If you could see how I’m dressed, you probably wouldn’t take anything I say seriously.
December 10th, 2009 | by TJ |This is my evidence against Brooke Shields. In case there’s ever a case against her. For something. And my evidence is needed.
1. Eyebrows. I mean, I know we all groom our eyebrows. Some shaping, plucking, general taming is usually needed. But she was born with eyebrows so eyebrowy that with them all neatened up and clean, she basically has lies for eyebrows. SHE HAS LIEBROWS.
2. I see her on TV so frequently these days that I thought she had a new TV show. Except she is just selling products for my face. My entire face.
3. And speaking of Brooke Shields having a TV show, can I just say that “Suddenly Susan” was a stupid name for a TV show? “Suddenly Susan” what? Fell down an elevator shaft? Had an embarrassing public accident? Was growing hair and new places and having special feelings about boys? Got herself into another zany situation that was neatly wrapped up in 22 minutes? Come on. SUDDENLY SUSAN WHAT?
4. She’s got this commercial right now, and I think I saw the commercial 14 times before I figured out what it was for because I was so distracted by her behavior in said commercial.
It opens with her talking about liking to eat healthy, and correct me if I am wrong, Internet, but I am not, so don’t even bother, but haven’t we all universally agreed at this point, nearly 2010, that the universal television indicators of healthy eating will be either -
ONE: a visual of an unrealistic salad (with no meat pieces, bacon bits, cheese shreds, or thick, creamy dressing – just that leafy stuff that serves as a vehicle for getting all the delicious parts to my mouth) OR
TWO: the subject of the commercial biting into an apple that looks and sounds so delicious that it makes you immediately want an apple, but either the ones you have look all squishy and way less delicious than the TV apple, or you don’t have any at all, so you eat an ice cream sandwich as a placeholder and totally forget to buy apples the next time you’re at the store.
But after declaring herself to be a healthy eater, we are not shown Brooke Shields eating an unrealistic salad or biting into a delicious looking apple. No. She is eating a celery. A celery with the LEAFY PARTS STILL ON. All casual, like I’m supposed to believe she sits around eating leafy celery. And not only is she asking me to believe that, she’s also asking me to abandon the long held, universally agreed upon television visual signals of healthy eating. All in the name of toothpaste. Which tastes like celery? Or something? I don’t know, I stopped paying attention.
So, that’s pretty much my evidence against Brooke Shields. So if anyone sues her, or something, I’ve got it all here in a manila folder and an extra copy at a second location, just in case someone in the Liebrows camp tries to steal it. Or fire. Which is slightly more likely. Either way. I’ve got two copies. So, you know. Let me know!
By Dzargul on Dec 10, 2009
*cups hands*
Phil! If you can HEAR ME…Get. The Tranq Gun. She just. Needs. REST.
*sighs*
I’ve seen the Brook Effect before…best to stop it quickly.
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By Awlbiste on Dec 10, 2009
The toothpaste commercial also leads us to believe that people just casually eat cut citrus fruit from a bowl as if it magically would not dry up 30 seconds after cutting it and putting it into said bowl.
Golly gee gosh, I just eat SO healthily that I’m afraid these delicious lemons I eat cut from a bowl are hurting my teeth!
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By Tami on Dec 10, 2009
Celery is an enhancement, not a food. Endorsing a celery diet is endorsing anorexia – it’s one of those foods with like…zero calories and zero nutritional content. It’s like eating grass, only maybe less useful.
And I’m not entirely sure what toothpaste has to do with it, except brushing your teeth is (sometimes) a good way to get rid of munchy cravings (not recommended if you are actually HUNGRY, because then you should EAT. FOOD. Not celery.)
I don’t watch television, so I haven’t seen this commercial, which is a relief.
Also, on the liebrows thing? Hilarious. Quote from The Princess Diaries movie “If Brooke Shields married Groucho Marx, their child would have your eyebrows.”
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Capn John Reply:
December 10th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Cream cheese and/or peanut butter both enhance celery. It’s like that crunchy half-pipe of stringy fiber was just made to be a delivery vessel for cream cheese or peanut butter.
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By Mikey on Dec 10, 2009
Maybe in Suddenly Susan she used to be a middle aged bald guy. She puts on a wig and *BEHOLD* Suddenly Susan. i must admit i never watched the show but thats my logic.
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By Shelly on Dec 10, 2009
Brooke Shields IS weird. And you’re totally right about her liebrows.
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By Capn John on Dec 10, 2009
Whenever I heard ‘Suddenly Susan’, I always thought of ‘Suddenly Seymour’.
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By Christine on Dec 10, 2009
Maybe she is actually flossing with the celery. Yeah, I think that’s it.
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By Adrienzgirl on Dec 10, 2009
I hate Brooke Shields. Always have. And just how many products is she whoring out these days. Toothpaste, eyelash cream, there are several more.
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By Anna on Dec 10, 2009
The Brooke Shields commercial that just gets me is the one for that new eyelash medicine?
Because I’m sure there are people out there that really do have “insufficient” eyelashes, and as such, are constantly getting fuzzies in their eyes (because that’s what eyelashes are for! to keep stuff out of your eyes!) – but BROOKE SHIELDS IS NOT ONE OF THEM. She has perfectly normal and nice looking eyelashes.
So now OTHER people with perfectly normal and nice looking eyelashes will wonder “gee… maybe I have insufficient eyelashes” (wtf does that even mean anyway? like – wouldn’t that be something your eye doctor would tell you when you went in with a scratched cornea?) and wonder if they need to be putting some kind of goop on their eyelids – goop which can /increase the risk of glaucoma/ and cause weird things like your eyes to CHANGE COLORS.
Stupid Television. Grr.
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By Melchoir on Dec 10, 2009
There is only one thing celery is/should be used for: eating peanut butter straight out the jar. If you use a spoon, people look at you funny. Using celery, however, is perfectly acceptable. Just don’t double dip.
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By BugginWord on Dec 10, 2009
Maybe she got a little sloppy applying that eyelash medicine and that’s how those liebrows came about…
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