Temerity Jane

Death collector

You know, Internet, I’ve never really considered myself the “collecting” type.

Since I was little, people have given me things along certain themes – like I have several elephant statuettes – and I do tend to get a healthy amount of diet soda cans piled up on my desk during the day – buy I’ve never sought out new and interesting items to add to a collection of my own.

Well, Internet, last night I realized that my days of non-collecting have accidentally come to an end.

Do you remember way back to October 23 of this year, my Negative One Year Anniversary?

Let me remind you – Phil bought me this:

There you have your standard delightfully novel melamine serving tray. Adorable, isn’t it?

I came home and stuffed it into a cabinet… where it was keeping these company:

I had two of each of those before I ever got the delightfully novel melamine serving tray. We were at Michael’s and they had all this stuff for Princess birthday parties and Pirate birthday parties and it was all on clearance. Like, criminally on clearance. And we didn’t actually own any plates of our own at that point. So, really, you know, buying those stopped us from using paper plates. So really, buying those plates wasn’t starting a collection. It was saving money and the environment.

And then last night? When we were shopping? I grabbed this bowl:

So, we were shopping for Christmas decorations last night so that I could tacky-Christmas the hell out of this joint, and I grabbed this bowl. Now, I know what you’re thinking – if I’m grabbing an obviously non-holiday bowl during shopping for holiday decorations, this is the point I must have given in and admitted to being a collector of death plastic. Not true, however! This was a purchase of convenience! You see, oranges were on sale the other day, and I bought some, but I keep forgetting I have them because the fridge is very full and they are way back in there. So, I bought this freakin’ adorable bowl so that I could keep my oranges in it so they wouldn’t rot. That way, I am not collecting – I am saving money by not letting my oranges go bad and I am thinking of my health by promoting the consumption of vitamin C.

Then, of course, there was the actual, you know, Christmas decoration portion of the shopping:

Come on, now. I was shopping for Christmas decorations. It only makes sense that I shop for things that can be reused from year to year, not just tossed away to fill up landfills and such. And who knows what kinds of friends and neighbors we will have in the future, or what kinds of holiday gatherings we may have? So I bought this obviously non-denominational melamine snowman plate. I could leave carrots on it for the reindeer. That’s not collecting. That’s thinking about the future.

And these?

Again! Obviously non-denominational serving platters. I’m going to make Christmas cookies, see? And with two nicely sized platters, I can divide them into “at home” cookies and “send to work with Phil” cookies. These serve the dual purpose of being inoffensive and controlling our cookie portions. They obviously weren’t purchased for collecting purposes.

This, however…

This is what brings my whole carefully crafted scheme of excuses and reasonings crashing down. This, I have no explanation for. I don’t remember when I bought it, or why or where. I don’t have a special use for it, and I can’t come up with some twisted need for it in our lives. I just like it. I think it’s cute. It’s impractically shaped. It’s small. I have to admit that, like with the rest of them, it’s goddamn melamine, so I can’t microwave it or else I might die from my love of these kitschy plastic dishes, and that is damned inconvenient. There exists no good reason for me to have this freakin’ awesome plate other than the fact that it is freakin’ awesome.

So, Internet, I am forced to admit it. I am a collector, and not even a good collector. I don’t collect rare, hard to find, or unique items. I collect crap I find in the dollar store, or the seasonal aisle of the grocery store. I find it adorable and irresistible. Adding to my collection gives me a little rush of glee, even if I have gone out of my way to justify each purchase up to this point.

Well, no more! From now on, I will require no justification from myself (or to Phil) for the purchasing of potentially deadly adorable melamine crap! And I implore you, Internet, should your local Target, supermarket or other chain store put out a new line of adorable melamine crap, do let me know so that I may go and spend dollar upon dollar enriching my freakin’ adorable collection.