Santa smote me.

December 24th, 2009 | by TJ |

Internet, I don’t think I was very good this year, because even though I wasn’t really expecting anyone to be sneaking around my house tonight leaving presents under my wall-tree, I have definitely been smote. Smoten. Smited?

I dragged my sick ass out of bed last night, Internet (by bed, I mean, from in front of the computer, but I’m pretty sure that part was understood), to make this delicious holiday cake (without the company of Dexter, unfortunately):

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Only to find that I did not, in fact, have any round baking pans in which to make two delicious cake layers. In fact, I only had one pan. One disposable pan. That I was going to have to carefully use two times. Which was going to be a pain in my goddamn holiday ass.

And on top of that?

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Yeaaaaaah.

Let’s all just agree that it’s a Holiday Cake and Halloween is a holiday.

So I am sick, and I am tired, and I’ve got to bake this damn Christmas pumpkin cake in shifts, and discover that I totally did not leave enough batter for the second shift, because God only knows why I suddenly thought I developed a talent for eyeballing it, who the hell do I think I suddenly am, Rachel Ray or something? Her boobs are WAY higher than mine.

So I’ve got these lopsided layers with stems. Also? They’re not even round. They’re ovals.

And how did I not notice that the holiday icing strongly resembled toothpaste and oh yeah, did I suddenly develop icing amnesia? That is, did I somehow think that by some Christmas miracle, I had learned how to ice things?

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“You can hardly tell that it’s a pumpkin, right?”

“Hardly tell.”

“And you can’t really tell that the layers are a little lopsided.”

“Can’t really tell.”

“And you can barely see that I filled in that hole in the cake with icing.”

“Can barely see.”

“Shut up, you can’t see that at all.”

“Can’t see that at all.”

“Get the hell out of here!”

“Getting the hell out of here.”

Let’s be honest, Internet.

That is a Christmas Monstrosity.

Also, let’s be a bit more honest. Look at it again, from another angle.

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If we didn’t know that this was a Christmas Pumpkin, would we think this was a Christmas Breast?

Did I bake a Holiday Boob?

22 Responses to “Santa smote me.”

  1. By fidget on Dec 24, 2009

    nice rack

    [Reply]

    TJ Reply:

    That made me laugh for the first time in 2 days, and it sounded just like Joan Rivers, which made me laugh harder, so I coughed, and then I cursed you a little. MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM JOAN RIVERS!

    [Reply]

  2. By fidget on Dec 24, 2009

    Oy! Oy! Oy!

    [Reply]

  3. By Petal on Dec 24, 2009

    I suggest you start a new tradition with Phil wherein you create your own version of the “12 Days of Christmas” only it’s about cakes.

    O the first cake of Christmas, I mistakenly made:
    A green, sprinkle-y boob.

    Etc., etc.

    [Reply]

    TJ Reply:

    It sounds like a good idea, in theory, but I am hoping not to be a Christmas screw up forever.

    [Reply]

  4. By Aunt Becky on Dec 24, 2009

    Dexter would have liked it.

    [Reply]

    TJ Reply:

    I can list several other serial killers who might have, as well, I think.

    [Reply]

  5. By Mikey on Dec 24, 2009

    Absolutely nothing wrong with holiday boob. Plus cake is cake no matter what shape it is in. I would eat a funfetti cake even if it was shaped like a cockroach.

    [Reply]

    TJ Reply:

    I might, personally, draw the line at cockroach.

    [Reply]

  6. By Delicia on Dec 24, 2009

    LMAO reading your post, esp when I got to the pic of the only pan you have. You don’t have any casserole dishes?? wow..

    I’m sure it’ll still be yummy to eat!

    -Del

    [Reply]

    TJ Reply:

    We don’t really own anything, kitchen-wise. Maybe Santa will remedy that this year.

    [Reply]

  7. By Awlbiste on Dec 24, 2009

    Hell, I’d eat it. I mean maybe it looks worse in real life true colors but in those pictures I would have no idea you made it with a disposable pumpkin pan. For real.

    Can I have some cake?

    [Reply]

    TJ Reply:

    That is probably because you are thinking “Man I wonder where she got a pan shaped like boob.”

    Actually, my woefully poor icing skills covered up a lot of the pumpkin shape.

    And yes you can have some cake because when I am sick, all I want to eat is completely plain fast food burgers. Phil has made so many drive thru orders of $.97 cents in the last few days that the cost of gas is vastly outweighing the cost of the food I am consuming.

    [Reply]

  8. By Chris Anthony on Dec 24, 2009

    Smitten, by the way.

    I think the cake looks good, and I wouldn’t have noticed the boob connection if you hadn’t mentioned it, in large part because I have not watched enough Star Trek recently and thus don’t really associate green with breasts.

    In your position, it might have occurred to me to make a snowman with the second shift, but a) it still would have been green, b) it would have been an awfully stubby snowman, and c) I would have had the irresistable urge to put actual sticks in the sides for arms, which I suspect would have impeded the cake’s edibility. (Firefox insists that I didn’t make that word up, which I find astonishing.)

    All of that said, I actually think the icing job looks pretty good.

    [Reply]

  9. By Alicia @bethsix on Dec 24, 2009

    I may be fantastic in the bedroom (heh), but I’m shit in the kitchen. I just waded through my flickr to find you a present. This is the cake I made my husband for Father’s Day immediately after our second child was born: http://www.flickr.com/photos/aliciadbeth/3625980423. Oh yeahhhh.

    [Reply]

    TJ Reply:

    Ok, that TOTALLY tops accidentally making a breast and not realizing that you made a breast until you are about to hit “post” on your blog entry.

    Thank you, that is HILARIOUS.

    [Reply]

  10. By MoCo Mom on Dec 24, 2009

    This is the funniest thing ever. You’re the holiday boob, dear. (Sometimes a cake is just a cake).

    My kids would be delighted to devour it, because it looks suspiciously like something I’d bake. And I have a couple of decade of (disastrous) baking experience on you. See what you can aspire to? Me!

    Merry, merry, TJ and Phil. Hope you have a sunny Xmas :-)

    [Reply]

  11. By Kelly on Dec 24, 2009

    Oh. I thought it looked like a balloon. Still… it looks delicious. I would totally have some.

    Have a Merry Christmas!

    [Reply]

  12. By Dinsdale on Dec 24, 2009

    Dude, that looks awesome. I’d eat it.

    And now I want cake, but all I have are overcooked, underfrosted gingerbread cookies. Damn you.

    [Reply]

  13. By hydra on Dec 24, 2009

    I like it. It looks tasty and it is not so easy being green. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51BQfPeSK8k

    [Reply]

  14. By Jheran on Dec 25, 2009

    It’s not a Christmas boob, it’s a Christmas ball. Just hang an ornament hook on the nipple part and tell Phil it’s a giant ornament for your wall tree.

    And… we’re going to totally ignore that I just told you to pierce the nipple with a fish hook.

    [Reply]

  15. By Bernie on Dec 25, 2009

    Hmmmm, after the Great Lentil Production I thought you had domestic duties aced. I think the pumpkin face in the bottom of the pan is a rip-off. First it’s on the bottom and second the frosting covers it.
    I hope you did not pay full price for the pan.

    [Reply]

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