I have not been feeling well recently. Not feeling well, as a lady, comes with a strange side effect that I am pretty sure dudes will never, ever experience. I am also pretty sure dudes do not participate in instigating said side effect, because they either have good sense or, more likely, don’t care.
Anyway, if you are female, and past a certain age, you are no longer allowed to be simply sick to your stomach. Let me demonstrate.
I haven’t felt well for about a week. My stomach has been upset, I hadn’t wanted to eat until yesterday. Food actually mostly sounded pretty disgusting. I was also really tired.
For some reason, if you’re a lady over a certain age, the proper response to that list of symptoms isn’t, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that!” or, “I’ve heard that’s been going around,” or even a simple, “That sucks.”
No, the correct response is, apparently, “ARE YOU PREGNANT?”
And it’s not even a casual question. It’s practically an accusation. You’re immediately on the defensive, and unless you’re willing to whip out facts and figures about your lady cycle and your last sexual encounter and the birth control methods you use, there is nothing you can say that sounds even REMOTELY convincing. Most of the people who say it act like they have caught you at something and will view you with vague suspicion for the next 9 months. In fact, I am pretty sure that if I do eventually end up producing a child some time in the future, I will hear at least 18 rounds of, “I KNEW IT! You said you were sick that time in the summer of 2010. I KNEW IT!”
I don’t get it. I don’t get why you’d say that. I mean yes, I understand that an upset stomach and fatigue can both be signs and symptoms of early pregnancy. They can also be indicators that your fiance is a plague monkey. Or that you had some bad cheese.
Also, haven’t we all established that you never ask if a woman is pregnant unless you can literally see a child emerging at that moment? I mean, better safe than sorry, right?
Also ALSO, if a woman was pregnant, would “I am pretty sure the banana I just ate is about to reappear” really be the best, most charming and most suitable way of sharing the news? Seriously? “Guess what everybody! I’ve doubled over with nausea and stomach cramps! Hooray!”
Thinking about that, though, got me thinking about something that middle school boys and clueless men in movies say: “Oh, you’re just mad because you’re on your period!”
Now, it’s been about 800 years since I’ve actually heard anyone use that line outside of a Jack Black movie, where Jack Black plays the hopeless goofball with no idea how to interact with women who is suddenly taught how to be a gentleman by a lady to win a bet and is set up with another lady while the first lady realizes that she has loved him all along. HowEVer, thinking about that like made me think of another thing I hate.
If I’m mad about something, just about the worst thing I think someone can say is, “You’re just mad because…” and then give some reason that, if it did not exist, I would not actually be mad, thus indicating that my righteous fury is actually not really all that justified.
Like, say you said something rude to me, and I got angry, and you responded, “You’re just mad because that kid in third grade said the same thing to you and you never got over it.” One, that doesn’t mean I’m not mad. Two, if you KNEW that, why would you even say it to begin with? AND THREE, do you REALLY think that my response to that would be, “Oh, you’re right! I guess I’m actually not mad at all!”
BECAUSE I WOULD STILL BE MAD.
In fact, I would be madder. If I am mad, and you say to me any phrase that starts with, “You’re just mad because…,” I will grow huge and red and huger and redder until I eventually explode into a billion tiny pieces of glass that will cut you all over and then I will make the sky rain lemon juice, that is how much I hate that phrase.
It doesn’t even make SENSE. Say you broke one of my lamps and I was mad at you because you were kind of careless. And you said to me, “You’re just mad because you loved that lamp.” DO YOU SEE? DO you SEE how ridiculous, “You’re just mad because…” really is? It’s rude, clueless and… and… SMUGLY ARROGANT, all rolled into one. Not just smug. Not just arrogant. SMUGLY ARROGANT.
Don’t TELL ME why I’m mad like your brilliant insight into my emotions is going to defuse the situations. THAT is how people get lemon-rained on. THAT IS HOW.
Anyway, Internet, what incredibly insensitive and/or ridiculously rude phrase will automatically set your blood boiling?