It is time for another exciting installment of Potential Cooking Disasters With TJ!
I am sure by now you have all had a chance to make my special Oaty Oats by now and are dying for a new challenge.
Well, you are in luck! Today, we are cooking Deeleeshoos Noodles!
This is what you need to make Deeleeshoos Noodles. Now, the original Deeleeshoos Noodles recipe calls for about half of most of the things I am going to show you, but I’ve got to ask you, Internet, what the hell am I supposed to do with half a box of pasta? Drop it on the floor and have pointy, dangerous shards of pasta poking me in the foot for the entirety of the rest of the time we live here, that’s what, am I right? Also, Deeleeshoos Noodles are so deeleeshoos that you’re pretty much going to want a whole pasta box of them anyway.
Anyway, what we have here is oyster sauce, soy sauce, sesame oil, brown sugar, pretend butter, cheater garlic, angel hair pasta and some long onions. You can feel free to use real butter and the long way garlic. If you must. Though I don’t know who you think you’re showing off for, you know?
First, boil up your noodle water. This is going to take like, fifteen times longer than you think it’s going to because it ALWAYS DOES, so don’t even try to get ahead like I did or you’ll end up sitting around with pretend butter congealing and it will be JUST TERRIBLE. So, get your water going, and while your water is getting all boiled up, this is what you should do to pass the time:
First, get your favorite post it notes and go into your pantry or your cupboard or wherever you keep your cereal and other boxed/canned foods and such. The freezer counts, too. Check out all the packages on the inside and outside for coupons. If any of them have coupons on or in them, stick a post it on them so you remember not to just toss out the package when you are done because nothing makes me so mad as a thrown out coupon that was on packaging, because it’s not a useless coupon because it’s ON SOMETHING THAT I HAVE ALREADY PURCHASED. Anyway, it’s a good idea. And I’m just giving these ideas away for free, Internet. I’m not in this for the glory, I’m in this for YOU.
Once your water is going, toss your noodles in. Since it’s angel hair, it will cook fast, so don’t go all slowpoking around your kitchen with the rest of this. It’s not rocket cooking, you know?
Anyway, cut up your long onions. I usually use kitchen scissors to cut them up because it’s way faster and way less dangerous to my fingertips than knifing, but I don’t have any kitchen scissors right now. If you also don’t have any kitchen scissors, feel free to do as I do and get fed up with cutting them up near the end and just throw the long ends down at the other end of the cutting board because eff it, how many long onions does a person need, am I right?
This is one whole bunch of long onions. The original recipe called for half-ish of a bunch, I think, which is frustrating because is a BUNCH even a standard unit of measure? Anyway, you can use less or more or leave them out all together if you’re not into long onions. I’ve left them out before. No one died from lack of long onion.
Put some of your pretend butter in a big pan. Like, really pretty big. The original recipe called for about a quarter cup of butter so doubling it would lead to about a half a cup of butter which leads pretty much to oh hell no. How much pretend butter should you use? Enough. You know? Enough pretend butter. Which is not half a cup of butter. It is not even a quarter cup of butter, if you ask me. Pretend butter is not the star of this Deeleeshoos Noodle show. Garlic is the star. That’s where the deeleeshoos comes from.
Anyway, let your pretend butter get all melty and have some bubbles, but not brown or burned. That pretty much effs up the whole business. Trust me, Internet. I, ah, tested it for you.
SPEAKING OF GARLIC. What you skimped on in butter, feel free to make up in garlic. Put some (not all) of your chopped up long onions into the butter. Then put some garlic. You may think that looks like a lot of garlic, or maybe you hate garlic. If that is the case, I hope you read this whole recipe before you started cooking because I’m just going to have to tell you to pack it all up and go home. This is pretty much garlic city.
Now, I used cheater garlic, but I used the cheater garlic equivalent of six to eight garlic cloves. And really, to be honest, I’m only saying six to eight so you think that there’s a chance that I erred down at the six end of the scale and not be like, “WHOA!” It’s eight. It’s pretty much definitely eight. I was just saying six to eight so you wouldn’t get scared. It’s eight. Mm hm.
So, basically, swoosh those around a little so they don’t burn. With these long onions, there’s a pretty distinct line between soft and deeleeshoos (as befits the recipe) and “aw, shit.”
We have eaten “aw, shit.” It can be done, but I suggest you aim for soft and deeleeshoos.
While you’re swooshing it, you’re going to make the sauce.
Just because it’s March doesn’t mean that your adorable penguin bowls are any less capable of being a sauce vessel. Don’t be so scarf-ist.
First, some soy sauce. You can use generic because I said so. As you can see, our bottle of soy sauce is pretty much running on empty. Growing up, there were things that my mother always had in the house, no matter what. I am sure every house has their own varieties of staples, and I am sure that I am not the only one for whom soy sauce is ever-present. We eat a lot of soy sauce foods. We should probably switch to low sodium. I just got to see a bunch of engagement pictures and I am super puffy.
You should put in about two teaspoons of soy sauce. You might need to add more later, but remember that you can’t take any out, so even if you really like soy sauce, be gentle. Especially because, and it may be just me, but oh man, that stuff just shoots right out of that bottle, huh?
Next comes some brown sugar, a star you may recognize from other such Potential Kitchen Disasters like Oaty Oats! Remember how I put about a fistful into the Oaty Oats?
Well, I packed up my box of brown sugar in the move and then I pulled it out to use it and it had a pretty good heft to it and I was like, excellent, I don’t need any more of THAT, I am SO on top of my life right now!
And then I looked in the box right when I needed it to cook.
Oh. Well. Hello random partial bag of yellow cake mix. Why did I save you? Why did I save you inside the brown sugar box? Why do I screw with myself SO HARD?
Anyway, there was still some brown sugar left, but not a whole ton. That’s ok, though, because you don’t need a whole ton. Probably one fistful. I put in less than a quarter of a cup. Like the soy sauce, depending on how you like things, you might want to add more later, so keep it a little less to start.
Some oyster sauce! You need a whole quarter cup of oyster sauce. If you really hate oyster sauce, I don’t know what to tell you, because you know what? I don’t actually know what oyster sauce tastes like. It’s always in things. I don’t use it very often, but when I do use it, like in Deeleeshoos Noodles, I use a lot. But I’ve never tried it all on its own.
And a note about oyster sauce – when you first try to pour it, if you’re not familiar with it, it comes out really slowly and you might be tempted to think it’s kind of like molasses and shake it really hard. Well, let me tell you, it is only slow until you’re pretty comfortable with how slow it is. After that, it’s pretty much an oyster sauce waterfall. So, BE AWARE!
Sesame oil. I use this all the time. In a lot of things. When I make something and it pretty much tastes like crap (I know, you might be shocked, considering my obvious expertise, but it happens to me a LOT!), I can usually throw some sesame oil in and it’s suddenly magically better.
Sesame oil is a super strong flavor, so depending on your tastes, you should work around a tablespoon. That is, if you aren’t sure how much you like sesame oil, or aren’t really a huge ran of it, put just a little bit less than a tablespoon in. If you do like sesame oil, you can go right at a tablespoon or a little bit over.
So this is pretty much what it looks like after you make a giant mess of it. I don’t get people who don’t make a mess when they’re cooking.
That’s what sponges are FOR. They exist SPECIFICALLY FOR MESSES. So you can feel free to make some, because there’s a THING for that.
Once you’ve got it all stirred up, you can go ahead and taste it, but I will warn you, the flavor is really pretty strong. Actually, it kind of borders on gross at this point. But you can taste a very, very little bit and if maybe it is too sweet for you, you can put in a little more soy sauce. If it’s a little too salty, you can put in some more sugar.
You can also see some of the long onions left. Remember that you put a bunch in the pan to get soft and deeleeshoos, which is good. I also like to keep some extra, though, so that you have some crunchy ones to put on the top.
At this point, go get Phil. You know how the other day I was talking about how I don’t have a strainer, and everyone was like “use a pot lid?” I was really surprised by that. I don’t have much strength or control in my fingers, hands and wrists, and I’ve known that for pretty much ever. I forget sometimes, though, that other people don’t have the same problem. When everyone was talking about how they just lift up a pot of boiling water and use the lid to strain it, I was shocked, because I can’t do that at all.
That is why I have a strainer now. And a Phil. Because I can’t even lift the pot.
After you (or your Phil) drain the pasta, you can go ahead and throw it in the pot right on top of the pretend butter, cheater garlic and long onions. Keep in mind that even though I have been sitting at my desk, plodding along with this typing for like, a hundred hours right now, the time from sticking the pasta into the boiling water to this point is really less than 10 minutes.
Dump your sauce right on top of that. I leave it on the heat on low, but I suppose you could also transfer it all to a bowl off the heat by this point. Phil and I are never on the same page about when dinner is ready, so I try to keep everything kind of warm for as long as possible. Especially if I’m making more than one thing. Because I have only ever been close to getting everything done at once ONE TIME and some DAMN KIDS RUINED IT.
Then you’ve got to stir. And remember, you’re dealing with an entire box of pasta and a thick-ish sauce here, so you’ve got to stir a lot. I like one of these wooden fork jobbers for the task, because you can twist and turn and flop it all around.
You can see in the picture that the sauce isn’t distributed evenly. That is because I am not kidding. You’ve got to be a really aggressive stir-ist. I mean like, flying noodles and splashes of sauce up on your glasses. Remember, we have SPONGES.
Eventually, it looks pretty much like this. You’ll know you’re done stirring when the pasta turns the color of whole wheat pasta instead of normal pasta.
We tried whole wheat pasta a couple of times because we felt like we should. We also felt like it was pretty gross.
Toss some of your leftover chopped up long onions on the top for some crunchiness and there you go.
I hope you enjoyed this installment of Potential Cooking Disasters With TJ!
Come back next time, when we will be making whatever I am making the next time I remember to take pictures of what I’m making!