Internet, I don’t think I was very good this year, because even though I wasn’t really expecting anyone to be sneaking around my house tonight leaving presents under my wall-tree, I have definitely been smote. Smoten. Smited?
I dragged my sick ass out of bed last night, Internet (by bed, I mean, from in front of the computer, but I’m pretty sure that part was understood), to make this delicious holiday cake (without the company of Dexter, unfortunately):
Only to find that I did not, in fact, have any round baking pans in which to make two delicious cake layers. In fact, I only had one pan. One disposable pan. That I was going to have to carefully use two times. Which was going to be a pain in my goddamn holiday ass.
And on top of that?
Let’s all just agree that it’s a Holiday Cake and Halloween is a holiday.
So I am sick, and I am tired, and I’ve got to bake this damn Christmas pumpkin cake in shifts, and discover that I totally did not leave enough batter for the second shift, because God only knows why I suddenly thought I developed a talent for eyeballing it, who the hell do I think I suddenly am, Rachel Ray or something? Her boobs are WAY higher than mine.
So I’ve got these lopsided layers with stems. Also? They’re not even round. They’re ovals.
And how did I not notice that the holiday icing strongly resembled toothpaste and oh yeah, did I suddenly develop icing amnesia? That is, did I somehow think that by some Christmas miracle, I had learned how to ice things?
“You can hardly tell that it’s a pumpkin, right?”
“And you can’t really tell that the layers are a little lopsided.”
“Can’t really tell.”
“And you can barely see that I filled in that hole in the cake with icing.”
“Can barely see.”
“Shut up, you can’t see that at all.”
“Can’t see that at all.”
“Get the hell out of here!”
“Getting the hell out of here.”
Let’s be honest, Internet.
That is a Christmas Monstrosity.
Also, let’s be a bit more honest. Look at it again, from another angle.
If we didn’t know that this was a Christmas Pumpkin, would we think this was a Christmas Breast?
Did I bake a Holiday Boob?