Long-winded reasons for not doing stuff.

January 4th, 2012 | by TJ |

I have this to do list of things that I am supposed to have put here by now, so sit back and listen to me tell you why I haven’t put them here.

1. Penny’s 8 month post. I know I’m not going to keep these posts up forever, and like last month, I’m wondering if this is going to be the month that it finally stops, but I HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS. It’s just that every time I go to take the picture with the bears? Penny throws up on herself. Enough to ruin a picture, but not enough to justify changing her outfit.

“Oh my GOD. I ALWAYS change my baby’s clothes when he pukes on himself! ALWAYS!!”

WELL INVITE ME TO YOUR AWARD CEREMONY FOR MOTHER OF THE PLANET AND I PROMISE TO FEEL SUITABLY INFERIOR.

I hope this isn’t the month I finally allow my true laziness to come through, though, since this was the month that contained Penny’s first Christmas, as well as some actual milestones. Like WAVING. You guys. She waves and waves. Last night she wouldn’t sleep, so she was laying in our bed, and it was like she was COMPELLED TO WAVE. And she waved and waved, but she only waves with her left hand, and she was laying down. So it wasn’t so much waving as it was a rhythmic slapping of Phil’s face while he tried to sleep.

I’m not going to lie, Internet. It was hilarious.

Seriously, though. She wants to wave when she should be sleeping. I don’t know how to communicate to her that she’s pretty much nailed it and doesn’t need to practice anymore. Not very Tiger Mom of me, I know.

2. Our trip to Pennsylvania for Penny’s first Christmas. Penny was an amazing traveler. She got all kinds of compliments about her behavior on the planes. It was much easier than we possibly could have hoped, with the only real difficulties being ill-timed poops and how uncomfortable it is to hold a lap baby in those small seats. Even travel with cloth diapers wasn’t especially terrible.

Santa only brought Penny a couple of things, including some new pajamas and a PARACHUTE.

The pajamas are particularly awesome:

The whole of the Christmas trip would be a bit too much to cover at the moment, and to be honest, one very small thing has really soured me on the memory of it all. I’d rather write about her first Christmas when I’m a little less irritated. Irritated is a very gentle word for it.

I assure you, though, Santa came out looking like a chump with his few simple gifts. Grandparents, aunts and uncles filled in where Santa was stingy and Penny now owns, among other things, her very own iPhone case and apps, a baby doll and stroller, and an entire new wardrobe.

Santa got schooled.

3. Baby led weaning. This style of feeding the baby is really working out well for us, especially since Penny popped up a couple of fangs over the holidays. She’s sitting behind me right now, enjoying a mid-morning snack of apple scrapings.

Do you see her scrapings? She just learned how to do that yesterday. And she was DELIGHTED. Shrieks of glee. She positively gorged herself on teeny, painstakingly fanged scrapings of apple. It was hilarious, as you could tell that she was totally shocked – she’s used to just sucking and gumming on her apples. She was grinning at me around a mouth of apple mush, like she thought she was the first baby in the history of the world to spring teeth and learn how to use them.

She’s gotten very excited and kind of demanding about food. On the plane, Phil and I each had a sandwich and she was giving his the eye. So, as we usually would, he pulled off a small piece of bread and a little turkey shaving for her, and she WAS NOT HAVING IT. She dropped them and strained and reached as far as she could – NOTHING BUT THE ENTIRE SANDWICH WOULD DO.

She wants whatever you’ve got.

Anyway, it’s simple enough to say that Penny is eating anything and everything, but I’ve gotten a good number of questions about the way we choose to feed Penny – what we feed her, if we cut up her food, what about choking, etc – so it would probably be best to do a more detailed post explaining how Penny has handled being thrown into the deep end of food with no spoon feeding and no purees. I will do that. I swear.

4. Cosmo! I’ve had the newest Cosmo for the longest time, and I can’t work up the desire to do this one. Know why? Because Scarlet Johansson is on the cover. I don’t know, something about her really chaps my ass.

You know how people have lists? You know, the people you’re allowed to totally get with and your spouse can’t get mad, because, come on, the list? Phil doesn’t really have a list, but one time when I asked him, he said, “I don’t know… Scarlet Johansson, I guess?”

AND I VETOED HIM. Even though you’re not really allowed to do that with the lists.

I just don’t like her. Something’s not right. She looks like she just smelled her own butt all the time. Unless she’s playing some super cute character, but even then I can’t get into it, because I remember all these pictures of her where she looks like she just smelled her own butt. I feel like if I ever talked to her, I’d be wondering if I smelled like a butt the whole time. She has this air about her that makes me think that SHE thinks that everyone in the world but her smells like butt, but you know what? It’s probably her own butt, because I think she’s up it.

Anyway. Next month!

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36 Responses to “Long-winded reasons for not doing stuff.”

  1. By Stephanie M on Jan 4, 2012

    Totally not related to anything you said above…but when I saw that picture of Penny asleep, I thought for a minute she was in a cardboard box. Then it finally clicked that it was a pack n play and I felt really stupid!

    Jessica Reply:

    It does look very cardboard box-ish. I thought so for a second, too.

    Brooke Reply:

    Ditto. Sorry, TJ, it looks like your kid sleeps in a box.

    TJ Reply:

    We call it her bin, ACTUALLY.

    TJ Reply:

    Arm’s reach co-sleeper! Apparently in an unfortunately cardboardy shade.

    Linnea Reply:

    Oh! We got one of those from my SIL to try. Have you ever used it with the inside part elevated to bed-height? Do you like it? Tell me all about it! Second opinions!

    Laura Diniwilk Reply:

    I LOVE ours and am so mad I didn’t spring for it with the first kid.

    Noemi Reply:

    We used this as a co-sleeper, attached to the bed for the better part of six months (with the mattress at bed height). Loved it. Easy access and near enough to get her, without the baby being actually in my bed (not that I have anything against that, it just wasn’t right for us, full size mattress, OMFG).

    TJ Reply:

    I got that a lot when I posted it on Twitter, too!

  2. By Diane on Jan 4, 2012

    He NEVER played with a parachute in gym class? BUT THAT WAS THE ONLY FUN THING THAT EVER HAPPENED IN GYM CLASS.

    Kammah Reply:

    TRUTH.

  3. By Jessica on Jan 4, 2012

    I feel exactly the same way about Scarlett Johansen. Luckily my husband doesn’t like her, either. Or at least pretends not to.

    My kid has not been waving all night, but trying to crawl all night. In his crib. Gets up on his hands and knees and rocks back and forth while screaming. I’d heard kids do that, but my first didn’t. It’s even worse than I’d imagined.

  4. By Life of a Doctor's Wife on Jan 4, 2012

    Phil didn’t do the parachute in gym class?

    !!!

    Penny is, as usual, adorable. I love her look of concentration as she mauls that sandwich. Congrats on the teeth and the waving!!

  5. By Aunt Dani on Jan 4, 2012

    I have to confess I didn’t do the parachute in gym class either. I’m having a hard time imagining what one DOES with a parachute in gym class (aside from jumping out of a plane which would be AWESOME but probably not what you would actually do in gym, given budget cuts and all).

    TJ Reply:

    COME ON. You stand around it and everyone holds on and you FLAP IT. And you can bounce balls on it. And you can lift it way high in the air, and then bring it down fast, except get UNDER it and sit on the edges and then your gym teacher stalks around it from the outside and pokes at it and pretends to be a monster.

    COME ON!

    Aunt Dani Reply:

    But how do you WIN????

    Kammah Reply:

    Maybe I’m too punchy (thanks a lot, BENADRYL. GOD.) but I may not make it to PJs at TJs because I died from this comment exchange.

  6. By Lindsay on Jan 4, 2012

    I swear those seahorses (I see it sleeping with her) are like CRACK for babies.

    TJ Reply:

    It took her a while to get into it, but she seems to like it a bit so far.

  7. By Alorina on Jan 4, 2012

    I swear to God Penny is the cutest baby on the face of the planet. Please post some pictures of her being a horrible baby soon or I’m going to jump of this baby fence onto the ‘OMG I want a baby just like Penny’ grass…

    Also – I too thought she was sleeping in a box when I first looked a the pyjama picture.

    Also, also – I thought I missed something about Phil and parachutes and then I realized I missed the best part of the post… the tags! I can’t believe that he (and other people) never played with a parachute in gym class!

  8. By A'Dell on Jan 4, 2012

    Charlotte is the same way with wanting everyone else’s food and it cracks me up because Claire wanted NOTHING to do with ANYONE’S food. She never did that thing where, “When the baby wants to eat off your plate, it is time to give her some.” She never asked for a damn thing from my plate and has yet to.

    Charlotte? Oh, girl wants whatever you have. I had to feed her HALF of my oatmeal this morning and she was shrieking like a pterodactyl the whole time. Chris walked by with a roll last night and she gave him some major stink eye. “GIMME YO ROLL.”

    Penny WAVES?! I am so impressed!

    TJ Reply:

    Penny lunges – LUNGES – for food. And holds her arms out and gets a full body shake of excitement when food approaches her high chair tray.

    Aunt Dani Reply:

    I do that too! I’m afraid it’s hereditary.

  9. By Jeanette on Jan 4, 2012

    “WELL INVITE ME TO YOUR AWARD CEREMONY FOR MOTHER OF THE PLANET AND I PROMISE TO FEEL SUITABLY INFERIOR.” I LOVE that!! I’m gonna use it on someone one day, too! Penny is seriously adorable!!

    TJ Reply:

    Thank you!

  10. By Catriona on Jan 4, 2012

    Penny is adorable! And baby led weaning is teh awesome. So much less frustration for everyone involved, and baby gets to explore their food with their hands instead of eating it mushed up off a spoon. I swear B eats things other kids her age don’t because she was allowed to just eat what we did as she wanted and how she wanted. No stress mealtimes FTW.

  11. By nonsoccermom on Jan 4, 2012

    Ha, I thought it was a cardboard box at first too once I got over the adorableness of those pajamas. Too cute.

    I’m glad my kids are (mostly) past the point of demanding the food on my plate, although my 9yo son still gives me the puppy-dog eyes from time to time. At least he doesn’t do the pterodactyl screech anymore.

  12. By Linnea on Jan 4, 2012

    I would be very interested in a Baby Led Weaning post, since I’d never heard of it until you mentioned it.

    and it feels a little strange to be so excited about Penny’s new skills, since, you know, I haven’t met her and she’s not my baby, but I’m glad you share her progress with the internet, because it’s neat to see her growing.

  13. By Alex on Jan 4, 2012

    I love Penny’s enthusiasm for waving and scraping food. Her cart-cover thing is also amazing. I have never seen one before – so practical and comfy!

  14. By Suzanne on Jan 4, 2012

    Today I brought the baby downstairs to get her dressed and while I was getting the toddler some milk the baby threw up ON the clothes she was not yet wearing. Did I go upstairs and get a new, similar colored onesie that would have matched her sweater just fine? No, no I did not. I STILL PUT IT ON HER. So at that ceremony you might feel contrite, but I’ll be the one drinking vodka from a water bottle.

  15. By Kammah on Jan 4, 2012

    I think we need a video of Penny waving so we can pretend she is waving to us, her adoring public.

    Her learning how to use her teeth tickles me. And her sandwich greed. I mean, wouldn’t YOU want the whole sandwich? Uh-huh. Thought so.

    That Scarlet Johansson thing is SPOT ON, even though I never realized it until now. Now I can’t think of it any other way. It’s like that time when I saw a dinosaur in a longhorn cut-out thingie at Texas Land and Cattle and this random dude overheard me and yelled from across the parking lot (apparently my voice travels when I talk about dinosaurs) “I CAN’T SEE IT ANY OTHER WAY NOW.” And then I fell to the ground (IN THE PARKING LOT. Safety is my middle name!), weeping with laughter.

    For what it’s worth I was totally nonplussed at Penny sleeping in a “cardboard box”. When I was a newborn I slept in a dresser drawer and then graduated up to a laundry basket when I was a couple months old because according to my parents I looked “too little” to be put in a crib. My parents are weird.

    Natalie Reply:

    Ohh.. it took me a couple of reads to realize you meant you saw it as a dinosaur when it wasn’t really. Not that there was a dinosaur in a longhorn. Because that seems logical to me.

    Also, don’t hate me, but I feel uncontrollably compelled to advise you (in the nicest possible way) that nonplussed actually means the opposite of what I think you’re saying. It means utterly perplexed.

    Kammah Reply:

    D’oh! I’ve totally been using that word wrong. Thank you very much for bringing that to my attention! I’ll be putting it in my “personal dictionary” in a moment. It’s a (very nerdy) hobby.

    Natalie Reply:

    You’re most welcome! I’m glad you didn’t get mad, I didn’t want to get all grammar-nazi on you. Word nerds unite!

  16. By LemonFresh on Jan 5, 2012

    She has the most incredible cheeks! I think this baby-led-weaning stuff must be highly successful.

  17. By mjb on Jan 5, 2012

    Seriously? I don’t think you’re going to be able to do a summary of next month’s Cosmo either. http://gofugyourself.com/fug-the-cover-dakota-fanning-01-2012

    Also, we didn’t go full baby led weaning, mostly because buying baby food felt convenient, but I can’t leave bags of fruit on the floor anymore because then everything would have adorable baby teeth marks in it. Grapefruits, orange, apples, whatever. They must feel good on the teeth.

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