Lifelong Irrational Grudges

Lifelong Irrational Grudges, or LIGs, is a concept I came up with some time ago and employ heavily in my life to this day. The idea is a bit fluid, so I will provide you with some examples.

Firstly, however, I’d like to direct you to the second word: irrational. That means that one, it does not have to and probably will not make sense to you, and two, GOD HELP YOU IF YOU TRY TO REASON WITH ME.

My current LIGs are in their infancy at the moment, I wanted to give you all a peek into the development of an LIG from the ground up. Have no doubt, however, that I intend to nurse them into fullblown festering neuroses over the coming years.

Since LIGs most often involve a person or persons, specific and non-specific both, I will start you out easily.

With my boyfriend.

LIG #1: The way that sometimes, after Phil takes a shower, he doesn’t take care to check to see if the showerhead is replaced correctly, so that when I lean in to turn on the shower and quickly hop backwards to avoid the spray of cold water left over in the hose, I get a freezing blast to the midsection, not to mention the bathroom floor and wall. I almost peed, Phil. I ALMOST PEED. And I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say, “Well, why didn’t you check it yourself first?” And my answer is this: you just better not say that.

LIG #2: While it may appear that I’ve come to terms with the fact that Phil is non-communicative in the mornings, as I sit there quietly near him and don’t pester him with questions and words and other such BOTHERSOME INDICATIONS OF MY VERY PRESENCE, I have not come to terms with it. I have not at all. What’s with this “not a morning person” crap! I do not buy into that myth. Takes a long time to wake up? It’s a one step procedure! Sleeping, sleeping, sleeping… eyes open. AWAKE. Entire process, start to finish. I am AWAKE and I am ready to SPEAK ALL THE WORDS THAT HAVE BEEN BUILDING UP ALL NIGHT.

LIG #3: Leaving behind a paycheck kind of job and working at home, for myself, has been a bit nervewracking to me. Every time I bring up doubts, Phil is all “You’re a great writer,” and “You’ll do fine.” And when I show him how money is actually coming in, he says “That’s awesome!” And when I explain to him how I work, and the various things I do and projects I’m involved in, he listens. Closely. I haven’t quite figured out where the grudge in this one is but I’m suspicious so I’m holding a placeholder grudge. JUST IN CASE.

27 thoughts on “Lifelong Irrational Grudges

  1. Awlbiste

    I have so many of these it’s not even funny. NOT EVEN FUNNY. Also, words totally build up at night, no one can dispute this fact.

  2. Doodlebug!

    You’re home all day. You can buy superglue. That showerhead doesn’t have to move again, ever. Let him contort, I say!!

  3. TJ Post author

    @Doodlebug: That would defeat the purpose, though. I don’t want to FIX the issues. I want to hold grudges, silently and irrationally!

  4. Phil

    I think having a girlfriend that squeezes the toothpaste from the middle counts as one of mine.

  5. TJ Post author

    @Everyone: Note Phil’s response above. So we’re even. SO NO ONE HAVE ANY SYMPATHY FOR HIM OR I WILL LIG YOU.

  6. Deborah Timmers

    My LIG is when the guy (husband) empties the trash and does not put a new trash bag back in the container !

  7. Aboo

    My LIG: How I ask you, HOW can you be home ALL DAY, EVERY DAY and just “not notice” that you just used the last of the last roll of toilet paper? And then have the audacity to be shocked, SHOCKED when I am upset about this fact at 11:30 on a week-night when I go to perform my daily absolutions!!!???

  8. Aboo

    @Deborah – How about when the woman throws a trash-bag full of food onto the back porch, to be immediately spread all over the back yard by the “friendly” neighborhood raccoon. And the huge plastic trash bin, complete with locking lid, is less than 5 steps from where that bag landed?

  9. Rhy

    holy crap! I finally have a name for them! I have so many LIGs it’s not even funny. hmm…maybe I should blog about them. With appropriate credit given, of course. May I borrow your idea, O most wonderful of TJs?

  10. TJ Post author

    @Rhy: I intend to eventually take over the world, so spreading my ideas only helps.

    In seriousness, I would be thrilled to death to see 4,000 trackbacks on this post of people listing their own LIGs, so that I know I am not alone in my irrationality.

  11. Kestrel

    At the moment, I only have solutions for many of these LIGs. However, I will endeavor to come up with some of my own, and a trackback WILL be forthcoming.

    IN THE MEANTIME: Phil – when you turn the water off, hold the shower head with your arm hanging straight down, and let the water drain from hose and head. I do this so I don’t get that blast of cold water that TJ hates.

    TJ, re: #3 – This is NOT a LIG-in-the-making. This is a freaking MIRACLE. Not only does Phil appear to be listening, it appears that not only is he truly listening, he is giving you more feedback than a simple “uh huh,” head-nod, or “yes, dear.” You married ladies, am I not speaking the truth when I say this is a cardinal virtue? (Trust me on this one, Teej: I’ve been married almost 35 years.)

  12. TJ Post author

    @Kestrel: I just passed your advice along.

    TJ: *reads comment*
    Phil: *nods* That’s a good one…
    TJ: You’re not gonna do it!
    Phil: Probably not, no.

    LIG! LIG! LIG!

  13. Luckedout

    Why do you even stand in the shower before turning it on? I turn it on, test it out, then hop in. Problem solved!

    Is that too much of a guy thing? I think my wife’s LIG is when she tells me a problem she’s having and I solve it, or attempt to, she just looks at me like I just ate a kitten… Apparently it’s better to just nod and say “uh, huh…”

  14. Julie

    TJ, I absolutely love your LIG’s. In fact, it has inspired me to post a couple I have with Michael.

    LIG #1 See TJ’s LIG #2. When Michael reads my comment here, he will know. Enough said.

    LIG #2 When your girlfriend wakes you up to show you that the dog is being cute, or for ANY OTHER reason, even if it is 2am, you should be so happy to interact with her that the time does not matter. Any time she wakes you up because she absolutely has to talk to you is a compliment, meaning she loves you!

    LIG#3 When your girlfriend gets up at 1am to go to the bathroom, and finds no toilet paper, and said girlfriend hollers out and wakes you up and says, “Michael, do you know you are out of toilet paper?” the appropriate response is, “Oh! I am so sorry, let me run to the 24 hour store 1 mile away and get some for you, love of my life.” NOT “Yeah, I know” and rolling over and being back asleep before I can protest further.

    As you can see, so far, most of my LIG’s revolve around his sleep patterns, and issues with waking up. I am so with TJ, it is very simple, when you are asleep….you are asleep. When your eyes are open, you are awake. What is the big deal?!

  15. Bernie

    #3 Your grudge or Phil’s imagined grudge? I can tell that Phil has learned that when women voice their concerns about anything, they do NOT want advice. The second part of the equation is the fine line between support and patronage.

  16. Catastrophe

    Placeholder Grudge? That concept is genius. I am so using that somewhere.

    @Aboo

    Could you capture a Raccoon and keep it as a pet?

    I live in England where they are not native to.

    We get rats…. Woooooo :(

  17. Aboo

    @Catastrophe

    In theory, yes, you can keep a raccoon as a pet. When I was a child I lived on a farm in central Kansas. We had a pet raccoon. He lived in the house with us and terrified our guests.

    However, you CANNOT capture a fully grown raccoon and attempt to domesticate them. They are evil, evil creatures. And so smart it’s not funny. They wash their food and they have thumbs.

  18. Teej

    @Aboo: confirmed: adult raccoons are the Very Spawn of Lucifer Himself. I will go out of my way to run them over whenever possible …including spying one out the window, throwing on minimally serviceable footwear, scurrying stealthily out to the car, and driving through the side- and backyards in a four-door Honda Accord to make it happen, cap’n.

    Suffice it to say that I had a traumatic close encounter with raccoons at Boy Scout camp waay back in the day. Key concepts: leaky MREs, a Wilderness Survival merit badge outing, and raccoons that have had so little contact with humans that they know no fear.

    For those of you wondering, the only proof necessary that raccoons are the Very Spawn of Lucifer Himself: THEY HAVE LITTLE HUMAN HANDS WITH FIVE FINGERS. Q.E.D.

  19. Capn John

    Sooo…is this also why women get upset about guys who leave the seat up?
    /whistles innocently

    Or would you prefer we leave it down then pee all over it?

    Actually there are guys like that. I know, because I’ve used the restroom after them. They can’t be bothered putting the seat up, and they also can’t be bothered wiping it off afterwards. Seriously, how the hell can you spray pee everywhere (and I do mean everywhere), then not have the decency to at least wipe the seat? The floor I can understand, you need a mop for that, but good god, man! At least wipe your pee off the seat!

    I go in there with my 4 y/old daughter, she needs to pee, and there’s only one stall? I’ve got no choice. As disgusting as it might seem, I’m going to be wiping SEP off the toilet seat. Or…worse than SEP, and yes, I’ve wiped off worse. As I said. When you have a 4 y/old kid that needs to go, you’ve got no choice.

    I guess that would be my LIG, although I think mine is more of an LRG than an LIG. Does that still count?

  20. Catastrophe

    Ooo raccoons have human hands? Freaky.

    One of my LIG’s is being phoned.

    Sometimes, for no reason, when someone phones me, I get angry… and I don’t mean cold calling – as that would be rational… I mean even if a friend or family calls me… I get an irrational anger strike and I’m like “Yeah, what do you want?!?!” and I find it very hard to calm down.

    If that isnt a LIG I dunno what is.

  21. Chad

    As someone who is guilty of not being a morning person I thought you should know why we don’t like to talk. It’s a brand new day, a proverbial clean slate. There’s nothing to talk about because nothing has happened. What you had for breakfast and the fact you forget to check the showerhead is not news worthy. Check back later in the afternoon when you have something better to talk about.

    I’m enjoying reading your posts and will check back often.

  22. Globin

    My wife tells me of her LIGs. It only took me about four years to figure out she didn’t want them solved, she really just wanted someone else to know.

    The only time this causes issues now, is when I think she’s just venting her irrationality to me, and … she really wants me to help her fix something.

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