Listen to me. Listen. Listen. It’s very important that you try hard to ignore the details of what happened to me tonight and try instead to focus on the overall concept, okay? Because I think if you don’t get bogged down in what actually happened, and instead can recognize what happened as an instance of a larger phenomenon we’ve all experienced, we can all take some time out of our day to point and laugh at each other.
On the other hand, though, if you’re going to get all caught up in, “Wait, wait, wait, back ups,” or “I’m going to need to you explain to me exactly hows,” or “Walk me through this agains,” we’re going to have a problem here. And that problem is going to be a combination of you missing the point and me being cranky about it, because I’m a control freak about points and people missing them.
So in a second here, I’m going to tell you what happened here tonight, and you’re going to read along, and you’re not going to get caught up in the hows and the whys and the wait, wait, wait, BACK UPS, because let me tell you, do not tell me to wait and back up. You’re not the boss of this blog. Also, I can’t back it up, because it’s a blog. These are written words. The way that it is backed up is that you go back to the top and you read it again and you see if you get it that time, and if you don’t, it’s because the information you’re after isn’t there, and it’s probably not there because it’s NOT PART OF THE POINT AND YOU’RE TOTALLY WRECKING THIS FOR EVERYONE ALREADY, GUY.
Are you ready? Are you ready to just read the story and go along with it even though you might have questions about the details, if I promise you right now, up front, that your questions about the details are completely irrelevant to the point of this post, so you can totally enjoy this post without them, or else I totally would have included them, because, come on, when have I ever left out words? Because I will promise you that right now. I will. Anything left out of tonight’s happenings is unnecessary for your enjoyment of this post and, hopefully, of the comments section, assuming that I can make this point I have now totally built up entirely too much, considering it’s not actually all that much of a point, but more of a… vague question/statement/raised eyebrow in your general direction.
Regardless, promises have now been made, so onward.
Tonight, before I left for Zumba (I don’t take Zumba), I went to tie my shoes, and GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?
I learned how to tie my shoes.
Right then. Right there. I learned how to tie my shoes. It’s not that I never tied a shoe before, but tonight is the night that I learned how to tie a shoe properly. I tied my shoes almost three hours ago now, and they are STILL TIED. They are still tied TIGHTLY, even. This is a new record for me.
I’m not talking about some method I learned online for a speedy way to tie, or a “hack” (not everything is a hack, people) that leads to longer lasting knots. And they’re certainly not double knotted, because when I was attending daycare at the YMCA, someone there told me she was double knotting my shoes so they wouldn’t come untied. To my four year old mind, that meant that my shoes would never come untied, thus never come off. I’ve never allowed my shoes to be double knotted since.
And allowed is definitely the right word, because a lot of people have tied my shoes over the years. My shoes NEVER stay tied. Ever. They are untied before I leave the house. I’m constantly stopped in stores by well-meaning people letting me know my laces are undone, which is honestly nothing more than an aggravation, because I feel obligated to tie them. WHY TIE THEM? THEY’LL JUST COME UNDONE.
Until TONIGHT, that is.
On Sunday, Phil was tying my shoe for me and while he tied them the same basic way that I always have, I noticed he was doing the one loopity part at the end all backward and awkward. So tonight, before I left, I tried doing that loopity all backward and awkward, too. AND IT MADE A KNOT. AND IT’S STILL KNOTTED.
My entire life – ENTIRE LIFE – my shoes have come untied. I have never understood why, I guess I just thought shoes came undone and that was the way of shoes. Or, recently? I blamed it on extra silky laces. I sometimes noticed that other adults weren’t running around like 8 year olds with frayed laces dragging along behind them all day long, but never really thought too much of it, because shoes don’t stay tied. They just don’t.
BUT APPARENTLY? YES THEY DO! I JUST FOUND OUT HOW PEOPLE DO THAT! TONIGHT!
I got ALL THE WAY to very nearly 32 years old not just unable to tie a shoe properly, but also not even ever quite realizing that I was doing it wrong. This is, seriously, the biggest thing that has happened to me in I don’t know how long. The most enormous *CLICK* that I can remember experiencing within recent memory.
I don’t generally like to end with a question because it seems so stilted and weird, like, “So what are your favorite things about fall?,” but honestly, this discovery is just SO EXCITING, I need to go decide what I’m going to do now – sleep with them on and see how long it lasts? Or untie and retie to practice so I don’t lose my new skill?
So instead, this is the part where I look at you with the slightly raised eyebrow, and instead of saying, “wait, wait, wait, back UP,” you instead tell me what thing everyone else in the world had figured out not only years before you did, but possibly even years before you realized it was even a thing, or a thing you were doing incorrectly. I seriously just took to Twitter to say, “I JUST FOUND OUT HOW PEOPLE DO A THING.” So I’m expecting your things to be equally newsworthy.