The Making of a Phlunch
April 19th, 2010 | by TJ |As I’ve mentioned here a couple of times, four days a week, I make Phil a breakfast/lunch, or, as I have taken to calling it on Facebook – a Phlunch.
Monday through Thursday, while he goes to his morning exercise, I eventually roll out of bed and put together a combination breakfast and lunch to get him through the day. On Fridays, he doesn’t have morning exercise, so instead of coming home to shower around 8:15, he is just gone for the day before 7am. Since I am not equipped with the necessary morning skills required to create a Phlunch before 7:40am (the precise time that Phlunch creation begins each morning), he goes Phlunchless on Fridays.
But today is not Friday, it is Monday, which means it’s a Phlunch day. So, in case anything should ever happen to me, I will instruct you in the creation of a Phlunch, so that one of you can step up into my Phlunch-making roll to ensure that the Primary Objective remains met.
Just so we’re clear, though: If something happens to me, you can step up in my place, but for PHLUNCH MAKING ONLY. Any other roles that I may or may not have fulfilled in Phil’s life will remain empty. DO YOU UNDERSTAND, INTERNET?
Anyway! Let’s talk about the Primary Objective that makes a Phlunch a Phlunch. When making a Phlunch, your main goal is to assure that Phil does not go to the snack bar at work. This is not as easy as it sounds. Those of you who are familiar with making lunches for kids or yourself or other adults may be used to the standard sandwich, fruit, snack, dessert combination that makes up most lunch time meals. However, this is not a kid or you or a normal adult that we are dealing with. This is Phil. And a normal lunch won’t work. He needs a Phlunch.
Left to his own devices, Phil will eat all day long. He doesn’t eat a TON of food, but he eats SOME food, a LOT of times. While a normal packed lunch works for lunch time, I have learned over the last year that packing a normal lunch for him to eat at lunch time will lead to either snack bar visits or a trip out for an entire second lunch, as his first lunch would be gone long before lunch time rolled around. I eventually figured out that Phil tends to eat SOMETHING about every hour or hour and a half. If he is faced with a normal lunch to eat a lunch time, he either eats pieces of it every 90 minutes, running out well before the end of the day, or he eats from the snack bar in the morning and afternoon to supplement his lunch.
So, that is how the Phlunch came to be. It’s breakfast and lunch, packed together. Or, more descriptively, it’s some morning food and some afternoon food, but nothing too big, so that he can eat pieces of his Phlunch throughout the entire day without running out of food OR stuffing himself.
It’s a delicate balance, the Phlunch.
Here is how I make them.
I always start with his sandwich first so that I know when I’ve put too much peanut butter into the Phlunch. Sometimes he gets peanut butter & jelly, and I like to cut it into dinosaur shapes. Today, though, he is having turkey, which doesn’t lend itself AS well to dinosauring. It’s important to cut the sandwich into two pieces regardless, though, so that he doesn’t feel he needs to eat the whole sandwich at once. He gets really busy at work, which I believe leads to a lot of mindless eating while doing other things. Making sure he has two pieces of sandwich ensures that if he only wants half, he’ll only eat half. Phil and I both suffer from “eating it because it’s THERE” syndrome, so I try to make this a little easier on him.
I have been informed that one particular variety of crackers in this cracker variety pack is THE BEST THING EVER. The rest of the flavors are also VERY GOOD. I don’t remember which kind Phil said are THE BEST THING EVER, so, as per usual, I will just work my way across the top layer and then the bottom layer so that he doesn’t have to eat the same crackers two days in a row, because I’m really considerate like that. I don’t know what any of these crackers taste like, because I tend to leave the prepackaged things like this specifically for his lunches. It’s not that I’m anti-cracker. It’s just that it’s way easier for me, at home, to eat things out of boxes by the fistful. Packages work best for Phlunches.
Yes. Toast ‘em Pop-Ups. Do you want to make something of it? Say what you will, Pop-Tart enthusiasts, but Toast ‘em Pop-Ups are composed of a superior crust, coated with a superior icing and filled with a superior goo than Pop-Tarts. I will defend that point until it is no longer convenient for me to do so. Now, you may think this is silly, but even though the Phlunch is going to travel to work before it gets eaten, I always put his Toast ‘em Pop-Up into the toaster oven before I pack it. This requires careful timing, of course. I try to make it so that it comes out of the toaster oven just before he gets home, so it has a shot at maybe still being warm by the time he eats it. On top of that, though, a toasted Toast ‘em Pop-Up, cold or not, is just better than an untoasted Toast ‘em Pop-Up. Phil told me that he actually couldn’t remember ever bothering toasting one for himself before eating it. To be honest, since well before college, I couldn’t really remember toasting one for myself, either. That’s a shame, because Toast ‘em Pop-Ups do not reach maximum deliciousness until toasted, and I do not send Phil out of the house with a raw Toast ‘em Pop-Up.
See, this is why I have to make the sandwich first. If I had made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I wouldn’t also make an apple with peanut butter as a snack. Instead, I probably would have made him a couple of turkey rolls or a ham ball. Anyway, Phil told me that before I made one for him, he had never had an apple with peanut butter. I was skeptical, but had no reason to doubt him. Yesterday, in the grocery store, though, he told me that he didn’t think he had ever had celery with peanut butter. UNPOSSIBLE. Phil does not actually remember much of his childhood at all before his mid to later teens, so I’m willing to accept that maybe he didn’t have celery with peanut butter after the age of 14 or so but I will not believe he has not ever been exposed to celery and peanut butter because COME ON, PHIL. PULL MY OTHER LEG. Regardless, hes getting celery and peanut butter tomorrow.
Phil picked up two packages of these Yoplait Delights for me on Awlbiste’s recommendation. They are quite good, and only 100 calories. By “they,” I mean the one I actually ate. Even though I really liked the one I had, again, I usually try to keep this stuff for Phlunches, because it works so well for them. We picked up three MORE packages yesterday, though, including a lemon one that I saw someone claim was delicious, so hopefully I will be able to convince myself to try a couple of different ones. He really likes them, though, enough that he was the one to toss three more packages into the cart yesterday, so they’ll likely stay his thing.
I don’t know why Phil always chooses Cheerios when there’s so many other options out there, like Corn Pops and Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Golden Grahams available, but whatever. It’s his Phlunch. For some reason, I have not once bought sandwich bags since we moved in here, so he usually gets a plastic wrapped ball of Cheerios. Now that I’m taking a second to think about it, I’m not sure how he gets them out of there without making a mess. Whatever. I’m responsible for Phlunch assembly, not usability. He hasn’t complained of any kind of Cheerio-related disaster, so until such a disaster occurs, I will continue to assume that the Cheerio Ball is a viable method of Cheerio delivery.
Tiny carrots and french onion dip. It’s not that I think that Phil requires some kind of carrot cover up to eat his vegetables, it’s just that when you make a Phlunch, you don’t think in terms of a lunch as a whole. You’ve got to think on an individual snack level basis. I just think that tiny carrots are a boring snack, and I don’t like to think of Phil going over to his Phlunch for a snack and being faced with boring old carrots. So, in a separate container, I included a little bit of french onion dip. It’s OPTIONAL. He doesn’t HAVE to eat it. I just like knowing that he has it. Just in case. Think about it. Imagine Phil, at work, with plain, sad tiny carrots. Making a sad face at them. Because they’re so sad. See? You’d put in the french onion dip, too.
This is two eggs.
This is one of our one million cheese. If you were to take our grocery shopping bills and figure out what percentage of our total budget goes to each kind of food, cheese would top everything else by at least double.
This is two eggs WITH cheese.
This is the face Phil made when he found out he had to eat eggs. THEY WERE ABOUT TO GO BAD, PHIL.
Doritos. I don’t like these Doritos. He does, though. You see how that works out for a Phlunch?
This is what a Phlunch looks like when it’s all put together. Sometimes it fits in one container and sometimes it doesn’t. One of the benefits that comes with having a Phil over having a toddler or other small child is that he always remembers to bring home all of his containers. Unfortunately, he mostly sets them next to the sink in a plastic bag and doesn’t say anything about it, so when I go to make his Phlunch the next morning, there’s nothing to put it in. On those days, he just gets plain, sad tiny carrots.
After I’ve stuffed everything into the boxes, I close them up and put them on the edge of the counter so he doesn’t forget them. Don’t worry, I didn’t tape sappy love notes to the top of his lunch, exposing him to the taunting and torment of his friends and co-workers. They’re just notes so that he knows what is in each box without having to dig everything out. Which, probably, is just as bad. But like I said, I’m just responsible for Phlunch assembly. What happens once it leaves my kitchen is none of my concern.
And that is how you make a Phlunch.
By Kailen on Apr 19, 2010
I wish I had the time / level of caring required to make a lunch like that, even if just for myself. Usually I just toss a yogurt, granola bar, sandwich, and maybe a pudding cup into and old starbuck’s bag and I’m good to go. I also keep my appetite at bay during the work day with a big gulp of dr. pepper, or a can of diet dr. pepper (far superior) that I bring from home.
Also, I work in a pharmacy, so unless it’s REALLY SLOW it’s hard to say “well, I’ve been here 6 hours already, maybe I should stop and eat”. I feel bad doing that.
I am sorry for writing such a long response, because oh my god, when did I get so long winded?
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TJ Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 12:29 pm
When you get in the habit of thinking in Phlunch terms, it’s really not that hard! Even the days I make a breakfast quesadilla for him aren’t that time consuming.
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By Tami on Apr 19, 2010
What a delightful, thoughtful, and considerate lunch! =]
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TJ Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 12:32 pm
He better think the SAME THING if he knows what’s good for him and the future of his Phlunches!
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By Melissa on Apr 19, 2010
I read that as Toast ‘em Up Pops every single time. I could SEE that the words were not actually in that order, but my brain refused to process them the other way. I think I like Toast ‘em Up Pops better.
I have also never had celery with peanut butter because celery = ewwwwwwwwwwwww. Once at the babysitter, it was snack time and I didn’t want a snack, but was forced to choose a healthy snack anyway. Carrots or celery. She said I could put PB on the celery if I wanted, but I still picked the carrots – lesser of two evils, even when you factor in the peanut butter.
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TJ Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 12:33 pm
Heh. Up Pops. I probably won’t be able to think of them any other way again.
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By Robert Oriol on Apr 19, 2010
I can tell you with certainty that among Phil’s first words were “Fink Zappa”" and “bong”.
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TJ Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 12:35 pm
Phil just texted me to say that he hopes those weren’t his first words and refuses to believe it.. Since he can’t seem to remember anything at all pre-1990 and only extremely selective things before 2000, I refuse to take HIS word for it.
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Robert Oriol Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 1:45 pm
I have witnesses.
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By kelektra on Apr 19, 2010
I, too, have never eaten apples with peanut butter. I`m sorry, it just doesn`t sound tasty.
I do, however, like to eat cheesewhiz and peanut butter on saltine crackers. Or toast. Cheesewhiz and peanut butter toast sandwiches are awesome.
Also, I`m still VERY upset that we can`t get those Yoplait Delights up here, becasue a lot of the flavours look awesome!
All in all that looks like a fantastic PHLUNCH. I`m jealous!
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TJ Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 12:36 pm
Well, a lot of things don’t SOUND tasty but turn out to be anyway. Except for cheese and peanut butter because COME ON.
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By Reddirt on Apr 19, 2010
Lunch assembly is an artform and I am impressed at the level which you have attained.
Phil is very lucky. Not because he has such an artisan crafting his midday meal, but because his name lends so well to combining.
I attempted this on my own name and all I got was GRUNCH; which sounds like an accident at the gym that would necessitate the replacement of a yoga mat.
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kelektra Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 11:58 am
I burst out laughing at GRUNCH. That`s awesome.
Though, technically, using my name, it`d be KRUNCH, so, same descriptors apply, I suppose.
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Awlbiste Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 12:05 pm
No no no. No. GRUNCH is an AWESOME word. I am going to figure out how to incorporate that to everyday speech. GRUNCH.
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TJ Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 12:37 pm
I spent way too long trying to remember whether or not GRUNCH is a real world. I eventually concluded that I was thinking of a combination of “grinch” and “grouch.”
Which could also describe me.
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By Wendy on Apr 19, 2010
That is an impressive assembly of food right there. Well done (and very loving of you).
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TJ Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 12:39 pm
Aw, thank you. I think seeing it all together looks impressive. It’s pretty easy to toss together in the morning.
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By Awlbiste on Apr 19, 2010
Oh man, I have totally had a small hand in a Phlunch. Those yogurts are amazing, I’ve tried 3 types so far but my favorite is the one pictured (Chocolate and Raspberry).
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TJ Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 12:40 pm
I think I had one of the berry ones. He really likes them a lot. I want to try one of the lemon ones he grabbed, but who knows if they’ll get Phlunched up before I get a chance.
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kelektra Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 12:42 pm
Love how Phlunch can be a noun and a verb!
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By Carrie on Apr 19, 2010
Daaaaaaang. That is an impressive lunch, I see why it gets its own name! My lunch is a Slim Fast (chocolate, of course) and two Quaker granola bars (Chocolate Chip and Peanut Butter, with PROTEIN). I keep the granola bars at my desk in case I get the munchies. It works.
But seriously, the people Phil works with HAVE to be jealous of his Phlunches. They’re amazing!
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TJ Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 12:41 pm
How is Slim Fast working for you? I like the chocolate powder, but changes of plans and weekends and stuff keep messing it up!
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Carrie Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 4:20 pm
It’s pretty recent, so I haven’t seen much change yet. I do the ones already in a can, which is really not that bad taste-wise. They recently changed the formula or something, and it’s a lot better now than it used to be! I like the cans though, I just grab one and stick it in the fridge at work for lunchtime. If I had to do the powder thing, it definitely wouldn’t happen. I am way too lazy!
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By Delicia on Apr 19, 2010
Wow.. I admit I was dying of curiosity when you had posted pics of Phlunch’s before to know what all that stuff was.. now I know!
I must say you put SO much thought and effort into this, I’m really impressed and Phil is a lucky guy. Especially getting up early in the morning to do it.
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TJ Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 12:44 pm
Actually, by 7:40, I’ve usually be awake for about an hour. Not to, you know, brag about it or anything. I just don’t want to take credit for getting up early – since we go to bed at 9pm, anything past 6:30 isn’t that early for us!
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By Chaninn on Apr 19, 2010
Amazing Phlunch. I’m gonna check for the Yoplait Delights next time I go shopping, they look yummy.
I wish I had the energy or enthusiasm to make my & hubby’s lunches. I don’t like packing something for later if it doesn’t sound good when I’m doing the packing. And if it does sound good, I usually have it for breakfast.(did that make sense?)
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TJ Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 1:53 pm
Sometimes I eat the leftovers from his lunch for breakfast.
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By Capn John on Apr 19, 2010
Has Phil had celery with cream cheese? Either plain ol’ Philly Cream Cheese or one of the Savory flavors. I doubt Blueberry or Strawberry Cream Cheese would go so well with Celery…although the Honey-Nut Cream Cheese I’ve been consuming lately might work.
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Adlib Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 1:36 pm
Honey-nut cream cheese–OM NOM NOM! That is the best stuff ever. Just, wow. All kinds of goodness.
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TJ Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 1:53 pm
I didn’t even think of doing celery with cream cheese, which is an awesome idea, because now I can do a peanut butter apple AND celery with cream cheese in the same Phlunch.
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By Lindsay on Apr 19, 2010
Wow, you really like your significant other! My other wakes up WAY too early so he makes his own whatever (definitly NOT what I would consider a lunch). I do get to empty the lunch box at the end of the day though and often realize he has had three cans of pop and 4 pouches of fruit snacks for whatever his food intake is called. This makes me feel bad for roughly 30 seconds.
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By Adlib on Apr 19, 2010
Phil is definitely lucky to have a Phlunch. I am jealous! So much variety!
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By Lauren Bates on Apr 19, 2010
The Lemon ones are delicious!!!! See, I even capitalized Lemon to emphasize their deliciousness. So hide them for yourself!!!!!
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By Zoei on Apr 19, 2010
When you’re done with your Phlunching preparation, can you please come over (bring food) and make my… Munch? Malunch? Yeah, doesn’t really work for me either. Damn.
I’ve never had apples with peanut butter. Apples with cheese, yes indeedy, but not peanut butter. I’ll be testing that now. Back in a few!
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Zoei Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 2:34 pm
Peanut butter and apples aren’t for me. But then again, I don’t particularly like the PB I have on hand right now… Further tests required.
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By Superjules on Apr 19, 2010
I pack a little bag of snacks to take to school with me but it PALES IN COMPARISON to the Phlunch.
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By Rachelle on Apr 19, 2010
When I was little, my Grandma always got up before dawn with my Grandpa, and made his lunch while he got ready for work.
When my husband and I moved in together (8 years before we got married), and he started talking about how he wanted to start taking food with him rather than buying it, I automatically started getting up at dawn with my hubby, meandering blearily around the kitchen assembling sandwiches and snacks and whatnot, then returning to bed for an hour of sleep before I had to get up to go to work.
I endured a lot of ribbing over this habit; half my friends thought I was a total slave for getting out of bed at dawn to make lunch, and half of them thought I was a slave AND totally retarded for not making it the night before.
Really, who the hell wants to eat a sandwich that was made the night before?
I couldn’t get away with the cheerio ball, though; my husband generally eats his lunch whlie behind the wheel moving from one jobsite to another; free-wheeling cheerios probably aren’t that easy to eat on the go…
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By Jerseygirl on Apr 19, 2010
Wow, you are a good woman. I can never, ever, let my husband see this.
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By Jen_Ann_W on Apr 19, 2010
This motivates me to get my ass out of bed & make better lunches for Brian. Poor guy is lucky if he remembers to grab an apple on his way out the door!
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By Evie on Apr 19, 2010
You’re making the rest of us look bad!
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By brien on Apr 20, 2010
Do you think I could steal you away for Phlunch making? Just so we’re clear, I would only need you for Phlunch making. Any roles my loving wife currently fills would remain occupied.
I guess we’d have to rename it though, right? Maybe a Brunch? I don’t think that term’s been taken yet.
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By ysabelkid on Apr 21, 2010
Luckily for me, MadCat leaves for work at 5am and doesn’t expect me to haul my lazy ass out of bed an hour earlier (mornings are not my thing). He’s also a big fan of the fruit diet when at work, so it’s pretty easy to pack a few items for him the night before.
I need a Phlunch package for myself, though. It’d stop me from going to the snack bar, that’s for sure.
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By Jessica on Apr 21, 2010
I just made the mistake of showing this to my husband who said, “Well, good to see SOME women care so much about their men”…The man is just so damn picky about things. He hates fruit doesn’t like to eat breakfast, complains he doesn’t have time to stop and eat or room in the fridge at work (?)so I gave up. Swing by a damn McDonalds then. Hhe is 6ft and 150 lbs by the way, so a phlunch would probably do his body good.
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By megan on Apr 22, 2010
Mmmmmm. I would like a Phlunch for myself. I don’t suppose you would come over and make one for me? Yeah, didn’t think so. But thanks for the good ideas…I’ll be incorporating them into my Meglunch/Megalunch/MUNCH. Ha.
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