I have to admit, though, it came very close to not happening this month. I think Cosmo is on to me, you guys. If they weren’t on to me, why would they be throwing me such softballs, right there on the cover?
Butt naked? BUTT naked? BUTT NAKED?
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, COSMO.
Anyway, in case you’ve never been here before, TJ’s Cosmo Cliff’s Notes is a monthly service I provide to you, the busy ladies of the Internet. Inside every issue of Cosmo is a page where you can get an overview of the whole magazine if you don’t have time to read it. I’ve taken it one step further, for those of you who don’t even have time to BUY it!
It’s time to open up the magazine and start flipping pages until I come to something worth reading!
This month, on the Hot Sheet, Cosmo brings us 6 trends that are on the rise. The one that immediately catches my attention is “cage dresses.” You remember when cage shoes were hot a couple of months back and when you tried to wear them, foot fat you didn’t know could possibly exist squished through the cage? It’s just like that, except with your back. So. That should be awesome. Yeah.
Also, uh, Peeps. Peeps are a hot trend. So… eat some?
In the new tradition of Cosmo, the one where they don’t make you flip through the entire magazine to find the feature story, Lady Gaga is right up at the front, where she should be. You think I’m going to SAY something about Lady Gaga, don’t you? Well, I’m not. Because she is a fancy lady. But I certainly have plenty to say about the article! She’s very young and has ex-boyfriends? Her tour is sold out? Some people find her hard to understand? You don’t SAY, Cosmo! Thank you for this refreshing take on the exact same article that’s been written three times a month since the day we were all blessed with Ms. Gaga!
I love this article they have in here this month, The Rise of the Less Successful Boyfriend. Just so you guys know, it’s okay now if they lady is the more “successful” member of the relationship. THROW OF YOUR BUSHELS, LADIES, AND LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE. It’s a trend, now, you see. I guess before this article, men and women were pairing up by levels of “success,” which the article may or may not define, since I couldn’t really take the time to read it because I have this new resolution to only read things that make sense and aren’t ridiculously stupid in order to save space in my brain for more important things, like math. Anyway, if you’re a successful lady and you’ve been single forever because of that dumb rule that says you can only date dudes that are more successful than you, it’s totally okay now to date someone you actually like as a person instead of being held back by where he is in his career. What a relief!
Oh, oh, 4 Signs He’s Hiding Something. I love when Cosmo takes the time out of its busy magazine to help me develop elaborate paranoid conspiracy theories!
1. His throat gets dry. BECAUSE HE’S HIDING SOMETHING? I thought that it was because we live in Arizona combined with the fact that he’s a functioning human being!
2. He wants more sex. JESUS it’s only sign two and I’m already on HIGH ALERT!
3. He gives too many details. Oh man, oh man. I knew that enjoying our evening conversations about our days and our lives in general was too good to be true!
4. His hands go into his pockets. HE TOLD ME THAT’S WHERE HE KEEPS HIS KEYS!
I’m going to have to hurry through the rest of this post, Internet, so I can go tear our house apart and set keyloggers on Phil’s computer and shrilly interrogate every single person he’s friends with on Facebook because OH MY GOD, Y’ALL.
Want to know how to show that you’re Fun and Fearless with your Fashion this month? Wear an acid wash denim bustier. Go ahead. I’ll watch. From back here. So no one knows we’re together.
I’m skipping this whole Sex Positions That Rock Your G-Spot thing because you know, I do this whole thing in the interest of saving you guys TIME, so it would be kind of backwards for me to start wasting your time, right? So, think back to the last time Cosmo wrote about sex positions at all, and then just tell yourself that those same positions are the ones that are going to “rock your G-spot,” because you know what, Cosmo, there really are only SO MANY sex positions that the average couple will 1, even attempt and 2, find comfortable and 3, not break someone’s genitals and/or hips. Aside from that, it is all penis/vagina anatomy so unless you’re going to start providing diagrams of every possible penis/vagina shape & compatibility, you are no longer helping anyone. GIRL ON TOP? HOW NOVEL AND DARING, YOU ASSHOLES. GOSH.
Fun, Easy Ways to Fall More in Love! Ok, let me look through here real quick and see if there’s anything new, interesting, or non-common sense on offer!
Ok. Ok, I think I have a pretty good summation here. To Cosmo, fun, easy ways to fall more in love basically equates to developing some big, thickly-lashed doe eyes and batting them at your big, stwooong man every chance you get.
Also, cater to him at every possible opportunity, like let him have the best section of the paper even if you got to it first, and reward him for doing basic household chores with snacks and applause. And, direct quote, “Without asking, swap his empty beer for a fresh one when he’s watching the game.” This is how you will fall more in love with him.
Oh, Cosmo. Oh, Cosmo, Cosmo, Cosmo.
A New Way to Cheat-Proof Love. “Every month, author and journalist Kristina Grish contemplates the sweet, surprising and often totally confusing world of marriage.”
I’m not even reading this. Don’t date & marry guys who have cheated in the past AND, on top of THAT, develop ESP. Because that shit happens, y’all. And it sucks and it’s terrible and I’m not going to tell someone woman who has been cheated on that if she JUST READ COSMO, she could have “cheat proofed” her love. Come on.
Want a Kick-Ass New Job? I think more people would be interested in this article if it left out the words “kick-ass” and “new.”
I have a question, Cosmo – do you have like… people on the ground, at all? I mean, I know it’s hard to see the normies from way up there in your castle on Cosmo Cliffs, but are you aware of life down here? Even a little?
Cosmo’s Monthly Way that Innocent and Beautiful Women (So Beautiful That it Makes it Totally Extra Tragic) Get Murdered: driving alone. Come on, ladies. You know better than to do anything without your man. Did you not cheat-proof your love or something? Is Cosmo writing all of this for Cosmo’s health? I don’t think so.
50 More Things to Do Naked! BUTT naked, apparently, goddamnit Cosmo.
2. Have a naked dinner with your guy… and Cosmo suggests, specifically, that you use the phrase “Please pass the juicy sausage.”
I’m being punked, aren’t I?
26. Update Facebook! It’s exciting because none of your friends will know you’re typing to them – WHILE NAKED!
No, seriously, are there cameras somewhere?
34. Read the news. The theory being, apparently, that being naked “takes the edge off” downer news.
ASHTON? ASHTON ARE YOU HERE?
Look, you guys, I’m sorry that TJ’s Cosmo Cliff’s Notes is extra short this month, but blame Cosmo. They are obviously attempting to have some fun at my expense.