Still busy? Me, too. But for you? I’ve got time.
December 31st, 2009 | by TJ |
Ladies, ladies, busy ladies of the Internet – have you been sitting, staring at your unopened Cosmo forlornly, thinking I had forgotten you this month?
Thinking that you were actually going to have to find the time to crack open the magazine and read the insides to find out why the hell Amanda Bynes insists on parading around as a completely generic blonde when she made such a goddamn adorable brunette?
Internet, come on, do you even know me? What’s today? December 31st. What does that make this? The very last minute.
And when do I like to do things, Internet? When do I like to do things?
Anyway, you know how this goes. These are TJ’s Cosmo Cliff’s Notes. They came about because inside every issue of Cosmo is a page called “Cosmo at a Glance,” because even Cosmo doesn’t think you have time to read Cosmo. Well, I like to take things a step further, and I started thinking about all the ladies who don’t even have time to read THAT page, or maybe don’t even have time to BUY Cosmo! So I sit here and turn pages until I see something good, and then I tell you about it.
Sometimes I have to turn a lot of pages.
They put the Amanda Bynes story right at the front. Remember when the cover stories used to be way, way back in magazines? Remember when Cosmo used to have like, a million pages and you could sit outside and smoke and read it all afternoon? Well, you know what? Now Cosmo is skinny, Amanda Bynes is blonde, and you don’t smoke anymore so pretty much NOTHING IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD.
Ok, Internet, I normally try to bring you the unbiased Cosmo news in these Cliff’s Notes, but this is some of the worst crap I have ever read in Cosmo. Whoever wrote this is the kind of writer who you can tell wrote fanfic of the most intense Mary Sue sort, casting herself in all sorts of roles in which her overly emotive looks, sighs, tones and eyelash flutters attempted to convey everything she was too inept to express with actual words. Because she sucked at writing things but really wanted to break in that brand new leather journal and quill pen. And also? Why the hell is Amanda a blonde right now?
Damn!
AMERICA HAS ONE QUESTION FOR AMANDA BYNES AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN ASK IT.
Next. One of Cosmo’s insightful articles for you to ponder. Why Busy Couples Are Splitting Up. Because as adults? Just saying you’re “going out” doesn’t work the same way as it did in the 8th grade.
SOON-TO-BE-BREAKING-NEWS: A-Rod and Kate Hudson’s break up is imminent because one, when they’re walking down the street, they look where they’re going instead of directly into each other’s eyeballs and two, Kate Hudson sometimes has to hold her small son’s hand to keep her son close to her. Also? They don’t kiss like Cosmo thinks they should.
I’m ignoring this whole article on “The sexiest way to strip him down” because come on, aren’t we all adults, and can’t we all agree that Cosmo was probably short on topics, and called for some intern to run to the library and bring back the copy of The Happy Hooker’s Guide to Creating Regular Clients and Increasing Tips but I am going to point out one thing that has always bugged me about magazines and bloggers who fancy themselves to be “fashion” bloggers, especially those who like to give fashion advice to others, and that is this line “tease him with his tee.”
So often in magazines and blogs you see, “and pair it with a white tee” or “throw on a boxy tee” or something like that, you know? Say you were at my house and waiting for me to be ready and I said, “Hang on, let me just run upstairs and throw on a tee.” Do you know what you would do?
You would punch me right in the goddamn face.
As you should. BECAUSE COME ON.
WHO SAYS THAT. “TEE.” JEEZ.
DON’T.
FOR REAL.
In the Guy Report, apparently, there’s nothing worse than staring at a girl’s chest. This is true, but also a misconception. There’s a Chest Covenant. I made it up, I think, but it’s pretty much law.
- If a woman is wearing a hoodie, t-shirt, any otherwise non-revealing clothing and you stare/leer – asshole. Because, come on. She can’t help that her goods are there, but she’s not trying to accentuate the business.
- If a woman is wearing something tight, low cut or otherwise designed to accentuate her niceties, and you glance quickly, you’re within your rights. If you stare/leer repeatedly, you’re an asshole.
- If she’s wearing something tight, low cut or otherwise designed to accentuate her niceties and you glance quickly and she glares at you as if you’re the scum of the earth, she is an asshole. Because while wearing revealing clothing isn’t inviting stares, leers and grossness, you have to be open to an appreciative glance. In this way, a lady can indeed break the Chest Covenant as well as a man.
And that is the Chest Covenant.
We’re at the part where we talk about what is “in” and what is “out” in fashion, and I usually tell you that actually, Cosmo is wrong and it’s all “out.” However, since it was just Christmas, I’ve decided to be generous. I’m going to agree on long, slouchy t-shirts. Because I’m a slouchy kind of person (I actually have excellent posture, yet “slouchy” suits my personality anyway). According to Cosmo, you know what is out for January? Everything you have ever owned and loved. I’m not even kidding: big purses, flattering fitted t-shirts (t-shirts, Cosmo, you dicks), boot cut jeans, full skirts, long dresses, wide-leg pants, point boots. If you ever had a feeling of affection towards it, it is O-U-T, OUT.
Cosmo hates you guys.
Next, Sexy Tips from Victoria’s Secret Models. One time, I went into a Victoria’s Secret store, and, having learned my lesson, I walked right to the clerk to ask if they had my size in the store before I looked through all the cabinets for any bras and she laughed at me so I’m not talking about this article.
Question: If I spray on a fake tan in the winter, will it look fake? Answer: YOU WASTED PAPER ON THIS? Dead tree, guys. Dead. Tree.
Beauty advances: Makeup applicators vibrate, nail polish does 5 different things, light bounces off your face, creams and hair serums practically turn back time, cancer still killing.
Stud Meter – I think Spencer Pratt is on the bottom just to show you how ridiculously high Taylor Lautner’s abs are on this scale. Because, goddamn. Let’s break for a visual, ladies.
Next, yet another article talking about “girl on top” sex. It’s either about how empowering it is, or how you’re more likely to have an orgasm. It probably doesn’t address how aware you will be of your own gut and boob hangage/swayage. We’ve all read this article before, somewhere, right? Moving on.
Why He’d Share Your Naughty Text: 1. Because you were dumb enough to send it before you knew if you could trust him with stuff of that nature. 2. There pretty much is no two. 3. Moron. 4. Being slutty doesn’t make men love you. 5. Slut. 6. Not that sending dirty texts makes you a slut. 7. Just sending them before you know if a guy isn’t going to, you know, show them around. 8. Slut.
WARNING! Does YOUR Man Have a Solo-Sex Problem? Apparently? More and more men are secretly masturbating TOO much? Also? Possibly related? More and more men are dating control freaks who can’t mind their own damn business!
There’s this whole article in here on girls who were fine one minute, and then suddenly were almost dead. If you recall, I’ve written about this and the Oprah voice over in my head. And now it’s in Cosmo. So I guess when I write about all the strokes I have all the time, you’re not going to be so quick to laugh. Anyway, all these girls lived, because if a girl in Cosmo dies, it’s because of a man or skin cancer, and this article isn’t about either of those. Why are these things even in magazines? Things you don’t know about and can do nothing to prevent may surprise and kill you at any given moment. Including this one. Or this one. OR THIS ONE. Hope reading the rest of Cosmo doesn’t feel like a series of wasted moments, each of which could very well have been YOUR LAST.
There are new rules for outsmarting an attacker. You know how last time you read one of these articles, Cosmo told you stuff like, vary your route home, and that kind of thing? Well, this month, they say to do everything the opposite of whatever they said last time. They’ll switch back next month, probs.
And then, of course, the Cosmo Quiz. We’ve all cracked the Cosmo Quiz by now, right? Do You Ace a First Date? Five questions. Would you like the obvious weenie answer, the obvious psycho answer, or the obvious correct answer for each question? That’s what I thought.
See you next month, you Master Daters, you!
See previous Cosmo Cliff’s Notes:
November Issue
December Issue
By Tami on Dec 31, 2009
And the world is at peace.
1) Amanda Bynes WAS a totally awesome brunette. Blonde ain’t always better, ladies! She’s still pretty, she’s just…not as unique.
2) My library doesn’t carry The Happy Hooker’s Guide to Creating Regular Clients and Increasing Tips. Not that I checked, mind you. *shifty eyes*
3) I have to wonder what’s IN, based on this list of OUT clothes (Screw you, Cosmo, boot cut jeans will never die!). It sounds like unless I’m dressed like a futuristic prostitute, wearing bodysuits covered in glitter or tiny skirts and even tinier shirts, I’m out of fashion.
4) A white t-shirt (seriously, Cosmo, the dash isn’t that hard to find. It’s right up there next to the plus sign or the zero.) is rarely sexy. It can be cute or comfy, but for a regular gal who still remembers what chocolate chip cookies taste like and can’t afford expensive surgery, a white t-shirt is not going to make you look like the models in the magazines when paired with anything. I’m sorry if this is a surprise to you, Cosmo readers.
Also, it’s a t-shirt. Stop trying to sound fancier than you are, Cosmo. ‘Tee’ is what you hit a golf ball on.
5) Tip for the womenfolk (and I don’t even have to be a Victoria’s Secret model to offer it) – get properly fitted for a bra. Seriously. There are little old ladies in Dillards than can help you if you don’t feel like walking into plastic’s secret, but a well-fitted bra is essential. Don’t miss out. It’s worth it.
(Ya, okay, that was only BARELY related, but it’s a long comment. Maybe nobody will notice…)
6) (Why am I numbering? I have no idea) The Chest Covenant is the best thing I’ve read in all of 2009. I’m just saying. You’re totally ON with the last-minute thing.
7) (Hey, I already started numbering. I can’t stop now.) I note that this ab picture has a distinct and well-done “cover up his junk” ploy. I’d be very curious to see one of those infra-red “where did people’s eyes go” layovers on this photo. yes I would. Guaranteed your theory would hold out and more of it would be on his abs than his belt buckle.
8) Is there a graph somewhere, for this “too much” masturbation problem? How are you supposed to know if you’ve reached “too much”? what if you think you’ve hit “too much” and instead you’re still squarely in “not enough’sville”? One might almost think the vagueness of the warning indicates the advice to be constructed solely of conjecture and a desperate need to pad the wordcount! Gasp! Horrors!
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TJ Reply:
December 31st, 2009 at 6:10 pm
1. Have you noticed that she goes brunette for most of her movies? By “most,” I can only actually think of one.
2. I maybe checked out all the copies. Ever. Or, I wrote it.
3. Jumpsuits. Tiny purses. Fitted skirts. Boyfriend jeans. Other things. Basically, look around and if you see anything that would make your hips look like you could sell ad space? It’s in.
4. But “tee” is how you know someone is fashion savvy!
5. No joke.
6. I made it up in college. It’s probably the best thing to come out of my college education.
7. His abs are all kinds of ridiculous. And I’m not even an “abs” girl. I’m not even into muscles.
8. See, the “too much” thing shouldn’t even be a problem because… I don’t even want to know. I don’t care. Like, are you still going to work and eating meals at normal times? And the bills are being paid and the dog is fed? Can I access the rooms in the house I need to access when I need to access them, within reason? Then there is no masturbation problem. I don’t need to know anything beyond that.
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By Pablo on Dec 31, 2009
Excellent summation as usual
You’re pretty much dead on with the chest covenant. Besides, everyone knows that wearing a baggy sweatshirt means “I want you to notice my hair/new makeup and/or my ass in these jeans.”
Girls, rest assured the guy doesn’t care one whit about gut/chest hangage/swayage when you’re on top, because – to quote Phil – “Yipeeeee, I’m having sex!”
In regards to the solo sex problem – get over it girls, guys masturbate. If they don’t then they’re more than likely serial killers or screwing everything that breathes.
Derek Jeter and Kate Hudson will break up because it’s what celebrities do. They’re stuck in a permanent state of eighth grade.
Happy New Year everyone!!
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Pablo Reply:
December 31st, 2009 at 1:50 pm
…and Amanda? Go back to brunette please. We desperately need a cute, sexy brunette starlette. Another Hollywood blond is just boring.
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TJ Reply:
December 31st, 2009 at 6:01 pm
She was so adorable as a brunette!
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TJ Reply:
December 31st, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Baggy sweatshirt most definitely does not mean any of those things, so I am assuming you are being sarcastic.
And you know what else is funny about your comment? How when I talked about how girls are aware of gut/boob hangage/swayage when on top, a dude immediately feels the need to jump in and assure all the women that men don’t care about it. Duh. We know that. But you know that the fact that you don’t care doesn’t actually make a difference, right? Women have long been aware of that fact that you are happy as long as you’re doing it. That doesn’t mean that we’re not still aware of the hangage/swayage. I’m just saying. Male opinion is not the only opinion that matters. I’m not attacking YOU, Pablo. Just saying that men are funny.
Same thing with the jerking off thing, that you took my comments on the masturbation article to mean that women needed to get over that men jerk off. I think my comments pretty much made it clear that women are fully aware that men masturbate and that Cosmo is, as always, behind the times. As are men, apparently.
Oh, you men. You should read more Cosmo.
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By Brad on Dec 31, 2009
Thank you for the chest covenant. I have always wondered. I always assumed that is was a trap and it is best to just turn around and run in those situations.
Here is the follow-up question I have for you. Is it considered impolite not to look? I am not trying to be flip, but I am curious why display if you don’t want them to be admired.
Does the same covenant apply to skimpy bathing suits?
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Awlbiste Reply:
December 31st, 2009 at 3:53 pm
As an open-minded person with boobs I feel qualified to reply to this comment.
A non-creepy glance when wearing a revealing top is appreciated by non-bitchy types.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
December 31st, 2009 at 6:01 pm
“I am not trying to be flip, but I am curious why display if you don’t want them to be admired.”
Read the Chest Covenant again, specifically, how a female can break the covenant. If she is wearing something revealing and you politely glance and she gives you the death glare, she’s being an asshole.
A girl shouldn’t wear something revealing if she doesn’t want guys to look. It’s an ancient agreement between men and women that should be held sacred.
We will wear revealing clothing IF YOU AGREE to glance politely and briefly. We will pretend not to notice these glances, or, if we do notice, we will smile lightly and move on and not make a BIG THING about it.
IN RETURN, you will not LEER or STARE when we wear said clothing. Also, you will not LEER or STARE when we wear loose fitting or otherwise non-revealing clothing, even though we do still possess breasts under said clothing.
If you don’t feel like looking, there’s no law that says you HAVE to. But a girl who is wearing something low cut should understand that she is inviting a polite GLANCE. Not leers.
And note, I am NOT, AM NOT treading into “when you dress like that, YOU ARE ASKING FOR IT” sexual assault territory. Just to be clear. Because, no. Different thing all together. But we all know that. Just being clear.
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Brad Reply:
December 31st, 2009 at 10:29 pm
woah. I was def. not going there. I feel a little dirty it went there. I did not mean to imply anything like that.
Okay, back to lurking, there goes my commenting resolution already.
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TJ Reply:
January 1st, 2010 at 9:17 am
No no no no no. I didn’t mean that YOU were going there.
I mean in terms of the Chest Covenant in general, for anyone else who might read it, who might want to twist it in ways that it wasn’t mean to be twisted. I was just, you know, saying. In general terms. For the general audience. Not YOU, specifically. For you, specifically, I was saying that you don’t have to look at boobs you don’t want to look at.
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By Awlbiste on Dec 31, 2009
I have learned to not pay attention to boob and gut swayage. I am short, he is tall. Other way doesn’t work. Sorry for visual.
Taylor Lautner: I am the only woman in the world who does not find him attractive. He is both too muscley and too young.
Victoria’s Secret may have big boobed model but they sure don’t carry DDD bras. Lane Bryant does, however. And, you know, they size for fat people. Like me.
What if you’re in a long-distance relationship? Then how much is too much masturbation? And what if he masturbates too much and you’re in a regular distance relationship but you still have a mutually agreed upon good sex life? Is it still too much? Are people allowed to have varying sex drives?
The only jeans that look good on me are bootcut jeans. Fuck you Cosmo. Fuck. You.
[Reply]
TJ Reply:
December 31st, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Also, FYI, Lane Bryant’s 38DDD and 40DD are generally somewhat interchangeable between their various lines of bras. THE MORE YOU KNOW! (doo DOO doo DOO)
Re: Too much jerking off. See: dating control freaks above. Seriously, Cosmo. Chill. It’s not like a dude is going to USE UP his penis.
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Awlbiste Reply:
December 31st, 2009 at 6:08 pm
Although from what I understand there can be chafing involved. That sounds painful. I think when chafing territory is near that’s probably too much masturbating.
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Pablo Reply:
December 31st, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Chafing is definitely a sign of too much.
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Adlib Reply:
January 2nd, 2010 at 6:20 pm
I agree re: Taylor Lautner. He doesn’t really even look real so I agree – not that attractive at all.
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Adlib Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 8:56 am
I totally changed my mind. Thank you, Twilight. /embarrassing
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By Swistle on Dec 31, 2009
Oh dear god. I laugh so hard at these. I am going to DIE A SUDDEN UNEXPLAINED UNPREVENTABLE DEATH from them.
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By maerdred on Jan 1, 2010
TLDR
100% hotter sex with Blonde Amanda Bynes? Sign me up!(but please fix her hair first)
I would buy this magazine.
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By Delicia on Jan 1, 2010
Thanks TJ! I must admit I had a Cosmo in my hand briefly the other day when at the store… but it was just to turn it around so my kids didn’t have to read all the crap on the front (the line was too long in the only designated “family friendly” aisle that doesn’t have all the trash mags displayed). I couldn’t very well snag it and thumb through with the kiddies standing there..
Chest Covenant = WIN
And am I the only one that noticed that in that pic, they deliberately pulled his belt slightly up in the buckle so that it.. well.. bulges.. in a suggestive manner? Seriously.. look at it again, it should be laying flat and smooth but NOOO they have to do that crap? Like we really care? This goes back to the whole ‘picturing a guy naked’ thing.. is this photographer a guy??
-Del
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By Carrie on Jan 1, 2010
Someone needs to tell Amanda Bynes that Hollywood Bleached Blond is Step 1 toward the Celebrity Slip-n-Slide of Doom and Certain Death of your Career.
Look at Lindsay Lohan. I don’t think I need to say more than that.
Also, you killed me with the “tee” bit. Seriously. This is post-mortem typing.
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By Adlib on Jan 2, 2010
Before I even read this post, I could not get over Amanda Bynes being a blonde when I saw that picture. Why??? She is totally cute as a brunette and should stay as such.
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By TheWicked on Jan 4, 2010
The Chest Covenant is just awesome, but I have a question. Is there a relationship clause? May I stare/leer if it is at my significant other? Because… yeah… if she’s just stepped out of the shower or something, or is wearing certain things… yeah.
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By HokieJayBee on Jan 4, 2010
rarely does one really, l.o.l.. like, by the true definition of the word. it’s the random thing you type back to people in chat to let them know you read what they wrote, and that you understood it, but you have nothing to say back. it’s the random thing you say to be included in a conversation. it’s almost as bad at trying to force conversation than “etc.”.
but today, back at work for the first time since dec 23rd, i’m catching up on my blog reading. and i stumble upon your cosmo-nalysis. which are always great.
but today, office, open door, mid work day. real l.o.l. thank you:
“WARNING! Does YOUR Man Have a Solo-Sex Problem? Apparently? More and more men are secretly masturbating TOO much? Also? Possibly related? More and more men are dating control freaks who can’t mind their own damn business!”
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