Temerity Jane

I would be better treated if I had more legs.

On Wednesday, it was time for Brinkley’s check up with the vet. Being an Air Force dog, he is, of course, party to Air Force treatment. Having never taken a dog to the vet before, though, I am not sure if it is just Air Force dogs who are so shamelessly spoiled, or if all veterinarians are treating animals four thousand times better than any doctoring I’ve ever received.

First of all, the appointment started on TIME. Almost 10 minutes early, even. We hopped HRH Brinkley up onto the scale that LOWERED for his lazy butt, to find he weighed much less than we estimated, at about 100 lbs. It sure doesn’t FEEL like just 100 lbs when he’s walking all over you like you’re furniture.

Doesn’t matter, though – at 100 lbs, he’s still just over 20 pounds overweight. Someone, not naming any names but it rhymes with Trinkley, is on a diet. And an exercise program. Sort of. We’ll get around to it. Have you LOOKED at those eyes? You tell him he only gets 3/4 cup of food twice a day. YOU TELL HIM.

Anyway, after the weighing came the shots, and despite all evidence so far indicating this to be the wussiest dog on the planet, he didn’t even flinch when he got stuck for both rabies and distemper. They had to stick him twice for the blood draw for the heartworm test, too, and he didn’t even bat an eye. Personally, I’ve been known to vault an exam table when a doctor came at me with a syringe full of WATER to clean a cut on my head. True story.

(TJ’s mom says: TRUE STORY.)

So, all of this sounds typical doctor, right? Not if you take into account that by this time, the doctor had been hanging out for like 15 minutes or more. I have not seen a doctor for a TOTAL of 15 minutes in the last 3 years combined.

But here’s where it starts to get good. We mentioned how Brinkley has a bit of a limp when he first stands up and starts moving, if he’s been laying down for a bit. It goes away after a couple of minutes, but it’s pretty consistent. So, we went outside so the doctor could watch him walk. (And let me say something about the Air Force here, apparently my role in life as the Air Force girlfriend is to hold Phil’s hat, then hand Phil his hat, then hold Phil’s hat, then hand Phil his hat, as we go inside and outside.) So, Phil walks Brinkley up and down the parking lot and the doctor says that Brinkley’s got a little too much motion in his back end.

Now, I will admit, I have often made fun of the ghetto booty on that dog, but I didn’t realize the wiggle meant anything was wrong – a little loose in the spine, the doctor said. I just thought the dog had SASS.

So with the motion in the back end, and the fact that Brinkley appeared a little sore to the doctor, he had a couple of solutions in mind. First, Brinkley got a full pedicure. All his nails clipped down to make walking a bit easier.

HAS YOUR DOCTOR EVER DONE YOUR NAILS?

But the best is yet to come, Internet. After the nails were done, after about 20 solid minutes of doctor attention, Brinkley, Brinkley the DOG, got a full chiropractic adjustment.

The DOG got an ADJUSTMENT. At his CHECK UP.

I have never had an adjustment, Internet. Never.

This lasted about 10 minutes, with Phil holding Brinkley and the doctor working on him. While he had been a champ through the whole appointment, he was starting to get a little stressed at this point, so as soon as it was finished, he turned back into the weenie dog we know and love, turned his back on Phil and the doctor, and leapt up into my arms.

To be honest, he did seem quite spry.

We went back outside for another walk, as the doctor had discovered a kind of “stuck” point in Brinkley’s spine that was probably slowing him down a bit – basically, his back needed to be cracked. While his gait didn’t actually improve too much and his ass was still swaying side to side enough to take out a toddler, we were told to keep an eye on him for the next day or so to see if we noticed any improvement.

I’ll be damned if that dog is not a little bit more energetic and, most noticable, just a bit more graceful as well. He’s lowering himself to the ground a bit more now, rather than flopping with a big emo sigh.

So at a check up, for a DOG, he got more than half an hour of solid, 1-on-1 doctor attention, diet recommendations, a pedicure, and a goddamned adjustment.

And HE doesn’t even have INSURANCE.

Oh, what a world, Internet. What a world.