The semi-triumphant but mostly awkwardly out of practice return of TJ’s Cosmo Cliff’s Notes.

August 2nd, 2011 | by TJ |

Ok, you guys. Normally I start out TJ’s Cosmo Cliff’s Notes by talking about how busy you all must be, and how I got the idea from the page in the front of Cosmo that tells you all the best parts of the magazine so you don’t have to even bother reading it, and how I decided to take it a step further in case you didn’t even have time to BUY it because you’re all so busy and I appreciate that, but I’VE been busy for MONTHS. And none of you have summed up Cosmo for me.

I’m not complaining, I’m just saying I’ve figured out a lot about where I stand with you, Internet, and how our relationship works.

Anyway! TJ’s Cosmo Cliff’s Notes! I’m making my return with a Kardashian, so I have some really high expectations. I hope we get to talk about butts!

Let’s just dive right in. I fear I might be a bit rusty, but I have Kim Kardashian right here and the cover says she’s going to let me steal the one trait that makes her unstoppable, so once I nab that from her, I should be… well, unstoppable.

Through the magic of the Internet, this seems instant to you, but there was actually a very long pause here while I flipped through about a quarter inch of ads, at least three of which featured Drew Barrymore. I’m not judging. I’m just — is this what she’s doing with her time now? I’m not judging, just noting.

As usual, right up in the front is the page listing 10 Things You’ll Learn in August Cosmo, but I’m not going to read it, because that would be taking the easy way out. I prefer to glean my own lessons from Cosmo after some deep critical reading and thoughtful introspection, and then share them with you.

I am not even shitting you, I am 42 pages in and the content of the magazine has just started. Ask Cosmo! The Ask Cosmo is a special section of the magazine that gives us a glimpse into the lives, culture and day to day problems of women who can send and email to a magazine but can’t figure out how the hell to work Google.  I think I’ve been reading Cosmo long enough to have a go at answering these queries!

Q: I love flirting with guys at bars, but my friend always follows me around like a stage-five clinger. How do I let her know she’s messing up my game? (August 2011 Cosmo, pg 42)
A: Clearly your friend doesn’t understand the situation! Explain it to her in simple terms, like this: “Hey, pal. I invited you to hang out at the bar just in case there’s no one better for me to talk to. If there is, I’m not interested in hanging out with you. This is because I’m a huge bitch.” That should solve it!

Q: Does showing my tan lines at work make me seem unprofessional?
A: Depends. Are you a stripper? Then no. Are you anything else at all? Let’s revisit this next month, and bring your entire work wardrobe, because I feel like it needs to go in the trash. Whore.

Ok – What’s Sexy Right Now. I have to give a little disclaimer here – I’m a bit late with this post, so this stuff will ONLY BE SEXY for a few more days. Proceed with caution lest you find yourself extremely unsexy.

Sexy: Carnivals, instant photographs, being friends with your ex, pop up restaurants.

Okay, I don’t know if I’d call those things sexy, but you’ve got about 3 days to go take some Polaroids of a carny. HURRY.

I’m glad the Kim Kardashian article is right up front here, so I can get her trait to make myself unstoppable to get through the rest of this magazine. Reading… reading… reading… got it. Okay, the one trait that makes Kim Kardashian unstoppable is that she tries to learn from her mistakes.

That is not going to help me. I have spell check. Thanks for nothing, KK.

Anyway, apparently her nickname is “Princess Jasmine.” I don’t think anyone calls her Princess Jasmine. Maybe we should just call her T-bone. Get it? GET IT?

Here are the gutsy moves that Justin Timberlake claims will make you have guys “crushing on you” constantly:

- don’t give a crap what people think of you
- tell dirty jokes
- be a chick who can hang out with guys

I’m going to break in here, Internet, and tell you not to do any of those things on a daily basis, but when you visit Justin Timberlake and all his “buds” in their apparent frat house, feel free to put on the act. Damn. Cosmo is like the freshmen on a college men’s swim team. I keep getting older, but it keeps staying the same age. The same, V-shaped age.

Some people have bangs. I don’t really get the point of this page other than that. But if you didn’t know, some people, including some celebrities, sometimes wear bangs in their hair.

“August is when the foxiest trends of the season officially obliterate last year’s obsessions. Here’s all the stuff that’s big… and the topics that are beat.” (August 2011 Cosmo, pg 56)

Categories of FOXY TRENDS include: Most lickable abs, most-hated power source, mappable baby name, and whacked-out Johnny Depp do. If you want to be FOXY instead of BEAT, you’ll know that you want to lick Trevor Donovan and not Kellan Lutz; that you hate nuclear power, not oil; that Morroccan Cannon somehow wins some kind of give-a-shit battle over Egypt Keys-Beatz, and that Jack Sparrow’s dreads are somehow a “foxy trend” over the Mad Hatter’s hair. I don’t even know. I sat here for a good 10 minutes trying to make sense out of this page. I only took a year off. What happened to Cosmo? Is this even in English? I don’t understand what’s going on, and I’m worried and insecure.

The Naughtiest Thing I’ve Ever Done: ”I Exposed My Lying, Cheating, BF!” Cosmo, you’re not charged by the letter. You could have fit the rest of “boyfriend” in there. Anyway, funny story – this article is about a chick who found out a guy she was seeing had a pregnant girlfriend and told the girlfriend all about. YOU GUYS. SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME. Almost. Way back at the start of this blog. Let’s talk about me for a second. This guy’s WIFE called me. In TEARS. Oh man. It was awful. I told her everything. I don’t feel naughty, so I don’t see why this chick does. This article was disappointing in terms of naughtiness.

101 Things About Men! I cannot believe Cosmo has 101 MORE undiscovered things about men.

- He forgets stuff because you’re hot! He can’t help the fact that he can’t be assed to pay attention when you’re talking and remember important details. It’s because you’re so sexy, baby!

- 48% of guys want you to jump them while they’re taking a cool shower on a hot day. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but no 48% of any 100 guys on the street sample group came up with that, Cosmo. It’s not a “move that will make him melt” if YOU come up with a multiple choice question and create all the options yourself.

- Decode his Facebook status: No. Again, every month – he is NOT sending you secret coded messages in his FB status, in the way he hugs you, in which side of his pants he hangs his penis. No secret messages. No.

- 36% of men say they’re more attracted to a woman if she’s using an iPad. In related news, 36% of men want to have sex with you, wait til you fall asleep, and then play with your iPad.

Fun, Fearless Fashion! A furry vest, a skirt with a thigh-high slit, sequined short shorts and black leather leggings? More like Fun, Mirrorless Fashion!

Apparently, the new “it” jeans under $75 are ones with fake rips all up and down the front. Didn’t we already do this when I was in high school? And all our parents were like, “I’M NOT PAYING GOOD MONEY FOR CLOTHES WITH HOLES IN THEM, BY GEORGE!” It’s 2011, right? So we’re on what, a 12 year cycle? People who saved Cosmo for the last 12 years are going to be able to save a shit ton of money on magazines.

In case you need help shopping for jeans, Cosmo has a list of the best ones for you, but you can only fall into ONE of these categories: curvy, short, small butt, or full butt. If you fall into more than one, you have more problems than Cosmo can help you with.

Cosmo wants to help you look GORGEOUS naked, though, even if you are the odd freak that is both short AND curvy AND has a small butt. They suggest shaving your “V-zone” and lighting a candle, you wee Sasquatch. Try lurking in the darkest corners of the room.

I feel like I’m a little out of practice here, guys. Or Cosmo has gotten boring. I’ve already flipped past the “how to do a ponytail” and “hey, it might be a good idea to wear sunscreen!” sections. I’m looking for the “I died/almost died because of a man/skin cancer” story. I always find a valuable lesson in those, but in the mean time, in case you’re wondering, David Beckham is high on the “stud meter” while Arnold Schwarzenegger is low. If you need help in terms of scale, Chad Ochocinco and Levi Johnston fall in the middle.

Please add “stud” to the list with “sexy” and “foxiest trends,” I’m going to put them on a post it and stick it to the dictionary I’m wrapping up to send Cosmo for Christmas.

Did you guys ever wonder what men think of your killer sex moves? Did you ever wonder, but not realize you could walk up to your husband/boyfriend/significant other and say, “Hey, what do you think, on a scale of happy face to sad face with an average face in the middle, of it when I spank your butt with a spatula?” Well, wonder no more, because Cosmo went and asked men for you so you don’t have to use your big girl words! (Sad face on the spatula, by the way, ladies.)

Also sad face: licking his knees, twisting his nipples, asking him to give you a lap dance

Guys are unsure, though, how they feel about it when you lick the roof of their mouth.

You know how there was that big thing about Tiger Moms? Well, far be it for Cosmo to miss a trend, but Cosmo is not interested in moms, because YUCK! So, here’s four times you need to be a TIGER GIRLFRIEND!

1. When he’s blowing his money instead of paying his debts!
- Weird! It says “his” money and “his” debts, yet YOU are supposed to get all tigery about it! I didn’t know that!

2. When his ex friends him on Facebook!
- Control, ladies. This is ALL ABOUT CONTROL. Tiger! Rawr!

3. You’re ready to get married, but he’s not sure.
- WHY IS HE STILL HAVING THOUGHTS OF HIS OWN AT THIS POINT?

4. He can’t stand his job.
- You need to get TOUGH and MAKE him find a new one. Don’t LISTEN to his crap about “bad economy” and “not a lot of jobs available.” CLAWS. *SNICK* *SNICK* (That’s the Wolverine sound effect. I don’t know what tiger claws sound like. I think they’re out by default.)

Oooh, a flow chart! Are You Texting Him to Death?

Let’s see… it’s okay to text to apologize, to discuss something awesome you did at work, to EFFICIENTLY send him evening plans while he is at work, and to text him “good night” IF you are sleeping apart after THREE consecutive nights of sleeping together.

It is NOT okay to text to chat/say what’s up, to remind him to do anything that needs to be done for the benefit of him or both of you (take out trash, pick up dry cleaning, etc), any news not directly related to him, or to tell him he did something wrong and upset you.

He is VERY BUSY and does not have TIME to be your friend/be held responsible for menial tasks/or be made aware that he hurt your feelings. When he is away from you, it is MAN TIME. Not “petty lady issues” time. Don’t make a nuisance of yourself.

There’s an article here about 5 Words That Shut a Bitch/Bully Down, but you can’t fool me. I’ve been on the Internet. It takes more than 5 words. It takes hundreds and hundreds of super earnest words from uninvolved people before a bitch/bully gives up because oh my god shut uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.

Here are some Shameless money saving tips, which we all need, because it’s super embarrassing when other people find out that you’re responsible and conscious of your spending: eat dinner in! Search for art by price! Have you heard of this thing called GROUPON?

Did you know that one of Summer’s Top Sexual Health Hazards is having sex in the sand? I didn’t either! I can’t believe enough people do that that it made the OFFICIAL LIST of TOP summer sexual health hazards! I mean, the TOP ONES. This isn’t ALL the summer sexual health hazards – Cosmo can only fit so many. This is just the TOP ones. And enough idiots have sex in the sand that it ranks! Well, you guys – don’t do that!

This just in 30 years ago: smoking raises your risk of cancer.

Here’s a peek into doing the fall trends YOUR way, if YOUR way includes sitting on an antique dresser in a $400 dress and motorcycle boots or wearing a $500 sequin top with no pants or wearing a completely sheer top with no bra but just keeping your back coyly turned to everyone ever, which it doesn’t so eff this.

I know I say this every month, but you guys. The fashion section. None of this is any good. None of it. You just can’t wear this stuff at all. No. You can’t. There’s no reason for it. There’s just no goddamn earthly reason for any of this. IT’S JUST EGREGIOUS.

Here are two things that Cosmo finds “daring” and “gutsy,” respectively: Cutting your hair short, and decorating your bedroom in a non-standard yet completely detailed and prescribed by Cosmo kind of way. Because everyone knows only long hair is sexy and that expressing yourself through your home decor is for hippies and and teenagers. By bucking these universally held truths, you are a DARING, GUTSY lady, you pixie-cutted clear lamp owner, you!

Hey, something new – Shameless cooking tips! And here I thought only saving money and getting good deals on things was a shameful thing to do. Turns out, Cosmo is also giving us permission to feel no shame about getting the smell of garlic off of our hands or including orange juice in recipes. You don’t have to be ashamed about trying out some Greek influences in your cooking, guys.

WHY DOESN’T COSMO KNOW WHAT WORDS MEAN ANYMORE?

Q: What can I eat to help me de-stress?
A: Well, Cosmo suggests eggs, but I find that everything works. I don’t mean “Hey, pick something – anything – and have a nice snack, and you’ll calm down in no time!” I mean everything. Go into the kitchen, open all the cabinets and fridge, and just go the hell to town. Works for me. Or, at least, the stress is squeezed out by a feeling of shame. And gas. Either way. Effective.

The Cosmo Quiz this month is “ARE YOU GOOD IN BED?,” but since this is TJ’s Cosmo Cliff’s Notes, I’ll stream line it for you. Forget these five questions, I can trim this down to one. Go have sex with the person of your choice and say, “Hey, was that any good?”

BAM. CLIFF’S NOTED.

Old notes:
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010

 

 

 

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52 Responses to “The semi-triumphant but mostly awkwardly out of practice return of TJ’s Cosmo Cliff’s Notes.”

  1. By Andrea on Aug 2, 2011

    Ok. So I was going to comment on some other stuff, then I only made it half way.
    He forgets stuff because I’m sexy? EFF THAT! And even if was really the case (which it is not) get yourself a dayplanner, or a post-it pad or write a note in your phone to remember whatever the hell it is. (
    I have this conversation with my husband on occasion. He manages to remember so much about football, video games maps and maneuvers, work related stuff and other just inane things, remembering something related to me or our household shouldn’t be that hard.

  2. By PinkieBling on Aug 2, 2011

    Holy cats, TJ. THANK YOU for bringing this back. I laughed audibly throughout this post, but “WHY DOESN’T COSMO KNOW WHAT WORDS MEAN ANYMORE?” is my absolute favorite part. Worst chick magazine ever.

    Thank you for helping me snark about Cosmo without having to actually buy or read it. Your sacrifice is noted and appreciated.

  3. By Maura on Aug 2, 2011

    “Try lurking in the darkest corners of the room.”

    I’m dying of laughter. This was great. I don’t think I’ve read the old ones. Thanks for giving me something to do this afternoon!

    Leigh Reply:

    Yeah, that bit killed me. I’m pretty sure my co-workers think I’ve choked to death.

    Hannah Reply:

    I snorted.

  4. By Lara on Aug 2, 2011

    T-BONE!

  5. By Kristina on Aug 2, 2011

    This whole thing was so funny I’m not even sure what to comment on first, so instead I’ll tell you a BF/pregnant chick story.

    I dated a guy through the end of HS/beginning of college that was kind of a loser. When I went away to school I got the suspicion that his best friend’s GF liked him and I would always get uncomfortable when he would go to their house while I was away at school, but everyone told me I was crazy, so I let it go.

    So she comes up pregnant, marries her boyfriend, I ATTEND THE WEDDING, go w/ her to doctor’s appts, etc. We were all friends. Me and him break up in like June (the baby was born the January before) and come September everyone finds out the baby was my boyfriend’s!! No one knew, even though in hindsight the baby looks JUST like him. They got drunk one night (one night I was upset he was over there, imagine that) and had some kind of nasty threesome.

    I want to puke just thinking about it. And now that I’ve way overshared, I’m going to shut up.

  6. By Kate on Aug 2, 2011

    Hah, awesome. Also, now I have to go back and read the beginning of your blog.

    I loved cosmo when I was in my late teens. Why?

  7. By Superjules on Aug 2, 2011

    It’s rare that I ACTUALLY laugh out loud when reading by myself, but “this just in 30 years ago” got me.

  8. By Brie @ Brie Fit on Aug 2, 2011

    Cannot stop snorting.

  9. By Delicia on Aug 2, 2011

    You’ve still got it, baby! And by “it”, I mean the capacity to slog through that tripe and distill it down to the essence of ridiculousness.

    And I think I might have just sexually harassed you but I’m not sure because my work just made us watch a horribly long Conduct In The Workplace video that they broke up into 3 parts because they knew if they kept it all together it would be so mind-numbingly boring that the workers would probably break out into sex right there just to stay awake, which would in fact completely break the time-continuum since we were there to learn how NOT to have sex at work, I think. And I was sort of sneak-reading my nook and not paying attention so all I really got out of it was that if you even think about complimenting someone’s tie that you’re probably sexually harrassing them in your mind and that a headache by itself does not constitute a disability so you can’t call off using the Americans With Disabilities Act as a valid excuse. I call BS.

    Fav part of your post:
    “3. You’re ready to get married, but he’s not sure.
    - WHY IS HE STILL HAVING THOUGHTS OF HIS OWN AT THIS POINT?”

    AHAHAH! Awesome.

  10. By Josefina on Aug 2, 2011

    Superb.

  11. By Brooke on Aug 2, 2011

    Oh that just totally made my day! I starting laughing so hard at “snick snick.” We should compare super hero/creature sounds. My Spiderman goes “fffsht fffsht.” Alrighty, well, I’m off to not text my husband about anything ever.

  12. By Linnea on Aug 2, 2011

    “You wee sasquatch”
    I scared off birds with my sudden out-burst of laughter, and I’m INSIDE!
    Also, thank you for your vocabulary. “Egregious”made me smile.
    And I think I’ll use the TJ-version of the quiz next time.

    Melissa Reply:

    Ahahahaha scared off birds. Best comment ever.

  13. By Jessie on Aug 2, 2011

    Awesome.

  14. By Hannah on Aug 2, 2011

    Oh, these recaps make my day. They never fail to make me snort-laugh.

    What a walking pile of contradictions. Shamelessly save money for a see-thru top, but it costs $500, so you won’t be able to buy a bra to wear with it, unless you shamelessly dine in more often, except then what’s the point of wearing a see-thru top with no bra? Also, while wearing said top, your man will be too distracted by your boobage to remember anything you say, but don’t you dare text him later to remind him because you are a seriously controlling TIGER GIRLFRIEND! I just… it doesn’t… my head is spinning. That “hot/not” list – I’m sorry, I mean “FOXY/BEAT” list – is one of the most mind boggling things I have ever seen. I think I need to lie down.

    WHY DOESN’T COSMO KNOW WHAT WORDS MEAN ANYMORE?

    Natalie Reply:

    High-five for an awesome recap of an awesome recap. Seriously. Don’t leave me hanging.

    Hannah Reply:

    Up top! :)

  15. By Elise on Aug 2, 2011

    I missed this! I’m so glad you’re doing it again (and we should have thought of doing it *for you* while you were busy giving life to the baby this blog is now about… We are shamefaced). Everytime I’m checking out at Target and I see an issue of Cosmo, I think of you. And when the headlines are even more ridiculous than normal, I think of how you would mock it and I chuckle. And then the cashier looks at me strangely. And I don’t. even. care.

    Swistle Reply:

    YES. Every time I see Cosmo in the store, I think of these. EVERY TIME.

  16. By MsMehitable on Aug 2, 2011

    I somehow missed these in your archives. Genius. I was so engrossed I lost track of my child and she emptied the entire bottom drawer of the fridge. Worth it!

  17. By Life of a Doctor's Wife on Aug 2, 2011

    I have the hiccups because I laughed so much and so heartily at this. Out of practice my left toe.

    P.S. I was going to pipe up and say that I thought Coco was a more fitting nickname for KKard, especially if you spell it Koko. But on deeper introspection, I actually think T-Bone works better.

  18. By RockyCat on Aug 2, 2011

    Oh my God this was the BEST. And I’m pretty sure this post had more words in it than the actual August issue of Cosmo …

  19. By Melissa on Aug 2, 2011

    “So we’re on what, a 12 year cycle? People who saved Cosmo for the last 12 years are going to be able to save a shit ton of money on magazines.”

    Love this line. Wish I had an old Cosmo to save a shit ton on.

  20. By nothe on Aug 2, 2011

    I am so happy you’re back to doing this!! I missed cosmo summaries, my husband was terribly amused i was cheering when this popped up in my reader! ;)

  21. By Anne L. on Aug 2, 2011

    “this just in 30 years ago” slayed me.

  22. By LJ on Aug 2, 2011

    LOVE this!!

  23. By Manda on Aug 2, 2011

    Woman, you are brilliant and hilarious and I totally laughed out loud at this:
    “Hey, pal. I invited you to hang out at the bar just in case there’s no one better for me to talk to. If there is, I’m not interested in hanging out with you. This is because I’m a huge bitch.”
    HAA!

  24. By Flame on Aug 2, 2011

    Carnie… sexy? I think the world just imploded.

  25. By Capn John on Aug 2, 2011

    “I am 42 pages in and the content of the magazine has just started.”

    Have you noticed that as the number of pages in a women’s magazine increases, the number of pages with a page number decreases?

    Even in the smaller magazines (~1,000 pages) if you can find more than 20 ‘numbered’ pages you’ve done well. Factoring in that some ads, such as those “special” advertising testimonials, aren’t included in the page count and good luck finding your desired article.

    “Okay, the article is on page 638. Here’s…page…527. So, flip forward. Flip forward. Forward some more and…page 754???

  26. By Swistle on Aug 2, 2011

    Favorite parts:

    1. “I hope we get to talk about butts!”

    2. “I’m not judging. I’m just — is this what she’s doing with her time now?”

    3. “Depends. Are you a stripper? Then no. Are you anything else at all?”

    4. “I don’t think anyone calls her Princess Jasmine.” (Koko would be an EXCELLENT nickname for her! Two K’s, just like in her actual name!)

    5. “I don’t even know. I sat here for a good 10 minutes trying to make sense out of this page.”

    6. “This article was disappointing in terms of naughtiness.”

    7. “If you fall into more than one, you have more problems than Cosmo can help you with.”

    8. “If you need help in terms of scale, Chad Ochocinco and Levi Johnston fall in the middle.”

    9. “WHY IS HE STILL HAVING THOUGHTS OF HIS OWN AT THIS POINT?”

    10. “I can’t believe enough people do that that it made the OFFICIAL LIST of TOP summer sexual health hazards! I mean, the TOP ONES.”

    11. “IT’S JUST EGREGIOUS.”

    12. “Here are two things that Cosmo finds “daring” and “gutsy,” respectively”

    Also, I think they should merge “What’s Sexy Right Now” with “Foxy Trends.”

  27. By EmilysHollow on Aug 2, 2011

    I’m pretty sure I just developed an online girl crush on you. (Take THAT, Penny! I’m here for your mom.) (But you’re still very cute.)

    Also? Yes, I had the phone call from the wife, too. It was … not rad.

  28. By EmilysHollow on Aug 2, 2011

    PS – Did Lane Kim not teach all of us, via her story telling to Rory post honeymoon, that sex a sandy beach is NOTHING but a bad idea? Am I the ONLY one who paid attention?

    Lauren Reply:

    No, you are not. I remember that too!

  29. By Meghan on Aug 2, 2011

    This is in no way out of practice!! You have mo idea how much you just made my day.

  30. By Jessica on Aug 2, 2011

    It’s a good thing pants aren’t required with $500 sequined tops. I won’t be able to afford pants. Plus, it’s so freaking hot out I don’t *want* to wear pants. This is totally going to be my go-to outfit.

    LemonFresh Reply:

    Love this comment. :D

  31. By Danell on Aug 2, 2011

    This makes me want to go get a copy of every other magazine on the shelf and send them to you. All with little post-it notes stuck to them saying “do this one!”
    I’m pretty sure you could make Family Circle hilarious. You’re awesome.

  32. By Erin on Aug 2, 2011

    Absolutely hilarious. How have I not read your blog before? My husband is giving me really weird looks because tears are running down my face with all of this laughing.

  33. By Melissa on Aug 2, 2011

    So much awesome.

    I’d leave a longer comment, but I’ve gotta run – don’t want to miss my Polaroids-of-carnies window.

  34. By Metacognitivethoughts on Aug 2, 2011

    I loved this. Absoulutly loved this. My favorite part was the sad face on the spatula. Second favorite was the post-it note wrapped dictionary Christmas present.

  35. By sam on Aug 2, 2011

    I don’t read Cosmo, but I have in the past when on a plane or something. Or during a pedicure? Yes, that one. So, this was just like reading a Cosmo, except awesome. Really, truly, totally awesome. And I am mostly not high right now. Thank you for your public service.

  36. By ZombiePirate on Aug 3, 2011

    Um, I’m a dude and therefore am confused as to whether I should be worried or celebrate that I do not confirm to the behaviour that Cosmo is telling me is typical for my gender? Afterall, I need texts from my wife to remind me of the jobs as I have a poor memory, also, jumping me in the shower…. I’m in the shower to get clean! Naughty things can wait, unless we’re both in the shower specifically FOR naughty things.

  37. By Carrie B on Aug 3, 2011

    I really missed this, TJ. I even paid money at the store for the Rihanna issue because I was feeling so lost. (Which, by the way, my husband read, and all he could say was “You know the five HOT places to touch him? They only listed four, and they’re ALL ON THE PENIS”. So, touch his penis to get him hot, ladies! Who knew? Wait, didn’t they say that before?)

    I would really like to know how to not make a nuisance of myself while also exercising CONTROL like Tigger on steroids. Do the people who put this magazine together even talk to each other? All I can think of at this point is that scene in “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” when all the article writers are having their little meeting about the stories they’re working on for the next issue of Composure and the one keeps mentioning that hers are “upbeat”. Like it doesn’t matter what you write, as long as you say it positively people will eat that shit up.

  38. By Jess C. on Aug 3, 2011

    Oh my goodness. This part:

    “CLAWS. *SNICK* *SNICK* (That’s the Wolverine sound effect. I don’t know what tiger claws sound like. I think they’re out by default.)”

    had me laughing so hard.

  39. By ProudNerdMom on Aug 3, 2011

    Totally off-topic,

    THIS JUST IN (not even 30 years ago):

    RESEARCH SHOWS HOSPITALS FAIL IN SUPPORT OF BREAST FEEDING

    “. . . And few [US] hospitals — just 4% — have adopted at least nine of the 10 principles spelled out in the Baby-Friendly Hospital Initiative sponsored by the World Health Organization and UNICEF and 9% have adopted no more than two.

    The 10 principles include helping mothers begin breast feeding within an hour of birth and encouraging community support of breast feeding, in addition to having a written policy, “rooming in,” and banning supplementary feedings that are not medically necessary.”

    http://www.medpagetoday.com/OBGYN/Pregnancy/27860

    WHO KNEW?

  40. By ProudNerdMom on Aug 3, 2011

    Oh wait, here’s another groundbreaking result in the same issue of the medical blog:

    “Weight Loss Success Takes More than Willpower”

  41. By Cindyloo on Aug 3, 2011

    So… after 14 years of marriage and 16 years together (and two kids!), hubby get’s home from work today and I tell him, “hey I ordered a couple of bathing suits, tell me which one you like.” I try on number 1, it’s a no go, I try on number 2, next thing I know, hubby and I are kissing, a few moments later hubby pauses, out of the blue, to comment “aren’t you gonna lick the roof of my mouth?”

    So, yep we BOTH read your blog today, TJ!!! And then we were both laughing hysterically together. Thanks for that moment, TJ. It doesn’t get better than that.

  42. By Alex on Aug 6, 2011

    How has it been over a year since you did one of these?! Thanks for bringing it back, TJ! So great.

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