More recent annoyances – Sorry! and Well, maybe…
August 23rd, 2010 | by TJ |Apparently, I become annoyed by things in twos. I’m the Noah of being pissed off.
Anyway.
Sorry!
Sometimes people say really obnoxious things, and then add this “Sorry!” immediately on to the end, except it’s not just “Sorry!” like a sincere apology kind of sorry, it’s this “I know I’m being super cheeky/kind of a dick/lame so I’ll just say ‘Sorry!’ with this stupid grin and you’ll let it slide.” And the thing is, normally, that’s not a big deal. I don’t even notice.
Except sometimes? SOMETIMES? The thing the person said doesn’t actually apply to me, or doesn’t annoy me. So instead of just not being bothered by it, I focus on that “Sorry!” Like, “Hey, I was just looking through your Facebook album. The pictures are great, but did you notice that there was a gum wrapper in the background? It really ruins the look of some of the pictures! Sorry!” Ok, weird example, because who gives a shit about the gum wrapper, right?
THAT’S EXACTLY IT. Who gives a shit about the gum wrapper? No one. Not me. Yet someone pointed it out. No big, because the gum wrapper doesn’t bother me. (This is a made up gum wrapper, so don’t stress yourself out searching my Facebook albums.) But instead of just blowing it off, I start thinking about that “Sorry!” Completely unsolicited. It’s not like I said, “Hey, pointing out that gum wrapper made me unable to see anything but the gum wrapper when I look at those pictures now, and I think you knew that would happen when you said it,” and then the person would respond, “Sorry!”
No, the sorry is PREEMPTIVE. Because they assume they are saying something that will bother you or annoy you or otherwise upset you. So they get the “Sorry!” in there first. Not a sincere “Sorry” or a gentle apology, but a “Tee hee! I’ve ruined something for you, aren’t I cheeky!” kind of “Sorry!”
If you’re saying preemptive “Sorries!” you know you’re being an ass candle, so why are you even saying what you’re saying? Think about the words you’re about to say. If they require a genuine, deeply felt apology, that’s one thing. If you find yourself compelled to add a giggly little “Sorry!” onto the end, take a second and ask yourself why you’re such a bag of dicks.
To quote Brien, who was actually quoting George Constanza (but you have to trust me, it was way more hilarious when Brien said it), YOU CAN STUFF YOUR SORRIES IN A SACK.
Well, maybe…
The “Well, maybe…” is the most obnoxious kind of blog comment in existence, though I reserve the right to shuffle the order of “most obnoxious” as it suits me from day to day. Today, the “Well, maybe…” is the absolute MOST WRETCHED THING I can think of.
The “Well, maybe…” is when you make a blog post complaining about something, as is your right as a blogger, and you get commenters who seem to go far out of their way to come up with an obscure set of circumstances in which you are actually an asshole for being annoyed.
Like, recently, I read a story describing the rudeness of a house guest. This guest treated the house like a hotel, coming and going at all hours, made messes, ignored her hosts, and a wide range of assholey and presumptive behaviors. One of these behaviors included clogging and overflowing the toilet and doing nothing to help with the emergency clean up aside from a flippant, “Whoops, did I do that?”
Basically, it was one of those stories of jaw-dropping rudeness that we all really love to read.
First comment I see?
“Well, maybe… your guest had IBS and that’s what caused her to clog the toilet. You should be more considerate of others,” or some shit along those lines.
There is always a commenter, ALWAYS ONE, who wants to yank out the “Well, maybe…” to excuse the behavior of someone else, or to explain away a situation they were not even remotely involved in, for the seemingly sole purpose of making the writer look like an asshole.
Like, if I was to tweet, “Some butt mouth teenager on the bus stretched his legs across two seats on a crowded commute and wouldn’t let anyone sit down,” most people would respond along the lines of “That sucks!” or “Down with teenagers!” or “Kick him in the jimmy!” But there would always be that, “Well, maybe… ” person.
“Well, maybe… the kid has a bad home life and never gets a whole seat to himself, did you think of that?”
“Well, maybe… the kid was on his way to have his legs amputated and wanted to stretch them out one last time, did you think of that?”
“Well, maybe… they were someone else’s legs and he was just holding them, did you think of that?”
No, I didn’t think of that. No one thought of that. That doesn’t make me an asshole, that makes you… well, I don’t know what it makes you, but it doesn’t make you ANYTHING GOOD.
“Well, maybe…” people like to pop up whenever you complain about a non-handicapped person parking in a handicapped space. ALWAYS. “Well, maybe they have a disability you can’t see.”
Ok, yes. I’ll allow that. Except they had no placard or special plate.
“Well, maybe they forgot it at home.”
Ok… I can kind of allow that, except no, because without the placard, you’re not entitled to the spot, handicapped or not. But anyway, say they left the car running, leapt out, did a handspring into the store and came bounding out with beer.
“Well, maybe they have handspring disease and the only cure is beer.”
OH MY GOD.
A long time ago, I proposed a rule. If you park in a handicapped spot and you have no placard and you have no license plate notation, it should be perfectly legal for someone else to throw a rock through your windshield. Personally, I think that would put a stop to the whole thing. Go ahead and risk running into the store for two seconds, but don’t be surprised to find a rock in your passenger seat when you come out.
Of course, my brilliant proposal was shot down in many ridiculous and obscure ways by people with a serious case of “Well, maybes...” Admit it. Some of you read that and immediately started composing mental “Well, maybes…,” probably about having the wrong car that day or losing the placard or WHAT IF MY BABY BUNNY WAS SITTING IN THAT CAR?
Well, maybe… I’d feel sorry about putting a rock through your windshield. Maybe.
Anyway, the point is not handicapped parking and who can and can’t park there (although it seems to me to be perfectly clear – people with designated plates and placards can park there, others cannot. Go park in one of those stupid baby spots, no one is going to ultrasound you on the spot). The point is, “Well, maybe…” people are obnoxious.
The next time you find yourself about to “Well, maybe…” someone, stop for a second. Think about what you’re about to say. And then don’t say it. Because, come on. Shut up.
By avasmommy on Aug 23, 2010
I hate when someone rains on my parade of justified complainery. (is too a word. I just made it up.
Well, maybe those people should just STFU.
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TJ Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 12:09 pm
COMPLAINERY. The #1 reason to blog.
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By Dr. Maureen on Aug 23, 2010
How do you get handspring disease? Is it contagious? Is there a handspring disease colony somewhere? Like a leper colony, only for people with handspring disease instead? Do you have directions to this colony?
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TJ Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 12:09 pm
It only exists in the minds of people who make up ridiculous circumstances just to burst any bubble they can find.
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Dr. Maureen Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 12:27 pm
Pity. ‘Cause I like handsprings, and I like beer.
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By Kelly on Aug 23, 2010
Ha. I’m totally behind you on the rock through the windshield of handicap spot violators. Not that I’d toss a rock through a window because I’m not great with the throwing, and the rock would probably just plink off and roll under the car. But spray paint? Sure. I could do that.
The whole “well maybe…” thing happens in real life, if you can believe such a thing! I used to work with one of them. I wanted to punch her in the nose. Being the good person that I am, I never did. But I had fantasies, yes I did.
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imrahil327 Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 12:03 pm
Yeah, I’m all in on the rock thru the windshield window.
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By BKC on Aug 23, 2010
If I didn’t know it annoyed you so much, I would totally post a one-word sentence comment. It would say:
THIS.
But I won’t do that. ‘Cause it might annoy you. Sorry!
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TJ Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 12:08 pm
One word comments don’t annoy me, but they do tend to get caught in the spam or moderation filter!
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By Bennet on Aug 23, 2010
The “Sorry!” thing had me gritting my teeth. What I think of as the in-person corollary: someone being rude, insensitive, or otherwise a jerk and when they realize you’re getting hostile say, “I was only joking!” in a cheap attempt to deflect the tongue-lashing they so richly deserve. It’s all about the preemption…
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By Becky on Aug 23, 2010
I love you and your blog.
That is all.
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By Brien on Aug 23, 2010
Oh. My. God. I got about 4 paragraphs into the post, then opened it up in a new tab so I could post a comment about how disappointed I was that the title wasn’t “You can stuff your sorries in a sack.”
Then I read the rest of the post. I had totally forgotten about using that quote in conversation, but I was about to do it again, before you reminded me.
Thanks for the shout out!
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By Delicia on Aug 23, 2010
In correlation with the “Sorry”, is people that type something completely idiotic, or offensive, or just annoying as hell, but then add an “lol” or “haha” at the end, like that will make it ALL BETTER and excuse their complete assholery. And the people that tend to do that, do it A LOT. It makes what to me was just annoyance at their stupidity into full-blown rage.
I think the “well, maybe…” people are self-righteous sanctimoneous asshats who have nothing better to do than feel superior for their holier-than-thou attitudes about giving EVERYONE and EVERYTHING the benefit of the doubt. Screw that.
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By Swistle on Aug 23, 2010
I hate “sorry”s for two reasons:
1. They more than double the insult of the comment. If someone says on one of the baby name posts, “I really don’t like any of the name choices,” that’s…okay. I mean, I don’t know why they’d volunteer that, especially if they’re not going to suggest any themselves, but fine. But if they say, “I really don’t like any of the name choices, sorry,” it’s WAY WORSE and NO LONGER FINE.
2. It assumes that what they’re saying is an attack on me that they need to apologize for. Which means they meant it that way. Which is almost always stupid in an exasperating way that can’t be argued with.
I hate “well, maybe…” because it’s like they think finding a single exception to a situation means ALL THE OTHER situations aren’t wrong. Also because they sure are good at giving other people Benefit of the Doubt XTREME for even large violations, but they are smacking ME down for something very very small.
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TJ Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 12:41 pm
Someday, when I’m rich with tons of money in a stack that I sit on, one of the things I’m going to do with all of my money is to hire you to be on my staff.
I will write blog posts that are thousands of words long, and people with nothing better to do will read them, but busy people will be able to come along and read your summations, which always make the points way faster and way better.
WE WOULD BE AN UNSTOPPABLE TEAM. And by unstoppable, I mean that I’d be rich and I’d pay you an exorbitant salary for 12 minutes of work a day, so we’d probably feel pretty unstoppable in general.
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TJ Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 12:41 pm
WE COULD CALL IT SWISTLE-NOTES.
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TJ Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 12:41 pm
(like Cliff’s Notes, but with Swistle, if that wasn’t clear.)
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Miss Grace Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 12:48 pm
Co-sign.
Swistle Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 12:51 pm
Ooo, I can do that one shorter, too: “You said what I said. Congratulations, genius.”
YES, totally agree, and can we have couches in our offices? And can we be within walking distance of a fast-food district?
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By Miss Grace on Aug 23, 2010
Well maybe….dammit. I wanted a REALLY GOOD well maybe for this post, but I’m never any good at them.
Sorry!
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DDStL Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 12:57 pm
/snort
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By Jessi on Aug 23, 2010
Okay, I’m going to go out on a limb here and risk death. Well, maybe…
I totally do the sorry thing, but it’s not because I’m being cheeky, it’s because I am a hot mess of insecurity and I am always terrified of pissing someone off. Not that this applies to everyone, by all means, be pissed at all those people except me. (Did I sufficiently undo the wellmaybeness of this comment?)
Anyway, I’ve never thought of it from that perspective, and now I will try to, but I have to warn you, that’s it’s only adding to my neuroses. Sorry! (ACK!)
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Bellwether Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 1:35 pm
I do this too. I say “sorry” a lot not because I am sorry, but because I’m afraid I will be. People are obviously scary for some reason, and I have to compensate for any possible offense. D:
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TJ Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 2:03 pm
That’s really not what I was describing, but it does almost qualify as a “Well, maybe…” Heh.
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Bellwether Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 3:37 pm
OH NO I DID IT WITHOUT REALIZING IT
SORRY
T___________T
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Melme Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 1:55 pm
Ditto. I’ve done the “sorry” thing before, but in a completely twitchy, insecure, “please don’t hate me!” sort of way.
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Liz Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 7:10 pm
Ah-ha-ha! No, no, I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at the memory of a friend who did this. Every single time any of us would complain about anything, this guy would say “Sorry.” Really. “I totally blew that test.” “Sorry.” “I have a hangnail.” “Sorry.” Every. Time. We finally just made it one of our group in-jokes, because the alternative was to be annoyed by it. “Ow, I stubbed my toe.” “Jeff is sorry.”
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Jessi Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 6:10 am
I do that, too. However, I maintain that there are two definitions of the word sorry. One is an apology, like, “I’m sorry I ate the last of the ice cream.” The other is being regretful that something bad has happened. For instance, if I say, “I’m so sorry to hear that your cat died,” I am not in fact, admitting to killing your cat. So, if I say I’m sorry that you stubbed your toe, I’m just saying that I’m sorry that happened, not apologizing for it. My husband gets really annoyed and yells at me to quit apologizing a lot, when I am just expressing regret that things are not going better. It’s weird, but there it is.
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M.Amanda Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 7:59 am
“I’m sorry” is how I express sympathy for my husband’s bad day. He always responds with “It’s not your fault.” Yeah, I know. I’m not taking credit for making your boss act like a jerk, just saying that I wish he didn’t. I wonder how my funeral would go? “I’m sorry for your loss.” “Wait… is this a confession?”
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By Ashley on Aug 23, 2010
Well, maybe you should just be happy you can pee at all. Some people can’t. Did you ever think of that?
(I had to! Sorry!)
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By Melme on Aug 23, 2010
I have to admit that I “Well, maybe…” at my husband and a couple of our sarcastic, asshat friends just to be obnoxious, but I already know that I annoy them, so it’s cool.
We are all completely aware that it is done in a joking “Top that!” kind of way and we have a laugh about it. People that do it seriously? No. Not cool.
(And I firmly agree with your windshield policy! Brilliant!)
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By Carrie on Aug 23, 2010
I’m a well, maybe person. BUT I try my hardest not to throw them at random people on the internet. They’re more of internal rationalizations for the general asshattery of the world around me. Like, OMG, that person just totally cut me off. Well, maybe their wife is in labor. And I sigh resignedly and go on with my life.
And on a less-related note, I can’t even think about parking in a handicapped parking space without that Mall of America scene from Drop Dead Gorgeous going through my head. “I told ya I’d move the car if a cripple came!” I mention this in the vain hope that a. you have seen this movie, and b. you love it as much as I do. It’s immensely quotable.
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By Fyurae on Aug 23, 2010
I’ve always thought that a non-handicapped handicapped-parker should be fair game to be run over. Then maybe they will be handicapped. Problem solved. Though, what pisses me off even more are people who get handicapped placards for being FAT. (I am obese, but I haul my butt across the parking lot because its my own fault.)
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Bernie Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 2:32 pm
/agree They need fat parking spaces at the far end of the parking lot. I can use the exercise.
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By Bernie on Aug 23, 2010
As far as the parking thing goes it is one of my pet peeves. I firmly believe that only vans with wheelchair lifts should use handicapped spaces.
What is needed for those scofflaws is a big sticker that you can place on their windshields that says “Now you are truly handicapped”. Make them really hard to get off!
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By M.Amanda on Aug 23, 2010
I had this whole explanation of why I think I’m a “well, maybe” person and feel it’s necessary sometimes, but then realized it would be a “well, maybe” comment.
One thing I don’t do that with – if you don’t have a placard or special plate, either park in a non-handicap spot or go home.
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By thepsychobabble on Aug 23, 2010
Well, maybe if you considered EVERY single POSSIBLE set of rare, unusual and unlikely circumstances, you wouldn’t have this problem. Sorry!
**runs and hides**
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By Angella on Aug 23, 2010
Well, maybe…I kind of love this post. LIKE BUTTON.
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By Kimberly on Aug 24, 2010
I am Ms. Well, maybe in real life. But it keeps me from being ragey when people are rude.
I say, “hello” to one of the elderlies who live in our apartment building. She glares at me and walks by wordlessly, as our elderlies are wont to do these days (did all the polite members of the Greatest Generation pass away?). Rather than say “hel-LO?!?” I think, “well maybe nobody called on her birthday” or “well maybe her check is late.” Then I feel sorry for her because she’ll be eating ramen alone on her birthday and just move on.
I don’t comment that way though. People are allowed to vent on their own blogs.
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By Jenni on Aug 24, 2010
The “sorry” thing is kind of like the, “No offense,” thing, you know, where someone says something offensive but either proceeds or follows the remark with “No offense!” Like, if someone comes to visit your house and says, “No offense, but you house is really dirty.” The only reason a person says, “No offense” is because they know good and well what they are saying is going to cause offense, and simply saying, “No offense” does NOT nullify offending statements. If you think you are going to offend someone, either 1) don’t say whatever you were going to say; or 2) wear your big girl panties and be ready for someone to be offended.
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TJ Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 10:23 am
Ugh. “No offense.” I can’t believe people still say that.
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By Brad on Aug 24, 2010
Well maybe, you should share that blog post. I would love to read more about that IBS-having MF!
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TJ Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 10:22 am
Oh, I don’t even remember where I saw it now. I read it, and when the first comment I saw was a “Well, maybe…” I immediately closed the tab and moved on. Nooo thank you.
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By Lindsay on Aug 24, 2010
Best final line EVER.
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TJ Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 10:21 am
HIGH FIVE.
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By lak on Aug 24, 2010
I do the “Sorry!” thing to my girlfriend all the time. But I do it when I tell her something that I know she won’t appreciate.
“Hey, remember how we had plans on Saturday? Well, apparently my buddy is having his bachelor party that day. Sorry!”
Sorry is really just a form of an apology … “I’m sorry this isn’t going to work out the way you wanted it to, but there’s nothing I can really do about it, so I will offer my condolences in the form of a single word … sorry!”
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TJ Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 10:21 am
As I said above, that’s just not the same thing I was describing. You’re not saying anything you know to be insulting or offensive. You’re just using the word “Sorry.” Which is different.
However, providing a circumstance in which the thing that annoys a person should not actually annoy them IS a pretty good example of a “Well, maybe…”
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