Division of Household Labor
March 31st, 2010 | by TJ |
This is what my guest bed looks like right now.
If you recall, this is not what my guest bed looked like just a couple of weeks ago.
It looked like this:
That’s right. With dreamy haze and everything.
Anyway, in order to explain to you why my bedroom went from that to what you see that the top there, first I have to tell you about how we divide up the chores in this house.
It all comes down to one simple, somewhat crude rule:
If you give a shit, it’s your job.
For example, while Phil does generally clean up after dinner if I cook for him, he doesn’t wash the pots and pans. I’m picky about how I want them washed (no scrubbies and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PHIL, no dishwasher). I give a shit, so it’s my job.
Phil used to do all of the laundry, because he liked it all sorted out by individual color, even though he was then going to wash it all on cold. Therefore, it was his job. He has recently decided that he doesn’t give that much of a shit any more, so it has become my job. Aside from his Air Force clothes. Something about optical brighteners and the enemy and night vision and whatever I tuned out 15 minutes ago because this is Arizona and you work in an office and try to out-fart each other. Anyway. He washes his own Air Force clothes.
Phil has owned a Dyson since before we got together and I find the thing ridiculously complicated. Since Phil would prefer that I not yank on, punch, kick or otherwise exercise my frustrations on the vacuum itself, he does the vacuuming, for the most part. Since I am the one who feels that vacuuming alone is not enough, mopping falls to me.
Phil enjoys a clean toilet, sink and shower as much as the next guy, but as long as there is nothing green growing anywhere and there is still enough clear mirror to see through, he seems unbothered by it all. Wiping out the shower, swiping the toilet bowl and dusting off the counter tops and general bathroom cleaning falls to me because, well. It needs to be done.
So you see what I’m getting at here. If you give a shit, it’s your job.
Which brings me to this.
As I said above, the laundry is my job, among other things. I don’t mind those other things. I’ll cook, I’ll mop the floors, I’ll clean the toilet and dust all our crap, no problem.
I will not, however – not now and not ever – fold laundry.
I will wash and dry laundry all day long. I’ll hang it on our line if it can’t go in the dryer, or spread it out to dry flat if the tag calls for it. Once it’s clean and dry, though, I’m done. Left to my own devices (as I was, for years and years), I will live out of a laundry basket perfectly happily. I’ve developed complex routines involving shaking, Downy Wrinkle Releaser, shower steam and the fluff cycle in order to avoid folding, and I am quite content to continue along those lines.
I’m sure you can see by now where this is going.
Phil likes his laundry folded and hung up, as appropriate. Since he gives a shit, that’s his job. He’s well aware that I won’t fold laundry, and agrees that it’s fair that if I’m going to do all the laundry and he is so hung up on things being all “neat” and “orderly” in closets and drawers, that that’s all on him.
So, a couple of weeks ago, we bought a washer and dryer and I began to do laundry. Since we had so much laundry backlog (even after the laundromat trip), I was using our two baskets for laundry transport and just piled the clean stuff on top of the dryer. Eventually I told him that I needed the space on the top of the dryer for more laundry, and he obligingly folded everything – several loads by that point.
The days continue on and I did still more laundry. And more laundry. And how the hell do two people generate so much laundry? I piled it on top of the dryer again, and when a few loads were there, I let Phil know that they were ready for him. I didn’t nag, of course, because I didn’t give a crap and a half if they ever got folded, but since the laundry room isn’t somewhere he goes on a daily basis, I let him know as a courtesy.
Another day or two goes by and I let him know again that the laundry is pretty high in there and that I was out of space for more clean laundry. Fishing underpants out of the pile as I needed them, I didn’t mind and I still didn’t nag. However, knowing that he likes his clothes folded and that out of sight is often out of mind, I made sure to let him know that if he wanted clean clothes, that’s where they were, and that if he wanted them folded, he’d need to do it soon, or else I wouldn’t be able to do more laundry.
Finally there came a day – about a week ago – when attempting to reach over or through the pile to turn on the dryer was resulting in clothes knocked all over the floor, leading to the rewashing of already clean items, as well as the vanishing of several socks down between the wall and the dryer. That day, I told Phil this:
“You know I don’t care whether you fold the laundry or not, and I know we’re busy today, but I need to do more laundry, so I’m just letting you know that this afternoon, I’m going to take all of the laundry from on top of the dryer and I’m going to put it on our bed for you. If you don’t get around to folding it, that’s totally fine by me. But if it’s still there when I get ready to go to bed, I am going to push it all onto the floor and live out of a floor pile until it’s all gone.”
He kind of rolled his eyes at me a little, which really wasn’t fair, because you have to believe me, Internet – as someone with absolutely zero personal investment in folded clothes, I truly didn’t nag.
Afternoon rolls around, and I wanted to do more laundry and I told him – I’m going to put the clothes on our bed. But we still had a lot to do that day and it was clear he wasn’t going to be able to get to folding them – through no fault of his own, because moving into a new place is a busy time of buying strainers and hanging mirrors.
So I asked him, “Where should I put them?”
“Put them on the guest bed,” he replied.
By Awlbiste on Mar 31, 2010
Okay, I’ll be right there.
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TJ Reply:
March 31st, 2010 at 12:20 pm
I’m sure Phil would appreciate it, but I like of like seeing all of my clothes laid out for me like that.
Also, I didn’t know where my favorite pajama pants were until I posted this picture.
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By Melissa on Mar 31, 2010
I HATE folding, but I also hate living out of a laundry basket. Jason hates folding, but he doesn’t care to live out of a laundry basket. So that means I do it. Eventually. When I’m finally tired of staring at a basket, or like you, I need room to do yet even more laundry.
Did I mention how much I hate it? Actually I hate the entire laundry process – the sorting and the carrying to the laundry room and the moving to the dryer, which I forget half the time, and the folding and the putting away… Ugh. Definitely the putting away – I am just going to wear it again, probably tomorrow!
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TJ Reply:
March 31st, 2010 at 12:21 pm
I don’t mind the washing and drying or any of that at ALL. To me, that’s nothing. If I have ever avoided doing laundry in my life, it would be because of the eventual need to fold and hang. HATE HATE HATE. But laundry in general? Oh man. Everyone bring your laundry on over. I’ll do it all.
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Melissa Reply:
March 31st, 2010 at 12:37 pm
Deal!
Now calculating how much extra clothing I need to buy to still have things to wear during shipping time…
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Fyurae Reply:
March 31st, 2010 at 2:45 pm
I dont mind laundry at all. Mostly because me saying “I have to do laundry today,” really means “I’m going to play video games all day and every 30 mins I will take 10 seconds to go and move clothes from one machine to the other,” AND NO ONE CAN GIVE ME ANY SHIT FOR IT BECAUSE HEY, IM DOING LAUNDRY.
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By Fyurae on Mar 31, 2010
Everyone knows that the Procedure for Laundry for Single People (PLSP) is as follows: 1) The clothes you take off go on the floor. You may consolidate to one pile if you so choose. 2) When you run out of , you grab laundry off the floor and put it in the basket, take it to the washing location, and proceed with washing and drying. 3) From the dryer, clothes go on top until they are in the way or need to be moved to a private location so as to free up the washing location for others. 4) Clothes go into the basket. This is where clean clothes come from until such a point as the Single Person runs out of again. 5) Clothes are dumped onto a bed, couch, or alternate pile location so that the basket can be used to gather clothes for washing. 6) Repeat.
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TJ Reply:
March 31st, 2010 at 12:22 pm
Haha, yep, that sounds about right. Add in the times when you do a load that contains a single outfit that you want to wear that day and you’ve got former single me pegged.
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Awlbiste Reply:
March 31st, 2010 at 7:39 pm
Whaaaat. I just have to say: no way.
1) Dirty clothes go into washer.
2) When washer is full, turn on.
3) Place clothes into dryer.
4) Fold clothes.
5) Put clothes into dresser/closet.
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By Chibi Jeebs on Mar 31, 2010
“If you give a shit, it’s your job.”
I think you just blew my mind. Like, serious epiphany. Whoa.
*wanders away mumbling to herself “It all makes SENSE now…”*
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TJ Reply:
March 31st, 2010 at 12:33 pm
I KNOW, right?
Recently Phil and I were in a situation where there was another couple and the girl half was talking about how she has to repeatedly ask him to vacuum and he gets to it in his own time and it drives her insane and leads to fighting and all I could think was if it matters THAT MUCH, why didn’t you just do it? If it DOESN’T matter enough for you to do it yourself, why couldn’t he just get to it in his own time?
If you CARE, you should DO IT.
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Chibi Jeebs Reply:
March 31st, 2010 at 12:37 pm
Heh, that one hits close to home because I’ve bitched about the two weeks it took Chebbar to do the floors he kept promising to vacuum/mop – I was using my mother’s (admittedly, now) completely passive-aggressive and pissy mindset of “if I do it after he’s promised to do it, WHEN WILL HE LEARRRRRN?” Um, excuse you, me? When did you become his mother? Christ on a cracker.
Thanks for the light bulb moment, for reals.
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TJ Reply:
March 31st, 2010 at 12:42 pm
I used to hit the passive aggressive button pretty hard in past relationships, but I try really hard to avoid it now. Sometimes it’s automatic, though, like you said.
When Phil says he’ll do something and it doesn’t get done, I try as carefully as possible to tell him, without being passive aggressive, “I know you said you’d do this and I’m not pissed that you haven’t gotten to it, but I need it done, so I’m going to do it now.” Like the whole clothes on the bed thing.
At our old place, I used to bag up the trash in our office and then get around to taking it out the next time I went downstairs. Sometimes he’d come home and see the bag sitting in the middle of the floor and get really annoyed, until we talked about it – what bothers him is not necessarily what bothers me. If something like that happens, he can ask me to please take it out or he can take it himself. If it matters a LOT, and needs to be done right NOW, he needs to know that I don’t necessarily feel the same way and he should do it. If it only matters a little, let it go until I get to it.
RAMBLE. SELF-COMMENT-SECTION RAMBLE!
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By Delicia on Mar 31, 2010
I think we’re related TJ. I am EXACTLY the same when it comes to laundry.. in fact if I was home I’d take a pic and post it of the overflowing 3 baskets of clean laundry sitting on my bedroom floor that I have yet to fold/hang up/put away. I HATE that part.
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TJ Reply:
April 1st, 2010 at 8:20 am
I find it really hard to have the motivation to do something that isn’t necessary, in my mind. Making the bed? Unnecessary. Folding laundry? Unnecessary. Pants? Unnecessary.
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By coranada on Mar 31, 2010
When it comes to laundry, I don’t mind the washing and the drying. I don’t mind the folding if I can do it while watching a TV show or something. I don’t mind living out of the hamper if the folding doesn’t happen for a day or two. But the part of the laundry process that I DESPISE is the hauling to and from the washer and dryer. I will put off for days until I have no choice at all just to not have to lug that laundry to the laundry room.
In fact… there’s an overflowing basket of dirty clothes currently having a staring contest with me. Lucky for me it can’t tell when I’m actually looking at the computer screen since, you know, it has no eyes. So maybe it isn’t a staring contest but a war of wills. Trust me, that thing has a will of its own and it is strong. It’s probably half of the weight I’m avoiding carrying to the laundry room.
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By Capn John on Mar 31, 2010
Phil has a Dyson? That’s not just Epic, that’s like a T10 Vacuum Cleaner! Gratz, Phil!
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By Flame on Mar 31, 2010
“If you give a shit, it’s your job.”
That’s pretty much the unspoken rule around here unless we are having company… then it becomes you will clean everything under the sun. lol
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By Diane on Mar 31, 2010
This is the perfect arrangement! And it’s basically the one we live by. I think the luckiest thing in our relationship is that we have the same required level of neatness — no squabbling over socks on the floor or plates on the counter and what have you. Leaves more time to argue about the IMPORTANT things, like “oh my GOLLY, if you’re going to pass gas like that, could you just WARN ME FIRST?”
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Diane Reply:
March 31st, 2010 at 5:40 pm
Oh! Forgot to say, I’m loving the purple stripey socks. I have similar ones in black and gray. Stripey socks! Simple things please me.
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By DD on Mar 31, 2010
The whole point two fingers at my eyes, then at yours thing? I’m so doing that right now. I didn’t have so much of an issue when I was living on my own, but I think that’s because would hang everything but underwear, socks and shorts. And the underwear and socks didn’t even get folded so much as put in their respective drawers. Why the hubby has to have so much folded crap is beyond me. So now he does the laundry…but it still doesn’t get put away.
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By M.Amanda on Apr 1, 2010
I actually read that in a Dear Abby column years ago when someone wrote in complaining about a sloppy roommate, stated a little differently of course. She told the person that it’s the responsibility of the person who cares to make the place meet standards, not the responsibility of the person who doesn’t care to learn to care as much as the other person. I like your way better. When are we going to get to read your wisdom in an advice column? I’m sure it would be hilarious.
Neither my husband nor I mind doing laundry. I don’t mind folding and putting away if I’ve done the rest of it. It’s like closure for me – I’ve done the whole process beginning to end. However, my husband hates folding and putting away, but won’t admit it, so he spouts this bullshit about how I have to finish the job if I run out of time to fold or put away, but tells me it’s fair distribution of duties if he cleans and I fold and put away.
If he’d just say, “I hate folding and putting away,” I’d be all, “Okay, I’ll do it,” but he tries to make it out like he would do it, but [insert lame excuse]. So we have a loveseat in our living room with piles of clean clothes and towels that neither of us will touch unless we are looking for clean clothes or towels.
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By Tami on Apr 1, 2010
Love the philosophy of house chores and your matter-of-fact implementation thereof. <3
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By Chaninn on Apr 1, 2010
Hubby’s job: bringing the laundry downstairs to be washed.
My job: washing, drying and folding laundry.
Problem: every week I say “I’d like to do the laundry now, will you bring it down?” and every week he’ll say “In a minute.”
Solution: pick the clothes I want to wash right now and do that. Leave the rest (his) of the clothes until he gets around to it.
I figure it serves him right to not have his clothes cleaned, dryed and folded if he can’t bring them down to me. (wow, this seems snarky, it’s not really we’re pretty matter-of-fact about it all. no snark involved in laundry, lol)
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By Liz on Apr 14, 2010
Ok, here’s my issue. I am TOTALLY WITH YOU on the “if you give a shit, it’s your job.” I HAVE TO have the bathmat hung up, hubs sees it as more as a permanent rug (BECAUSE HE IS CRAZY AND WRONG)so picking up the bathmat is clearly my job, because it only annoys me. Check. Got it.
But here’s the thing: Dishes in the sink. Hubs will leave his coffee cup in the sink even though the dishwater is RIGHT THERE 12 INCHES TO THE LEFT. And I see that cup in the sink, and I think “WTF? Is he just assuming I will do that for him? Could he possible BE more disrespectful than to just ASSUME that he can put things in the sink and they will MAGICALLY get washed are you KIDDING me with this” And then he sits me down and reminds me that his putting a coffee cup in the sink is NOT actually the same as him explicitly saying “Honey, I see your role in the marriage as one of “maid” and therefore you must do my dishes, PS I don’t love you or respect you” and is instead saying “Oh. Dishes. They go in the sink”
BUT I MEAN, REALLY. Yes, Ok, I give a shit so I suppose this is my job, except… the dishes HAVE to get done. I would not argue that laundry HAS to be folded, but dishes HAVE to get done. Why does he get a free pass? And did I mention there is a dishwasher? That is RIGHT THERE?
(Holy HELL that umm… was not intended to get so… capsy)
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