I need to STOP GIVING CHANCES – The Shmazor

Ok. Ok, you guys. My MacBook is fixed! So that means no barely-relevant picture with some random placeholder text for you today.

Or for the last four days.

My bad. But I’ve been up to things. My dress is in for it’s final alterations and we pick it up on Friday, and they call the last appointment “Bustle Bootcamp” because it’s when they teach the bridesmaids or mothers or whoever how to do up the bustle on the dress. HOW STINKING CUTE IS THAT?

Also, I convinced my mom to buy sparkly jewelry to go with her dress. This is a big deal, just FYI. I did not get her to get a necklace as big as I had hoped I’d be able to, but it’s still quite flashy for her and she got a bracelet, so I’ve been spending some time patting me on the back and playing dumb flash games in reward.

ALSO? Remember a while ago, when I asked you what flavors I should change the cake filling to? I HAVEN’T CALLED YET. I’ll do it as soon as I hang up this post, I swear.

And another thing? We had decided against favors because, eh, meh, you know, but we were out and my mom keeps getting hung up on tiny favor boxes and bags, even though we have nothing to put in them. She stumbles across these particular tiny boxes that said “Hugs & Kisses from the Mr. & Mrs.” and she was just smitten with them. Especially once I told her that people probably filled them with Hershey’s Hugs & Kisses. But we left them, as we had decided no favors. Well, a short few moments later, at another store, she is looking at these sheets of small labels and wonders what they’re for. For the bottoms of Hershey Kisses, I tell her.

Yeah, guess who spent a few hours sticking “Kelly & Phil” stickers to the bottom of 400 Hershey Kisses?

Ok, but none of this is the point. The point is, generic products.

I think we’ve talked about this before – which products we (the general we – not the me and Phil we, but the you and me we) don’t mind buying generic and which products we must always have a specific name brand.

I think it’s a pretty clear cut choice for most people. Like, as far as I’m concerned, a person need only have generic ketchup one time to know that it should never, ever happen again.

And you only really need to look at super generic toilet papers to know that it would only take a few days of use for your delicate areas to be sanded smooth.

What I’m saying is, with certain products, you just know not to buy generic, that nothing good will come of it.

Well, I have this one particular product that I continually buy generic whenever I see a new generic brand pop up. Pink Daisy razors.

Already, the wise and time- and razor-tested among you are shaking your heads at me, but anyway.

Pink Daisy razors. I love them. I have tried everything else out there – Bics, the Venus, the one with soap around the blades, electric razors, depilatories, men’s razors – everything. I am fiercely loyal to the Pink Daisy razor. I’m sure you use a great razor, too, but I’m unswayable on this point. Pink Daisys for me.

The thing is, though, whenever we are at CVS or Walgreens or even the grocery store, and I see a pink colored knock off for a lower price – a shmazor, if you will – I am compelled to try it.

And every time, without fail, I am completely disappointed. Just because it is pink does not make it a pink Daisy razor. Just because it says, “COMPARE TO DAISY RAZORS!” does not mean it will compare favorably. Because it never does. And it is always a spectacular failure.

A pink Daisy razor can hang out in my shower for weeks at a time without issue, always ready to perform. While that is half testament to the quality of the razor and half testament to the frequency with which I actually shave, it’s not like I’m trying to shave any more frequently with a shmazor.

No, just once in a while, just enough shaving to still technically qualify as someone who prefers to shave the standard lady areas of shavery. And not matter what generic shmazor I try, the results are also disheartening and often bloody.

So, when I was packing for this trip, we were picking up a few last things in Target, including some pink Dasiy razors, when what should I see? Up & Up brand (Target’s new-ish generic line) pink razors. I immediately laser in on them and snatch them up, informing Phil, as usual, that they are significantly cheaper than the pink Daisy razors.

“Yeah, but don’t you always regret it when you buy the generic razors?”

“Well… usually, yeah. But I haven’t tried this brand, and I’ve liked a lot of the other Up & Up products, so, you know, they’re probably fine.”

THEY WEREN’T.

THEY WERE NOT FINE.

SHMAZORS OF THE HIGHEST DEGREE.

I had my first experience during a kind of jetlagged shower, attempting to shave my armpits underarms before a dress fitting. I made a few halfhearted swipes at the general area, not really needing too much of a shave and not really caring so much. Even with that minimal effort, however, I ended up making a mental note to grab another razor for my next attempt, as the first one out of the package seemed a bit shmazory, but I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt before conceding to Phil’s correctness, the WORST THING EVER to have to do.

So, the next time I was preparing a shower and shave, I grabbed a fresh razor – or at least, what I thought was a razor.

YOU GUYS.

That shmazor quit after one pit.

Solo el armpit-o.

I had to GET OUT OF THE SHOWER, mid-pit, and get ANOTHER SHMAZOR to tackle the second one.

And it’s not like I just gave up on it due to my obviously deeply held shmazor prejudices. No. I SWIPED and I SWIPED and I SWIPED. Nothing. I mean, seriously, nary a hair was being felled. I was doing that thing where you push your eyes all the way to the side to stare into your own armpit until they actually start to glaze over and get those sparkly things floating around in your vision and everything.

Nothing. I had to EXIT THE SHOWER for yet a third shmazor to even myself out. Never have I had a shmazor quit mid-pit on its first day out.

You guys, as with the rest of this blog, let this be a horrible lesson to you.

Do not compromise your armpits with shmazors.

23 thoughts on “I need to STOP GIVING CHANCES – The Shmazor

  1. Tchann

    Back in college, when I had limited finances and needed to scrimp and save, I purchased generic tampons.

    I used ONE. Because after waking up the next morning covered…well, you probably get the idea. NEVER AGAIN.

    TJ Reply:

    I don’t think I ever have or ever would try such a thing, no matter how dire our finances.

  2. Swistle

    Favorite parts:

    “as soon as I hang up this post”

    “you and me we”

    “sanded smooth”

    “I’m sure YOU use a great razor, too”

    “does not mean it will compare favorably”

    TJ Reply:

    My favorite comments are when you list your favorite parts of posts. It’s how I know YOU SO GET ME.

    TJ Reply:

    OH MAN. And I meant to tell you WEEKS AGO.

    When you said that you dislike posts that are obviously meant to be beautifully written?

    EYEBALL TO EYEBALL.

  3. Diane

    THE SPARKLY THINGS. I’m so glad I’m not the only one who sees them.

    TJ Reply:

    I was hoping someone would pipe up and say that!

    And not, like, “Um, sparkly things? Are you sure you’re not having a stroke?”

  4. David

    The way you feel about your pink daisys is the way I used to feel about my orange fusion razors. Then the real world of financial hardship came slamming down on me and I realized that there was no way I could continue to justify the insane cost of those razors. So my options were
    1. Turn into grizzly adams and stop shaving
    2. begin using another shaving method

    I seriously considered one, but my wife assured me that should I choose the Grizzly Adams method that I would soon find myself living alone in a cabin in the woods.

    All the other razors out there just seemed like cheap imitations of my much beloved fusions. So instead of trying to find a different disposable razor I went a different direction. I went old school and bought a double edge razor. The blades cost me pennys each and after a bit of practice I found I was even getting a better shave! Ok sure it takes a bit more effort, but it is so so soooo much cheaper. I rather like this one http://www.classicshaving.com/catalog/item/1240646/796537.htm?utm_source=gbase&utm_medium=CSC&utm_term=Select&utm_content=Select&utm_campaign=BROI&thissku=FR1120&site=google_base but there are lots of cheap options out there.

    Just a thought…

    Jessi Reply:

    I shaved my legs with one of those for years. All I have to say about it is that I am fairly certain women invented safety razors in the first place. I still have a scar.

    sKRAPS Reply:

    I am pretty sure I’d rip my throat out. I choose the Grizzly Adams look. The wife kind of likes it.

    She says I’m sexy in a Zach Galifianakis sort of way. I think she is insulting me, but I’m not sure.

  5. velocibadgergirl

    The sparkly-vision sideways eyeball thing is the most accurate description of the armpit-shaving process I’ve ever read, and for some reason made me laugh like a loon.

    Trin Reply:

    AGREED. That is the perfect description of the whole process. It’s like “I KNOW THERE IS HAIR THERE BUT ALL I SEE IS SPARKLES”.

  6. Life of a Doctor's Wife

    I have the schmazor problem, but with generic, ahem, bathroom tissue. I don’t know why. I mean, as you clearly stated, we all KNOW that generic bathroom tissue is gross and horrible. And yet I can never pay for the good stuff, even though it is so wildly better and I hate hate hate the bad stuff. Every day I vow anew to just pay the extra dollar or whatever for Charmin or Scott or whatever. And every time I am in Target or Costco to replenish supplies, I wind up being wooed by the low low price and buying the junky stuff.

    And I must end this comment now because it’s embarrassing me horribly.

  7. Kero

    Mayo, is another one of those things that should NEVER be bought generic. In fact, it should only be Hellmann’s… Kraft is an acceptable substitute if awesomely on sale WITH a coupon. NO OTHERS.

  8. Delicia

    Maybe you just have wonder woman armpit hair of steel? You could maybe grow it longer and make it into a lasso of justice.

    Totally agree on the generic vs. non-generic for some things. And my husband, being the cat-fishy bottom-feeder he is (bless his heart) DOESN’T GET IT. If I send him to the store I have to write specific brand names of things I want or he’ll just grab whatever, because he is so non-picky he’ll eat whatever or use whatever and not even care. HOW DARE HE BE SO EASY GOING!

    megan Reply:

    Totally just snorted out loud (at my office!) with the “lasso of justice” comment. OMG…totally going to find a way to work that into conversation somehow.

  9. cindy w

    Wow, I didn’t know other people got the sparkly sideways vision thing. I thought that was just my crazy eyeballs.

    I hate disposable razors. Haaaate. I leave a pack of non-gender specific disposable razors in our guest bath in case we have company who forgot theirs (usually my brother). But I refuse to use them myself. I think it’s just worth it to go ahead and invest in a good solid razor that only occasionally needs new blades. Less razor rash and better for the environment too. Double win.

  10. Alorina

    Oh the Hugs and Kisses are a fantastic idea for the favors you weren’t going to have! And your guests will think they are the cutest thing EVER! And yummy to boot!

    I also spent several hours (with the help of my 7 year old niece) sticking little round stickers on the bottom of Hersheys chocolates. I would have died of cuteness from the boxes that said ‘Hugs and Kisses from the Mr. and Mrs.’ though! I did not know such boxes existed and settled for clear plastic boxes that my hunny spent hourse assembling while I scruntched up tissue paper to nestle the chocolate on. Thank God my mother-in-law and several aunts-in-law took pity on my terrible bow-making skills and did all the ribbon and tags (they doubled as place cards) for us.

    Also… I am totally with you on the ketchup and toilet paper. Facial tissue too. Nothing worse than blowing your nose right through a cheap tissue and ending up with a gross and sticky hand.

    Razors however… I must stay away from pink razors of any kind. My rediculously sensitive legs (and other unmentionable areas) require equally rediculous expensive razors. My underarms on the other hand… I think I could use coarse sandpaper and they’d come out fine. go figure…

  11. megan

    I skip the middle man and just use men’s razors. Who needs a shmazor when you’ve got triple-blade, head-pivoting action?

  12. Johnny

    Men have the shmazor’s too. I’ve tried two or three knockoffs of my regular Schick’s. And have subsequently paid the price of looking like the victim of a slasher film for two days.

  13. Ashley

    Ketchup should be Heinz, toilet paper should be Charmin, and sparkly things in your vision should NOT be part of the shaving process. And I second what someone already said about generic tampons. Some things are worth paying the extra money for, and tampons are number one on that list!

  14. Natalie

    I’m with you on the razors. I don’t know the brand, but I inadvertently bought some triple-blade ones which were great. The next time I went with the cheaper two-blades, and was instantly like, WTF?! I have to get a new one each time I do legs, and then it’s only good for a few underarms before it goes in the trash.

    I am extremely near-sighted, which means that my close-up vision is very very good with no correction. I sometimes get weird situations in my underarms, and it’s only with no glasses and extrme close-up-ness that I can see to rectify these situations. It’s a sight to see me doing this, I’m sure (I can’t see myself in the mirror so it’s OK).

  15. Chelle

    I had the same problem with the up&up shmazors – except that the actual blade fell out as well! Never again!!!

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