Night fights
July 16th, 2009 | by TJ |Phil and I largely get along. Obviously. It’s a little worrisome, even, that we haven’t even had one major fight. Of course we have our disagreements and sniping at each other, but it’s more eye rolling and walking away than it is actual fighting. Discussions and decisions take one of two paths. Either,
1. We agree, as we generally do on most things, or
2. The issue is of significantly more importance to one person than the other, so the party who cares the least just goes along.
For example, when it comes to grocery shopping, lists, coupons and sales are my thing. He’d be happy to just wander through the aisles, tossing stuff into the cart as he goes. While shopping with my method is a bit of a pain to him, the extra time in the grocery store is not worth fussing about to him. Coupons and sale shopping and sticking to a list and price comparisons just don’t matter to him. Conversely, if he picks up diet soda for me on his way home, I can take one sip and say, “I think I’m drinking full price soda. AM I DRINKING FULL PRICE SODA? YOU KNOW I HATE FULL PRICE SODA!”
Example two, laundry. I prefer to wash everything on cold and call it good. Phil likes to sort. He sorts blues and blacks and whites and darks and little interesting piles that I don’t quite understand… and then washes them all on cold. It’s how he likes it done. To me? Silly. However, it’s easier for me to just separate the laundry into piles that seem to imitate what he does and wash them that way than it is to have the “But you’re washing them all on cold ANYWAY!” discussion one more time.
However, there is one circumstance in which we are finding ourselves fighting more and more often. Actual fighting, with shoving and bitching and tantrums and huffing. And that circumstance would be in bed.
No, not that kind of in bed.
Actual in bed, like sleeping.
We have started actually fighting, through the night, in our sleep. Kicking blankets, shoving each other, complaining, near yelling:
“Get OFF!”
“Roll over!”
“Move! Your! Leg!”
“Get back on your side!”
“Stop putting the covers on me!”
“I’m hoooooot.”
“You woke me up!”
“I’m cold.”
“Stop touching me!”
“You are snoring. SNORING!”
Neither of us wake all the way up during these fights, but we actually wake up in the morning annoyed at each other. Today, when Phil’s alarm went off, he asked if we were getting up to exercise as we intended, and I bitchily replied, “No, you kept me up all effing night last night.” To which his response was, “No, you kept ME up.”
Neither of us was up. We were just sleep fighting. We are fine all day, every day, and then at night, unleash the fury.
Bottled up anger? Repressed feelings? You may say so, but I disagree, and I’ll tell you why.
This comes down to one simple factor.
He’s doing it wrong. It’s the only answer. Phil is just not good at sleeping. He does it incorrectly. He’s a sleep failure. We wouldn’t night fight so much if he would just make the effort to sleep correctly. I mean, honestly, people, is it really that hard?
By mj on Jul 16, 2009
Time for the king size bed. It doesn’t get rid of the “bed fights” but it can reduce them. For a while.
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By Adlib on Jul 16, 2009
Totally agree with MJ! I don’t know how my husband and I survived for 7 months in a full size! We finally realized it was time to get a new bed when we really did want to kill each other. I still don’t know how we got our large selves in that full size. It may as well have been a twin. Now I feel like he’s in a different zip code when we sleep; it’s nice. ;) Except for when he wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring.
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By Riverter on Jul 16, 2009
Listen to Adlib and mj, they speak the truth, when it comes to bed’s they can’t be big enough, besides when you decide that you actually want to get close to each other (assuming that you do that) then you have the fun of chasing each other down and you get extra exercise.
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By Vronak on Jul 16, 2009
Maybe it’s not Phil at all but the dog…
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By Melme on Jul 16, 2009
LOL! Me and my hubby have the same problem! We really need to get a king size but we have a small bedroom and wouldn’t be able to walk around anymore. I used to have a queen all to myself and I don’t like sharing… We need a new apartment, THEN a new bed. :)
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By teh Khol Abides on Jul 16, 2009
In my experience, it’s always the women who sleep wrong. They are the ones that are super picky about sleeping circumstances, surrounding and accouterments.
Men pretty much lie down, find a comfortable position and then stay that way through the night.
Short version: I suspect, dear TJ, that it is YOU who are doing it wrong.
>.>
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By Kelly on Jul 16, 2009
I’ll have to disagree with teh Khol Abides. I am quite definitely of the female persuasion, yet sleep pretty much as he describes how men sleep. My quite-definitely-male spouse cannot lie still for more than 10 minutes. I often have bruises on my legs and hips where he’s kicked me, and I thought for sure the elbow to the face the other night was going to lead to a black eye. (Fortunately, it did not. But it sure as hell HURT.)
Sadly, having a king size bed hasn’t helped much. Why not? “But honey, I want to be CLOSE to you!!!” Ah, if only he WOULD sleep in a different zip code. Sigh. It’s a good thing I love him so much. ;)
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By Jamie Harrington on Jul 16, 2009
haha we each have our own comforter… works like a CHARM!
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By Capn John on Jul 16, 2009
A standard King-sized (aka Eastern) is 76″ wide x 80″ long.
A California King (aka Western) is 72″ wide x 84″ long.
The wife and I are both tall (also I’m a little on the broad side…wide, not fat :P) so we love the extra length of the California King.
It sounds like you guys may be more concerned with width than height, so you’re probably better off with the standard King (in case you run into both standard and Cal-King matresses) which gives each of you 38″ or over 3′ of room…or however you want to divide it up.
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By Kestrel on Jul 16, 2009
As has been said: Get. A. Bigger. Bed. With the pets, King Size is the only size. Thirty-five years of experience, remember? Trust me on this one. :D
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By Luckedout on Jul 16, 2009
Yep. King sized bed saved our sanity and probably allowed my wife to convince me about having our 2nd son. After sleeping together on a full, then dealing with a pregnant woman on a full size bed, I about got a hotel room just to get some sleep. Instead I went and bought a king sized bed and we’ve been blissfully ignorant of each other every night since.
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By Awlbiste on Jul 16, 2009
I have already informed my boyfriend that when I move there our first purchase is going to be a king size bed.
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By Sass on Jul 16, 2009
Shmoo and I are on the verge of getting a king. The queen I’ve slept on for years just isn’t cutting it anymore. Between Mr.-Steal-All-The-Covers-And-Then-Whine-Cause-I-Am-Hot, the dog who has decided that sleeping on top of one pillow but underneath the one I am actually using, and the cat who sleeps on my feet and attacks if I dare to move them… I desperately want that bigger bed. Or small twin. Alone.
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By Melissa on Jul 16, 2009
My husband travels, and I have to say I am much happier (at night) when he is gone. He, however, does not share my sentiments. Heaven help me when he retires.
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By Liz on Jul 17, 2009
King size bed is the only way to go!
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By Julie on Jul 17, 2009
Yes! to King-size bed. However…. get a SUPER King-size duvet & cover. That way you get the real estate to sleep in, and fight less over the covers too. If you keep the same size duvet as you do a bed, one of the two of you are going to be a hogger, and the other will have to scooch closer just to stay warm, and then what is the point of a large bed.
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By Shawndra on Jul 17, 2009
Left to their own devices, men will take the whole bed. We must fight for our fair share! I know I have actually punched my husband a few times (he has bruises as proof, though I don’t remember throwing them) when he has crossed the delicate line that is my personal space while I sleep.
I don’t take much, just the right side edge, one leg and arm dangling off the side. You’d think 2/3 of the bed would be enough, but noooo.
He’ll be bruised a lot more until he learns his place.
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By Zorlak on Jul 17, 2009
They’re all lying to you!!! If you can’t sleep together, don’t. separate bedrooms ftw. And when you feell lonely you can ask hubby, your apartment or mine?? What about both??
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By Moonesonet on Jul 17, 2009
Now you understand why the shows like leave it to beaver the parents had separate beds or why my grandparents did. Recommend a King size bed, because your lucky if you can find the other person. Especially if you go with a California king which is larger than a normal king. Learning to sleep with someone day in and day out is not a easy thing. Hell my wife has a snore that can wake the dead sometimes. I cope by wearing earplugs the downside is I don’t hear our daughter get up so she ends up being the one to get up 99% of the time with her at night. Its also things like this which makes me say everyone needs to live together for 1 year before they get married even though most parents cringe and frown on that. But you learn sooo much and many marriages end because they find out to late they really can’t stand the small annoying habbits that you don’t find out about like sorting laundry, squeezing of the toothpaste, or drinking from the milk jug, until you live with the person.
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By Bernie on Jul 17, 2009
Ah yes the joys of sleeping in the same bed. I’m a toucher, I have to touch my sweetie at night. She’s a touch me NOT. I can truthfully say after 35+ years we have finally reached an agreement we can both live with, I do NOT touch her while she’s sleeping. It seems to work pretty well for her, not so much for me but oh well.
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By Delicia on Jul 18, 2009
Definately make sure you have the King size bed, it is sooo nice to be able to spread out if you want without having to overlap on each other. You can always meet in the middle if you wanna snuggle. The only problem I have is that my husband tends to toss and turn alot, probably because we need a new mattress, and I’m a light sleeper so he keeps me up all night. We’re going to try out a tempurpedic mattress to see if that cuts down on the movement transfer.
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By FIrefoxy on Jul 19, 2009
“I mean, honestly, people, is it really that hard?”
guess not if you’re actually sleeping ;)
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By Aboo on Jul 20, 2009
Go to bed at different times. Doesn’t matter how small your bed is if the one who sleeps deeply goes to bed first.
Then you have no issues. Unless the deep sleeper is also the snorer. :)
Luckily, I snore and my wife sleeps deeply. So she goes to bed and about 45 minutes later, I do. Problem solved. If I feel like “snuggling” I just wake her up! >:)
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By Kayeri on Jul 23, 2009
Answer: King bed, and while you sleep on the same fitted sheet, you have separate full-sized sheets and/or blankets on top… easy to cuddle when you want, and then curl up under your own covers when its time to go to bed. :)
If you are really neat, you can have a king-sized bedspread on top to hide it all during the day. :)
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By Tigerfeet on Jul 30, 2009
I once broke my husband’s nose in my sleep. True story, I woke up and rolled over and wondered why there was blood all over his side of the bed. He? Spent the rest of the night on the couch after he popped the thing back into place.
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