There is just no WAY the internet is going to believe this.
March 4th, 2008 | by TJ |The Redhead: you need to carry, at the very least, a potato gun.
Ok, so, we need to go back to last Wednesday, remember? Remember when the Guy in the Car talked to me and I was like, “Whoa, Guy in Car, what’s up with yelling at me in traffic?”
Remember?
Ok, so we’re all on the same page.
So the next day. Thursday.
So Thursday morning, I got up and was sitting on my bed thinking to myself, “It’s too bad that stuff like yesterday doesn’t happen every day, so I could have a ready made blog post ready to go at all times.” Contrary to how it may seem at times, my day to day life is largely boring and coming up with interesting ways to say “I worked all day and some of the night and some of the weekend and I think I was also working in my sleep” gets a little tedious after a while.
So anyway, up, getting dressed, etc, when I realized I had left a target shopping bag in my car, one that contained, among other things, deodarant, which I, you know, needed, in order to finish getting ready. I threw on a hoodie with my work pants and trotted out to my car, retrieving the deodarant but for some reason leaving the rest of the bag, which contained things that needed to be in my house at some point. Apparently, carrying one single shopping bag of relatively light products is entirely too much for me, and I was probably straining myself more than I should just carrying the deodarant into the house.
By this point, I was mostly ready – quick trip back into my room to apply said deodarant and place it on the bed (where do you keep yours?), make sure I had my keys, mp3 player and building access card, and I was off, running about 10 or 15 minutes early, even.
So tra la la, drive to work, nearly there and I realize – ohhh crap. Still wearing my hoodie. Did I ever take the hoodie off? Did I take the hoodie off, put on some work appropriate shirt, and put the hoodie back on, only I did this in some kind of time warp, or maybe at the same time as an alien invasion and then the Men in Black guys came in and flashed my memory? I peeked down the front of my hoodie to be confronted with my bra. And nothing else. Eeexcellent. So much for running a bit early.
But wait! I left that Target bag in the car and I had purchased a cute pink button down the day before so, for once, my absolute crippling no-good-reason-for-it laziness has paid off! Double score, not ONLY do I have a shirt to put on, neatly avoiding disaster, but I also have something to blog about. I can make leaving for work half-dressed interesting and amusing, right? Sure I can. Totally can.
So I am at a stoplight, now smug in my stunning double victory when I notice the car in the lane next to me has not pulled all the way forward – in fact, there’s a good two car lengths between him and the next car, leaving him directly next to me. And it’s not a car. It’s a white SUV. A strangely, creepily familiar SUV.
No. Freaking. Way.
Oh, yes way. Totally way. Absolutely way. Completely way.
Waving to me, downright joyously, from the next car over, is your friend and mine, Mr. Guy in Car. Now, I’ve waited too long to tell this story, and pretty much laughed through the whole event, in a really uncomfortable manner, so I will only be including the parts of the dialogue I remember.
TJ: *disbelieving laughter*
Guy in Car: Good morning! I think it’s so special the way we keep meeting here in the morning. I’m going to call you Morning Star!
TJ: Oh, heh. (Isn’t that what God called Lucifer?)
Guy in Car: How are you this morning?
TJ: Fine, thanks. (Really freaked out if you want to know the truth!)
Guy in Car: This is so special. I’m going to work, you’re going to work. What’s your name?
TJ: TJ. (I’m an idiot!)
Guy in Car: I’m ________ [something I didn't hear as I was beginning my "Green light green light green light come ON green light!" mantra in my head.] You know, this is special. What’s your number?
TJ: Oh, I… I don’t have a phone right now! (Ok, an awkward lie, but I’ve never been much for thinking on my feet. It’ll do.)
Guy in Car: Wow, this is really great. You look good today. This is great, give me your number.
TJ: I don’t have a phone! (Stick with the lie, stick with it, see it through, you can do it!)
Guy in Car: Well, here, take my number. Maybe I have something for you. Maybe you have something for me. Maybe we can do something for each other.
TJ: Oh, I… I have no paper or pen. (WHO DO I HAVE TO KILL TO GET A GREEN LIGHT AROUND HERE? IS IT THIS GUY? ‘CAUSE I’LL DO IT. I’LL KILL THIS GUY.)
Guy in Car: *starts writing, puts on brakes, EXITS CAR*
TJ: *mental screams of anguish*
Guy in Car: Here, take this. You call me! You give me a call! GIVE ME A CALL.
TJ: *takes paper* Oh ok. Well you better get in your car… (Stick any appendage through this window and draw back a bloody stump, I swear it…)
Guy in Car: *runs back to car* Ok. Well. You call me! Call me, ok!
TJ: Uh huh. *zoooooom*
Came in to work, actually grateful, in some small way, for this encounter. Number in hand, I was able to brandish it at my co-workers and say “Do you see? Do you SEE this ridiculous crap that happens to me?” And I was also glad, I admit, because the very first thing I thought as I was zipping away at the speed of… well, a Toyota Yaris driven by a girl who wants to get the hell away from somewhere in a timely yet safe and considerate manner, was “Oh my GOD the iternet is NOT going to believe this.”
Co-worker helpful contributions:
“Why does that paper look like it has blood on it?”
“You better look out, he’s gonna get your license plate and find you.”
“So, you guys gonna go to a DRIVE IN? … … … Oh, come on guys, that was good! Drive in? You know, because they met in cars? Oh, whatever.”
I obviously need to find a new route to work. My drive to work has become one of crippling paranoia, where I tense up whenever I see anything even remotely resembling a white SUV. White cars, silver SUVs, pick up trucks, anything. Sure, he seemed kind of harmless, but I have a hard time believing anyone willing to one, yell across traffic at a girl they find to be pretty; two, give her a nickname as cheesey/creepy as “Morning Star;” and three, actually exit their vehicle in traffic to deliver a number that was clearly unwanted (Come on. “I don’t have a phone?” Is that not clear enough to you male types?), could ever truly be completely harmless. Especially since he was so insistent that I call.
And… I didn’t.
What if I run into him again and he’s angry I didn’t call? What if the whole back of his SUV is filled up with body parts of WOMEN WHO DIDN’T CALL AND THEN DARED CONTINUE TO APPEAR IN TRAFFIC? What if he talks to me again? Honestly, that’s my biggest fear. I hate when people talk to me. I’m so awkward.
I didn’t call. But – BUT – for those of you who think these things just don’t happen to people, who can’t take my word and quickly shot camera phone pictures as proof – I will let one of you call.
E-mail me to talk about it, I’m serious.
By Bellwether on Mar 4, 2008
That note is very obviously dirty. And everything you wrote he said seems creepy to the tenth power. At the same time, I’m morbidly curious about it all Oo
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By kakalaki on Mar 4, 2008
Have Redhead call him! I’m sure she knows a way to let him down not-so-gently.
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By Maebius on Mar 4, 2008
Second on letting The Redhead call! :)
she seems..er…nice enough? /cackle
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By Lynda on Mar 4, 2008
That’s really creepy. I would say keep your windows up and lock your doors. But I try not to make eye contact in traffic. haha.
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By Arrens on Mar 4, 2008
I third the “Let Redhead call” camp. She’ll either absolutely demolish his oversized traffic-ego or the lady’ll find herself a date. Either way, it’s win-win for you, TJ.
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By Daxenos on Mar 4, 2008
“Hi, is this Collin?”
“My name is not important. I’m glad you gave your phone number to TJ so she could pass it along to me. I’m looking for a select number of people to get in on this ground floor opportunity.”
“No, TJ has other commitments and cannot be a part of this cutting edge business proposition. You, on the other hand, have shown the gumption and nerve that, I believe, to be critical in our future success.”
“Ha ha ha, Collin, good one! No, sadly, in this state, that’s illegal, but over in Montana, you can get a license to do that. No, I can’t tell you over the phone, but I can set up a meeting with you to discuss this unique opportunity.”
“Here’s the address where we can meet. Hmmm? Why, yes, that is the alley behind Sal’s Pizza Place. What? No, I heard the city had cleaned up that part of town, and that Sal’s days of breaking kneecaps are long gone.”
“How astute to notice; yes, I am calling from Springhill Correctional Facility.”
“Hello? Helllloooo? Collin?”
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By haleyhughes on Mar 4, 2008
Accept one of the proposals from the Gnaked Gnome Race so that you can truthfully tell him that you’re already taken?
Or forget truthfulness and just make up a hunky significant other?
Print up an “Up Yours” sign and hang it in your car window?
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By AndyC on Mar 4, 2008
Ok, the guy is creepy, but let’s look at how it could’ve been worse:
1. he could’ve reached for ya
2. he could’ve given you the note on Hello Kitty Stationary
I like the idea of The Redhead calling him, then you could have a joint Redhead/Car Guy post. Either that or let your Sis call him.
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By Fear on Mar 4, 2008
creepy internet people > call creepy rl dude O.o?
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By Rabbit on Mar 4, 2008
oooh…a literature question….(yup its in that post)…and I do love a literature question. Yup Milton in Book 5 of Paradise Lost compares Lucifers ability to deceive and lead people, like a Pied Piper, to the guiding light of the Morning Star (Venus).
What’s this mean for Collin? The boy’s a freakazoid to the 10th degree. He compares you to Satan? AND to the power of Lucifer to lead men astray? He just called you a hussy and a tempetress….that ain’t cute.
And he gave you his number on a dirty (blood-stained?) card?
He is so not a keeper. Duck and weave TJ…duck and weave.
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By Big Fan on Mar 4, 2008
Sorry to be such a nerd but this reminds me of the Simpson’s:
Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you’re not interested?
Marge: Well, honey, when I…
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge, I’ve heard ‘em all. “I like you as a friend.” “I think we should see other people.” “I don’t speak English.” “I’m married to the sea.” “I don’t wanna kill you, but I will.” … Six simple words: I’m not gay, but I’ll learn.
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By Daxenos on Mar 4, 2008
I can do my Mike Tyson voice!
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By Game Dame on Mar 4, 2008
Let Daxenos handle this, TJ. Seriously. This guy is nuts and you should avoid him at all costs. (Not joking.) I’ve been stalked and one of my best friends was stalked too so I’ve seen the signs. Get another route to work, hon.
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By Aryzel on Mar 4, 2008
Next time try the absolute truth, its hard to do (somehow seems to just not be in our nature). But if you say something like “Look, you might be a perfectly nice guy, but this situation is freaking me out, I want you to back off, right now”. It should definitely do the trick, try to resist the natural tendency to just go with the flow and create minimum fuss. Subtely doesn’t work, tell them straight up that they are way out of line.
Alternatively, I’d get some small gps thingy that you could hide in a shoe or something, so if you ever did go missing, your sister could track you down fast. Not that it will happy, but just you know, be safe.
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By AE on Mar 4, 2008
Can u borrow the Redhead’s potato gun?
That might help?
Btw, did u remember to put your shirt on when you got to work?
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By Teh Khol Abides on Mar 4, 2008
Dax has a good idea, as does the “let the Redhead call” camp. Dude’s creepy to the nth degree. There are things that are done and things that are Not Done(tm). Creeping out cute girls in traffic is Not Done(tm). Admire them, smile and wave and move on, these are acceptable.
New route to work and an easily concealable, very sharp blade are highly recommended.
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By Mike on Mar 4, 2008
I don’t suppose you have any friends in law enforcement or who are practicing attorneys?
In your situation, I would be inclined to have some such person make the call on my behalf, with a polite but firm request that Creepy Collin cease and desist from all further attempts at communicating with you.
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By z-man on Mar 4, 2008
Potato gun? TJ needs a tampon cannon.
If the dude comments on how pretty your hair is the next time you see him, DRIVE THRU THE RED LIGHT!
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By Yaja on Mar 4, 2008
Nothing beats first impressions…… except, you know, second impressions that creep you out equally! ;-)
.
Two words: “No Thanks!” Should sum it all up… :-)
.
If you run into him on the street again, “Sorry, I just find this all too creepy, no thanks”… roll up window.
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By Creepy Collin on Mar 4, 2008
Well I was just trying to be nice. You seemed like a nice girl.
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By Kolan on Mar 4, 2008
Throw a Tampon at him TJ!!!
That should give him enough information not to bother you anymore.
Kol
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By vorn on Mar 5, 2008
You need to get a guy to call him stating
“we are calling everyone in TJ’s address book to inform them that they should be tested for a serious STD”.
Inform them that you have been arrested for deliberately and willfully spreading said STD to lots of people and they should front up to their local clinic Asap.
:) see if he bothers you again :)
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By BlueTiger on Mar 5, 2008
1: Redhead Vote here
2: Seriously – what happened with the shirt?
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By Jillian on Mar 5, 2008
Heey! I found your site/blog through sitehoppin! Of all the blogs I clicked through this was the first one where I actually read the whole post. Very funny.
And if it’s OK with you, I’ll be back! :-)
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By Daxenos on Mar 5, 2008
Hmmm, even if TJ doesn’t divulge Collin’s number, it will take me a maximum of 1000 calls to find this guy. I wonder how he’d like to be creeped out…..
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By Xeln on Mar 5, 2008
I got one word for what to do the next time you see him in traffic and he tries to talk… Mace. Trust me, it’ll be funny as hell. Besides, you should have mace anyways. You’re a good lookin girl, and you seem to find the creepiest guys on the planet so better safe than sorry. On the other hand you are mildly accident prone, so you might aim it the wrong way…
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By sonvar on Mar 5, 2008
@bigfan
Lol. I remember those that was great. I could easily see TJ using “I don
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By JEC on Mar 5, 2008
Not to be critical, since I’m fairly spineless myself in awkward situations, but you really should have just said, “I’m not interested, please stop talking to me” from the beginning. Guy who does this kind of stuff is probably used to having his feelings hurt, so in the future just do it and don’t feel bad about it. Especially if there’s something about you that sends a signal to creepy guys that you won’t shut them down.
Saying you don’t have a phone is an obvious fabrication and SHOULD send the signal that you’re not interested, but are trying to let him save face (that, or he’s scaring the hell out of you and he should back off). But it doesn’t work that way for guys like this (or maybe guys in general, I dunno, we ARE dumb as hell). Somewhere in his mind he’s thinking, “She hasn’t told me off, I have a chance.”
The guy may be harmless, or not, but the longer he makes himself believe he’s being encouraged, the more troublesome this situation can get. Finding a new route to work seems like a good idea, albeit annoying…but I’m not sure what this really accomplishes. Either 1) You’re afraid he’s a psycho killer, in which case you probably need to do more than change your route, or 2) You’re just kind of creeped out, in which case changing your route will help you avoid the situation but won’t really resolve it. I think calling the guy (either yourself or by a proxy) and telling him to cut it out is a good idea.
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By Bobo&SgtPork on Mar 5, 2008
RE: men and signals, today’s Non Sequitur
http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/?ref=ql_cmcs
I lol’d :)
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By Jen on Mar 5, 2008
Have you done a reverse phone number look up to see if you can get any dirt on him?
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By lance on Mar 6, 2008
Is that really you Creepy Collin cause if it is I think showing up on her blog is just as creepy as talking in traffic cause that means you googled her.
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By Trackhoof on Mar 7, 2008
@ lance
It’s a troll.
@ TJ
There’s no possible way one could take getting a tampon to the face in a positive light. I think we have our resolution right here.
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By lance on Mar 7, 2008
I kinda figured Track but I had to make mention. Also very true of the Tampon gun is very possible same basic mechanics as a potatoe gun just smaller PVC pipe.
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By lance on Mar 7, 2008
Wait come to think of it the wrapping may catch on fire thus we now have a Flaming Tampon Gun. Someone please make this and post on the Webs, I am currently in South Korea with not a home improvement store in sight.
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