So, right here is where I usually do a little bit of cheerful introduction text, about how I do TJ’s Cosmo Cliff’s Notes because you guys have such busy lives and probably don’t even have time to BUY Cosmo, let alone read it. I also usually get this post done before the very last day of the month, and on top of THAT, I’ve usually read the magazine all the way through, at least twice, marking down specific items that I feel that you, the busy Internet public, really need to be informed of.
But here we are, last day of the month, and getting late in the day, too – and I haven’t even read the whole Cosmo. Why?
Well, spoiler alert, Internet. After I found my Cosmo next to the toilet where Phil left it, I flipped it open to a random page only to find Cosmo saying something about a tablespoon of saliva, in relation to sex.
Cosmo wants you to MEASURE your SPIT.
So, sorry to do the big reveal so early, but I feel like you need to know why I was hesitant to open the Cosmo again until right now.
Anyway! Welcome to TJ’s Cosmo Cliff’s Notes! Let’s get started!
According to Cosmo At a Glance, the page in every Cosmo magazine that sums up the entire magazine for you because even Cosmo knows you aren’t going to read all of this shit, this month’s word is BOLD. As in, “Damn, Cosmo, isn’t it a little bold to even pretend you’re still for the average woman when you’re going to be talking about measuring spit?”
The Cosmo Hot Sheet, which can usually be counted on to keep us all informed about what will be totally “hot” and totally “not” in the grocery stores/malls/dog parks we all spend our time in is kind of a bummer this month. Hiring hot dudes to do your heavy lifting is a trend? Psh, Cosmo, please. I’m way too advanced for you on that tip. I’m marrying one. Easy on the eyes AND way more economical.
The cover story this month is about Heidi Klum, but I’ve got to be honest with you guys and say that I can’t read the feature stories in Cosmo anymore. I mean, I know that Cosmo isn’t where we all go for our high brow literature, but the whole opening paragraph tries to create a thesis based on how Heidi Klum drinks her orange juice. It, like most feature stories these days, is at best reaching and at worst and most likely, extremely overwrought. Not that I’m like, King Writer or anything, but come on. Know your audience. This is Cosmo. Stretched out and tenuous metaphors for life based on models and fruit juice? Try this. “Heidi Klum walks into the restaurant. Y’all? Bitch is HOT.” You’re welcome.
In Cosmo Couples News, we have an article entitled, “He cheated WITH you… Now what?” Options: Tell his wife, don’t tell his wife, or announce it to the world like it’s somehow your ticket to the big time, you twisted freak. Those are my options. Cosmo tells you how to move forward with your relationship with this dude. Because in these scenarios, he always leaves his wife for you. Right.
On the Sexy vs. Skanky list this month, sexy is kissing in public, men in tights, making out in Vegas. Skanky? Yawning, making bad decisions, and men that Cosmo finds unattractive in tights. Tuck that away in your pocket, y’all!
101 Things About Guys – I can’t list them all, of course, since this is TJ’s Cosmo Cliff’s Notes, but I can give you the highlights!
– Guys want you to send them sexy texts.
– A recipe for how to make a guy a sandwich!
– A list of women that all dudes agree are hotter than you are because that’s not going to give anyone a complex!
– He likes porn even if he gets sex with you! And Cosmo just writes that in normal font like it’s not even the shocker of the year!
– A list of nicknames you can feel free to give your man’s penis! Wait – penis – that’s not on the list. Excuse me. A list of nicknames you can give your man’s Charles in Charge!
Yesss, the Cheap & Chic page! The bargain hunter in me is always eager to devour Cosmo’s fashionable, yet affordable finds, so that I too can feel like I’m keeping up without breaking the bank – especially in this economy. And you know what? A $125 gold purse that’s going to be in style for at least 17 to 21 minutes is EXACTLY what I needed to kick off the first week of summer, before it becomes and irrelevant and embarrassing mistake I shove to the back of my closet. What a STEAL!
Ok, if y’all haven’t done your bathing suit shopping yet, you’re going to want to hear this. You know how a couple months ago, shoes with cut outs were popular and all your foot fat squished through? And then last month or so, dresses with cut outs on the back were popular, so all your back fat squished through? Well, GUESS WHAT? If you love squished fat, THIS IS YOUR SUMMER! Swimsuits with cut outs, y’all! And there’s a ton here that Cosmo thinks are appropriate and pull-off-able for the average woman!
And also? You can stop wondering and agonizing about the issue that’s always on all of our minds! Cosmo grew a set of balls, steeled its courage, and went right up and ASKED and you know what? It turns out that 69% of guys DO NOT CARE if your eyebrows match your hair color!
Also? While we’re on the subjects of bathing suit season and body hair, Cosmo’s got some tips on adding some “Down There Flair.” You won’t even believe it. Two words, you guys. Ok, three words, but two are actually hyphenated: Bikini-Line Stencils.
NOT EVEN KIDDING.
Nothing says “ready for summer” like punching out a piece of Cosmo magazine and taping it to your cooch. And here we all that “vajazzling” was a step too far!
I don’t know if you guys are going to believe Cosmo’s generosity, but you’ll have to trust me, since I have the magazine sitting right here. I didn’t even believe it myself at first, but like I said – it’s right here! For the 900th month in a row, in the article entitled The World’s Best Orgasm Tricks, Cosmo ONCE AGAIN selflessly lists the sex positions that stereotypically feel the best for a woman! You guys, think about it – with a cover price of like, $4, does Cosmo really have to waste paper by repackaging the same information over and over and over again? No. They don’t. But they DO it. For YOU. We should all take a moment and try to think about how WE can be more like Cosmo. After all – generosity is power. Apparently. Whatever the hell that even means.
When You Have to Fix a Sex Glitch – Fast! Ah, the very article I have been dreading. I’m trying to go into this with an open mind, especially after Cosmo’s stunning display of selflessness listed above. I mean, after all, haven’t we all been in a sexual emergency at one point or another? I’m sure if we all sit down and really put our heads together and think about it, we can come up with a sexual emergency of some sort that we’ve been in. At least one of us, probably. Anyway.
Oops, you’re out of lube! Well, that’s kind of a sex emergency, I guess. I mean, if you REALLY needed it and you HAVE to have sex right that second, to like, I don’t know, disarm a bomb or something. We should not be so arrogant as to think we won’t ever end up in such a situation. Cosmo thinks that you should mix a tablespoon of saliva (the thick kind deep on your throat works best… ) with a tablespoon of water “to stretch out the spit” and swish it in your mouth and then like… spit on each other.
Reach into the back of your throat for the good spit.
Measure out a tablespoon.
Mix it with water.
SPIT ON EACH OTHER.
Do you guys mind if I skip the rest of the sex emergencies?
The Item of Clothing All Wives Should Toss. In this article, Kristina Grish once again tells us about how we’re all totally doing marriage wrong. Apparently, she went to Old Navy and bought a pair of sweatpants for her husband and a pair for herself. And then she wore them around the house a lot, as did he. She says this turned them into slobs. Because they’re ruled by pants. And Kristina realized that while it was okay if her husband slobbed around, she shouldn’t wear comfortable pants. Because that makes sense. The whole thesis of the whole thing makes sense. And isn’t even a little sexist.
Another page made just for me – Shameless Money-Saving Tips. I like that Cosmo makes saving money okay, because every knows how unhip it is to be seen as someone who tries to be conscious of spending and think towards the future and only buy what they really need for reasonable prices. I mean, my closest friends know I’m that uncool, but my desire to hold on to more money than we spend on frivolous crap isn’t something I’m ready to reveal to the world. Well. Did you know that some high end restaurants are now charging as little as $25 per appetizer? What a cheap date night! And to think, we could have been doing that last night instead of slipping on dark glasses and fake beards and going to TGI Friday’s during happy hour and ordering two half price appetizers and splitting dessert and not spending a ton of money but still feeling like we got to treat ourselves within our reasonable and relatively average means!
Quick news item: Skipping the gym, watching the news, drinking wine, and sleeping in (instead of hitting the gym, obvi.) are all bad for your sex life. You should be in the gym so that you are physically perfect for your only other goal-slash-duty in life, having sex. STOP WASTING YOUR TIME ON WORLD EVENTS.
I can’t even believe how packed Cosmo is with money saving tips this month! They should have called this the Temerity Jane Edition! LOL! Did you know that if you quit indoor tanning, you can save $1900 a year? And? Also? The entirety of your future income potential and retirement funds won’t be spent on treating the deadliest, most common form of cancer in existence! Don’t you feel dumb sometimes, when Cosmo’s gentle guiding hand points out that if you quit tanning indoors (THE SUN OUTSIDE IS FREE!), you could buy “nine pairs of luxe skinny jeans?”
50 Great Things to Do With Your Breasts!
#1 – Shelf.
But seriously. Rest the clicker on those girls while you slouch on the couch. Pardon me for not going through Cosmo’s list, but I’ve been nominated for Best Use of Rack every year since puberty. Get a good slouch going, put some diet soda on a TV tray, and just go on ahead and watch some Tivo’d Bones with the clicker right there for rewinding that one scene with Booth in his underpants.
This month’s fashion section is a little weird, because aside from bright colors and patterns that no one would ever really wear together, I can only really tease out one unifying thread, but hey – they don’t call Cosmo the bible for nothing, am I right?? Apparently, this is “let your jaw hang slightly open and stare vacantly into space” month!
And lastly, the Cosmo quiz this month is about knowing how to work your sex appeal. If it involves measuring saliva and spitting, consider me a pro!!