. It doesn’t mean you don’t want the end result. It just means that the process of getting there sucks.
My first pregnancy was horrible. This time it feels slightly less horrible, partially because I’ve done it before, but also because I know this is the LAST time I’m doing this (2 kids is my maximum). But I’m still just about the whiniest pregnant lady you’ve ever met. So, yeah, you’re not alone. Not even close.
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By Ginger on Dec 8, 2010
I loathed pregnancy. And I had, by all accounts, a fairly easy one (minus a hip/sleep thing, but whatever). I totally felt like a pregnancy weenie, but I OWN my hatred. And damn did I want that baby, and damn do I love the kid, but even with how much I love the kid, I still think back on my pregnancy and go “nope, that pretty much sucked”. I think it’s more normal than people let on–your body is no longer your own, there are all these stupid expectations put on you just because you’re pregnant, and there’s grief about diet coke and CHEESE for god’s sake.
Not that that changes anything for you, like you said, but I was pretty vocal about my dislike of being pregnant and continue to be, so just had to chime in.
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By Jenni on Dec 8, 2010
Hating your pregnancy does not mean you won’t love your baby. Five more months, lady. A teeny, tiny fraction of your life, really. You’ll make it, and then you’ll be done. D-O-N-E. You will never have to do it again (unless you want to.) Hang in.
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By Mary K on Dec 8, 2010
I hated it too! The birth was great and I’m excited to do that again, but the pregnancy and the first 3 months outside the womb were rough. I hated it when I was pregnant and people would say “oh isn’t it wonderful! Your hair is wonderful your nails are wonderful your belly is wonderful pregnancy is wonderful!” ohmygoodnessgracious I felt like a beached whale! It’s terrible!
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By Alex on Dec 8, 2010
I just want to give you a big ol’ hug, TJ.
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By Home Sweet Sarah on Dec 8, 2010
Oh, thank you for this post.
I can’t say I hate ALL of being pregnant, but I certainly hate aspects of it. I mostly hate the not being able to drink thing, which I know makes me sound like a giant alcoholic (I’m not! I’m more of a drunk ;-) but that part IS annoying.
I hate when I mention, say on Twitter, that I could really go for a glass of wine, and then I have people who reply, “No wine for you until WAY after the baby’s born…You’ll be breastfeeding you know!” And it’s like, for god’s sakes! I’m already giving this thing 9 months of sharing my body space and making me fat, and yes, I’ll try breastfeeding (mostly because it’s FREE! and has calorie-burning qualities), but I’m not promising to give it 110%. It’s only been 4 months, but I’D ALREADY LIKE MY BODY BACK, THANK YOU.
And you’re right with the suspicious kind of glee thing. It’s like, here are all these people who have kids and seem to love their kids and then have MORE kids, and yet there’s a sort of smug satisfaction some people (honestly, none of those who you linked to and I’m not just saying that to be nice) seem to have when they’re telling you what’s going to happen to YOUR body and YOUR baby and ugh, just leave me alone and let me experience my own experience, you know? Unless you have something other than, “It’s only going to get worse!” to say, I don’t want to hear it.
Anyway, like you, I too have been trying (not succeeding, hah) to pare down my complaint posts and tweets, if only to save myself all the annoying commentary from others.
OH! And you know what would be awesome? If people in my family would stop comparing me to others in my family who are also pregnant right now. I am not them, they are not me, we have all chosen to do things our own way, so let’s just let it be, okay?
And that is all of my long ranty comment. :-)
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TJ Reply:
December 8th, 2010 at 2:55 pm
One, there are kits that allow you to test your breastmilk for alcohol so you can easily pump and dump and have a nice night out and still breastfeed and screw those hippies.
Anyway, out of your long comment, which I am 100% on board with, I want to pick out one infuriating detail – people being SO EAGER to tell you how your life WILL be and what you WILL do and what you will NEVER do again and on and on.
And if you disagree? The condescending laughter, “oh, how cute, the pregnant lady thinks she knows everything already.” Like that whole putting the shopping cart away thing. INFURIATING.
And NOTHING makes people act that way more than being faced with a pregnant woman. Not just “this is how some babies behave,” but “this is how YOU will change and this is what YOU will do and you can go ahead and disagree with me, but I can’t be argued with because I have a kid and you don’t, so you’re stupid and idealistic.”
One of the HARDEST things about pregnancy has been interacting with other people. With advice, and questions, and complaining but not TOO much, and have plans, but not TOO many that people laugh at you for having ideas about how you want to raise your kid and OH MY GOD just let me DO THIS.
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jonniker Reply:
December 8th, 2010 at 7:15 pm
AUGH, this is my BIGGEST PET PEEVE. I would never tell anyone anything bad. I will only tell people good things. So let me tell you this:
1) If it gets bad with an infant, it gets better. Faster than you realize. This does not mean you should cherish every moment (some moments, TEERUST ME, are not meant to be cherished), this just means hey, man, don’t throw yourself off a bridge. It will be okay. It is not going to get worse.
2) WINE. FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS DRINK THE WINE while breastfeeding. Do you know that you don’t have to pump and dump? Breastmilk is like blood alcohol — it gets metabolized, and once you’re no longer drunk (and you’d have to be DRUNK), you can go ahead and breastfeed your baby. And chances are, if you’re around your baby, YOU WILL NOT BE FALLING DOWN DRUNK. I mean, duh. People are so stupid.
Also bear in mind that in order for you to be drunk, your BAC has to be what, .10%? That’s the concentration of alcohol your baby would be drinking. Which is very little, in the grand scheme of things, and again, my God, you will not be carrying around a newborn while WASTED, FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS.
3) Barring something like PPD (which is not something to sit and be terrified over, I swear) It’s never as bad as people like to tell you it is. It isn’t. Even with my challenging, difficult baby, it was still better than people warned me it would be. I was exhausted, I was beat, I was befuddled and confused at times, but I was HAPPY.
It’s FUN. Kids and babies are FUN. Why do people want to gloom and doom your asses? YOU WILL DRINK AGAIN. SLEEP AGAIN. GO OUT AGAIN. Your life isn’t over.
But feel free to bitch as much as you want. That is your RIGHT.
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Ginger Reply:
December 8th, 2010 at 10:24 pm
Every last word of this is so, so, so true.
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-R- Reply:
December 9th, 2010 at 10:12 am
For me, having a newborn was not fun, and I was not happy. It’s ok if you don’t like having a little tiny baby, because like Jonniker said, everything does get better, and it’s not something to be scared of. Everyone gets through it, and you may be one of the people who loves it!
For me, having a little kid is the most fun thing ever, and I am so happy!
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By Capn John on Dec 8, 2010
Feeling vindicated, yet? And no, I’m not being sarcastic; pregnancy sucks and anyone who says otherwise is lying, or they had an abnormally easy pregnancy where they never threw up once, and never needed to change their underwear after sneezing.
Having a baby is awesome, but being pregnant is 8 months of hell (that first month when your body hasn’t realized you’re pregnant is the good month).
Actually, having the baby, the actual act of having the baby, that’s not so good either. Once you get the epidural it’s pretty good for bit, but then it’s time for “BREATHE!” & “PUSH!” and having a baby sucks all over again, but afterward? It’s great.
Okay, it’s not that great immediately afterward, when you’re lying there exhausted and half-naked but beyond caring, and there’s the umbilical cord and the placenta (& the rest) to deal with, but after you’re cleaned up and back in your bed and you’ve got a few more clothes on and your drugs are kicking in and the squeaky clean baby is brought in and he or she is fed and lying asleep on your tummy (or chest)…THEN it’s awesome :)
Then they wake up, or they poop, or they want to borrow the car, and it all goes downhill again.
So for about 10 minutes after they’re born, when they’re cute, and asleep, and still small enough to lie on your chest without crushing you, that’s when it’s all worth it.
Cherish that moment, keep it fresh in your mind, because before you know it your son will poke his head in your bedroom door at 11 o’clock one night saying, “Dad, I…had a bit of an accident. I’m okay, but the car’s a bit banged up.”
Having been a parent for 18 years you’ll have finally developed the patience and wisdom to calmly say “As long as you’re okay, son, that’s all that matters. Now let’s have a look at the car.” And as you climb out of bed your son will say, “Okay, dad…” and he’ll step all the way into your room and hold out the steering wheel.
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By Julie on Dec 8, 2010
Actually, Cap’n John, that isn’t true. I had horrid morning sickness with each of my three kids, got big as a house, and by the end of each pregnancy, I was ready for it to be over, however, I loved being pregnant. Usually I didn’t love it till I could feel the baby moving, but I did enjoy it overall. I am one of the weirdos who didn’t mind strangers rubbing my belly, or wearing maternity clothes. What I think to be true is that everyone is different. I don’t feel morally superior to anyone who doesn’t like being pregnant, it really is just an individual thing.
One other thing you might find TJ is that different people feel differently about the stages of their kids lives, and that is normal too. If I could have only kids who were infants up to about age 5, I would be thrilled. Michael, I think, preferred it when his daughter was a bit older and enjoys her as a teen. I detest teenage angst. My aunt who was a teacher for 30 years prefers like age 8-12. I am only mentioning this so that when you have your baby you don’t feel like an asshole if the infant stage isn’t your thing. It doesn’t mean you love your baby any less if you are not totally loving the sleep, eat, cry phase. I loved it, many don’t. Who really cares what other people think, it’s your pregnancy, your baby, your family. There really is no such thing as “normal”.
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By Ruune on Dec 8, 2010
Not having been pregnant myself I remember watching my sisters and I truly never realised how awful it could be. I mocked my sister whose nesting instinct clashed with her hormones and she elected to host a massive family birthday party when 6 months pregnant and then standing in the kitchen glaring at everyone wanting them to leave.
But it never really hit home until my other sister started telling me how crippled she was by her hormonal emotions – that she found herself unable to go to the shops for fear that she would break down in tears in the dairy aisle and be unable to move. Yet if she stayed home she just resented being trapped so she would go out and the cycle would continue.
And I just felt floored for my brother in law who felt so helpless in the face of that. He was desperate to do something to make it better but at the same time I could see that *he* was guilty for the embarrassment that he sometimes felt when yet again finding himself the companion of an irrational woman in tears for no reason in a public space.
FWIW, it might not make you feel better, but snarking about it will amuse us.
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By Lindsay on Dec 8, 2010
I have always said, if I could keep the baby until about 3 years old and then give them away (because at that age they start talking back and THAT is annoying and then they are teens and ugh) then I would do it. People look at me like I am a total asshole. The same way they looked at me when I said I wasn’t pregnant yet because I like drinking too much (I am not an alcoholic thankyouverymuch). Your allowed to hate it. Some people LOVE rollercoasters, some people hate them. That is life, you are allowed to hate whatever you want, it is YOUR opinion and YOUR life. I hope life gets at least a little better than awful for you until this is all over!
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By Issa on Dec 8, 2010
You are not the first to say it, nor the last, but it’s still okay to say what you want, when you want, how you want. Or not, when you don’t want too.
That made no sense, I’m sure. Basically it was my way of telling you to say whatever you want on your own blog. Fuck whoever doesn’t like it.
For what it’s worth? I loved the first time. Which was possibly a cosmic joke, because she is and always has been my hardest kid. Sorta like it okay the second time. The third was horrendous from beginning to end. Still got an amazing kid out of it.
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By jodifur on Dec 8, 2010
I hated being pregnant. HATED. Did not like one minute of it. I was sick, then on bedrest, then had a high risk pregnancy. I looked like crap and felt even worse.
I love my kid to pieces. Your fine. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty about hating being pregnant. You feel how you feel. It’s fine.
Just email me. I get it.
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By jonniker on Dec 8, 2010
Being pregnant sucks and honestly, it has nothing to do with parenthood. Nothing. NOTHING, Teej. NOTHING.
I hated being pregnant more than you can imagine. I cried the whole time, I yelled a lot, I barfed every day, I felt like an ungrateful douche.
I effing LOVE being a mom. I look at Sam and think, well, I can’t believe YOU came out of THAT.
Her infanthood also kind of blew, but not in the same way. Yes, it was hard. Yes, I was tired. Yes, all that crap everyone warns you about. But also, she was REWARDING sometimes. She was MY BABY and she was cute and she had wee toes and changed every day!
While we’re on the subject of shit people tell you, let me also tell you that all the assfaces who are all, YOU WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN are just that: assfaces. And they are also lying. I sleep all the time now. Lots of sleep! Full nights! Late on the weekends sometimes, even! And my kid’s not even TWO.
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By Cora on Dec 8, 2010
Oh man. I totally feel you on this. I HATED being pregnant. HATED IT. Words cannot describe to you how much I hated it. I was so effing miserable the ENTIRE time. And I felt like a horrible, horrible person because of it. And a lot of people resented the (mild) complaining I did because they couldn’t get pregnant. Or wanted to be pregnant. Or thought that being pregnant meant that you had to be HAPPY! AND! JOYOUS! all the time. And I was just like, no seriously, everyone, I HATE THIS.
But!
My son is 20 months old now and he is FINE and we are FINE and everything is FINE. I don’t hate him and he doesn’t hate me and the universe didn’t smite me with a mutant baby or worse.
So it’s totally okay to hate being pregnant! It’s a weird, difficult process. I think women who enjoy pregnancy are really weird because who would enjoy that? But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And things will get better. It may take a while, but it will. And you’re okay.
I know this is random and I’ve never commented here before, but I felt so miserable and alone when I was pregnant and I want you to know that I’ve been there and it gets better eventually. So I just want to yell, “You’re doing great! It’ll be okay!”
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By Angie on Dec 8, 2010
I love these comments – the “circling the wagons” & the outpouring of support. The interwebz at its best:)
I have been reading your blog for quite a while now & commented only 2 or 3 times – for lots of reasons – but mostly because I was bought up to believe if you have nothing of value to add, stay quiet. I tend to stay quiet a lot…
What I did want to say, however, (value adding or not) is simply that’s it’s your body, your pregnancy and your child. You’ll do, or not. You’ll enjoy or not. You’ll be vocal or not. You’ll plan or not. I imagine you’ll dream, wish and spend a lot of time looking forward…but maybe not. Eventually, whatever powers to be you believe in willing, your own child will contemplate making the same journey. My one piece of unsolicited advice, don’t stop writing about it – even if you never share it with anyone but yourself. You certainly have a gift when it comes to this thing you do & it may turn out to be an interesting read someday :)
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By cakeburnette on Dec 9, 2010
My oldest is almost 14 and I finally feel VALIDATED!!! LOL. I, too, hated pregnancy the first time around with the white-hot hatred of a thousand suns. I was fat, I was hungry, I was nauseated, I couldn’t eat stuff I wanted, my back hurt, I had to pee a LOT, I had some weird pregnancy-lactose-intolerance thing going on the first trimester, he sat on my sciatic nerve a LOT, and I was just generally bitchy. And everyone I knew kept saying, “Oh, I just LOVED being pregnant.” I wish I had known about blogging back then so I could have found a group of folks who hated it as much as I did. Oh, and I still remember how awful it was, which is why we only have 2 (his sister is 15 months younger-yup, that was a big old accident).
But, I love the two of them with all of my heart & soul. So hating pregnancy does not equal bad mom-hood. And my 2nd pregnancy was not nearly as uncomfortable, but since he was such a busy toddler, I didn’t get to enjoy it either. Oh, and the double-shot of female hormones made me even LOVELIER (insert eye-roll) to deal with. My husband still hasn’t recovered from that pregnancy, hee, hee!
I loved the infant stage, but toddler/preschool/elementary school sucked majorly. We’ve been very surprised to find that we are enjoying the middle school years! So, take heart, there will be parts of parenthood that will take your breath away that will outweigh the parts that stink royally.
Hang in there, and vent away–as it was mentioned before, we enjoy hearing about it!
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By Bluetiger on Dec 9, 2010
I have never been pregnant, and most likely never will be pregnant. Not because I absolutely don’t want to, but because I fell in love with a guy with two finished kids and a vasectomy (sp?) in place so.. the way it is.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I started reading your blog because you played WoW (during the BRKWWA-days) and you are one of the few blogs that have migrated from wow-related to everything-related that I still read because I can’t get enough of your writing.
So despite that I have nothing to say about pregnancy, children – well, children below the age of ten anyway, after that I might have some input – marriage, army-life or really anything that you write about, I will still read your blog and enjoy it, because I like you (for your mind ofc) TJ.
So .. yeah… uhm… that’s all.
Hang in there.
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By Swistle on Dec 9, 2010
I think it’s also that no one person HAS all the possible complaints and feelings, so even if someone tried really hard to make a complete list, it wouldn’t work. So then you have to compile data from hundreds and hundreds of women and ACK, who’s going to do THAT?
And then of course for every single negative thing we say about pregnancy we have to write twenty things to head off the inevitable “Some people would LOVE to be miserable like that!!” comments, and that’s just too tiring.
Anyway, yes. I hated pregnancy too. It sucked. I liked about three things total (finding out I was pregnant, feeling some of the kicks, and not feeling like I had to suck my stomach in).
Also, even though “everything’s been said” or whatevs, that’s true of every single thing we could ever possibly say on every possible topic. What makes it different is that it’s YOU saying it. So I vote for saying it, if you’re so inclined.
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By joaaanna on Dec 9, 2010
OK – can I just say that I cried through your entire post and all of the comments. I mean, took-my-glasses-off-put-my-head-in-my-hands-and-SOBBED. Still am…
So I’m BARELY pregnant. Barely a month and a half a long. No morning sickness. No nausea. No suffering weird smells. And I’m terrified. The only symptoms that I have are incredibly sore boobs (omg they hurt really bad), lots of aches and pains and I pretty much hate everyone and everything. Plus – I can’t even confirm with the doctor because my job ended last Friday and I can’t get on my husbands insurance until next week sometime and I’m just a goddamned mess. And since I’m such a raging bitch about everything, I’m terrified that I’m doing something to hurt this kid. I’m terrified that since I don’t have morning sickness there is something terribly wrong. And then I feel awful for the same damn reasons that you do. I’m being selfish. I really want this baby. Oh god this sucks.
But I gotta tell you – your post made me feel not quite so alone. So thank you for that.
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By Rachael on Dec 9, 2010
I think enjoying pregnancy is really 50/50. Half do, half don’t. There were parts I enjoyed, but my 2nd pregnancy was enough for me to know I NEVER want to be pregnant again. If for some reason we ever want more kids, we are adopting because I am DONE.
Don’t feel bad about any of it. You’re pregnant. And if there’s one good thing about being pregnant it’s the 9 month long FREE PASS!
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By Sam on Dec 10, 2010
Pregnancy is uncomfortable, that is just all there is to it. I know I truly was miserable in the last month of so, when I was a giant planet and it was 1,000 degrees of July hotness outside, not to mention it felt like my child was trying to stick his feet right out of my body. And my parents kept making me feel awful because I hadn’t set up my child’s nursery! (Yes, my parents. Yes, I was 27 and married.)
As for Joanna in the comments, don’t worry if you’re not sick. I was never sick (but fairly nauseous for the first few weeks) and it’s just a weird thing – some women are, some women aren’t. I fully accept that my next pregnancy could be completely different!
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By Darnys on Dec 10, 2010
I hated every moment of pregnancy … until my baby was born 9 weeks early. Then I spent the next 3 years feeling guilty that I hadn’t enjoyed what of the pregnancy I had.
Hang in there, it does kind of suck.
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By Danell on Dec 10, 2010
Hated being pregnant. Hay.Ted. I was not even polite enough to keep it to myself, either. I complained loudly and whinily every single day about it. At the beginning, before I was pregnant enough to complain about the tightness and physical discomfort, I was so insane that one day I randomly called my husband at work and told him I didn’t want to stay married and would be gone by the time he got home. Of course, I had changed my mind by dinnertime-and I SWEAR I wasn’t meaning to be an asshole, but yeah…
Once I started showing AT ALL, I spent MANY nights in the bathroom trying not to completely freak right the fuck out because I felt so insanely claustrophobic. I was actually worried that if freaked out too bad that I’d end up locked up with them taking my baby at the end…see? Crazy asshole. That was me…both pregnancies. =)
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