Let me tell you about this passive-aggressive candy bar I met.
January 25th, 2010 | by TJ |Internet, there are very few things in this world I truly dislike. I don’t like sausage. I don’t like Fiona Apple. I don’t like any movies with shooting, violence, explosions, fighting, running, jumping, car chases, bombs, harsh language, aliens, time travel, inter-breeding of species, special effects, animation blended with live action, sad parts, funny parts, dramatic parts, things that jump out at you, red herrings, false alarms, love triangles, or the part of the plot where the girl/guy loses their guy/girl forever except you know it’s not forever because there’s still 20 minutes of movie left, and I hate stubbing my toe.
So really, Internet, you know that I must be serious when I tell you HOW HARD I HATE SNICKERS BARS RIGHT NOW.
Phil is taking a course of steroids for a back injury right now, and I have a raging case of PMS combined with the fact that I’m going wedding dress shopping next week, so it only made sense that yesterday we hopped in our car to drive to the Shell station around the corner to find a whole bunch of fattening crap to stuff into our face holes.
Among other things (which were, of course, a salad and a delightful low-fat low-cal low-sodium low-taste protein bar to power me through my evening work outs-HAHAHAHAHAHA), I chose this:
Please pardon my chicken, it was conveniently sized for covering up a S’mores ice cream stain.
Are you judging me right now, Internet? Maybe for the fact that I bought a Snickers? Or because I have a cooler under my desk so that when Phil and I do actually play WoW together (I totally gave in this weekend, by the way – Fronks & Boones on Drenden, Alliance side), we don’t have to make the 45 second round trip downstairs for sodas? Or maybe you’re one of those assholes who thinks it’s ridiculous for me to drink diet soda with my candy bar, like people who drink diet soda are all universally so stupid that when we order a Big Mac and a Diet Coke, we actually believe the Diet Coke is somehow cancelling out the Big Mac? For that last one, if you are one of those assholes, seriously – have you ever even realized what an asshole you are?
Anyway, my point is – if you are judging me right now, you go right on ahead with your bad self. Because you’re a PERSON and it is your right to run around judging people all willy nilly for whatever you want! I mean, it’s possible to go overboard, of course, but I can’t stop you. Sometimes, when you’re having a really crappy day, judging someone else and finding yourself slightly superior is the one shining moment in the whole shitfest of a day. So you go on and do what you feel you need to do.
But you know who isn’t allowed to judge me?
Candy. Candy is not allowed to judge me. Not even a little. I don’t even want a HINT OF AN IDEA that candy MIGHT be judging me. And while the candy bar pictured above isn’t saying anything outright, I am PRETTY DAMN SURE it doesn’t even approve of me buying it in the first place.
Upon getting in the car and ripping open my Snickers bar before we even left the parking lot (again, judge me if you must, but I just want to say that Phil? He ended up paying for a hot dog WRAPPER because he ATE THE HOT DOG before we even got to the counter) (I’d also like to remind you that Phil is on steroids, so, you know), I pulled out my prize only to discover? IT WAS ONLY HALF A PRIZE.
At first I thought my King Size Snickers bar had broken in half, and I wondered how that was even possible, because have you ever seen a King Size Snickers bar? It’s like as big around as a baby’s arm (don’t even act like you’ve never eaten a Snickers, Internet. I mean, judge me if you want, but don’t LIE about it). And you know what I found on closer inspection? It hadn’t broken in half, because the part where it would have been broken was CLEARLY AND DELIBERATELY CHOCOLATED OVER.
So I took a closer look at the wrapper.
Ok, for some reason, they have taken a perfectly good ridiculously-sized candy bar and broken it into two pieces. I WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE WITH THIS, except for the added INSTRUCTIONS.
That’s right. Instructions. On how to SAVE one of my UNASKED FOR PIECES for later.
And? The two “CONVENIENT” pieces? They were both smaller than an actual, normal-sized Snickers.
Don’t you think, SNICKERS, that if I wanted a normal-sized Snickers, I would have bought a normal-sized Snickers? I WOULD HAVE. But I didn’t. I bought a KING SIZE SNICKERS because I had a KING SIZE NEED for chocolate. I needed CHOCOLATE, not your ATTITUDE, Snickers.
Don’t you see, Internet? Who buys a King Size Snickers without intending to shove the whole thing down their throat right then and there? Don’t tell me, “Well, sometimes people want some Snickers now, and some Snickers later,” because you know what, up until Snickers made this UNREQUESTED two-piecing of their candy bar, that’s what buying two Snickers was for. ESPECIALLY gas station Snickers. You don’t wander into a gas station looking to stock your pantry with snacks for later. You walk into a gas station to buy stuff that is going to be half-digested by the time you arrive at your destination.
Yet, here we have the CANDY BAR ITSELF trying to pass judgement on me, and being pretty effing passive aggressive about it, if you ask me.
You know what, King Size Snickers? This is my you impression:
“Um, TJ, I’m not going to tell you what you should and shouldn’t eat, but you know what I am going to do? I’m going to go ahead and cut myself in half, and then? I’m going to suggest you go ahead and twist my wrapper right around. I’m not going to come right out and say it, but I think you understand that I’m not telling you to twist an empty wrapper here. You should leave half. For another time.”
THAT’S YOU, KING SIZE SNICKERS. THAT WAS ME, DOING YOU. And you know what? You sounded kind of like an ASSHOLE.
If I WANTED a smaller portion of Snickers, I would have bought a smaller portion of Snickers. I don’t need the “helpful” advice, King Size Snickers. I already KNOW I shouldn’t be eating a King Size Snickers. Do you know how I know? Because it’s called KING SIZE and I’m not a king. I’m not even like, 1/32 royalty. I shouldn’t be having ANYTHING meant for kings. Up until you decided to get all WRAPPER-UPPITY, King Size Snickers, your name alone was enough to warn people like, “Dude? Just so you know? I’m meant for kings, so I’m pretty huge. If you’re cool with that, go on ahead and eat me, but by my very name, you should know that I’m not really the best option for someone who isn’t a king.” And you know what? THAT WAS ENOUGH.
Seriously, Snickers people? If you read the Internet? You need to shut your candy the hell up because, rude!
JUST IN CASE IT WASN’T CLEAR: Snickers totally did not pay me to say this stuff about their passive-aggressive, judgmental, SHOULD-MIND-ITS-OWN-BUSINESS candy bar.
By Adlib on Jan 25, 2010
Seriously, what’s with that? I buy King-sized candy bars specifically because I know it’s probably way too much for me, but I’m going to eat it all anyway because that’s the kind of day I’m having.
On the Diet drink thing, I happen to think that Diet Coke tastes completely different and better than regular Coke (barf). Also, for some reason, I also like Diet Dew better than regular. Nothing to do with calories; everything to do with taste.
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TJ Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
EXACTLY. THAT IS THE KIND OF DAY I AM HAVING. And then I get my candy passing judgement on top of it? Damn!
And on diet soda – everyone who has read this blog for any length of time knows I just genuinely prefer diet. No, not just prefer – I ONLY drink diet. Period. I don’t even care what kind of soda it is – if it’s diet, I’ll drink it.
With one exception – Diet Dr Pepper. Tastes too much like regular. And I’m not even kidding.
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By Chibi Jeebs on Jan 25, 2010
Y’all are behind the times. King-sized chocolate bars have been halved in Canaduh for ages. But what I’m *really* hearing you say is that you don’t like any movies. Basically.
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TJ Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 1:20 pm
I may have slightly exaggerated about the movies, but really? Only slightly.
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By Awlbiste on Jan 25, 2010
Regular-sized Butterfinger Crunch started doing that. REGULAR-SIZED.
REGULAR.
SIZED.
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TJ Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 1:17 pm
It’s like I don’t already feel shitty enough for walking into a gas station and bee lining to the candy, amirite?
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Adlib Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 1:32 pm
At least the gas stations actually have a wide selection. I sometimes get so irritated if I can’t find what I really want and have to settle. In that regard, gas stations rock.
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By Becky on Jan 25, 2010
Ugh! Passive agressive candy sucks.
PS. I tried one of the new fudge Snickers bars the other day and it was not ok. They took the caramel out to put the fudge in. Who the hell wants a Snickers bar without caramel? Not me, that’s for sure.
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TJ Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 1:17 pm
I have not heard of this fudge Snickers, but I know one thing – I hate change. I already don’t approve.
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By Marie Green on Jan 25, 2010
Awesome. Just… awesome. I had the same experience with a King sized Milky Way recently, only I optimistically thought “Cool! I’ll save half for later”. Um. “Later” ended up being approx. 5 minutes.
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TJ Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 1:16 pm
Oh, so not only does the wrapper get all insulting with saying we should save some, it also dashes hope and self esteem when saving some proves to be impossible.
WAY TO GO SNICKERS.
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By Fyurae on Jan 25, 2010
I would just like to point out, that by cutting the bar in half, they added more surface area for chocolate. This is a step in the right direction for Snickers, if you ask me. Now if they would just get rid of those annoying peanuts, nugat, and caramel.
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TJ Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
I would agree, except for the whole insulting SAVE SOME FOR LATER instructions on the wrapper.
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Mj Reply:
January 26th, 2010 at 7:50 pm
Ok, Why wouldn’t you just buy a chocolate bar then? I mean, if I don’t want the nuts, I buy a (um…uh.. the one without nuts… oh yeah milky way) or if I didn’t want the nuts or caramel, I would go with Three Musketeers. Just askin.
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Fyurae Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 9:16 am
I do just buy chocolate bars. I usually eat a hershey’s or crunch myself, assuming I want chocolate. I’m more of a fruity-flavoring person though. Mambas, Jelly Bellies, Laffy Taffy and red ropes are my thing.
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By TheWicked on Jan 25, 2010
I find most deserts/snacks to be judgmental now. Have you ever seen how many servings are supposed to be in one container of ice cream? Eight servings. Eight! WTF. There is 4 servings in there at best. My ice cream is telling me I need to eat less. You know it’s bad when even your cookies and cream ice cream judges you.
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TJ Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 1:13 pm
One of my favorites is when they put multiple serving numbers on a 20 oz bottle of soda. I bought it to drink NOW.
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Adlib Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 1:34 pm
It’s pretty demoralizing when you find out the real size of a serving looks like. Has anyone seen those teensy 8 oz. or whatever sized cans of soda?
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Adlib Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 1:35 pm
“…when you find out WHAT the real size…”
I fail at typing today.
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By Dzargul on Jan 25, 2010
You completely misunderstood, TJ. It says ‘twist wrap’ because Snickers is a living creature; you have to snap it’s neck.
Well…you don’t HAVE too…but only a veteran Snickers fan knows how to open a wrapper without being viciously attacked.
The only other way to kill one one is to place it in the freezer. That’s that I like my Snickers to be frozen. I suspect Phil does, too.
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Dzargul Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 12:28 pm
*’That’s WHY I like’…hate it when that happens.
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TJ Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 1:13 pm
I don’t think I’ve ever seen Phil eat a Snickers. He’s not a candy bar kind of guy. I should consider this more before the marriage.
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By Delicia on Jan 25, 2010
My first thought upon seeing that pic was.. Mmmmm Snickers.. Damn that looks good.
Now, however, I am appalled. I apparently haven’t bought any King Size candy bars recently to discover this horrific new development. So basically they’re shrinking the “normal” sized bars to what.. “snack” size.. and the King Size are now going to be the size of what the normal ones USED to be??! This is WRONG. When I buy a King Sized Snickers I want to have to force myself to eat those last couple of bites, overfull on chocolately-caramel-nutty-nouget-goodness. I don’t want to eat the thing and think.. ok.. now where’s the rest??
Who the hell saves part of a candy bar for later, seriously?!
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TJ Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 1:12 pm
Well, I think the King Size is still King Size overALL, but it’s pre-broken in half, which I find WAY insulting. Plus? The halves? Are smaller than the normal sized whole one. IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.
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By Chelle on Jan 25, 2010
i love the chicken timer….i have the same one!
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TJ Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 1:10 pm
I use it when I have something in the oven downstairs, but want to be at my computer UPstairs. Sure, I could use my computer, or Phil’s iPhone. But come on! Adorable chicken!
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By Aunt Becky on Jan 25, 2010
I hate movies. Hard. I also hate candy. Mostly. Which I think makes me like the weirdest person ever.
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By Mary on Jan 25, 2010
I love this post. Well, I love most of then. They just crack me up (even when I can relate). I made an award for you. I meant to post it for the de-lurk, but was a slacker. Here you go (let’s see if the linky thing works):
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Mary Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 2:41 pm
Ugh.. no link. Here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/nissus/4304175803/
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By Kelly on Jan 25, 2010
Snickers is so wrong. And rude. Kind of like when I wanted the KING SIZE Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, and it turned out to be three bitty ones in the package instead of one the size of a dinner plate. Disappointing. But I don’t recall they were judgmental about it. I will boycott Snickers on your behalf for their user-unfriendly attitude.
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By lak on Jan 25, 2010
I actually thought the Fudge Snickers were quite tasty. I wonder what that says about me =/
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By Firespirit on Jan 25, 2010
I wonder how many people get offended by a snicker’s bar instructions, other than you TJ.
Not that I disagree. But still. I would have *NOMNOMNOM*’ed the snickers without even a second thought.
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Firespirit Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 3:18 pm
Ohh, and one more follow-up (totally distracted today) – if you new the HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLY HORRIBLE side effects of long term exposure to aspartame (or any artificial sweetner for that matter), you would never ever drink a diet soda again.
Did you know that splenda (and its component compounds) can stay in your body for three friggin weeks?!?!?!
I don’t drink diet soda for one reason – its a friggin toxic waste concoction in a bottle. Guess the same could be said for regular soda, but still… Point remains.
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By Allie Brosh on Jan 25, 2010
This is infuriating. It’s like they’re insulting your judgment and ability to decide what you want while they’re judging you for buying king size. It’s just so… CONDESCENDING.
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By Lilivati on Jan 25, 2010
Guess what my former dorm fridge is doing now?
If you guessed “hanging out upstairs in our computer room, housing beer, soda, and tasty game snacks”, you would be correct. Honestly every game room deserves its own refrigerator.
And it is the NICE kind, because when I graduated high school I took my shiny graduation gifts and bought a stainless steel fridge with full freezer compartment (i.e., it looks EXACTLY like a full size fridge, but miniature…no “smaller than an ice tray hole” at the top of the inside.) At the time, my mom told me I had more money than sense, but it was honestly the best dorm room purchase I made. Can you say ice cream, frozen dinners, and microwaveable pancakes?
The fact that when I suggested that I bring it from my parents to our apartment for this purpose, my fiance’s eyes lit up, told me that I had made a good decision in several areas.
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By Shin Ae on Jan 25, 2010
The Three Musketeers minty version candy bar I got was like that. Items of note: (1) That purchase only happened once because when I am thinking of cramming a candy bar, I don’t think “mint” and (2)it is a candy bar that is advertised as more “light” and less fattifying, so it seemed odd to me that they would then cut it in half if it was so very much nothing to begin with (I seem to recall the commercial claiming I would be floating around while eating it). I decided that the two halves were intended to be eaten as “breakfast dessert” and “between breakfast and lunch dessert”.
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By Swistle on Jan 25, 2010
It is so hard to rank these things, but I believe this is my favorite post of yours EVER. The whole thing was excellent, but the paragraph about diet soda and a candy bar is where I started swearing eternal allegiance to whatever religion you might later form.
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TJ Reply:
January 26th, 2010 at 8:40 pm
Dude, you so get me.
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By Will on Jan 25, 2010
1. I’m glad that I’m not the only one that was irritated at the newfangled method of packaging King Size Snickers bars.
2. Aside from the occasional acting-up of my sweet tooth, the pop that I drink is Diet. Even if I’m eating a hamburger or a pizza. I know it doesn’t cancel out the food; I just like the way it tastes, damn it.
3. I prefer a glass of milk when I eat anything chocolate. Just sayin’.
4. Regarding instructions. Back in the day, I used to play “Magic: The Gathering”. And I would buy those plastic card sleeves for the cards, as tournament rules required. They made packages of card sleeves with instructions on how to put the card inside. I kid you not.
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By Kimberly on Jan 25, 2010
I’m a Diet Coke drinker as well just for the taste…don’t like regular Coke at all. But I *really* wish Diet Dew tasted like regular Dew, because I loves me that radioactive green crap.
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By ZombiePirateXXX on Jan 26, 2010
Anything that comes in a “King Size” really has to mean “I am greedy and intend to not pause for breath while cramming it into my face.” If it means anything else to you, well, you’re clearly in denial about your face-cramming.
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By Capn John on Jan 26, 2010
That’s just wrong, because if I bought a King-sized bar it’s because I wanted to eat a King-sized bar RIGHT THE F**K NOW!!! And if I eat that half-King-sized smaller portion, which is even smaller than a regular sized Snickers Bar, is it going to SATISFY ME!!! HELL NO!!! I’m going to want to eat the other piece! Because Snickers is supposed to…SATISFY ME!!! Right?
Now this bit is really going to stroke your goat (and please excuse my possibly misused allegory (and misuse of ‘allegory’) because American is not my first language) but not only is it Wrong! to have two half-King-sized Snickers bars in a King-sized Snickers bar packet BUT! I bet that with the King-sized bar being halved…you’re actually getting just a little bit less Snickers bar than when it was one ginormous King-sized bar.
Try this now. Or with two new half-King-sized Snickers bars in the event that you’ve already eaten yours. Note that this may require a second trip to the gas station, so we’ll wait for you to get back. And it’s probably best to buy two King-sized Snickers bars in the event that you eat one before you get back.
Back now? Good.
Now press the two smaller bars together, end to end, and examine them. See that gap in the middle, between them, where the two half-King-sized Snickers bars don’t fit perfectly together? That air between them is actually the part of the Snickers bar you didn’t get.
Is this two half-King-sized Snickers bar a little bit cheaper than a single King-sized Snickers bar? I doubt it.
So not only did you NOT get the single King-sized Snickers bar you were hoping for, but you got robbed, too! The Mars company promised you a King-sized Snickers bar, and they failed to make good on their promise. Intentionally. They robbed you!
This actually reminds me of the Big-M brand flavored milk that we used to get in Australia ( I told you American wasn’t my first language) which used to come in 300ml and 600ml cartons. That would be…um…I guess about an 8oz carton and a pint-sized carton in American.
Some time during the early 1990s the 600ml carton was changed to a 500ml carton, being half a litre (and no, I didn’t misspell liter; I’m speaking/writing Australian here), and not only was the 500ml carton NOT 16% cheaper than the old 600ml carton (in fact it was the same price) but in containing 16% less milk than what you were expecting it just wasn’t quite as satisfying as a full pint of flavored milk. You were left wanting just a little bit more, and yet if you got a second one you ended up feeling bloated from drinking all that milk. You couldn’t win.
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By Julie on Jan 26, 2010
Over here, you get regular size, king size, and twin pack. You know what you’re getting.
I’m rather partial to twin packs. Not because I eat less, but because I like to pretend I only eat small portions and conveniently ignore how many portions got eaten.
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By Alex on Jan 26, 2010
HILARIOUS!
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By pixielation on Jan 30, 2010
talk about dumbing down chocolate – telling you how to keep some for laters. That really does sound like a dumb marketing move though. I would seem as if they want to be able to point out how socially responsible they are.
Maybe soon they’ll follow the alcohol board’s lead and put things like “consume chocolate responsibly” on the packaging.
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