The cats: A thoughtful ranking

Hello, Internet.

Today I will tell you about the four cats that I live with. As I feel that it is the most fair and efficient way of going about it, I shall rank them in order, from least favorite to favorite.

The Cats
a qualitative ranking, by TJ

TIED FOR LAST: Spaz, Love and Sylvia

Spaz: Spaz is a goddamned thug. She’s like a gigantic barn cat, only seventeen times more crafty. She is fat, and she is heavy, and she is always darting out the backdoor to eat grass. Speed isn’t her strong point, though. No, no. It’s stealth. STEALTH. LIKE A ROGUE. HENCE MY HATE. When someone walks towards the backdoor, Spaz circles around past them, behind the cabinet next to the television, and positions herself between the cabinet and the TV. LIKE I CAN’T SEE YOU THERE, CAT. Then, as I slide the glass door open, out she darts. Right between my damn feet, like being outsmarted by a cat wasn’t humiliating enough. Then I have to hope she hasn’t stuffed herself under the grill and give myself a hernia picking her up to pitch her back in the house, hoping the whole while another cat doesn’t make a break for it, since I”ve had to leave the sliding door open, because supporting a Spaz with one hand is so not happening. How can a cat be smart enough to turn herself into dead weight? I DON’T KNOW, INTERNET.

Love: I’m surprised Love even comes near me anymore. She’s the one that Spaz sends into our room at 4 in the morning when the cats have no food (yes, Spaz sends her. Don’t ask how I know. I just know). She gets up on the bed and she meows. And she meows. And she meows. Then, when that doesn’t work, if I have yet to sleepily attempt to pitch her through a wall (hey, don’t sneak up on someone when they’re dead asleep, ok?), she sits right next to my face and reaches out to pat it with juuuuust the very tip of one claw extended. If she’s poked me enough, and violently shoving her away hasn’t worked, she forces me to lay there and say “Caaaat…. Caaaaaaaaaaat…. CAAAAT!!!” until Phil gets up and removes her from the room. And she walks all over the dog’s face. And, while she doesn’t do it as often as Spaz, she also gets outside and GOOD LUCK trying to put that one back in the house. She has claws and they are not for scratching, they are for ADHERING. Which she demonstrates so well when she decides to send my office chair violently flying backwards by leaping onto the back of it. Sometimes it takes the both of us to get her off, not that she stays off for more than 37 seconds.

Sylvia: Oh, this cat. Apparently, she’s named after Sylvester the Cat, as she is black and white, but I am convinced she’s actually sitting around channeling Sylvia Plath. This is the cat I find sitting silently directly outside the door when Phil and I are exiting the bedroom. This is the cat that I find staring up at me when I’ve just dropped my towel after a shower. This is the cat that stares at me through the tiniest cracks in the doors LIKE SHE IS RIGHT NOW OH MY GOD GO AWAY YOU CREEPY LITTLE THING!

FIRST PLACE: Randy

Randy: Randy is the only boy. Randy does not harass anyone for food. Randy does not jump on the back of my office chair while I am trying to work and refuse to get down. Randy does not harass the dog. Randy does not enter where he is not wanted. Randy does not stare at me when I’m naked. Even when he does stare, Randy stares politely, not creepily. Randy does not try to run outside. Randy is beautiful and fluffy. If Randy could will himself to not shed, I bet he’d do it, because he’s that nice. I think Randy could probably cure cancer. I only like Randy.

19 thoughts on “The cats: A thoughtful ranking

  1. GHOSTKID

    I think we need to see pictures of the cats. It would be fun if your did not lable the pictures, and we had to guess which cat is which. Maybe you could take the pictures of each cat doing something that would give us a clue as to who the kitty is. It could be a prizeless contest with no entries and no rewards!

  2. Gauntlet

    As my wife is so fond of telling me, boy cats are customarily more affectionate than girl cats.

  3. Adlib

    How in the world did you ever get across the country with them??? LOL I’m sure that was a fun ride.

    Enjoyed the post though. We have our own “Randy” (but his name is Chance, the French pronunciation–anyway…), and he’s the greatest. Not a brain in his head, but he likes people at least.

  4. TJ Post author

    @Adlib: They lived here before I did. They’re not mine, so I’m allowed to regard them with rage.

  5. Luckedout

    We had a boy cat that was just like a dog. He loved being petted, sat around and panted, learned to sit… and I bet he would probably do a decent job at going for a walk if I had a leash for him. Boy cats are better.

  6. Bernie

    It’s a gender thing. The girls, Spaz, Love and Sylvia saw no need for Phil to bring another female into the space. You will have to earn your spot in the pecking order of things. Randy on the other hand is a guy and he loves having another girl around.
    You will know you have earned their respect when the cats start bringing you dead critters. You’re gonna love that.

  7. Tilde

    The Dog’s Diary

    8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
    9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
    9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
    10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
    12:00 PM – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
    1:00 PM – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
    3:00 PM – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
    5:00 PM – Dinner! My favorite thing!
    7:00 PM – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
    8:00 PM – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
    11:00 PM – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

    The Cat’s Diary
    Day 983 of my captivity.

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

    They dine l avishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash
    or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations
    perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my
    strength.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an Attempt to
    disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse
    and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike
    fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities.
    However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little
    hunter” I am. Bastards!

    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
    in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear
    the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to
    the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to
    my advanta ge.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
    tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
    again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and Snitches.
    The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to
    be more than willing to return. He is obviously Retarded.

    The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the Guards
    regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have
    arranged protective custody for him in an Elevated Cell, so he is safe.

    For now.

  8. Kate

    I have a female cat and I often refer to her as Velcro Cat. She must be touching me at all times! She also follows me around the house like shes my shadow or something. And while I love her very much…it is sometimes very annoying. I think she’d take a shower with me if i let her.

  9. Chaninn

    @Tilde LOL……ROFL!!!
    I have 2 cats, 1 male who does the middle of the night “feed me” torture but is otherwise super friendly and I have 1 female who is just like Tilde’s expose! She doesn’t like people and is very standoffish. Too funny!

  10. Tilde

    I wish I could take credit for writing it. I received it by email several years ago and it has stated in my inbox ever since….still funny every time I read it. I have seen it posted several places with slight variations over the years.

    Forgot this part….

    The Cat’s Diary

    Day 984 of my captivity.
    I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen again for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

  11. sif

    well you could have fun with Spaz. just get some non toxic red food coloring and boom. insto big red kitty to go and aggro the um.. sun warmed patio deck.

  12. Jae

    lol, thank you for the laugh – I needed it today!

    My cat is a mixture of all three of your special ones – he’s fat, loud and kind of creepy. His latest trick is licking the toilet bowl while I stand in the hallway muttering about stupid animals. Yesterday he tried jumping in the shower while the boyfriend was taking one.

    … yeeaaaah. That didn’t work out well. Stupid cat.

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