Let me tell you what you can do with your OLD PANTS, NOT-FATTY!
November 8th, 2009 | by TJ |Last week, on Sunday night, I believe, I went to be really quite late. 3 or 4am, I think. I was on a roll with getting work done, and had gotten pretty much everything I needed to do for Monday out of the way, so a good restful sleeping in was in order.
Unfortunately, that was not to be. I was yanked from sleep by the light flipping out unceremoniously at about 5:30am, with Phil bellowing “Wake up. WAKE UP. I need your help. I’M LATE. WAKE UP.,” and demanding that I button his collar.
Seems he was having a dress uniform inspection that day at work, and though he had KNOWN ABOUT IT for several days leading up to the event, he was only then, at 5:30am the day of the inspection, discovering that he couldn’t get the top button of his shirt to button.
Unfortunately, due to both sleep-bewilderment and the laws of physics and neck size, neither could I, and he went storming from the room, slapping off the light as he went. I found out later in the day that he had managed to get it buttoned and came immediately back home to change so as to facilitate breathing for the rest of the day. I also found out that they were having another inspection of the same kind THIS Monday.
So, rather than be caught out again tomorrow at 5:30am, when, let me tell you, I will not be half as bewildered nor half as sleepily polite as I was the last time, we find ourselves sitting in the office as he tries on his uniform the DAY BEFORE, while we still have a chance to replace any parts that need replacing.
So I am watching him put this on, pointing out that the pockets don’t lay correctly, and the extender he bought for the collar button just barely makes it across, and 6 different attempts to fasten his pants because we both kept bursting into laughter at how hard his arms were shaking trying to make the connection.
The obvious… snugness… of the uniform was obviously bumming him out a bit, and, as a girl who regularly tries on everything in the closet and throws it on the floor in disgust for a simple trip to the library, I totally understood. He did manage to get it on, we decided it is passable for the next inspection, but pretty soon, we are going to have to find room in the budget for an entire new dress uniform.
Get this, though, Internet. For the purposes of writing this post, I asked him how long he’s had that uniform, and he kind of got the shifty eye. Since he joined the Air Force. He has been wearing the same dress uniform since he JOINED the AIR FORCE. At 21. And he’s almost 33. That pretty much assures that any further complaints about how he’s put on a little weight or needs to drop some pounds are going to be answered with a chilling glare.
If you can fit your butt into TWELVE YEAR OLD PANTS, you have lost your right to complain.
Twelve year old pants, damn.
Hurry up and take the picture, I can’t hold my breath much longer!
By Awlbiste on Nov 8, 2009
I think perhaps one of my legs could fit into my 13-year-old-me’s pants. Maybe one. Like the calf.
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TJ Reply:
November 8th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
I was sitting at my computer and I laughed at this and Phil goes “what?” and I was all, “what do you think?” and he goes, “Awlbiste?” and I went “yeah.”
That story was anticlimactic.
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By Bellwether on Nov 8, 2009
/jealous
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By Marylin/Softi on Nov 8, 2009
Wow… Actually… i recently tried on an old jacket of mine from a good 1 0years ago and it still fits, which i was completely gobsmacked by! lol
Mind you… jackets always have a bit of extra room in them, so maybe not such an achievement. ;)
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By Mel on Nov 8, 2009
And the worst part? This phenomenon is not so out of the ordinary for men. Life is so unfair to those of us with a uterus.
What’s the plural for uterus?
And do we get another People Who Comment Challenge this week?
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TJ Reply:
November 8th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
It’s uteri!
And there will be a new challenge Monday!
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By Fyurae on Nov 8, 2009
That is so true. I am lucky if I can fit my fat ass into 12 week old pants.
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TJ Reply:
November 8th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
He had three cupcakes for breakfast. How fair is that!
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By Swistle on Nov 8, 2009
I know it is a total cliche to appreciate the appearance of a man in uniform, but…
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TJ Reply:
November 8th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
I think if it wasn’t for that cliche, a lot fewer women would be lured into marrying into the military. It makes it all just a little more bearable.
I actually like his every day uniform better than that one, which is convenient, since he… wears it every day.
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By Trollypollie on Nov 8, 2009
Love that shower curtain!
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TJ Reply:
November 8th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
So does he!
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By Mikey on Nov 8, 2009
Phil should have totally worn the black and white poka dot hair band to his inspection.
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TJ Reply:
November 8th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Don’t be silly, black and navy don’t match!
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By Kelly on Nov 8, 2009
My clothing from 12 years ago when off to Goodwill quite some time ago. Of course, 12 years ago I was severely depressed and probably anorexic, so it’s probably good that I don’t fit into any of those close anymore.
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By Aunt Becky on Nov 8, 2009
I cast a withering look in his general direction before I then nod appreciatively.
Good for him.
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By Jezrael on Nov 8, 2009
I still have one particular pair of shorts in my wardrobe that I will never ever be able to fit into again but I love them so much that I refuse to give up the dream.
Phil is adorable in his uniform and all but that shower curtain is undeniable WIN.
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By Chris on Nov 8, 2009
Not sure if the air force is the same as the army in this regards but IIRC every 2 years you get a clothing allowance on your anniversary of your join date. You are suppose to purchase new uniforms with this. Then every 4 years you get a larger amount to replace your dress uniforms.
Now if this is true of the air force then what has phil done with his allowance? heh
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By Dzargul on Nov 9, 2009
I have a SINGLE sweater from HS that I can still wear, lo these 15 years and 80lbs later. But my *grrr* GF INSISTS that I get rid of it just because it has a dime-sized hole in it.
Never! NEVER!!!
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By Julie on Nov 9, 2009
So I’ve always been chunky, but gained a lot of weight in my 20′s. I’m managed to take most of it back off (70kg so far), and to my glee, I can wear pants that were last seen in the EIGHTIES! Yes, I am fitting my butt into 20 year-old Levis. Sometimes, old pants are a good thing :)
Oh, and as for men in uniform… I totally dated a guy in the navy, just for the white dress uniform. It may make me shallow, but it was HOTTTTT!
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By Edyion on Nov 9, 2009
12 year old pants may be unfair but I personally take comfort in the discomfort in that picture.
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By Adlib on Nov 9, 2009
I also like the shower curtain, and this story made me giggle. I have so many old clothes that I’m sure I’ll never wear again…I really need to clean out my closet.
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By Bernie on Nov 9, 2009
He’s in the military. He has been built up into a mean fighting machine.
It’s all that fighting muscle the Air Force has built up over the past 12 years.
The obvious question is “navy” blue pants in the Air Force?
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By sister on Nov 9, 2009
Should I tell your readers that I have been in the same size 4 pants since…forever? Or will you all turn against me? …you’re going to make me wear something hideous to your wedding, aren’t you? LOVE YOU SISTER
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Katie Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Wouldn’t be that big of a surprise if she did.
Isn’t the whole point to make the bride look like the most beautiful person there? So, by deduction the bridesmaids have to shine a little less.
Also, bridesmaid dresses can be their own revenge.
Only karma thing I can think of is 27 dresses, where she made the former brides wear the dresses they had her wear.
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TJ Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
I’m thinking butt bow. HUGE butt bow.
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By Shin Ae on Nov 9, 2009
The thought of trying to squeeze into my twelve-year-old pants makes me want to cry. And throw up.
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By Tchann on Nov 9, 2009
…this is probably not the time to mention that I weigh less now than I did in my freshman year of high school 14 years ago, huh? >.>
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By evadestruktion on Nov 9, 2009
…”, as a girl who regularly tries on everything in the closet and throws it on the floor in disgust for a simple trip to the library,”… i’m definitely with you on that one TJ
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TJ Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
The funniest thing is that I am perfectly happy to wear one of the discarded things the next day!
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By Dragoncroft on Nov 9, 2009
We hates him. Yes we do. We would totally despise him if it weren’t obvious that the top button of that shirt is in danger of taking someones eye out.
(He does a fantastic Superman pose.)
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By Roast on Nov 9, 2009
Looking good Staff Sergeant Phil! My wife has to wear her dress blues every Monday ever since they got a new boss. Used to be just the first Monday of the month.
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By SISTER on Nov 9, 2009
KEL YOU DIDN’T REPLY TO MY COMMENT. end transmission.
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TJ Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Yes.
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By Shelly on Nov 12, 2009
If I could fit into a pair of pants that I wore 12 years ago, people all over this country would hear me cheering. So yay for Phil.
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By Chris on Nov 12, 2009
I acutally did the same thing last night. I have ben out of the Navy for 10 years. My wife is a school teacher and needed my Navy hat for a Veterans day program. I decided to put the old uniform on and was shocked at how fat I have become. So, I give propsto Phil for at least being able to button the pants. I started a diet today…
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