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August 20th, 2010 | by TJ |
Do you live in Arizona?
Do you hate Cheese Nips?
Do you just think that “Nips” is a funny word?
Do you have a flare for the overdramatic?
Do you like to foist your dramatics onto people who are working for a living?
Do you like to eat the Cheese Nips of non-dramatic people who are working for a living, while they’re working for a living, and then complain about said Nips?
Given the chance, would you work the word “Nips” into a conversation as much as you possibly could?
Do you want to be my friend?
I can’t come outside of the base and I can’t let you in but we could stand on opposites sides of the wall and chat like 1950s housewives used to do over their fences with their neighbors, except with the slight difference that security forces would probably come along and tell us to please stop loitering next to the walls of the base and they might have guns, but we’d probably have time to share a few Cheese Nips and maybe you could get me a big soda from the Circle K.
Anyway, seriously.
Be my friend. I’m lonely. Phil would really appreciate it. And I have Cheese Nip disease and no one understands my plight.
By samantha jo campen on Aug 20, 2010
Yeah, he really should have amped his response up to a 7. FOR YOUR SAKE.
I’ll be your friend. I am not in Arizona though. *drat* I can be dramatic from many states away though. I’m really good at that part.
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TJ Reply:
August 20th, 2010 at 10:08 am
Seriously. He knows. He knows I’m alone in the house with two dogs all day, every day. Can’t he just exhibit a LITTLE worry about my cheese throat? We’d both know he was faking, but it would be the THOUGHT that counted.
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By angi on Aug 20, 2010
*raises hand* I’ve got your back. I’m not in Arizona but I can send care and concern via IM like a GANGSTA! :-) Next time, just let me know before you even attempt to open a box of Cheez Nips…I’ll remind you to grab a soda before you sit down. I’m good like that.
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TJ Reply:
August 20th, 2010 at 10:15 am
See, this is why people need friends. You would be all, “Are you sure you don’t want that possibly-old-but-not-as-bad-as-cheese-nips raisin bread?”
I should totally have had the raisin bread.
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By Erica on Aug 20, 2010
Well, in his defense, he DID switch to all caps. That’s pretend concern, RIGHT?
Also, why aren’t you allowed off the base? Are you in the brig or something?
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TJ Reply:
August 20th, 2010 at 10:23 am
The all caps thing doesn’t count! He has to type in all caps for work. They were COLLATERAL CAPS.
Also, we’re not married yet, so I don’t have military ID. He brings me in and out of the base. I could leave, but I couldn’t come back!
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By Miss Grace on Aug 20, 2010
Nips. Nipples. I know too many people who say nips instead of nipples.
I don’t want to eat nipples.
The end.
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TJ Reply:
August 20th, 2010 at 6:07 pm
That’s another one of those types of people I will never actually be. The type who says nips instead of nipples.
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By Delicia on Aug 20, 2010
Well I too am not in Arizona (seeing a theme here? It’s too damn HOT there!) however I would totally have told you to have the raisin-bread-of-questionable-freshness instead of the throat-drying-cheese-nips. Except I was too busy hunting in the work break room for Goldfish crackers to eat. I’m a terrible friend. :(
I’ll do better, I promise!
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TJ Reply:
August 20th, 2010 at 6:07 pm
Goldfish are essentially fish-shaped cheese nips. You are in no better situation than I was!
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By Kelly on Aug 20, 2010
If I were in Arizona, not only would I bring you a soda from Circle-K, I’d bring you a better-than-stale-Cheese-Nips snack that, based on what I witnessed in a tweet yesterday, would likely involve chocolate. Even though I do not like chocolate. THAT is the kind of friend I am… buying things I don’t even like, for my friends.
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TJ Reply:
August 20th, 2010 at 6:07 pm
Pretty much anything trumps Cheese Nips, but chocolate would be an excellent start.
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Kelly Reply:
August 21st, 2010 at 6:06 am
My daughter agrees that anything is better than Cheese Nips, yet Cheez-Its are at the very top of her preferred snack list. They look and taste the same to me, and I don’t care for either… to the point where I’d probably starve to death if that was all that was available for snacking. Apparently, I have become a picky snacker in my old age.
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By lenniejane on Aug 20, 2010
Can you go to the Shoppette? They don’t always check ID…just say you forgot it. :/
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TJ Reply:
August 20th, 2010 at 6:08 pm
Ugh they always have the dumb 100% ID check signs at all the stores here. And also, my stupid car’s stupid battery is STUPID DEAD.
Dumb car. Dumb Shopette. Dumb no ID.
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By Bernie on Aug 20, 2010
Perfect excuse to add a tunnel to your home.
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TJ Reply:
August 20th, 2010 at 6:08 pm
I don’t think we’d get our security deposit back.
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By Becky on Aug 20, 2010
I don’t know what a Shoppette is, but it sounds like something I want in my neighborhood (or right outside my door, perhaps). I keep imagining the “canteen” at bible camp. Full of candy, chips and pop. Yum.
I would be your friend too, but MN is a LONG way from AZ. Also I am one of those lame working for a living people. Although, as is apparent from my mid-day commenting, I don’t work as hard as I perhaps should.
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By Julie on Aug 20, 2010
Have LadyJess come visit, she can use her ID to get you off/back on the base, then you can buy your own giant soda and chat about cleaning up dog hair.
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By Natalie on Aug 20, 2010
I thought Brinkley had learned to … um … do something related to rolling your chair to the fridge. Couldn’t he get you a soda?
And boys totally don’t get the fake-concern thing. It really counts for something, you know?
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By Bre on Aug 20, 2010
How about a soda from QT? They have better ice than circle K.
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By Nona on Aug 20, 2010
I would totally be your friend if geography were not separating us by 1,000+ miles. And sending snacks and beverages through the Internet is A. Lame and B. Not refreshing.
Also, I don’t find it a good use of my tax dollars to keep you a hostage on the base. If preventing a woman from dying of Nip disease is in the interests of homeland security, then indeed the terrorists have won.
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By Stephanie Lueras on Aug 20, 2010
I wish I still lived in AZ…I have chaplain access to the base so I could get in to visit you!
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By thepsychobabble on Aug 20, 2010
I can’t eat cheeze nips because the word “nips” makes me giggle. Apparently, deep down inside, I am a 12year old boy.
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By Mugician13 on Aug 20, 2010
While I deeply empathize with your predicament, I feel I have to state for the record that Cheez-Its are infinitely superior to Cheese Nips.
Sorry. It’s just the way it is. Feel free to ban me from ever reading your blog again.
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By Laurie on Aug 20, 2010
nips is funny….huh…huh..
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By Dinsdale on Aug 20, 2010
I, too, am totally willing to be your friend, but as you know, I live very far away from Arizona. However, this does mean you could complain about the most mundane things and I’d be all, “79 cent sodas?! You truly live in the land of milk and honey.”
(My life is very sad, apparently.)
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By Kellie on Aug 23, 2010
I can send a care package :) I promise, no Nips, Its, or other flaky cheesy funk. (I have a direct line to PA Goodness…being a transplant myself!)
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By Alicia C on Aug 23, 2010
I will be your Nip-loving friend.
I will stay far away from your base walls, though. The security forces with the guns sort of…frighten me.
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By AJ on Aug 24, 2010
cheese nips. Recipie for disaster. They always end up stale, however you fail to realize this until there is a handful of them in your mouth but by then, it’s too late right? Bleck…stale cheese nips…
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