How the Food Network makes me ok with being me.
January 4th, 2010 | by TJ |So on Saturday, when Phil and I ventured out to find Buffalo Something (the store being a whole different experience I will write about tomorrow), we had breakfast at a place called Matt’s Big Breakfast.
Matt’s Big Breakfast has been featured on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, that show on the Food Network with Guy Fieri and I know it’s totally trendy to say I hate Guy Fieri because one really chef-ity chef said that he didn’t like Guy Fieri and now lots of people are like “Yeah! That guy! Rabble rabble!”
But whatever, dude, because you know what, I like the man. I think he just bugs people because he’s so not special. I mean, he’s not food-elevated. He’s unapologetically non-fancy. And common. He features places like Matt’s Big Breakfast which was amazing and has Phil raving about eggs and Phil does not like eggs. He also has bleachity hair and he’s loud. I used to have bleachity hair and I’m still loud. So basically, if you hate Guy Fieri, you hate past me and half of current me. But anyway, that’s also something I should talk about tomorrow, how Guy Fieri relates to Buffalo Something, Bon Jovi, my sophomore year of college, parenting, and how exhausting it must be to be some people. Tomorrow.
I was telling Aunt Becky about how I went to Matt’s Big Breakfast and ranting on, as I do, about bleachity hair and she confessed that she doesn’t really watch the Food Network. Which, I guess, I kind of understand, because you’re either into the Food Network or you’re not, but what’s funny about the Food Network is that you don’t really have to be into food to be into the Food Network. Phil and I certainly aren’t what you’d call food people. At least, real food people wouldn’t like to be associated with us. Food people. Not like, professional food people. You know who I mean right now. I mean the people that I would be embarrassed to ask to grab dinner with me because I like Claim Jumper, you know? Because they’d eyebrow me. They’d eyebrow me in that way that says that they’re a step up on one of the life ladders because they’re a food person. I mean, obviously not all food people are food people. But if they’d eyebrow you, they’re food people. A lot of those food people have sprung up from the wealth of foodial information available on the Food Network.
I love the Food Network. I love the foodial information available. I love totally telling myself I’m going to make that insanely complicated dish while also setting my table with a clever centerpiece and making friends who would want to be entertained at my home during a charming dinner party which I would throw because also, I will totally become the type of person who throws charming dinner parties, the Food Network has so inspired me.
But do you know why I really watch the Food Network?
Unwrapped.
That’s my show.
Marc Summers gets me.
Ever since Double Dare, Family Double Dare, What Would You Do, and the dumb Halloween Special he did that one time, Marc Summers has known what I’ve wanted to see on television. My whole life, he’s been there – with slime, family-friendly trivia, that big mouth thing it always looked like it would be really cool to jump through, remember that thing? Man, I wanted to jump through that thing, or hey, that wringer thing, remember those days they’d only put like, chocolate syrup on the other side and it really seemed like the wringer guy was totally just phoning it in that day? Anyway.
Now, here he is with Unwrapped.
Marc Summers doesn’t care about me finding the freshest ingredients from the farmers market or how virgin my olive oil is (not very, just FYI – it makes me feel judged). He’s never telling me to make anything from scratch or how much better my life would be if I would just get off my ass and head to China for real spices.
No, not Marc Summers. He knows me better than that. He always has.
Does Marc Summers say things to me like “chiffonade” or “mire poix?”
No.
Does Marc Summers show me food from exotic locations and expensive restaurants that I’m totally going to add to my “Life List?”
No, because Marc Summers know I don’t have a “Life List,” because Marc Summers gets me.
Does Mark Summers pretend like it’s totally possible for me to cook three different dishes at the same time and manage to get them all finished, plus set a beautiful table while it’s all going on?
Nuh uh, Marc Summers sees the real me, not the me I wish I was. And that feels good, Internet.
I’ll tell you what Marc Summers says to me. He says,
“TJ, let’s not play. I know you’re sitting slouched on the couch in front of your television with a frozen pot pie that still kind of frosty in the middle – mash it a little bit there, with your fork, sometimes that helps a little, yeah, like that – so let’s take a look at how they’re made.”
“Hey, you ever wonder how that crunchity coating gets on that ice cream novelty you are shamelessly sucking on? Well, wipe off your chin and watch this!”
Damn, Internet, one time? For my birthday? Marc Summers did a whole episode about food on sticks. I mean, I like Alton Brown as much as the next guy. I really do! And I watch the cooking shows and I totally intend to make those awesome recipes some day. And I really am going to go to whatever country and eat the whatever bug because man, did that look amazing when that one guy did it, and I admit, right now, I might be getting confused with the Travel Channel. But come on. Food on sticks.
Let’s be real here, Internet. All day long, the Food Network shows all of their food porn and chef porn and chefs who could probably be in porn and all those other shows that are designed to make us, Standard Fat America, feel like we are totally well educated food people, too good for Applebee’s (which is an unfair example on my part because that place sucks) and too good for loud dudes with bleachity hair who just want some good food that is too big and too brash and too unrefined to suit the kind of person we want other people to think we are. Hell, daytime Food Network fools me into thinking that I could totally be the type of person I want me to think I am. Which I am not.
And then at night when it is juuuust dark enough, we can pull down the shades and fling open freezer and microwave doors across the country and scurry to couches in our sweatpants and our Slankets and watch my television boyfriend, Marc Summers, come along and tell us that it’s all good, he gets it and he gets us, and did you know that there is a word for that orange dust of shame that is often the only remaining evidence that that bag of Cheetos ever existed? It’s like Marc Summers comes along at the end of the Food Network broadcasting day to tell you that it’s okay to aim for the middle once in a while. Or most of the time. And that is why Marc Summers is my TV boyfriend.
Because he makes me feel good about being me.
Can we talk about how they get the caramel to stick to the popcorn next? ‘Cause I’ve got a tub with our names on it, Marc.
By Nona on Jan 4, 2010
How totally jealous of me will you be if I told you I met Marc Summers once, many, many years ago, when we were both kids in Indianapolis?
True story. I was in the audience of a locally produced kids’ Saturday morning show and he was the host (I was probably 10 and he was a young teenager.)
He was adorable then and is adorable now.
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TJ Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 2:26 pm
I would be totally jealous. However, I don’t think I could have fully appreciated Marc Summers at 10.
At the ripe old age of 28, I am truly ready to accept Marc Summers into my life.
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By Nona on Jan 4, 2010
And I love Guy Fieri and I don’t care what Anthony Bourdain thinks about him. Guy eats food I would eat.
Bourdain eats rat’s entrails that have been preserved in fermented urine because some natives in an exotic place told him it was a delicacy.
And I’ll bet the same natives laughed their asses off when he left because that stupid American fell for that shit.
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Adlib Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 12:49 pm
You made me laugh! I hate Anthony Bourdain, and it makes me glad he isn’t on my Food Network.
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TJ Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 2:28 pm
Yes. He eats food that I would eat. Not that there’s anything WRONG with the food that other shows create or feature. But there’s nothing wrong with the food Guy’s restaurant makes or the food his show features, either. I would eat that. Plain old average boring me.
You know who hates Guy Fieri? The people I am posting about tomorrow. Ha.
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By Adlib on Jan 4, 2010
I LOVE the Food Network and am probably addicted to it. I can’t go without watching Iron Chef America, and I also love Marc Summers and Guy Fieri. I am jealous that you got to go to a place that was on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives because I always want to go to every place on that show! I’m sure he’s probably been to Indianapolis, and I need to just look it up so I can enjoy some of that awesome food he’s always eating.
I’m a big Anne Burrell fan also because she is always so enthusiastic about her cooking (and she growls while doing it sometimes). I actually made some of the dishes she has, and it definitely took forever, but man, was it good!
On a related note, since Unwrapped is always showing things usually made in factories or in some sort of assembly-line fashion, I also love How It’s Made (and will probably love Factory Made when it comes out). My husband thinks I’m boring when I watch these shows, but I’m always fascinated! Is it just me?
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TJ Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 2:30 pm
I love “where shit comes from” shows! Not boring at all.
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Nona Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 6:47 pm
Adlib: I am originally from Indianapolis! Fist bump, my Hoosier!
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Adlib Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 6:21 am
Awesome! It’s a good place to be. :) *fist bumps back*
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By Tchann on Jan 4, 2010
I would totally watch Food Network if I had real cable. That and HGTV. And TLC. But that’s probably about it.
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TJ Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 2:31 pm
The higher up you go in the channels, the more of a wasteland it turns into, but you can usually find some kind of Law & Order reruns, which I am always down for, and there are two channels that play Roseanne reruns late into the night. Those + Food Network + Discovery Health + TLC and I’m set.
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By Awlbiste on Jan 4, 2010
Man vs Food, that’s my show. I am *all about* Adam Richman.
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TJ Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 5:46 pm
We are into that show, too, both for deliciousness and for the fact that it pretty much makes me sympathy-full for hours. Phil pretty much thinks every challenge is totally simple and he could SO do that SO easily. And I roll my eyes a lot.
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Awlbiste Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 6:25 pm
The man who was bested by a Denny’s burger? Man, your eyesockets must hurt a lot.
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By Skraps on Jan 4, 2010
@Tchann…
Don’t watch TLC. It is all john&kate and midgets. Seriously. Every other show is about midgets and cameras following them. Oh but cake midgets boss. Cake Boss is the only good show on TLC, watch that one but avoid the others.
p.s. I had to add midgets on the 3 rd line for symmetry, cause you know 3 midgets are funny.
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TJ Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 5:46 pm
They’re LITTLE PEOPLE and what is wrong with those shows?
Cake Boss is a lame ripoff of Ace of Cakes.
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Skraps Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 5:50 pm
There is nothing wrong with those shows per se. But the fact that 1/2 their line up in “little people” shows makes TLC feel kind of redundant.
I have never seen Ace of Cakes, so I don’t know. I just know Cake Boss is a ginormous Italian family working/yelling at each other. It reminds me a lot of my family, just substitute Polish for Italian.
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By boomer on Jan 4, 2010
Awlbiste, MvF isn’t even ON Food Network. That’s a Travel Channel show. But to your point, that’s pretty much an indicator of how Food Network stays losing because they don’t air shows starring Adam Richman. Instead, we get Giada and Duff, Guy Fieri and Paula Deen, and even a show starring a CHEF who doesn’t COOK, Sandra Lee. Those are shows so bad that it makes me pine for the days when Emeril was the Food Network franchise player.
Now, Alton Brown is the Food Network franchise player, and while I like ACTUAL diners, drive-ins, and dives as much as the next person, I don’t want or need a SHOW about them because half the fun of those places is finding ‘em yourself.
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TJ Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 5:47 pm
The stuff on the Food Network appeals to the majority of the people who are actually watching it, I’d think.
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Awlbiste Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 6:28 pm
Well it is a food show with a normal guy who eats the kind of foods I like to eat and doesn’t act all uppity about chili dogs. Or corn dogs. Or any kind of dog.
I don’t know that I would eat 5 lbs of -dogs, but I sure do love one or two.
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By Chaninn on Jan 4, 2010
Guy rocks and Marc Summers is adorable. I totally watch both shows and have you watched Chopped yet? My husband and I watch just to see the “chefs” screw up their dishes. =)
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TJ Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 5:48 pm
I catch little bits of it but I’m not so much into the game shows as I am into the informational shows. I like Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, I like Alton Brown sometimes, I like Unwrapped. Other stuff I watch if it happens to be on when I’m pointed in the general direction of the television.
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By TheWicked on Jan 4, 2010
As Awlbiste said Man Vs. Food is a great show, although I can’t say I’m *all about* Adam Richman.
I guess I’ll have to disagree with some others, Anthony Bourdain is awesome. He travels like I WISH I could. Who cares about seeing the Eiffel Tower or the Great Wall? I want to walk around the city getting liquored up, eating at random local restaurants, and actually experiencing the local culture.
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TJ Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 5:51 pm
I don’t know. I find him an example of what can be annoying about the Food People. That is, if you’re not experiencing things on what people like Anthony Bourdain decides is an authentic level, you’re doing it wrong. You’re writing off the Eiffel Tower the Great Wall and as touristy hooey, but what is wrong, really, with wanting to see THOSE things?
That is what I have a problem with. There’s nothing wrong with EITHER experience. We’re just being trained to disdain one as common and beneath us and revere the other, for no good reason. It’s just two different things for two different tastes. One isn’t better than the other.
(This isn’t meant as a dig against you, but against the nature of the beast.)
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Epicyon Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 7:53 pm
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to see those things. (Eiffel Tower, and the Great Wall). I believe the point shows like Bourdain’s is trying to make is that the surrounding peoples and cultures have a lot more to offer than just those major destinations.
Well, that and the generally uppity assumption of people who have spent a week visiting the Great Wall and think they’ve “done China”. (and no not that way, get your mind out of the gutter.)
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TJ Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 8:07 pm
See, the attitude is still coming through in your comment. If I spend a week visiting the Great Wall and other major tourist destinations in China and I’m happy with my Chinese vacation, it’s not any more or less authentic/valuable than tramping down some random side street to find some random food you can’t pronounce.
I think it’s an equally “uppity assumption” that you need to do things ANY certain way to have the “correct” experience.
It’s like the way people insist that food is always better at places they will always call either a “hole in the wall” or “mom & pop” location. If you feel like you know a secret, or you’ve experienced something fewer people have experienced, you’re going to feel like you’ve had a better or more authentic experience, and that is not always the case. It’s like people feel like the more people they share an experience with (tourist attractions, chain restaurants), the less real the experience is. I think THAT is the uppity attitude. In truth, tourist attractions are often sites rich with a country’s history and chain restaurants are popular because their food appeals to the masses.
Different people enjoy different experiences. It’s when we start to display this “uppity attitude” about the experiences that other people are enjoying – perfectly valid, perfectly authentic experiences – that we are starting to be uppity people on the whole.
But this is, in part, my post for tomorrow, so I suppose I will just have to wait until tomorrow to expand this novel into a full set of encyclopedias.
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By Swistle on Jan 4, 2010
I like anyone who will sift through a TON of information for me and give me the gist of it and/or the good parts.
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TJ Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 6:17 pm
That’s why I like Guy Fieri. I know he likes what I like, so I just need to go to a place in Phoenix he’s already vetted for me.
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By Carrie on Jan 4, 2010
OK, so I always wanted to be on Double Dare. I could have kicked some ass on that obstacle course, too. And I have loved Unwrapped ever since he did the show on hot dogs and featured a place that we supply. This post makes me so sad that we don’t have cable any more. I swear to God that this weekend I’m going to get a hotel room and do nothing but sit on some crappy bed and watch Food Network. I miss it that much.
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TJ Reply:
January 4th, 2010 at 6:18 pm
See, it used to be when I thought of cable, I thought of the premium movie networks, but now I know I would be lost without the weird specialty niche channels like the Food Network.
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By Mikey on Jan 4, 2010
I LOVE the food network and the travel channel.
Alton Brown- for president!!!
Guy- love his show
Anthony Bourdain- Huge fan love his show
Andrew Zimmer – love that sick bastard
and last but not least Giada puts the porn in my food porn. <3
I hate Paula Dean! yup i said it.
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By Bellwether on Jan 4, 2010
Food Network shows are the only things that can make me feel a little sad I’m still vegetarian.
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By Shin Ae on Jan 4, 2010
(1) We love Unwrapped. Even my kids love it. However, I don’t really love The Food Network.
(2) When I was in seventh grade, my whole class WENT TO DOUBLE DARE. This was because two of the kids from our class had been chosen to be on the show. Yep. Awesome.
(3) Thank you for saying “Slanket” and not “Snuggie,” because Slanket was the original and also I have one and also it is AWESOME. Although Snuggies are starting to amuse me as what they are which is the cheap knock-off, in the same way that obviously fake, garish plastic flowers amuse me. But real roses are real roses. You know? Slanket.
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By Aufero on Jan 4, 2010
I don’t watch TV anymore (I’d act all superior about that, but half the stuff I do online makes TV look highbrow by comparison) but I found this hilarious because I know a number of self-described foodies who won’t use an ingredient in their cooking unless it was grown in Nepal, fertilized with yeti dung and personally picked by Buddhist Monks during the annual Festival of the Frog Intestines. (Or something.) They tend to cringe in horror when I bring Chinese chicken salad to a potluck.
The last cooking show I watched regularly was The Frugal Gourmet. It was perfect for me – great food, lots of fun, not much attitude.
And your blog is made of awesome. Wish I’d followed the link from Daniel Howell’s blog(s) earlier, because I’ve been laughing my butt off reading your last few months of posts.
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By Epicyon on Jan 5, 2010
No fair, can’t reply to a replied reply.
I apologize if I implied that being satisfied with a tourist vacation makes one plebeian.
The issue I have is with people who have taken tourist vacations and incorrectly extrapolate that experience into applying to every aspect of a culture.
Bourdain’s show, which my wife hates, seems to be showing what else the places he visits have to offer rather than deriding those who only take tourist vacations.
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By sister on Jan 5, 2010
OH MY GOSH I TOTALLY SAW THE CHEETOS EPISODE
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAND HOW THEY GET THE CARAMEL ON THE POPCORN!!!!!!! AND I DON’T EVEN HAVE CABLE!
and my TV boyfriend is chuck woolery cause one time i had a dream that i made out with him.
could be worse.
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By Phaedra on Jan 5, 2010
Jim Gaffigan does a bit about the Food Network being porn that’s pretty funny. Though, to be fair, I think just all of Jim Gaffigan’s bits are funny.
My husband and I are huge Food Network fans. Iron Chef, Iron Chef America, and Alton are our favorites. He gets uncomfortable around me when I watch Paula, however. He seems to think when I tell Paula stuff like “yeah, sprinkle more sugar on” or “drizzle that butter”, I’m being dirty.
I do remember feeling bad watching one “Unwrapped” episode. Marc was at a candy store and was helping make chocolates or something. The guy who worked there told Marc to “make it perfect”.
As for the whole “hole in a wall” thing being more authentic, I see both sides. My mother and I used to go to this awesome little restaurant in Jim Thorpe, The Black Bread Cafe. For years, it literally was a hole in the wall but man was the food awesome. Then, one year, it was bigger…and the food was worse. Last year, we didn’t recognize the place. It had gotten popular, they had expanded, and the whole restaurant, even the menu, had been completely changed. We kinda felt like we had been robbed.
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By Bernie on Jan 7, 2010
I think I’m missing the point. When you say food porn I think of Ruben Stoddard and Louie Anderson playing paintball with guns that shoot cream puffs.
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