Politeness Reliers and Non-Speaker-Uppers and Speaker Uppers.
October 3rd, 2011 | by TJ |I was answering a little survey on Things That Are Not Bagels the other day, and I came to this question:
5. If you could change one small thing abut the world, what is it and why? Not like “world peace” or anything. More like “I wish every body always brushed their teeth” or “I would eliminate all dryer lint.”
Now, while you are all busy thinking about your own answer to that question, I’ll tell you what you should really be thinking about: My answer.
Which was as follows:
I wish people didn’t do things that relied on their knowledge that most people will just take it. Like, people who cut in front of you in line because they know that chances are, a polite and normal person isn’t going to call them out. They bank on the fact that you’ll just accept their brazen rudeness, and they get away with it, a lot.
Now, since this is the Internet, I want to be clear and say that I’m not talking about people who say things you don’t like, or anything along those lines.
I’m talking about people, mostly in real life, who do things and get away with them because you allow it because you’re polite. Which means that they are pre-relying on the fact that you’re not going to call them out. Which means that they know, likely through years of practice, that they can be an asshole, because you will take it.
You know, like people who invite their friends to get in line with them when you’ve all been waiting for a very long time and are finally near the front, because they know that you’ll decide it’s not worth the hassle to do more than grumble.
Or people who snake the parking spot that you have VERY CLEARLY indicated – with your INDICATOR – that you intend to take.
They don’t do it because they’re looking for a fight – they do it because they’re banking on the fact that you’ll just let it slide, that you’d rather avoid confrontation, that your manners dictate that it’s better to just ignore it than start a fuss in public.
That’s the thing about this kind of behavior that really bugs me. It’s not just that it’s rude, it’s that it presupposes on your reaction. It’s not just rude, it’s double rude. The action itself is rude, and then the reliance on your politeness to carry off the action successfully is also rude.
This kind of stuff happens on the Internet as well, I think, but that’s not so much presupposing on your politeness so much as it is counting on the Internet groupthink about niceness as protection for being called out for plagiarism or stealing ideas or making up stories or whatever. On the Internet, you get to do something terrible, be caught doing that thing, and then enjoy the fact that anyone who ever calls you on your behavior is the asshole.
So there’s bad behavior – stealing, vandalism, eating the last donut when you’ve already had eleven – and then there’s this other behavior, bad behavior that also counts on your non-reaction. The kind of behavior that depends on you not wanting to make a fuss, or deciding it’s not worth the hassle, and just letting it slide.
It’s happened to you, right? Someone has jumped in front of you in line, or cleared off a table of “Take One” samples, leaving none for you? Or, online, copied your post a little too closely or pitched your idea where you intended to pitch it, and it just wasn’t worth getting into it?
There are people who count on that! Who do whatever the hell the want because they assume that the average person is going to be too nice to say something.
And the thing is, I usually am some combination of too nice, too lazy, and too not-into-confrontation to say anything. I don’t know if I’ve ever said, “Excuse me, actually, I was next.” Or waited until someone got out of her car to inform her that she is a dirty stealer. Or — okay, well, I definitely have called people out on their shit – lying liars and other ridiculous crap, but even online I have let a lot of stuff slide because it’s not worth dealing with not only the issue, but the scolders who follow behind to tell you that it’s better to always sweep everything under the carpet in the name of being nice.
Are you a Speaker Upper, Internet? Man, I wish I was. The Speaker Upper is obviously the nemesis of the Politeness Relier. Being a Speaker Upper is probably great, but you know what I bet feels awesome? Becoming a Speaker Upper after years of being a Non-Speaker Upper. To suddenly be all, “YOUR DOG POOPED AND I SAW IT AND I SAW YOU NOT PICK UP THAT POOP,” after years of dogs just shitting all willy nilly on the sidewalk in front of your house.
Have you ever been present, like in the line at CVS, when a Speaker Upper calls out of Politeness Relier? Oh man, is there anything more squirmy for a Non-Speaker Upper than to watch a confrontation?
Anyway, I don’t really have a point. Just… acknowledging the phenomenon. I would like to hear your take on Politeness Reliers, Speaker Uppers and Non-Speaker Uppers.
Tags: dirty stealers, just saying, people who don't let rude people be rude, people who let rude people be rude, rude people, this post actually went nowhere
By megan on Oct 3, 2011
This. This is the best answer to this question ever (speaking as a non-speaker upper). World peace is likely unattainable, but this, this we can do something about. Non-speaker uppers unite!
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By Maggie on Oct 3, 2011
I used to be friends with someone like this until I realized she was actually going to spend the rest of her life attempting to get something for nothing and, thereby, taking as much advantage of people as they would let her. Her dad was the same way so I supposed it’s learned behavior, but I wanted nothing to do with it.
I never used to speak up, but then I got old(er) and had two kids and decided I needed to speak up for more things than I used to. Now I tell people where the end of the line is, that I was next, or that free samples are for sharing. Lots of stuff I still let slide because it’s a mental struggle for me to force myself to speak up, but I figure if I didn’t speak up, I’d be showing my kids that not speaking up was the better choice and while it often may be, sometimes it just isn’t right.
My that last paragraph was rambly. Apologies!
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Sarra Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 9:03 pm
I totally agree with you. I’ve done a lot more speaking up when sticking up for my kids directly (things I would let slide if it was just me), and speaking up to show my kids that standing up for yourself can be handled with grace and respect for the other person.
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By Kristina on Oct 3, 2011
I totally agree that is so annoying and I think is a product of one of my biggest pet peeves, which is entitlement.
But I’m surprised that you’re not a Speaker Upper! I totally thought you would be. I’m not either. I’m more of a Huff and Roll My Eyes Very Energetically-er.
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By Jenna on Oct 3, 2011
I really admire the people that brook no nonsense. I am never quite sure how to do it without being mean, but maybe that’s my issue – I try to be nice about it. I also assume that, if a person is willing to ignore manners and kindness to that degree, they also would have no qualms becoming physically violent. And I think that’s my worst social fear – standing up for myself or others, and getting beaten for it. Ick.
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Swistle Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 2:24 pm
This concerns me as well: if someone is doing something they know is wrong, and they don’t care, then there is a very real chance that they will be more than willing to escalate it to more wrong things.
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Jenna Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 2:30 pm
Exactly! But then I detest myself for being so fearful and weak and letting others capitalize on my fear. I can put up a brave front just fine if I have someone to protect, but if it’s just me, then I quail under the potential of awful things. Plus, I’ve never learned how to take a punch.
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Mel Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 7:11 pm
That’s partly my fear as well. Though I’m normally quite shy, my instinct is to call someone out when they do something wrong, but I worry they’ll just make the situation even worse.
On top of that, my hubby always tells me that people willing to do something blatantly wrong really don’t care if they’re called out. They see a situation they can take advantage of and, unless they’re doing something illegal, what’s the worst that can likely happen? They get yelled at. And they dont care. They don’t care about how they made someone else feel or how they inconvenienced them. So he tries to convince me that it’s not worth me getting myself worked up about.
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By LizScott on Oct 3, 2011
You know what SUCKS? After a lifetime of not being a speaker-upper, I was blatently cut in front of in line and I was like, you know what? I’m doing this. I am speaking up. And I did, I tapped the guy on the shoulder and was like “hey man, I’m sorry, but I was already in line, so, you know [gesture towards back of the line]”
AND THEN HE SCOFFED AND SAID “SO?” AND THEN WENT TO THE REGISTER AND CHECKED OUT.
Finally sacking up to be a speaker upper and then getting exactly NO benefit for it (except I suppose the knowledge that some people are even worse than you thought they were, which seems like an undersided benefit at best) suuuuuuuuuuuucks.
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Sarah Lena Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 12:59 pm
ASS-HOLE. Oh, I’d have been unable to contain myself. I WISH I HAD BEEN THERE WITH YOU.
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Swistle Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 2:25 pm
This is INTOLERABLE. It reminds me of when someone said something extremely rude to Indigo Girl, and she bravely said “That was a very rude thing to say to me,” and he said “Yeah *shrug*.”
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Courtney Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 3:03 pm
UGHHHHH. I want to find that guy and curb stomp him or something. MAAAAAAAAN what a dick!
I finally spoke up to a woman at the grocery store not long ago for standing directly in the middle of an aisle so that no one could pass. There was a line of people behind me, waiting for me to move past her, and she KNEW we were all there, waiting. I finally said “excuse me please. I need to get through here.” She said “well you could have just said something instead of standing there making faces at me!” Okay, IF I was making faces, how could she justify standing there watching me make faces at her instead of just moving two feet to the right or left?!
The funniest part? After choosing to ignore her and continuing my shopping without another word, she FOLLOWED ME around the whole store, making the sign of the cross and saying things like “ooh jesus” “oh lord” and “save this girl!” Every time I saw her, I laughed. I hope it INFURIATED her.
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Teal Reply:
October 5th, 2011 at 4:46 am
What an utter d-bag!
This is why I really enjoy living in London now… The British are known for their excellent manners when it comes to queueing… If someone attempts to push in there is a massive amount of scary scowling and tutting.. Makes queueing at the supermarket d-bag free!
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By Sarah Lena on Oct 3, 2011
I was the non-speaker-upper for many many years until a crazy ex of my husband’s went, like, uber crazy. I let it slide for months (yes, months of ten or twelve blogs dedicated what a whore I am, etc, as well as daily emails to my WORK EMAIL about how I’m a C-word and a baby-killer, etc), and I learned then that NOT speaking up only makes them think it’s okay. Much like you’ve stated.
The one place I am unable to act is when you’re waiting in a line of traffic to use an off-ramp – everyone’s waiting, because it’s rush-hour – and someone bypasses the line, turns on a blinker, and merges at the front.
Now, if you’re not a local, I’ll totally cut you slack. But if you’ve got a local tag? I WANT TO HUNT YOU DOWN JUST TO NAME YOU THE DOUCHEBAG YOU TRULY ARE.
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Delicia Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 1:08 pm
THIS. SO THIS. Cutter-inners that are local make me CRAZY.
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Marc Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 2:23 pm
Used to get this in Toronto a lot. The cops used to setup in some of the worst spots and ticket 4-5 assholes at a time. It was great to watch.
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melissa Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 6:40 pm
omg yes yes to this. i got riled up just reading it.
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Imalinata Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 8:56 pm
Oh oh! And then there is its companion asshattery – the person who speeds down the BLATANTLY marked exit lane and then cuts back into the highway at the last second instead of taking the damn offramp!
Worst part about commuting is the other people on the road. ><
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By cindy w on Oct 3, 2011
It kind of depends on the situation. Sometimes I am a Speaker Upper, sometimes not. I guess it depends on the severity of the infraction.
For example: at some crowded event (I can’t even remember, I think it was the state fair), I was pregnant and really needed to use the ladies’ room, which of course meant that I had to wait in line. Some lady tried to cut in front of me (and the other 15 people behind me), and I piped up with a very sharp, “EXCUSE ME, we are IN LINE here, and you need to go to the back of the line, BACK THERE.” I mean, COME ON. I’m not peeing my pants because you think your bladder is more important than mine. All bladders are created equal. Or something.
But if someone cuts in front of me at, say, CVS, and it’s just generally annoying? I’ll probably roll my eyes & mutter something under my breath and let it slide.
I don’t know exactly where my line is between “not worth it” and “I will call you out publicly because you are a tool,” but it does exist somewhere in between those two scenarios.
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By Tamara on Oct 3, 2011
I’m a big time speaker upper. I always (try to) be super polite when I’m speaking up, because it always seems like little old (sneaky ass) ladies who are doing it. So I’m usually like, “oh your dog just pooped in my front yard, do you need a bag…” Or, “Maybe you didn’t see us all standing here, but we are the line, you can find the end of it back there.” That kind of thing. It’s pretty passive aggressive of me, but whatever, they’re the assholes who are shitting on my lawn, and cutting in my line.
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By -R- on Oct 3, 2011
I am a Speaker Upper in real life, and every single time, the other person has backed down. Well, one time in Las Vegas, this drunk girl tried to fight me when I called her out on her repeatedly physically pushing my friend while we waited in line, but her more sober friend talked her out of trying to fight me. And then the drunk girl almost started crying and apologizing. It was weird.
On the internet, I think mostly I am an eye-roller.
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By Yoli on Oct 3, 2011
I totally agree with you! But I learned to be a speaker upper and if I don’t go straight to the person you can be sure I will make a loud comment so they can hear me!
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By Jess on Oct 3, 2011
I spoke up exactly once. My daughter (who was probably about five) had finally got up the nerve to ask for a book recommendation at the children’s department of the library. We had been waiting for a while. A librarian sat down and started to get her stuff together. We were giving the librarian that time, and some woman just butted right in front of my daughter and started asking her question. I said, “I’m sorry. I’m sure you didn’t mean to cut in front of my daughter.” The woman got all huffy and said, “I WAS ALREADY WAITING.” But really? If you were browsing for books somewhere else and not obviously in line, you were not waiting.
Still mad about that. I also get annoyed when the person providing the service (for example, that librarian) doesn’t say, “Oh, sorry, let me help the person who was already hear waiting,” but I can see how they can not want to be speak-uppers either.
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By Brooke on Oct 3, 2011
Oh man – the POliteness Reliers really drive me insane. Like Sarah Lena said, the at-the-front cutters are super annoying. What makes them think they shouldn’t have to wait when we’ve all been patient. I was actually in front of a guy merging for road work and he stepped on the gas to get around me and nearly forced me into the other lane of traffic just to be ahead of me. And he did it because he had a huge ass truck and knew I wasn’t about to cause an accident over it. But oh, I was so pissed. being a rules follower, I am definitely the polite person the Politeness Reliers pray on, but I have told girls at da night club to move their asses away from the sink if they’re done washing their hands after waiting for 3 minutes for them to get the hint that I’d like to use the faucet. Because, you know, if I gave up and decided to just leave, they’d think I was the gross girl who doesn’t wash her hands, but clearly a 75th application of mascara and talking about their sore cooches took priority over my germs. It was a Big rush telling them to move. Take that, skanks!
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Brooke Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 1:13 pm
Ugh, and typos galore. Awesome, Brooke, awesome.
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Natalie Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 3:01 pm
Dude, gross. You probably should have slapped them with your pee hands.
Not to imply you have pee hands… but you know what I mean. Damn skanks.
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LemonFresh Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 5:00 pm
I nearly spat Bridge Mix all over my keyboard while reading this comment. Lol.
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By MLE on Oct 3, 2011
I’m a speaker-upper in public. I’ve absolutely called people out on not cleaning up after their dogs, or when someone’s cut a line in front of me, or whatever. Things like that make me almost irrationally angry and I have to deal with my anger by being a speaker-upper.
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By Bre on Oct 3, 2011
I am not a speaker upper but my husband is. True Story: We were waiting to get family pictures at one of those mall picture places a few years ago and another family was waiting also. The parents of the other family were completely ignoring their kid who was repeatedly hitting my husband with one of his toys. My husband turned to the parents and said “Would you mind controlling your kid. I do not appreciate being hit repeatedly.” I still can’t believe that he said that! It needed to be said but it still made me squeamish! The parents reaction: they huffed and puffed and stormed out.
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By Sally on Oct 3, 2011
I was a speaker-upper in high school, to the point that it probably was more “whiny bitch” than “speaker-upper.” And it was REALLY satisfying when I called someone on their bullshit and they backed down. But it was also exhausting to constantly be looking for ways that people were taking advantage of polite-ness and starting confrontations. At some point, I decided to just let it go, and, although I certainly let people get away with more shit, I am also a happier person for not getting as worked up about it.
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By Delicia on Oct 3, 2011
I am definately a speaker upper, and I admit non-speaker uppers frustrate me (*coughmyhusbandcough*).
I have done the hold-the-place-in-line thing, but I get there literally a couple hours early and NO ONE is in line. I have no problem with people in front of me doing the same.
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By Kirsty on Oct 3, 2011
I used to be a Non-Speaker Upper, big time. Then I moved to France, where civility is an unknown concept. And it drives me batshit (even though I’ve now been here almost half my life). People let doors bang in your face, don’t respect “keep right” signs on escalators, WON’T QUEUE for buses and stuff. My biggest gripe, however, is cyclists. I know, it’s eco-friendly, bla, bla, bla, but cyclists here are, by and large, ARSEHOLES. They ride on the road but ignore the highway code (crossing red lights, going the wrong way up one-way streets), they ride on the pavements and expect pedestrians to get out of their way. There’s a road right next to where I live and I have to take this road about a million times a week (back and forth to my daughters’ circus school, shopping…). It’s a one-way street, with a parallel street going the other way just one block further up. The pavement is – literally – 50cm wide (if you don’t know cm, that’s about 20″). Now, when a cyclist rides up the pavement, going the wrong way in relation to the street and expects ME to walk in the street (full of cars, it’s manic), I now refuse to move. I stand, waiting till the arsehole gets down. I find it strangely exhilarating. Except that one time the guy yelled at me, got off his bike and was about 2m tall and built like a brick shithouse… I felt pretty small and pathetic (and scared) then. But I did still (kind of) win the argument…!
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LemonFresh Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 5:03 pm
That’s really brave/awesome of you!
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Leslie Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 6:07 pm
Your daughter’s circus school? Wow.
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Kirsty Reply:
October 4th, 2011 at 12:05 am
Montpellier is “big” on circus schools – there are three that I know of and all are very popular. My girls – now 9.5 and 7.5 – have been going since they were 4 and 3 respectively. It’s great: they do acrobatics, balance work, stage presence, juggling, plate-on-a-stick-twirling, balance beam, and, my daughters’ favourite, the trapeze. It’s great for my agile but not “team sporty” girls… The end of term shows are excellent!
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sister Reply:
October 4th, 2011 at 11:43 am
This is amazing!!! If I was going to have kids I would SO move somewhere that had circus schools.
KEL, MOVE SO PENNY CAN GO TO A CIRCUS SCHOOL!
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ProudNerdMom Reply:
October 5th, 2011 at 3:56 pm
My daughter is also in a youth circus, and had a fantastic time this August at the American Youth Circus Organization festival. Check out their website to see where there are youth circuses to join. http://www.americanyouthcircus.org/
(Youth circuses are like the best of gymnastics and theater, without the anorexia issues)
By Amanda on Oct 3, 2011
When I was in middle school, people skipped in the lunch line all the time and nobody ever really did anything about it, but then one day I was having a really bad day and I decided I wasn’t gonna take that crap. So this girl cut in front of me and I shoved her back out of line and it was GLORIOUS. She actually had the gall to be offended, but I just glared at her until she went away.
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By Marcia on Oct 3, 2011
Oh man, last week I was accidentally a politeness relier! I was zipping along in the right-hand lane because it appeared to me that the construction up ahead was PAST where I needed to turn. Then, when it was too late, I realized it wasn’t. A nice person let me in, (I would NOT have, in a reverse situation) after I had just passed about 30 cars and I’m sure I looked like a big JERK. I still feel bad about it!
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By Meredith on Oct 3, 2011
I have two thoughts:
1. I think cutting in line is not cool, but in certain situations it’s ok to “save a place” for a friend in line, and it’s something I’ve done. It always makes me nervous when I’ve done it, but I’m not doing it because I think I can get away with it; I’m doing it because I think it’s OK in that situation. Like, waiting in line for seats in a theater at a popular movie opening? I or my companions were just going to save the appropriate number of seats anyway, so whether three more of us are actually in line or not doesn’t matter, PLUS a whole lot of other people are simultaneously doing the same thing.
2. I am most definitely a non-speaker-upper, 99.9% of the time. Possible exception: when true line-cutting situations happen, I usually act as though the person must have misunderstood where the line was (sometimes I think they really did, sometimes I just pretend that’s what I think), and by using that as cover, I’m usually brave enough to correct their line-cutting. But it still makes me uber-nervous. However, there is also that 0.01% of the time that I actually call people out in a confrontation-causing way, and I gotta say, it sucks. It’s rarely enjoyable. It makes me feel so sick to my stomach and angry that I was put in the situation to begin with that any feelings of empowerment or satisfaction are far overshadowed. Which is why I’m a non-speaker-upper the rest of the time.
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By Laurie on Oct 3, 2011
I am definitely a speaker-upper. I will call out ANYONE who not only cuts in front of me, but CUTS IN FRONT OF OTHERS. I am known to give a “Death Look” that can scorch through walls and frighten even the bravest man. It really makes me mad when other people are senselessly rude. Oh, by the way, I put my cart back in the cart corral at the grocery store yesterday, so you wouldn’t think I was an asshole ;-)
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imrahil327 Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 4:15 pm
Haha, I totally think of TJ too every time I see someone just leave their cart next to their car too! :)
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By Therese on Oct 3, 2011
I am a speaker upper on more occassions than not but as I’ve matured, I’ve tried to be better about determining if it’s worth it. As you pointed out, sometimes the speaker upper it the one painted as the “bad guy” after the fact and being the bad guy is never fun. Just this weekend, my husband and I were out to dinner and had horrible service. He is usually NOT a speaker upper and when he did speak up about the bad service, I about died from embarrassment. He wasn’t loud or rude or obnoxious, just quietly pointed out that the service not not good. I was really surprised at my reaction. Appartently (in my crazy head) it’s no big deal if I am the speaker upper but super embarrasing if I’m the witness…
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By sookdookster on Oct 3, 2011
I am a huge speaker-up-er, as is my husband, so you definitely don’t want to pull that bullshit around us. This a somewhat embarassing anecdote, but my husband once followed an airplane deplaning line jumper (you know, the guy towards the back of the plane who is pushing around people as they are waiting their turn in the aisle?) off the plane, asking him the whole time if he thought he was special or was just an asshat. The guy finally turned around and said, “You know what? You’re right, it was a dick move”.
Lines seem to really bring out the worst in people- like when there is one line feeding into 2 or more checkouts, and all of a sudden someone comes along, acting like they don’t understand the setup and have found this awesome secret line with no wait. People also love to pull this on the metro here. There will generally be long lines to get on the escalator and people walk to the side and then try to cut in. Sorry, it’s not going to happen on my watch.
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By Dawn on Oct 3, 2011
Not too long ago someone tried to cut me in line at a clothing store. He wasn’t exactly right in front of me, kind of off to the side, but it was clear he was trying to cut. I should have spoken up from the get-go, but instead I passive-aggressively tried to jockey for a more advantageous position to sprint up to the next register. I succeeded, and the dude had the nerve to get all pissy and started shaking his head and grumbling, even though I was CLEARLY in line before he was. The worst part was that the girl at checkout looked over my shoulder and gave him this sympathetic look, to which I had to say, “actually, HE tried to cut me!” So, post-rudeness Speaker Upper in that situation. But it just pissed me off so much that the guy was trying to make ME look like the line cutter, and got sympathy for it.
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By BKC on Oct 3, 2011
I’ve been thinking about this, and it seems like I’m only a speaker-upper if there’s an “audience,” like if I’m out with friends, or my daughter. I’ll go toe to toe for their “rights” but if I’m out by myself I’ll just let it slide. It’s not like I expect my four-year-old to back me up, but it makes me feel like I’m speaking up for a reason, not just to be nit picky. Not that I believe it’s nit picky all: I just feel like that’s how others would see my speak-uppery.
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By Cayt on Oct 3, 2011
I lived with someone like this, briefly, and had to ask her to move out, because I was done with her stealing my herbs (wtf? they’re herbs! ask!) and spending 4 hours in the bath without letting anyone know that she was planning to take a bath, and having friends over until 5 in the morning without letting anyone know, and being really loud, and overruling my boundaries, which were clearly delineated. Then I met her mother, who thought it was cute, the way she tried to take advantage wherever she could, including of her friends and family, and then I understood.
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By BKC on Oct 3, 2011
My brother is the ultimate speak-upper, and it’s basically all due to that show “What Would You Do?” hosted by John Quiñones. My brother looks at each situation like it’s his one chance to right an injustice and save the world. He got applause in a movie theater once for taking some punks who wouldn’t quit talking outside. He’s also 6’2″ and 225#, so that probably has something to do with it.
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H Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 5:55 pm
I’m not a speaker-upper but that show also inspired me to try to be a speaker-upper. I’ve been hesitant because I hate confrontation and I’m always afraid the “violator” would flip out and cause a scene and the very last thing I want ever is to be the center of attention.
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By Thanks Management on Oct 3, 2011
I think the same line type theory can be applied to those jerks that think they can speed up in the ‘soon to be ending’ lane when there is construction and it clearly states to get over.. even have flashing arrows pointing ‘Move over A-hole, The lane is ending!’ I don’t get out of the car and ‘say anything’ but I sure as heck don’t let those people cut in front of me, (and get serious road rage about those ‘nice’ people in front of me letting 14 cars cut in front of them). The bottle neck those drive cause has far more effect on their time to destination then if they just got the heck over as instructed by the signs… I have to admit.. I may not eat doughnuts, but I am always the person to finish the end of a chip bag.. even if it was just opened (like 4 hrs earlier)! I have a chip weakness! And I sure as hell am betting on the fact that my husband will just put up with it.. who is gonna argue or call out a pregnant lady! Milking it for all it is worth I suppose!
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imrahil327 Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 4:18 pm
Ugh, YES! The car-cutting enablers are the WORST. There’s an exit near the local concert venue that is not exactly large, and so the asshats who go to the concerts often drive on the shoulder PAST the line of cars backed onto the freeway, and I get SO MAD when they get let in by someone ahead of me.
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By Allison on Oct 3, 2011
My husband is a speaker upper! And actually, although sometimes I wish I could speak up, its really embarrassing to be the wife of the guy yelling at you because you cut in line.
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By Jessica on Oct 3, 2011
I actually think real-life cases of this are a lot like the internet. Someone cuts, you call them out, some people think “I’m glad someone said something”, and other more vocal people say “Geez, why couldn’t you just be NICE.”
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By Swistle on Oct 3, 2011
I am reading a book on how roughly 4% of the population is sociopathic, so now I am reading this and thinking “AH HA!! It is because they are sociopaths, and they think it’s stupid to take other people into account!! They see all such transactions as a GAME, which they will WIN because we are SHEEP and they are KINGS OF EVERYTHING!”
Now I’m even MORE pissed off about it.
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meanliving Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 6:48 pm
Now I’m going to need to read THIS crazy-making book too. I’m not sure how wise it is for me to be reading books about my kid’s behavior and cutting in info about Sociopaths (AND TED BUNDY, FTLOG) but it’s just so interesting.
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meanliving Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 6:51 pm
Oh–and while I was reading this post, I was thinking “Game Theory Game Theory Game Theory.” Those Hawkish Hawk Doves screw everything up for everybody. So it was interesting to see you thinking of it sort of the same way–that those jerks WIN by acting so jerky.
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By Elizabeth on Oct 3, 2011
Have you met A’Dell? (You will at the Blathering!) She is the ultimate speaker upper, and I am the ultimate non speaker upper, but man, she inspires me. Sometimes I just think “What would A’Dell do?” when I need to get up the guts to not take some crap from someone.
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Diane Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 6:37 pm
Ha! I’m so glad someone said this, because A’Dell is who I think of whenever I think of the classic Speaker Upper.
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Lauren Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 6:47 pm
THIS. I’m all, “WWAD?”. In fact, I’m looking forward to seeing the ways A’Dell can call people out while we’re in Austin.
I speak up sometimes. Remind me to tell y’all at the Blathering about the time I talked back to some guy out in the bagel shop who had been all huffy that I was going to sit at a table next to him with my tiny, month-old baby. I WILL go Mama Bear if someone is doing something that affects my kid.
On the car line-jumpers, it depends on the situation. If a lane is actually ending (say, three lanes narrowing to two), it’s been proven that it’s most efficient for the traffic to make use of all three lanes for as long as possible. (See Tom Vanderbilt’s book, “Traffic.”) But if someone is in a lane that’s not ending, but isn’t going the direction they want to go (say, at an exit off-ramp backup where they stay in a thru-lane until the last minute), I will RIDE the bumper of the person in front of me to keep them from getting in.
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A'Dell Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 7:11 pm
Haaaaaa! Oh, thank you. But, yeah…I am a total Speaker Upper.
Good example:
Last year at The Blathering in Chicago Maggie, Emily, Elizabeth and I were at the Hancock building for drinks on that top floor bar and there was a table being cleared off and after it was cleared off we sat down at it. (As you do, when a table has been vacated.)
After we were seated (coats off, butts in chairs) this woman comes over and is all, “Oh! That’s OUR table! The waitress PROMISED it to us!”
And I was thinking in my head, “Um, bullshit.” There is no hostess in the bar. It is open seating.
I think I looked at her like she was on crack and I said something pleasant like, “Well, we’re sitting here now.” And the lady looked very frustrated and repeated the bit about the waitress and she was quite insistent and I was sort of ignoring her because HI, BUTT IN SEAT.
So she brings the waitress over and the waitress begrudgingly admits that she said *something* to these people about how the prior occupants were about to leave and they could sit there next. Which, whatever. If this is the game the waitress is going to play, I will play it.
So I make the waitress tell us that, to our faces (and obviously this was a passing comment she made in conversation, not a “these are the rules of seating at the bar”) and then I tell her that WE want the next available table if that’s how the bar seating works. She made a face and we got terrible service that night but that is how we got to most bitchin’ table in the entire bar, next to the window. The end.
(I think Maggie was mortified. But, she survived.)
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Maggie Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 10:32 pm
As the ultimate “it’s just not worth it” kind of person, I WAS mortified. But I am also mortified that I was mortified because, seriously, that was super duper lame. I, too, aspire to A’Dell-like outrage, instead of sitting there silently berating myself: “COME ON, SELF! THAT LADY SUCKS! WHY YOU GOT TO BE SUCH A WUSS?!”
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By Marnie on Oct 3, 2011
I should start off by saying I’m, like 5′ 3″ so I’m in no way imposing and I haaaaatttteee confrontation so this whole topic is hard for me. I did once try to be a speaker upper. I was on a flight to India with some colleagues. There were 4 of us. We had a layover in Frankfurt and there was this crazy long security line because the TSA had just upped the security restrictions for any flights headed to the states and that meant everyone on an outbound flight had to go through a longer and more involved screening. So this line is like a millionty and a half miles long and there are two rows, one for coach and one for business/first class. So we’re midway through the line for business/first class and suddenly this couple just inserts themselves into the line, in the middle of our party of 4 and I can see their tickets and that they are in the wrong line.
As politely as I could I said, “the line for coach is actually that one over there” and the guy just started going off on me asking why I was in this line (I guess I didn’t look business classy). I explained that I was in business class and that he cut in front of me. He then went on to scream at me asking how I KNEW that he had cut in front of me and I pointed to the other side of him and said, “because i’m with those two people” and then he went on some tirade about how I think I’m special because I have a business class ticket and seriously I didn’t even know what to say and finally my colleague who was 6 foot something or other had to step in and basically tell the guy to back off.
So that is pretty much the first and last time I bothered calling people out on their shitty because the one time I tried I got completely bullied and screamed at and I’m too big a wuss to deal with that.
Poor me.
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By Courtney on Oct 3, 2011
I’m usually too nice or too non-confrontational to say anything, so I stand there silently fuming.
Once, my family decided to have a lazy Sunday lunch at one of those big buffet places. When we pulled in, the place was packed with probably 90% churchgoers who had just left their services for lunch. The line to get a table was nearly through the door, but we waited anyway. After about 10 minutes of waiting, a big family of 7-8 people (still in their Sunday finest) came in. Somehow, they pushed their way in front of me, separating me from the rest of my family. I tried to say “excuse me please” but they were very loud and obnoxious, complaining about the wait, etc. Finally, my mom saw that we had been separated, and asked the obvious head of the family if I could please get through since they cut in front of me. He denied having cut me, and started loudly complaining that we were just trying to cheat our way to the front of the line.
“That’s okay,” my mom said, “we’ll do the Christian thing and let you pass so we can be with our daughter.” The man immediately recanted, and made his whole family move aside so that I could get through. I thanked them, and he told me to have a blessed day, go with god, etc.
I’ve found that when you do speak up, the only reason some people tend to get defensive and confrontational is because they are actually embarrassed that they got called out, so clearly YOU have to be the asshole to make them feel better about cutting in line in the first place. Of course, some people just really do genuinely think that their time is somehow worth more than yours.
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By Natalie on Oct 3, 2011
So I was thinking I’m not really a speaker-upper, but then I realized after reading the comments that I am, but only in certain instances. So, service in restaurants or other business, I’m all about speaking up, for good or bad service. And in traffic, I will certainly not let you cut me off if I don’t think you have a good reason (e.g., there’s an exit coming up). One time I was trying patiently to merge right into the exit lane, with my blinker on, and this guy was steadily pacing me. I didn’t care if I got behind him or in front, he just needed to SPEED OR SLOW DOWN, for pete’s sake, and he wouldn’t. So I gave him a little swerve toward his bumper and he sure slowed down and let me over.
My husband is an oh-hell-no speaker-upper. He’s the guy who will pull halfway into that construction lane that’s closing, way far back, so those a-holes can’t run up the side and cut people off.
I have also recently realized that I may sometimes do rude things because I am completely oblivious. If a speaker-upper called me out on cutting in line (which I would never do on purpose) I would be absolutely mortified. So yeah, I think most people are probably taking advantage, but there are probably some people like me who completely don’t even realize they’re being rude.
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Natalie Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 3:16 pm
That should be speed UP or slow down, sorry.
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Lindsay Reply:
October 4th, 2011 at 8:26 am
I am also that guy (girl) that will pull half into the construction lane to keep people from passing me and cutting in up ahead. MAJOR PET PEEVE!
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By Elle on Oct 3, 2011
I am a Non-Speaker Upper as a rule, but occasionally I am appropriately inspired/emboldened and become a temporary Speaker Upper. This emboldening is so occasional that I can’t even really recall specifics, but I know that it has happened because the feeling of Speaking Up euphoria is unforgettable.
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By Natalie on Oct 3, 2011
Also, I know this is not the question, but if I could change one small thing about the world, people would not be allowed to wear leggings as pants. Then I could stop shrieking at the TV, and also inside my head when out in public, “those are not real pants!!!”
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LemonFresh Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 5:13 pm
Ugh. Yes. I go to university, and I see a LOT of this – and even when it’s a very attractive young woman who is wearing them, I feel like they’re just kind of parading around naked on their bottom half. Like, okay, your legs are gorgeous, but I don’t think you’re actually clothed and it’s making me uncomfortable.
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Natalie Reply:
October 4th, 2011 at 6:14 am
Exactly! I don’t care how nice your butt is, I don’t want to look at it (essentially) naked. I’m totally fine with leggings under a skirt or dress, or even a long sweater thing, as long as it covers their butt.
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By Erica on Oct 3, 2011
On the whole, I am a non-speaker-upper.
But: I’m also a teacher. And when a person is hurting my kids, I speak up. For example, I attended a high school football game on Friday with my friends, more teachers and their spouses. A family in front of us yelled about how badly the team, the coaches, the game, etc sucked constantly. Our administrator tried to ask them to stop. It got worse. We tried to drown them out with positive cheers. They got louder and more frequent. I finally got fed up, and went down to speak to them, saying that, “I know the boys are struggeling, but it’s hard to listen to the negativity. You’re being insulting to the other families and friends of the other players. Please lower your volume or get more positive.” The family got mad at me, but they quieted down. They they left, yelling into the stands that they had wasted their three dollar admission.
The sad part is that their son scored the next goal and his family wasn’t there to see him. I feel guilty about that.
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By Dianne on Oct 3, 2011
I’d like to propose an alternative perspective on the merging lanes thing. I’ve always been the person to get over as soon as a sign directed me to merge. I’m a rule follower! However, I have read from several sources that actually slows traffic, and it makes all the traffic flow more quickly if people would only change lanes close to the actual merge.
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Melissa Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 4:20 pm
Yes, my dad’s a civil engineer and has explained to me (or tried to) that when you’re merging onto a road you should always use up all the available merge lane, because it’s designed to maximize traffic flow, or some such…I don’t actually listen to the whole explanation.
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By Melissa on Oct 3, 2011
I’m a non-speaker-upper but I am trying to be better about politely speaking up, because otherwise I just seethe for way too long afterwards about the injustices. I’m sure it’s bad for my blood pressure and tooth grinding.
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By HereWeGoAJen on Oct 3, 2011
I totally just wrote about this today. And about why I am not a speaker upper. (Slightly different situations, I was getting a lecture, but I didn’t speak up because a jerk never gets their mind changed by logic.) However, I am married to a speaker upper and not just a speaker upper, but an I-WILL-KICK-YOUR-ASSER. And he’s six foot ten, so people actually quake in fear when they steal our parking space and he walks up to their car. (Now, since he is married to me, he’s never actually kicked anyone’s ass, but that is the only reason he’s never been shot or arrested.)
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By ProudNerdMom on Oct 3, 2011
I’m a speaker-upper, and regularly mortify my teenagers. I didn’t used to be s speaker-upper, but there was one episode I witnessed in a college class that made me reconsider. I spent so much time working out what I should have said when the #$%@$#% professor made a sexist allusion at the expense of one of the women in the class, and how bad I felt that no one spoke up, that I resolved to get over my shyness and speak up the next time.
I tend to speak out most now when I see smokers drop their cigarette butts on the ground. Just because they are addicted to a drug doesn’t mean they have the right to be litterers. If you hear “You know, that won’t biodegrade” or “please don’t throw your trash on the ground” it’s probably me. Especially if there is a teenager near me rolling their eyes or trying to edge away.
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Oana Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 5:56 pm
I always think I should say … “oh I think you dropped something?” but haven’t yet had the guts to do so.
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Lauren Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 6:52 pm
YES!!! Why do smokers not realize that their cigarette butts are trash?
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cindy w Reply:
October 4th, 2011 at 9:58 am
Oh I did this once. Leaving the grocery store, some redneck dropped his still-smoldering cigarette butt on the ground as we were walking past. I stomped on it emphatically and said, “My daughter has asthma, ASSHOLE.” (Which she does.) And no, it probably wasn’t appropriate for me to call someone an asshole in front of my then-2 year-old. But he deserved it. And he looked shocked but didn’t say anything in response to me.
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ProudNerdMom Reply:
October 5th, 2011 at 4:38 pm
Yes, I’ve done that too, but no “I think”.
I point to the object in question (or even pick up it up and hand them to them) and cheerily say “excuse me, you dropped this by mistake”.
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By ProudNerdMom on Oct 3, 2011
I also dream of having a roll of large, brightly colored stickers that say
“I’m special. I get to park anywhere I want”
to slap onto cars that park on the grass, or blocking handicapped curb cuts, or in the grade school’s fire lane (!) or anywhere else they don’t belong.
Now is that passive-aggressive, or what?
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LemonFresh Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 5:17 pm
It’s passive aggressive, but oh man, would it ever be satisfying.
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melissa Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 6:54 pm
omg that is genius. i so want to do this. at the local grocery there are always people parked out in front of thr curb by the video drop box and in the firelane. they think they can because they are sitting in their car but IT IS STIlL PARKING even if you are sitting in it.
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Natalie Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 7:15 pm
You can get little business-card sized cards on Etsy that read “You park like a jerk.”
I LOVE to stick them under people’s windshield wipers when they park like… well, like jerks. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.
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By Diane on Oct 3, 2011
I HAVE BEEN THE SPEAKER UPPER IN LINE AT CVS.
My mom taught me when I was two about how we Wait Our Turn and all of that, and even more than I’m a Speaker Upper, I am a RULE FOLLOWER. So we were later in line at Eckerd (okay, not exactly CVS, but CVS BOUGHT all the Eckerds here, so whatever) and this very large woman pushed in front of my mother in line. Now, my mom is also a Speaker Upper (to the point of being a MEDDLER) but she had 2-year-old me there and didn’t feel like making a scene. So since she didn’t say anything, I POKED the woman and shouted “WAIT YOUR TURN YOU BIG DUMMY!”
I’ve never heard the rest of the story because my mom DIED the moment the words came out of my mouth.
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By Oana on Oct 3, 2011
I am a Speaker Upper and a Rule Follower too! But twice in the last 6 months, I’ve been called out by random people in the neighbourhood on not picking up after my dog … who had peed, not pooped. It made me so mad!
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By Carrie (in MN) on Oct 3, 2011
I’m a speaker-upper. The other day I came into work at 8:30 and the coffee pot was empty and turned off and a half-full coffee cup was sitting beside it. My co-worker was standing at table getting a caramel roll. I said “oh, there’s no coffee!” and she said “oh, that was *probably* me, I just hadn’t made more yet” and before I really thought it through I said “you turned the pot off – you weren’t going to make more.” I said it in a friendly tone, but seriously, don’t bullshit me. Her answer was “yeah, you’re right, but I didn’t HAVE to confess it was me.” Yeah, whatever.
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maggie Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 9:30 pm
Terry Tate office linebacker would take care of that jackwagon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzToNo7A-94&feature=youtube_gdata_player
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Carrie (in MN) Reply:
October 4th, 2011 at 7:30 am
Ha! That’s awesome.
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Andrea Reply:
October 4th, 2011 at 11:55 am
I LOVE him!!
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By Anna on Oct 3, 2011
As a person who works in retail, I frequently am called on to open a register and say “I can help the next person in line” because my beleaguered coworker has a line 12 people long and the woman at the register is having trouble finding her glasses to count her pennies (or whatever).
At which point, usually, the person second (or sometimes third) in line will walk around the square register counter thing and come and start a second line. Often, when that happens, a person standing farther back at the end of the line will walk up to my register and just slap their stuff down, expecting me to ring them up, even though I’ve just made eye contact with, waved at, and invited a person who has been PATIENTLY STANDING IN LINE ALREADY to come around and be properly rung up.
So, being behind a cash register, I usually say “I’m sorry ma’am/sir, but I just invited this gentleman to come around the counter, and I’d rather not make them continue to wait, you’re welcome to be next though”.
You would not BELIEVE how many of them give me shit. One lady actually THREW HER STUFF at me, and stormed out of the store yelling “SO THAT’S HOW IT IS”. And you know what? It doesn’t bother me a bit. if I just opened a register without saying anything, that’s fine. My counter space is fair game. But you don’t get to jump the line in front of someone who has been waiting longer than you and whom I just invited around the counter.
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Megan Reply:
October 3rd, 2011 at 10:15 pm
THANK YOU! I live in a small town, manners are usually employed, but new-register-opening method of cutting happens and it makes me SO, SO MAD. good job doing your job well. lots of cashiers don’t have the balls to do it right.
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By Amy K on Oct 3, 2011
I used to be a non-speaker-upper. When I was hugely pregnant, some guy snaked into a parking spot that my husband and I had been patiently and obviously waiting for at a busy restaurant. My husband (also a non-speaker-upper) wanted to just drive off, but I opened the door and waddled my eight-months-pregnant self over to shout at this fool. I was starving and uncomfortable and the goddamn parking space was ours. And this stranger actually had the good sense to apologize and look embarrassed. He gave us the spot. Ever since then, I’ve just decided that I’d rather speak up than take crap.
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By Veronica on Oct 3, 2011
I am a total speaker-upper, because when I was not, my blood would boil OVER with rage. My stomach would be eating itself, my adrenaline would be so intense, I could not let it go. Then when I started speaking up (actually, the line ends back there *smile*), it eliminated all the rage and life was much better. Being a speaker-upper is totally the way to go.
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By LemonFresh on Oct 3, 2011
I admit I am someone who DREADS confrontation to the point where it would have to be a pretty egregious breach of manners for me to ever say anything. I am more of a stand-there-and-hope-other-people-notice-my-look-of-wronged-outrage-er.
Then again, I am Canadian – I don’t know if that has anything to do with it, but after reading the stories in comments I feel like I’ve had to deal with fewer instances of cutting in line and other general rudeness. Maybe we really are polite? Maybe I’m just lucky? (Is there anywhere else in the world besides Victoria, BC where nearly every passenger thanks the bus driver as they get off the bus?)
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By Kimberly on Oct 4, 2011
I used to be a non-speaker-upper. Then, slowly, I started speaking. I have about a 50% “success rate,” but speaking up is reward enough for me. I only speak up with line cutting, dogpoop cleaning and the occasional shopper who trashes tables at retail stores.
But get this…at my wizened age of 39, my mother is trying to hush me back into being a non-speaker. “You’ll get in trouble.” “You’ll get people mad at you.” “Someday someone might hit you.” And my favorite, “You’ve changed!” I don’t know how to deal with that, other than to hide my tiny, growing backbone when I’m around family?
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By sister on Oct 4, 2011
I remember one of the first times I got up the nerve to call out a line-cutter. And I was with MOM. I think she was mortified, and I was nervous at first, but it made me feel awesome and I do it all the time now. Worst line-cutters? OLD LADIES. Why do they think they have a right to the front of the line? I call those bitches out on their shit.
But sometimes even worse than the line-cutter is the cashier that sees it happen and says nothing. I deal with line-cutters at my job every day and flat out ignore them and do not make eye contact until they get in line where they belong.
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By Mel on Oct 4, 2011
I am a contradiction. I was raised by southern preacher’s wife who would thump me if I didn’t say please or thank you or be polite to a FAULT. She was raised by a lovely old southern lady who once (at a red light) got out of her big ol’ car with her little umbrella and proceeded to beat the shit out of a truck whose driver cut her off.
My personality is a study in contrasts! lol
For the most part I tell people to gtfo if I don’t feel like dealing with them being an asshat and I’m a notorious “excuse me but we need you to get out of the middle of the damn aisle” person. Someday I’ll probably end up in a fight! lol
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By Alex on Oct 4, 2011
I have this problem in sports. I play in a recreational league and I’m always a Non-Speaker Upper. Yes, it bothers me when people outright cheat but it’s just for fun so I’d rather not get in a fight over it. You’d be surprised how many people want to fight over a game of rec league dodgeball.
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By Lucy on Oct 4, 2011
I just recently started reading your blog and a new blog I found and both have posts on the same kinda topic, which I think is cool! The other post is about being a Speaker Upper to help out someone else rather than because someone is being an A-hole but still kinda the same thing. That post is here http://penguinandbug.blogspot.com/2011/10/kindness-of-strangers-all-wrapped-up-in.html
As for me I am a Non-Speaker Upper, I tend to do the big sigh and rolled eyebrows but nothing more. I wish I did have the guts to be the Speaker Upper type tho.
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By Sarah on Oct 4, 2011
I think working in retail has made me a speaker-upper. I used to not be, but after several years of just having to stand there and take crap from customers, I now definitely get INCENSED when people pull crap that takes advantage of other people. It’s especially bad on the roads here. It drives me CRAZY when people constantly switch lanes and cut other people off just to get somewhere faster; I’ve actually made note of license plates and car models and called the highway patrol on people who do that,because I consider it reckless endangerment of other drivers. But I also call people out for doing things like cutting in line, and I have been known to use many an unladylike word to describe parking-spot-stealers.
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By Rhonda on Oct 4, 2011
I’m a non-speaker upper for myself, but I’ve been practising speaking up lately. I can be good at speaking up for others, I hate it when I see others get walked over. I can do it for them but not for me.
I feel all squirmy and shakey and words will not be found when I have to speak up for myself. But I’m also getting sick of thinking about it later and going why can’t I care about me as much as others.
I will also honk at people when they are being asshats in their cars, but that way I don’t have to talk to them or see their face really.
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By Home Sweet Sarah on Oct 4, 2011
In recent years I’ve made it a point to be more of a speaker-upper, at least in real life.
(As for the Internet, it’s not like anyone’s ever stolen what I’ve written…HAHAHA, that would be something…but I’ve definitely seen things tweeted that I totally already tweeted and I usually just say, “OMG I tweeted the same thing last week!” and chalk it up to the people I follow having the same ideas as me and also, like you said, I’m too lazy.)
Anyway, as I was saying, in real life I’ve made it a point in recent years to become more of a speaker upper. I just don’t like myself or others being treated like shit and for some reason, having a kid (and especially being pregnant OMG) made me even more sensitive to this. Like it’s my JOB now to look after the non-speaker-uppers? God, I don’t know.
Anyway, ex: I was at the drug store and there was this guy who was FUH-REAKING out because the line was too long. He was really invading my personal space (he, uhh, might have been kind of drunk) and finally a second checker came up and asked to take the next person in line and drunkish personal space invader dude tried to be all gentlemanly by having me go, but I was like no, “You are obviously very busy and important, YOU go.” Which, okay, I guess that’s a little more passive aggressive than speaking up, but eh, I’m working on it.
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By Home Sweet Sarah on Oct 4, 2011
Oh, and by the way, I haven’t even MET A’Dell (yet! soon!) but I often think myself WWAD when it comes to speaking up. She definitely don’t take no shit from anyone and I love it.
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By Elizabeth on Oct 4, 2011
Taking it out of the personal realm, I was thinking a lot about this topic and the recent Bank of America change to charging a $5 monthly fee for the “privilege” of using a debit card, one of the most common forms of payment in the country. It seems like this is the same issue but on a macro level.
They’re naturally all about the money (you know, being a bank and all). So, the only way to get them to remove the new fee would be if enough people voted with their wallets and closed their bank accounts to go to banks that didn’t charge the fee. But how realistic is that solution? How many people will be willing to re-do all their electronic deposit and e-bill pay paperwork to save themselves $60/year?
So by relying on the population at large to be non-speaker-uppers, BofA gets to open the door to even more fees for both BofA and other banks to institute even more fees. Sigh.
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By Katie on Oct 4, 2011
Okay, so I’m going to pretend this is on-topic even though it’s extremely tangential.
I have this friend. I’ve known her since elementary school, and she’s great, but she also has/had…issues (problems with mood swings and temper, plus being a massively spoiled youngest child to divorced and rich parents). Anyway, she was, for several years, really rude to me a lot of the time and had learned to take advantage of the fact that I was the ultimate peace-keeper–once, she actually outright told me that her fight with one of our other friends wouldn’t have been a problem if I’d just let her hit me when I annoyed her. It makes my blood boil just thinking about it now, and I feel terrible for younger me for putting up with her crap.
So for years I was the ultimate non-speaker-upper, and while I still am in a lot of situations, recently when this same friend (who is way better now, and we’ve pretty much resolved our issues) was in a bad mood, she got angry with me for something I had no control over. And I just told her that I wasn’t going to talk to her while she was like this and that we could discuss it when she’d calmed down. I started reading and she stomped her foot and got angry and stormed off, and it was the greatest thing EVER. Because yeah, she was mad, but she was wrong, and I knew it, and I didn’t take her crap. So I understand the benefit of being a speaker upper, though I haven’t managed to apply it to other areas of my life yet.
WOW that comment was long. Sorry for the off-topic rambling.
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By Catriona on Oct 5, 2011
I’m a speaker-upper here too most of the time. There are simply too many selfish annoying people in the world to stay quiet all the time. My husband cringes every time I honk at an asshole driver but it gets the rage out. Especially satisfying for that particular breed of jackass who likes to pass me at the entrance of a roundabout. I would love to get out of the car and slap them upside the head, but I can’t so I honk.
Oh, and I love the idea of those ‘you park like a jerk’ cards!!
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By velocibadgergirl on Oct 6, 2011
TOTALLY agree on this one…I am not generally a Speaker-Upper, though I really wish I was. Instead I am a Take It and Then Concoct Revenge Fantasies Later-er.
Though I did tell a kid to wait his turn when he tried to cut in front of me and my toddler at the pool the other day when we’d been waiting for a changing room for ten minutes and he tried to jump in front of us. I do believe I used a Mom Voice and everything. Baby steps!
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By Fairydogmother on Oct 21, 2011
Ok, I’m late to the game & getting caught up on life (ok, the Internet) while I’m pretty much stuck on the couch these days. I’ve recently discovered that while I’m not *usually* a speaker upper (although I wish I were!), I have become a speaker upper much more often in public while injured. My arm is in a sling & brace and I’m in a lot of pain, but I still need things like groceries and paper towels, and just to get out of the house for an hour & walk around Target, ya know? And people? Are oblivious assholes. I have been bumped into, shoved, brushed against, etc SO many times & only once had anyone apologized, much less notice they just knocked into a person in a sling who immediately said “Ow!”. Last week I was out of Benadryl & of course I’m totally at the mercy if others to even get me places In the first place. So we went to Target in the middle of the day when my oartner was off work. We’re finally in line to check out, which tends to be the most ‘dangerous’ part for me. We’re next to check out, my partner is around the other end of the cart unloading our items onto the conveyor belt & I’m hanging out at the front of the cart, angling my body in awkward positions because the woman behind us keeps getting closer & closer, way beyond the point of rudely invading someone else’s personal bubble & keeps brushing against me (which, Ow!) I finally tried angling the cart awkwardly to create a little space for myself, when she threw her stuff up on the counter & on the floor, shoved past my cart knocking it in to my injured arm & then ran past to go say something to her friend (sister?) at the register up ahead. WTF? As she was shoving my own cart into my sling-covered arm, I spoke up because it HURT, pointed to the sling and said “You know, if you’d said ‘excuse me’ and given me a second I could have moved out of your way”. She ignored me. And the woman behind her acted like I was the one being a bitch. So many people are clueless to their surroundings & downright rude in their obliviousness. Enough already!
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