Desperate House-Fiancee
March 25th, 2010 | by TJ |Internet, for today, I had planned to do my usual monthly Cosmo Cliff’s Notes, except that’s actually not true. I actually planned to do that yesterday. And it got bumped today.
But it only got bumped to today in the sense that, like, “Wow, wouldn’t it be nice to get that done today?” but in reality I was mentally writing this “OH MY GOD I’M DROWNING IN MY HOUSE” post because you guys, oh my god, I’m drowning in my house.
And I had the best of intentions of writing THAT post, even though my brain was also trying to convince me, while I Swiffered the floor (again) and cleaned the counters (again) and let the dog in and out (again again again AGAIN AGAIN) and hauled the collection of Phil-underpants off the bathroom floor for washing (OH MY GOD AGAIN BECAUSE I SWEAR HE WEARS EIGHT PAIRS A DAY), I was kind of half trying to convince myself that a picture of my counter and me bitching about something Phil did would pass for today’s post (heh, again).
Thankfully, though, from my spot over by the fridge (we haven’t even been here three weeks, how the hell can the fridge need to be cleaned out already, you guys? HOW?), I saw GChat flashing a new message at me.
It was Aunt Becky (that fucking winner**), at whom I flung myself with a desperate ferocity.
Aunt Becky: hi.
TJ: come save me from my house
Aunt Becky: dude. I miss of you.
like for serious.
TJ: I miss the internet
and all of it’s denizens
except the sucky ones
fuck them
Aunt Becky: the Internet is lonesome without you.
what are the sucky ones doing?
TJ: tha’s the thing
I don’t even know
Aunt Becky: bwahahaha.
even better.
TJ: no one fucking told me about this house thing
Aunt Becky: um. they suck?
TJ: it gets dirty and messy?
like, every DAY?
Aunt Becky: um. yes. a lot.
pretty much they’re a lot of work.
I spent probably 2-3 hours a day cleaning.
TJ: I spend most of my day cleaning and arranging and STILL UNPACKING
Aunt Becky: oh yeah. unpacking is the worst.
TJ: and Phil comes home and I’m all dirty and the house still looks like a bomb went off?
Aunt Becky: dude. yes.
TJ: and then our aborable neighbor came over a couple of minutes ago and I was in my fucking pajamas?
and she commented on how we had nice floors and I showed her around and I kept being like
omg
there’s bacon grease on the counter
and I’m in my pajamas
Aunt Becky: yes.
TJ: then we went and looked at HER house
and it was CLEAN
and SMELLED GOOD
Aunt Becky: yes.
well, you just moved in.
no one expects anything from you
TJ: I’ve been plotting my triumphanmt return to the internet, you know?
except no one knows I’m gone
because I try to get a blog post up and tweet now and then
except the people I’m actually friends with
Aunt Becky: bwahahahahaha.
if I don’t post I get angry emails.
ARE YOU OKAY??
TJ: I actually yelled to the computer the other day
I saw two gmail messages flashing from across the room
Aunt Becky: i noticed you weren’t there.
TJ: and I was all
“I’M OVER HERE! I’M IN THE LAUNDRY! I’M WAY IN THE LAUNDRY!”
do you know what is goddamn infuriating?
I wash a pair of Phil’s shorts yestday, right? In the morning.
Yesterday afternoon he changes out of his uniform and puts them on so we could go to our Wednesday commitment.
And then I go this morning to grab some laundry from the bedroom
and there they are
Aunt Becky: bwahahahahahahahahahaha.
TJ: ON THE LAUNDRY PILE
JESUS CHRIST
Aunt Becky: i love you for this.
because no one else gets how annoying it.
TJ: I’m like
the brand new house wife
except the house is brand new, not me
Aunt Becky: um. yeah. it’s kind of overrated.
TJ: and I’m realizing all this shit that everyone but me already knows
like LAUNDRY NEVER ENDS
Aunt Becky: well, you have to learn it.
TJ: and the floor ALWAYS NEEDS TO BE CLEANED
Aunt Becky: yes.
give up the idea of perfection
it’s okay.
not like be SLOBBY
just not PERFECT
TJ: I just haven’t even gotten to a baseline to work from yet
because he still needs to EAT and WEAR CLOTHES every day
Aunt Becky: yeah, well you’re still trying to get it out!
TJ: I want him to just STOP so I can get everything under control
and I want to add a kid to this shit?
Aunt Becky: um. yeah. well. it’s okay.
TJ: I got up this morning and made Phil’s breakfast and I got to eat like, a scrap of egg and half a slice of bacon
and I just now realized I’m shaking and I’m wondering hm, why?
OH YEAH FOOD FOR ME
apparently rearranging the fridge so that cheese doesn’t fly into my face every time I open it isn’t the same as eating
who knew?
Aunt Becky: bwahahahaha.
it gets better.
TJ: haha I hope so
Aunt Becky: it does.
TJ: This is what my kitchen looks like when I make breakfast
Aunt Becky: you get used to it.
your kitchen looks a hell of a lot like mine.
not actually with the bacon
TJ: do you also hate to close cabinet doors?
Aunt Becky: but like the cupboards and stuff.
no.
bwahahahaha
TJ: I walk out of the kitchen and come back and I’m all “WHO THE FUCK OPENED ALL THESE DOORS?”
and I look around the empty house all accusingly
Aunt Becky: bwahahahahaha
I got used to doing that.
TJ: I think I’m just going to use this conversation as a blog post
because I have not the time or the energy
Aunt Becky: you really need to.
TJ: I cleaned the whole kitchen yesterday
Aunt Becky: I’m using an IM conversation I had yesterday for a post tomorrow.
TJ: so now, of course, the living room has turned into like, a crater of dirt and trash
Aunt Becky: but you have to make me look amazing.
TJ: I’ll do my best
Aunt Becky: and add in that I’m wearing my “First Place” shirt
because I am a fucking WINNER**
*conversation devolves into blogger gossip, appropriate blow job to reciprocation ratios and who is or is not a bunghole*
TJ: ANYWAY.
Aunt Becky: ANYWAY.
don’t worry about perfection
it’s not as bad as YOU think, and he’ll barely notice
I mean, I can’t be all “you should end every day with a BJ”
because I don’t.
But low cut tops and pizza.
Lots of pizza.
He won’t even notice if the counters don’t get wiped one day.
And that, Internet, is why Aunt Becky has a Room of Your Own at BlogHer, on the topic of giving advice over the internet.
Her ability to split the difference between too slutty (daily BJs to distract from a cesspool of a house) and just slutty enough (low cut tops in exchange for looking the other way with regard to the dishes in the sink) is UNPARALLELED.
By Fyurae on Mar 25, 2010
I grew up with issues like this, even though I don’t own a house. My grandma was/is a clean-freak. Her house is like a museum. Often times, people outside the family are very uncomfortable there, because her house doesn’t feel lived-in at all. (Less-so, these days, as she is getting older.) It took my mom a long time to realize that most people’s houses weren’t like that. That our house wasn’t a pig-sty, it was just average. It was a house with a kid and two working adults that couldn’t afford to have hired help to keep things spotless all day. Whereas for the past 25 years my grandma’s house has been the home of two retirees who have plenty of time for things like washing windows and weeding the garden.
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By Chibi Jeebs on Mar 25, 2010
I love you both. Seriously.
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By Delicia on Mar 25, 2010
Damn someone give that woman a medal. A medal of Awesomeness.
Trust me, add kids into the mix, and it’s sheer CHAOS x infinity. The only good thing is when they’re old enough you can order them around to do the cleaning for you. Except then they do it half-ass but at least you didn’t have to do it and it’s pretend clean.
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By Jessi on Mar 25, 2010
Hmm. I don’t know what would make up for the mountain of laundry always growing and never shrinking in my basement. I got nothin’
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By DD on Mar 25, 2010
Do try to give yourself a break. You know the adorable neighbor cleaned her house before she came over. She had an unfair advantage.
It will get better. You’ll get unpacked, get into a routine, etc. But, having Brinkley will always mean a touch of mess. It’s unavoidable. At least he matches the floor, so the fur bunnies will be less noticeable!
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By Bennet on Mar 25, 2010
My husband hates the way I do laundry, so we’re each responsible for our own. He owns a month’s worth of socks and underwear, and they live (and breed, I think) in their own dark corner of the closet until eventually he commandeers the washer and dryer for an entire weekend, jams everything randomly into dresser drawers and then starts the process over.
It drove me crazy when we first got married. But then I realized, eh – half less of a chore I have to do!
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By Bernie on Mar 25, 2010
Don’t you understand we men believe it only takes 15 minutes to ‘clean’ house. The rest of your day is spent watching soaps/Springer/Oprah and gossiping with the neighbors.
You seem to be handling domestication very well. Keep up the good work you are surely an inspiration to women everywhere.
ps.
Please do not hurt me.
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By Liz on Mar 25, 2010
As long as there are food on the table, clean clothes to wear and the occasional sex and BJ, he will not notice the dirty floor and grease on the counter. And once you have kids, forget about a clean house, you will drive yourself crazy. :)
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By Capn John on Mar 25, 2010
Having no prior knowledge of Aunty Becky I have shallowly judged her based on this conversation, and this conversation alone, and I have decided that she is abso-fucking-lutely worthy of a legendary First Place shirt because she is a Winner!
This post had me LOLing. Literally. I was Literally Laughing Out Loud. Does that mean I was actually LLOLing and not just LOLing?
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By Kelly on Mar 25, 2010
Yes, yes… house + kid = chaos. You just need to accept that. Honestly, it was easier as a single parent because my daughter could (mostly) be coerced to help pick things up. But then I got married to a MAN who is like having three more kids. Seriously. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve nearly had a nervous breakdown. Thank god I’m old enough and well-employed enough to finally be able to afford to have a cleaning person come by every other week to do the really serious cleaning.
It never ends. And if Phil is anything like my Spousal Unit (which is quite possible, given that they’re both guys), he doesn’t even notice any of the dirt.
Perfection is the road to madness. “Good enough” will keep you sane. Sane-ish? ;-)
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By Aunt Becky on Mar 26, 2010
My First Place shirt helps me think. You should get yourself one, TJ.
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By Celina Hosp on Mar 26, 2010
I know how you feel hun!!! We r in the middle of a move. Well we move in two weeks and I was so excited when we got the house that I started packing that day. Idk what’s it’s going to be like trying to unpack with my two beautys climbing all over me:) as for the hubby I get it. I don’t think Johnny has ever put the seat back down since I’ve been with him (four yrs) I don’t freak out though at least he puts it up!!! If I fall in the toilet it’s my fault! Ladies, never go ass into ANYTHING without looking first and I mean ANYTHING!!! So with that said congratulations on the new place. I hope you can get back to your blog soon cause you are hilarious and just gained a new follower:)
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By TJSonntag on Mar 26, 2010
Hmmm… Based on one random rhetorical question and the fact of your yet-undisclosed Wednesday commitment, I believe that you are pregnant.
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DD Reply:
March 26th, 2010 at 1:04 pm
I just totally played the dramatic prairie dog video in my head because of this comment!
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By Melissa on Mar 29, 2010
I’m always saying that the “joy of home ownership” is a myth. They’re just so. much. work.
If I could afford cleaning people and landscaping people and laundry people… that would definitely be joyful.
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