Temerity Jane

FINALLY. A TALENT.

She’s 6 weeks old today. I was beginning to despair that she’d ever develop any marketable skills.

Words to follow Penny.

Penny’s Impressions

“O’Doyle rules!”

“Steve Holt!”

“Judd Nelson!”

Don’t you… forget about Penny.
DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T YOU… forget about Penny.

Okay, so Judd Nelson’s character never actually yells, “JUDD NELSON!” But come on. Be fair. She’s 6 weeks old. Her cultural awareness is a little bit lacking. Rest assured, though, we do intend on making her catch up with popular culture, starting with the 80s. She should become aware of CGI and this horrible 3D trend and the baffling continued career of Ben Stiller sometime in 2030.

I get a lot of invitations to connect with people on Good Reads, because I am a member of Good Reads. Except, I’ve never actually used Good Reads, because I suffer from “if I can’t do it RIGHT, I am just not going to do it AT ALL” disease, but only in the most ridiculous and non-consequential of circumstances.

See, I’ll go to Good Reads and I’ll put in the book I’m currently reading, and maybe the one I am going to read next. (And this is AFTER I’ve re-taught myself how to navigate the site and all of that.) And I will browse around a bit and see that someone is reading the book I just finished. So I add that one.

Then I notice that that someone ALSO just read something I read years ago, and I think, “Hey, I read that. I’l add it.” So I’ve got three current-ish books and then one from years ago. Except? None of them are like, weighty Books. They’re just books. Little b. So I look around to add a couple of the Books to my list. So I’ve got three current books and a scattering of long ago books.

But that’s not ALL that I’ve READ. So I start pinballing around the site, adding a random romance novel I remember reading and all of my 11th grade English curriculum and become determined to add EVERY BOOK I HAVE EVER READ so that people understand that I didn’t just hatch out of an egg and start reading books in 2009.

Because I DIDN’T. I have been reading books WAY LONGER than that. I’ve been reading books since I was little. Since the womb. I’VE BEEN READING BOOKS FOR ONE MILLION YEARS.

And I feel like Good Reads needs to know that, because to leave a book out is tantamount to admitting that I’m a terrible, poorly read reader.

So then I try again. I add the book I’m reading. Maybe the one I’m going to read next. Maybe the one I just finished, if it was really recent. And then, just for good measure, I’ll add just a couple of my favorites. A Prayer for Owen Meany, maybe. And I’ll add Paper Towns by John Green and the Hunger Games trilogy to demonstrate my enjoyment of young adult stuff. And I’ll but on The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, but only to indicate that I never finished it and it sat staring at me from my bedside table for over a YEAR, because, SERIOUSLY, how the HELL are people actually READING IT?

There. That seems like a good representation of my tastes. I can move on from there.

OH, WAIT, let me add a couple from my romance novel stage in high school, hee! And, well, if I’m doing high school, let me just put on one or two of the classics I read in class. Just so I look well rounded.

But I’m not a total nerd, so let me put on some of the fluffy chick lit. Oh, and I also started that series… which books in the series have I read? Hmm… better look them all up… Ok, this one, this one, but not this one. At the same time, I remember reading those other books, let me check for — AUGH.

Anyway, I’ve decided to attempt to start all over with Good Reads once again, except I am ONLY going to put down my CURRENT BOOK and move forward from there, and I need EVERYONE TO ACKNOWLEDGE that I DID INDEED read books before this week, okay?

The reason I’ve decided to start again is because Phil bought the new Barnes & Noble nook for me, since I am spending so much time sitting with my lap and arms all full of baby recently. Except, I don’t actually have a nook, even though he preordered it like everyone else who has the new nook now. Not only do I not have the nook, I don’t have the second nook he ordered for me yet, nor do we have a refund for the FIRST nook, even though Phil has spent almost 2 hours total on the phone being given the absolute run around by two different departments, each of whom keeps saying the other is mistaken.

Honestly, the experience with Barnes & Noble customer service has been SO AWFUL that if Phil hadn’t gone ahead and ordered the second nook already, I would have told them to shove it after we get the refund for the first nook. IF we ever get the refund for the first nook.

I am just so aggravated because I had never really wanted an e-reader for myself, but Phil kept suggesting it, so I looked into the new nook. The ability to borrow from the library plus the Phoenix library system’s extensive collection of borrowable e-books shot down my main problem with e-readers: that I would end up spending ENTIRELY too much money on books when the library is right down the street. So I had just about decided I finally wanted one, when Phil let me know that not only had he preordered me one, but that they were shipping early and I would have one in just TWO DAYS and I got ALL EXCITED and you know what? It never came. It never came, they wouldn’t send a new one until the one that NEVER CAME went back to their warehouse, and even THEN, they wouldn’t send a new one – just issue a refund which could take WHO KNOWS HOW LONG.

And on top of THAT, all the stores around would not sell any, since they were for PREORDERS, which we had TOTALLY DONE and you know what? EVERYONE IN THE WORLD HAS A NOOK BUT ME. We have paid for TWO and I have NONE and everyone else ever has one.

See, and people thought I was silly for not wanting an e-reader.

I don’t know how often, if ever, I’ve used this space to complain about a company, but honestly, this whole thing with Barnes and Noble has been such a clusterfuck, I just wish Barnes and Noble was actually Mr. Barnes Noble so I had someone to poke right in the goddamn eye. Mr. Barnes Noble has obviously never been a large chested lady, a large chested lady who needs at least one hand to support her large chestiness when breastfeeding and thus CANNOT READ A BOOK and instead must watch old DVR’d episodes of Law & Order: Los Angeles, even though he long ago decided that if it’s not SVU, he’s not interested.

Oh, while I’m talking about hate, let me tell you about the other thing I hate right now.

I read a lot of message boards – not just a particular couple that I enjoy on the regular, but all kinds of random ones while looking for information and help on various issues. I mean, who doesn’t, at this point in the life of the Internet? If you’re having any kind of struggle or question about any issue or process or whatever, there are not only entire webpages dedicated to various solutions, but also tons of threads on message boards asking the same question, loaded with responses from all kinds of people. The Internet is one big collection of experiences for you to suck answers from, you know? Once you learn how to separate the crap from the legitimate, you pretty much never have to speak to another live person ever again.

Anyway, often, someone will post some kind of interpersonal issue, either just to tell a story or to ask how they should handle it or should have handled it, and without fail, there’s someone who answers AS the original poster.

I mean, instead of saying, “Well, this is what I would have done,” or “I think that you should do this,” they step into the role of the person asking the question and reply as if they are that person, saying what they would have said in the situation, except? EXCEPT? It’s always some kind of weird, stilted, overly formal speech. And really steel-spine confrontational. And then everyone who replies after that is like, “YES, EXACTLY” or “HAHAHA!” or “You’re my hero!” to that person who replied or whatever, as if they’re so clever and ballsy except you know what?

NO ONE EVER TALKS LIKE THAT. That responder would NEVER say that in that situation because just like the original poster and just about every other normal person EVER, they would stammer, blush, say something awkward, go home, and THEN come up with 800 things they SHOULD have said. And none of them would be some long discourse with big words and perfectly delineated point-by-point cut downs and rebuttals. No. They’d be more like, “I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?”

Because that’s how normal people are.

But there’s always that ONE PERSON who responds to every post that way, answering as if they are the original poster, showing HOW MUCH MORE AWESOMELY and BAD ASS-ER-LY they would handle any situation, and then waits for everyone else to be all, “Oh, I wish I was as quick on my feet as you,” except, WHAT? They’re responding on a message board! Probably in their underpants! Chewing a granola bar thoughtfully while composing the perfect response in their own time! And in real life, if faced with that exact situation, they would probably choke on their granola bars.

BECAUSE NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT. And we ALL suck at confrontation and awkward personal interactions. And NO ONE comes up with the perfect thing to say until the middle of the night, when they sit bolt upright and say, “GodDAMNIT!,” because obviously there was a totally perfect response all along.

Ok, no one knows what I’m talking about. Seriously, people. It’s 2011. Read more message boards.

BONUS MATERIAL:

A couple of weeks back, I sent her a picture of Penny’s outfit, and Penny happened to be crying.
Her response? “It’s a good thing I know you guys don’t beat her!”

MOM.
WHAT THE HELL.

Tags: babies, baby celebrity impressions, breakfast club with babies