Ok, you guys. Normally I start out TJ’s Cosmo Cliff’s Notes by talking about how busy you all must be, and how I got the idea from the page in the front of Cosmo that tells you all the best parts of the magazine so you don’t have to even bother reading it, and how I decided to take it a step further in case you didn’t even have time to BUY it because you’re all so busy and I appreciate that, but I’VE been busy for MONTHS. And none of you have summed up Cosmo for me.
I’m not complaining, I’m just saying I’ve figured out a lot about where I stand with you, Internet, and how our relationship works.
Anyway! TJ’s Cosmo Cliff’s Notes! I’m making my return with a Kardashian, so I have some really high expectations. I hope we get to talk about butts!
Let’s just dive right in. I fear I might be a bit rusty, but I have Kim Kardashian right here and the cover says she’s going to let me steal the one trait that makes her unstoppable, so once I nab that from her, I should be… well, unstoppable.
Through the magic of the Internet, this seems instant to you, but there was actually a very long pause here while I flipped through about a quarter inch of ads, at least three of which featured Drew Barrymore. I’m not judging. I’m just — is this what she’s doing with her time now? I’m not judging, just noting.
As usual, right up in the front is the page listing 10 Things You’ll Learn in August Cosmo, but I’m not going to read it, because that would be taking the easy way out. I prefer to glean my own lessons from Cosmo after some deep critical reading and thoughtful introspection, and then share them with you.
I am not even shitting you, I am 42 pages in and the content of the magazine has just started. Ask Cosmo! The Ask Cosmo is a special section of the magazine that gives us a glimpse into the lives, culture and day to day problems of women who can send and email to a magazine but can’t figure out how the hell to work Google. I think I’ve been reading Cosmo long enough to have a go at answering these queries!
Q: I love flirting with guys at bars, but my friend always follows me around like a stage-five clinger. How do I let her know she’s messing up my game? (August 2011 Cosmo, pg 42)
A: Clearly your friend doesn’t understand the situation! Explain it to her in simple terms, like this: “Hey, pal. I invited you to hang out at the bar just in case there’s no one better for me to talk to. If there is, I’m not interested in hanging out with you. This is because I’m a huge bitch.” That should solve it!
Q: Does showing my tan lines at work make me seem unprofessional?
A: Depends. Are you a stripper? Then no. Are you anything else at all? Let’s revisit this next month, and bring your entire work wardrobe, because I feel like it needs to go in the trash. Whore.
Ok – What’s Sexy Right Now. I have to give a little disclaimer here – I’m a bit late with this post, so this stuff will ONLY BE SEXY for a few more days. Proceed with caution lest you find yourself extremely unsexy.
Sexy: Carnivals, instant photographs, being friends with your ex, pop up restaurants.
Okay, I don’t know if I’d call those things sexy, but you’ve got about 3 days to go take some Polaroids of a carny. HURRY.
I’m glad the Kim Kardashian article is right up front here, so I can get her trait to make myself unstoppable to get through the rest of this magazine. Reading… reading… reading… got it. Okay, the one trait that makes Kim Kardashian unstoppable is that she tries to learn from her mistakes.
That is not going to help me. I have spell check. Thanks for nothing, KK.
Anyway, apparently her nickname is “Princess Jasmine.” I don’t think anyone calls her Princess Jasmine. Maybe we should just call her T-bone. Get it? GET IT?
Here are the gutsy moves that Justin Timberlake claims will make you have guys “crushing on you” constantly:
- don’t give a crap what people think of you
- tell dirty jokes
- be a chick who can hang out with guys
I’m going to break in here, Internet, and tell you not to do any of those things on a daily basis, but when you visit Justin Timberlake and all his “buds” in their apparent frat house, feel free to put on the act. Damn. Cosmo is like the freshmen on a college men’s swim team. I keep getting older, but it keeps staying the same age. The same, V-shaped age.
Some people have bangs. I don’t really get the point of this page other than that. But if you didn’t know, some people, including some celebrities, sometimes wear bangs in their hair.
“August is when the foxiest trends of the season officially obliterate last year’s obsessions. Here’s all the stuff that’s big… and the topics that are beat.” (August 2011 Cosmo, pg 56)
Categories of FOXY TRENDS include: Most lickable abs, most-hated power source, mappable baby name, and whacked-out Johnny Depp do. If you want to be FOXY instead of BEAT, you’ll know that you want to lick Trevor Donovan and not Kellan Lutz; that you hate nuclear power, not oil; that Morroccan Cannon somehow wins some kind of give-a-shit battle over Egypt Keys-Beatz, and that Jack Sparrow’s dreads are somehow a “foxy trend” over the Mad Hatter’s hair. I don’t even know. I sat here for a good 10 minutes trying to make sense out of this page. I only took a year off. What happened to Cosmo? Is this even in English? I don’t understand what’s going on, and I’m worried and insecure.
The Naughtiest Thing I’ve Ever Done: ”I Exposed My Lying, Cheating, BF!” Cosmo, you’re not charged by the letter. You could have fit the rest of “boyfriend” in there. Anyway, funny story – this article is about a chick who found out a guy she was seeing had a pregnant girlfriend and told the girlfriend all about. YOU GUYS. SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME. Almost. Way back at the start of this blog. Let’s talk about me for a second. This guy’s WIFE called me. In TEARS. Oh man. It was awful. I told her everything. I don’t feel naughty, so I don’t see why this chick does. This article was disappointing in terms of naughtiness.
101 Things About Men! I cannot believe Cosmo has 101 MORE undiscovered things about men.
- He forgets stuff because you’re hot! He can’t help the fact that he can’t be assed to pay attention when you’re talking and remember important details. It’s because you’re so sexy, baby!
- 48% of guys want you to jump them while they’re taking a cool shower on a hot day. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but no 48% of any 100 guys on the street sample group came up with that, Cosmo. It’s not a “move that will make him melt” if YOU come up with a multiple choice question and create all the options yourself.
- Decode his Facebook status: No. Again, every month – he is NOT sending you secret coded messages in his FB status, in the way he hugs you, in which side of his pants he hangs his penis. No secret messages. No.
- 36% of men say they’re more attracted to a woman if she’s using an iPad. In related news, 36% of men want to have sex with you, wait til you fall asleep, and then play with your iPad.
Fun, Fearless Fashion! A furry vest, a skirt with a thigh-high slit, sequined short shorts and black leather leggings? More like Fun, Mirrorless Fashion!
Apparently, the new “it” jeans under $75 are ones with fake rips all up and down the front. Didn’t we already do this when I was in high school? And all our parents were like, “I’M NOT PAYING GOOD MONEY FOR CLOTHES WITH HOLES IN THEM, BY GEORGE!” It’s 2011, right? So we’re on what, a 12 year cycle? People who saved Cosmo for the last 12 years are going to be able to save a shit ton of money on magazines.
In case you need help shopping for jeans, Cosmo has a list of the best ones for you, but you can only fall into ONE of these categories: curvy, short, small butt, or full butt. If you fall into more than one, you have more problems than Cosmo can help you with.
Cosmo wants to help you look GORGEOUS naked, though, even if you are the odd freak that is both short AND curvy AND has a small butt. They suggest shaving your “V-zone” and lighting a candle, you wee Sasquatch. Try lurking in the darkest corners of the room.
I feel like I’m a little out of practice here, guys. Or Cosmo has gotten boring. I’ve already flipped past the “how to do a ponytail” and “hey, it might be a good idea to wear sunscreen!” sections. I’m looking for the “I died/almost died because of a man/skin cancer” story. I always find a valuable lesson in those, but in the mean time, in case you’re wondering, David Beckham is high on the “stud meter” while Arnold Schwarzenegger is low. If you need help in terms of scale, Chad Ochocinco and Levi Johnston fall in the middle.
Please add “stud” to the list with “sexy” and “foxiest trends,” I’m going to put them on a post it and stick it to the dictionary I’m wrapping up to send Cosmo for Christmas.
Did you guys ever wonder what men think of your killer sex moves? Did you ever wonder, but not realize you could walk up to your husband/boyfriend/significant other and say, “Hey, what do you think, on a scale of happy face to sad face with an average face in the middle, of it when I spank your butt with a spatula?” Well, wonder no more, because Cosmo went and asked men for you so you don’t have to use your big girl words! (Sad face on the spatula, by the way, ladies.)
Also sad face: licking his knees, twisting his nipples, asking him to give you a lap dance
Guys are unsure, though, how they feel about it when you lick the roof of their mouth.
You know how there was that big thing about Tiger Moms? Well, far be it for Cosmo to miss a trend, but Cosmo is not interested in moms, because YUCK! So, here’s four times you need to be a TIGER GIRLFRIEND!
1. When he’s blowing his money instead of paying his debts!
- Weird! It says “his” money and “his” debts, yet YOU are supposed to get all tigery about it! I didn’t know that!
2. When his ex friends him on Facebook!
- Control, ladies. This is ALL ABOUT CONTROL. Tiger! Rawr!
3. You’re ready to get married, but he’s not sure.
- WHY IS HE STILL HAVING THOUGHTS OF HIS OWN AT THIS POINT?
4. He can’t stand his job.
- You need to get TOUGH and MAKE him find a new one. Don’t LISTEN to his crap about “bad economy” and “not a lot of jobs available.” CLAWS. *SNICK* *SNICK* (That’s the Wolverine sound effect. I don’t know what tiger claws sound like. I think they’re out by default.)
Oooh, a flow chart! Are You Texting Him to Death?
Let’s see… it’s okay to text to apologize, to discuss something awesome you did at work, to EFFICIENTLY send him evening plans while he is at work, and to text him “good night” IF you are sleeping apart after THREE consecutive nights of sleeping together.
It is NOT okay to text to chat/say what’s up, to remind him to do anything that needs to be done for the benefit of him or both of you (take out trash, pick up dry cleaning, etc), any news not directly related to him, or to tell him he did something wrong and upset you.
He is VERY BUSY and does not have TIME to be your friend/be held responsible for menial tasks/or be made aware that he hurt your feelings. When he is away from you, it is MAN TIME. Not “petty lady issues” time. Don’t make a nuisance of yourself.
There’s an article here about 5 Words That Shut a Bitch/Bully Down, but you can’t fool me. I’ve been on the Internet. It takes more than 5 words. It takes hundreds and hundreds of super earnest words from uninvolved people before a bitch/bully gives up because oh my god shut uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.
Here are some Shameless money saving tips, which we all need, because it’s super embarrassing when other people find out that you’re responsible and conscious of your spending: eat dinner in! Search for art by price! Have you heard of this thing called GROUPON?
Did you know that one of Summer’s Top Sexual Health Hazards is having sex in the sand? I didn’t either! I can’t believe enough people do that that it made the OFFICIAL LIST of TOP summer sexual health hazards! I mean, the TOP ONES. This isn’t ALL the summer sexual health hazards – Cosmo can only fit so many. This is just the TOP ones. And enough idiots have sex in the sand that it ranks! Well, you guys – don’t do that!
This just in 30 years ago: smoking raises your risk of cancer.
Here’s a peek into doing the fall trends YOUR way, if YOUR way includes sitting on an antique dresser in a $400 dress and motorcycle boots or wearing a $500 sequin top with no pants or wearing a completely sheer top with no bra but just keeping your back coyly turned to everyone ever, which it doesn’t so eff this.
I know I say this every month, but you guys. The fashion section. None of this is any good. None of it. You just can’t wear this stuff at all. No. You can’t. There’s no reason for it. There’s just no goddamn earthly reason for any of this. IT’S JUST EGREGIOUS.
Here are two things that Cosmo finds “daring” and “gutsy,” respectively: Cutting your hair short, and decorating your bedroom in a non-standard yet completely detailed and prescribed by Cosmo kind of way. Because everyone knows only long hair is sexy and that expressing yourself through your home decor is for hippies and and teenagers. By bucking these universally held truths, you are a DARING, GUTSY lady, you pixie-cutted clear lamp owner, you!
Hey, something new – Shameless cooking tips! And here I thought only saving money and getting good deals on things was a shameful thing to do. Turns out, Cosmo is also giving us permission to feel no shame about getting the smell of garlic off of our hands or including orange juice in recipes. You don’t have to be ashamed about trying out some Greek influences in your cooking, guys.
WHY DOESN’T COSMO KNOW WHAT WORDS MEAN ANYMORE?
Q: What can I eat to help me de-stress?
A: Well, Cosmo suggests eggs, but I find that everything works. I don’t mean “Hey, pick something – anything – and have a nice snack, and you’ll calm down in no time!” I mean everything. Go into the kitchen, open all the cabinets and fridge, and just go the hell to town. Works for me. Or, at least, the stress is squeezed out by a feeling of shame. And gas. Either way. Effective.
The Cosmo Quiz this month is “ARE YOU GOOD IN BED?,” but since this is TJ’s Cosmo Cliff’s Notes, I’ll stream line it for you. Forget these five questions, I can trim this down to one. Go have sex with the person of your choice and say, “Hey, was that any good?”
BAM. CLIFF’S NOTED.