Potential Cooking Disasters With TJ: Deeleeshoos Noodles!

Hello, Internet!

It is time for another exciting installment of Potential Cooking Disasters With TJ!

I am sure by now you have all had a chance to make my special Oaty Oats by now and are dying for a new challenge.

Well, you are in luck! Today, we are cooking Deeleeshoos Noodles!


This is what you need to make Deeleeshoos Noodles. Now, the original Deeleeshoos Noodles recipe calls for about half of most of the things I am going to show you, but I’ve got to ask you, Internet, what the hell am I supposed to do with half a box of pasta? Drop it on the floor and have pointy, dangerous shards of pasta poking me in the foot for the entirety of the rest of the time we live here, that’s what, am I right? Also, Deeleeshoos Noodles are so deeleeshoos that you’re pretty much going to want a whole pasta box of them anyway.

Anyway, what we have here is oyster sauce, soy sauce, sesame oil, brown sugar, pretend butter, cheater garlic, angel hair pasta and some long onions. You can feel free to use real butter and the long way garlic. If you must. Though I don’t know who you think you’re showing off for, you know?


First, boil up your noodle water. This is going to take like, fifteen times longer than you think it’s going to because it ALWAYS DOES, so don’t even try to get ahead like I did or you’ll end up sitting around with pretend butter congealing and it will be JUST TERRIBLE. So, get your water going, and while your water is getting all boiled up, this is what you should do to pass the time:

First, get your favorite post it notes and go into your pantry or your cupboard or wherever you keep your cereal and other boxed/canned foods and such. The freezer counts, too. Check out all the packages on the inside and outside for coupons. If any of them have coupons on or in them, stick a post it on them so you remember not to just toss out the package when you are done because nothing makes me so mad as a thrown out coupon that was on packaging, because it’s not a useless coupon because it’s ON SOMETHING THAT I HAVE ALREADY PURCHASED. Anyway, it’s a good idea. And I’m just giving these ideas away for free, Internet. I’m not in this for the glory, I’m in this for YOU.


Once your water is going, toss your noodles in. Since it’s angel hair, it will cook fast, so don’t go all slowpoking around your kitchen with the rest of this. It’s not rocket cooking, you know?

Anyway, cut up your long onions. I usually use kitchen scissors to cut them up because it’s way faster and way less dangerous to my fingertips than knifing, but I don’t have any kitchen scissors right now. If you also don’t have any kitchen scissors, feel free to do as I do and get fed up with cutting them up near the end and just throw the long ends down at the other end of the cutting board because eff it, how many long onions does a person need, am I right?

This is one whole bunch of long onions. The original recipe called for half-ish of a bunch, I think, which is frustrating because is a BUNCH even a standard unit of measure? Anyway, you can use less or more or leave them out all together if you’re not into long onions. I’ve left them out before. No one died from lack of long onion.


Put some of your pretend butter in a big pan. Like, really pretty big. The original recipe called for about a quarter cup of butter so doubling it would lead to about a half a cup of butter which leads pretty much to oh hell no. How much pretend butter should you use? Enough. You know? Enough pretend butter. Which is not half a cup of butter. It is not even a quarter cup of butter, if you ask me. Pretend butter is not the star of this Deeleeshoos Noodle show. Garlic is the star. That’s where the deeleeshoos comes from.

Anyway, let your pretend butter get all melty and have some bubbles, but not brown or burned. That pretty much effs up the whole business. Trust me, Internet. I, ah, tested it for you.


SPEAKING OF GARLIC. What you skimped on in butter, feel free to make up in garlic. Put some (not all) of your chopped up long onions into the butter. Then put some garlic. You may think that looks like a lot of garlic, or maybe you hate garlic. If that is the case, I hope you read this whole recipe before you started cooking because I’m just going to have to tell you to pack it all up and go home. This is pretty much garlic city.

Now, I used cheater garlic, but I used the cheater garlic equivalent of six to eight garlic cloves. And really, to be honest, I’m only saying six to eight so you think that there’s a chance that I erred down at the six end of the scale and not be like, “WHOA!” It’s eight. It’s pretty much definitely eight. I was just saying six to eight so you wouldn’t get scared. It’s eight. Mm hm.

So, basically, swoosh those around a little so they don’t burn. With these long onions, there’s a pretty distinct line between soft and deeleeshoos (as befits the recipe) and “aw, shit.”

We have eaten “aw, shit.” It can be done, but I suggest you aim for soft and deeleeshoos.

While you’re swooshing it, you’re going to make the sauce.


Just because it’s March doesn’t mean that your adorable penguin bowls are any less capable of being a sauce vessel. Don’t be so scarf-ist.


First, some soy sauce. You can use generic because I said so. As you can see, our bottle of soy sauce is pretty much running on empty. Growing up, there were things that my mother always had in the house, no matter what. I am sure every house has their own varieties of staples, and I am sure that I am not the only one for whom soy sauce is ever-present. We eat a lot of soy sauce foods. We should probably switch to low sodium. I just got to see a bunch of engagement pictures and I am super puffy.

You should put in about two teaspoons of soy sauce. You might need to add more later, but remember that you can’t take any out, so even if you really like soy sauce, be gentle. Especially because, and it may be just me, but oh man, that stuff just shoots right out of that bottle, huh?


Next comes some brown sugar, a star you may recognize from other such Potential Kitchen Disasters like Oaty Oats! Remember how I put about a fistful into the Oaty Oats?

And then do you remember how you were following me on Twitter and I went all nuts for this cake and made it a bunch of times?

Well, I packed up my box of brown sugar in the move and then I pulled it out to use it and it had a pretty good heft to it and I was like, excellent, I don’t need any more of THAT, I am SO on top of my life right now!

And then I looked in the box right when I needed it to cook.


Oh. Well. Hello random partial bag of yellow cake mix. Why did I save you? Why did I save you inside the brown sugar box? Why do I screw with myself SO HARD?

Anyway, there was still some brown sugar left, but not a whole ton. That’s ok, though, because you don’t need a whole ton. Probably one fistful. I put in less than a quarter of a cup. Like the soy sauce, depending on how you like things, you might want to add more later, so keep it a little less to start.


Some oyster sauce! You need a whole quarter cup of oyster sauce. If you really hate oyster sauce, I don’t know what to tell you, because you know what? I don’t actually know what oyster sauce tastes like. It’s always in things. I don’t use it very often, but when I do use it, like in Deeleeshoos Noodles, I use a lot. But I’ve never tried it all on its own.

And a note about oyster sauce – when you first try to pour it, if you’re not familiar with it, it comes out really slowly and you might be tempted to think it’s kind of like molasses and shake it really hard. Well, let me tell you, it is only slow until you’re pretty comfortable with how slow it is. After that, it’s pretty much an oyster sauce waterfall. So, BE AWARE!


Sesame oil. I use this all the time. In a lot of things. When I make something and it pretty much tastes like crap (I know, you might be shocked, considering my obvious expertise, but it happens to me a LOT!), I can usually throw some sesame oil in and it’s suddenly magically better.

Sesame oil is a super strong flavor, so depending on your tastes, you should work around a tablespoon. That is, if you aren’t sure how much you like sesame oil, or aren’t really a huge ran of it, put just a little bit less than a tablespoon in. If you do like sesame oil, you can go right at a tablespoon or a little bit over.


So this is pretty much what it looks like after you make a giant mess of it. I don’t get people who don’t make a mess when they’re cooking.

That’s what sponges are FOR. They exist SPECIFICALLY FOR MESSES. So you can feel free to make some, because there’s a THING for that.


Once you’ve got it all stirred up, you can go ahead and taste it, but I will warn you, the flavor is really pretty strong. Actually, it kind of borders on gross at this point. But you can taste a very, very little bit and if maybe it is too sweet for you, you can put in a little more soy sauce. If it’s a little too salty, you can put in some more sugar.

You can also see some of the long onions left. Remember that you put a bunch in the pan to get soft and deeleeshoos, which is good. I also like to keep some extra, though, so that you have some crunchy ones to put on the top.


At this point, go get Phil. You know how the other day I was talking about how I don’t have a strainer, and everyone was like “use a pot lid?” I was really surprised by that. I don’t have much strength or control in my fingers, hands and wrists, and I’ve known that for pretty much ever. I forget sometimes, though, that other people don’t have the same problem. When everyone was talking about how they just lift up a pot of boiling water and use the lid to strain it, I was shocked, because I can’t do that at all.


That is why I have a strainer now. And a Phil. Because I can’t even lift the pot.


After you (or your Phil) drain the pasta, you can go ahead and throw it in the pot right on top of the pretend butter, cheater garlic and long onions. Keep in mind that even though I have been sitting at my desk, plodding along with this typing for like, a hundred hours right now, the time from sticking the pasta into the boiling water to this point is really less than 10 minutes.


Dump your sauce right on top of that. I leave it on the heat on low, but I suppose you could also transfer it all to a bowl off the heat by this point. Phil and I are never on the same page about when dinner is ready, so I try to keep everything kind of warm for as long as possible. Especially if I’m making more than one thing. Because I have only ever been close to getting everything done at once ONE TIME and some DAMN KIDS RUINED IT.


Then you’ve got to stir. And remember, you’re dealing with an entire box of pasta and a thick-ish sauce here, so you’ve got to stir a lot. I like one of these wooden fork jobbers for the task, because you can twist and turn and flop it all around.

You can see in the picture that the sauce isn’t distributed evenly. That is because I am not kidding. You’ve got to be a really aggressive stir-ist. I mean like, flying noodles and splashes of sauce up on your glasses. Remember, we have SPONGES.


Eventually, it looks pretty much like this. You’ll know you’re done stirring when the pasta turns the color of whole wheat pasta instead of normal pasta.

We tried whole wheat pasta a couple of times because we felt like we should. We also felt like it was pretty gross.


Toss some of your leftover chopped up long onions on the top for some crunchiness and there you go.

Deeleeshoos Noodles!

I hope you enjoyed this installment of Potential Cooking Disasters With TJ!

Come back next time, when we will be making whatever I am making the next time I remember to take pictures of what I’m making!

53 thoughts on “Potential Cooking Disasters With TJ: Deeleeshoos Noodles!

  1. Chibi Jeebs

    Oyster sauce scares me. Also, I’m fascinated by your use of “long” onions: we just call ’em green onions around here. I will be trying TJ’s Deeleeshoos Noodles in the future.

    TJ Reply:

    It used to scare me, too, because I thought it would taste like oysters, and then I realized that I don’t even know what oysters taste like!

    Chibi Jeebs Reply:

    Okay, but what about fish sauce? So many Asian dishes call for it, but it scares me even more than oyster sauce, so I don’t bother trying said recipes. Have you tried that one?

    TJ Reply:

    Hm, I have never had fish sauce. I do make a lot of standard Asian stuff – noodles, stir fry, fried rice – but just those basics. Haven’t really gotten to anything that would use fish sauce, I guess.

    If the recipe had delicious looking pictures, though, and I knew I wouldn’t be buying a one-time-ingredient (HATE that – I’m looking at YOU, ridiculously expensive pine nuts!), I’d definitely give it a shot.

    Flaime Reply:

    Fish sauce really doesn’t have much of a fish taste unless you eat it alone. It’s mostly soy sauce and molasses.

  2. Anna

    TEEJ. I can’t read this post because you are using a GLASS CUTTING BOARD.

    Your poor knife. /winces/ GLASS IS EVIL.

    (also, these noodles look delicious. I may have to make some version of them for my lunch)

    Anna Reply:

    Also, and I am totally replying to myself. Real Butter is not pretentious! It is the ORIGINAL. and it is not fake. Also, they make it near my town and I get the stuff with the little “Made in Texas” stampy on it. Which makes me happy.


    TJ Reply:


    I’M SORRY!

    Flaime Reply:

    Anna is correct about the glass cutting board. Pretty soon your $10 knife will be more dangerous than sticking your hand under a running lawn mower. Also, glass cutting boards have a tendency to break, causing serious injury and expensive food wastage…

    Might I recommend you go to Target and buy a $10 plastic cutting board (2 would be better – 1 for meat and 1 for vegetables). Then get a second $10 knife so you can take the first one to the knife guy to get sharpened. Then when the second one gets dull you can use the first one while the second one is being sharpened. Or if you want to be spendthrifty (which I doubt you would want, but Phil might) you can get bamboo boards at some place like Bed Bath and Beyond. The nice thing about both styles of boards is that they are dishwasher safe!

    (of course, I have 2 chef’s knives (8″ and 10″), an 8″ Santouko, a boning/fileting knife, 3 serrated knives (mostly meant for bread but I have one just for tomatoes), and half a dozen paring knives (none of which I like, but tend to use a chef’s knife for paring anyway).

    Khronos Reply:

    Yeah, I have to agree with Anna on both points. The noodles do indeed look Deeleeshoos, so I’ll have to make them soon. Maybe with some steak or chicken in them, cuz, you know…meat.

  3. Pseudo

    Anna’s on the money there. (I swear the purpose of my life is not to critique yours)

    Glass boards will make you have to replace your knife and/or your fingers.

    (Alton Brown said so, and even if I didn’t just take almost everything he says on faith, I would still agree with him on this one.)

    Also? Thanks. I’m totes making this for dinner. And i’m not telling boyfriend where i got the recipe. Hope this helps.

    I can smell the garlic from here,

    TJ Reply:

    We had it with garlic bread because that’s how we roll.


    I mostly use it for a trivet, if that helps.

    Also, I only own that one knife, and it’s not a particularly good one, so it’s not too heartbreaking, I hope.


    Pseudo Reply:

    excuse me while i add a nice loaf of bread on which to make garlic bread to my shopping list.

    I also only own one good knife – it was all I asked for for my birthday, because I was really, really, really over my $5 at target knives.

    Out of curiosity: How on earth do you cook things while wielding a camera? And how is it that your food photos look yummy? Mine always look like the really bad ones you see in questionable restaurant advertisements.

    Pseudo Ponders…

    TJ Reply:

    1. A complete and total willingness to let dinner burn in the name of entertaining the Internet.

    2. Most of my food looks REALLY terrible (http://temerity-jane.com/?p=2077 ), but I figure the Internet will trust me if I say it tastes good.

  4. cindy w

    So, if you were to happen to want a non-vegetarian version of this, do you think you could brown some chicken along with your long onions & garlic and toss them in the mix? Cuz we don’t do meat-free meals ’round these parts. But those noodles do sound really good!

    TJ Reply:

    If I was going to add meat, I would definitely do chicken.

    I would probably cut a couple of chicken breasts – 2 to 4, depending on how chickeny you want to get – into bite sized cubes or chunks. I’d pour about maybe… a couple of teaspoons of sesame oil over the raw chicken and then some slat and pepper and kid of rub it all in with my hands (going ew ew ew because ugh touching raw meat).

    I’d put it in a separate pan with maybe a tablespoon or so of a neutral oil and brown it up. I’d keep it to the side and then mix it in at the mixing stage. I think that would work pretty well!

    Adlib Reply:

    It’s weird–I don’t mind working with raw hamburger making meatloaf and whatever else, but raw chicken is pretty darn creepy when not frozen.

    Flaime Reply:

    TJ would do chicken, but if you took a 1/2 pound piece of round steak and cut it into really thing slices, which you then marinated in 3 tablespoons of soy sauce, 1 tablespoon of oyster sauce, and 2 tablespoons of cornstarch, all mixed together and then threw into a really hot pan with a couple tablespoons of oil in it, that would go well too. And don’t for get to salt and pepper.

  5. Awlbiste

    Long onions. I AM DYING. Long onions!

    Also I use plastic cutting boards my mom got me from Ikea. AND I have a shitty knife. But you know what people, up yours.

    TJ Reply:

    Well, you know, they are pretty long.

  6. Maebius

    This looks like a recipe we make all teh time, though we substitute out hte Oyster sauce, and add Teriaki(sp?)

    Interesting note to save grocery-$$. If you only use the green part of your long onions (WTF? LONG? they are Green onions, or Scallions if you feel pretentious).
    Anyway, where was I?

    Just chop up the green part above the first “leaf-mark” where the little grass-like leaves start looking like they are seperate from the white bulby part. If you leave the white bulbs and enough light greenery, and stick the bulbs in a cup with a little water (don’t drown them, just keep half-submerged) They will keep growing!

    Then, you can come back three or four days later, and make another batch of Deeleeshoos noodles, without having to buy more green onions. :)

    All my years of cooking, I never knew that until this winter, and we have a perma-onion plastic cup near the sink now for fresh green-onionery. Enjoy!!

    Pseudo Reply:

    You can…


    I didn’t know you could grow the little suckers, either.

    You just changed my life.


    Maebius Reply:

    *smiles @Pseudo. I pretty much had that reaction when we visited some friends this fall and they had a cup O’ Greenonions they chopped up and then PUT BACK ON THE SHELF??! it may only be a few cents savings, but it was the principle of the thing having perma-fresh onions.
    (eventually they DO get a bit old and thick and need replaced)

    TJ Reply:

    I think I knew that at some point, but I actually like the white parts! And while I am all about saving money, of course, I have to balance my love of the white parts with the fact that over at the commissary, we are talking about cents worth of onions.

    Plus, given the opportunity to kill it? I probably would.

    Maebius Reply:

    Granted, the white parts are the best yummy crispy oniony flavour parts. I also forgot commissary prices were =/= our grocery store in winter prices for such items. :)

  7. Rachael

    You could totally do some chicken or pork to toss into those noodles. When I do pork “stir fry” I tend to toss a tbsp (that’s tablespoon, TJ, the big one ;) ) of soy sauce, a couple tbsps of water, and some cornstarch in a pie dish with my diced pork and let em sit for a few minutes. When you cook it up (the pork, not the marinade, that gets tossed), you end up w/ some crunchy on the outside that’s total win. Also, no shame in cooking in steps… I usually do my pork, then all the green bits (green onions, snow peas, carrots, garlic), and then toss the meat back in at the end to warm it up. overdone pork is NOT love.

    ANYWAY, I’d probably make your sauce, and add some pork, and maybe some snow peas to it, and super enjoy. :)

  8. Canth

    That sounds really good. Except for like the crunchy fresh green onions on top because that is healthy and everyone knows healthy food isn’t deeleeshoos. (The soft ones are ok cause they just kinda slide down the throat easy :)

    But hey, I see this recipy calls for a Phil, which I don’t have in the area. Could you send him down on Saturday so I can make this?
    We do have a strainer, and I’m strong enough to do this myself, but it’s so much easier to have someone else do the work.

  9. Thistleseer

    This is almost exactly how I have my noodles when we go to the Mongolian Grill restuarant in town. I do add a meat (either chicken or beef) and pineapple (and its associated juices). Yum!

  10. Kelly

    Oooh, that looks really good, except for the Oyster Sauce. I don’t even know what that is. I may have to improvise with that. There’s probably some vegan-friendly oyster-substitute sauce at the health food store. But all the other stuff? Mmmmmm, especially all that cheater garlic. I just bought a new jar of that.

    And long onions? LOVE IT! Way better than ‘green onions’ or ‘scallions’. I may have to stop at the grocery store on the way home for some pasta and long onions.

    Maebius Reply:

    There are vegetarian versions of Oyster sauce, (made with mushrooms I think).

    The ingredients in traditional Oyster Sauce are boiled oyster juice, brine, and soy-sauce. Thus, you could probably replicate it by simmering down some delicious shrooms (Portabellas, not the magickal kind!) in soy sauce, adding a touch of cornflour to thicken it, and strain out the resulting liquid as a substitute.

    Actually, I’m going to try that tonight! :)

    Kelly Reply:

    I’d really rather just buy it, because I hate cooking to begin with, so everything has to be super easy. :)

  11. Chibi Jeebs

    Wait – what?!? Now glass cutting boards are Teh Ebil, too??? Dammit, people!

    Anna Reply:

    Glass cutting boards are very knife-unfriendly. They dull your knives quickly, and dull knives are much easier to hurt yourself with.

    Plastic and wood are both fine for cutting boards – and plastic ones can be tossed in the dishwasher :)

    Chibi Jeebs Reply:

    But I thought plastic was bad because of the GERMS! How about I just never cut anything ever again? I kinda like that plan… ;)

    Anna Reply:

    Plastic is only bad if you don’t actually CLEAN it. Like, in the dishwasher or with hot water and soap. Also, it’s wood cutting boards that harbor more germies because they’re absorbent, but again, if you clean your cutting boards with hot water and soap, you should be A-OK.

    Hint – if you get a wood cutting board that gets a little stinky, mix some salt and baking soda, cut a lemon in half, and use the cut open lemon to scrub the salt/soda into the board. Scrub it good, and then hit it with hot water and soap. No more stinkies.

  12. Skraps Post author

    Where is the protein in that meal? You got to have some sort of meat with that. Maybe it is a side dish for steak, and you just didn’t remember that.

    TJ Reply:

    I didn’t realize that the lack of meat was going to turn out to be such a huge deal!

    Julie Reply:

    It is! I watched, I read, and I thought “Nom”. Then I thought “I’m gonna get hungry again soon after noming that. Where’s the protein?” Then I read some comments about how your readers would add protein (chicken/steak/pork), and though “NOM!”.

    Also – for cutting boards, I have a wooden for bread, a green plastic for veges and a red plastic for meats.

    Adlib Reply:

    I agree! Don’t people eat Ramen noodles by themselves?? I’m all about noodles for the sake of noodles! :)

  13. DD

    The Deeleeshoos Noodles look totally up my alley being a carb addict and all, but since I’m getting ready to totally change our eating habits and hopefully drop some tonnage I’ll have to just live vicariously through your pics.

    I also winced at the cutting board, but I’m sure a solution will probably present itself to you shortly. Definitely register for a few really good knives. They will last the rest of your life. And like I tweeted, the fake butter really is bad for you. Does nasty things to your hormones and metabolism especially when heated; pretty much the opposite of the commercials and American Heart Assoc talking heads. Thank you food lobbyists!

    Oyster sauce doesn’t really have a strong oyster or fish taste, just well-rounded. But Fish Sauce?? Watch out! That stuff could knock you over so use sparingly.

    Anna Reply:

    If you want a knife that will last you forever and be TOTALLY AWESOME, I can’t recommend these Victorinox Fibrox knives highly enough. I have this one and a paring knife (bought in a dual-combo-deal thing) and they ROCK: http://www.amazon.com/Victorinox-Fibrox-8-Inch-Chefs-Knife/dp/B000638D32

  14. Victor | UPrinting

    Well, believe it or not you gave me an idea for my leftover pasta :-). I’ll try this recipe using some egg noodles and see if it’ll work. I think this will taste better if you throw in some chicken meat and seafood (prawns, crab meat, squids, scallops, etc.).

  15. Confused

    Ah i see your using an item i intend to use to take over America with. The plan can be pretty much sumed up with the phrase ‘I’ve replaced all thier Corn Sugar with Cane sugar, lets see how long it takes them to notice’

  16. Rhy

    Ooh. This does indeed look deeleeshoos. I shall have to try it!

    By the way, regarding whole wheat/whole grain noodles…these are NOT created equal. At ALL. Some brands are absolutely repulsive. You should totally try Barilla whole grain noodles at least once, though, with a tomato-based sauce (like next time you make spaghetti & meatballs). They’re a bit too nutty to play well with most cream sauces (and probably wouldn’t be deleeshoos in this recipe), but with tomato sauces they are seriously awesome.

  17. Shin Ae

    (1) These noodles look yummy.

    (2) You write the best cooking posts ever.

    (3) I love whole wheat pasta. I wouldn’t make Deeleeshoos Noodles with whole wheat pasta, though, that would be weird.

  18. Jason Doege

    I tried making your deeleeshoos noodles tonight and they tasted pretty go.. er, deeleeshoos. That is to say, they kids cleaned their bowls! Thanks!

  19. Bernie

    That dish looks very similar to a dish called “pancit”. We make pancit very often at home. It has sliced pork or chicken or shrimp if you like shrimp and is cooked much as your deelisheeous noodles.
    As far as I am concerned anything with soy sauce is good. I can make a meal out of just cooked rice and soy sauce.
    Now go to the store and get Phil a steak for Sunday dinner.

  20. Meredith

    I am so making this.

    If you want fancy-schmancy garlic, you should get a garlic press. It cuts the garlic for you! It’s also one of those handy less-than-$25 items to include on a wedding registry. Mmmhmm.

  21. Lori

    I made these tonight (with added chicken, because my family would revolt with no meat in it), and my eyes rolled back in my head. Yum.

    Also, I have stolen “long onions”, “cheater garlic” and “pretend butter”, because it makes me laugh.

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