Diaper up!

June 22nd, 2009 | by TJ |

So Phil and I are nearly positive that we won’t be having children, though not in the “NO WAY NEVER EVER” kind of way but more in the “Eh, I don’t think so, but life is long, so who knows?” kind of way, more like if you asked us right now, and told us we had to decide immediately, now or never, and the choice would not be ever offered again, we’d say never, but absent such a situation, we say unlikely, but not never.

So, walking out of the mall the other day, I inform Phil that I have come up with a new name in case we do have kids, since I am female and even though I have no plans to have children, of course I have had potential names picked out for years.

“Oh yeah?,” he says.

“Yeah. Remy.”

“Remy? Is that for a boy or a girl?”

“I dunno. Either. Whatever. I read it in a romance novel AND it’s Dr. Hadley’s name on House.”


So anyway, that leads to more discussion about names, continuing the whole way home and Internet, by the time I reach the end of this, you will understand why it is probably better than we just not.

“Fine, what would you pick?”

“I dunno. Jackson.”

“Oh, so now you like Jackson. You didn’t like it when I picked it!”

“Well, mine wouldn’t be after Jackson Browne, it would be after Dr. Jackson from Stargate.”

“That’s like my dad telling people my brother is named after John Kruk! HE’S NAMED AFTER OUR GRANDFATHER.”

Ok, Internet, if you think it is nerdy so far, brace yourselves, because it only gets worse.

“What about girls?”




“No. What about Olivia?”

“Olivia Munn. That girl you hate from G4.”

“Oh, yeah. God. Gross. I hate her so much. Olive?”

“Too many Os.”

“It’s only got — oh, right, the last name. Well, no Bs either – B.O.”


“No. Hmm… We could name a kid Whedon!”

“Haha, yes, we could.”

“Or Mal!”

“Not Serenity, though. That’s a stripper name. So no Inara, either.”

“Echo? River? Not Buffy.”

“Definitely not Buffy.”

“We could name a kid Alpha and tell him he’s a bad seed.”

“I think our kids would hate us.”

“Yeah, definitely. Hi, we’re huge nerds. These are our kids Whedon, Firefly Serenity, River and Doctor Horrible.”

“Doctor Horrible Oriol?”

“And if he went to medical school, he’d be Dr. Doctor Horrible Oriol!!”

“Oh, god.”

“I’ve got it. I’ve GOT IT.”


“First name: NPH.”


“Yeah, we’d tell him that he was named after the most brilliant comedic comeback of all time!”

“I can see his life. Your parents named you NPH? Please don’t ask, also, I hate them.”

“We could dress him in little suits! His first words could be “suit up!” I want some… wait for it… milk!”

“I don’t think we should have kids.”


That happened this past weekend. Today, I got a text message from Phil saying, “I think that Olive Oriol would be a great name, the more I think about it.” If I get knocked up, Internet, you heard the name here first. Unless it’s a boy. Then we’re naming it NPH.

30 Responses to “Diaper up!”

  1. By Chris Anthony - Lost in Translation on Jun 22, 2009

    How would you pronounce “NPH”? All one word, like a grunt? Or would he be spend his life explaining that no, En Pee Aitch doesn’t stand for anything, like Harry S Truman?

  2. By TJ on Jun 22, 2009

    En Pee Aitch. Just as it should be pronounced.

  3. By Awlbiste on Jun 22, 2009

    Oh my god TJ, I think based on this that maybe you SHOULD have children.

  4. By john the diver on Jun 22, 2009

    The wife and I had a similar conversation a few years ago (ok close to 20 years) and we came up with, well really one name. For a boy it would be…

    Aristotle Rose.

    Years before we ever decided to have kids. Now my son is 14, his name is Aristotle Rose. He likes it, he is the only Aristotle at school, and everybody knows his name.

    Thank god we didn’t have another girl, because we would still be fighting over what to name the kid. She wanted Sierra Rayne. REALLY? We aren’t even frikken hippys!

    I liked Cicily Rose.

    So you can see where the fight would have came from.


  5. By Jamie Harrington on Jun 22, 2009

    Just so you know… that’s how we started too… just making up the names… now little Halle Harrington is four :)

  6. By john the diver on Jun 22, 2009

    Couldn’t pass this one up…

    “We could dress him in little suits! His first words could be “suit up!” I want some… wait for it… milk!”

    So my son was telling my wife about his first D&D game with me and my friends. When he was telling the story, it ended with him stating…

    “It was Legen…wait for it…(then he ran to the fridge and grabbed the gallon of milk, pointed at the milk)

    We paused for a few minutes, then got it. Legen…Dairy (milk)

    Skraps (who is done spamming TJ’s blog)

  7. By Capn John on Jun 22, 2009

    I believe the X-Men’s Gambit is Remy LaBeau.

  8. By Grimmtooth on Jun 22, 2009

    Apropos of something, I served alongside a man named Alpha in the Navy. He was one of the guys in charge of the small arms locker. He had the key. Good fella to know.

    His first and middle was Alpha Ray. He had two brothers, Beta and Gamma. I am not making this up.

    So if you named the kid Alpha, he or she might end up sitting on a treasure trove of small arms and ammunition come the zombie uprising.

  9. By Catastrophe on Jun 23, 2009

    Not one of them names sound nice in an English accent. Maybe in American but certainly not English.

    Btw is Olive Oriel a play on Popeye the Sailer man?

  10. By Gwen on Jun 23, 2009

    I too could not bring myself to name a baby Buffy so our “Buffy Baby” is Faith Anne Chase now six.

  11. By Lisa H on Jun 23, 2009

    I had to say Dr. Doctor Horrible Oriel out loud, just for myself, quietly, but my youngest son picked it up, shouted it, and now I’ve got a Dr. Doctor Horrible Oriel uprising on my hands with all three boys shouting it. Yay.

  12. By Stephanie on Jun 23, 2009

    A friend of mine had a student in her dance class named “Abcd” pronounced Absidee. And at the elementary where I used to work we had two sets of brothers from different families: Tornado and Thunder, Zeus and Nimrod.

  13. By Moonesonet on Jun 23, 2009

    lol, I use to think the same way. Fast forward 10 years and my First is due in Sept possibly late Aug. I’m voting for Labor Day. As far as names were stuck between three since we know its a boy.


    Initials would be OK NK HK
    scary part is with Oliver we have a middle name picked out that if you did just those initials it would be OJ so he could have OJK or OK or OJ as initials. Our kid is going to hate us…

  14. By Brandon on Jun 23, 2009

    “I want some… wait for it… milk.” rotfl!

  15. By Tooncat on Jun 23, 2009

    I had to forward this onto Wifey. She just emailed me back “I could love these people…”

    I guess it’s just as well we won’t be having kids!

  16. By Desi on Jun 23, 2009

    My great-grandfather’s name was Admiral Dewey… and he was in the army.


  17. By Lou on Jun 23, 2009

    Buffy is one of the many traditional nicknames for Elizabeth, so name your girl Elizabeth and call her Buffy instead of Betsy, Beth, etc.

  18. By marilyn on Jun 23, 2009

    OK I didn’t get it at first. NPH? Naming a child after insulin??
    took me a minute. I guess my nurse is showing.

  19. By jay on Jun 23, 2009

    I vote for Baltimore.

  20. By BAMsaidthelady on Jun 23, 2009

    i love you. end of story. and also… i’m now totally going to name my kid whedon if bearing a child is my fate. love the joss! never thought of that as a name.
    wait, one more thing: you guys rule!

  21. By Bernie on Jun 23, 2009

    My grandmother was named Cecil. Do NOT give children weird ass names. Whats wrong with Bob, Bill, or even Jane.
    …or is this some crazy plot to get your readers to name their children crazyy names?

  22. By Alex on Jun 24, 2009

    i dont get it…whats NPH??

  23. By Mel on Jun 24, 2009


    My given name is Cecil…
    I’ve required no psychiatric care because of it yet…
    I keep a pet axe named Lola.
    Please don’t make Lola angry…

  24. By Julia on Jun 24, 2009

    NPH= Neil Patrick Harris

  25. By Aboo on Jun 25, 2009

    I had my wife convinced for almost an hour after our son was born that I told the doctor his name was God. I had teased her horribly about it for a week before she delivered.

    She was not amused. And now, I can never get her to believe anything I say until she checks first, lol.

    I’ve always wanted a son named God. Then when people ask me for proof of his existance, I can just point.

  26. By Aboo on Jun 25, 2009

    And I know that Nimrod is biblical, but that is just a HORRIBLE thing to do to a kid! ROFL

  27. By Gauntlet on Jan 28, 2010

    Our daughter’s name is pretty innocuous, despite being named after one of our pen-and-paper role-playing characters. (Kimberly Jasmine )

    If we have a second daughter, her middle-name is going to be Coperiana (after another gaming character).

  28. By Sarah Nelson on Jan 4, 2012

    We’re going to start trying to conceive soon. Hubby wanted Alexander for a boy, and I was totally cool with Xander as a nickname, but now everyone seems to be naming their sons Alexander or Xander. I also love Malcolm, but then his initials would be MSN! Not happening! (Middle name Simon after hubby and Dr. Tam.) I need more good Whedonverse boy names! Help me, people! :D

    Girl name would be Phoebe Willow. Initials PWN. So epic. :)

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  2. Jul 6, 2009: She’s heee-eeere. - Temerity Jane
  3. Jul 9, 2009: Reason 872 why we won’t procreate. - Temerity Jane

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